Jennie, Eleanor and Sam

Name: Jennie

Children: Eleanor, 11, and Sam, 8

Location: Chorlton, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I always wanted to be a mum, one day, but was always apprehensive about the job description and how much it would change my life. I'd wanted to become pregnant at 35, but when that time came I was having such a great time, and I was really unsure whether I should re-arrange everything. 

In the end, I became pregnant the first time that we tried. It was a real shock. I'd anticipated a year or two of getting used to the idea of having a baby soon, but suddenly it was really happening. I wasn't prepared at all psychologically and it all hit me quite hard. 

Reality of Motherhood: It's hard to put into words how much the experience has impacted on me, with the way I now see the world, and how I relate to other people. I still have an incredible life, but I'm no longer in the centre of it. This is actually a hell of a relief! It's great to get some respite from my own little world, and to have felt it widening out in ways I could never have predicted. Eleven years on, I wonder what I'd be doing if I'd decided not to have had kids. Without a shadow of a doubt, I now know we did the right thing- it's a huge adventure and most of it has been really enjoyable.

Taking your child home for the first time: Well, I wasn't able to do that, as I was very ill in hospital and missed a lot of her first three months. It all worked out in the end, but it was a shocking start to motherhood. 

I contracted a serious form of meningitis when I was eight months pregnant. I fell into a coma at home and totally missed my daughter's birth. Luckily my partner found me and realised I was very unwell. The medics were very unsure what was wrong and suspected I'd overdosed on illegal drugs. As I came out of the coma (eight days later) I experienced severe mental trauma: terrifying hallucinations and suffering paranoid delusions. This then morphed into life-threatening Post Natal Depression. I made it out the other side (thanks to incredible support) but it wasn't the start I expected! 

That three month period was utterly life-changing on every level. We were extremely lucky to survive without horrific physical side-effects, and not a day goes past when remind myself how incredibly lucky we are to be able to live a very full and independent life. The NHS absolutely surpassed itself and I'll be forever grateful to all those clever and caring people who chose those careers and brought us through it all. My own parents gave up a big chunk of their life to look after me and had endless patience during my re-hab. They made a massive impact on the speed of my recovery.

The best/worst advice: Tricky one! The best advice has probably come from Supernanny! Her calm and clear approach, with everyone taking time out when needed, really helped me (and still does). The worst advice has to be anything from Gina Ford. Looking back, her unfeeling approach doesn't make me feel at all comfortable and never worked out well for us. If you come to motherhood with little experience of babies, as I did, I think it's very natural to scrabble around for a manual. A friend said you end up "finding a book that suits your child"- I think there's enormous wisdom in this insight!

The hardest parts of being a mother: Accepting that my kids sometimes want to do things very differently to how I think they should be done. I'm not sure if I'll ever reach this nirvana, though!

My partner works abroad a lot (and we often don't get much notice) and this has probably been the toughest part. I cope pretty well with his absence, but we can both find it very hard to integrate, as co-parents, on his return. We both get used to being very autonomous and pretty much managing things as we want. When we get back together, we can clash together quite hard. Gradually, we get used to compromise again, but it can be surprisingly challenging.

The best parts of being a mother: The incredible privilege of being able to experience life again and again, by doing things with your kids. The way you can notice things and see things afresh because they are constantly doing that. And of course, the super-sensory experience of being so close to your kids, those unique and powerful connections at all levels. At the heart of it, for me, is that sense of purpose and the feeling that I'm doing a crucial job that I feel enormously motivated about. It's a corny cliche, but I've got no doubt, now, what life's all about and why I'm here!

Has becoming a mother changed you? Absolutely- especially the whole experience of being so ill during childbirth and the months after. I'll never really know if the changes were due to motherhood, or to the extreme experiences around that time, but it all changed my perception of the world in a substantial way. It's given me a much deeper understanding of how humans operate and what circumstances might lead to our behaviours. That's certainly helped me to be a better manager at work, as have many of the motherhood skills. 

As my kids get older, I'm having to question myself a lot about how I represent womanhood to them. It's making me quite strong and I do feel that real need to be the best role model I can be, both for my daughter and my son. I want them to question and challenge the way life should be and what we need to do to be active in that process. 

Hopes for your family: I'd like them to be healthy and fulfilled and if I'm really honest, I hope they are going to be able to use their abilities and privileges to have a positive impact on their community (rather than become very rich and self-serving). I hope they will be able to chose healthy adult relationships with people who are emotionally stable and share their aims in life.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: There are lots of myths about how wonderful motherhood will immediately feel, but it can take years for things to feel right. I don't think I bonded with my daughter until she was three months old (because of my illness and absence) but I'm so proud of what we have developed. 

I would also say, "Don't get too hung up about the birth itself." My mum always says, "It's just a day- there will hopefully be another 20,000 days of parenting to come." Whatever happens, you'll have a great story, and we have incredibly advanced health care which gets most of us through in pretty good shape.

