Jennie, Eleanor and Sam

Name: Jennie

Children: Eleanor, 11, and Sam, 8

Location: Chorlton, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I always wanted to be a mum, one day, but was always apprehensive about the job description and how much it would change my life. I'd wanted to become pregnant at 35, but when that time came I was having such a great time, and I was really unsure whether I should re-arrange everything. 

In the end, I became pregnant the first time that we tried. It was a real shock. I'd anticipated a year or two of getting used to the idea of having a baby soon, but suddenly it was really happening. I wasn't prepared at all psychologically and it all hit me quite hard. 

Reality of Motherhood: It's hard to put into words how much the experience has impacted on me, with the way I now see the world, and how I relate to other people. I still have an incredible life, but I'm no longer in the centre of it. This is actually a hell of a relief! It's great to get some respite from my own little world, and to have felt it widening out in ways I could never have predicted. Eleven years on, I wonder what I'd be doing if I'd decided not to have had kids. Without a shadow of a doubt, I now know we did the right thing- it's a huge adventure and most of it has been really enjoyable.

Taking your child home for the first time: Well, I wasn't able to do that, as I was very ill in hospital and missed a lot of her first three months. It all worked out in the end, but it was a shocking start to motherhood. 

I contracted a serious form of meningitis when I was eight months pregnant. I fell into a coma at home and totally missed my daughter's birth. Luckily my partner found me and realised I was very unwell. The medics were very unsure what was wrong and suspected I'd overdosed on illegal drugs. As I came out of the coma (eight days later) I experienced severe mental trauma: terrifying hallucinations and suffering paranoid delusions. This then morphed into life-threatening Post Natal Depression. I made it out the other side (thanks to incredible support) but it wasn't the start I expected! 

That three month period was utterly life-changing on every level. We were extremely lucky to survive without horrific physical side-effects, and not a day goes past when remind myself how incredibly lucky we are to be able to live a very full and independent life. The NHS absolutely surpassed itself and I'll be forever grateful to all those clever and caring people who chose those careers and brought us through it all. My own parents gave up a big chunk of their life to look after me and had endless patience during my re-hab. They made a massive impact on the speed of my recovery.

The best/worst advice: Tricky one! The best advice has probably come from Supernanny! Her calm and clear approach, with everyone taking time out when needed, really helped me (and still does). The worst advice has to be anything from Gina Ford. Looking back, her unfeeling approach doesn't make me feel at all comfortable and never worked out well for us. If you come to motherhood with little experience of babies, as I did, I think it's very natural to scrabble around for a manual. A friend said you end up "finding a book that suits your child"- I think there's enormous wisdom in this insight!

The hardest parts of being a mother: Accepting that my kids sometimes want to do things very differently to how I think they should be done. I'm not sure if I'll ever reach this nirvana, though!

My partner works abroad a lot (and we often don't get much notice) and this has probably been the toughest part. I cope pretty well with his absence, but we can both find it very hard to integrate, as co-parents, on his return. We both get used to being very autonomous and pretty much managing things as we want. When we get back together, we can clash together quite hard. Gradually, we get used to compromise again, but it can be surprisingly challenging.

The best parts of being a mother: The incredible privilege of being able to experience life again and again, by doing things with your kids. The way you can notice things and see things afresh because they are constantly doing that. And of course, the super-sensory experience of being so close to your kids, those unique and powerful connections at all levels. At the heart of it, for me, is that sense of purpose and the feeling that I'm doing a crucial job that I feel enormously motivated about. It's a corny cliche, but I've got no doubt, now, what life's all about and why I'm here!

Has becoming a mother changed you? Absolutely- especially the whole experience of being so ill during childbirth and the months after. I'll never really know if the changes were due to motherhood, or to the extreme experiences around that time, but it all changed my perception of the world in a substantial way. It's given me a much deeper understanding of how humans operate and what circumstances might lead to our behaviours. That's certainly helped me to be a better manager at work, as have many of the motherhood skills. 

