Nicola, Douglas and Angus

Name: Nicola

Children: Douglas, 4 years and Angus, 1 year

Location: Withington

Previous blog entry: http://www.themothers.co.uk/2013/05/nicola-and-douglas.html

Life since the last blog post: I was about 5 months pregnant at the last post. Since then we have moved house, Douglas started pre-school, potty training happened (yuk!), and Angus was born. Now Douglas has started school and I've started back working more fully (I work for myself) since. It's been hectic, but great, and I feel very fortunate to have two healthy, happy kids.

Motherhood since last being on the blog: Obviously it's different and a little more taxing being a mum of two than a mum of one, however the second child really is a walk in the park compared to your 1st. You have done it before so the ability to trust your instincts is there and you just don't fret about the little things the way you do with your first - or the way I did at least. I still worry about Douglas more than Angus in a way. I suppose everything he does is always going to be the firsts! His tantrums, his potty training, his night terrors, his settling in at school - these have all been bigger sources of stress than anything with Angus. I'm hoping that I will take all of these things in my stride with Angus when the time comes but we shall see. It seems like your 1st child is a bit of an experiment! 

Having 2 of the same gender helps, but Angus is very different to Douglas in that he is way more physical at a younger age. I do have my challenges with him. There were no stair gates or cupboard locks at this age with Douglas! He sleeps better though (touch wood) so perhaps that's down to him exhausting himself! Perhaps it's down to us being more relaxed, and so jumping less when he stirs. Or perhaps that that is just how he is. Who knows. They certainly don't come with manuals! He is his own person and I've stopped trying to find reasons for things. My kids just wake up at night and that's it!

Has motherhood changed you? More than anything else in my life ever has, or I think probably ever will. It's a gradual change from the minute you hold your baby. But I like to think I am still me and I think for a while I lost that after Douglas was born. I found the first few months very hard with Douglas and I'm happy to admit to feeling pretty blue on and off. I couldn't understand why as I thought I really ought to be grateful for having a new baby. I am sure it all sounds very familiar to lots of people reading this as I think there is a grey area in regards to post natal depression and the baby blues. I was so frightened to say I might feel down in case I was branded as having PND. I didn't have it, I don't think so anyway, and thank goodness. But I did definitely feel anxious for longer than the norm. But what is normal anyway? It's just a hard adjustment and no one can ever explain to you in advance how it might be. I think lots of new mums feel as I did. It's ok to say it.











There was one thing I did to try to combat this second time round and I would like to talk about that here. I decided to keep my placenta and have it dried and made into capsules. I had heard about this after having Douglas and I swore I would try it if I had another child. We are the only mammals that don't consume our placentas after childbirth, I think. 

At the last minute I decided, in for a penny, in for a pound, and I decided to have it made into a smoothie on the advice of the IPN specialist that I had booked. This sounds nuts and grim I know, but it really didn't taste of anything other than the berries she blended it with and I was consuming my own bacteria from my own body so it's not dangerous. The hospital (Wythenshawe) were fully supportive of us keeping the placenta in fact my midwife was very pro it. After what was a tough birth with Angus (I opted for a natural birth after a C-section with my first child so it was like a first labour for me) I can honestly say I healed very well, my milk came in easily and quickly and I felt way better mentally than I had 1st time round. It could be a placebo effect or it could be that the placenta smoothie worked. I'd do it again if I had another. I know the government want to ban it and I thoroughly disagree. So anyone out there who fancies trying it I would say do it. I used the Independent Placenta Network for it.

Hardest parts of being a mother: Relentlessness. That's all; just that one word. It is relentless. Sometimes you just feel like you need a break.

Best parts of being a mother: All the rest. 

It's so, so, so rewarding to me now, on top of all the things I said about having Douglas in the last post, to see my 2 boys interact as little people. I thought the gap of 3 and a half years would perhaps be an issue until they were much older but already I see how Douglas cares for his brother and how Angus is developing so quickly as he watches everything Dougie does. It's so sweet to watch and it makes my heart swell with pride and love every time I catch a secret glimpse of them playing together.

What you wish you’d known before having children: That sleep deprivation is used as form of torture for good reason...I think maybe I said that in my last post too!

Any more advice for mothers and expectant mums? I think I've probably said plenty above about baby blues, placentas etc. but really for me I would say try to trust your instincts. You are usually right. And if you aren't it's no biggy! 

