Jody and Alfred (1 year on)

Name: Jody 

Child: Alfred, 2

Location: Stockport, Greater Manchester

Last blog: 1 year ago, click for Jody's Previous blog entry

Life has changed massively since I was on the blog. I'm now a single mother, working full time and seeing my son 3/4 times a week (rather than every day). This is a double edged sword that comes complete with a massive bucket of guilt.

On one hand, the fact that I have to 'share him' and grab snippets of him through the week (either side of work) makes me feel terrible, like I'm not doing my job properly as a mum. I'm aware that I'm missing things like new words and jokes and 'first times'. I've relied massively on my own parents and friends for emotional support over the past 12 months and it's highlighted how incredibly lucky I am to be surrounded by such a strong support network. 

Alfred has adapted to his new set-up like a duck to water - I'm really grateful that he's such a chilled out little guy - although thinking about it, I grew up in exactly the same set-up and It never deeply bothered me either. The change in circumstances has given me a new and deeper understanding of what an amazing woman my own mother is. Her circumstances were harder than mine, and I take my hat off to any woman who has to go through the breakdown of their family without being surrounded by a support network. I'm so fortunate to have some wonderful people in my life. 

The other hand - the time that Alfie spends with his father - I initially filled up with distractions so I didn't sit, staring at the wall, thinking, "how on earth has this all happened?!" 

I filled it with things that I'd forgotten I loved (as I'd begun to define myself as a wife and mother); music, art, friends, sport, reading, going out. It's been a real journey of discovery, and for the first time in a very long time I feel like - and I'm comfortable with - me. I'm trying and loving new things that I would have never have done otherwise. It's a new lust for life which I intend to keep this time round. 

Motherhood has been intense but amazing. I love being the mother of a toddler. Alfred just makes me laugh all the time, and I think we bring out the best in each other. We are quite similar - both wind up merchants - and have loads of fun when we are together. It's great that we can have full conversations now too - although he's become a master of selective hearing. 

With him being so chilled out, I'm still not very good on what to do if he throws a tantrum in public, as it's so rare. He had one right in the middle of the Natural History Museum not so long ago and I just held his reigns while he rolled around on the floor. I could feel my face burning with embarrassment, so pretended to look at the stuffed birds, then just proceeded to kind of slide him across the floor to the next exhibit. 

The logistics are also more complicated with him living between my house, his dad's and his grandparent in the day. Plus it's emotionally quite stressful with the extra guilt incurred as we've shifted from being a 'classic' family to the kind of family we are now. But, truth be told, I've really taken to being a single mum. It's just about recognising, and making the most of the positive aspects of being a single parent.

I've definitely changed since the last blog entry, massively so. However, I think it's becoming a single mother (rather than motherhood in general) that has been the catalyst for that change. Surprisingly it's made me a lot more chilled out than before and open to new things. I worry less, I have fun more and It's given me fresh eyes to see the sort of attitude I want Alfred to grow up with. 

At the moment, the hardest part is maintaining a positive relationship with Alfred's Dad (which we seem to be doing OK at) and dealing with the guilt of not seeing him all the time - although I've noticed the hardest parts change from one month to the next! If you'd asked me 2 days ago the answer would have simply been, "getting out of the door on time without him taking his shoes off, rolling around on the landing and refusing to come down stairs 2 minutes before I needed to leave for work." 

I've also found hanging out with other families very hard. Kids parties especially. Then I feel guilty again, because I really don't want to be there pretending to be all happy and jolly - in fact I just want to crawl under the table and eat all the party rings and not feel so exposed as the one who hasn't brought their partner.

The best part of being a mum is being told, "I love you mummy" - no feeling compares to when I hear these words (apart from when he says the same thing to a snail on the way out of the house and I realise he's not fully grasped the meaning)... but it's still the best music to my ears. 

I don't wish I'd known this was how motherhood would turn out. I'm glad I didn't know what I was in for, because otherwise I may not have done it and I'm eternally glad that I did.

Any more advice?: Keep your child alive for consecutive 24 hour periods until they are 18. At which point, if you have done a good job, by then they should be able to do it themselves. Do it the best way for you and don't care what anyone else thinks so long as your house is filled with happiness, laughter and respect. Oh, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wiping your own child's nose with it's sock if it's the only thing to hand.