For parenting, I would say that in the long-run, everything is a lot more enjoyable if you can put your kids' needs first. I don't mean buy them every toy they want, just try to get their basic needs sorted. As an adult, I'm pretty awful if I'm very tired, stressed, hungry, feeling ignored or scared. If someone helps me get these things sorted, then life quickly becomes pretty nice again and I tend to love that person (quite a lot!). I don't think kids' needs are that different. For me, it's not about buying our kids all the latest gear, it's about caring about the basics and trying to get that right.

Laurie, Oscar and Erika

 Name: Laurie 

Children and ages: Oscar, 2 years 9 months and Erika, 4 months

Location: Ramsbottom

Previous blog entry: http://www.the-mothers.co.uk/2013/10/laurie-and-oscar.html

Life since the last blog post: We have acquired a lot more toys and I think if I ever went on Mastermind, my specialist subject would be Thomas the Tank Engine. 

After a year of working part-time, I changed back to full-time and then discovered I was pregnant. 

Then of course, there’s been the arrival of our baby girl, Erika Sophie. My job - working with perpetrators of domestic abuse - since having children has proved more challenging than usual at times; perhaps because I see the world differently now I have a greater responsibility to protect my little people.

Motherhood since last being on the blog: It took me quite a while to get to grips with being a mummy in some ways. Although I think I managed practically really well, my emotions took a while to catch up and the change in lifestyle took a while to adapt to too. Although having two children is a lot busier and more stressful at times, it’s definitely been easier second time around! 

Oscar, and now Erika, continue to astound me and I’m ridiculously proud of the smallest things. As he’s become older and changes and develops more, Oscar challenges me in different ways and I’ve spent a lot of time recently reflecting on my behaviour (when I feel like he’s driving me insane!) and constantly have to remind myself that he’s 2 and I’m 33. He’s allowed to not be able to control his emotions. I’m not!

Although I say that having a second child is easier than the first, it has brought new challenges. I breastfed Oscar easily for about 10 months and it didn’t even occur to me that I might have problems the second time around. But I did, and it was horrific – for the whole family. I had a lot of nipple trauma and several infections, was expressing night and day, attempting to cup and bottle feed (breast feeding directly in the early days was impossible) then it was discovered that Erika had a tongue-tie. The pain was incredible, but not being able to cuddle Oscar or Erika properly and the endless medical appointments slowly and relentlessly chipped away at me. I had to catch myself and remember how lucky I was to have a happy, healthy baby, even though it all felt so terrible at the time.

On reflection it probably would have been beneficial to everyone if I’d have stopped trying to breastfeed much earlier, but in the end I managed to do it, albeit with nipple shields, for 3 months. Just before Christmas, we found Erika wasn’t putting on weight quickly enough and my GP advised a bottle of formula a day. I stopped breast-feeding her as it was at the point where I wasn’t able to give her everything she needed, so the decision was easier as it felt like it had been taken out of my hands. She’s a lovely big fatty now and I’m significantly happier and really enjoying her (and I think I’m being a much better mummy to Oscar too). It is amazing how utterly determined I was to feed her despite all the problems. I guess we’re just pre-programmed to not let anything stop us feeding our babies.

On a positive note, I had a lovely experience of labour this time as I had a home birth. I really didn’t want to have to be induced like the last time, so when I was 4 days overdue I walked up a local hill to get things moving. It worked! Erika arrived the next day. It was very quick and straight-forward (although I was pretty distraught to discover the tube for the gas and air had been left at the hospital!). It arrived eventually luckily. It was so nice to shower at home and get into my own bed with my husband and new baby after it all. The midwives were amazing; supportive and kind and they cleaned everything up and left us to get to know each other. I would really recommend a home birth to anyone considering it. 

Has motherhood changed you?: Motherhood has forced me to change in certain ways. For example, you can’t be selfish. I don’t mean in a negative way, but that it’s rare to be able to put yourself first as a mother. I think overall I am happier since having my children. I don’t know if that’s changed me at all although perhaps I have a different outlook on life now; I feel very lucky to have two healthy, happy children.

Hardest parts of being a mother: Generally, day to day it’s a harder life as you never stop! There always seems to be something to do, a nappy to change, lunch to make... train track to build! Being ill is hard when you’ve got small children too. There have been times when all I’ve wanted is to get into bed and stay there for a day or two but you just can’t – I’m on call 24/7.

Best parts of being a mother: They are MINE! The smiles meant only for me because out of everyone in whole world, they need and want 

me. Those tiny hands on my face or arms around my neck; the small things that are huge. I also love the feeling of being part of a family unit. It’s the best thing I’ve done in my life. 

What you wish you’d known before having children: Actually, I think I’m glad I didn’t know how hard it could be at times; not that it would have put me off but because there’s no point in worrying about what might be. I think first time around it would have been nice to know that when it does get hard, that it’s always a phase and that there’ll be something new and different, be it difficult or wonderful just around the corner.

I wish I’d be told all the answers to being a good mother – but I doubt anyone will ever know that!

Any more advice for mothers and expectant mums: I’m not sure what I said last time, but what I find myself to saying to lots of mums is that they know best. No-one knows your child like you, so trust yourself and you’ll be fine. Also, don’t expect too much of yourself too soon after having a baby. Take time, let people help you and try to enjoy being in the baby bubble.