Katy, Joseph and Eliza

Name: Katy 

Children: Joseph, 3 years old, Eliza, 11 days old

Location: Heaton Chapel

Expectations of Motherhood: I thought I had a pretty good idea of how much my life would change when I became a mummy. I think I'd been told pretty much on a daily basis (especially whilst at work) how much of a shell shock it could be. I still had my own fantasy though, Sitting serenely with my little baby, cuddling for hours on end!

Reality of Motherhood: It was a shell shock! I'd managed to stay fairly laid back during the pregnancy and birth of Joseph, but as soon as the reality set in that he was actually mine, I did my own head in! 

I work as a midwife so I had an internal conflict going on between my Mummy brain and my Midwife brain. I'd read the textbooks but clearly my baby hadn't! The breastfeeding went a bit pear shaped, and I felt so guilty for supplementing with formula and then giving up completely a few moths down the line. I felt in a way that my body had let me down at the last minute, I'd been able to grow and bring a baby into the world but then to not be able to nourish him completely was devastating. That combined with issues with healing after the birth and then my mum being diagnosed with a brain tumour when Joseph was 6 weeks old meant that my mood was on a downward spiral. Eventually, not being able to see me cry any more, my lovely brave mum marched me off to the GP! It was so hard to admit how I was feeling. It felt like I should have been able to just cope with it all, like somehow I should have been immune to postnatal depression because of my job. 

Which is ridiculous I know! After starting on antidepressants I slowly started to feel brighter again, and more like myself. I began to bond with Joseph more, and I suddenly got loads of motivation to get out and about. I joined a postnatal fitness class where Joseph came with me in the pram, we did lots of mum and baby classes and we met up regularly with a group of local mums who were all so lovely and non-judgemental. 

I really loved my year off with Joseph in the end and I was sad to have to go back to work and leave him. We are really lucky in a way that because my husband and I work shifts, we are able to work alternate days and therefore not have to fork out for childcare. It helped with the anxiety off leaving Joseph too as I knew he would be perfectly fine with Daddy. (They love their boys days!) After a few weeks of settling back into work I decided to wean off my antidepressants (with my GP's support). Thankfully I've continued to be on a good place since then. 

Second time round I think I'm more chilled out about it all. Not that I'm saying I've got it all sussed out yet (Eliza's not even 2 weeks old as I'm writing this!) but I'm determined to try and just go with the flow. We've been hit by more feeding issues after the dreaded tongue-tie strikes again, We are persevering but just taking one day at a time. I had such a positive birth experience and I've felt so well physically after Eliza's birth, I think that has played a major part of how I'm feeling in my mood. And when you feel happier in yourself I think it's easier to cope with what life can throw at you. 

Taking your children home for the first time: After seeing hundreds of women go home with their new babies, all bundled up in their shiny new car seats, it's so surreal to be doing it yourself. When we brought Joseph home from the hospital I felt like I'd literally stolen a baby from work! I kept looking for reassurance, like, 'Are you sure I'm allowed to be doing this?' 

With Eliza it was a little more, I don't want to say stressy, maybe busy! Not only did we have a newborn to wrestle into a car seat, but we had Joseph with us too! He's such a good boy, but very curious. The moment our back was turned he was nearly diving into the clinical waste bin! 'Ooh mummy, what's in here?!' We managed it though and it was so nice to get home and begin our new lives as a family of four. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The hardest part of being a mother for me is the guilt; the constant worrying and second guessing whether I'm doing the right thing or not. I mentioned above that we don't have Joseph in a nursery or with a childminder. It would have been logistically difficult for us to get him there and pick him up with us both working antisocial hours, and obviously cost was a big factor. 

It's been lovely to spend so much time with him, but I've found myself feeling so guilty about it. Was he missing out on interaction with other children and adults other than us? Was I holding him back? Was I going to delay his development? It sometimes feels like you can't do right for doing wrong. 

The best/worst advice: The best advice I was given was to ignore everyone's advice! As soon as you tell anyone your expecting you get bombarded with well meaning advice. I think it's a case of listening to everything and trying to work out what works for you as a family. And what works at one point might not work at a later stage. So for us it's been about being fluid. 

I can't actually think what's the worst advice. What I think is a stupid idea, someone might think is a genius one! 

The best parts of being a mother: The best part of being a mummy has to be the unbelievable love. I'm head over heels in love with my hubby but my goodness, the love I feel for my little ones is something else. The feeling that you'd do absolutely anything for them. I didn't feel it right away with Joseph, and that was another thing I felt guilty about! But it grew and grew. The early days are so hard when you feel like your giving absolutely everything of yourself to this little being, and all they do is eat, poop and sleep (sometimes!) in return. But when they start to give a little back, that's when it gets really good! Even if it's just a little windy smile or now Joseph is a little older, when he says something cute like, 'Aw mummy, your so beautiful' it just melts my heart! 

