Helen and Georgina

Name: Helen

Child: Georgina Rose - 13 months.

Location: West Didsbury 

Expectations of motherhood: I have always wanted to be a mummy. I thought I would love it but nothing prepared me for the enormous LOVE you feel for your own child. 

My image of a 'typical day with a baby' was slightly different to the reality of it. I imagined getting ready for my day when my baby slept peacefully in her crib/cot and then having tea (or wine) and cake dates and going to baby classes. In reality, I do meet people, eat, drink and go to classes but getting myself ready is now a matter of how quickly can I do it (simple things such as drying my hair have taken a back seat). 

I was told before Georgina was born 'you'll never wee alone again' and they were right. Since Georgina has been on the move I have always have a little inquisitive person by my side. 

Before Georgina arrived, I was extremely excited I couldn't wait to meet her. We didn't actually know we were having a girl so I was looking forward to finding out whether she was a she or he. I kept wondering what she would look like but nothing prepared me for just how gorgeous she is and I constantly ask myself 'how did we make her?'.  

Reality of motherhood: It's the best job I've ever done. Don't get me wrong, it's challenging and the one job you'll do that you're given full responsibility on day one without any training or a manual. That said, if you were given a manual you would call the author within a matter of hours of having your baby to complain that the instructions don't work!

In the first few weeks/months it felt very surreal having a baby. I honestly thought someone would knock on the door and say you've had your time now and ask for her back! 

I don't think anyone can fully prepare you for motherhood; the love, joy, happiness these little people bring but also just how exhausted you will be. I was worried about the lack of sleep but I never fully comprehended the fact that I wouldn't sleep through the night again! But saying that when I'm up in the night and I'm exhausted I see her looking at me with her big blue eyes and cheeky smile, I completely forget about being tired. The bags under my eyes the next day usually tell the story of our previous evening. I've found the only way to cope is chocolate in copious amounts (and wine!). 

Before I had Georgina, if I dropped food (accidentally, of course) or if there was a mark on my clothes I would change my outfit before leaving the house. These days I'm usually styling Georgina's various meals on my clothes and in my hair. If I change my outfit every time I have food, sick or snot on them I would never leave the house.

Taking your child home for the first time: After our little water baby was born, we got ready to leave the hospital just hours after giving birth (despite me asking to stay longer). I got our new camera ready to capture the special moment of us taking our gorgeous girly home. However, despite us spending several hours in John Lewis deciding which pram and car seat to have, Georgina's first reaction to the car seat was sheer disgust. She absolutely hated it. So my picture of her and her daddy ready to go home is not as planned; she is screaming. 

As we approached our car with beaming smiles on our face (and luckily Georgina had stopped crying) another dad past us and said 'Congratulations! Good luck!' and 'Your life has now changed forever'. 

I spent the entire journey looking at Georgina, our very special cargo, whilst my husband drove home (very slowly). I hadn't comprehended how long I was and still am able to just look at her. 

Hardest parts of being a mother: You're on duty 24/7 365 days a year. A tiny little person is dependent on you and their daddy for everything. You're their world. I constantly worry about her but I wouldn't change my new life for anything. 

Best parts of being a mother: Watching Georgina grow and develop. I can't believe she is over 1 now! When she looks at me I can't help but smile at her. When she laughs and talks to you (baby talk that is) it's the best sound, as a parent, you'll ever hear. Whilst I question everything I do, all she wants is to be with me (or my husband) and it's easy to forget the sheer joy she gets just from playing with us. 

Best advice: Every stage of a baby/child is amazing. 

This is so true. I keep thinking every day is amazing as I watch her do new things. Over the past 13 months I honestly can't say one day, week or month has been better than another; they have all been fantastic. 

Join a mummy group. We did NCT and met 7 other couples. All of them are lovely and I've formed really close friendships with them. The support I've had from these ladies is invaluable. 

Worst advice: When you feed your baby solid food she will sleep through the night. This is NOT true (well for us anyway). Also that sleeping from midnight to 5am is sleeping through the night. This, in my eyes, is NOT true. When would you ever classify 5 hours as a good night's sleep?

Has motherhood changed you? Definitely. I put her at the centre of everything I do. My priorities have completely changed. A good day out now consists of anything Georgina will like, whether it be soft play, baby groups or going to a farm/zoo.  

Hopes for your family: That our family is healthy and happy. I'm looking forward to all the adventures we have ahead of us and watching Georgina grow and develop. This new chapter of our life is exciting and wonderful. 
Advice to new and expectant mothers: Enjoy every moment of it. It goes too quickly! There will be times when it's really hard but you're not alone. It's a learning curve but you will be doing a fantastic job and all your little one wants is to be with you. 

Jo, Lucy, Ava and Chloe

Name: Jo

Children: Lucy 9, Ava 6 and Chloe 3 

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: Si and I met when we were teenagers. We went to University and moved in together, then bought our house, got married and babies were next.... that’s how it happens isn’t it? 