As my kids get older, I'm having to question myself a lot about how I represent womanhood to them. It's making me quite strong and I do feel that real need to be the best role model I can be, both for my daughter and my son. I want them to question and challenge the way life should be and what we need to do to be active in that process. 

Hopes for your family: I'd like them to be healthy and fulfilled and if I'm really honest, I hope they are going to be able to use their abilities and privileges to have a positive impact on their community (rather than become very rich and self-serving). I hope they will be able to chose healthy adult relationships with people who are emotionally stable and share their aims in life.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: There are lots of myths about how wonderful motherhood will immediately feel, but it can take years for things to feel right. I don't think I bonded with my daughter until she was three months old (because of my illness and absence) but I'm so proud of what we have developed. 

I would also say, "Don't get too hung up about the birth itself." My mum always says, "It's just a day- there will hopefully be another 20,000 days of parenting to come." Whatever happens, you'll have a great story, and we have incredibly advanced health care which gets most of us through in pretty good shape.

For parenting, I would say that in the long-run, everything is a lot more enjoyable if you can put your kids' needs first. I don't mean buy them every toy they want, just try to get their basic needs sorted. As an adult, I'm pretty awful if I'm very tired, stressed, hungry, feeling ignored or scared. If someone helps me get these things sorted, then life quickly becomes pretty nice again and I tend to love that person (quite a lot!). I don't think kids' needs are that different. For me, it's not about buying our kids all the latest gear, it's about caring about the basics and trying to get that right.

Nicola, Douglas and Angus

Name: Nicola

Children: Douglas, 4 years and Angus, 1 year

Location: Withington

Previous blog entry: http://www.themothers.co.uk/2013/05/nicola-and-douglas.html

Life since the last blog post: I was about 5 months pregnant at the last post. Since then we have moved house, Douglas started pre-school, potty training happened (yuk!), and Angus was born. Now Douglas has started school and I've started back working more fully (I work for myself) since. It's been hectic, but great, and I feel very fortunate to have two healthy, happy kids.

Motherhood since last being on the blog: Obviously it's different and a little more taxing being a mum of two than a mum of one, however the second child really is a walk in the park compared to your 1st. You have done it before so the ability to trust your instincts is there and you just don't fret about the little things the way you do with your first - or the way I did at least. I still worry about Douglas more than Angus in a way. I suppose everything he does is always going to be the firsts! His tantrums, his potty training, his night terrors, his settling in at school - these have all been bigger sources of stress than anything with Angus. I'm hoping that I will take all of these things in my stride with Angus when the time comes but we shall see. It seems like your 1st child is a bit of an experiment! 

Having 2 of the same gender helps, but Angus is very different to Douglas in that he is way more physical at a younger age. I do have my challenges with him. There were no stair gates or cupboard locks at this age with Douglas! He sleeps better though (touch wood) so perhaps that's down to him exhausting himself! Perhaps it's down to us being more relaxed, and so jumping less when he stirs. Or perhaps that that is just how he is. Who knows. They certainly don't come with manuals! He is his own person and I've stopped trying to find reasons for things. My kids just wake up at night and that's it!

Has motherhood changed you? More than anything else in my life ever has, or I think probably ever will. It's a gradual change from the minute you hold your baby. But I like to think I am still me and I think for a while I lost that after Douglas was born. I found the first few months very hard with Douglas and I'm happy to admit to feeling pretty blue on and off. I couldn't understand why as I thought I really ought to be grateful for having a new baby. I am sure it all sounds very familiar to lots of people reading this as I think there is a grey area in regards to post natal depression and the baby blues. I was so frightened to say I might feel down in case I was branded as having PND. I didn't have it, I don't think so anyway, and thank goodness. But I did definitely feel anxious for longer than the norm. But what is normal anyway? It's just a hard adjustment and no one can ever explain to you in advance how it might be. I think lots of new mums feel as I did. It's ok to say it.