Has becoming a mother changed you? Absolutely! It's hard to remember what life was like before having the little ones. In a good way! I think it's changed me at work too. I'm not saying for the better, that always got on my nerves when people say you've got to have kids to be a good midwife. But it has certainly changed the way I talk to parents now. I think having gone through it myself and totally feeling like I was bumbling along with it all, I want to give new mums and dads that reassurance that's it's ok to feel that way too.

Hopes for your family: I hope that we settle into our new lives as a family of four. That they grow up to be happy and healthy in whatever direction they choose to go in. Who knows we might even add one more into the mix!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Enjoy it, be present in it all. (I'm guilty of not following my own advice here!) listen to everyone's opinions, smile and then do your own thing with what feels right for you.

Jennie, Eleanor and Sam

Name: Jennie

Children: Eleanor, 11, and Sam, 8

Location: Chorlton, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I always wanted to be a mum, one day, but was always apprehensive about the job description and how much it would change my life. I'd wanted to become pregnant at 35, but when that time came I was having such a great time, and I was really unsure whether I should re-arrange everything. 

In the end, I became pregnant the first time that we tried. It was a real shock. I'd anticipated a year or two of getting used to the idea of having a baby soon, but suddenly it was really happening. I wasn't prepared at all psychologically and it all hit me quite hard. 

Reality of Motherhood: It's hard to put into words how much the experience has impacted on me, with the way I now see the world, and how I relate to other people. I still have an incredible life, but I'm no longer in the centre of it. This is actually a hell of a relief! It's great to get some respite from my own little world, and to have felt it widening out in ways I could never have predicted. Eleven years on, I wonder what I'd be doing if I'd decided not to have had kids. Without a shadow of a doubt, I now know we did the right thing- it's a huge adventure and most of it has been really enjoyable.

Taking your child home for the first time: Well, I wasn't able to do that, as I was very ill in hospital and missed a lot of her first three months. It all worked out in the end, but it was a shocking start to motherhood. 

I contracted a serious form of meningitis when I was eight months pregnant. I fell into a coma at home and totally missed my daughter's birth. Luckily my partner found me and realised I was very unwell. The medics were very unsure what was wrong and suspected I'd overdosed on illegal drugs. As I came out of the coma (eight days later) I experienced severe mental trauma: terrifying hallucinations and suffering paranoid delusions. This then morphed into life-threatening Post Natal Depression. I made it out the other side (thanks to incredible support) but it wasn't the start I expected! 

That three month period was utterly life-changing on every level. We were extremely lucky to survive without horrific physical side-effects, and not a day goes past when remind myself how incredibly lucky we are to be able to live a very full and independent life. The NHS absolutely surpassed itself and I'll be forever grateful to all those clever and caring people who chose those careers and brought us through it all. My own parents gave up a big chunk of their life to look after me and had endless patience during my re-hab. They made a massive impact on the speed of my recovery.

The best/worst advice: Tricky one! The best advice has probably come from Supernanny! Her calm and clear approach, with everyone taking time out when needed, really helped me (and still does). The worst advice has to be anything from Gina Ford. Looking back, her unfeeling approach doesn't make me feel at all comfortable and never worked out well for us. If you come to motherhood with little experience of babies, as I did, I think it's very natural to scrabble around for a manual. A friend said you end up "finding a book that suits your child"- I think there's enormous wisdom in this insight!

The hardest parts of being a mother: Accepting that my kids sometimes want to do things very differently to how I think they should be done. I'm not sure if I'll ever reach this nirvana, though!

My partner works abroad a lot (and we often don't get much notice) and this has probably been the toughest part. I cope pretty well with his absence, but we can both find it very hard to integrate, as co-parents, on his return. We both get used to being very autonomous and pretty much managing things as we want. When we get back together, we can clash together quite hard. Gradually, we get used to compromise again, but it can be surprisingly challenging.

The best parts of being a mother: The incredible privilege of being able to experience life again and again, by doing things with your kids. The way you can notice things and see things afresh because they are constantly doing that. And of course, the super-sensory experience of being so close to your kids, those unique and powerful connections at all levels. At the heart of it, for me, is that sense of purpose and the feeling that I'm doing a crucial job that I feel enormously motivated about. It's a corny cliche, but I've got no doubt, now, what life's all about and why I'm here!

