Ruth and Martha

Name: Ruth

Child: Martha, 1 yr old

Expectations of Motherhood: Its funny but now I’ve had Martha I can’t really remember what I felt like before she was in our life. We were really lucky as I had a straightforward pregnancy so I think I was just filled with excitement about having a child that we’d be able to call our daughter or son and starting our own family. There are people in my life who I admire as parents and I guess I wanted to learn from them and hoped to have a fairly relaxed approach to parenting. I wanted to try to integrate our baby into our lives without everything changing too drastically, but actually once she was here that didn’t really cross my mind and I didn’t necessarily want to do the things I couldn’t do anymore anyway.

Reality of Motherhood: We did a lot of walking for the first six months. Martha wasn’t a good sleeper and would sleep best in the pram so Pete and I walked everywhere, all the time, whatever the weather. It was exhausting, felt like we were constantly in a tag team and the sleepless nights were relentless. I used to get a feeling of dread during the evening before I went to bed, knowing that there was another really testing night ahead of us. Having said that the daily experience of feeling such love for her was wonderful. It does gets easier and generally I think I enjoy being a mum more each day. She definitely amazes me more every day. 

I feel like my identity has really changed since having a child, I feel more confident in myself as a person since becoming a mum and having your own family gives you a feeling of security. It also puts things into perspective as I guess you don’t have as much time to question things, its just about getting on with each day. 

It’s harder to go on holiday with a baby and the days of packing light are definitely over. I do miss being able to travel without a baby. 

Taking your child/children home for the first time: I remember sitting in the back of the car with Martha, looking out of the window and thinking ‘wow - every adult walking along this road in Stockport was once a tiny perfect baby like this’. It sounds cheesy but it was like I suddenly had a better understanding of humanity and the wonder of life. It made me realise that everyone starts from the same place but it’s so much to do with the life you’re born into that will shape your direction. We found ourselves laughing at ourselves as we drove so slowly and carefully feeling much more vulnerable than we had ever done before.

There was a lovely feeling of calm in our house when we first had her home (which didn’t necessarily last). I think it was partly because of hormones and also because if we were relaxed we felt it would help her to feel the same. It was nice to be in a cocoon for the first few weeks, having some days just to ourselves but then also really loving introducing family and friends to our little girl. Also to find ourselves constantly staring at her with amazement and looking across the room at this little person thinking ‘ooh there’s three of us now!’

The best/worst advice: Lean on other people and if someone offers help then say yes even if its just to do something little. Don’t try to do it all by yourself.

I found the books too much and didn’t read them much apart from once when it left me feeling totally stressed as Martha didn’t behave in the way the booked described she should. Asking friends about how their babies have been and for any advice always felt much more reassuring.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The tiredness and having to always put your own needs aside. 



The best parts of being a mother: Going into her room when she wakes up in the morning and seeing her smile when she sees you. Creeping into her room at night and watching her sleep. Seeing her learn something new. Seeing the pleasure having a child brings to the people you love. Watching her play with her cousins and my closest friend’s children. Experiencing her coming to you for comfort and security. Watching her develop her own independence and confidence as an individual. Watching her laugh at something she finds really funny. Sharing all of this with Pete…the list is endless. 

Hopes for your family: That we are always able to communicate well with each other and respect each others differences. That we value each others’ company and the time we spend together. That we are gentle and patient with each other. That we learn from Martha as much as she learns from us. That relationships with family and friends always remain central to our lives. That Martha is able to think freely, grow up to be quietly confident and fulfilled in whatever she does. That she’s not afraid of trying new things. That Martha has a sister or brother in the future.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Take each day at a time and lean on your friends and family. Don’t push yourself too hard and don’t do anything you don’t feel ready to do. If you’re having a really hard day, ring someone and tell them – it feels so much better once you’ve shared it.

Supreeta and Vihaan

Name: Supreeta

Child: Vihaan, 4 ½ months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I’ve always wanted to be a mum and thought I would be a great one. I would look at cranky babies with frazzled mums and think, “Oh...I would be so much better at that!!”, or, “I would even enjoy those crazy moments and would never get frustrated or frazzled.” When I was younger I baby sat my cousins and nephews and was great at it! I had a knack of calming babies down and putting them to sleep. I loved it! It was as if I had this special power! Obviously, it would be even better when I had my own...right??!!

We waited a few years after getting married before we started to try for a baby. I miscarried my first pregnancy more than a year earlier and after months of hoping and praying, my husband and I were so thrilled when I got pregnant again. I was going to have a Summer baby and I had visions of long walks in the park, picnics, swimming classes and general maternal bliss.

I just could not wait!! Though so many women have done it before me and will do after me...I felt like the most special woman in the world, entrusted with the most precious project in the world.

