Nina, Ada and Edith

Name: Nina 

Children: Ada, 3 years 8 months, Edith 1 year, 8 months

Location: Ramsbottom

Expectations of motherhood: With my first, I think I thought it would be like having a doll who just did whatever I needed them to do. We'd carry on our normal lives with a cute little person to hang around with. From labour onwards that fantasy was blown away....instead I got a real baby! 

Second time I was better prepared for all the stuff I wasn't prepared for 1st time. But still, there was the shock of getting a child who was entirely different to the first. My mum told me that you spend such a long time fantasising about your baby before and during pregnancy that when your own arrives you almost grieve for the one you didn't have. 

Once you've adjusted you can't imagine a different child, until, of course, you have another. Oh yeah, I had girls too! Not one, TWO! That wasn't in my imagined family either, I just thought I'd have boys like everyone else in my family. 

Reality of motherhood: it's the hardest job I've ever had to do. EVER. The responsibility is mind blowing & often overawing. Babies and children do not do what you require them to do, and therefore I found myself challenged from the very first moment I was passed my 'beautiful' pooping, screaming, red and angry baby. 

Bam, guilt!!!!! No one really told me about the guilt. The Guilt. 'Could do better' is written in invisible ink all over my every fibre. Is it worth it? Of course. 

Another sometimes harsh reality is the seismic shift of every other relationship you hold dear. Becoming a parent changes everything. How you see your husband, friends, parents and well, everyone. I have a new found sisterhood around me, other mummies. Born from tearful, exhausted confessions of a sleep deprived new parents at baby groups, in the park, cafes, work, anywhere really. I sniffed out, with expert detective eyes, other mothers, who appeared like me, to be bumbling through; other mums that forgot obvious essential items like......oh I've forgotten already. I clung on to their stories, identifying with their anguish and admiring their strength. I made new and significant friendships. I became closer to my own mother & mother in law. 

Taking your children home: We were desperate to get home with Ada and begin our journey into parenthood. 

We asked strangers on the hospital corridors to take pictures. 

We fiddled with car seats & coats and blankets and everything it seemed. 

I held her tiny hand all the way while daddy escorted his precious cargo home. 

My head full of fears and hope, rabbit and headlights springs to mind. 

With Edith, after a near perfect re-enactment of her sister's exit from hospital we were less fearful and more confident so called at the supermarket to get supplies. We pushed our newest bundle around and my heart swelled every time someone peeped at her and gave the sigh of delight at the sight of delicious squidgy newborn. 

With my second I had a better idea of what I wouldn't do. I wanted to feel in control. I wanted to call the shots. I wanted visitors to come on my terms. I grew some bigger mummy balls. Still got slapped with a big dollop of guilt though. 

Best/worst advice: All my best advice has come when I felt a person is being real. I felt other mums loosen up when I've shared yet another mummy fail and not edited my experiences and advice to be that of a perfectly calm and rational earth mother (because I am not one of those it transpires). Who knew? 

It seems I am fairly good at being a bit crap at it all but I tried to laugh. Parenting is not a competition, there are no prizes (other than your own adorable bundle of joy of course) so if you're gonna turn it into one, I don't wanna hear. Tell me a story about peeing the bed on the first evening postpartum & slipping in your own puddle of piss while your baby is trying to latch on to your elbow then I'm all ears. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The fear and guilt. Learning to laugh is a life saver. The realisation that this shit is real for the next 20 years is scary as hell. Also, 2nd time as a large cloud crept up around me the hardest thing was seeking help, but it was the best thing I could have done. 

Has motherhood changed you? Aside from the physical changes, the extra 2 stone I carry and a bladder with a mind of its own, the changes are positive. I may no longer have a social life, clean clothes, a tidy house, disposable income, time or sleep but I do have 2 awesome little angels. Two sisters who throw their arms around each other & declare 'huggle', who pull each other's tops up to blow rasp berries on their tummies, who cry if the other is hurt, who feed each other & fall out, who hold hands, who watch each other's backs. These 2 little humans are the best replacements for anything I had before.