There was one thing I did to try to combat this second time round and I would like to talk about that here. I decided to keep my placenta and have it dried and made into capsules. I had heard about this after having Douglas and I swore I would try it if I had another child. We are the only mammals that don't consume our placentas after childbirth, I think. 

At the last minute I decided, in for a penny, in for a pound, and I decided to have it made into a smoothie on the advice of the IPN specialist that I had booked. This sounds nuts and grim I know, but it really didn't taste of anything other than the berries she blended it with and I was consuming my own bacteria from my own body so it's not dangerous. The hospital (Wythenshawe) were fully supportive of us keeping the placenta in fact my midwife was very pro it. After what was a tough birth with Angus (I opted for a natural birth after a C-section with my first child so it was like a first labour for me) I can honestly say I healed very well, my milk came in easily and quickly and I felt way better mentally than I had 1st time round. It could be a placebo effect or it could be that the placenta smoothie worked. I'd do it again if I had another. I know the government want to ban it and I thoroughly disagree. So anyone out there who fancies trying it I would say do it. I used the Independent Placenta Network for it.

Hardest parts of being a mother: Relentlessness. That's all; just that one word. It is relentless. Sometimes you just feel like you need a break.

Best parts of being a mother: All the rest. 

It's so, so, so rewarding to me now, on top of all the things I said about having Douglas in the last post, to see my 2 boys interact as little people. I thought the gap of 3 and a half years would perhaps be an issue until they were much older but already I see how Douglas cares for his brother and how Angus is developing so quickly as he watches everything Dougie does. It's so sweet to watch and it makes my heart swell with pride and love every time I catch a secret glimpse of them playing together.

What you wish you’d known before having children: That sleep deprivation is used as form of torture for good reason...I think maybe I said that in my last post too!

Any more advice for mothers and expectant mums? I think I've probably said plenty above about baby blues, placentas etc. but really for me I would say try to trust your instincts. You are usually right. And if you aren't it's no biggy! 

Plus try to let other comments pass you by. I had an old lady in Sainsbury's tell me I was a bad mother for leaving Angus asleep in a baby trolley seat strapped in while I walked 3 paces away to get some milk! It's best to ignore those people! They've nothing better to do. Sadly I had only had about 4 hours sleep so she got a mouthful from me!

Extra info:

I would also recommend Anna at http://www.yoga4pregnancy.co.uk for local Didsbury and Cheshire mums, her pre and postnatal classes are great and she is a huge calming influence!

Nicola sells handmade Weddings accessories online at www.silversixpenceinhershoe.co.uk. 

For more info regarding Placentas go to Independent placenta network online.

Sally, Faith and Ethan

Name: Sally

Children: Faith, 4 years 

and Ethan, 9 weeks

Location: Salford 

Expectations of Motherhood: I've worked with children for my entire adult life so I felt pretty confident about having a baby, I knew all the practicalities and thought that the emotions would come easily. Having a baby was also in no way going to change my life at all, the baby would have to come along to whatever I was doing and everything would be beautiful. 

Faith was so wanted so I was really ready to be a mum and just couldn't wait to get on with it.

Reality of Motherhood: Oh where to start! You know after the Duchess of Cambridge appeared outside the hospital hours after giving birth, looking amazing and smiley and perfect? It's nothing like that. Motherhood is fraught and scary and demanding. Don't get me wrong, it's the most amazing thing you'll ever do, but it takes you to unknown places and in ways you can only imagine. For me I had times, when Faith was a baby, of forgetting who I was. Everything was about her and making sure she was constantly happy and not crying, it was exhausting, it still is on occasion, but now I have a better balance.

Around three months after Faith was born I think post-natal depression kicked in. This wasn't part of my plan. I wasn't going to get this because I worked with children, I knew what I was doing, so I denied it. 

