Liz and August

Name: Liz

Child: August, 8 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood:
I knew it would be tough, but to be honest I couldn't actually picture myself as a mother so it all seemed a bit delusional. I tried not to think about it too much and just hoped a healthy baby would appear at the end.

Reality of Motherhood:
The first 6 weeks............... horrific! I could not believe nobody had pulled me to one side and warned me about this while I was pregnant.

Obviously the sleep deprivation is a killer, but absolutely nothing prepares you for this. You would never be put in a situation (unless as a form of torture) where you are woken every 2 hours. It was around week 2 that I realised I would not be having more than a 3 hour block of sleep for quite a while! This would be bad enough on its own, but add to it a bruised and battered body, plus learning to breast feed and its even worse!

Now 8 months in...... motherhood is still exhausting but so much fun! 

I feel so privileged to spend everyday with August.

Taking your child home for the first time:
After spending three days in a shared room with 4 other women (one of whom was in labour!) with August screaming the place down and demanding a feed every 30 minutes I was ready to get the hell home! My partner and dad picked us up and it felt like a getaway car. We shoved all my stuff into a bag, grabbed the baby and fled! I was sure they'd made a mistake and if we weren't quick enough they would change their minds and be after us.

As soon as we got home I started cleaning.....I went into hospital on the Monday morning and didn't get home til the Thursday evening, so nothing was how I left it. Two grown men had been living at home while I was away so let's just say standards had slipped a bit!

The best/worst advice:
The worst advice was from a breast feeding counsellor who said, 'if it hurts your doing it wrong'. I did everything I was supposed to but it still hurt. A lot! 

I stuck with it and after about a month things fell in to place. I think August and I were just getting used to something that was new to both of us.

The hardest parts of being a mother:
No matter how much help you have or are promised, in reality it all comes down to you. I think it was around the third month I suddenly realised, 'Oh my god I am the one who has to do everything!'

The best parts of being a mother:
The bond I have with August right now. 

I know as she gets older this will be split more equally between her father and I, but while she is still a baby and so dependant on me I'm enjoying the rewards of being the apple of her eye!

Has becoming a mother changed you?
In some ways yes but these could be temporary as it's still the first year. She is my number one and it can be hard to concentrate on much else. The idea of going back to work at some point scares the hell out of me and I'm lucky that I can take my time a bit. I do look back on things I used to worry about and think, 'WOW, you had way too much time to think about things!'

Hopes for your family:
I just want to raise a happy, healthy, and confident little girl and hope that I can be there as much as possible for her.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?In the first few weeks only surround yourself with people who will be 100% supportive of you. You will most probably be exhausted, depressed, highly strung and extremely emotional, so anyone judgemental need not apply!

Nicola, Benjamin and Erin

Name: Nicola 

Children: Benjamin (3) and Erin (4 months)

Location: Chorlton

Expectations of Motherhood: Honestly, I didn’t think it would be anywhere near as hard as it is. I'm a lawyer, and pre-pregnancy I worked long hours and managed a team of other Lawyers and paralegals so I was used to stress, pressure of time, trying to divide my time between lots of other people and having to respond quickly to the demands of my seniors, which often included the judiciary. I honestly thought raising children would be easier than work. I had planned to re-learn the piano, brush up on my French and even go camper vanning around New Zealand’s north island with the baby. (I cringe when I think about how naive I was). How wrong I was. 

Reality of Motherhood: Raising children is the hardest job I have ever done in my life. I am sleep deprived, I am tetchy, I am emotional, I am a control freak (who knew!), I am probably a borderline alcoholic and I am not a very good wife. There are never enough hours in the day, I have stopped having hobbies, I have stopped caring so much about my appearance, I eat far too many biscuits, I am constantly washing, folding or putting away clothes (note the omission of the word “ironing”), the dog is neglected, dinners are often frozen and at times I actually feel like a prisoner in my own home. But by God am I blessed. When Benjamin hugs me and tells me I am his best friend, or when Erin looks up and smiles at me while I am feeding her (excluding the middle of the night feeds I suppose) I feel enormously grateful and lucky to have two little people in my life who will always call me Mum. I adore watching them grow and learn and they surprise me every day with things I didn’t know they could do. Hearing Benjamin say “excuse me please” to another little person at a playgroup the other day filled me with pride. Watching Erin suck her thumb fills me with awe that she’s learnt to do it all by herself. Playing in puddles, making a mess with paint, chasing and trying to catch falling leaves, the smell of a newborn baby’s head, watching them bond with each other, dancing in the living room, encouraging, praising, teaching, learning, tickling, giggling........ the list of pros goes on and on and is much much longer than the list of cons. Yes its hard, but raising children is the most rewarding job I’ve ever had the privilege to do. 

As for “work” - I returned to work when Benjamin was 11 months old and it was a doddle. I got to drink a cup of tea before it went cold, I got to go to the toilet with the door closed, I got a lunch “break” and I got to have adult conversations. And my armour was stronger – it didn’t really matter if I had a bad day in the office or if I got shouted at by a Judge at the Crown Court, because I knew that at the end of the day I would return to my "family” and they would make it all ok. Beside, being shouted at by a Judge is infinitely easier to take than a toddler tantrum because I’ve turned Cbeebies off!! 

 And as for New Zealand – its not going anywhere – what’s the rush! 

Taking your children home for the first time: Taking our children home were wonderful days for us. All the neighbours came out to see them, Mum and Dad were here and had cooked us a lovely meal. There were balloons, banners and lots of cards on display and I felt very very special. With Erin, she slotted straight in to family life. The dog didn’t seem too impressed that we’d gone and got another one though!

The best/worst advice: The best advice I got was from my mum and she simply said this “mother knows best”. I honestly believe that mothers intuition is a powerful tool. The best advice I could give is to take any advice with a pinch of salt!!!

As for bad advice – I don’t make room for it in my memory bank!

The hardest parts of being a mother: The guilt – and constantly worrying that something I have done or said in the past could have a negative influence on them.

The best parts of being a mother: That I can walk around in leggings all day.

Has motherhood changed you?: I haven’t changed – I’ve evolved.