Except after all those years of trying not to get pregnant I thought it’d be so easy, you know – stop taking those little pills and hey presto 40 weeks later a gorgeous baby and so on. I imagined a lovely little boy who’d look just like his Daddy, I’d breast feed, go to playgroups, have the patience of a saint and juggle motherhood with work no problem.... hahaha. 

Reality of Motherhood: Well I never expected my pregnancy to fail; to lose my precious miracle before it’s had even had a chance, and then the next one too. This was a heartbreaking journey but 3rd time was lucky for us and we welcomed our gorgeous Lucy Loo into the world 9 years ago after a horrendous labour and birth, which I swore I would never ever ever put myself through again. 

Motherhood was what I expected and more, this tiny person who I’d never thought would be here was real. I adored her, I hated it when even my husband took her out it was so intense. I tried breastfeeding and found it really hard. It hurt like hell, my nipples bled and I was so nervous about feeding her in public I timed going out around feeds, it was crazy. 

I then one day was holding Luce - she was 8 weeks old - and I had this truly horrible feeling; I was petrified I’d hurt her. I had to go and put her in her cot as I just couldn’t hold her. It was terrible. To love someone so much, but then be so scared of them at the same time. These intense feelings went on for 2 years until I was diagnosed with severe PND – seriously.. 2 bloody years! I was never going to have another baby...

Then we decided we needed to at least try and give Lucy a sibling. So we tried again. 2 more miscarriages followed then on the third go we conceived Ava. Ava is a determined little soul. I had bleeds throughout the pregnancy, bad ones, I remember going for the scans weekly as even the midwives thought I’d lost her numerous times, but there was her little heartbeat beating on the screen. 

I was petrified about my PND returning and had CBT therapy whilst pregnant to help with my feelings. It was great! Ava arrived without any problems and the birth was a much better experience. Yes it hurt, but I was in control and was home within 6 hours. It was so different than my experience with Lucy’s birth. 

I was more in control this time round, less panicked and coped a lot better, breast feeding was fantastic this time too and I have to admit I fed her until she was 2. The funny thing was as soon as I got home from the hospital that day with Ava, I knew I had to do it again. I was desperate to! It took 2 years to convince my lovely husband that it *would* be a good idea to have 3 children as 2 was far too neat! It was fabulous. I finally got my textbook pregnancy and an amazing really enjoyable delivery. Honestly.  

Taking your children home for the first time: I remember when we brought Lucy home, how tiny she looked in the car seat, how slow we drove, how we got home and showed her around the house (even though she was asleep) and then thought ok...what on earth do we do now?! 

Taking Ava home was easier, I didn’t feel quite as unwell and I remember going to my neighbours sons 5th birthday party in the back garden with my brand new baby. Someone asked how old she was and I suddenly realised she was 9 hours old...think I was still high as a kite as I went on a bouncy castle and managed to not let my insides fall out. 

Chloe came home to two very excited big sisters, so that again was a different experience.  A busy household where the chance of having any rest was very slim. But I finally felt like my family was complete. Those first days I was shattered, but very happy. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The continuous worry that everyone is happy, healthy and that you aren’t doing something totally wrong that is going to damage your children forever. 

The fact that I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep for more than two consecutive nights, for over 9 years, yep 9 years. 

The juggling of relationships, when your child comes home and is sad because someone’s been mean... it really hurts. 

Sibling rivalry is awful, the fights, the noise, the handprints up the walls and the washing.

Arrgghhh how can 3 small people make so much mess?! 

Wondering if you and your partner are ever going to go out beyond the local neighbourhood ever again? 

In fact just to talk about something that isn’t child related would be amazing. 

Juggling my job as a remote pa with the demands of a young family. I know they feel like I’m always working sometimes, but I love that after 9 years of being a ‘Mummy’ first and foremost, I have built my own little career again. 

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing the personalities of the little people you created emerging from the tiny bodies and screwed up faces. 

The dependency on you, although scary as hell, is also truly magical. 

Your children’s faces when they do something new or manage something for the first time. 

The unconditional love. 

Seeing the relationships within your family change and grow. 

Your toddler saying ‘Love you Mama’ and really meaning it! 

Best Advice: Bin the books! This came from my Mum. I was so desperate first time round to get into a routine, and failed every time. It took me a while to realise that babies kind of get themselves into a routine when they are ready, but then they also change it just as you start to get used to it! 

Worst Advice: To keep breastfeeding with my first child, I endured 6 months of pain, when really I should have just admitted defeat and given her a bottle. I used to dread every feed and think this contributed to my PND. Yes breastfeeding is fab, cheap, a lovely bonding experience and I had that the next times round but if your nipples feel like they are going to fall off for 6 months, don’t beat yourself up about using a bottle! 

Advice for new/expectant mums: Enjoy every precious moment. It goes so so fast. 3rd time round I feel like if I blink I’m going to miss it. Before I know it they’ll all be at school. 

Go with your instincts, you really are the best person for your baby. 

Try a few different playgroups; meeting other mum’s is a great way of realising you are feeling ‘normal’ but it took me a few goes to find some that weren’t petrifying cliquey. 

Be kind to yourself! You are going to be very tired for a while, so does that washing really need putting away right now?....

