Katy, Joseph and Eliza

Name: Katy 

Children: Joseph, 3 years old, Eliza, 11 days old

Location: Heaton Chapel

Expectations of Motherhood: I thought I had a pretty good idea of how much my life would change when I became a mummy. I think I'd been told pretty much on a daily basis (especially whilst at work) how much of a shell shock it could be. I still had my own fantasy though, Sitting serenely with my little baby, cuddling for hours on end!

Reality of Motherhood: It was a shell shock! I'd managed to stay fairly laid back during the pregnancy and birth of Joseph, but as soon as the reality set in that he was actually mine, I did my own head in! 

I work as a midwife so I had an internal conflict going on between my Mummy brain and my Midwife brain. I'd read the textbooks but clearly my baby hadn't! The breastfeeding went a bit pear shaped, and I felt so guilty for supplementing with formula and then giving up completely a few moths down the line. I felt in a way that my body had let me down at the last minute, I'd been able to grow and bring a baby into the world but then to not be able to nourish him completely was devastating. That combined with issues with healing after the birth and then my mum being diagnosed with a brain tumour when Joseph was 6 weeks old meant that my mood was on a downward spiral. Eventually, not being able to see me cry any more, my lovely brave mum marched me off to the GP! It was so hard to admit how I was feeling. It felt like I should have been able to just cope with it all, like somehow I should have been immune to postnatal depression because of my job. 

Which is ridiculous I know! After starting on antidepressants I slowly started to feel brighter again, and more like myself. I began to bond with Joseph more, and I suddenly got loads of motivation to get out and about. I joined a postnatal fitness class where Joseph came with me in the pram, we did lots of mum and baby classes and we met up regularly with a group of local mums who were all so lovely and non-judgemental. 

I really loved my year off with Joseph in the end and I was sad to have to go back to work and leave him. We are really lucky in a way that because my husband and I work shifts, we are able to work alternate days and therefore not have to fork out for childcare. It helped with the anxiety off leaving Joseph too as I knew he would be perfectly fine with Daddy. (They love their boys days!) After a few weeks of settling back into work I decided to wean off my antidepressants (with my GP's support). Thankfully I've continued to be on a good place since then. 

Second time round I think I'm more chilled out about it all. Not that I'm saying I've got it all sussed out yet (Eliza's not even 2 weeks old as I'm writing this!) but I'm determined to try and just go with the flow. We've been hit by more feeding issues after the dreaded tongue-tie strikes again, We are persevering but just taking one day at a time. I had such a positive birth experience and I've felt so well physically after Eliza's birth, I think that has played a major part of how I'm feeling in my mood. And when you feel happier in yourself I think it's easier to cope with what life can throw at you. 

Taking your children home for the first time: After seeing hundreds of women go home with their new babies, all bundled up in their shiny new car seats, it's so surreal to be doing it yourself. When we brought Joseph home from the hospital I felt like I'd literally stolen a baby from work! I kept looking for reassurance, like, 'Are you sure I'm allowed to be doing this?' 

With Eliza it was a little more, I don't want to say stressy, maybe busy! Not only did we have a newborn to wrestle into a car seat, but we had Joseph with us too! He's such a good boy, but very curious. The moment our back was turned he was nearly diving into the clinical waste bin! 'Ooh mummy, what's in here?!' We managed it though and it was so nice to get home and begin our new lives as a family of four. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The hardest part of being a mother for me is the guilt; the constant worrying and second guessing whether I'm doing the right thing or not. I mentioned above that we don't have Joseph in a nursery or with a childminder. It would have been logistically difficult for us to get him there and pick him up with us both working antisocial hours, and obviously cost was a big factor. 

It's been lovely to spend so much time with him, but I've found myself feeling so guilty about it. Was he missing out on interaction with other children and adults other than us? Was I holding him back? Was I going to delay his development? It sometimes feels like you can't do right for doing wrong. 

The best/worst advice: The best advice I was given was to ignore everyone's advice! As soon as you tell anyone your expecting you get bombarded with well meaning advice. I think it's a case of listening to everything and trying to work out what works for you as a family. And what works at one point might not work at a later stage. So for us it's been about being fluid. 