Hopes for your (growing) family: We haven’t yet decided if we are to be a family of four or a family of five (six if you include the dog!) but however big the brood, I simply wish for happiness. The rest will follow.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: A lot of people told me to expect the sudden rush of love when I held my newborn baby in my arms. That was helpful advice to an extent because it numbed the anxiety of actually giving birth, but the reality was that when Benjamin finally made an appearance, I was so tired (physically and emotionally) that I just wanted to sleep. 

I remember not being that bothered that I didn’t have skin to skin contact with him (how bad is that??) and was glad that Tris was there to hold him and start that father/son bond whilst I was being repaired! That night however when it was just me and Benjamin behind our little curtain on the hospital ward, and the drugs had worn off, I could see just how helpless this little creature was and had an overwhelming need to love and care for him. I picked him up out of his little bucket and held him and my life changed forever. So my advice really is that what’s good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander. Everyone is different and everyone will have a different experience of childbirth and beyond.

Be true to yourself. Embrace the journey. Your child is their own person – baby expert books cannot change that. Acceptance. Strength. Love. Oh, and never break a promise to your child.

Mary and Eleanor (1 year on)

Name: Mary  

Child: Eleanor, 2 years 

Location: Heaton Norris, Stockport
Previous blog entry 1 year ago (click)

Life since the last blog post: I’ve now finished uni for the time-being (I was a term into an FdSc in Ecology and Conservation Management when I got pregnant and carried on part time once I’d had her). I finished with the highest grade in the year group which I’m massively proud of considering how hard I worked for it and how hard earned that work time was. 

I’ll go back in a few years when I have fewer demands on my time, but right now I’m being a full-time mum and totally loving it. It’s a mix between immensely hard work and a social whirl, as we have to plan one social activity each day to stop me going stir-crazy and give Eleanor some companionship with other children. Now she’s a bit older we can do things at home, like baking, arty stuff, gardening, etc which I enjoy too. I think the secret to being a happy mum is to enjoy the things you’re doing with your child. Otherwise you get disconnected from each other in your separate activities and I think disconnection is where behavioural problems start.

Motherhood since last being on the blog: The second year has been much easier than the first. After the first year most of my friends from antenatal class went back to work and I found myself a bit bereft. I needed adults to be with and I felt Eleanor needed the company of other children. It was probably a hidden blessing though because it got me out and about, trying to find like-minded mums. Sometime in those few months I discovered La Leche League, who were wonderful because they were totally on board with my parenting approach. Through La Leche League I’ve met some good friends and discovered a whole host of associated activities and groups.

Has motherhood changed you? I think it takes a year before you can assimilate all the changes that take place at the start of motherhood. It totally changes your relationship with your partner, I think because rather than looking towards each other all the time (figuratively speaking) you’re side by side looking towards your child. It takes a while before you can accept that I think. I’m massively lucky that my husband and I agree so well on our parenting approach. He doesn’t just say it, he uncomplainingly has her in bed with us to sleep, never implies he finds my breastfeeding a toddler bothersome, and goes along with a gentle approach to discipline. 

It also changes your attitude towards the news, the future, your friends – you find yourself thinking of the parents, family background and upbringing of sportspeople, politicians, comedians… You want to tell the man in the stationary van that’s had its engine running for the last half hour that he’s contributing to climate change our children will be left to deal with. You cry when you see images of starving children and orphans on the news. Being a stay-at-home-mum means my whole life is about Eleanor, my work, my play, my interests, so it can sometimes take a while to find a non-child related subject of conversation. You can tell who your real friends are because they persist in trying to find a new common ground when the old ones similarities have shifted!

Having a child is so life changing it creates an instant bond between you and anyone else who’s ever had one. It’s an instant conversation starter as you compare notes, commiserate and reassure. I’ve never been particularly outgoing and have always looked in awe at my own mum who makes friends wherever she goes, but since having Eleanor I’ve become a lot more confident in myself and hence with other people.

Hardest parts of being a mother: The days when I wake up feeling like the walking dead. I can’t think properly and just want to curl up on my own and sleep. Inevitably she keeps me on a short leash all day (“Mum-my! MUM-my!” “Mummy look! Mummy look! Mummy look!”) which drains my powers of organisation even more. Heaven forbid we’ve got to be somewhere on time on a day like that – my powers of negotiation rely on quick thinking so instead I just sort of drag her along behind me all day. On those days I go to bed that night feeling like a terrible mother.

Before we realised she wanted to drop her daytime sleep we’d fight to get her to sleep every day at a reasonable time and it meant the entire day had to be geared up to be as exhausting as possible so she’d go down earlier. Usually I got exhausted before her and that didn't make for happy pair! Having her still up at 4pm, but having invested so much energy into getting her to sleep and needing some time to myself… not good times!




Best parts of being a mother: When she does something that surprises me into feeling proud. When she shows she’s come on in leaps and bounds somehow when I wasn’t looking. When she shows altruism despite all my expectations.

When we do something together that just turns out hilariously; our eyes meet and we both burst out laughing. Simultaneously. When she shows interest in something I’m interested in, like when she saw a lavender bush, pinched off a leaf, smelt it and said something that sounded like lavender, or when she planted a little fleet of plant markers in the flowerbed after watching me planting out seedlings. When she tells me where lost things are: “Have you seen my phone?” “Upstairs. On the bed.”

I’m so glad I’m still breastfeeding her. I think of breastmilk as liquid love. When I see her face, the anticipation as she goes to latch on, the look of utter bliss as she tastes the first milk, the concentrated sucking followed by sleepy contentment, I feel I’m giving her the best gift I could. And she looks like that every time, as though something she has multiple times a day is a rare and special treat!

What you wish you’d known before having children: I wish I’d known that accepted norms are meaningless and that the real way to be a good mum is to work out what’s right for you and your child. I saw people doing things and heard advice and judgments, and for a long time struggled with not fitting in. I’ve never bothered to fit in when I don’t feel it’s right, but I’ve still felt the pain of failure. Now I just do whatever works and through my friends I see a wide enough range of parenting to realise that’s really what everyone does once they get comfortable. Motherhood isn’t about fitting in because it’s about a relationship between you and your child, not society.