I lived, probably for the best part of 18 months, with an intense sense of doom, I KNEW something would happen to my child, it was always there, like I couldn't give anyone the normal version of me because I constantly felt that I lived in a tin can of despair. I also felt that the sleepless nights and the intensity of our relationship would never improve! I remember an aunt saying that her son didn't sleep through until he was 18 months and I felt devastated that it could take this long (as it happens Faith took three years to sleep through in the end!). I never spoke about this and I never had any help. So when Ethan came along I thought I'd end up down the same path, but so far so good. 

Having a four year gap is like starting again though, I'd forgotten so much in that time, fortunately (or unfortunately maybe) it doesn't take long to remember! 

Second time around and Ethan really has had to fit into family life. It helps that he's a really chilled little boy, whilst not as demanding as Faith, the sleepless nights are still no prettier!

You find yourself wishing your baby's life away, I really did with Faith and I couldn't wait for the next milestone, but with Ethan I don't feel like that. I'm enjoying him being a baby and I'm fairly sure the lack of sleep wont last forever. He's my last baby and I want to savour him.

Taking your children home for the first time: I planned a home birth with both of my children so never intended to 'go home' with either. However, neither home birth was meant to be and I was induced in hospital with both. 

I remember getting home with Faith, putting her in a Moses basket and thinking 'what am I meant to do with her?'. It felt crazy that someone had allowed me to be in charge of such a tiny thing.

With Ethan it was completely different. My first thought was, 'Have we got something in for Faith's tea?' and 'Can I have a snooze before she gets home'!
Bringing Ethan home was like completing a circle; our family is complete and he is the final piece, so it felt less overwhelming and more celebratory.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I had was no advice. Despite reading all the books and my years of experience with children, there were so many times when I felt completely clueless. I'd cry on the phone to my mum about what I should do, and she never advised me, she'd ask what I wanted to do and told me to do it. You already have a gut feeling about what you think is best and I think going with that feeling is the best advice anyone can give.

The hardest parts of being a mother: When I was 27 weeks pregnant with Ethan, my own mother passed away. She'd been diagnosed with Lymphoma for about a year and we knew it wasn't going to end well, but nobody expected it to happen at that time. Since then it's been a rough road, there have been ups and downs and I am so very sad that she never got to meet Ethan. She was the only person to say he'd be a boy because she'd had a dream about him and I take comfort from this, it's like she had a sense of him before he came. 

It's hard not having my mum here to share both Faith and Ethan's every achievement with, I still think how I must text her about something that one of them has done and then remember that I can't, so it's like an ongoing grieving cycle. Faith also had a close relationship with her so dealing with her grief has been, at times, difficult. She asked one day if Mamar (from not being able to say Grandma) had a mobile phone with the angels because she wanted to tell her that she loved her.
My mum was the type of mum I aspire to be, she was gentle, loving and strong and I hope that I will be the same.

The best parts of being a mother: Producing two amazing little people is pretty awesome! Getting to know them both, learning things about them and things about me is a lifelong journey I look forward to treading.
I cherish so many moments, from the way only I can soothe Faith after a scraped knee to the little 'in' jokes we have and how we're introducing Ethan to the ways of our family. It's no bed of roses at all, but like everything in life, you have to take the rough with the smooth.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Without a doubt! Sometimes I look at my life now and it's unrecognisable. I never thought I'd embrace family life but I have and I wouldn't change any aspect of that. I like spending time with my children, I used to look forward to getting drunk at weekends, now I'm looking forward to going to see Disney on Ice! This isn't to say my life revolves around them, I'd still snap the hand off a babysitter and I still like a night out, it's just that they're rarer treats nowadays. 

I think Children are a great gift but they change everything you know about life as you know it; it's a celebration and a mourning all at the same time. You have to pick yourself up and put yourself back together in some ways, there's still everything there that makes you you, it's just that you're in a different order to before. 

Hopes for your family: My mum always said that being happy was one of the most important things in life and I stand by this. I don't care what they do or who they are I just want them to be happy. Life is far too short not to be.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Basically, go with the flow, don't sweat it and it won't always be like that. It's hard to see a way out during the difficult times but one day you'll look back and laugh (or maybe cry!).