Sarah and Oliver

Name: Sarah

Child: Oliver, Age 2

Location: Altrincham

Expectations of Motherhood: From a young age I knew one of my ambitions in life was to have a family, and at 25 we decided we wanted to start planning for a baby of our own. I had lots of worries initially about becoming pregnant, mainly due to other horror stories I had heard or been told. How would I cope putting on weight? Will I cope with morning sickness? Will I cry lots? Will I go shopping and leave my baby in a changing room? Will I know what to do??? .....To help with all my worries I insisted my mum bought me a book to help teach me what to do (very naive!).

We were both under the impression that it could take us a couple of months to a year to conceive, mainly due to a few of our friends having difficulties. To our surprise I was pregnant within the first two months of trying and therefore felt very blessed.

It was strange; I didn’t feel any different. I thought I was one of the lucky ones who wouldn’t suffer from morning sickness. How wrong was I! At around 2/3 months I was sick religiously every morning as soon as I woke up, but felt back to normal straight away. That was unless I ate my favourite foods - curry and pizza - but I soon learnt it was best to steer clear of them for the remainder of my pregnancy. After a month or so my morning sickness passed and the rest of my pregnancy was perfect, luckily I had no problems at all and bloomed!



We decided we couldn’t wait for 9 months to find out the sex of our baby, so jumped at the chance to find out during our scan. I had my heart set on having a baby girl, so when we were told we were having a boy I wasn’t sure how to feel. However, seeing him move around during the scan I instantly fell in love and felt so lucky to have such a healthy child.

Reality of motherhood: I couldn’t bring myself to write my ‘birthing plan’, I didn’t know what I wanted or how I would cope with the pain? I decided to leave it for a while and maybe I would have more of an idea nearer the time. The idea of taking lots of drugs made me nervous in case I would embarrass myself, or if they made me sick. Oh, and I hate needles!

Everyone I bumped into advised me that I would be overdue and would need inducing as my bump hadn’t dropped, and I agreed due to the feet constantly digging in to my ribs. So when my waters broke a week early at 6am, I cried with shock... I still hadn’t written my birthing plan, but it turned out that it didn’t matter.

Having the perfect pregnancy was no indication that I was going to have a smooth labour and delivery, to my disappointment. I coped well with the pain using a tens machine (best invention ever!) and gas and air but it became clear after 22 hours of labour and lots of pushing that I needed help to deliver. I was then taken out of my lovely birthing room with a pool and pretty lights, into a very sterile delivery room, full of people! Looking back it makes me cringe thinking about how many people were stood discussing my private parts and what to do to help me, I don’t even like getting undressed in front of my own mother!

At the time I was so tired that I wasn’t too upset when I was advised I needed an episiotomy and Ventouse delivery (although I soon wished I had pushed a lot harder!). Oliver was finally delivered and the first words out of the surgeons mouth was ‘BIG BABY!’, I just remember thinking, 'wow he has massive thighs!'

After a lot of pain and a few hours sleep I bonded instantly with Oliver and felt like I knew what I was doing.. What was I worried about? 

I was lulled into a false sense of security thinking, 'this is easy', but it didn’t last long. After the midwives insisting, ‘breast is best’ I didn’t want to let anyone down and gave it a try. The ward nurses were not much help when I expressed concern that Oliver was feeding for a long time (hours) and still didn’t seem satisfied. I was told, ‘Oh it’s normal’, but after the first weigh in at home, we realised I wasn’t able to give Oliver enough milk and that we needed to bottle feed, which explained the 48hours we'd had with no sleep. I instantly felt anger at the midwives who'd initially brainwashed me into breastfeeding, and the ward nurses that I'd asked for help.

It quickly hit us how rough sleep deprivation was, and suffering with low iron and pain it was a hard few days. Why oh why do they not tell you about what happens after delivery in your antenatal classes?

As soon as we started to bottle feed Oliver he seemed a little more content, but we were still convinced that something wasn’t quite right. I couldn’t put Oliver down without him screaming, I learnt how to go to the toilet/eat meals/wash-up, all whilst holding a baby. His symptoms got worse towards around two months; he would scream for milk and then scream even louder after an ounce. We spent hours researching his symptoms and ruled out colic, but as soon as I read the symptoms for Reflux, I knew instantly that is what he had. After one tearful Sunday morning for both me and Oliver, I decided enough was enough, and we drove him to A&E. Finally after a few nurses trying to convince us he had colic and it was ‘normal’, a lovely doctor listened and diagnosed silent reflux. Two or three days later on Gaviscon we had our perfect settled baby back!

Now this was sorted and under control we started to build a routine and settled into our family life. Oliver quickly adapted to our strict routine and luckily slept through from 3 months, and more often than not we would have to wake him in a morning.