Any more advice for mothers and expectant mums: I wish I’d done a bit more research before having her. It was all about me – my pregnancy, my birth, but I didn’t have much interest beyond that till I had her. 

A friend, Toni (http://www.the-mothers.co.uk/2012/10/toni-and-arlo-1-year-on.html) lent me The Continuum Concept when El was three months old and it had a massive impact on my whole parenting approach. Until then I’d just been cobbling together bits of advice I’d heard, none of which added up or worked. I think I only twigged after a few months that you can do things the way you want, there is no prescribed way. 

Here are websites I've found really useful:

Manchester Slingmeet http://manchesterslingmeet.com http://www.facebook.com/pages/Manchester-Sling-Meet/123976837681133 – if your baby doesn’t let you put him or her down it’s time to get a sling. Manchester Slingmeet have a hire library so you can try out different babycarriers till you find the right one.

La Leche League http://www.laleche.org.uk/pages/groups/county_list.htm – I wish I’d met these guys earlier. Meetings are just friendly discussions on a theme and you get to meet lots of other breastfeeding mums. They’re also good on attachment parenting. 



Mary and Eleanor's previous post: http://www.the-mothers.co.uk/2011/09/name-mary-child-eleanor-11-months.html

Danielle and Lincoln

Name: Danielle 

Child: Lincoln, 2yrs 

Location: Salford 

Expectations of Motherhood: The only word I could use to describe my expectation of motherhood is ‘unrealistic’. I relied on ideals that had been pieced together through memories of my own childhood, through films I had watched and the practicalities from books I had read. I thought I’d be the doting mother in the rocking chair, gazing lovingly at my little bundle and trying to soak in every second. We were the first of our friends and siblings to have a baby, so there we were stepping into the unknown - maybe this was why I was so unrealistic. 

I wasn’t worried at all really, thinking I’d take things in my stride. I really hated the fact that it seemed people were trying to put a dampener on the whole experience by constantly reminding me that I was about to enter the world of no sleep. I just thought to myself, ‘I know it’s going to be hard but I will cope!’.




Reality of Motherhood:
I will break this down into the stages I went through:

The beginning (first 6 weeks): Well, I won’t lie… I hated it. I had a long labour where I didn’t sleep for 3 days, which set me up for a torturous time. The one thing that I didn’t think about when I was doing all my planning was the mess my body would be in. Hormones everywhere, wobbly body, sitting on blow up rings to avoid the pain and then there’s the breastfeeding which never got easier for me I’m afraid. Lincoln was a very sicky baby and barely slept during these weeks which meant he wanted feeding a lot. Most of the time he would feed through my tears and agony, quickly throwing it all back up, meaning I would have to start again. This went on for 4 weeks at which point I decided to put him on formula. Had I been mentally stronger at the time I may have persisted but it was just making me (and him) miserable. Often pulling all-nighters in my uni years I thought I’d take sleep deprivation on the chin, but I most definitely didn’t. I struggled. A lot. I think because I struggled I felt like I was failing - which just made it a vicious circle - so it took me a while to claw back my sanity. Luckily I have a very supportive fiancé who had saved up holidays so he could be with me during the difficult weeks and we were able to share the sleepless nights. It got better though, much better.

The rest: At a very early 6 weeks we decided to move Lincoln into his own room mainly because we were all keeping each other awake! Lincoln was (and still is) a very noisy sleeper and between that and me being overly aware of him, constantly checking his strange noises weren’t a warning sign, it was turning into some kind of sketch show. Looking back, moving him into his own room was one of the best decisions we made. Lincoln started sleeping a good 6 hours at a time from then on (and so did I). I can still remember that first night he slept through. I felt like superwoman… I could conquer the world! From then on, yes we would have the odd crap night but I started to really enjoy being a mum. My confidence grew and I wanted to go out of the house with him more, taking him to classes, seeing the grandparents… I think I even got reacquainted with my make-up again. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved motherhood from day one but sometimes felt it was hard to enjoy as there’s so much deal with and get used to at the start. It’s like learning to ride a unicycle (if you have never ridden one before of course). Life changed the moment I held Lincoln in my arms and I guess at first I wondered what I had let myself in for but the truth is I would do it all again in a heartbeat. The reality? Motherhood is blummin’ hard but my god, it’s rewarding. 

Taking your child home for the first time: Ah, I remember this so vividly. It took us about an hour to get him ready to go home in the hospital because we were deciding what to put on him (so he was warm enough, but not too warm). I was so proud carrying him through the hospital in his car seat (even though I was walking a bit like bambi on ice skates). People stopped and asked me how old he was and I’m sure I said he was 3 days old… and later worked out he was actually only 1 day old. (It had most definitely felt like 3!) 

Then we navigated the fitting of the car seat and drove home slower than a milk float. Through the door we went and naturally as it had been a good 20 minutes since his last change, we thought we better change him again. We got him on the changing mat, took his tiny nappy off and then BAM…. there parenthood officially started, with him peeing in his own face! I was horrified! I didn’t even know that this was possible. Anthony and I couldn’t do anything but shout and panic! It’s hilarious thinking back on it now but I know at the time it felt like the end of the world. Lincoln was screaming and so was I…

All was well with the world though and it was just one of the many pivotal learning curves we went through on our journey to graduate from new-born college. (Seriously, there should be a ceremony).

The best/worst advice: The best advice I got was from a lovely midwife who told me to keep the house nice and dark and peaceful at night and then in the day have the light blaring in and TV on. I think it definitely sped up him cottoning on to some kind of routine… eventually!

The worst advice I was given was to wake him up for a feed every 2 hours. I don’t quite understand why the midwife told me to do this but it felt ridiculous while I was doing it and that’s because it was. Being a new mum, any bit of advice from a professional seemed like it was Gospel - I think next time I’ll trust my own judgement more. I believe a mother’s instinct far outweighs some of the sound advice that gets thrown at you from all angles.

The hardest parts of being a mother: At the beginning I thought the hardest thing about being a mother was dealing with the lack of sleep, but I was so so wrong. Fear is a ruler of my psyche every day now and I find myself following news and politics more intently. All these horrid things I read about where parents lose their little ones just breaks my heart and it’s because I can’t help feeling that pain myself at thought of being in their shoes. Lincoln is my world and having him taken away would be tearing that world apart. 

