Ellie, Lucas, Aurora and Jake

Name: Ellie 

Children: Lucas, 4,  Aurora, 2, Jake, 2 - they are twins 

Location: Stockport

Expectations of Motherhood: Before I had Lucas, I planned to return to work after 6 months. I had a promising career in PR and communications and I didn't want to lose everything I'd worked hard for. I thought maternity leave would be so much fun - meeting new mum friends for coffee while my newborn slept peacefully in a pram. I anticipated I'd have time for hobbies, such as knitting and reading. I think my whole expectation of parenthood was based on films and TV programmes. 

Reality of Motherhood: It was like someone took the pieces of my life and threw them into the air - when they landed, my life was unrecognisable. 

When Lucas was born, I struggled to bond with him and by the time I had, I knew I wouldn't be ready to return to work as soon as I had planned. However, my post was made redundant when Lucas was 5 months old and after lots of discussion with my husband, I decided to put my career on hold and stay at home with our son. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made. 

Taking your children home for the first time: When we took Lucas home, I kept looking behind us, sure that a midwife would come and rescue him from his clueless parents. I couldn't believe we were allowed to walk out of hospital with him! At home, we all sat and stared at him sleeping in his Moses basket (first and last time). We had no idea what we should have been doing.

Our twins were born at home in a planned water birth, so there was no 'taking home'. It was still very surreal, but I loved being at home. We put Lucas to bed, ate pizza and drank champagne.

The best/worst advice: My dad once told me that his best parenting advice was 'fake it til you make it'. I was flabbergasted - he usually seemed to have it all together raising me as a single parent, but he was faking it! I always come back to that advice, and I think he was encouraging me to trust my instincts. 

I've had lots of poor advice, but the one thing I'm still cross about is the suggestion to buy a top and tail bowl. I cannot think of a more useless object to purchase.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The relentlessness. We have 3 children under 5; there is no break. We are always rushing, always on a knife-edge, and it is very difficult. For a long time I struggled with my new identity as a stay-at-home-parent. I now run 3 businesses and do some volunteer work, and this has helped me to feel like me again. Parenting is such a thankless job, isn't it?

The best parts of being a mother: My children. I sometimes sneak a glance at them and I cannot believe they are ours. They are little miracles, and watching them grow up is a magnificent gift. I feel incredibly lucky that we are happy, healthy, and financially secure. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? My priorities have changed. My family will always come first, and after being out of the workplace for 5 years, I cannot imagine returning. My previous job would have been hard to balance with a young family, and the truth is I like being there for school runs, school events, and playgroups. Some of my pre-children friends have found this hard to understand - I would have too before having my son. At the social enterprise that I run, we want to help parents to develop their skills and experience while raising young families, without sacrificing time with their children.

Hopes for your family: I hope they are, and continue to be, happy. I hope they always know how much we love them; how hard we try, even when we don't get it right. I hope they will come to us when they are struggling, and that we will be a safe space for them.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Talk about how you feel. You might think you're the only one feeling overwhelmed, but you aren't! We need to talk about how hard the transition to parent can be - it is life-changing in the truest sense of the phrase. 

Java and Gryffin

Name: Java

Child: Gryffin, 11 months

Location: Old Trafford

Expectations of Motherhood: As soon as people found out I was pregnant they would exclaim, 'You will never sleep again!'. So this was my main expectation. 

I felt like I was preparing myself for a tornado, but somehow, nothing can ever quite prepare you for the sheer and utter madness of the first few months. I was also very scared that my child wouldn't like me and vice versa. In a very hormonal, overdue state I googled which star sign my baby was likely to be. He would most likely be an Aries. I then googled 'famous Aries' and one of the first results was Adolf Hitler. I think I must have been quite emotionally charged at the time, as this felt like an ominous sign so I poured myself a shower and sobbed for an hour. 

I have a very close relationship with my own mother but we have had quite dramatic ups and downs so this possibly contributed to my fear of parenthood. I also found it hard to believe that we would ever have a healthy child as we had a late stage termination with our first baby in 2014. She was a little girl and we named her Alma. She had an interrupted aortic arch in her heart and was diagnosed with DiGeorge syndrome. We chose to end her life at 24 weeks and gave birth to her tiny body at St Mary's hospital. The idea of having a healthy child seemed impossible at times. Overall, I felt fearful.

Reality of Motherhood: I was correct. I have barely slept more than two hours at a time in 11 months. But what I wasn't prepared for was the overwhelming love and joy I feel hanging out with this hilarious human that has appeared in our life. I couldn't ever have imagined how deeply I would love him. It hurts my heart when I look at him inspecting his peas on his plate and babbling earnestly about something or other and pointing out the buttons on my shirt. I have chosen not to return to work (a combination of childcare costs and feeling ready to move on from my previous work), so being a full time stay at home mum means that I am at the 24 hour mercy of another person's whims and desires. The days often feel long and repetitive and occasionally I feel deeply bored, but there is also much delight in the small moments. Moments when Gryff tries a new food, or learns how to open a drawer or decides that being chased is the most hilarious thing to ever happen to him. These moments stop me in my tracks and remind me how lucky I am to witness them. And the laundry. No-one can prepare you for the laundry, especially if you use reusable nappies. 