I can't actually think what's the worst advice. What I think is a stupid idea, someone might think is a genius one! 

The best parts of being a mother: The best part of being a mummy has to be the unbelievable love. I'm head over heels in love with my hubby but my goodness, the love I feel for my little ones is something else. The feeling that you'd do absolutely anything for them. I didn't feel it right away with Joseph, and that was another thing I felt guilty about! But it grew and grew. The early days are so hard when you feel like your giving absolutely everything of yourself to this little being, and all they do is eat, poop and sleep (sometimes!) in return. But when they start to give a little back, that's when it gets really good! Even if it's just a little windy smile or now Joseph is a little older, when he says something cute like, 'Aw mummy, your so beautiful' it just melts my heart! 

Has becoming a mother changed you? Absolutely! It's hard to remember what life was like before having the little ones. In a good way! I think it's changed me at work too. I'm not saying for the better, that always got on my nerves when people say you've got to have kids to be a good midwife. But it has certainly changed the way I talk to parents now. I think having gone through it myself and totally feeling like I was bumbling along with it all, I want to give new mums and dads that reassurance that's it's ok to feel that way too.

Hopes for your family: I hope that we settle into our new lives as a family of four. That they grow up to be happy and healthy in whatever direction they choose to go in. Who knows we might even add one more into the mix!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Enjoy it, be present in it all. (I'm guilty of not following my own advice here!) listen to everyone's opinions, smile and then do your own thing with what feels right for you.

Helen and Maeby

Name: Helen 

Child: Maeby, 20 months

Location: Levenshulme

Expectations of Motherhood: Honestly, I thought I'd be pretty crap - or, if not crap, exactly, then I thought I'd find the transition a lot harder than I did. Which is not to say I've found it easy, far from it, but let's just say I had (fairly justifiably, based on 30-odd years of prior experience!) low expectations of my ability to act unselfishly when I needed to.

I've also got a pretty chequered mental health history and I was fairly certain that would come to the fore in the form of post-natal depression and was somewhat bracing myself for the worst. Thankfully education around mental health issues in motherhood is very much better than it used to be and I was supported throughout my pregnancy and made to feel like support would be there if I needed it when the baby came. 

All of that was coupled with a sense of fear about my ability to love my baby - I think a lot of people harbour secret doubts as to whether they will really be capable of loving a child - pregnancy feels so abstract and the testimonials of what comes after seem to veer so wildly between gushing and horrific it feels completely impossible to get a grip on what the reality will actually be *like*. All of that makes you wonder why on earth I wanted to have a baby...and honestly, I don't know, reading that back! 

I love my partner very much and we enjoy each others' company immensely, I think we wanted to let someone else in to enjoy the fun we have, but all of the above should signal that I went into the whole thing with some serious trepidation.

Reality of Motherhood: As a caveat to what I am about to say I want to be clear that I know I have been very lucky - and I want to emphasise that I am aware it is pure luck - the vast majority of women don't have the experience that I have had and that's not down to anything they or I have done differently, it's just the luck of the draw and for no discernible reason I came out of that well.

So with that said...it's been the most enjoyable thing I have ever done. I was induced at term because of some minor, low-risk complications in the pregnancy and for me that translated into a short labour that was painful but well managed with medication and from that point onward I became a walking example of every cliche I had ever heard about birth and motherhood. 

No post natal depression ever materialised and I fell in love with Maeby almost immediately and that love, mixed with some kickass hormones doing their thing for the first few months, meant that any abandonment of selfishness happened without me really noticing - all of a sudden I became utterly focused on my child and her needs. Of course there were difficult nights and utter exhaustion but it just seemed so completely inconsequential when set against the joy of her - seeing her grow, feeling her weight, watching my partner blossom into a truly exceptional father. 

