Claire, Reuben and Isaac

Name: Claire 

Children: Reuben (8) and Isaac (20m)

Location: Sale, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: Daunting, exciting, confusing. There’s quite a big gap between my boys so my expectations were quite different for each of them. First time around, I think I worried more about the ‘logistical’ side of getting a baby out of my belly and how this new addition would impact my life. Now when I look back, it was probably quite selfish. Second time around, I was still a little anxious, but more about the effect a sibling would have on my son, how the two of them would get on and how I could provide everything they needed. 

Reality of Motherhood: 24/7 contradictions. Motherhood really is a rollercoaster. You can laugh, cry, be overwhelmed with energy and feel absolutely shattered all in one day. Sometimes I feel like I’m kicking ass at this parenting lark, sometimes I’m surprised my kids have turned out ok (so far!). I’d love to give them everything they want at the click of a finger, but then I want them to have values and appreciate hard work. I deal with some pretty demanding clients, but none of them compare to how demanding children are. They are such unpredictable beings.

I’ll be honest, both of my labours were fairly straight forward (even with the pain), so my entry to motherhood, so to speak, was fairly smooth. What really shocked me, both times, was just how powerful sleep deprivation is. There were times when my body was in pain because of tiredness. The monotony of feeding for hours, changing nappies, wiping puke was tough, but it was the tiredness that got me.

Yet, in spite of it being so bewildering, it is bloody brilliant.

Taking your children home for the first time: I took Reuben home after one night in hospital and couldn't stop staring at him. I was quite overwhelmed with emotions and even shocked. I couldn't believe this little person was all mine and now I'd have to look after him and be responsible for his future…forever. With Isaac, I felt less overwhelmed by his presence but more nervous about how I’d love and treat my sons equally.   

The best/worst advice: Worst - sleep when baby sleeps. A bit of a cliche, but everyone knows how difficult it is to do. Best - do your pelvic floor exercises! In all seriousness, it is important to think about your health and wellness as much your babies’.

Photo taken by Reuben

The hardest parts of being a mother: Always questioning your decisions. No matter how confident I might be, there’s always a little voice asking if I’ve made the right decision when it comes to doing things for my children, even with the smallest of things. I want to push them to achieve their best, but I also want them to be free and enjoy their childhood. At the same time I want to protect them from the outside world and all of the terrible things happening, but I also want to make sure they are enlightened and aware of the challenges the world faces.

I’m extremely aware of just how much children learn from example, so there’s the additional pressure for me to speak and behave in a way that I’d want them to reflect. I don’t think I set a bad example, but I often wonder if I’m setting the best example. 

Knowing that I’m responsible for ensuring they become positive contributors to the world, is very scary. There’s no rehearsal, no chance to start again and I don’t want to ruin it for them.

The best parts of being a mother: Love. Love is an amazing feeling, but the love I have for my children is crazy. There isn’t a day goes by when my heart doesn’t smile because of them, even after the most stressful or emotional of days. My kids are bloody hilarious - at least I think they are. I love the fact we can all laugh together, even with the 7 year age gap of the kids! I genuinely feel so lucky to have the honour of being their mother. And even though I don’t tell him nearly enough, its made me love my husband more. He’s a great father and makes me a better mother. We have become a much stronger team now that we are parents.

Has becoming a mother changed you? I wouldn’t say its changed me, more like refined me. I have all of the same characteristics and personality traits I had pre-kids, but some have become more prominent since motherhood, whilst others have taken a step back. I don’t know how much of this transition has been intentional, but I’m definitely happy with the person I am because of becoming a mother.For the first few months of motherhood and maternity leave, I did feel like I’d lost my sense of self, probably because of the sleep deprivation! I felt like I was just an extension of my babies. But with time, once my confidence went back to normal, as did my sleeping patterns, I felt like ‘me’ again. In fact I felt like a better version of me, that didn’t really care what others thought.

I know my priorities have changed since becoming a mother. Not just superficial things like what I spend my money on, but how I spend my time and energy and who’s opinions of me actually matter (I’ll give you a clue, not many).

Hopes for your family: That we work together as a unit to support each other to grow and achieve our goals. That we continue to laugh together. I want my children to have opportunities. Success is important, whatever that means, but I want them to be in a position whereby they have the confidence to pursue their dreams and aspirations and celebrate who they are as individuals. I hope they will become good people with good, positive friendships. Ultimately I want them to be happy.

Now that I’m a mother myself I’m so much more grateful to my own mother for the hard work and sacrifices she made for me and my siblings. She moved here from Ghana when she was just 18. She worked extremely hard to give us all a good education and showed us the importance of hard work and self-worth. I just hope I don’t let all of her dedication go to waste through my own approach to motherhood!

I want my children to be aware of just how blessed they are to have the lifestyles they have been given, thanks to the decisions my mother made back in the 70s.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Listen to what everyone has to say, but don’t necessarily do it! If you don’t agree with or admire someone’s parenting style, why would you copy what they do? Every child, parent and situation are different, so what works for one person wouldn't work for another. Your instinct will be good at telling you what’s right for your child and your circumstances. At the same time, I think its really important to establish your own ‘mum squad’. Whether they are from your NCT, antenatal group, Rhyme Time, it doesn’t matter. What matters is having like- minded people to share and air your troubles and concerns with. Nine times out of ten, they’ll totally understand. And if they don’t they’ll probably have cake (or Prosecco)! Oh and do your pelvic floor exercises.