Jody earns pocket money by making cake stands, bird feeders and jewellery trees out of vintage china. www.etsy.com/shop/jodyapple

Emma, Jake and Ted

 Name: Emma 

Children: Jake, 6 and Ted, (nearly) 3 

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I can’t think what my expectations of motherhood were. I was very clear I wanted children, but I’m not sure I’d properly thought about the whole thing of bringing up a baby. I knew it would be hard but I think during pregnancy I was very focused on being pregnant and the birth and had maybe forgotten to think about the baby bit! In some ways this was really naïve, but then at the same time I’m glad I didn’t spend loads of time looking at books and building up an unrealistic sense of what motherhood and my child was going to be like.

It meant that I hadn’t set myself really high expectations (first time round). I hadn’t spent loads of time thinking about how I was going to ‘do’ motherhood, I rather muddled along, which has worked pretty well for me. I guess there are things that I’ve found myself feeling quite strongly about, but they’ve not been things I’ve thought about loads in advance, more stuff that I’ve come up against and found myself having quite clear ideas about what is the right thing to do for my family and me.

Reality of Motherhood: I look back at myself when Jake was a baby and I think I had some crazy times. Jake was the kind of baby (or I was the kind of mother) that wanted to be permanently attached to me, feeding, carried whatever and lots of crying (can I just balance this with saying he was also the sweetest loveliest little thing, but he certainly wasn’t an ‘easy’ baby, if there is such a thing). And I totally went along with his every whim. Some of the time this was OK, but I remember once being on the phone to my friend and crying saying I haven’t even been able to have any lunch (bless her I’ll never forget this, she then got a box of groceries/goodies sent round to me that afternoon, so sweet and she must have thought I was losing it!). I have to remember those times when I see first time mothers seemingly fussing. It’s such a life-changing experience and you kind of exist in a bubble for those first few months.

Second time round with Ted, I was properly prepared. I knew (or thought I knew) how difficult it was going to be. And then Ted was the happiest, easiest baby.. apart from reflux and the sleep thing, which took over 2 years to work out! But whether it was me being less highly strung, or what it was, he seemed pretty contented from day one and I found motherhood so much easier second time round. 

Taking your children home for the first time: When we brought Jake home it was so exciting, my mum and dad had driven up from London and I just couldn’t wait for them to meet him, it felt really special. With Ted it was all about Jake. Ted’s birth was really quick and I had him in the night so basically we went into hospital at midnight and were back around 6ish, so before Jake was out of bed. I remember it so well, saying “Jake there’s someone we want you to meet” and him coming downstairs and sitting on the sofa next to Ted asleep in his car seat, with Jake grinning from ear to ear. I have a photo and it’s one of my favourite ever pictures, Jake just looks so happy, so excited. I just remember how huge and grown up Jake suddenly seemed, 3 years old but suddenly a proper little man. And then, calling my mum up from the spare room in the cellar. She thought I’d just gone in for a check-up and had no idea that there would be a new grandson waiting to meet her.

The best/worst advice: I don’t know that I sought much advice as such, apart from specifics like to do with breastfeeding and sleep when I needed them, but I can’t think of any lifesaving advice that has helped me, in particular. However I have been very lucky that I’ve got lots of friends and people around me who don’t push advice on me but are there for me if/when I need them. I am also lucky that my mum isn’t one of those ‘I know best types’ and I think maybe I took my cue from her in terms of just going with the flow working out what worked what didn’t etc.

Maybe the best bit of advice I heard after Jake was a bit older and some friends and I were reflecting on early motherhood was that “nobody ever tells you that babies won’t die from crying” – meaning you can put them down for a few seconds, rather than in the sense of leaving them to cry all day. Which actually I wish someone had said to me when Jake was very small, as this probably would have made a huge difference, even though it is so obvious!

The hardest parts of being a mother: When the children are ill. We’ve been lucky with both Jake and Ted, there are no significant long term health issues that we’ve become aware of. However Ted’s had a few scares along the way, some worries with his breathing when he was very small, a hernia op and most recently (just after these photos were taken) a meningitis scare. For a child under 3 he’s had too many nights in hospital and it’s been in part awful – watching your child go under general anaesthetic is not an experience I would want to repeat – but at the same time he’s amazed me by the way he’s coped with situations like this. When we were in recently for two nights, he was ace. Once he felt a little bit better (but we were still waiting for blood test results) he saw it as an adventure, which made it easier for me to cope with the situation too. It’s only when I stop to think, I get scared about what might have been and also think about all the children and families whose hospital visits aren’t quite so fleeting and realise how lucky we are. I think the hardest thing is this overwhelming responsibility you feel, when you don’t always feel like a responsible adult yourself.