Our first year after all the initial troubles was amazing, we didn’t have to change our lives too much as Oliver just fitted in around our lives. Again we came back down to the reality of parenthood with a bang when it was time for me to start back at work and Oliver at nursery. The germs hit hard! After 26 years of avoiding tonsillitis, Oliver kindly passed it on to me. As a mother you don’t have time to be ill, so after the third throat infection and numerous blood tests to find out why I was so ill I was signed off work for a week. In between dealing with my illnesses we had a scare with Oliver, who was rushed into hospital as a gland in his neck had got infected and they needed to give him antibiotics quickly through a drip. From this moment on he was poorly every other week for around 3/4 months - the staple part of his diet felt like antibiotics.

Taking your child home for the first time: The 15 minute journey home felt like the scariest drive we had ever been on (even though we probably drove about 10 MPH the whole way back). We avoided every single pot hole and drove the long way round to avoid all the speed bumps. We made it home safely! The walk from the car into our home felt like I’d run a marathon and I instantly broke down in tears as soon as we made it to the front door. Looking back I think these were more tears of relief to be home (and baby blues) rather than the pain.

We made a conscious decision to spend our first couple of nights in the lounge for a number of reasons which now seem a bit more neurotic rather than sensible. We were luckily enough to have my mother who spent the first week with us, cooking, cleaning and offering support. I was therefore able to try and concentrate on looking after my health and catching the odd few hours sleep whilst I knew Oliver was being watched over.

The midwife advised that due to the lack of milk, Oliver was becoming jaundice. We were convinced he was a ‘nice’ colour, looking back at pictures we realise his nice tan wasn’t from spending a week or so in the Maldives. I was unable to go out for his first outing to get some fresh air and sun light and this broke my heart. After being so close to your baby for 9 months and then giving birth, the feeling when you have to let go for an hour or so is the worst in the world initially, but it soon gets easier.



The best advice: Without a doubt this has to be from a colleague at work (mother of three), make sure daytime is noisy/bright and night times are quiet, low lit and no fuss. You hear horror stories of baby’s routines getting mixed up; awake all night and asleep all day. We were determined that this was not going to happen to us, and so we started a routine from day one of being home. Our night time routine was the same each night - bath, bottle in a quiet room with no fussing, then bed. After a while it paid off and to this day we have had no issues with Oliver waking at night and wanting to play.

Also, a health visitor advised me at around 3 months to ensure we put Oliver in bed awake, so he can learn to fall asleep himself. This was hard for a while due to reflux preventing us from laying him down straight after a bottle, and most newborns tend to fall asleep straight after a bottle. By 5 months we were confident that the reflux was under control and that we needed to teach Oliver to go to sleep alone in bed. This involved a tough few weeks of training, sometimes hours stood on the landing in and out of his room, but he quickly grasped the idea and bed times are now fun and easy (well until you have to chase them round the bathroom to get a nappy on).

I worry sometimes that we have been a little too strict with routine as Oliver does show quite strong OCD tendencies. He cannot stand to have any dirt on himself or clothing and loves to clean! If we don’t clean his hands quick enough when he requests, there can be tears. He has become that fussy he has even got out of the bath due to a floating piece of fluff. A lot of time lately has been spent trying to teach him that you can get messy and still be okay (lots of finger painting).

Another (sorry I have a few), is to go to an antenatal class. I had a great support group from the ladies I met during my classes, and two years on we still meet regularly with and without our babies. Speaking to other mums helps you quickly learn that what you are going through is normal and that they are going through the same thing.

Worst advice: Books... no book can tell you how your child should act, what times they want milk and how you should feel. My first worries about not knowing what to do were the same things all mothers-to-be feel, but as soon as you hold your baby you know instantly what to do. You quickly learn what each cry or moan means and how to deal with it best.

Breastfeeding – Don't be forced into something you are not comfortable doing, of course it has its benefits but if it makes your life hell you need to decide if that’s how you want to spend the first 5/6 months.

The hardest parts of being a mother: This has to be the feeling of when your child is upset or hurt. The instinct you instantly have to protect them from anything is astonishing; the first few tears you share with them, but then soon you learn they need your reassurance and love rather than a blubbing wreck. I think because I’m so strong around Oliver now I cry at the slightest thing when he’s not around, usually One born or Eastenders.

When Oliver first started walking/running I used to hover round his every move to be there if he fell. I’ve now realised that I won’t always be there to protect him and therefore he needs to learn how to deal with different situations himself. If he falls over now and isn’t hurt, he quickly gets up, wipes himself down and carries on.

The best parts of being a mother: Above all the love you feel for them and seeing how they feel for you. Our family now is so close and we all rely on each other for everything. One of the best feelings is becoming a family - just the 3 of us. Everything feels complete now. Life before Oliver was amazing, but with Oliver it’s even better. I cannot describe how proud we feel watching our child as he grows and develops; it has also been great for us seeing the world from his tiny eyes. Watching the joy on his face when he masters how to do something or sees something or someone he loves.

I always knew I would be a good mother, but I don’t think I knew just how much I would love just hanging out with him. He has turned into my best friend and never fails to brighten my day with his smiles, hugs and sloppy kisses. Everyday he does something new that shocks us or makes us giggle. Sometimes we just look at each other and smile and say, ‘he’s amazing isn’t he?’ still unsure how we both made such a social, loving, kind and funny young man.