Plus try to let other comments pass you by. I had an old lady in Sainsbury's tell me I was a bad mother for leaving Angus asleep in a baby trolley seat strapped in while I walked 3 paces away to get some milk! It's best to ignore those people! They've nothing better to do. Sadly I had only had about 4 hours sleep so she got a mouthful from me!

Extra info:

I would also recommend Anna at http://www.yoga4pregnancy.co.uk for local Didsbury and Cheshire mums, her pre and postnatal classes are great and she is a huge calming influence!

Nicola sells handmade Weddings accessories online at www.silversixpenceinhershoe.co.uk. 

For more info regarding Placentas go to Independent placenta network online.

Carly, Oliver and Jack

Name: Carly 

Children: Oliver, 4 (going on 40!) and Jack, 5 weeks

Location: Ramsbottom

Expectations of motherhood: That it would all come naturally.

Reality of motherhood: It is sometimes a thankless task and does not come naturally. You constantly worry about whether you're doing the right thing!

Taking your children home for the first time: With the first child it was so daunting - they actually let you loose with a human being? We must have asked the question, "What is that cry for?" about 15 times within the first 24 hours of being home. 

The 2nd child just fits in to the routine and you do whatever it takes to settle them (even if it is against current advice). The people giving out advice aren't the ones listening to a screaming 1 day old at 3am (hoping they don't wake the other child who will be up at 6 am anyway demanding breakfast, a drink, a tv show etc).

The Best advice: Do what is right for you and don't care what others think; a happy mum and a happy baby are the most important things (said to me by a GP).

The worst advice: Breast is best! (not in all cases)

Hardest part of being a mum: I am a working mum and constantly feel like I never have time. I sometimes have a sense of guilt that I rush everything, and feel like all I say is hurry up and eat you breakfast, hurry up and get dressed. It is a constant juggle of housework, childcare, working and trying to enjoy family life.

The best part of being a mum: When your hardwork seems to pay off and you have a kind, helpful child who others comment positively on (they don't see the tantrums), and the cuddles and the phrases, "You are the best mum," and, "I love you more than chocolate".

Has becoming a mum changed me? Yes. The needs of my children come before anything else. I am also more stressed since becoming a mum; I want things done sooner rather than later and have less patience!

Hopes for my family: I want to give my children everything I never had has a child and I would love my children, once older, to say they had a happy, fun-filled childhood with parents who loved each other and them.

Advice for other mums/new mums: Parenting does not always come naturally for some mums - I have to work hard at being a mum. Don't ever feel guilty abut having adult time. I feel going back to work and working full-time makes me a better mum. I appreciate the time I spend with my kids more; when I was off work, with them, towards the end of the day I would be counting down the hours until bedtime. Now I treasure that time. 

Me working sets a good example to my kids and also makes them able to be more independent and confident with other people. 

To new mums: not all mums automatically feel that rush of love that everyone tells you that you should as soon as you hold your baby. It does come, but I was in too much shock from the labour to feel anything but this!

About me: I am 31 and work full-time (contracted for 38 hours but more like 50 hours a week). I am a manager at a wholesaler and love to work; hats off to full time mums - I could never do it! I am very talkative and friends can rarely get a word in edgeways! I am also quite opinionated, however I can appreciate other peoples opinions. I am very choosy when it comes to the people I bring into my life and therefore I only have a select few people that I would class as close friends. I try my best to have fun as a mum but I am the strict one in our family and will push my son to learn and behave. My husband is always the good cop (slightly frustrating at times). 

Sally, Faith and Ethan

Name: Sally

Children: Faith, 4 years 

and Ethan, 9 weeks

Location: Salford 

Expectations of Motherhood: I've worked with children for my entire adult life so I felt pretty confident about having a baby, I knew all the practicalities and thought that the emotions would come easily. Having a baby was also in no way going to change my life at all, the baby would have to come along to whatever I was doing and everything would be beautiful. 

Faith was so wanted so I was really ready to be a mum and just couldn't wait to get on with it.

Reality of Motherhood: Oh where to start! You know after the Duchess of Cambridge appeared outside the hospital hours after giving birth, looking amazing and smiley and perfect? It's nothing like that. Motherhood is fraught and scary and demanding. Don't get me wrong, it's the most amazing thing you'll ever do, but it takes you to unknown places and in ways you can only imagine. For me I had times, when Faith was a baby, of forgetting who I was. Everything was about her and making sure she was constantly happy and not crying, it was exhausting, it still is on occasion, but now I have a better balance.