Reality of Motherhood: After just seven hours of labour, my beautiful boy Vihaan, literally shot out into the world! The first moments after seeing him have to be the most uncontrolled emotion I have ever experienced. My pregnancy was closely monitored as there was a possibility of Downs Syndrome or Achondroplasia and we didn’t know for sure till the baby was born as we chose not to risk the pregnancy with any invasive tests. Most of my pregnancy was filled with anxiety and mixed emotions. So, when I saw the little soul, placed on my tummy, looking at me, a crashing wave of emotions washed over me. I have a healthy little boy who is just little like his mum and dad.

The first night on my own with my bundle in the maternity ward was lonely, scary and unexpected. How could something so little and beautiful be so unhappy and hungry? I was up feeding him every 20 minutes through the night! I was exhausted and so angry that I had to do it all by myself. How was it fair that my husband didn’t have to go through it with me? Why didn’t any of the nurses come in and take him off my hands? I mean, I had just been through such a traumatic experience and no one seemed to care! When my husband and parents came to see me the next morning, I have to say, it wasn’t my proudest moment. I was at my moodiest best.


Four months on, the proverbial emotional roller-coaster fits my first experience of motherhood to a tee. I have been frazzled yet hopeful, exhausted but exhilarated, insecure but proud, all pretty much bundled into one. It is one of the most demanding things I have EVER done. I feel like I’m constantly being measured by this invisible, larger than life yard stick. When I wasn’t able to solely breast feed, I was riddled with guilt. When I didn’t immediately know what each cry meant, I felt like a bit of a failure. But in just four months, I’ve realised I’m going to be learning for the rest of my life, how to be a better mum. I’m going to do certain things brilliantly but suck at others. I have to let my husband be a dad his own way and allow him to make up his own rules too. I CANNOT plan and control everything around my baby!

It’s taken me all this time to get comfortable taking Vihaan out without wanting to run back home when he’s fussy or crying. I have only now started enjoying being out on my own with him and going for mum and baby groups. I’m fine with that! Some people can do it better, earlier, but this is me and my baby and I need to do things in a way that suits us best!

However tough the first few weeks were, I still feel like I’ve been entrusted with the most precious project in the world and I intend to do my very very best.

Taking your child home for the first time:

I was so happy when the doctor said I would be going home that afternoon. I couldn’t wait. It was hilarious because neither my hubby nor I knew how to strap Vihaan into his car seat properly to take him out of the ward. We needed a rather pushy midwife to show us how it’s done! From the first moment I stepped out of the hospital I felt so proud to be able to call this little bundle of promise, mine.

A close friend of mine said, “it’s not labour that makes me think twice about having a second baby, it’s the first 8 to 10 weeks.” I completely understand what she meant. The first 8 to 10 weeks with the baby were so tough and so challenging. I didn’t know whether there was light at the end of the tunnel. I was sleep deprived, exhausted and overly emotional for the most part of that time. Magically, this suddenly changed as me and the baby seemed more in sync and pulling in the same direction. I now know what my baby could possibly want, for the most part, and try my best to be organised enough to give it to him on time.

The best/worst advice: There isn’t any specific bad advice I can pin-point but I think the general hard and fast rules, tick box exercises and the need to fit into a specific box that health visitors seem to insist on puts too much pressure on new mums. If my baby and I get more sleep when we co-sleep then I will try it. If I cannot breast feed, I don’t want to feel like the worst mum in the world. I do not want my baby’s existence determined by growth charts. If he’s happy and healthy he is okay! The best advice that was given to me was by my mum: “Remember to always eat first before you set off feeding the baby. You need to have strength and patience to care well for the baby and that won’t happen if you’re hungry and irritable.” Not an easy rule to follow all the time, but it is true.

The hardest parts of being a mother: For me, this is balancing being a mum with being a wife, partner, lover and just an individual. It’s tough! At the moment I’m all about being MUM but if i’m not careful I’ll lose all that made me ME before Vihaan came along. I need to enrich my life with my new role and though I believe it’s my most important priority, I believe that it can co-exist with my other facets. Making this happen, is the challenge that lies ahead.

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing my husband and me in this splendid being is the most exciting thing about Vihaan. He’s like a perfect cake, baked with such an interesting combination of mum and dad’s ingredients. The amount of warmth and unbridled love I feel for him has truly surprised me. Even at 3 am, exhausted from being up just a few hours before, seeing him smiling in his sleep with his fingers curled around mine is the purest form of happiness I have ever felt.

Hopes for your family: I hope we can provide a stable, loving, home for Vihaan, where he will grow happy and with confidence. I hope we can educate him through travel and explore the world together.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Enjoy your pregnancy and treat yourself well.

Trust that you will make a good mum. Get comfortable in your new role and take all the time that you need. Don’t get into the comparison game, you and your baby are unique.Take as many photographs as you can. They grow so fast.

Lucy, Fred and Joan

Name: Lucy

Children: Joan (nearly 2), Fred (3 and a half)

Location: Manchester


Expectations of Motherhood: I had slightly deluded expectations of motherhood and the type of mother I wanted to be. I read lots of books about parenting and pregnancy. I wanted to make sure I bonded well with the baby and had notions of following the principles of attachment parenting styles. I knew the birth would be hard but thought after that I knew all about what was coming. I was far more prepared the second time round!