Has becoming a mother changed you: I’m sure everyone will answer yes to this, it has to.... it’s a massive lifestyle change, going from spending all your free time in the pub, to staying home and worrying about someone other than yourself. I used to live for the weekend to go out with our friends, but now I can’t wait to get into my PJ's and snuggle on the sofa, or play football in the park.

Hopes for your family: My main hope is that we all stay healthy and happy and carrying on enjoying life. We are quite relaxed about the future at the moment, and are on a bit of an adventure. Every day is so different and with us being in the ‘terrible’ two’s stage we are never bored (although it’s not been too terrible so far, touch wood). We would like to have a sibling for Oliver, but want to enjoy our time with him until he’s ready to share our love. One of my main hopes is that we always have a strong bond and we continue to be best friends.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Trust your own instincts, don’t put any extra pressure on yourself by reading books or worrying about what they should and shouldn’t being doing. Your child will grow in their own time with your support and nurturing.

Having a child is going into the unknown for most families and that is part of the fun, you will find your own way and find what works for you. You may have bad days when you question everything and everyone, but it’s more rewarding than you will ever imagine. The love you feel for them is boundless.

Little tips - buy a practical changing bag; buy a coat with a hood (umbrellas and prams don’t mix); buy Annabel Karmel’s book for weaning; always take spare clothes on trips out; oh and get used to mess.

Emma and Effie

Name: Emma

Child and age: Effie, 7 years 

Location: Prestwich, Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I was a bit terrified about being a Mum. I had planned my pregnancy, was in a stable relationship and at 28 years old had a secure job and home, but I still felt a bit like I was a kid and I wasn’t sure whether I would be any good at being a parent. My husband Adam and I were friends with a lot of musicians who didn’t seem to have any intention of settling down and having children so it was very much a voyage we were taking on our own. My elder sister down south had recently had her first child and seeing my delighted parents with their grandchild made me realise that if I wanted to be a mum then now would be a good time.

When I became pregnant I had worked in media research for six years, so I took that approach to my impending motherhood and found out absolutely everything I could about pregnancy, babies, parenting groups and childcare. I felt that if I did my research I would be prepared for anything and this was particularly important because whilst my husband and I had lived in Manchester for quite a few years, we had absolutely no family in the north west at all. 

I tried to enroll in NCT classes because my sister had made some really supportive friends at hers (who she continued to see post birth), but I didn’t even get a response to my enquiries so I ended up at the free classes provided by my local hospital. These ended up being a bit disappointing; not only did we not manage to ‘click’ with any of the other couples there, but the classes seemed to be mostly about giving birth and not much else. Despite this I was sure that even though I was intending to go back to work full time after six months I would be able to find a few other mums to be friends with.



I knew motherhood wouldn’t be easy. I was having the most fantastic pregnancy where I didn’t suffer from any morning sickness, and I had never felt so healthy, but I knew there would be challenges and so I tried to be pro-active and plan for any eventuality. I have a history of depression so I spoke to my midwife about post-natal depression and how we needed to look out for it, I attended a breast feeding workshop prior to giving birth and I filled out the birth plan in my NHS pregnancy book so my midwife would know exactly what I wanted (this was a great move; my ace midwife talked me out of having pethidine because in my birth plan I had said I absolutely didn’t want it, but then I started to request it in the middle of my labour). My feeling was that it was ok not to know everything, but that you needed to do lots of homework first.

Reality of motherhood: It sounds daft now but I think the thing that shocked me most was that after I had put in all this hard work preparing myself for motherhood and being surrounded by health professionals for nine months, I was pretty much on my own once I left hospital.

I gave birth late on a Sunday evening and didn’t really feel like I knew what was expected of me at the hospital once I became a mum. Not long after I gave birth I passed out in a bathroom, and after being found on the floor I was taken to what I thought was a side room with my husband and daughter (it was in fact another birthing suite). We settled down for the night, only to be woken up in the early hours in order for Effie and I to be moved to the main ward and Adam to be chucked out. Then when I woke early the next morning an imposing ward sister immediately told me how childbirth was miracle of God because the babies didn’t drown in the birth canal. Even as a church goer I was puzzled by this overtly evangelical approach and it just added to the confusion I was feeling.

It kind of went downhill from there. Whilst all the other mums on the ward were assisted with bathing their new babies, my nurse proceeded to bath Effie for me before taking the bath away and leaving me with my naked brand new girl who promptly did a sticky black poo all over the bed sheets. I panicked at the awful mess on the nice white sheets and asked for help cleaning her up; they gave me a small kidney bowl of water and some cotton wool balls. When my mother rang the nurses station to see how I was, all I could say to her was “Get Adam. Now.”




Any confidence I had started to seep away. I was finding it hard to feed Effie for starters. The intimidating nurse told me I should breast feed naked (and she meant me being naked, not the baby) and she told me off when I didn’t heed her advice despite me being on an open ward. Weeks before at my breast feeding workshop I had been assured that no one would leave hospital without having mastered the art of breastfeeding, but after two other nurses (including the lady from the breast feeding workshop) had simultaneously struggled to get Effie to latch properly I was quietly allowed to go home.

