Lindsey and Henry

Name: Lindsey Bowers

Child: Henry, 2 (and 6 months pregnant with a girl)

Location: Didsbury, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I had visions of my life pretty much continuing as it had before. We'd still go out for lovely meals, but with either a sleeping baby or a patient, well behaved child sitting and eating with us. Being one of those families you see at the park or the pub beer garden in summer with a cute cooing baby or toddler running around. Life as normal, just with a new addition!

I think in my mind I'd just added a baby into all the fun,happy situations and activities we did. What could be so hard about that?

Reality of Motherhood: I honestly don't think I considered the flip side to the new arrival. Like, what do you do to occupy yourselves on the wet, windy weekends now there is a child too? I don't think Henry would appreciate Gossip Girl box sets or long pub lunches as much as me. Also what happens when you're ill, or worse still, you're all ill, and all you want is to sleep, but you have to be a mother first?

Saying that, the reality is much better than my expectations. I didn't expect to love my child as much as I do. Such emotion and protection for one thing seemed impossible before. 

Life is funnier now too! I spend a lot of my time with Henry, laughing. Seeing him experience new things for the first time is a joy and getting to enjoy things like Christmas with children around is the best.

It's hard, extremely tiring and trying at times, but 100% worth it.

Taking your child home for the first time: Henry was a little bit small when he was born so we had to stay in for the first night to check he could maintain his temperature. It was the last place I wanted to be and was very tired and emotional when my husband Dave had to go home. When we were given the green light to leave the next afternoon, I was so excited to get back. Dave's dad came to collect us, but forgot the car seat so we couldn't leave until he'd been back for it. That was the longest time! It was wonderful to get back that evening and spend our first night at home with Henry, both completely clueless as to what we were supposed to do with him - a feeling which lasted a long time! 

The best/worst advice: We found as soon as I fell pregnant with Henry, that once you have a baby you're seemingly fair-game to be given all manner of (mainly) unsolicited advice. You're told what to feed them, how to feed them, where they should sleep, how much you should hold them. You simply HAVE to try this routine, that book, don't give them a dummy, make sure you swaddle etc, etc. The list is endless, but you come to realise that no one has all the right answers. There is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to raising children and you can feel swamped with the thoughts and theories of others.

So, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I don't have a best or worst piece of advice we received. I found it all quite overwhelming so took to figuring it out for ourselves instead.

The hardest parts of being a mother: When he's ill. It's getting easier as he can communicate a bit more and let us know what hurts, but that's been one of the worst bits. Right from the start we knew something wasn't right and he seemed uncomfortable and in pain. He was diagnosed with Reflux when he was 5 weeks old thankfully we got the right medication to help him take his milk and keep it down. He also had colic for the first 3 months which was awful as we couldn't do anything to help. Nothing eased it and he cried constantly. 

These days it seems different, as although we are more aware of what's wrong with him, it's still equally as hard because he's a proper little personality. To see him go from a happy, chatty playful boy to being clingy, quiet and sad is tough as you can feel pretty useless. 

The best parts of being a mother: Definitely seeing him grow and develop daily. I'm always amazed with his new skills and love seeing him get funnier, more confident and show new sides of his emerging personality. He cracks me up daily. 

I'm also a sucker for the love and hugs than only a toddler can give; all encompassing, smothering ones, usually accompanied by chocolate or snot. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? I'd love to say that having children turned me into a patient and wise, earth-mother sort who really found myself in my new role. But in reality, nothing was that extreme. I'm certain that I'm more confident, more loving and hopefully my patience is improving, but I still feel the same as before. I enjoy the same things, give or take (I put my recent love of crafting down to staying in more now I have children). 

I'd also hope I'm less selfish and I'm really trying to reign in my fears and phobias so as not to pass them onto my children. 

Hopes for your family: The obvious things; that they're happy and healthy, but also that they are confident enough to believe they can achieve whatever they want in life. I want us to be wholly supportive of their choices - that way, if things don't work out they feel they can talk to us about it, and not feel that they're judged. There is a lot of negativity out there as it is, which can make you think you've failed before you've even tried - I think as a parent you're there to bolster their dreams and cushion the blows.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I still see myself very much as a beginner, so don't feel I can dish out the advice, but if I was pushed I'd just say try to relax and not beat yourself up when you're finding your feet in the early days.

Jane, Sophie and Harry

Name: Jane Lee 

Children: Sophie, 2 and Harry, 9 months 

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: It was a fairly long journey to motherhood for me. I had longed for children since the latter half of my twenties and then, sadly, the long term relationship that I was in floundered. I had to wait to meet the right person to marry and have children with. This happened in my early thirties and we started trying for a baby straight away. However, we had to face a couple of miscarriages before successfully conceiving our daughter. Based on the strong bond that I had with my own wonderful mother, I expected motherhood to be the most amazing thing and couldn’t wait for the experience of getting to know my baby and all the fun things we would do and the love that I knew I would have for that much wanted child. Sophie’s second name is ‘Arabella’ which means ‘much prayed for’ - and she was.