Reality of Motherhood: I had so bombarded myself with information I was completely overwhelmed when Fred was born. I had post-natal depression and felt everything I did was wrong. It was a really difficult time and I still feel guilty that I wasn't able to enjoy so much of his first months. I managed to seek help and gradually found myself enjoying being a mum. Once I had let go of all the expectations I felt more relaxed and once Fred actually starting sleeping some normality was resumed. The sleepness nights were killer, he didn't sleep for more than 4 hours until he was six months old! I started going to mother and baby groups, which meant I had more opportunity to talk to other mums and at least sit down and have a coffee. As Fred got bigger I found things easier and having more of a routine helped. I think I somehow lost myself in trying to be a perfect mum but after doing a few more things just for me and living more in the moment I loved seeing my boy develop and grow. Being a mum is very selfless and at first I didn't find it very rewarding, with my second things were different because I was more prepared for the realities. I found the jump to having two children much easier than going from none to one! I was much more relaxed and didn't feel I had to follow any rules. I was better able to adapt to what she needed and often she just had to fit in with what me and Fred were doing. As they grow and become little people I have come to appreciate what being a mother is really about. My reality now is sharing my days with two wonderful children, having as much fun and mischief as we can squeeze into our day (afterwashing, cooking etc!)

Taking your children home for the first time: This didn't happen! I had two home births so we were already at home. This is oneof my greatest joys and I have wonderful memories of having Fred and, once the midwives had left, sitting on the sofa with my husband staring at Fred and listening to him hiccup! Then the three of us just went upstairs to bed. My mum had been there for the birth too and stayed at our house because he had been born so late at night, it was really special for her to be there in the morning with us and then my sister came too! With Joan my memory is seeing my husband holding her after she was born and having Fred (who had stayed at my mum's house) come home the next day to meet his sister. Fred will sometimes point at the floor and say 'Joan born on the floor' and then 'Fred born on the sofa'! It was a great experience.


The best/worst advice: This is so difficult because everyone's different but I would say spend as much time as you can doing things for yourself before you have kids! Don't listen to anyone's advice if you don't think it's right for you. Try to listen to your instincts and if you're not sure confide in someone you know and respect. Get out and mingle with other mums as much as you can, you will make great friends and can develop a priceless network of support. Try to find out what's going on in your area, playgroups and stay-and-play sessions are often only 50p and lots of fun for the kids.


The hardest parts of being a mother: The sleepless nights in the beginning and from the birth onwards the constant worry. Feeling that what I'm doing is right for me and my family and not listen to critics.


The best parts of being a mother: Seeing them develop their individual personalities, the laughter, the innocence, the wonder, all those cheesy magical things. Someone once told me that my children would be my best teacher and that is completely true. I've learnt so much from having kids and continue to do so everyday.


Hopes for your family: That they will be happy and polite children. That we will end up living in California or New York (dream big!). Really that we carry on loving and enjoying each other.


What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Put your feet up whenever possible. Take lots of pictures. Do things you enjoy. Dance a lot. Use moisturiser everyday.

Mandy and Lucy

Name: Mandy 

Child: Lucy, aged 13

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I had my daughter when i was 21 years old, I had absolutely no idea what to expect! Lucy was the first grandchild on either side of the family so everyone was very excited!

Taking your child: I felt excited, after eight days in hospital I couldn't wait to get home with my beautiful baby.

Reality of Motherhood: People told me it would turn my world upside down but I never felt that way. To me motherhood is a gift and one I will always appreciate being given.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I ever had was from the community midwife, she told me, "Your mum, mum in law, gran etc will tell you how they did things but your instinct will tell you what your baby needs and when it needs it." I always found that helpful.

The hardest part/s of being a mother: Easily the worry that something bad will happen to my child.

The best part/s of being a mother: The feeling of loving my child so unconditionally. The kisses, hugs and cuddles.

Hopes for your child: That my daughter will always be happy.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Enjoy every moment, even the tears and tantrums because the time will fly by!

Hannah and Eligh

Name: Hannah 

Child: Eligh aged 4.5 weeks

Location: Levenshulme

Expectations of Motherhood: I have wanted to have children for as long as I can remember so it's hard to put into words. I love being with children and young people. I have always felt it would be the one thing that I would do well, that I was supposed to do. I also wanted to share and 'grow' someone with Gareth, my partner, as an extension of us, someone we could share our love and life with.

Reality of Motherhood: It's really hard, they don't give much back and it's a little boring sitting around seeing all the jobs that I could/should do but can't actually get to as he's attached! In fact I just can't do anything on time or quite to plan. My life really has changed totally unlike how i envisaged it would be i.e. just the same but with a baby. Im also totally exhausted and pretty ratty (thank you Gareth, my partner, for your amazing patience).