Hopes for your family? I wish for my family to be able to find laughter and love at the centre of everything. I wish for our girls to grow into citizens with a conscience & desire to take part. I hope my girls grow up to respect themselves & and others. I hope my girls know how loved they are. I hope my girls continue to watch each other's backs. I hope my girls are never afraid, but if they are, to come to us.
Advice for new mums: All the obvious stuff, enjoy every nano-second, take loads of pics blah de blah. But really, be yourself, remember who you are and don't try & be super mum. Do what's right for you and your family and trust your gut mumma instincts always. Ask for help and remember, everything is never usually as it may seem. Don't look at others and compare, look at your child and their awesomeness and use that as a measure of how well things are going.

Elisa and Nova

Name: Elisa

Child: Nova Millie, 10 months (4 months in the photos)

Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Expectations of Motherhood: I was so nervous. I’ve never been the most maternal of all souls. Before Nova, I had never changed a nappy or fed a baby, and if one was handed to me I’d prefer to not hold it in case I dropped it – they seemed so incredibly fragile and dainty to me. Also, to be honest I only really thought as far as giving birth and the following first couple of months – I expected many sleepless nights, a much more scruffy-looking version of me and a lot of chaos.

Reality of Motherhood: Wow. It was a different sort of tiredness than I could ever have imagined in my wildest dreams – at times I couldn’t even string a proper sentence together. But we were so lucky with Nova and 99.9% of the time she was a super-pleasant, totally laid-back and happy little creature. It was so strange to all over sudden have her home after preparing for her arrival for so many months.

The first three months were really hard. I felt like a robot: changing nappies, feeding, putting Nova to sleep. Changing nappies, feeding, putting Nova to sleep. Changing nappies….you get the gist. And even though she was mine, even though I loved her from the moment she was put on my chest she was still a stranger with a personality and character that would first really emerge in later months. Then the day came when Nova first smiled at me. I just melted, and our bond since has become stronger and stronger.

Taking your child home for the first time: When we walked out of hospital and the sunlight hit my eyes I felt like that dude must have felt when he woke up in 28 Days Later – confused, weak and like I had been in a deep comatose sleep for a very long time. My partner was carrying Nova in her car seat in front of me, and I remember the congratulations balloon tied around the handle hitting me on the head every couple of steps. It took quite a while until we had figured out the car seat (it seemed so straight-forward in the shop!), and then we drove home at 20mph. All three of us were exhausted, but also happy (well, Nova was asleep but she must have been happy to get out of there).




The best/worst advice: When I was in hospital after giving birth, I was told so many conflicting things. Each midwife would do things differently, the health visitor had a separate opinion and then there are so many members of the family who all want to help with advice. But the truth is it confuses the hell out of you! What is the right thing to do? Who is the most appropriate person to listen to? Is there a ‘right’ way? An important realisation to me was that your confidence as a mother grows with time. After all, babies aren’t delivered with an instruction manual and all babies are utterly different! I’ve been to so many different activity and play groups where we met other babies Nova’s age, and it was amazing to see that even though there are the general baby behaviour characteristics, each of them is a completely unique individual. So stick to your guns and do what you think is right. Oh, and it really is bliss to speak to other mums with young babies – cause dads don’t and physically can’t really understand all the emotions you are going through. They do try to (bless them), but when you chat to other mummies it’s amazing when you discover that many times they feel exactly what you feel. And you’ll need that validation sometimes.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The sheer amount of responsibility that comes with being a mum. You now have to be a role model, a proper adult, and you are on duty 24/7. When your childless friends go to a Stone Roses gig so can you – only, you best not attend the after party, as coming home at 4am does really not work when you need to look after a sprightful baby from 12pm. Trust me. 

And if you thought you had little time before, you’ll be kicking yourself now. Tiredness is hard too – it makes you a lesser, more grey version of the original you, and sometimes it makes you look more negatively on life that you normally would.