My instincts are to protect him from harm, but the more he grows, the less reliant he is on me, so I am finding I have to reign in these instincts more and more. THAT is very difficult. Even the tiniest things like allowing him to find his play and explore when I take him to the park is hard to watch. I can’t help but follow him around with my arms open ready for him making a wrong move. Only now can I understand why, even past the age of 20 when I’d be stumbling in at 4am after a night out, I could hear my mum stirring upstairs waiting for me to come in. She was probably thinking, ‘thank God, now I can sleep’.

The best parts of being a mother: The best part is the fact he makes me smile every single day. No matter what mood I am in, even if he’s not even said a word… I’ll look over and I just smile. He’s the best. 

The harder times are easy to forget but those moments you remember always. I get so much joy out of seeing him grow and learn new things, he amazes me every day and I couldn’t imagine life without him. I could fill this answer with lots more clichés that are all, of course, true but the fact is it’s actually easier to talk in depth about some of the harder parts about being a mother, not because the harder parts outweigh the best, but because it’s difficult to justify with words how amazing it actually feels.

Hopes for your family: I have lots of hopes for Lincoln. Anthony and I are working hard trying to build good careers so we can teach him to work hard and aim high. Not to the point where there will be lots of pressure on him though - we just want him to find out what he likes and go for it. I think it’s natural to look at some of the mistakes you have made in your own life and try and guide them away from making the same ones. My main hope is to have a good relationship with him, I want him to feel like he can talk to me and ask for advice. I want him to grow up to be a healthy, happy and confident young man knowing that his mum and dad are there for him when we are needed (and probably most times when we aren’t). We also want Lincoln to have a little brother or sister, but at the moment it’s not the right time. The big big dream is to one day move to Canada and live an active outdoorsy life… but as with most other things we would like, it costs money! So who knows what the future holds?

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: GET YOUR SLEEP IN NOW…. just kidding. 

I would say try and relax; a crying baby is not necessarily an unhappy baby and although it sounds like a panic alarm, don’t panic. Also, don’t read too many parenting books before you have the baby - I quickly found out that all babies are different and getting things to suit your babies tastes involves a lot of trial and error. You’ll get the routine right eventually and then they will most likely change again. 

Oh and don’t fall into the trap of buying unnecessarily expensive (and sometimes useless) baby things. I mean you can buy things like snot suckers but they can’t beat a good old bit of tissue! Above all… enjoy it! Sit in your room of chaos, laugh it off and steal as many precious moments you can get with them. No one expects you to be Martha Stewart and the world doesn’t end just because you have a messy house, but time passes by so quickly. I remember always urging on the next stage from seeing his first smile, I was looking forward to him crawling, then walking, then talking and so on. Now he is running around bossing me about leaving me wondering where that tiny baby went.

How has being a parent changed you?: You can speak to any member of my family and they will most probably nod in agreement at what I’m about to write. Before I had Lincoln I was a very different person. I had a big social life, and going out with mates every weekend (and some weekdays too) was top of my agenda. I had plans to travel the world and was figuring out what career path I wanted to take. 

Looking back, I can see how selfish I was. everything was about me. I’m surprised my family weren’t more concerned when I announced I was pregnant.  Anthony and I hadn’t been together that long, we were living in separate houses and were (and still are) skint. 

But now my world revolves around someone else, someone so much more important to me. Even though I would have loved to do a bit of travelling, I think I have gained more from the stability of getting a bit of structure in my life. Had I not had Lincoln, I don’t think I would be as close to my parents as I am now, we wouldn’t have bought a house, got a car and I probably wouldn’t be blogging or embarking on a career in social media. I have more important dreams and aspirations now, ones that don’t just involve me. I feel much stronger, more mature, more focused, and yes a little more tired too but it’s a small thing to lose for such a massive gain. Who would have thought this party animal would one day long for early nights and family days out? Not me.

Danielle's blog can be found at http://www.itstartedwithasquish.com

Charlotte and Max

Name: Charlotte

Child: Max, 17mths

Location: Chorlton, Manchester 

Expectations of Motherhood: My journey into motherhood didn’t happen easily, so when it came to me taking the last pregnancy test - I had done so many by this point - I knew this one was different. I was scared to take it! I didn’t want to believe that what we had hoped for (and had started to feel wasn’t meant to be) was finally going to happen!

No matter how much I had wanted and planned for that moment, I couldn’t believe it was happening (and took 3 more tests!). After my initial feelings faded I had the most magical day, feeling that it wasn’t just me anymore, that I had a little one inside me. Oddly enough this actually eased my fear. From that day onwards I made a conscious decision to talk to my baby (well, bump!) and to make sure I continued to do all I could to feel connected to my little one.

I loved being pregnant and had so many special moments that I was quite scared of how I would feel not being pregnant and how would I deal with the reality of a baby. I didn’t have any experience of babies and wondered, 'What if it turns out that I don’t know what to do?' 

These were some of the many chats I had with my bump, or ‘bean’ as he was known by then. 

Reality of Motherhood: After a 37 hour labour I can honestly say I didn’t have that gushing feeling of overwhelming love, I just felt so relieved that it was over and we were all ok! 

Unfortunately we both picked up an infection which resulted in a further 5 nights stay in hospital - suffice to say I was exhausted and well and truly feeling the baby blues. I was desperate to take my baby home and for us to start to be a family, however in this was a difficult, and an often very isolated time. There was one moment that stayed with me, and made it all worthwhile, cuddling Max one night I read his tiny wristband, and it hit me, that this was MY son I was holding, and that I was now a Mum! A delayed reaction I know, but well worth the wait! 

And then came the getting home, and my God, although I had been desperate to get home it was a case of careful what you wish for! I had issues with breastfeeding from early on and basically became permanently attached to my breast pump (bought by my very stressed husband on the second day of being home after I had burst into tears on him again!). 