Reality of Motherhood: The birth of my first daughter was a fairly traumatic experience resulting in an emergency C-Section in which I lost rather a lot of blood. The first couple of days of being in hospital were therefore spent in a slight haze of Morphine. 

I will never forget the first night that we were together and lying awake while she slept, just staring at her and loving her with such a powerful all encompassing love and feeling so intensely happy (I am sure that this was not just the morphine!). Those feelings have not gone away and are the cornerstone of how I feel about both of my children. 

The main reality of motherhood for me is that it is a dream come true. There is nothing more amazing for me than to watch my children develop and grow, and a single smile or moment of fun instantly makes up for the constant tiredness that has become a way of life for me now. The reality is ALSO that it is hard and it is relentless – waking in the night continuously to feed, change, comfort and then to spend the day feeding, changing, playing, stimulating, and cleaning up after the children. It is physically demanding and mentally draining – but it is ALL worth it.

Taking your children home for the first time: Having been in hospital for over a week with Sophie we felt fairly institutionalised by the end of our stay. It was very strange to see normal people walking along the street while we drove (very slowly) home with our new little bundle in the back. I felt like I should be shouting out of the window – ‘look I have had my baby – isn’t it amazing’. Getting home was a lovely time – we had family there and we put the baby in her carrycot and generally just enjoyed what felt like a massive achievement. The physical pain of having an emergency C-Section with each child marred the joy a bit and meant that we needed family to stay and help so we weren’t on our own for at least a couple of weeks in each case. I think that this eased us in gently and I am grateful for that. 

The best/worst advice: The best advice for me was to sleep while the baby sleeps and this is what I did. I have always been a cat napper, and the moment the baby went off I would curl on the sofa with my red blanket and sleep until crying woke me. These power naps really helped me to get through the day. Another amazing piece of advice was a friend who said, ‘Be kind to one another’ – parenthood can bring out such strong emotions in you, particularly if you are stubborn and opinionated, as are myself and my husband, so sometimes you have to take a step back and just be kind. 

I can’t think of any bad advice really – but each baby is different and you have to get to know what works for your baby and trust your own instincts as a mother.

The hardest parts of being a mother: For me the hardest part is dealing with the anxiety that I experience daily with regard to each of my children and the responsibility of them. 

I have always been a worrier but my levels of anxiety over the last two years have really peaked. My imagination runs riot with things that could happen and in hindsight I think that my traumatic birth experiences may have not helped this. The way that I am learning to deal with this is to take each day at a time and concentrate on the moment – and to enjoy the moment for what it is. 

Another difficult part has been accepting that I have to put my own life and aspirations on hold for the moment and concentrate on ‘growing and nurturing’ my children. I was made redundant whilst on maternity leave with Harry and whilst it is a relief not to have that particular job any more I have been placed in a dilemma, as the industry that I was in (law) does not generally practice child friendly hours and I am reluctant to go back to full time work whilst my children are so young. Because of this I have had to accept that, for now, I am a full time mum and am trying to learn that I don’t need to qualify this every time I am asked what I do by stating what I used to do as a job. It’s a humbling experience, but I am getting there!

The best parts of being a mother: Where do I start? The smiles, the laughter, the feeling that now we are a real family, the love that grows stronger every day. I love that I am starting to forge a relationship with my daughter and she tells me things and we laugh together. I love watching my husband being an amazing dad and the care and love that he showers on our children.

Has becoming a mother changed you? Absolutely. It has made me less selfish and much less inclined to care about what other people think of me as I simply don’t have the time for it. My children are my world now – not my job or myself. 

Hopes for your family: My hope is that my children will grow to be confident (unlike me who has always suffered with a lack of confidence) and will feel loved and supported throughout their lives. I hope that we will retain our sense of laughter and fun as a family and always love each other and be there for each other and have adventures together.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Join an NCT group – I have found such support and friendship in mine and wouldn’t be without it for the world. Also, try and take pleasure in all the little things that everyday brings – the smiles, the cuddles and the love. They far out way the general knackeredness and the state that your body gets into after having a child!

Elizabeth, Rufus and Dulcie

Name: Elizabeth

Child: Rufus, 2 years 7 months and Dulcie, 7 months

Location: Northenden

Expectations of Motherhood: I so desperately wanted to be a mother, and I suppose I imagined all the things that other mothers seemed to have - healthy, thriving children that gave them equal measures of joy and being pains in the bum. 