Has becoming a mother changed you? Absolutely- especially the whole experience of being so ill during childbirth and the months after. I'll never really know if the changes were due to motherhood, or to the extreme experiences around that time, but it all changed my perception of the world in a substantial way. It's given me a much deeper understanding of how humans operate and what circumstances might lead to our behaviours. That's certainly helped me to be a better manager at work, as have many of the motherhood skills. 

As my kids get older, I'm having to question myself a lot about how I represent womanhood to them. It's making me quite strong and I do feel that real need to be the best role model I can be, both for my daughter and my son. I want them to question and challenge the way life should be and what we need to do to be active in that process. 

Hopes for your family: I'd like them to be healthy and fulfilled and if I'm really honest, I hope they are going to be able to use their abilities and privileges to have a positive impact on their community (rather than become very rich and self-serving). I hope they will be able to chose healthy adult relationships with people who are emotionally stable and share their aims in life.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: There are lots of myths about how wonderful motherhood will immediately feel, but it can take years for things to feel right. I don't think I bonded with my daughter until she was three months old (because of my illness and absence) but I'm so proud of what we have developed. 

I would also say, "Don't get too hung up about the birth itself." My mum always says, "It's just a day- there will hopefully be another 20,000 days of parenting to come." Whatever happens, you'll have a great story, and we have incredibly advanced health care which gets most of us through in pretty good shape.

For parenting, I would say that in the long-run, everything is a lot more enjoyable if you can put your kids' needs first. I don't mean buy them every toy they want, just try to get their basic needs sorted. As an adult, I'm pretty awful if I'm very tired, stressed, hungry, feeling ignored or scared. If someone helps me get these things sorted, then life quickly becomes pretty nice again and I tend to love that person (quite a lot!). I don't think kids' needs are that different. For me, it's not about buying our kids all the latest gear, it's about caring about the basics and trying to get that right.

Laurie and Oscar

Name: Laurie 

Child: Oscar 15 months

Location: Ramsbottom

Expectations of Motherhood: I expected hard work. We used to lie in bed and talk about how much fun it would be to have a little one snuggled between us - a full and noisy house. I probably didn't think much further than being on maternity leave with a baby, but thought it'd be a jolly old time!

Reality of Motherhood: A million times harder work! A shock to the system even though it was all planned and expected. 

Taking your child home for the first time: Terrifying, and not because I didn't know what to do (I felt very confident in myself as a mother), but I just felt very vulnerable in the world and like I was the only one who could protect my baby. Unfortunately it was the day post-natal depression set in (which was fortunately very fleeting), but my house felt wrong (like the weird feeling you have when you get when you come home from a 2 week holiday, only magnified a thousand times); the world felt wrong. I didn't feel sad or upset, I just felt nothing (then that made me feel guilty!). What was always evident was that it was a given that I would do everything within my power to look after this little person. It was also a big relief to finally have him at home with us after all those months of waiting. 

The best/worst advice: The best advice came from a brilliant midwife who told me, "You're his mother, you can do anything you want!" - I'd only asked if I could use baby wipes instead of cotton wool on his bottom, but by saying that I realised I had permission to take control and just do it. 

Worst advice: from the breast feeding support worker (or peer support worker) at hospital. I'd fed Oscar successfully twice, but then she turned up, said was doing it wrong, made him cry - he didn't even cry when he was born - then said I couldn't go home because she hadn't seen me feed him. 

Now I think back, I was vulnerable and she basically threatened me by saying, "What will you do when your baby won't feed in the middle of the night?" and, "if he's re-admitted to hospital you won't be allowed to come with him". 

It really angers me. Especially when I went on to breast feed until Oscar was about 10 months. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The night time in the very early stages: a killer! Realising that you will never really relax or be just yourself anymore.... Or at least not for a few decades! Worrying about doing it right! 

The best parts of being a mother: Having the most wonderful little creature that's ever existed!

Knowing that all his healthy weight gain was purely down to my milk. And now, as he's getting older, those little arms around my neck and his kisses. 

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Yes, I'm more sensitive in a lot if ways, like hearing sad stories, but I'm also very strong and feel like I have my priorities a bit more straight. 

Hopes for your family: More babies! 2 or 3 maybe. I just hope for me and my husband to do the best to raise our children with confidence, determination and to be kind. To be happy.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Hide away for 6 weeks, be just a mummy, recover, eat, drink and sleep. Snuggle and kiss your baby. Don't have too many visitors unless they run around after you. Don't put too much pressure on your yourself. It's hard and if anyone says they found if easy, they're lying. Trust yourself and do it how you want to.