I had made the decision in my own mind that if I was going to have to give him a bottle that it would at least be breast milk that I fed him. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t breastfeed that sometimes when I fed Max in public I would try and hide so people wouldn’t see the bottle. Because of this it became a bit of a mission that I was determined to carry on for as long as I could and consequently expressed continuously to build up enough stock. I knew deep down that I couldn’t keep this up for too long (and my health visitor tried to say the same). I knew that I needed to stop beating myself up about it and just make the decision to stop, but anyone else who has been in this position will know how hard it is. I had to make the decision when I was ready to do so. 

In truth I was massively unprepared for the reality of having a baby and how much my life would change. If someone had told me before that I would walk down Beech Road after meeting a friend for lunch wearing a white top covered in mustard baby poo, I would have simply said, 'Absolutely no way!' and laughed out loud. But I did do that, and although it was mortifying, I did laugh - although not in the way I would have thought. 

The reality is you do these things, and sometimes it isn’t glamorous, or easy, but there is one very good reason why you do it, and that’s for your baby. Although unprepared on one hand I was also so well equipped on the other. All I had to do was what I had always done, talk to my baby and somehow by doing so we’d get through it - together - and 17 months later I’m still doing that and we are! 

Bringing your baby home for the first time: After being stuck in hospital and having to see Max given antibiotics through a cannula strapped to his tiny little arm (which made dressing around it fun!), I couldn’t get out of there quick enough to start family life (whatever that meant). 

Walking out of hospital with your baby is one of the most surreal moments you will ever experience, followed by a very tense drive home. The drive was especially tense for Olly (including a few choice words for the man who nearly crashed into us)! 

We made it home…and after that, well to be honest my overriding memory was of eating the nicest bowl of pasta Olly had ever cooked (following 5 days hospital food). I’m not entirely sure where Max was (asleep in his car seat I assume!). Following that the health visitor turned up at some ridiculous hour the next morning to find Max and I still in bed, and none of us being clean! Not the best start, but it only got better! 

Best Advice: For me, the best advice that I was given was to talk to my baby, and that by doing so he would find a way of telling me what he wanted/needed, and if I kept that up we’d be ok...and it’s true, but then again it did come from the best source - my Mum! From my perspective I would say no matter what you read, or what you hear, it’s really important to trust yourself. After all your baby and your own instincts are there for a reason. 

On a practical level I would advise investing in a baby CD (The lovely sleepy baby one worked for us!). It might drive you mad after a while but it really helps to settle them during the witching hour that is late afternoon/early evening!

I also used a sound machine in our room from day one, allowing Max to fall asleep to the sounds of the ‘ocean! This still works really well now, and helps me to sleep too! It helped to soothe Max early on, especially as he was quite jumpy after being poked and prodded continuously in hospital. 

Although somewhat controversial, I would say moving babies to be in their room early on works - Max outgrew his Moses basket after a couple of months and we didn’t have room in our bedroom for a cot, so he went into his own room. Of course it felt hard seeing such a tiny baby dwarfed by this cot bed, but it worked; he loved his room (and still does) and is (touch wood) a brilliant sleeper! I know it’s absolutely an individual choice and not everyone will agree, but I’m simply sharing my thoughts on what worked for us.

Worst advice: I didn’t really receive any bad advice as such. It was more that my personal experience of a breast feeding counsellor wasn’t helpful - and I actually felt worse as a result. I felt I couldn’t recreate what I had been told to do and was also made to feel a bit stupid when I'd said I hadn’t wanted to give Max my milk whilst I was bleeding. The response was, ‘A bit of blood won’t do him any harm!’. Whilst this may have been ok for him, upon reflection maybe it wasn’t ok for me! Instead I simply persevered, and carried on feeling guilty and in pain. 

Hardest part of being a mum: For me it has to be an inability to switch off - your mind is always thinking, is he OK doing that? Has he eaten enough? Will he sleep through? Good, bad, fun, sad, whatever it is, your mind will be thinking.

Coupled with this is the guilt. Such as, am I playing with him enough? Has he been out enough? Is he eating the right things? I really struggle with a lot of this as I am at home with Max on my own 4 days a week (it was 5 until recently). Olly and I both talked about this when we decided to have a baby - but after 15 months I started to struggle a little. I felt I needed to do at least a few hours work for a break in routine and enjoy some adult conversation. I also felt it was important for Max, as I really didn’t want to get to the point where I resented my decision to stay at home with him. Thankfully my dad is able to help out 1 day a week, and they both have so much fun that it helps me switch off and appeases the guilt - for a few hours at least!

Max recently had a nasty bump to his head, after which he went floppy for a few seconds. For a minute I panicked and allowed my mind to go to that dreaded dark thought, the one that lies dormant but never far away in the back of your mind, 'what if?'. It reminds you what it feels like to be scared and helpless - both of which I’ve felt frequently as a new mum. 

It all comes down to loving someone so much you can’t imagine being without them. 

Best Parts of being a mum: Now to the fun part! And that’s exactly what it is - lots of fun! He makes me laugh out loud most days and has lightened my life in a way I never knew possible. Watching my little man grow and develop is incredible. I love that we have been a team since day 1. Seeing the way he looks at me, holds my hand, strokes my face (all on a good day!) - it melts me and makes all the guilt, anxiety, tiredness and stress disappear. Tantrums aside, I love the stage that he is at now, and although it’s exhausting, seeing him become a little person - trying in different ways to communicate with me and getting an idea of his personality - is just magical. 

Hopes for your family: Naturally my main hope is that my little family stays happy and healthy. I feel so proud of what we have achieved up to now and I don’t want to put too much pressure on where we will be in the future, or what lies ahead. It’s all part of the adventure of having a child - you don’t know where you’re at from one minute to the next, from tantrum to laughter - it all happens in a split second.

Advice to new and expectant mums: To reiterate, on an emotional level it’s about trusting yourself and talking to your bump/baby.



I don’t read baby books, and try not to compare us with others (although it’s inevitable sometimes). You’re not going to be looking at it from a neutral perspective though, so other peoples' babies will seem better behaved (though never cuter!) and other mums will appear calmer, more groomed etc, but I would go back to the advice of listening to, and learning from, Max. To be honest I take it minute by minute and go from there.