Laurie and Oscar

Name: Laurie 

Child: Oscar 15 months

Location: Ramsbottom

Expectations of Motherhood: I expected hard work. We used to lie in bed and talk about how much fun it would be to have a little one snuggled between us - a full and noisy house. I probably didn't think much further than being on maternity leave with a baby, but thought it'd be a jolly old time!

Reality of Motherhood: A million times harder work! A shock to the system even though it was all planned and expected. 

Taking your child home for the first time: Terrifying, and not because I didn't know what to do (I felt very confident in myself as a mother), but I just felt very vulnerable in the world and like I was the only one who could protect my baby. Unfortunately it was the day post-natal depression set in (which was fortunately very fleeting), but my house felt wrong (like the weird feeling you have when you get when you come home from a 2 week holiday, only magnified a thousand times); the world felt wrong. I didn't feel sad or upset, I just felt nothing (then that made me feel guilty!). What was always evident was that it was a given that I would do everything within my power to look after this little person. It was also a big relief to finally have him at home with us after all those months of waiting. 

The best/worst advice: The best advice came from a brilliant midwife who told me, "You're his mother, you can do anything you want!" - I'd only asked if I could use baby wipes instead of cotton wool on his bottom, but by saying that I realised I had permission to take control and just do it. 

Worst advice: from the breast feeding support worker (or peer support worker) at hospital. I'd fed Oscar successfully twice, but then she turned up, said was doing it wrong, made him cry - he didn't even cry when he was born - then said I couldn't go home because she hadn't seen me feed him. 

Now I think back, I was vulnerable and she basically threatened me by saying, "What will you do when your baby won't feed in the middle of the night?" and, "if he's re-admitted to hospital you won't be allowed to come with him". 

It really angers me. Especially when I went on to breast feed until Oscar was about 10 months. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The night time in the very early stages: a killer! Realising that you will never really relax or be just yourself anymore.... Or at least not for a few decades! Worrying about doing it right! 

The best parts of being a mother: Having the most wonderful little creature that's ever existed!

Knowing that all his healthy weight gain was purely down to my milk. And now, as he's getting older, those little arms around my neck and his kisses. 

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Yes, I'm more sensitive in a lot if ways, like hearing sad stories, but I'm also very strong and feel like I have my priorities a bit more straight. 

Hopes for your family: More babies! 2 or 3 maybe. I just hope for me and my husband to do the best to raise our children with confidence, determination and to be kind. To be happy.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Hide away for 6 weeks, be just a mummy, recover, eat, drink and sleep. Snuggle and kiss your baby. Don't have too many visitors unless they run around after you. Don't put too much pressure on your yourself. It's hard and if anyone says they found if easy, they're lying. Trust yourself and do it how you want to.

Jo, Lucy, Ava and Chloe

Name: Jo

Children: Lucy 9, Ava 6 and Chloe 3 

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: Si and I met when we were teenagers. We went to University and moved in together, then bought our house, got married and babies were next.... that’s how it happens isn’t it? 

Except after all those years of trying not to get pregnant I thought it’d be so easy, you know – stop taking those little pills and hey presto 40 weeks later a gorgeous baby and so on. I imagined a lovely little boy who’d look just like his Daddy, I’d breast feed, go to playgroups, have the patience of a saint and juggle motherhood with work no problem.... hahaha. 

Reality of Motherhood: Well I never expected my pregnancy to fail; to lose my precious miracle before it’s had even had a chance, and then the next one too. This was a heartbreaking journey but 3rd time was lucky for us and we welcomed our gorgeous Lucy Loo into the world 9 years ago after a horrendous labour and birth, which I swore I would never ever ever put myself through again. 

Motherhood was what I expected and more, this tiny person who I’d never thought would be here was real. I adored her, I hated it when even my husband took her out it was so intense. I tried breastfeeding and found it really hard. It hurt like hell, my nipples bled and I was so nervous about feeding her in public I timed going out around feeds, it was crazy. 