About three months into my pregnancy I posted on mumsnet (first mistake, right there) that I was irritated that someone had told me having a child would be, "the best thing you will ever do" (as opposed to my professional or personal achievements that didn't just require some unprotected sex to get off the ground) and got an unsurprising amount of ire back in return. Now I get it. I have done and will do many more things in my life that make me proud but none of them will make me feel like this. 

On the flip side of this parental bliss, within a few months of being on maternity leave I had also learned some truths about myself - namely that I am someone who needs mental stimulation in the form of work in order to be happy in the home - that's a nice way to say I was climbing the walls and grateful at the end of my mat leave. That's OK and it's not selfish - I am a far better mother for being happy in myself and work is a big part of that for me personally (but not for everyone and not everyone has the privilege of being able to work that I do either).

Taking your child home for the first time: Because of my complications me and Maeby stayed in overnight after she was born so we'd already had a night alone together on the ward - which began in fine style as she filled her first nappy precisely 30 seconds after my mum and partner left to get some sleep and at the exact moment I realised I'd never changed a nappy. I think that might be a good metaphor for new motherhood in itself. 

I muddled through, with the help of a kindly nurse who told me that, no, the tabs aren't meant to have actual glue on them but promised me they would work anyway. I was dubious then and I remain so today. 

Maeby was born at the end of May and overnight there was a big summer storm with thunder and lightening - she mostly slept and fed through the night but I was too wired to sleep so I watched it raging from the window and felt simply amazed at the world. 

We were told we were ready to be discharged by lunchtime but there was a staff shortage and being the good middle class NHS lovers we are we kept telling the staff to take their time...we were discharged at 3am. Taxi home and my lovely mum had stocked our fridge with food so we took a picnic to bed and just stared and stared and stared at our little friend.

The best/worst advice: The best advice came from the many wonderful mothers in my life: do what you want. There is so much weight put on the importance of ensuring you're doing the right thing at all times but every kid is different, every mum is different, every day is different, and everyone's definition of "right" is different - if it works and you're happy don't beat yourself up about it. Also buy lots of biscuits and store up the box sets of stuff you want to watch for the post birth month - makes getting up at 3am almost pleasurable.

The worst advice is something I've heard pedalled time and time again - "sleep when they sleep". The problem with that is that you don't know how long they're going to sleep for - I've always wished that babies would display some sort of digital countdown-to-wakeup clock once they're asleep so you could at least decide whether to bother starting something instead of convincing yourself they're just about to wake up and sitting on the sofa for three hours (not in itself a bad thing, but frustrating when you've lots to do). 

When you're truly sleep deprived the definition of hell is following the "sleep when they sleep" advice, closing your eyes for five minutes only to be woken up - yet again - by a screaming child. No. Just, no.

The hardest parts of being a mother:
The not knowing: not knowing if you will get a decent night's sleep; not knowing if you will have a battle on your hands or a pleasant evening; not knowing if it's worth spending thousands of pounds on a family holiday or whether you should stay at home because you'll be miserable and/or ill; but most of all the not knowing - ever - if you're doing the right thing by them. 

To go back to the work analogy - if I have a work project that I am passionate about I will throw everything I can at making sure that I understand the implications of every action on that project, with kids you can't do that and I am far more passionate than I ever have been about anything at work. It kills me.

The best parts of being a mother:

Seeing my little scrap emerging into this funny, interested, imaginative little person - nothing beats it. Something that's surprised me is the camaraderie amongst parents, online and in person - I'm a member of several groups in both spaces which have genuinely helped when I needed it most.

Has becoming a mother changed you?

Yes. I am a determined person but having Maeby has somehow galvenised that determination and I am much more action-orientated. I am far more patient, by necessity, and I am far more driven to make things happen and do good work. I'm not sure how much of that is *for* her and how much is resultant from the experience of bringing her into the world and recognising that, despite my misgivings, I am actually very good at loving her.

Hopes for your family: Cliche alert: when I was pregnant I remember describing to a friend how I hoped she would be funny, clever, brave etc and my friend interjected with a gentle nudge "..and happy?". I dismissed that because I didn't realise how much it would come to mean to me - it's all I want - for her to be happy - what we do as a familly is all motivated by that at it's heart. In a way it's given me a purpose I think I lacked before.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?:

Oh my god, just do what works for you! If you want to breastfeed, if you can't breastfeed, if you want to use disposable nappies, if you want to stay at home, if you want or even need to go back to work three weeks after they're born: it. Is. Fine. 