Follow Claire on her blog mumsomnia.wordpress.com or on Twitter @aniteyec 

Jane, Sophie and Harry

Name: Jane Lee 

Children: Sophie, 2 and Harry, 9 months 

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: It was a fairly long journey to motherhood for me. I had longed for children since the latter half of my twenties and then, sadly, the long term relationship that I was in floundered. I had to wait to meet the right person to marry and have children with. This happened in my early thirties and we started trying for a baby straight away. However, we had to face a couple of miscarriages before successfully conceiving our daughter. Based on the strong bond that I had with my own wonderful mother, I expected motherhood to be the most amazing thing and couldn’t wait for the experience of getting to know my baby and all the fun things we would do and the love that I knew I would have for that much wanted child. Sophie’s second name is ‘Arabella’ which means ‘much prayed for’ - and she was.

Reality of Motherhood: The birth of my first daughter was a fairly traumatic experience resulting in an emergency C-Section in which I lost rather a lot of blood. The first couple of days of being in hospital were therefore spent in a slight haze of Morphine. 

I will never forget the first night that we were together and lying awake while she slept, just staring at her and loving her with such a powerful all encompassing love and feeling so intensely happy (I am sure that this was not just the morphine!). Those feelings have not gone away and are the cornerstone of how I feel about both of my children. 

The main reality of motherhood for me is that it is a dream come true. There is nothing more amazing for me than to watch my children develop and grow, and a single smile or moment of fun instantly makes up for the constant tiredness that has become a way of life for me now. The reality is ALSO that it is hard and it is relentless – waking in the night continuously to feed, change, comfort and then to spend the day feeding, changing, playing, stimulating, and cleaning up after the children. It is physically demanding and mentally draining – but it is ALL worth it.

Taking your children home for the first time: Having been in hospital for over a week with Sophie we felt fairly institutionalised by the end of our stay. It was very strange to see normal people walking along the street while we drove (very slowly) home with our new little bundle in the back. I felt like I should be shouting out of the window – ‘look I have had my baby – isn’t it amazing’. Getting home was a lovely time – we had family there and we put the baby in her carrycot and generally just enjoyed what felt like a massive achievement. The physical pain of having an emergency C-Section with each child marred the joy a bit and meant that we needed family to stay and help so we weren’t on our own for at least a couple of weeks in each case. I think that this eased us in gently and I am grateful for that. 

The best/worst advice: The best advice for me was to sleep while the baby sleeps and this is what I did. I have always been a cat napper, and the moment the baby went off I would curl on the sofa with my red blanket and sleep until crying woke me. These power naps really helped me to get through the day. Another amazing piece of advice was a friend who said, ‘Be kind to one another’ – parenthood can bring out such strong emotions in you, particularly if you are stubborn and opinionated, as are myself and my husband, so sometimes you have to take a step back and just be kind. 

I can’t think of any bad advice really – but each baby is different and you have to get to know what works for your baby and trust your own instincts as a mother.

The hardest parts of being a mother: For me the hardest part is dealing with the anxiety that I experience daily with regard to each of my children and the responsibility of them. 

I have always been a worrier but my levels of anxiety over the last two years have really peaked. My imagination runs riot with things that could happen and in hindsight I think that my traumatic birth experiences may have not helped this. The way that I am learning to deal with this is to take each day at a time and concentrate on the moment – and to enjoy the moment for what it is. 

Another difficult part has been accepting that I have to put my own life and aspirations on hold for the moment and concentrate on ‘growing and nurturing’ my children. I was made redundant whilst on maternity leave with Harry and whilst it is a relief not to have that particular job any more I have been placed in a dilemma, as the industry that I was in (law) does not generally practice child friendly hours and I am reluctant to go back to full time work whilst my children are so young. Because of this I have had to accept that, for now, I am a full time mum and am trying to learn that I don’t need to qualify this every time I am asked what I do by stating what I used to do as a job. It’s a humbling experience, but I am getting there!

The best parts of being a mother: Where do I start? The smiles, the laughter, the feeling that now we are a real family, the love that grows stronger every day. I love that I am starting to forge a relationship with my daughter and she tells me things and we laugh together. I love watching my husband being an amazing dad and the care and love that he showers on our children.

Has becoming a mother changed you? Absolutely. It has made me less selfish and much less inclined to care about what other people think of me as I simply don’t have the time for it. My children are my world now – not my job or myself. 

Hopes for your family: My hope is that my children will grow to be confident (unlike me who has always suffered with a lack of confidence) and will feel loved and supported throughout their lives. I hope that we will retain our sense of laughter and fun as a family and always love each other and be there for each other and have adventures together.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Join an NCT group – I have found such support and friendship in mine and wouldn’t be without it for the world. Also, try and take pleasure in all the little things that everyday brings – the smiles, the cuddles and the love. They far out way the general knackeredness and the state that your body gets into after having a child!