Taking your child home for the first time: We had Gryffin at home as we had hoped. He was born at the bottom of our bed in the midday sunlight. Unfortunately I had bad tearing so an ambulance took us to the hospital shortly after and we had to stay there for six hours while I was sewn up and the midwives helped me latch Gryffin onto my breast. 

When we returned home I was nervous to be left alone with him. I hadn't yet felt the surge of love that so many mothers describe, I was nervous of him and felt awkward around this person I didn't know. I was confused as to why he couldn't simply 'be'. He was either asleep or awake and crying or trying to feed but failing. We would sing to him, rock him and dance with him but the only thing that could calm him was 'All Night Long' by Lionel Richie and it still works eleven months later. 

Three days after he was born I was sat staring at him in bed and suddenly realised that one day he would leave home and I started crying uncontrollably. I think the love hormones had finally started to kick in.

The best advice: The best advice I have received and keep on coming back to in moments of doubt is to find your own way as a mother. I am highly skilled at comparing myself to others and endlessly worry that other mothers are far more attentive/fun/creative/careful etc etc etc. But it is so true that you just need to do what you need to do to get through the hard times and try and retain a smidge of your sanity and keep your baby safe. There are as many ways to mother as there are mothers and children. 

Also, to visit a cranial osteopath. Gryffin cried endlessly for the first six weeks until we took him to see a cranial osteopath and after six sessions he was a different baby. It's easy to forget that the birth process can also be a traumatic experience for the baby and they can experience injuries. I'm not entirely sure what the osteopath did, but it worked. Gryffin has been so much happier since. 

The worst advice: The old 'You're creating a rod for your own back' adage. I understand it but I don't necessarily agree with the principle. I co-sleep with Gryffin and feed on demand. We never decided that we would 'follow' attachment parenting, I only found out that it was a style of parenting once I was doing it. It's not right for everybody but it works for us. If your instinct is leading you somewhere with your baby, it's most likely that you know best.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The lack of sleep has been (and still is) very hard. It affects your mental health, your tolerance levels, your ability to be patient..all the things that are pretty necessary to be a warm and loving mother! I find it extraordinary how many times I have truly believed that I cannot give another ounce of my being and then somehow...carried on. 

And knowing that Gryffin will be hurt is deeply upsetting. I try not to think about the heartache he will go through once he starts to understand the world in a more sophisticated way. The current political situation is weighing heavily on my mind for his future.

The best parts of being a mother: The warm, cosy, deep bond Gryff and I have. Today it took me an hour to get him down for a nap and I felt like I was losing my mind, but then he slept next to me for a while and when he woke up he was soft and rumpled and delighted to see me. He lay back on my legs and babbled about something very important in the dim light of the bedroom. My heart was brimming over and I felt so lucky.

Also, after giving birth my body simultaneously felt like it belonged to a seventy year old who had been in a car crash and the body of a warrior/super hero/feral beast. It was pretty incredible to know I had grown a human and pushed him out, I felt so invincible that I then ate some of my placenta raw in a smoothie. It felt fitting after having done something so powerful. Whenever I feel nervous or anxious I try and remind myself that I can be incredibly strong and the birth is a perfect reminder.

Has becoming a mother changed you? I feel that the world sees me in a different way. To some people I am invisible as a body behind a pram, and to others I am now a valid member of society because I have started my own family. I find this disconcerting.

I am still struggling with my shift in identity, figuring out which parts of me remain now that I no longer do the job I used to do, socialise in the way I once did or wear the clothes I have packed away for a distant day in the future. What of me remains, who am I now? I spend my days hanging out with a soon to be toddler playing with bricks and the sock drawer. In the evenings I go to bed at 7pm with Gryffin (because he won't sleep without me and I can't bare to let him cry) and watch tv on the iPad. Who does that make me? 

Hopes for your family: I hope that we can offer Gryffin a firm enough foundation to allow him to grow with confidence and security. I would like him to feel safe within his family and to understand the importance of generosity, kindness and celebration. We would like to have another child so that he can have a sibling for him to moan to about us when we are old farts.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Embrace it, embrace the pregnancy, embrace the early days and surrender to them. I felt pressured to get back to 'normal' and cook meals, hoover and run errands while Gryffin was tiny despite it feeling impossible. I wish I hadn't put that pressure on myself. It is a precious time and I'm only just starting to realise that it's one of the fundamentals of being alive. Not the only one, there are many, but it is certainly a very joyous and beautiful one.