I then one day was holding Luce - she was 8 weeks old - and I had this truly horrible feeling; I was petrified I’d hurt her. I had to go and put her in her cot as I just couldn’t hold her. It was terrible. To love someone so much, but then be so scared of them at the same time. These intense feelings went on for 2 years until I was diagnosed with severe PND – seriously.. 2 bloody years! I was never going to have another baby...

Then we decided we needed to at least try and give Lucy a sibling. So we tried again. 2 more miscarriages followed then on the third go we conceived Ava. Ava is a determined little soul. I had bleeds throughout the pregnancy, bad ones, I remember going for the scans weekly as even the midwives thought I’d lost her numerous times, but there was her little heartbeat beating on the screen. 

I was petrified about my PND returning and had CBT therapy whilst pregnant to help with my feelings. It was great! Ava arrived without any problems and the birth was a much better experience. Yes it hurt, but I was in control and was home within 6 hours. It was so different than my experience with Lucy’s birth. 

I was more in control this time round, less panicked and coped a lot better, breast feeding was fantastic this time too and I have to admit I fed her until she was 2. The funny thing was as soon as I got home from the hospital that day with Ava, I knew I had to do it again. I was desperate to! It took 2 years to convince my lovely husband that it *would* be a good idea to have 3 children as 2 was far too neat! It was fabulous. I finally got my textbook pregnancy and an amazing really enjoyable delivery. Honestly.  

Taking your children home for the first time: I remember when we brought Lucy home, how tiny she looked in the car seat, how slow we drove, how we got home and showed her around the house (even though she was asleep) and then thought ok...what on earth do we do now?! 

Taking Ava home was easier, I didn’t feel quite as unwell and I remember going to my neighbours sons 5th birthday party in the back garden with my brand new baby. Someone asked how old she was and I suddenly realised she was 9 hours old...think I was still high as a kite as I went on a bouncy castle and managed to not let my insides fall out. 

Chloe came home to two very excited big sisters, so that again was a different experience.  A busy household where the chance of having any rest was very slim. But I finally felt like my family was complete. Those first days I was shattered, but very happy. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The continuous worry that everyone is happy, healthy and that you aren’t doing something totally wrong that is going to damage your children forever. 

The fact that I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep for more than two consecutive nights, for over 9 years, yep 9 years. 

The juggling of relationships, when your child comes home and is sad because someone’s been mean... it really hurts. 

Sibling rivalry is awful, the fights, the noise, the handprints up the walls and the washing.

Arrgghhh how can 3 small people make so much mess?! 

Wondering if you and your partner are ever going to go out beyond the local neighbourhood ever again? 

In fact just to talk about something that isn’t child related would be amazing. 

Juggling my job as a remote pa with the demands of a young family. I know they feel like I’m always working sometimes, but I love that after 9 years of being a ‘Mummy’ first and foremost, I have built my own little career again. 

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing the personalities of the little people you created emerging from the tiny bodies and screwed up faces. 

The dependency on you, although scary as hell, is also truly magical. 

Your children’s faces when they do something new or manage something for the first time. 

The unconditional love. 

Seeing the relationships within your family change and grow. 

Your toddler saying ‘Love you Mama’ and really meaning it! 

Best Advice: Bin the books! This came from my Mum. I was so desperate first time round to get into a routine, and failed every time. It took me a while to realise that babies kind of get themselves into a routine when they are ready, but then they also change it just as you start to get used to it! 

Worst Advice: To keep breastfeeding with my first child, I endured 6 months of pain, when really I should have just admitted defeat and given her a bottle. I used to dread every feed and think this contributed to my PND. Yes breastfeeding is fab, cheap, a lovely bonding experience and I had that the next times round but if your nipples feel like they are going to fall off for 6 months, don’t beat yourself up about using a bottle! 