You being happy is going to have far more bearing on how happy they are than whether they eat organic food or not - just concentrate on that and the rest will fall into place. And remember that anyone who offers you advice only has their experience - their children (or not!) - to base that advice on - it's not the law, it's just what worked for them, if it doesn't work for you it doesn't mean you've failed, it means your kid is a glorious, frustrating little person all of their very own.

Helen is one of the founder directors of Levenshulme Market and for a day job work in communications for The University of Manchester.

Olly and Genevieve

Name: Olly 

Child: Genevieve, 18 months

Location: Cheadle

Expectations of Motherhood: I don't think I had thought beyond pregnancy to be honest. We spent four years and four rounds of IVF trying to conceive so I think for such a longtime my focus was ~getting~ pregnant. I kind of hadn't thought about what would happen once I was pregnant and once the baby arrived. I guess I had a very romanticised idea of summer walks with a pram and a cute smiley baby but no substance behind it. I knew I leaned towards *crunchy mom* but it was all a bit distant and unreal to delve into until it was really happening. 

Reality of Motherhood: I've never been more exhausted or happier in my life. I'd heard about how sometimes you don't bond straight away and that it was ok and you love them as you get to know them. But that was not the case for me. As soon as I laid her against me I just adored her. 

With regards to my parenting style, I've stuck to my principles but I've also learned to go with the flow and to grow a hard skin. Everyone will have an opinion on everything you do. If you have done your own research and you are confident in your choice then smile and nod and ignore them. 

Taking your child home for the first time: My daughter was born at home (planned home birth). I have a very distinct memory of her first night after we all went to bed. She was laid on my left and my husband on my right and they were both snoring. It was lovely, but the novelty of that wore thin quickly.

The best/worst advice: Best advice was to hold her as much as I wanted and she wanted. Seriously, cuddle that baby. Inhale them and don't dare apologise for enjoying it. Worst advice was regarding early weaning in order to get more sleep. In fact, any advice about getting more sleep. What works for one baby won't work for them all and will just make you feel worse. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The loneliness is tough. It is something I did not foresee. Also the stress and worry; you will never be of peaceful mind again.

On a practical level I have struggled with weaning and food issues. My girl isn't big and she's not a great eater. It played on my mind for a long time that she wasn't getting enough. Then a fantastic book called 'My Child Won't Eat' was recommended to me and it really helped my mindset. 

The best part/s of being a mother: How can I choose just one thing? The cuddles and snotty kisses. The wonder in her eyes when she sees things that she hasn't before. Watching her learn new things. Knowing that when she's sad she wants me and that makes it better. 

When I take her out anywhere we ~always~ get people stopping to say how happy and lovely she is. That makes me want to burst with pride. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: Yes. It has changed my priorities, at least for the next few years. It has made me more passionate about making the world better for my daughter. It has made me more patient and relaxed. 

Hopes for your family: I would love another baby so that my girl can have someone on her team all of her life. But beyond that I want us to adventure together so that she is never afraid of doing new things alone when the time comes. I want my husband and I to demonstrate a healthy loving relationship so that she looks for the same thing and doesn't settle for less. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Trust your own instincts. Don't feel guilty about looking after yourself. Delegate to daddy or any other support you have. Ask for help if you need it. For anything and everything, from breastfeeding to PND.

Nabilah and Effie

Name: Nabilah

Child: Effie, Months

Location: Glossop
Expectations of Motherhood: I thought I had been around enough friends and family who have had children to give me an idea of what to expect. My partner has 2 children who stay with us part-time so I was used to having children around the house, and I had just about started to cope with this, so I thought I had a good idea of what was coming…….. How wrong I was. 