When I left hospital I was told a midwife would come and visit me at home that day, but she didn’t arrive until 5:30pm and only came when my Mum told me to ring up and find out where on earth she had got to. At that point I realised that Adam and I were very much in charge of our own destiny and no one outside of our family was going to help us much.

As it panned out I didn’t meet any other mums because I returned to full-time work after six months, and during my maternity leave I couldn’t find a local baby and toddler group that was open to babies under six months. Once I did go back to work Effie was at nursery full-time in a place based at my husband’s workplace, so I didn’t even drop her off or pick her up, and therefore couldn’t meet any mums at nursery either. It sounds obvious now, but I just assumed I’d get some support or help with finding some other parenting groups because the whole looking-after-a-very-small-person-thing was pretty much new territory to me. The reality was that I felt very much on my own and quite isolated and even now I don’t like to ask for help too much when it comes to childcare.

Taking your child home for the first time: Driving Effie home in our tiny lime green Volkswagen seemed the most perilous and reckless act anyone could have ever committed (even if I had read all the Which? magazine safety reports for baby carriers). Thankfully, once I got home I was quickly joined by both sets of grandparents and I was able to tackle important questions with the two matriarchs such as, ‘Do you think I will ever be able to go to the toilet again?’ and ‘Do you think I should have gone upstairs instead of trying to breastfeed in the living room in front of my father-in-law?’.

My mother stayed for a week which was just completely amazing. Her only advice was that we should get into a routine as quickly as possible (just because we would be on our own most of the time) and she spent the rest of the time cooking and cleaning for us. Her continued mantra of routine, routine, routine seemed ridiculous at the time but was probably the reason we stayed sane during those first few months.

Effie lost more weight than she should have due to my dire problems breastfeeding and the midwives visits were infrequent because I looked like I was ok, so I had no one I could talk to about if face to face. I had had it drummed into me right from the start of my pregnancy how very, very important breastfeeding was so I didn’t want to give up even though my baby was failing to gain any weight and each feeding session ended with both Effie and I in tears. Eventually my GP sister got on the phone and told me to get in the car and go and buy some formula. It was absolutely the advice I needed. It was the moment when I started to not only love feeding my baby but also to love being a mum. 



The best/worst advice: I was genuinely worried about giving up breastfeeding. When I told my midwife what I had decided to do she instantly told me that she had never been able to master it (well now you tell me!) but I was still convinced I was going to get dirty looks when out bottle-feeding. That didn’t happen, but I did find myself trying to stop breastfeeding without being given any proper advice on how to do it, something which appalled female friends from my mum’s generation. I had absolutely no idea how you stopped producing milk and the midwife just said to go cold turkey and take ibuprofen, and on no account release any milk to ease the pressure. I didn’t entirely manage this but at the suggestion of a friend of mine, I did end up buying several savoy cabbages so I could pop the leaves down my bra - which were bizarrely wonderful in easing the pain.

It’s stuff like this that makes me incredibly frustrated. Sometimes in order to get an important message across we can end up alienating people and making them feel guilty if they can’t meet those demands. At my birthing class we were told that bottle feeding would not be discussed because, “if you want to do it you just need to read the packet” but when I started bottle feeding I didn’t even know you could get teats with different sized holes because no health professionals felt they could discuss it.

The best advice can be the worst advice, and my advice to friends who have got pregnant has always been, try what’s ‘best’ and if that doesn’t work for you then look at other options, but don’t beat yourself up about what you can or cannot achieve. It applies to a lot of things in life, and parenthood, if nothing else, is all about compromise.

The hardest parts of being a mother: I was told that having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into your relationship (true) and that the first 18 months are the hardest (also true), but I think that hardest thing is finding your motherhood path. I went back to work full-time for four years and sent Effie to a great nursery, but I remember seeing a photo at a parents’ evening of her using chopsticks at nursery and being completely guilt ridden that I didn’t even know she could do that. My work life balance was pretty rubbish for a long time but my employer has an amazing flexible working scheme which now means I work term-time only so getting home late and missing dinner with her in the week (using chopsticks, obviously) doesn’t matter when I know I’ll spend every day of the holidays with her.

It’s finding what’s right for you that’s hardest, because everyone does things differently and has different support networks and priorities. I think finding your own pattern is the biggest challenge for most of us.

The best parts of being a mother: It sounds like I’ve moaned a lot when in fact I have never regretted for a second being a mother. I still remember to this day the moment when I looked at my daughter and thought “Oh my God, I never realised how much my mother loves me”. I can’t say I particularly miss the baby years because I mostly love the interaction I have with my child which obviously develops more and more over time. I love sharing stuff with my daughter. We read lots together but I also like to share art, archive telly and music with her too. I refuse to believe that you have to bring your child up on godawful music (there’s a place for Bob the Builder records, but don’t let it dominate your car journeys) and I do feel a little bit proud that my seven year old has a genuine love of Mazzy Star, Ivor Cutler, Richard Hawley and The Dutch Uncles.