On a practical level - buy a sound machine and a Baby CD. In addition buy yourself a coat with a hood. Trust me, wrestling with a buggy and a brolly is not fun - I only found this out the hard (and very wet) way!

Personally, I loved having a pre-natal baby listening device (despite being adamant I wouldn’t get one!). There was something quite amazing, and surreal, about sitting on the sofa watching TV with Olly - headphones in, listening to our baby’s heartbeat. 

To be honest though, it’s such a personal journey, and you will find your own way through it, and that’s part of the magic of it. You do find a way through it, and while it may not always be easy, it’s rewarding on a level you could never imagine.

Toni and Arlo (1 year on)

Name: Toni

Child: Arlo, 2yrs

Location: Heaton Moor

Previous blog entry: http://themothersphotos.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/name-toni-child-child-arlo-aged-1.html

The last year has been bloomin' busy. We moved not long after we had our first photos taken for the blog and then we moved again another six months later. At the ripe old age of two, Arlo has now lived in four different houses. As someone who's on her thirty third home, I know all too well how badly this state of perpetual flux can effect you when you're growing up. My parents were forever moving, and this rootlessness had definite repercussions for me, in terms of establishing friendships, and creating the stability a permanent family home can bring. I really wanted to make sure that we found somewhere completely perfect that we could happily stay in until Arlo reaches at least the Surly Teen phase and in this one, I think we've found it. 

Motherhood can be defined for me in one word - sacrifice. The absolute focus for me now is Arlo - whether in time, money or social activities. In everything I do, I think of him first and pursue his happiness with an almost military-like zeal. As a result, there's no time for being as self-preoccupied as I was before and I've also stopped being quite so bothered about what other people think. As a formerly painfully insular person who was pretty much crippled by social insecurities, this has been a massive change of seismic proportions. I spend much of my day now crawling through cardboard tunnels & blanket-covered dens and am perpetually coated in PVA or whatever substances we've been playing with that day (currently it's our homemade play dough - http://www.theimaginationtree.com/2012/04/best-ever-no-cook-play-dough-recipe.html). There's no place in my wardrobe for the high maintenance, dry-clean only types of clothes I used to adore.

While gleefully getting myself up the duff, I had no concrete concept of what I'd do after the birth. I airily assumed our family would help shoulder the burden of childcare and had vague concepts of childminders and the like. When it came down to it, the fact that my meagre window dresser's salary of peanuts couldn't support childcare costs, and our family weren't in a position to help either, came crashing down on my vague ideas of returning to work part-time like a concrete block. Living on my other half's salary is just about keeping us going; we don't bring in enough income for holidays or treats. I hate that. 

I spent my childhood watching my parents try to buy stuff with post-dated cheques and hiding from debt collectors. I had the brainwave of setting up my own business, selling the handmade things I make for Arlo to generate extra income (and also as a means of trying to keep my brain ticking!). It's a lot of fun, but definitely a temporary solution for while I'm a stay at home mum. In the long-term, I'm planning to retrain in my spare time, so I can attempt to get back into full-time work (with hopefully a somewhat better salary than what I was on before!). 

  

Probably the worst part of motherhood for me was how I wasted a lot of time in the beginning. I'd rage against the suffocating feeling of having only (on average) fourteen hours a week to myself (including time asleep, as we share a bed), and debating whether I was doing the right thing, continuing breast-feeding and co-sleeping. 

After accepting that this is only temporary things have got easier. My reasoning is that this is the only time in Arlo's life that I'll be able to ensure he feels utterly secure, and if it takes an hour of my time each night to hold him until he sleeps, then that's what he'll get. I appreciate that the 'Cry it Out' solution works a treat for billions of other people, but I'm afraid I'm a soft sod and it's not something I can personally do. Plus, I love the intimacy of having our entire family unit all in one bed. It has meant we've needed to create a Mega Bed system (using a king size bed plus an attached cot-bed), but we've got a huge bedroom so it works fine. 

The best parts of being a mother for me are all the shared moments I have with my son. His head lain on my shoulder, his arms giving me a big squeeze and a reassuring little voice whispering to me in the dark: "Mummy's got you. Mummy's ALWAYS got you" (it's what I say to him when he's hurt himself or he's scared). 

I'm hoping the strength of our relationship will be the base-line that he can build himself and his confidence upon. I hope to be my son's foundations and scaffolding, equally as much he has become my own. Motherhood has helped to ground me; it's given me the stability that I missed when I was growing up, along with the confidence that I've always lacked. With these, it's like a floodgate has opened on both my creativity and on my openness to other people, and it's been amazing.

Arlo is also my license for lunacy. We have a zillion ridiculous games we play together and are already establishing those shorthands and in-jokes that make up a family's secret vocabulary. I also spend a lot of time creating him things to play with - partly due to being massively skint, but mainly because my brain feels like it's on fire with a thousand ideas of crazy things to make. Most recently, I've stitched a pirate parrot (onto a shoulder pad with an elasticated strap), a gaudy neon superhero cape for his dressing up suitcase and hand-carved stamps for his personal stationery set. I make something pretty much daily and, after suffering a creative block throughout my entire Design degree and making very little at all, it's ironic that my creativity has finally found an outlet now thanks to my tiny Muse.

One of the things I wish I'd known beforehand was that becoming a mum would make me mentally revisit my own childhood and break my heart all over again. Both my parents were alcoholics and I had a bit of a weird upbringing that was very isolating, mainly due to their behaviour basically repelling all their friends and our family. I also never had any friends round, knowing instinctively that my home wasn't normal. I look at the sombre eyes of myself as a little girl in the very few remaining photos that exist, and I feel angry. As a parent I can see the selfishness of decisions made when bringing me up. 
Now, as (pretty much) the only man left standing from my own family, I feel like some strange kind of pioneer leading my small band of three into the uncharted territories of stability. Breaking the family cycle of disfunction and self-annihilation has taken a lot of hurt and no small amount of balls to do, but for Arlo - it was worth it. 

My two penneths of advice for other parents to-be: 

- Remember everything is finite. There are an awful lot of random stages that roll in, turning your world upside down, only to then wane out again just as fast as they arrived. 