Reality of Motherhood: Motherhood is by far the hardest, most tiring and challenging thing I have ever done. It is also the most satisfying, enjoyable and fulfilling thing I have ever done. I now know I wasn’t prepared for how much my life was about to change. 

When you lie there looking at your baby and your heart could explode with how much love you have for her, knowing she is now your world. What you get back is worth it all.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was terrified and anxious. My partner had asked if we could go home the same day, I prayed for the midwife to say no, and thankfully she did. I needed a night under the watchful eye of the experts - surely they would give me some sort of test before I took this precious thing home to look after myself. 

The best/worst advice: The Worst advice was start as you mean to go on with baby; get into a routine asap and try to get out and about as soon as possible. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The unknown…. not knowing if you’re doing a good job, should you be doing something different, the lack of sleep, and the guilty feeling you get if you need timeout for yourself. 

The best parts of being a mother: All of it. Especially when she looks up at me and smiles or puts her hands out for a cuddle. I feel blessed that something so amazing as Effie has come into my world. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: More than I ever imagined. 

My worries are different, obviously, and my priorities have changed. I don’t remember life much before Effie. 

Hopes for your family: That we grow stronger together, having a great relationship and trusting each other. I hope to give Effie all that she needs and be the best I can be for her. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Trust your instincts. You know your baby better than anyone else. Don’t compare yourselves to new mums and your baby to new babies, you are individuals learning from each other. 

Gemma, Jac and Lola

Name: Gemma Roberts

Children: Jac 3 years, 8 months and Lola, 16 months

Location: Prestwich

Expectations of Motherhood: My expectations of having a baby and being at home were that it would be much easier than being at work. I couldn't wait to finish work and go on maternity leave so that I could have a "break"(!) 

I knew that our lives were going to change, but I don't think I fully anticipated quite how big that change would be. I thought that I would be able to get things done around the house, cook nice meals for my Husband to come home to and that my baby would just sleep most of the time and although I'd be tired, this little person would bring us so much love and joy that it would all be ok. I was right about the love and joy part, but I was so naive about everything else!

Reality of Motherhood: We had a bit of a traumatic time with breastfeeding. Although I really wanted to breastfeed Jac, I knew he wasn't getting enough milk - he didn't have wet nappies, he wasn't settled and he was losing weight every time the Midwife came to see us. Despite knowing that he wasn't getting enough. and despite my best efforts, I felt incredibly pressured to continue trying to breastfeed. I felt so much pressure that I refused to give him formula; my Midwife fed Jac his first bottle of it, and I sat and watched and cried. At one point, I was double-pumping using a hospital grade pump, taking domperidone and fenugreek tablets, using a supplementary nursing system to feed Jac, and then topping up with a bottle. Once the feeding cycle had ended, it was time to start the process again. I knew that we couldn't go on like this - I just wasn't enjoying it. Gradually, I stopped the pumping etc and Jac was combi fed for around 6 months before being on formula completely. 

It was honestly like a massive weight had been lifted and I began to enjoy my baby after my Midwife had given him his first bottle. He began putting weight on and having wet nappies, and though I don't feel sad that breastfeeding didn't work out completely for us, it makes me feel sad that I felt such pressure that Jac had to suffer as a result. I think that all I wanted was for someone to tell me that it was ok to give him formula, as long as he is fed that is the main thing, but no-one did. Everyone just kept telling me that formula was so bad and that I just needed to persist with breastfeeding. 

Second time around, I wanted to give breastfeeding a go but my Husband and I decided that we didn't want to put ourselves through a horrific time again. When Lola was born, we tried again and when things started to follow the same path, we decided to supplement from a couple of days old. It worked for us and meant that I was able to breastfeed her and my Husband could get involved with the top-up bottles. I felt so much more confident in my choice, and we did what worked for us as a family and ignored judgment from anyone else. We combi fed again for 6 months, and I can honestly say that I am 100% happy with our choice and how things ended up. Jac and Lola are gorgeous, happy and healthy children and are our absolute everything - parenting isn't just about how you feed your babies, it's SO much more. I realise now that it doesn't matter how your baby is fed, as long as they are getting milk that is all that matters. 