All that said I never gave much thought to how amazing and totally flabbergasting the whole pregnancy and birth thing would be. I grew a baby, WOW! I am also enabling him to grow and nurture; I get to hug him; to watch and share every tiny new thing that happens. I get to see how much joy he's brought to Gareth and to my family and friends.

So in short It's pretty amazingly fabtastic!

Taking your child home for the first time: It was scary but probably not as scary as the thought of staying in hospital for another night. As we walked out of the hospital the world just seemed drastically altered, maybe not suprising given the I'd just had my first baby, but the outside world seemed stark, sharp, cold and grey (a wonderful Manchester summer!). My partner was carrying Eligh in the car seat and I just kept on looking at him and thinking, 'Is he warm enough?'; 'Is he going to cry?' and a million other fleeting worries and questions. I realised that as of now I was a grown up, before that i think i had been masquerading as one, that we were on our own and would have to work the answers out ourselves. Our friend came in his VW van and gave us a lift home, Eligh was in the front seat, Gareth and I sat in the backseat. I remember feeling startled and a bit over whelmed but most of all that we were travelling home in style! 

The best/worst advice: People give you so much advice. The best bits are always supportive, encouraging and empowering. The worst are confusing, annoying and cloaked in 'I know better than you'ness. My favourite piece of worst advice was from a drunk man who, noting Eligh was asleep, said, 'Don't let them sleep during the day or they won't sleep at night'. It's so bad because it's total rubbish but also because I actually took it on board, in my addled post birth brain, and started worrying about it!

The hardest part/s of being a mother:
1. Sore and cracked nipples - I found myself thinking that it was actually worse than birth.
2. Changing nappies- it's so traumatic at first for everyone involved. 
3. The pitch of crying when your driving and can't stop.
4. The startled crying that accompanies the changing of a nappy at 3am - it seems to reach into every part of the nighttime quietness. 
5. Its 3.45am (after point 4, a feed and burp) you lay them down in their cot (for the third time) their arms fall to their side, their breathing is deep and regular. You release that you've been holding your breath and you exhale slowly. You turn away, avoiding the creeky floor board and climb into your comfy bed and pull the quilt over you. Then...they wake up and cry!

The best part/s of being a mother: Life, love and happiness.

Hopes for your family: That we will all continue to have a good life, to love each other and those in our lives and that we are happy. Also that we regain the ability to carry out a conversation that is not about poo, spew and hours of sleep gained/ lost.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mothers: Even if I said that its rock hard you probably won't believe it until your in the throws of those first few weeks when you may, in a lucid moment in between your broken sleep, cast your mind back and understand what I meant however, I would just say; you'll be ok, it will get better and you are doing brilliantly!

Also, If your breast feeding get lanolin cream, in fact get lots, you can get it on prescription from the Doctor.

So, as with all the best things it's challenging but absolutely worth it.

Aowyn and Oscar

Name: Aowyn 

Child: Oscar Halcyon Bell, 7 weeks

Location: Grantown On Spey (The Scottish Highlands)

Expectations of Motherhood: When I got pregnant I was quite aprehensive about becoming a mother. People constantly told me that my life was going to change and would never be the same again (which really didn't help matters!) I was pretty happy with my life as it was so why would I want it to change? - But, I had always imagined myself as a grown up person with a family at some point, and suddenly I was 34 and a grownup and no where near starting a family.

I was not yearning for a child, I was just conscious of getting older and not wanting to lose my chance, or go through the heartache and stress of trying unsuccessfully for a baby.
I imagined having a new baby was going to be like looking after a little grub that needed fed and cleaned and screamed all the time and I would be knackered and didn't have enough time for my relationship, but that somehow I would find this fulfilling.

Reality of Motherhood: My life has not suddenly changed beyond recognition, it has slightly altered in many ways. The experiences I have been through in the last 7 weeks, from the birth to getting to grips with breast feeding have made me braver and stronger. I think I am lucky, Oscar goes to bed at 7:30pm and sleeps right through until 4:30am when he wakes for his night feed - so, although I don't get lazy morning lie ins I am not having sleepless nights. The most remarkable thing, and something I did not anticipate is that Oscar had a personalty right from the beginning, so he is not a grub, he is a cool wee dude who has moved in with us! My life changing has forced me to evaluate who I think I am and I've found this empowering. Yes this is a new chapter and life will never be the same, but this is exciting, I am a woman now and I can be whoever I want to be.

Taking your child/children home for the first time: What time do you put your new baby to bed? We had no idea and so the first night we all went to bed at 11pm and he slept through until 9am. What did he want when he was crying? Through a process of elimination (nappy? food? sleep? cuddle? wind?) we would try and figure out what he wanted. We didn't have a clue really, but it was our job and we just tried to muddle on through.

The best/worst advice: A leaflet for Infacol was a godsend: For the first few days he would be writhing in agony after feeds with stomach cramps, but after we got some Infacol he could burp and we were all much happier. At 3 weeks my mother in law came to dinner and suggested (gently) that we start putting him to bed at 7:30pm, which gave me my evening back. She said not to wait until he was asleep in my arms but dictate to him when bed time was. It took one evening of upset and now 9 out of 10 times he is asleep (and snoring) by 8pm.