The other thing that makes my heart swell with a warm glow is seeing my daughter enjoying spending time with her friends (although this may well change in future years if they all stay out late without telling me). I don’t want to not be needed but I love it that Effie has her own little network now and she has her own interests and priorities. I am hugely aware that in a minute she’ll be all grown up and going to gigs on her own (please not One Direction) and that maybe she won’t want to cuddle me any more so I am making the most of her childhood. It’ll be gone in the blink of an eye, I’m sure of that.

Hopes for your family: Without wishing to sound morbid my hope is that we stay a family for a very long time. A family friend lost her life to a sudden illness a few years ago leaving behind two young children and it is incredibly heartbreaking to think that she is going to miss seeing them grow up and become adults, and they in turn have lost their lovely, kind mother. I think of her a lot and can’t really get my head round how life can be quite so cruel. I can’t bear the thought of not seeing Effie grow up so with that in mind I try and cherish every moment.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Well apart from my mother’s “Routine, Routine, Routine” (it’s hard but it does make life easier in the long run, especially if you don’t have much of a support network.) I’d say just try and find your own path and don’t be too disheartened if you’re finding it hard to do what other people seem to be doing easily. Everyone has different challenges in their lives and no child is the same. On a personal note, I’d also like to add that it’s ok to give your kid a proper telling off, even in public or in front of friends and family. We were quite strict with Effie when she was little (why have a naughty step when you can have a naughty corner? Every shop in town has a corner) and we now have a child who can politely sit through a restaurant meal or a long church service without legging it and doing five laps of the building. I’d love to be her best mate, but I’m her mum and I think it’s important to act like that (sometimes). I think not always being chilled out pays dividends. Although of course, I’d prefer it if you didn’t quote that back to me when she’s a stroppy 16 year old though...

Emma can be found on Twitter as https://twitter.com/Missus_IP

 

Lisa and Eben

Name: Lisa

Child: Eben aged 9

Location: Wakefield, West Yorkshire

Expectations of motherhood: I was petrified when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and I was no longer with the father. It wasn’t so much the practicalities that bothered me - I'd spent the first few years of my working life in nurseries and as a nanny, so I was prepared for the realities of caring for a child. It was the financial implications of raising a child that worried me. 

At the time I was working in a call centre and wasn’t earning a fortune. I knew that having a child and being able to be a parent to that child would mean me reducing my hours. I worked hard throughout my pregnancy to add to what savings I had. I wanted to give us a good start, but I do feel like I missed out on enjoying the pregnancy. Things like appointments with the midwife meant taking time off work and that bothered me, but looking back on it I wish I had savoured that time.

Reality of motherhood: Eben was due on the 27th of the month and surely enough my contractions started that day. They weren’t regular contractions though, and ended up in slow labour for 2 days. I finally made the phone call to my friend and birthing partner around 4am on the 29th to tell her that I was ready to go to the hospital, and following another 18 hours of active labour Eben finally graced us with his presence. I recall looking down at him as he was laid on to my stomach, he turned his tiny head and looked me straight in the eyes with an expression that seemed to say, “What took you so long?!” 
It hit me at that point that my life would never be the same again. 

Taking him home: He slept through the night at the hospital and after making sure he was feeding ok we were allowed home that afternoon. I couldn’t wait to leave the hospital as all the other babies on the ward seemed to do nothing but cry. I just wanted some time alone with my little bundle. 

I was living with my mum at the time and I remember getting to her house, putting down the car seat and just looking at him sleeping, wondering what to do next. We weren’t left wondering for long though, as the crying started shortly afterwards and continued almost non-stop for several weeks. He hated to be left alone and wanted to be held constantly and walked around, which apart from being impractical was also exhausting. At one point I left him to cry in his cot and sat outside the bedroom door. I was in tears just praying that he would settle down, but he cried so hard that he made himself sick. I felt like the worst mother in the world for allowing that to happen. 

If it hadn’t been for my mum I simply wouldn’t have coped. We used to take it in turns to eat, so that the other could pace the floor with him. If she hadn’t been there to cook I probably would have survived on biscuits. 

Eben didn’t like to sleep - he would only do so for an hour or so at a time - and the best way to get him to sleep was to feed him, but frustratingly this was the one time I didn’t want him to go to sleep! I was breastfeeding him and within minutes of him latching on he’d be fast asleep. The silence was much welcomed, but I knew he wasn’t getting enough to eat, so he’d be awake again in no time. I suffered it for a few weeks and then decided to express my milk and bottle feed him, partially so I could see exactly how much milk he was getting and partially so my mum could do some of the feeds. This way I could at least get a shower without worrying that he’d start screaming for a feed as soon as I turned the water on.

We stayed with my mum until he was about 6 months old, by which time I felt we needed our own space – it was hard to be a mother and a daughter under the same roof. The daytime crying eventually stopped but the sleeping problems continued, and most nights I would resort to driving around to get him to sleep - often more than once in the same night! 