- Say sorry. If you raise your voice at your offspring or you're in the wrong, don't be afraid to admit it. I apologise most days, I'm only human.

- Have a laughter quota. I aim to make Arlo do a minimum of one laugh per day (tickling does not count). You'd be amazed what good it does you both. A bit of silliness is good for the soul.

Jane, Scarlett and Herbie

Name: Jane Weaver

Children (and ages): Scarlett,  8 and Herbie,  5

Location: South Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I always wanted to be a mum and imagined having this massive brood. I had this vivid daydream before and during pregnancy that I would be this calm earth-mother, walking around barefoot, long hair flowing, baking and singing to the children like one of Joni Mitchell's 'Canyon Ladies'. I would have cats and babies around my feet, strumming lullabies. I was quite looking forward to this new person I would be once I became a mother.

Instead of being a sometime-reckless, irresponsible, work-hard/party-hard musician to whom the perfect end to an evening was doing Karaoke with sailors, I thought I would actually grow up. I would be inspired, wise, confident and calm. I would be a really cool mum who would never raise her voice unnecessarily and whose kids would be guided - never punished. The children would glow from the creative backdrop of their parents. I spent hours imagining the crafts we'd make, seeds we'd plant, games we'd play, songs we'd write, clothes we'd wear and how we'd look. I was excited about entering this world.

Of course, when the children finally came along I realised that it wasn't possible, and the wood nymph mother I'd imagined was mostly unavailable; her princess locks were bedraggled because she'd not even had a shower yet as she'd been busy washing clothes and ironing. Later on that day she would spend hours pureeing home-roasted, organic butternut squash, only to find it lazzed across the highchair in disgust by a crying baby. 

In a nutshell lets just say my expectations keep adjusting as my children's personalities and preferences develop (....and my son puts his hands over his ears every time I sing, so…) 

Reality of Motherhood: My daughters (fashionably late) arrival was massively traumatic, and no book I'd read or birth plan I'd made had accounted for this. I was overdue by 10 days and had been in labour for an age, then finally the labour resulted in a very dramatic emergency c-section. 

The baby was distressed, but as they prepped me for theatre an alarm went off and another woman was rushed in before me - her baby was in a worse state. I remember lying there for about 40 minutes; I was exhausted and shivering uncontrollably, delirious with fear and feeling that my baby could die or I would die. I was praying-hard. I could feel the spinal anaesthetic wearing off and I was sick from all the medication. Any romantic notion I'd had about birth was well and truly quashed. 

I was eventually wheeled in and she was born to 'Superstitious' by Stevie Wonder (playing on the hospital radio). The nurses were having a dance and arguing about who sang the song. In my head I was shouting, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ITS STEVIE WONDER!'

My hippy brain was convinced all the time I'd been pregnant that it was a boy. God knows why, but I would nod smugly at friends whilst rubbing my belly and say, 'I can feel its a boy'. I spent months talking to little "Sonny" Imagining his big brown eyes and mop of black hair (just like his father's). So when the nurse handed me my baby and said, 'It's a girl!' a single massive tear ran down my face because I was so overwhelmed with love. 

She was placed on me and I felt overjoyed and immediately protective of this little alien-imp. She didn't look like a girl at all and I was so confused and drugged up. I kept thinking they'd got it wrong (and I was very annoyed because I'd bought all these blue stripey playsuits with me). 

Back on the ward I felt so dreadful after 4 days of zero sleep, but also felt really really sick. I thought, 'How am I ever going to do this?' I needed to recover quickly but couldn't even feel my legs. My daughter seemed to cry incessantly with hunger; she'd fall asleep for an hour and then feed for an hour. It was non stop. The final straw came when the girl in the next bed to me started slurring loudly to her partner about how the morphine they'd given her felt, 'Just like an 'avin an E'. I was really offended by the real world and wanted to go home to my safe environment. 

We'd hardly thought of any girl names, but Melodie (after Serge Gainsbourg's album Melody Nelson) seemed apt. But I then decided that Melodie with a Mancunian accent didn't sound as beautiful as with Jane Birkin's broken French one, so we changed it to Scarlett.
Scarlett didn't sleep through until she was 11 months old. She cried all the time and I remember the sleep deprivation wildly taking hold of me. I was so out of the habit of sleeping I couldn't sleep; I felt like a walking ghost. I was so focused on being a good mum that Scarlett was never effected by all this, I idolised her and my husband and I catered to her every need and more.

Reality was tough. I still felt physically ill, I had a constant stomach ache and felt awful. My husband was away working a lot and I felt so nuts that throwing myself off the top of the house seemed inviting. I went to see my GP because I felt like I was losing the plot - I was so knackered and I resented everything. Her advice was probably the best anyone gave me. She said, 'Put the baby to bed, go downstairs and pour you and your husband a large glass of wine, and let her cry. It will be very upsetting for a while, but sleeping is a social skill and they have to learn to get themselves to sleep. You are not allowing her to do this'. Harsh as it all sounded she was totally right, and it worked. 

*I'd also like to point out that we did have a baby monitor and didn't get leathered*

As we got more sleep, things were really good and our daughter fascinated us. We fell in love with her more each day. I remember recording her voice when she started to talk and thinking, 'this child is surely a genius!' (Cue visions of joining Mensa and shaking hands with Carol Voderman), but then you realise most parents think the same about their own kids and the bubble is burst. 

Amidst all these new discoveries I still felt physically ill. I was in debilitating pain and had zero energy. Initially I'd put it down to being tired, but then I started to get a bit worried and my instinct was nagging me that something wasn't right. I was back and forth to the doctors like a Woody Allen character, and after many tests over the next 2 years it was confirmed that I was actually suffering from a condition called coeliac disease. I'd probably had it all my life but it had been missed, but being pregnant had challenged my body so much that the symptoms became very aggressive. By the time I was diagnosed properly I was pregnant with my second child. 

With coeliac disease you can't digest gluten found in oats, rye, barley and wheat, so it makes you ill. You also don't absorb the vitamins and minerals you need, and when you are pregnant your body needs all the good stuff so it explains why I'd felt so rotten for years.