I should also say the challenges of combining a career with motherhood. For me this necessitates working most nights and constantly juggling my part time job with school pickups etc, but then I’m also so pleased I’ve been able to do this, and happy to accept the challenges this involves.

The best parts of being a mother: It’s so difficult to separate out the best parts. I love being a mum, I love the strength of the bond I have with my two boys, I love seeing them grow up, learning new things. I love the way they are with each other. I love seeing them laugh and grow into individual personalities. I love watching my children when they are unaware of my presence and just getting on with their lives, talking and playing with friends. It feels like such a privilege to be part of something so exciting.

Hopes for your family: It’s quite simple; my hopes for Jake and Ted are that they will be happy. For me I think confidence is a really important aspect of being happy, and I hope that’s something I can help instill by being supportive and encouraging. I also think it is my job to help them to learn to be caring citizens which involves lots of things including being tolerant of many different kinds of people from different backgrounds and basically thinking about others rather than just themselves. Of course as young children they are currently fairly self-centred but I hope they will develop into sensitive, but also hopefully hilariously funny, adults. And I hope that we manage to retain a close relationship and friendship in their adult years.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I think it has to be to go with the flow. I don’t think you can ever fully prepare yourself by reading and listening to people, as so much depends on what works for you and you baby/family and how you are feeling at the time. I’d say don’t set the bar too high in early motherhood. So what if you are still in your pyjamas at midday? What does it matter if the housework isn’t done? Enjoy your time with your baby and try not to put yourself under too much pressure, do what works for you and your child. It sounds clichéd but you will never get that time back and I think it’s important to find your own way that works best for you.

Barbara (and Kate, Aidan, Chris, Margaret, James, and Jane)

Name: Barbara

Children: Katie, Aidan, Chris, Margaret, James and Jane 

Location: Preston

Expectations of Motherhood: I couldn't wait to be a mother but Katie was born a week short of 4 years after we married. I had 2 brothers, one of whom was 3 years younger than me and I had great memories of his first year. I loved the smell (it must have been Johnson's baby powder) and maybe I loved the fact that he was a small person I could boss around. We were always very close, closer than my older brother who was only two years older than me. 

Reality of Motherhood: In my early teens I saw the original film of 'Cheaper by the Dozen' (a true story and much better than the modern re-make - the father being one of the first 'time and motion study' people in the States) and decided 12 would be a good number! Of course I thought it would be all fun, and hadn't realised the writer was rather well-off and in a rather different league to us, nor just how much children could be hard work! 

In addition I had serious back problems. I had a slipped disk and an operation before Katie was born and then more trouble - two more disks slipping - when Chris was 5 months old. This resulted in 7 weeks on my back and parents-in-law coming alternately each week to look after me and the children. I was discharged after traction and heat treatment but was still in pain and thinking it would be forever. 

It took ten years before I was quite free of the pain, and that wasn't the last time I had problems, but not on the same scale again fortunately. I realised along the line that it wouldn't be practical to have 12 children, but was still delighted after it all that I had six. I can't even regret the one I might have had (miscarriage at 3 months, probably a boy) because the other three wouldn't have been the same people if it hadn't happened.

Taking your children home the first time: I was really looking forward to this. In those days we were kept in hospital for a week. My only problem was that I not only found it easy to feed my baby myself, but I was perhaps keeping half a dozen premature babies alive too! This created some embarrassing episodes back home when there was only one hungry person to feed. 

There I was on my own for the afternoon, baby asleep like a little lamb, and wondering what to do with myself. It didn't last. I was determined to do everything right so after tea it was bath-time and then feed. My sister-in-law had come over for the evening so helped me with bath-time which was pretty awful. I had no idea how slippery a tiny baby can be when well soaped and was very quickly in quite a panic. Then the feed - and a lovely four hour sleep again? My baby had turned out to be the clockwork kind. Wriggly but so well-behaved. Oops! Not this time. She definitely did not want to go to sleep. I spent a good part of that first evening in tears. All three of us tried walking her round the room, my husband, me, Auntie, but nothing would pacify her, alternately grizzling, howling or just, probably, enjoying all the attention. In no time at all I was in tears and soon realised how useful it was having another - detached - person around even though she had no experience of looking after babies at all. 

That was in fact the start of a classic case of three months colic, ideal behaviour all day and night, feeding every four hours without fail - except for that slot from 6 pm till 10 pm until she was awake for longer - and longer - and longer.... and my realisation too of who was quite definitely the boss! 

From the start she could wind her Dad round her little finger - and he'd shown no interest in her when visiting in the hospital. (He just didn't like hospitals, but I'd been scared that he wasn't 'bonding') I'd have been lost without him over the following weeks...years!