The hardest part of being a mother: He is completely dependent on me for food as I am breastfeeding, no matter how I feel - he has to eat. The day is broken up into two hourly cycles for feeding and sometimes just trying to get out of the house can take ages. When I can't stop him crying, but his dad can - just because he is a new face and a change of scene.

The best part/s of being a mother: Big smiley gummy grins first thing in the morning when I help him stretch his little body out of his swaddle blanket. The funny expressions he has, his drama queen crying and how I can cheer him up out of it. Getting a really good burp out of him after a feed and when we work on it together! Getting to know him and his idiosyncrasies. Looking at him while he is asleep and imagining what he will look like when he is a little boy and not a little baby. Feeling my love for him grow day by day.

Hopes for your family: Oscar is our first and I hope to have a second child in 3 years or so. I just want him to be happy, healthy and confident. I am so happy we now live where we do, he has the great outdoors to discover and beautiful thriving nature everywhere to explore and romp in - just like we did when we were both children.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Don't read any books! Don't buy any baby clothes or toys (apart from newborn baby grows). Enjoy being pregnant, don't rush the next stage, remember that being pregnant is all about YOU. Don't get too hung up on your birth plan because when it comes to it - anything can happen.

Sally and Frank

Name: Sally 

Child: Frankie (nearly) 6

Location: Preston

Expectations of motherhood: My pregnancy was, lets say, sooner than I had planned, and so with that my expectations were limited, I spent most of my pregnancy worrying and panicking. Retrospectively I was so underprepared and just dealt with things as they came along. Having few expectations was not necessarily a bad way to do it, it was just the way it was at the time (with intermittent ‘oh shit’ moments of course!) And sweet fantasies of what this little person was going to look like, smell like, feel like, sound like, my expectations kind of rolled from day to day.....

Reality of motherhood: Essentially the first few years you seem to be so tied up, involved, and breathe every essence of it. From the tiny routine chores to the massive overwhelming feelings of love and guilt and knackeredness; it's border line insanity. This sounds so terrible, but I think it took me until he was about 5/6 months old to realise that he wasn’t going anywhere. I was so wrapped up in the sleep patterns, teething pains, feeds and nappies... I remember sitting down one day and thinking ‘What's next? Whatever it is, Franks here, an he ain’t going anywhere!’ I just had not had the time to take it all in.

For me, as the years slide along and you can see the time going so fast, that sense of worry eases and you start to get bits of yourself back and it allows you to appreciate the journey at bit more. After spending those first years giving yourself to the baby you slowly remember that you also have to give to yourself and let your child see that, as a positive life lesson.

As Frankie is growing the problems change - the joys, and tears and laughs - but he still takes up the same amount of space in my brain as he did from day one (just in different ways). I guess it will always be that way from now on.

Taking your child home for the first time: Seems blurry. It's weird but i enjoyed the cooked bland hospital food, lack of house work and the safety of the warm night lights in the  hospital ward, and, to be honest, was in no massive rush to get home.

As I believe all new Mums are, I couldn’t take my eyes off Frankie whether he was asleep, awake, feeding, whatever, and became quickly addicted to smelling the top of his soft, dark, damp little head. We drove home, midday, with the new car seat so so so slooooooowwwww because we had the most precious cargo. The house had been cleaned - and although with the greatest of intentions I am sure - it really infuriated me because Frank’s Dad had used bleach. I could smell it, and I remember thinking, ‘How rude and harsh and inconsiderate - my baby cant have products like that used in his environment!’ (jeeseeee) Over reaction, but the hormones seemed ridiculous by day three; home day! 

But as I stepped into the living room i saw it was full of cards and flowers, and the moses basket was set up all ready and perfect and that made me feel proud. Frankie had fallen asleep in the car on the way home, I hadn’t imagined that he would, I had thought it would be hectic and crazy, but for the first hour or so it was just still and quiet. I found that comedown a bit intimidating, the world closed down so small. It didn’t stay quiet for long!

Best/Worst advice: I think all of the advice that comes from friends and family whether you find it useful or useless comes from a good place, and it just lands which ever way you and your baby choose to place it.

My Mum is an experienced, practicing midwife and her advice is essentially 'roll with it'. Obviously if I ask for help she’s there without fail, but I know ultimately her faith lies in nature and the waves between newborn babies and their mother. I feel lucky to be around someone like her, with such faith and commitment, but at the same time I applied pressure on myself to be the same, and I’m not sure I was self-confident enough to go with that mind set all the time. I sometimes enjoyed the simple, rigid advice that my Grandma threw out from somewhere in the late 1950s, which I am sure made my Mum silently cringe... but only for a second.

Hardest Parts of being a mother: Aside from the practicalities of the whole balancing act, controlling feelings of worry about doing the best thing for you baby/child in the long run is easily the hardest part for me. Frankie goes to his Dad’s most weekends and it's difficult coping with the empty house after the noise of the week. But I know its more important that he remains close to his Dad, and remind myself that in many ways I am lucky to have that freedom.