Thankfully my 2nd pregnancy with my son was great and I felt really healthy. Herbies arrival was a less shocking experience than his sister's, and even on the photos I'm tanned with nice hair and makeup - I probably could've managed champagne and chocolates like Posh Spice. I was physically well as my illness was under control so I felt strong, and luckily for us he slept through the night after only a few months.

Taking your children home for the first time: I remember leaving the hospital still feeling dreadfully poorly with Scarlett thinking, 'I don't know what I'm doing.' 

I felt guilty because she'd had a traumatic birth and blamed myself. I hadn't slept for about a week (which in hindsight was nothing ), but still my maternal instinct was to just look after her. I couldn't drive for weeks and I remember getting a lift to Asda, praying she wouldn't cry so that I would have to go to the toilets and breastfeed her - obviously, that is what happened. 

The lovely side of it all was my husband and I did a lot of 'staring at the baby' for hours and coo'ing,. We were both amazed and bewildered that she was ours. 

Bringing Herbie home was easy, and the good thing about another baby is that they tend to slot into everything that's already set up. At home I just wanted to be with my brood, after being on a shared ward in hospital I didn't really want visitors, and constantly having to feed them became a joke - but one that I particularly didn't want to share with everyone.

The best/worst advice: With my first child my best friend gave birth a few weeks before, so we were on the phone quite often comparing notes (usually about feeding, as we'd both rebelled and gone onto formula milk by then). Eventually - like two detectives - we figured if our babies fed well, they'd sleep well. We both tried Gina Fords book, 'The contented baby book' as it had worked and was 'amazingly easy' for someone my friend knew - we were so tired we grasped for any information that could work so we could sleep. The results were patchy. 

Sleep became like finding the magic egg, and it's funny now, but at the time I couldn't accept the fact that controlling a child it's not as easy as it seems. It's like a mule going up a ladder - you can follow anything to the letter, but at the end of the day they just do their own thing. 

I remember being horrified at my first pre-natal appointment when the mid-wife said, 'Don't buy a baby bath - you don't need it. Go down to the pound shop and buy a bucket. Babies prefer it.' ...I didn't, but now I understand you genuinely don't need as much fancy stuff as you are led to believe by 'Mothercare' and 'Mamas and Papas', etc.  

You'll spend 100s on a digital baby monitor and it will break just as easily as the 40 quid one. You get guilted into buying stuff and then you have a clear out and stumble on barely-worn, expensive minature shoes and 2 factory-sealed copies of 'Babies first year diary', all bound for Oxfam.

My Mum has always been great with advice she said to me fairly early on (after one of my familiar bouts of ranting), 'You need to learn the word "acceptance". Things will never be the same again,' and she was, and still always is right.

The hardest parts of being a mother: It's relentless. Before I had kids I was much more laid back and such a free spirit, but I remember the first time I took my daughter for a walk, the world outside our window was a very dangerous place all of a sudden - cars driving too fast, sunshine shining into babies eyes, fighting dogs in the park. It was like a risk assessment and health and safety switch had been flicked on in my head and now it won't go off: 'Get down off that wall!', ' stop putting that pencil in your sisters eyes!', 'dont put too many grapes into your mouth or you will choke.'...I could go on (and on) and on. The kids are fun but they don't see danger at all. 

It's terrible when they are poorly or actually hurt themselves; Scarlett had a bad fall recently, but she really surprised us though as to how grown up and brave she was in hospital (whilst we where shaking and turning green as she was stitched up). 

As a mother you also are never ever allowed to be ill. Forget the old days of catching flu and lying in bed for a week and talking in tongues - you have to work through the hallucinations (after a box of Lemsip Max).

Working is still challenging. I'm a singer songwriter mainly, but I also work with others on my own record label (releasing mine and other artists' music) and I also DJ from time to time. My creativity has not gone away since having kids, and it's still really important for me to keep doing this - hopefully when they are older they'll appreciate this more! 

 The frustrating part is these days I can't just drop everything anymore - burn the midnight oil or hop on a flight - because everything has to be planned out months in advance.

The best parts of being a mother: The love I feel for them is boundless, and I get told constantly, 'I love you mummy' - I also get cards and amazing drawings and cuddles. 

 The love I feel for my own mother, and knowing my kids feel like that about me, makes me feel special and complete; we are tight. Its also made me appreciate and respect my parents on a whole new different level too - I can't believe they did this for me as its so hard, and they still are so supportive now.

My kids make me howl with laughter - usually when they are being naughty. 

My son once broke free, with me in hot pursuit whilst we were shopping in John Lewis and he decided to run all over the expensive Persian rugs in muddy wellies for what seemed like an eternity. Everyone looked at me in disgust.. but I kind of enjoyed it.

Hopes for your family: I want to hang out with them for as long as I possibly can. Family time and all being together and having fun is the best; its magical. I want them to continue to trust me more than anything as they grow. When they start school you realise they start changing so quickly - the one that was a good eater now dramatically weeps at every meal, and now there's door slamming and storming off etc. You can't control everything that goes on but you hope you can get them through the tough times.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Before you give birth go out socially with your partner, mates or whoever as much as you can manage. Go shopping, go out for meals, gigs, go on holiday - anything! Pamper yourself because once the baby arrives even getting in the shower is like a challenge from The Krypton Factor.

This is probably the most important thing though… be honest with your fellow sister. Post-partum I was really looking forward to meeting other new mums - hanging around drinking coffee, off-loading, and sharing experiences. The idea seemed nice. I imagined this commune-vibe, village co-operative from the 70's - everyone on an equal footing because we were all mothers. But it's not the case. Some groups can seem a bit like The Stepford Wives - perfect, cliquey and competitive because little Jimmy had already rolled over at 15 weeks, and Sue had lost all her baby weight from breast feeding alone. I sought out the odd poor cow who was rubbish at lying like me and found out that this was how you make good friends.

…..Oh and don't bother decorating your whole house in posh victorian chalky matt emulsion paint, as soon as they can crawl you'll have buttery crumpet handprints all over your living room, for the next few years you'll be wishing you'd have gone to Wilkinsons and bought its own brand silk paint. 


Jane's music and record label can be found here http://janeweavermusic.com