The best parts of being a mother: Being able to say ‘that’s my daughter’. I am so proud of her and absolutely adore my little girl. And I will move heaven and earth to make sure that she will have everything she needs in her life. When Nova giggles and stretches her little arms out to me it makes it all worth it and I’d do it all over again a thousand times.


Has becoming a mother changed you?: It has changed everything. And I mean everything. I don’t feel, act or think like the Elisa I was before. Nova comes first now and I have adapted. Sometimes it makes me feel a lot more boring and less spontaneous, but for the most of it I utterly enjoy being Nova’s mummy. All the little things she does every day bring so much joy to me and even though it is hard work at times, once you are a mum you couldn’t imagine your life without them. What I didn’t expect or think about is having to get to know your close ones all over again – your parents and his parents as grandparents, your partner as a dad (or mum). It took some readjusting, but now, 10 months down the line I think we’ve figured it all out.

Hopes for your family: I just want us to be happy. I don’t expect and wouldn’t want perfection, but I’d like Nova to have a secure and happy childhood and watch her grow into a fabulous lady. And I want us all to stick together through thick and thin, for better and for worse. Cause it’ll be worth it!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Try your best to enjoy every moment you have with your little ones. A friend of mine recently posted this poem, and even though it’s incredibly cheesy it makes a really beautiful point:

“I won’t always cry, mummy, when you leave the room,
and my supermarket tantrums will end too soon.
I won’t always wake, daddy, for cuddles through the night,
& one day you will miss having a chocolate face to wipe.
You won’t always wake to find my foot is kicking you out of bed,or find me sideways on your pillow where you want to lay your head.
You won’t always have to carry me in asleep from the car
or piggyback me down the road when my little legs can’t walk that far.
So cherish every cuddle, remember them all,because one day, mummy, one day I won’t be this small.”

Louisa, Amelia and Lottie

Name: Louisa 

Children: Amelia, 2 yrs 7mths, Lottie, 5 mths 

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of motherhood: I was ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant in the first month of trying and couldn’t wait to start the next phase of my life. I used to count down the weeks and days to my due date and was so excited to meet the baby that was growing inside of me. 

My husband and I both have close relationships with our families and I looked forward to us creating that same very special family bond with our own children. 

Reality of motherhood: We didn’t actually have any close friends with children that we saw on a regular basis and in hindsight I think I was a little naïve about how difficult it would be in those early weeks. I was very well prepared in the practical sense (I had researched and bought pretty much every baby gadget going), but quite unprepared for the reality of motherhood. I found the first few months exhausting and quite stressful. I had struggled with breastfeeding Amelia and was made to feel terrible about this by a number of midwives and health visitors. This feeling of failure, that I was unable to do what is regarded as best for my baby stayed with me for a number of months, and I think contributed to other feelings of inadequacy as a mother and my continual questioning of myself and the choices I was making for my baby. 

However, my confidence grew as I began to see my daughter growing into this amazing, gorgeous, funny and unbelievably caring and loving toddler, and those thoughts from the early months are now forgotten.

When Lottie was born 5 months ago she just seemed to slot perfectly into our family and has already brought so much happiness to us all. I am loving my maternity leave and the time I am getting to spend with both of my children.

Taking your children home for the first time: Amelia was born 3 and a half weeks early and had jaundice so we were in hospital for 5 days after the birth. I was desperate to get home, having barely slept in hospital - I was too scared to sleep at night in case something happened to her whilst my husband wasn’t there and during the day the constant stream of midwives, doctors and visitors left little time for sleep. 

My mother and father-in-law were at our house when we arrived home. They had filled the house with flowers, not to mention the new bed linen and pyjamas they had bought for me and the drawer full of premature babygrows for Amelia, who weighed only 5lb 5oz. They cooked dinner for us and we ate it watching X Factor whilst Amelia slept in her Moses basket. I remember feeling so happy and relieved to be home.

That contented feeling did not last long however, as come midnight all the milk I had expressed had gone and I was really struggling with feeding. Thank goodness for formula and the 24 hour Tesco!