Around three months after Faith was born I think post-natal depression kicked in. This wasn't part of my plan. I wasn't going to get this because I worked with children, I knew what I was doing, so I denied it. 

I lived, probably for the best part of 18 months, with an intense sense of doom, I KNEW something would happen to my child, it was always there, like I couldn't give anyone the normal version of me because I constantly felt that I lived in a tin can of despair. I also felt that the sleepless nights and the intensity of our relationship would never improve! I remember an aunt saying that her son didn't sleep through until he was 18 months and I felt devastated that it could take this long (as it happens Faith took three years to sleep through in the end!). I never spoke about this and I never had any help. So when Ethan came along I thought I'd end up down the same path, but so far so good. 

Having a four year gap is like starting again though, I'd forgotten so much in that time, fortunately (or unfortunately maybe) it doesn't take long to remember! 

Second time around and Ethan really has had to fit into family life. It helps that he's a really chilled little boy, whilst not as demanding as Faith, the sleepless nights are still no prettier!

You find yourself wishing your baby's life away, I really did with Faith and I couldn't wait for the next milestone, but with Ethan I don't feel like that. I'm enjoying him being a baby and I'm fairly sure the lack of sleep wont last forever. He's my last baby and I want to savour him.

Taking your children home for the first time: I planned a home birth with both of my children so never intended to 'go home' with either. However, neither home birth was meant to be and I was induced in hospital with both. 

I remember getting home with Faith, putting her in a Moses basket and thinking 'what am I meant to do with her?'. It felt crazy that someone had allowed me to be in charge of such a tiny thing.

With Ethan it was completely different. My first thought was, 'Have we got something in for Faith's tea?' and 'Can I have a snooze before she gets home'!
Bringing Ethan home was like completing a circle; our family is complete and he is the final piece, so it felt less overwhelming and more celebratory.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I had was no advice. Despite reading all the books and my years of experience with children, there were so many times when I felt completely clueless. I'd cry on the phone to my mum about what I should do, and she never advised me, she'd ask what I wanted to do and told me to do it. You already have a gut feeling about what you think is best and I think going with that feeling is the best advice anyone can give.

The hardest parts of being a mother: When I was 27 weeks pregnant with Ethan, my own mother passed away. She'd been diagnosed with Lymphoma for about a year and we knew it wasn't going to end well, but nobody expected it to happen at that time. Since then it's been a rough road, there have been ups and downs and I am so very sad that she never got to meet Ethan. She was the only person to say he'd be a boy because she'd had a dream about him and I take comfort from this, it's like she had a sense of him before he came. 

It's hard not having my mum here to share both Faith and Ethan's every achievement with, I still think how I must text her about something that one of them has done and then remember that I can't, so it's like an ongoing grieving cycle. Faith also had a close relationship with her so dealing with her grief has been, at times, difficult. She asked one day if Mamar (from not being able to say Grandma) had a mobile phone with the angels because she wanted to tell her that she loved her.
My mum was the type of mum I aspire to be, she was gentle, loving and strong and I hope that I will be the same.

The best parts of being a mother: Producing two amazing little people is pretty awesome! Getting to know them both, learning things about them and things about me is a lifelong journey I look forward to treading.
I cherish so many moments, from the way only I can soothe Faith after a scraped knee to the little 'in' jokes we have and how we're introducing Ethan to the ways of our family. It's no bed of roses at all, but like everything in life, you have to take the rough with the smooth.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Without a doubt! Sometimes I look at my life now and it's unrecognisable. I never thought I'd embrace family life but I have and I wouldn't change any aspect of that. I like spending time with my children, I used to look forward to getting drunk at weekends, now I'm looking forward to going to see Disney on Ice! This isn't to say my life revolves around them, I'd still snap the hand off a babysitter and I still like a night out, it's just that they're rarer treats nowadays. 

I think Children are a great gift but they change everything you know about life as you know it; it's a celebration and a mourning all at the same time. You have to pick yourself up and put yourself back together in some ways, there's still everything there that makes you you, it's just that you're in a different order to before. 

Hopes for your family: My mum always said that being happy was one of the most important things in life and I stand by this. I don't care what they do or who they are I just want them to be happy. Life is far too short not to be.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Basically, go with the flow, don't sweat it and it won't always be like that. It's hard to see a way out during the difficult times but one day you'll look back and laugh (or maybe cry!).