The best/worst advice: Fortunately I didn't have too much advice at all and did find some books like the one which diagnosed the three-month problem (which I didn't have with any of the others) and stopped me worrying too much. The worst advice was that I should put the baby in the pram and park her at the end of the garden where I couldn't hear her cry. There was no way I could think that was a good idea and I'd never tell anyone else to do that. I don't think very small babies are 'naughty' - they cry for a reason even if it's hard to find out what it is. 

The hardest part of being a mother: It becomes your identity for a while. You live through your children for a bit, terrified in case anything bad should happen to them, though you get this into better perspective with more children. Keeping a consistent attitude with discipline is the other difficulty, give in one day and have to put up with the consequences the next!

The best part of being a mother: The sense of pride, the sheer joy of having your baby smile and put out his/her arms to you. I still love walking along with a granddaughter, her small hand in mine in complete trust.

Hopes for your family: Not so many families grow as much as mine - 8 of us for a start (2 parents and 6 children), then 18 grandchildren ranging from ages 27 years down to 2 years - and now two great grandchildren mixing up the generations.  

I find this a difficult question as now it's some of my children who face the problem of their children 'leaving the nest' or being once again a household of just 2. 

My worries about any of them facing starting school, leaving school and so on are so long ago they are difficult to remember. We had our worries but thank goodness I  can now just enjoy their company as adults and equals and am immensely proud of them all.

Advice to new and expectant mothers: Basically you know best about your own baby - their likes, dislikes, odd quirks of behaviour etc. You also need tons of patience so get practising straight away!

Remember your baby is a person from the start, and talk to him/her right from the start. It doesn't matter if they don't understand a word, they soon will. Don't worry if people think you are odd talking to a tiny baby while out shopping. I've had some funny looks from time to time but it really works! 

If you can, join a mother and baby or toddler group coming together just to play - it's as important for your child to meet other children as it is for you to meet other mums and 'grandmums'. There was next to nothing when my children were growing up but taking grandchildren to a 'play group' made me realise just how much they gain in self-confidence and all sorts of skills in a well-run group with plenty of equipment. 

I've recently rejoined a group I took my youngest daughter to when she was 11 months old, now taking her daughter. Watching other people's babies week by week is still fascinating - you don't see your own child's progress in the same way as it seems to happen so slowly. On my own the weeks sometimes dragged by with no apparent change and I often felt very tied down with no time to myself. I didn't meet other mums till I reached the school gates with mine! There are far more opportunities now - if you don't know any other young mums near you, start by looking in the local library for notices and many have storytime or other sessions for toddlers. 

Finally, if you think small babies and toddlers are difficult - just wait till they hit the teenage years.....and know everything.

Margaret and Rebecca, Gemma, Lucy and Alice

Name: Margaret 

Children: Rebecca 26, Gemma 16, Lucy14 & Alice 8

Location: Preston

Expectations of Motherhood: I never really thought about this when I was pregnant with Rebecca. Being only 17 it was all a bit unexpected! But I think because I came from a big family with 3 brothers and 2 sisters I had quite realistic expectations of motherhood. I remember my Health Visitor commenting when Bec was a few weeks old that I'd taken to motherhood "like a duck to water".

Reality of Motherhood: Each time a new baby has come into my life I have realised how to begin with a tiny person can take over your entire life and turn it upside down, dominating everything you do. For those first few weeks with a new baby even the fundamental things you take for granted like going to the loo, having a shower or cooking a meal become unbelievably complicated. 

But after the first few months it all gets easier and the baby just slots into your life. Since I have been a mother for all of my adult life I have never really known any different. My children are my life.  

Taking your children home for the first time: When I had Rebecca it was back in the days when you had to stay in hospital for 5 days. One thing that was good about being in hospital for so long back then was that the babies were all taken away at night to the nursery so the new mums all got at least 5 full nights of sleep before they went home. I've only got hazy memories of taking her home for the first time but my main memories of those first few days were my sore stitches and the horrors of breastfeeding for the first time and spraying breastmilk everywhere. I do remember that I hadn't quite mastered the breastfeeding by the time we went home.

With the other three I was only in hospital for 24 hours each time, but I couldn't wait to get home. If I'm honest I didn't like all the noise from other people's babies and it was always impossible to sleep on the postnatal ward. I vividly remember the day we brought Lucy home - her head was blue for days because she'd had the umbilical cord wrapped twice round her neck. Gemma, aged 21 months declared "mucky 'ead - needs a bath".  