Bringing Lottie home was a different experience all together. She was a bigger baby, was feeding well and I felt a lot more confident about looking after her. My main concern was how Amelia would react to her baby sister. It was a truly magical moment when she arrived back from nursery, peered into the Moses basket, then looked at us with astonishment in her big brown eyes and just said ‘baby’.

Best advice: I speak to my own mum every day and she has given me lots of wonderful advice since I became a mum myself. 

Two pieces which stick in my mind are; don’t ‘google’ every minor ailment you think your baby may have. It will only fill your mind with horror stories and lead to endless, unnecessary worrying; and every phase in a child’s development is just that and won’t last for long (although I think even she was beginning to doubt this with Amelia who was a horrendous sleeper until she was 18 months old). This goes for the good things too. Try to take time every day to appreciate all the wonderful things your child does - be it their first smiles, laughs, gurgles or the hilarious phases and comments they come out with as they are learning to talk. All too soon they will be on to the next phase of development and you will never have that time back again.

Worst advice: Anything in Gina Ford’s contented baby book! I know her routines work extremely well for some mothers and babies, but I found it impossible to get Amelia to follow anything close to what she was suggesting and this added to my anxieties. Why had she woken up 45 minutes before she was supposed to? Why did she seem hungry after 2 hours rather than 3? What was I doing wrong?????

With Lottie I haven’t opened a single baby book and have let myself be guided by her. As a result I would say she is a far more contented baby because she sleeps when she is tired, is never hungry and most importantly doesn’t have a stressed and anxious mummy! 

Hardest parts of being a mother: I’d heard people talk about motherhood being tiring, but the exhaustion I felt with my first child was something I had never experienced before. She would regularly wake for 3 hours during the night and this didn’t really settle down until she was 18 months old (by which time I was pregnant with Lottie and feeling tired from that). I have basically been tired for about 3 years now! Fortunately, Lottie is a much better sleeper than Amelia was and I think my body has also become accustomed to functioning on less sleep.

The most difficult thing however, is adapting to how my relationship with my husband has changed. Pre-children, we both had careers which involved working long hours or being away from home, so it wasn’t unusual to spend time apart during the week. However, we always had weekends and holidays to get that time back and just focus on what we wanted to do, which normally involved nights out in nice restaurants and bars, safe in the knowledge that we could lie in till whatever time we wanted! Now, every day between the hours of 7am, when we are woken by Amelia shouting for mummy or daddy, to 7.30pm, when if we are lucky both children will go to sleep, they are our main focus. My husband plays football twice a week and I have recently started going to the gym a couple of times a week, so there aren’t that many evenings when we are at home together. When we are we are often knackered and just collapse on the sofa in front of the TV.

I am confident that once Lottie is a little older and we are able to leave the children with their grandparents, we will start to get some of our old life together back, but until then it does feel like a sacrifice.

Best parts of being a mother: It’s got to be the cuddles! Amelia is such a loving child and is forever throwing her arms around you to give a big heart felt hug. I also love watching my two girls starting to forge their own relationships with each other. Lottie will lie and watch Amelia for ages with a big gummy smile on her face. The other day she was on her play mat and completely unprompted Amelia bent down to cuddle her and said ‘Lottie, I love you so much’- Moments like that are truly amazing. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? It’s difficult for me to answer that. It has certainly changed me for now, but whether the old me will reappear when the children are older - I don’t know.

I have a lot less time to think about and focus on myself these days. I used to spend hours planning an outfit and getting ready for a night out and now it’s more like 10 minutes to throw on whatever I can find in my wardrobe and a bit of make up!

Becoming a mother has also had a massive impact on my career. My job was very demanding, it was fast paced with tight deadlines and often involved travelling away from home during the week, which is no longer possible with 2 small children. I am still working through how this will work once my maternity leave is finished and am hopeful of finding the right balance between a job that I find interesting and challenging and being there to care for and support my children.