Best Part: Chubby cheeks, first smiles, mashing up bananas, silly words, pointless giggles, the stressed times when one small thing they do takes it all away. Sleepy sleepy cuddles, first sloppy wet kisses, wellington boots, trying not to laugh at tantrums. Realising that they’ve got you exactly where they want you and that quite frankly you don’t mind anymore, play fights, christmas mornings, paddling in the sea, sweets. Deciding that McDonald’s is officially guilt free, having your own favourite kids show, getting new pets. The bringing home of drawings, leaves, conkers and finding weird things in Frank’s pockets (like squidged up orange segments, yum.) Watching them do something kind for some one else, night time chit chats and the sound they make when scoffing their tea in........... millions and millions of tiny things make the best bits of being a Mum. At the moment I love Frank’s conversations - I am surprised at how insightful he is, but the best bit is watching him play with and develop his own sense of humour.

Hopes for your family: I hope Frank will always feel that I am here for him to come to and that we remain always best buds. I really would like to see him grow into a kind, non-judgemental, confident, ambitious and fulfilled soul.

Any advice for expectant mums: Its important to talk, don’t be shy, don’t feel judged (there is no right way to do it), remember that the sky won’t be falling down if you fuck up a few times! And take millions of photographs... they might bore your peers right now, but they’ll only increase in value to you, gold dust.

Antonia and Safina

Name: Antonia

Child: Safina, 11 Weeks 

Location: Preston

Expectations of Motherhood: Having spent my life up until getting pregnant focusing on getting the right qualifications to equip me for my career and having my own mother warning me to get myself sorted before thinking of starting a family, I think I actually expected it to be a lot harder than I’ve found it so far (although my baby is only 11 weeks and there’s plenty of time for things to get more difficult). My mum got pregnant at 19 and my older brother (and only sibling) followed suit, he and his wife having their first at 19 and their second only 15 months later. I grew up with financial struggle and I’ve witnessed the emotional struggle children can bring when you’re not mentally ready. So the pressure was on for me to break the mold. I wanted to as well, I had ambitions to see the world and to find a career I would actually enjoy, but from a very young age I was also extremely broody. I have found that pressure the hardest thing so far. And it’s not just pressure from my family or myself, but from society. Having gained equality (for the most part) with men, women are no longer expected to stay at home and raise a family and I feel there’s a lot of judgment towards young women who actually do choose to start a family young as a result. Why would you want to do that when you don’t have to? But motherhood is something we’re programmed to want, not to mention the risks involved with having children later in life, and I felt that pressure to deny myself of those instincts. I was 24 when I did have Safina. I had my degree, a masters, I’d travelled and had enough Friday nights drinking myself silly to last a lifetime. I was ready. 

Reality of Motherhood: I expected to love my baby. It’s a no brainer really. I did not anticipate the overwhelming love I instantly felt when she was born. I couldn’t have possibly anticipated it because it’s unlike any other emotion I had ever felt. It’s made me realise how narrow of a term love really is. There should be more than one word for something that covers so many bases because the love I feel for Safina is totally different from the love I feel for my partner or my family for example. While it’s the most amazing thing, there are a whole lot of problems that come with feelings that strong.

Possessiveness for example. I’m having to force myself to take a step back now and let my partner take the reigns occasionally. It’s difficult in these early days when you’re breastfeeding because that’s a huge part of childcare that dad is excluded from, but there’s plenty of responsibility you can let them take on so that’s what I’m learning to do now.

Fear is another. Babies are so totally reliant on you and so completely trusting of you and I’m utterly terrified that something bad might happen to Safina. I have vivid nightmares about it, sometimes they’re horrible and I feel awful that my subconscious would even go there. But sometimes they’re ridiculous, like the time I dreamt she was covered in octopus ink and no matter how much I washed her, I couldn’t get it off (I’m sure a dream analyst would have a field day with that). I’ve also become hyper sensitive to anything involving children. I can’t watch charity adverts about starving or abused children anymore and a couple of news reports of abuse that’s happened locally recently have hit me harder than I ever would have expected. All this just makes me want to give Safina the best of everything and more love, support and encouragement than she’ll know what to do with. Balancing this with making sure she isn’t affected on the other end of the spectrum (spoilt, disillusioned, etc) is going to be tricky I’m sure. And that’s the real problem I suppose. I know I’m going to shape her personality in so many ways and how can I possibly know what is best for another life?

Then there’s the old parenting favourite. Guilt. Whatever I do I question whether it’s the best thing for Safina. But I really am trying to keep on top of that and making sure I remind myself that I am a person too and if I lose myself along the path of motherhood it will be more detrimental to Safina in the long run, because she’ll have a shell of a woman as her primary female role model.