The best/worst advice: I'll never forget what a neighbour once said to me when talking about her family: "If we're all in bed at the end of the day and we've all survived then I know we've achieved something"

The hardest parts of being a mother: Having to juggle everything constantly. I've always worked as well as being a mum and this has always caused an inner conflict in me between being a mother and having a career. I had postnatal depression after my youngest 3 daughters were born which was very hard for me and my family each time.

The best parts of being a mother: The little things. Watching them grow. The things they say and do that make you smile. Their achievements. Being there for them when they need advice or a shoulder to cry on. Seeing them grow up - and have their own children. 

Hopes for your (growing) family: That they get whatever they hope for out of life and that they are happy.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Enjoy motherhood. Enjoy your children. Don't worry about doing everything perfectly.

Lucy and Lara

Name: Lucy

Child: Lara, 4 months

Location: Shaw

Expectations of Motherhood: Having children had always been a “Yeah one day” kind of thing, then magically that 'one day' arrived in early spring 2010. I just woke on a random Wednesday and felt ready and luckily fell pregnant fairly quickly. I expected what I think everyone expects of having a baby to be tired and highly strung and not really manage to change out of pyjamas on most days. But most of all I was excited and really looking forward to meeting my baby and bonding with her, I'd read the books, listened to all the advice and felt ready to welcome her into the world. 


Reality of Motherhood: I really do love motherhood and I'm more relaxed than I ever thought I would be, Lara always comes first but I don't stress about things like I thought I would. I do have a routine that she sticks to and it works for us, so that is the only thing I ensure stays intact. But the grandmas have had her for a couple of hours – along with a huge list of instructions – I'm fine about friends and family holding her and even the enthusiasm of my 4 year old nephew doesn't get me worked up. I am confident that if Lara was unhappy she would let me know and if I'm unhappy in a situation I change that situation.

Taking your child home for the first time: After 3 nights in hospital, which I actually quite enjoyed – meals brought to me and a helpful midwife on hand – I was ready to return home. We wrapped our new bundle up, popped her in the car seat ready to venture out of the hospital and she just wouldn't stop crying. We spent about an hour in the hospital room nursing her and trying to get her quiet. Eventually she fell off to sleep and we were off. We arrived home in the afternoon. I don't really remember the specifics of that first day at home - we had a couple of visitors and Lara just cried and cried, so out came the dummy, but she wasn't really interested in that either. I fed her and she went off to sleep early evening, only to wake up just as we were going to bed. My wonderful husband said he would take care of her, as I had been on night duty every night in hospital and I really needed some sleep. He nursed her until 4am when she fell into a deep enough sleep enough to pop her into her crib and he could get a few hours shut eye. The next few day were a blur, but we got into a routine within a few days and here we are 4 months on.

The best/worst advice: The best piece of advice for me was to buy the Gina Ford book. I know it's not for everyone, but it has been a real guide for me and I love it! I can't think of the worst piece of advice, I probably just blocked it out!

The hardest parts of being a mother: The hardest part of being a mother for me is stopping myself doing things for Lara when she is learning to do it for herself. For example, the first time she rolled over she was having a right old struggle, make noises like she was bench pressing at the gym. I really wanted to just give her a little nudge, but I stopped myself and she did it all by herself and has been rolling over no problems since. I think this is something that will be with me all my life, it's a learning curve for me to let her find her own way in life.

The best parts of being a mother: The best part of being a mother is when Lara looks up at me when she wakes up in the morning, does a big yawn and then give me a huge grin and a giggle. It makes everything worth while.

Hopes for your family: We are just about to move into our first new house so it's exciting to be moving as a family and just taking our family life day by day all learning and growing together and expanding our family – in the future as Lara is only four months old!!!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Nothing can really prepare you for having a baby, but the best thing for me was having a read about what to expect once the baby arrives. A bit of advice and guidance in print really helped me, my mates had all had babies, but they seemed to have forgotten everything about having a new born – which I now have, so just having a book to hand really helped me.



I always thought I wanted a baby, sometime in the future, it was always a one day kind of thing, then I woke up one morning and thought – Oooh, the future has arrived. But I never realised how much I would love being a mum, before I had Lara I would coo at babies, but never pick them up, even my nephew, as I just never knew what to do with them. But since the first hours of having Lara everything seemed to click into place – obviously not the sleep deprivation and breast feeding, but it just felt instinctive, what to do when she cried and over the four months we have come to know each other better and better and I now understand - most of the time - what she wants and needs. It's fabulous.