Hopes for your family: It sounds like a cliché but I want the children to be happy in whatever they decide to do and without worries for as long as possible. I’d like us to provide them with as many amazing experiences and opportunities as we can, and for us to laugh together every day.

I hope the children become good friends and will be there to love and support each other.

I know there will be different challenges as they get older, but I hope that as they are able to do more for themselves, parenting will become less exhausting and one day they might let us have a lie in, or even bring us breakfast in bed! 

Advice you would offer new/expectant mums: Make sure you get out of the house every day. Even on days when you feel absolutely exhausted a half hour walk round the park can provide you with a boost of much needed energy. I’d also recommend joining different baby groups and classes. Not only can they help with the bond between you and your baby, but surrounding yourself with other new mums can provide invaluable support. When it’s 2am and you’ve fed, changed, winded and comforted your baby and they still won’t go back to sleep it’s comforting to know you are not the only person going through this!

Gemma and Joel

Name: Gemma

Child: Joel, 14 months

Location: Sale

Expectations of motherhood: I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but I didn’t think we’d have a family until we were in our 30s. I was only 25 when we got married and although we planned to have a baby we also had big plans to travel the world. Then a few years ago I got diagnosed with endometriosis, I was quite poorly and was told that I might find it difficult to get pregnant. Suddenly my priorities changed and it seemed like the most important thing in the world. We talked a lot about it and decided that it was better to start trying earlier. 

It took us a while to get pregnant, but not as long as a lot of people and I’m now really grateful for that. However, at the time it felt like we were the only people in the world who didn’t just have to think fertile thoughts to make a baby. After a few months it became an obsession, I read every book and took every fertility test and it felt like it was all I could think of or talk about. I was scared it was never going to happen for us and felt so guilty that there might be something wrong with me. After more than a year, we arranged to see a fertility doctor and the day I got my appointment I found out I was pregnant. It was such an amazing feeling; I remember just saying those words over and over in my head ‘I’m pregnant’ just to see what it felt like. I loved how it sounded and felt such relief that we were going to get what we so desperately wanted. 

During pregnancy, if I thought about motherhood I imagined myself as a complete natural who would be back in her skinny jeans within a week, would breast feed like a goddess and would raise healthy brilliant children all whilst whipping up a spectacular batch of cupcakes and keeping an immaculate house. On other days I thought I would be a disaster who would raise delinquent children and never wear mascara again, but thankfully I think the reality is likely to be somewhere in between.

I was nervous when I was pregnant as I felt quite out of control, obviously I could control everything that I did and what went into my body, but I was terrified the baby would just stop growing or that I had wanted a baby so badly it was a phantom pregnancy. Because of this I don’t think I gave too much thought to what it would be like when he got here, I naively thought that conception and pregnancy were the difficult bits! 

Reality of motherhood: I was very lucky as I had a straight forward and quick labour. I had been very positive about it and didn’t feel scared as I just wanted him here and really thought as soon as he was, everything would be fine. I had imagined that I would have a relaxing, dignified water birth and they would pass me my beautiful child and all would be well. In reality, even the most straight forward labour is completely undignified. When I first saw him I was a bit stunned and I couldn’t hold him because I was horrified at the amount of blood and just kept asking, 'Is that normal? Is everything ok?' 

When I calmed down we had skin to skin contact and he fed straight away, it was pretty magical and I knew instantly that I would do everything in my power to be the best mother in the world. Unfortunately, the panic then came back as dozens of nurses and doctors all came in to take a good look at me. I had to go to theatre due to some complications and this burst that magical little bubble. It was rotten to be whisked away, but I was back with him within a couple of hours and we were both fine. 

When I got taken up to the ward the midwife made me a cup of tea and gave me a biscuit and I sat in bed and watched him sleep. It really was as wonderful as I’d expected and I felt enormous calm. Everyone had said I wouldn’t sleep in hospital, but after staring at him for a while I slept really well. I heard other babies crying and thought perhaps I’d got a really good one because he slept all the way though. I’m really glad I slept that night because for the next four months Joel did not sleep for more than an hour at a time!