Taking your child home for the first time: This is a really difficult question for me. It was only 11 weeks ago that we brought Safina home for the first time but the whole thing is really a blur. That could be partly due to the amount of drugs they had me on and the sheer sleep deprivation (I think I had about half an hour’s sleep in the three days I was in hospital). I hated the feeling of being drugged up to my eyeballs. I had this wonderful new baby and I wanted to soak up every minute with her but I just felt stoned all the time. After a couple of days I tried to wean myself off them – BIG mistake.

I was highly emotional coming home. I’d spent the day being told I could leave as soon as the doctor saw me. He hadn’t shown by 8pm and I’d been dressed and packed since early morning. I ended up telling the midwife that I would see my own GP and that I was leaving (yes I was one of those patients). So by the time I actually left the hospital I was a mess. I remember trying to get my mum to take photographs of me, Ricky and the baby outside the hospital and outside our front door and her photography skills were not to my standard. I shouted at mum, Ricky shouted at me, not exactly the fairytale arrival I’d imagined.

I also remember a distinct shift in my priorities. For me the nesting instinct kicked in early – we were sharing a house with friends when we found out I was pregnant so it became my mission to get them out (in the nicest possible way) and transform the house into a home. It was ready by the time I was about 6 months gone but by then I’d become obsessed. Even when I was in labour I tried to convince Ricky to join me in some light gardening to try and pass the time (he told me I was mental and I settled for a walk in the park). But when I finally had my baby home, none of that mattered. Needless to say the lawn hasn’t been mowed since her arrival.

The best/worst advice: The whole process from pregnancy to labour and then looking after your baby is a minefield of conflicting advice. It seems the NHS move the goalposts continually and so everyone has different ideas. Even amongst midwives advice varies. For me this made them really difficult to trust and given that I never saw the same midwife twice, I tended to find my own way. I devoured literature about pregnancy, labour and birth and was amazed at the antenatal classes (which were terrible) by how little other mums-to-be knew. It was the first time in my life I’d been the geek of the class but I found that arming myself with as much information as possible made me feel much more at ease with what was in store and while nothing can prepare you for motherhood, you can prepare yourself for labour and I actually really enjoyed mine (seriously). So the best advice definitely came from reading and listening to as much as possible and forming my own conclusions.


The worst advice I’ve had has to be over breastfeeding. I was determined I would do it but if I wasn’t so strong willed I definitely would have resorted to ‘topping up’ with formula. I knew that my body would provide Safina with what she needed but when she refused to sleep while in hospital the midwife told me she could do with a ‘comp feed’, I refused but when she became a bit jittery the midwife came down on me harder. She told me to feed the baby 20ml of formula. After five mil I cried and threw the bottle away and lied to the midwife about it (who was then happy with the baby). Since then she hasn’t had a drop of formula, in spite of various health visitors, friends and family members advising me that it would make my life easier by making her sleep longer, put weight on faster etc. It has taken time but Safina is now sleeping for longer stints and I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The guilt and the fear that I mentioned earlier are probably the hardest parts but I also find I miss the really small and often mundane things about my life before motherhood. Being able to take my time with my housework or cooking a meal. I miss blasting out my music and cooking up a feast while devouring the best part of a bottle of rouge. That’s how I relaxed, I’ve never really been the ‘put-your-feet-up’ type. Today wine is limited to social occasions (which are few and far between) and I’m lucky if I get time to eat, let alone cook.

The best parts of being a mother: There are so many things, seeing Safina’s little face light up when she sees me, the sense of pride and achievement I feel when she achieves something, knowing that she’s such a perfect mix of me and her dad and that we managed to create something so awesome, but the ultimate best bit has to be the absolute unique relationship between me and Safina. Nobody else can feel what I feel, I have utter exclusivity as her mother and no one can ever come between that.

Hopes for your family: I’d like a little brother or sister for Safina, I think two would be enough for me but I know my partner would like more and I know he’d like to have a son one day – but three is my absolute limit. But besides the logistics – because I suppose you can’t really plan these things too closely and you never know what fate has in store for you – I just hope that Safina (and any future children) grow up to be well adjusted children/teenagers/adults. I want her to be confident yet modest, outgoing, intelligent, witty, creative and we’ll definitely be encouraging her to be musical. But I also want to give her the space to decide for herself who she wants to be and I just hope to be supportive in whatever path she chooses. I hope that Safina and I have a good relationship. I want to be liberal enough for her to make her mistakes while having instilled a strong moral compass which ensures she never goes too wayward. I hope she doesn’t listen to happy hardcore, wear fake tan or read the Daily Mail (although I can’t think of anyone who does all three). I hope she can come to me with her problems. Mostly I hope she is happy and comfortable in her own skin.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I’d try my best to give minimal advice to expectant mums. Everyone who’s ever had children has something to say and when you’re pregnant you get bombarded with it. In saying that, I have already found myself rambling on to my pregnant friends about my experiences. My points of reference are usually labour – which I tell them in my opinion is not that bad. Your body is designed to do it and instinct will kick in if you don’t get yourself overly worked up. And breastfeeding –   I encourage them to at least give it a go. I also think it’s important that you build a network of other mums or pregnant ladies. Even if you had nothing in common with these people before, you will undoubtedly be able to find common ground now. You need to be brave and put yourself out there, attend classes and baby groups and don’t be a wallflower, you never know when you might need that support. I have also found it really important to look after myself, get dressed and put on a bit of make-up even if no one will see you other than your baby. It stopped me feeling like a total zombie when I was sleep deprived. Most importantly I suppose is not to lose yourself and who you were before you were a mum. You need to do what’s best for you as well as your baby.