Advice for new/expectant mums: Enjoy every precious moment. It goes so so fast. 3rd time round I feel like if I blink I’m going to miss it. Before I know it they’ll all be at school. 

Go with your instincts, you really are the best person for your baby. 

Try a few different playgroups; meeting other mum’s is a great way of realising you are feeling ‘normal’ but it took me a few goes to find some that weren’t petrifying cliquey. 

Be kind to yourself! You are going to be very tired for a while, so does that washing really need putting away right now?....

Holly, Willow and Wilbur

Name: Holly 

Children: Willow 5yrs, Wilbur 8 months

Location: Levenshulme, Manchester 

Expectations of Motherhood: I always knew that I wanted to have children, but I think I wanted to wait for the feeling of being 'grown up' enough to become a mum.

I originally did a degree in Art and Sociology, but found when  job hunting it wasn’t very useful, so I initially worked in care jobs and mental health. A couple of years later I started a degree in Occupational Therapy to try and combine my creative side and my health care interests.

Half way through my degree we started getting a little complacent when it came to contraception and I got pregnant.

When I was younger I never felt that I understood other women or how I should really behave as a woman, so when I got pregnant I very naively felt like this was my opportunity to be the ultimate earth mother, living “as one” with this beautiful thing inside me that was made out of love. I wanted my birth experience to be calm, happy, the very epitome of womanhood and a bonding experience for my husband and I (and my mum who was supposed to be with me). Of course, it didn’t turn out as I had hoped or expected. 

I was utterly gutted when I went for a scan after a small bleed at 12 weeks to find out that my baby had died. I had a horrible miscarriage and cried for weeks. I became fixated on becoming pregnant again, probably to prove I could do it more than anything. 

When Willow was born I had planned to breastfeed her exclusively. I was prepared for the sleepless nights and the constant feeding and knew it was going to hurt, but I was determined I was going to feed her myself. I was even naive enough to think that women that didn’t breastfeed their child simply didn’t try hard enough!

As Willow grew up I had very clear vision that I wanted her to not feel restricted to girlie toys and have everything pink. I wanted her to hate Barbie, to climb trees, to get mucky and love it.
With my second child, Wilbur, I had expected to get pregnant straight away; it took three years. In this time I lost three stone and had another miscarriage, then I finally got pregnant with Wilbur. Eventually, I realised that he was a real baby who was going to make an appearance and so I should plan for his birth. My plans were very modest and all I really wanted was for it to be a positive experience, and nothing like my first birth experience.


I had expected motherhood to come naturally to me. I had expected what people tell you will happen; the rush of love for your baby, the elation when they are born and the grief of separation when they have to go to nursery and school. Needless to say, the reality was quite different! 

Reality of Motherhood:  Wow, the reality of motherhood hit me hard!

Willow’s arrival could not have been more different than how I had planned. She was breech and I had to have a planned Cesarean section. I had assumed an elective c-section would have been calm, positive and a pain free way of having my baby but I was totally shocked about how brutal the process was and how brusque the staff seemed. I started crying on Willow’s second day and must have stopped only 3 weeks later. Looking back I quite obviously has a rather nasty case of postnatal depression. 

Breastfeeding Willow did not go to plan, my milk never came in fully and she lost over 10% of her body weight. I had to mix bottle and breast feeding and beat myself up for months for not being able to exclusively feed her. I was not prepared for the constant anxiety and guilt or the insomnia, and not being able to drift off to sleep because I was so wired and terrified that she would wake up and want feeding at any moment.

Despite my hippy, earth-motherly dreams I was not a natural maternal type. Willow was a very unhappy baby, full of colic and never seemingly comfortable. She would scream from about 3pm in the afternoon until 9 or 10 pm and would be inconsolable. We would call it “suicide hour”.