To say Joel was a bad sleeper is the biggest underestimation ever. We became obsessed with sleep, I know every new parent says the same, and everyone will warn you about it, but nothing can prepare you for it. Someone once said to me that once you have a child, sleep is never very far from your mind, and this was so true for us. I used to meet up with friends and we would compare how much sleep we had the night before, the standard greeting became, ‘How was your night?’ At the time I genuinely believed I was the most tired person in the world and if someone told me their baby had slept for more than an hour I would be sick with envy. I breastfed Joel, and from what I know of mothers who haven’t, lack of sleep is the biggest downside. I thought there must be something wrong with him as he fed all the time, and for ages. I would sit up at night feeding him looking at articles on the internet about breast feeding and wondering what was normal. I realise now he was fairly normal for a breastfed baby, but I just was not prepared for it.

I think the reality of motherhood is quite different to looking after a newborn baby. Motherhood is terrifying, exciting, difficult, rewarding, exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time. But that first 6 weeks is like a boot camp before you can start getting to the really good bits. In the beginning, just getting out of the house is a small miracle. Our first proper trip out was when Joel was 5 days old, we went for lunch and I sat in a café whilst Steven was at the counter and just cried. It suddenly felt overwhelming to be out of the house with our baby. He looked so tiny and it seemed wrong that he should be anywhere near the real world. I was also equally terrified that he would wake up and I would have to feed him (god forbid anyone might see my nipple!) or he would cry and I wouldn’t know what to do and I would be found out as the incompetent mother that I obviously was. 



I was struggling to keep it together and a lady came over and asked if I was okay, she assured me, 'It gets better,' and said I was very brave for being out of the house with a 5 day old baby. It’s funny because at the time I thought it was weird to say I was brave, but now I see people out with tiny babies and I understand what she meant. At the time I thought I should be out and about, getting back to reality and showing the world what a competent parent I was. If I have another baby I fully intend to stay in my pjs for a month and demand everyone else comes and makes me tea. 

During the first couple of months when everything felt like a battle and I doubted myself and my instincts on an hourly basis, my husband and I would ask ourselves each night, ‘What went right today?’ Some days the best I could come up with was, ‘he’s still alive’. In hindsight, there’s not much that can beat keeping a small child alive.

After that first few weeks of feed, change, sleep, feed, change, sleep, panic, feed, cry, feed etc etc. Something clicked. I’m not saying I was suddenly the wonderful earth mother I fantasised about, but somehow it wasn’t all so terrifying. I could get out of the house in under an hour, I was a dab hand at feeding without exposing myself, and I could make, butter and eat a piece of toast one handed. I began to relax and actually enjoy this little bundle that I had been given. There was a momentous evening where we put Joel to sleep upstairs whilst we stayed downstairs and had tea and watched TV. I felt like we had really achieved something! It was a far cry from the early days where I would fall sleep without any dinner.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was so excited to get out of the hospital and take Joel home. After Joel had passed all his tests, I had eaten some fairly grotty fish and chips, had the best shower of my life and had been visited by Graham (the very handsome anaesthetist), we were given the green light. I bundled all my things into a bag, put Joel in his snow suit which drowned him and we got him into his car seat. As we walked him down the stairs and to the car I could not stop grinning. I felt like we were doing something naughty and half expected a mid-wife to come and say, ‘Sorry, we made a mistake, of course you can’t keep him; he’s too perfect’. But we must have slipped through the net because we got him to the car and buckled him in, this was all spoiled by a crazy lady in the carpark who kept asking us for money, but we shook her off and Steven drove us home. I don’t remember if we talked, I sat in the back with Joel and we listened to Noel Gallagher’s high flying birds. I remember thinking it was a shame that the first bit of the outside world Joel got to see was an industrial estate in Wythenshawe. When we got home we put his car seat down in the middle of the lounge and both just looked at him. He was asleep and neither of us knew what to do.