Other info:
We had a termination when our first baby was 24 weeks in the womb. Making that decision broke my heart and affected me profoundly. Even though our baby wasn't alive I had become a mother, so when friends around us started having babies I felt a lot of bitterness and jealousy that they were recognised as mothers because they had a baby in their arms. We named her Alma. We buried her ashes on my favourite hill in Glossop. Her brief visit taught me about love in a way I hadn't experienced before. Our son Gryffin was born exactly a year after her due date in March. I wrote about the abortion on my blog http://www.javabere.co.uk as I struggled to find anything online about people's experiences regarding late stage termination. I think there's still a lot of taboo surrounding it. The incredible thing is that once friends and family started to find out what had happened, so many got in touch and shared their stories. Being honest about the painful stuff can be incredibly powerful.

Lynsey and Martha

Name: Lynsey

Child: Martha, 2.5 yrs

Location: Didsbury, Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I've always known that I've wanted children when the right person came along. I also expected to get pregnant straight away which wasn't the case. After suffering an ectopic pregnancy I thought I'd never become a mother, then Martha came along! I had a lovely childhood, it couldn't have been better; so many great memories. I wanted my child to have the same.

Reality of motherhood: I was lucky enough to not get morning sickness at all, although I did have low iron which made pregnancy difficult at times. 

I didn't have a straight forward birth, however and was in labour for just over 24 hours. I had forceps and had to have a blood transfusion too. I also had to go into theatre after Martha was born to have my placenta removed. I was beyond tired and didn't feel all these wonderful amazing feelings I was told I'd feel. 

Of course I loved Martha instantly; I loved her before I'd even met her! After the birth all I can remember is wanting to sleep and being shocked by the size of her (9lbs 4).

She had the cutest little ears and button nose, but I remember her lying next to me and looking at her and feeling so terrified that this gorgeous little girl was my responsibility. She was no longer in my belly and I felt scared that I'd never be able to protect her as much as I'd like to.

Taking your child home for the first time: Everything seemed such a blur. I was so proud when Paul came to pick us up from the hospital to take us home. Walking out with Martha was the proudest moment ever. I remember she wouldn't settle in her Moses basket so she slept in her car seat. She also slept on my chest a lot, which I know is not "the right thing to do" but it worked for us - and if Martha was happy then so was I!

Best/ worst advice: The best advice I was given was to do what felt right to me and that no one should tell you what to do with your baby. The same goes with pain relief during labour. I didn't have a birth plan, I just did what I felt I had to do when the time came. 

The worst advice for me personally was not to pick your child up every time they cry and not to rock them to sleep. Everyone has different views, but I didn't believe in the "let them cry it out" theory. All babies are different and I don't believe in things being done by the book. It's natural that babies want to feel love and be close to their mothers. I rocked Martha to sleep when she was a tiny baby and we've not had problems with her sleeping because of this. 

There is also a lot of pressure on women to breast feed. Not necessarily from the midwives, but society. I chose not to breast feed - not because I couldn't, I just chose not to.

Hardest part of being a mother: The worry! I've been worrying about Martha since the day I found out I was pregnant. When she was born I was constantly checking she was breathing. I still sometimes find myself doing that now! 

When Martha was 6 weeks old we found out from a scan that she had hip dysplasia and she would have to wear a Pavlik harness for 12 weeks. It was so hard not being able to see her kick her little legs or to see her tiny toes. The harness is used to readjust the hips so that they align in the joint and keep the hip joint secure. 

I really didn't want her to wear the harness and it broke my heart, but we knew it was the best thing for her. Now she is fine, so it was worth it. We were told it was more common in girls who are over 9lbs at birth.

I live away from my parents which is quite hard when having a young child and my partner works long hours, so sometimes when I need that little break for 5 minutes I know its just not going to happen.

Best part of being a mother: Hearing Martha call me mummy and the cuddles! Just spending time with her, seeing her happy and having fun. When I see her playing and wanting to follow other children and copy them it makes my heart melt. It's so cute I could cry. 

Martha is such a little comedian too. She makes us laugh, and the more we laugh the more she laughs! Her favourite food is ginger cake and she only drinks chamomile tea, which is funny.

I'm lucky enough to be a stay at home mum. I had the choice of going back to work or spending my time with my daughter. I know some people want to go back to work and that's their decision, but to stay at home with my little girl was the best thing for me and Martha. I didn't want to miss a thing and wanted taking care of my daughter to be my job.

Has becoming a mum changed you? In a way it has yes. I now have other priorities and have someone to worry about other than myself! I now prefer cosy nights in with my family to going out drinking!

Hopes for your family: As long as Martha is happy and healthy that is all I hope for. I will support her in whatever makes her happy!

Advice to new & expectant mums:Do what works for you! We don't really have a set routine with Martha. She goes to bed and gets up when she wants and she's the most chilled out child ever!