Taking your children home for the first time: Both Jac and Lola were born at home (planned homebirths!) I was transferred in to Hospital with Jac after he was born as I'd had meconium in my waters. Everything was fine and we came home the next day. I remember getting him home, and bringing him in the House and wondering what we were supposed to do?! We put him in his moses basket and he slept for all of about ten minutes and then spent the rest of the night feeding and unsettled. It was a very long night and we were both exhausted! When Lola was born, although I had meconium in my waters again, we didn't get transferred in to the Hospital. After the Midwife had done her checks, helped me to have a bath and got us settled and comfy on the sofa, she left. We were sat on the sofa as a family of four, eating toast, drinking tea and watching CBeebies as if I hadn't just given birth in the dining room - it was so surreal! 

It was lovely being at home and having all our home comforts and not having to leave Jac - he was even there when his little sister was born! I would highly recommend home birth to anyone - so empowering and lovely not having to leave the house!

The best/worst advice: The best piece of advice that I received was to do what is right for me and my family - it's so true. What works for us might not work for someone else, and that's fine. One size definitely doesn't fit all. I haven't received much bad advice - just people telling me that we shouldn't do certain things like co-sleeping because we'll never get our bed back to ourselves, and generally providing their opinion on how we should parent. I'm quite resilient to it now I think and we just do things our way - we have two happy and healthy children, so we must be doing something right... I hope so anyway!

The hardest parts of being a mother: Aside from the difficulties we had with feeding in the beginning, I would say that sleep deprivation was one of the hardest things that we had to go through. Second time around, it was actually a lot easier to deal with as I don't think we'd quite recovered from the first time! Nothing could have prepared me for how tired we would be, and how the tiredness would make us really irritable and not really like each other! 

But it does get better, and they're both sleeping through the night now so we have our evenings back and although I wouldn't say I feel refreshed, I definitely feel more sane now that we get to have an uninterrupted night's sleep again! 

The best parts of being a mother: The overwhelming love that I feel for Jac and Lola is out of this world. They are my everything and I can't imagine life without them. I knew that I would love my babies, but quite how much, I don't think I knew! Before Lola was born, I didn't think I could love another child as much as Jac. How would that be possible? But it is, my heart just grew even bigger! (cheesy, sorry!) We have so much fun together and seeing the bond between them as siblings growing each day and seeing them have fun and laughing together is possibly one of the best feelings in the world. When I'm gone, knowing that they'll at least have each other is something special. I love the snuggles, seeing them reach new milestones and taking them out to experience things - everyone should try and see things through the eyes of a three year old, its amazing! Becoming a Mummy is the best thing I have ever done and it's a privilege to have Jac and Lola in my life. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: Definitely! I've learnt more about patience, strength and unconditional love in the last 3.8 years than I have in a lifetime! I am still the same old me, but Jac and Lola make me want to be a better person. I want to make them proud and my outlook on life has definitely changed. 

Hopes for your family: I hope that as Jac and Lola grow up they will continue to be caring, determined and happy individuals and that they follow and fight for their dreams. I want them to know that they can achieve anything that they want if they put their mind to it! I hope that we'll all continue to have as much fun as we have been having already and I can't wait to create even more magical memories with them. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Do what is right for you and your family. Don't feel pressured or judged by others just because your way is different. Be kind to yourself - we all have bad days - and a new day is a blank slate and a fresh start. Make sure you take time for yourself; have a bath, a cup of tea in peace or a walk. You can't fill everyone elses cup if your cup is empty. Even though it will seem like a mammoth effort to begin with, try and get out of the house with your baby every day. Even if it's just a walk around the block, fresh air does wonders. Make yourself get out to those baby groups - you might not feel like it, but if you're as lucky as me you'll make some of the best mummy friends that you could ever wish for and you can all help each other through the tough times.

Extra Info: I'm a helpline volunteer for PANDAs (Pre and post natal depression advice and support). We take phone calls from mums, dads or concerned family members. They're a really fabulous charity. To contact them go to http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/   Tel: 0843 28 98 401