One thing that really sticks in my mind about the first few weeks was how insignificant everything else seemed. I remember watching TV and getting cross - they were making jokes and it all seemed so frivolous. It’s ridiculous but I just thought, ‘I’ve just had a baby, do you not know how significant that is?’ and I couldn’t think about anything else or anyone. If a friend talked to me about work, or a problem, I couldn’t concentrate and kept thinking, ‘this is nothing compared to having a baby, look at that baby! How can you care about anything else’? Of course, thankfully, this wore off and I am now able to hold a relatively normal, non-baby related conversation. 



Best advice/worst advice: The day after Joel was born and we were still in hospital I asked the midwife for help breastfeeding, she manhandled him and me to get him latched on, it was unpleasant and I felt like I wasn’t part of it whilst she grabbed my breast and shoved it into his mouth. Eventually he was feeding and as I relaxed into it I instinctively stroked his hair. She batted my hand away and told me not to do that as he would ‘enjoy it’. I immediately stopped and felt so silly that I had got this basic thing wrong. Looking back I should have slapped her. He is my baby and how dare she criticise me for touching him. Once I was home and got some perspective I could see that she was wrong to have said this and thankfully breast feeding went well for us, I went back to stroking his hair when feeding and still do it when I give him his bottle now. Who knows, maybe it’ll ruin him for life but it’s nice for the time being!

The best piece of advice was from a friend who already had two children when Joel was born. She told us to do whatever was necessary for us all to get some sleep. This did mean feeding him to sleep when he was tiny, giving him a dummy, letting him sleep in our bed and at about 10 months doing controlled crying. All big no no’s according to some people. I don’t think it matters, he now sleeps in his own bed every night, doesn’t need a feed to fall asleep and I seriously miss the days where I could bring him in bed with us in the morning for half an hour’s extra sleep! I’m sure there’s a cut off or maybe we’ve just been lucky (or thanks to controlled crying), but I think that as with most things, if you listen to your child and follow their cues, they will get in the end. 


Hardest parts of being a mother: The worry and anxiety, every minute of every day. I have terrible visions of Joel choking, stopping breathing, getting kidnapped, contracting a horrible disease, getting hit by a car etc etc. I lie in bed at night and will suddenly be overcome with terror that he’s stopped breathing and I’ll have to go in and check on him. I don’t know whether I’m more or less anxious than other parents, but the constant thought that something awful might happen to him is exhausting.

My emotions are now more powerful than ever and I react to things in unpredictable ways. When Joel started crawling I turned up at a friend’s house in tears because I felt unprepared. I’d spent that morning trying to get ready with him mobile and I felt I was going to unravel. I suddenly realised I couldn’t just leave him because he could move and so the logistics of getting a shower and getting dressed foiled me. I came up with the brilliant plan of shutting the bedroom door with him in the bedroom whilst I ran to the toilet. Inevitably he crawled over to the door and sat behind it so that when I tried to get back in I had to edge the door carefully so as not to knock him over. In hindsight, leaving a baby behind a closed door is stupid for many reasons and I felt like an idiot for not realising that at the time. The reason I was crying when I got to my friend’s house was not because I nearly hit my small child with a door, but because I felt guilty for being annoyed that his crawling made my life harder. I felt awful that instead of celebrating this milestone I felt resentful.

Although I have had amazing support from some of my friends and my sister, I often feel like I don’t have a role model and that I’m making it up as I go along. I don’t have a very good relationship with my mum and although I have some very happy memories of childhood and there were some things she did very well, she’s not able to be there for me now and when other mums talk about their mums coming over and ironing/cooking/babysitting/listening/giving advice I feel a bit sad. 