I knew I had to care for her but I remember not being in love with her or particularly liking her. All the mums at the baby groups seemed to be doting on their babies but I just wanted mine to stop screaming for long enough for me to get some sleep. It turned out that poor Willow had silent reflux but she didn’t get diagnosed until she was about 5 months old. After being put on the right medication she became a much happier baby and we got to know each other all over again. I started to fall in love with her and realise that we had all had a really tough few months, but now things were only going to get better. 

My experience with my second child was totally different. I had a c-section booked but wanted a natural birth so when I went into labour naturally I was really happy. The labour was actually OK, I’ve had more painful toothache and although it was very uncomfortable and very intense I almost enjoyed the primal, instinctive aspect of it. My husband and one of my best friends were with me throughout. Sucking on gas and air and a couple of jabs of Diamorphine got me through 26 hours and then Wilbur was born. I was completely elated. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him, and I finally understood what all the other mums I knew were going on about!

Wilbur seemed so easy compared to my first experience. He was easily soothed and he didn’t cry all the time. I exclusively breastfed him, however he got an infection in his umbilical cord and again I didn’t have enough milk to keep his weight up. He lost 15.9% of his body weight and had to be admitted to hospital at 5 days old. I was gutted to have to start mix feeding again but he was going to be seriously ill if we didn’t.

Taking your children home for the first time: Taking my daughter home felt wonderful because I had had such a horrible time in hospital that I thought home was the answer to everything. As it turned out, home was the start of a whole new level of sleeplessness and perforated ear drums from the constant screaming. I ran on adrenaline and hysterics. My mum had come to help us out and ended up not leaving for about three months because I was such a wreck. My mum being around was a blessing and a curse really because she seemed to be the only person who could soothe Willow - I felt increasingly useless.

Taking Wilbur home was a totally different experience. My mum was there again, but I was determined to be more together this time. I was really lucky enough to get the support I needed.

There was a moment when I looked at my daughter and my new baby and suddenly all the hippy-dippy earth motherly feelings I had initially hoped for actually happened! I felt like I had everything I had ever wanted.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I had was from my friend Audrey. I would often take my daughter and go and hide at her house in the afternoon (to try and distract the baby from the evening screamies). She told me everything with children is a phase, even the good stuff - so whatever they are like now, it won’t last forever. That saw me through some very dark times!

The worst advice I had was whilst we were trying to get pregnant with Wilbur. It took three years to get pregnant and I had to go to the women’s hospital for investigations. People would constantly say, “Oh you just need to relax!” and, “Stop trying and it will just happen”. It drove me nuts even though I knew people were just trying to be nice.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The hardest part of being a mum has to be accepting that I have limitations and I don’t always have the answers or solutions to every problem.

Finding (and sharing) the time and energy for the people I love is also tricky. With my first baby I think my husband and I forgot to give each other enough attention, and that made it hard to get on when we were both tired and grumpy. 

The best parts of being a mother: The best parts of being a mother has to be being able to witness this creature that you have made turn into a little person with a very big personality.

The laughter and joy in simple and unexpected things is wonderful, for example, the relief in seeing a great big poo erupt from your baby when he has been constipated for days are joyful!

Hopes for your family: My hopes for my family are that we will remain close. I come from a large family of half brothers and half sisters, but none of us are particularly close. I would love for Willow and Wilbur to be there for each other when they grow up.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Have realistic expectations! Child birth and babies are unpredictable things and trying to have control over every aspect of it can really backfire. 

I listened to a hypnobirth CD about giving birth naturally after a c-section for a few weeks before I had my second child; I found it really helped to relax me and give me a positive outlook on having another baby. My other bit of advice would be not to worry if you don’t immediately feel gushy and maternal, it doesn’t mean you won’t love your child or give it a great start in life.

Additional comments:

Miscarriage affects 1 in 4 pregnancies, and that is a lot of women. I found the silence surrounding being pregnant for the first 12 weeks and pregnancy loss very isolating. The Miscarriage Association website is full of information and Tommy’s do fantastic work and have a midwife available to talk to.

http://www.tommys.org/

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/