By 10 months I had to go back to work and I wept as I left Eben with a childminder for the first time. It was only 16 hours a week, but it was hard to do at first. I’m glad I did it though, even though I was going to work it was ‘my’ time and I actually considered it a break. By the time Eben was 18 months old I’d had enough of the constant waking up in the night - I was only getting on average around 4 hours sleep a night and It was taking it’s toll. I took him to see the doctor several times and was constantly fobbed off being told that he needed a routine and would eventually settle down, but he never did. 

On about our 5th visit to the doctor we got to see a student doctor who actually listened to what I had to say and examined Eben. The student doctor came to the conclusion that he had problems with his adenoids. We were referred to the local ENT hospital where it was confirmed both his adenoids and his tonsils were enlarged, and because of his sleeping pattern they booked us in for an overnight stay to do some sleep studies. Eben was hooked up to a machine that monitored his oxygen saturation levels as he slept. The following morning I was told that Eben suffered from sleep apnea. When he was laid flat and relaxed, because his adenoids and tonsils were so big they would block his airway and stop him breathing. This was why he woke up crying all the time. I was so relieved to finally have an answer, but also worried that my child was in effect suffocating every time I put him down to sleep – no wonder he never wanted to sleep! 

The specialist we were under was not helpful and just wanted to monitor the situation saying that it wasn’t uncommon and that he would ‘grow into’ his adenoids. So we fell into a routine of overnight stays at the hospital every few months for sleep studies. The results never changed and I wasn’t happy as Eben was now at nursery and was constantly getting into trouble through his behaviour (which I put down to tiredness and lack of sleep) – I was constantly grouchy so it stood to reason that he would be too. 

I eventually went back to the doctors and asked for a second opinion. We saw another ENT specialist in York a few weeks later who upon simply hearing Eben breath stated that he needed his adenoids out. They couldn’t do it at York as they had no infant ICU (which they needed in case problems arose due to the apnea). We were then referred to Leeds and within a couple of months Eben was admitted. He had both his tonsils and adenoids removed and grommets also inserted into his ears (he also had problems with his hearing and speech due to the adenoids.) That night in the hospital, at 4 years of age my son finally slept through the night and has done so practically every night since. Hallelujah! 

Best and worst advice: The worst advice I was given (by my health visitor) was to leave Eben to cry so he would get used to being in his cot on his own. I know this method works for some but I still feel guilty about doing it to this day. 

The best advice received was not to be afraid to ask for help. No one wants to feel like they can’t cope, but in reality we all have days like that. Many a time when Eben was in that fun toddler stage where he would tantrum at the slightest thing and could not be pacified, I was often just too tired or short tempered to deal with him. I would strap him in the car, take him to my mums and just leave him there for an hour or so while I cooled off.

Hardest parts of being a mother: I grew up in a family where my mum was the caregiver and my dad was the bread winner and disciplinarian. In our family I have to take on both of those roles. It's taken me a long time to figure out how to maintain both roles though -especially the boundaries when it comes to discipline. When I was kid all it took was one sentence from my mum - “Just wait until your Dad gets home!” - Dad very rarely actually had to do anything when he got home though because just the thought of him coming home and being cross was enough to stop us doing whatever it was we were doing. 
I don’t have the luxury of using that sentence. I can come across as quite a strict parent, but when I say, 'No' to something I mean No and if I threaten a punishment I always follow through with it. I believe it is important for us both to know where the boundaries lay and why they are there. I don’t like being the bad guy, but fortunately I don’t have to play that role very often these days. 

I enjoy being a working mum, and as Eben has got older and moved through school I have moved into better jobs and gradually increased my hours accordingly, and now work full time. Eben goes to breakfast club before school and my mum used to pick him up for me after school, and he would hang out with her for a couple of hours until I finished work. Sadly my passed away suddenly last Summer and so now he also goes to an after school club every night. Add to that the fact that he also goes to a childminder during school holidays. I feel massively guilty that he spends a lot of his free time with other people - we do have holidays away together and lots of days out on weekends - but ideally I would like to be at home with him more.

The best parts of being a mother: The unconditional love that you both give and receive is by far the best thing ever. Eben recently went away for the week with school and when I met him off the coach on his return I was in tears and he was bouncing up and down with excitement to get to me and give me a cuddle. 

The enormous pride you feel in their every achievement be it their first steps or that one line in the school play. 

Seeing their character develop and recognising yourself in them – although that’s not always a good thing!

Watching them grow in to little people with their own minds and opinions and knowing that along the way you have been an influence in that.

Has becoming a mother changed you? Definitely! A close friend recently told me I was the most sensible person she knew – no one would have said that about me 10 years ago!

Hopes for your family: I always wanted a big family but in reality that’s not going to happen. I’m grateful that I have Eben and the fact that he’s an only child means that we are very close and we have a great relationship. I hope that we can maintain that as he grows older.

Advice to new and expectant mums: Take time to smell the roses. Life passes in the blink of an eye and children grow so quickly that you will soon wonder where your baby went. Take photos, lots of photos of everything and cherish every moment – even the bleary eyed ones at 3am. (And if you can’t already then learn to drive just in case you’re still bleary eyed at 4am).