Best parts of being a mother: It’s lots of fun. Before he arrived, when I thought about being a mum I imagined this tiny person who was completely reliant on me and how that would completely change my life. What I never bargained for was how much I would enjoy hanging out with him. He is brilliant and he’s only 14 months old. I love seeing the world through his eyes and realising that there is so much that is exciting and beautiful out there. Experiencing all of his firsts is a privilege and I’m documenting them like I’m the first person to ever have a child – first foods, first time at the beach, first shoes, first tooth, first car journey, first steps, first easter egg, first day at nursery. It’s never-ending and brilliant. I love how he’s so enthusiastic about things, tonight he laughed with excitement and flapped his arms up and down because I presented him with a satsuma. It’s infectious and we both sat there giggling whilst we shared a satsuma. 

I loved being on maternity leave, that’s not to say that looking after Joel full time was easy because at times I was a wreck with how hard it was. But I pledged to make the most of my year off and do as much stuff as I could with Joel and I feel I did that. We were out and about every day, I took him to lots of groups, and we always had plans. If we’re at a loose end we’ll go to a café and share a tea cake and I’ll read him a book. I never realised that having a baby meant I would have constant company and would never be bored, I am so in love with my little family. Sometimes Joel will do something funny or new and Steven and I will just look at each other and smile, I’ll say ‘he’s ace isn’t he?’ and we’ll both feel very smug that somehow the pair of us managed to create this perfect little person.

Hopes for your family: I hope that Joel will always know he is wanted and loved. I hope that he continues to be the happy and funny, sociable child that he is, and that we continue to cram as much fun stuff into our free time as we can. I hope we’re able to move in the next year or so to a bigger house where he can run around in the garden and have a play room, and that we will fill the spare room with another baby who will be excellent company for Joel (I secretly fantasise about what good friends they will be and that they and their partners, and then children will always want to come to our house for Christmas).

In the longer term, I hope that we will be able to teach Joel enough about the world that he will go out on his own and have some amazing adventures. I hope that he grows into the kind of young man who gives up his seat on the bus, instead of the kind who smashes up bus stops. I hope that he finds someone wonderful to love who loves him back, and that he finds something to do for work that he is good at and enjoys. I hope he is the kind of man who calls his mum once in a while.

Advice for new and expectant parents: This is not so much advice, but an observation/warning. Becoming a parent changed my relationships… all of them! Some for the better, and some not so much. I have been amazed at the support of some friends. Of course the very fact that I was off work with a baby meant I spent time with people who were also off with their babies and in doing so I have made some amazing friends that I don’t think I would have got through this year without. But parallel to this, some friends have not been as supportive or enthusiastic as I needed, and that has been hard to accept. Probably most profoundly, it has changed my relationship with my husband. I didn’t think I could love Steven much more, but when I hear him laughing with Joel, or reading him his bed time story, it’s super cheesy but my heart just swells fit to burst and I cannot help but smile.


Advice - If someone offers you help, take it, get your visitors to make the tea and don’t let anyone in who doesn’t come bearing cake. Going back to work after maternity leave won’t break your heart (even if it might feel like it at the time), don’t leave a small child unattended with a toilet roll and boxes/wooden spoons/anything dangerous are much more exciting that the most expensive, top of the range educational toy.

Relax! I think I was too hard on myself with a lot of things, I cried over giving Joel a dummy because I thought it made me a failure. In reality it stopped him crying which gave us all a bit of peace and quiet, how can that be a bad thing? As long as he doesn’t have it when he’s off to university I think he’ll be okay. I wish I had really believed the advice that you can’t spoil a baby. I remember worrying in the first few days whether it was okay to hold him all the time, if I could go back I probably would have never put him down.

Everyone will have their advice (she says typing advice) some of it will work for you, some of it won’t. That doesn’t make you or them a better parent. We’re all doing the best we know how to do, and no one can be perfect all of the time. Mums can judge one another, I think we’re all guilty of it and some opinions are more acceptable to have than others and some mums have louder voices than others. If you surround yourself with people who support you, encourage you and who you can be honest with, you won’t go far wrong. 

Oh, and buy a hand held hoover.


Gemma chose to have her photos taken at the Bean and Brush, Sale because it has provided a baby and mum friendly haven for her since she's had Joel.