Charlotte and Allegra

Name: Charlotte

Child: Allegra Jean Simpson, 14 months

Location: Gorton, East Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: All my life I've never once doubted that I wanted to be a mother even though I felt a bit ambivalent towards other people's children - I only really liked them if they were cute, quiet and snot-free. I started to go a bit crazy when I was 28 and still single - I was the only one of my friends who was already fretting about my biological clock. But when I did fall in love I stopped worrying about it so much because I was so happy with my relationship. Then I sort of accidentally (having not tried very hard to prevent it) got pregnant on honeymoon. The timing wasn't ideal and I was a bit wary about the whole thing but still thrilled (although I was secretly worried I might not love my baby as much as my cats). I guess I hoped I'd be a similar sort of mother to my own mum. I wanted to give my child time rather than money, to do lots of reading and creative make-your-own type activites and to bring my child up to be a Guardian-reader.

Reality of Motherhood: It was surreal to begin with - we just stumbled along in a sleep-addled haze trying not to break the baby. I was overwhelmed by how lovely our little girl was and relieved to find that that there was definitely no contest between her and the cats but I suppose when she was a newborn it was hard to know exactly who I was in love with - she was just this precious little bundle of potential. But every tiny developmental step has enabled me to know Ally a little bit more. There's no way to describe the feeling when she smiles, giggles or reaches out her arms to me. Every night I tell her I love her and one night a couple of months ago, I asked her if she loved me and she said "yeah". I cried. I don't really have any concept of motherhood. I only know what it is to be Ally's mum - and Ally is just the most amazing, fun and entertaining person. I love spending my days with her and teaching her about the world. It's such a privilege to be able to introduce someone to the sea or an elephant or Nutella for the first time and to be able to share with her everything that I love - people, books, places, foods, animals - everything is new to her and it's all tremendously exciting. I learn so much from Ally too. She is desperate to take me with her on her expeditions of discovery and destruction. Of course I'm writing this on a good day. Ally slept appallingly for the first eleven months and refused to take any food or liquid that didn't come direct from my breast so there were many, many times when my reality of motherhood was only that I physically ached, I never got to touch my husband and my kitchen, clothes, hair, face and beautiful daughter were smeared with wasted yoghurt and soggy bread. But even at its hardest, I always knew deep down that I am luckier than I ever imagined was possible.

Taking your child/children home for the first time: We had a bit of a false start as we were sent home from hospital a few hours after she was born only to be back again in A&E within 24 hours. We then stayed in a paediatric ward for four of five days because Ally had problems with her blood sugar and with latching on. The second time around I was just so happy that we had our little girl at home and we had no more silly hospital rules to obey. It was lovely.

The best/worst advice: The best advice has been practical - a breastfeeding counsellor who magically stopped feeding from hurting and, months later, a chat with a paediatrician who told me that if I wanted Ally to eat and sleep normally I'd just have to cold-turkey breastfeeding. She promised me that healthy babies will not let themselves starve or dehydrate no matter how angry they are. Tough advice to follow but it changed our lives. Conversely the worst advice came from health visitors who wouldn't engage with Ally's weaning and sleeping problems. They were so obsessed with the wonders of breastfeeding that they didn't care that I was being woken up every hour or that Ally barely ate solids at 10 months. They just kept telling me everything was going really well!

The hardest parts of being a mother: The worrying: I want to wrap her in cotton wool but I know I need to teach her to be confident and brave. Also finding yourself again. I miss reading, working and seeing films, plays, exhibitions etc whenever I feel like it. I know I need to keep up my career and my interests to set a good example to Ally - and also so that she doesn't grow up with the pressure of feeling that she is my life and my happiness depends on her. But it's so hard to conjure up the time to make it a reality.

The best parts of being a mother: Watching Ally sleep (especially those rare moments when she goes to sleep on me); going in to her first thing in the morning and seeing her grinning little face; feeling proud pretty much all the time of all the things she can do and how gorgeous she is; the fact that it's made me lift my game and use time more efficiently; having such a fulfilling extra dimension to my relationship with my husband.

Hopes for your family: I'd like Ally to have a brother or sister one day. I'd like us to move to a house with a garden, closer to our friends. I want Ally to grow up happy, healthy and good (but also keep her wicked streak!)

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Go out and meet other mums. Go to groups and make the first move to make friends with people. If the people you meet seem unfriendly, keep going to different groups until you find some nice ones - I don't dare imagine how hard the last year would have been without my mum-friends!