I never assumed I would have a disabled child, although something niggled at me during my pregnancy with Rufus, and there was an underlying level of worry. I would have probably incorrectly assumed that life with a disabled child was something unimaginably difficult and scary. It is, but it also brings a level of joy that I'd have assumed wasn't possible. Sheer excitement in the minutae of life (he's smiled! he's picked up a toy and assessed it properly!) and a strength that I didn't know I had.

Reality of Motherhood: Nobody can prepare you for the shock of your first child. How utterly upside down your life becomes. Add to that Rufus was premature, very, very ill and spent his first four months in hospital whilst we were being told it was unlikely he would ever make it home - well, the 'reality' was so distant from what I expected. To not be able to hold your child and nourish them for their formative weeks (a gap that has been healed immeasurably by having Dulcie) was so incredibly difficult and yet somehow there were moments of calm, laughter and real happiness when Rufus was in hospital.

Now with two so young, I wondered what I stressed about with one! And in lots of ways Dulcie is really easy - she isn't complex; she's completely unmedicalised our lives. But by god, she brings a whole new set of things; being mobile quite early and demanding my attention. Rufus is easy by comparison now!

Taking your children home for the first time: After he came home, I was bound to the house by fear. He was still so fragile and tiny. It was pretty isolating. But once we did start reaching out, going to baby groups, my fears started to disappear. Now the shame with Dulcie is that I don't have the time or energy to go to groups, but watching the two of them together at home, interacting in their own little way, is really rewarding.

Bringing Dulcie home after a natural labour (Rufus was an emergency c-section), with her breastfeeding so easily - I have been known to describe (possibly a bit dramatically!) as an elastoplast on my heart. My pregnancy with her had some very scary moments, and they induced her two weeks' early as she looked as though she wasn't growing as well. But the minute she was born I knew she was ok. There is this mystical 'mother's instinct', but I really believe in it. 

The best/worst advice: 

The best: "This too shall pass"

I love this - moments of pain, moments of glory. Everything is a stage. It's good to remember that hard things will come to a conclusion somehow, and also not to rest on your laurels and embrace the glorious days as they are far too short.

The worst: The multitude of friendly opinions about what you should do based around what worked for someone else. Especially contentious issues like feeding, weaning and sleeping. Which is all newborns do I suppose! But especially with breastfeeding: "they have to go to you like this", "try holding them this way", "you have to get a good latch". Arrgggghhh! I literally needed to clear my head of all the 'should be doings' and let Dulcie take the lead trusting that she knew what she wanted - especially difficult after a child with an extreme oral aversion.

The hardest parts of being a mother: All the wiping - bums, faces, hands, highchairs, your face, your clothes. There's a level of stickiness you become at one with. Also feeling like you're not allowed to admit to being bored. I love my kids, but somedays it's just meal/feed/dress/whinge repeat all day.

The best parts of being a mother: With Rufus, it's that fleeting bit of eye contact. And he is a happy, happy soul. He has a laugh that I promise you makes grown men smile. From 100 feet away. And it's being his advocate - I feel proud to be his Mum.

With Dulcie, it's everything as it's supposed to be, but I also now know not to sweat the small stuff. And to believe in myself. Being a mother has really empowered me, more than my career ever did.

Has becoming a mother changed you? Yes, immeasurably. In so many ways. But sometimes I like to remember who I was before all this, because I get asked so often, 'Are you Mum?', especially with hospital visits with Rufus. And I think yes, but I also have other things I can do!

Hopes for your family: That we deal with tomorrow and all it's unknowns with the same strength and reasoning as today. Rufus' condition is classed as 'life limited and life threatened'. I think of that in a detached way, but I hope still with enough clarity to access all the things he needs for the best quality of life whilst also not sidelining Dulcie. I hope at some point I feel grown up enough for all of this!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Trust in your feelings and instincts, but don't drive yourself crazy by trying to 'fix' everything or believing that every little worry will happen because you've thought it!

And skim read any books. Your babies will let you know when you're getting it right by them. Expect this to only be 50% of the time if you're lucky!

And if the unexpected happens, and you end up in an unknown place, reach out and ask for help. Shy bairns get nowt.

SWAN UK, Syndrome Without A Name have been a lifesaver for us. http://www.undiagnosed.org.uk

Elizabeth writes about her adventures at http://areyoukiddingney.wordpress.com

Sarah and Oliver

Name: Sarah

Child: Oliver, Age 2

Location: Altrincham

Expectations of Motherhood: From a young age I knew one of my ambitions in life was to have a family, and at 25 we decided we wanted to start planning for a baby of our own. I had lots of worries initially about becoming pregnant, mainly due to other horror stories I had heard or been told. How would I cope putting on weight? Will I cope with morning sickness? Will I cry lots? Will I go shopping and leave my baby in a changing room? Will I know what to do??? .....To help with all my worries I insisted my mum bought me a book to help teach me what to do (very naive!).

We were both under the impression that it could take us a couple of months to a year to conceive, mainly due to a few of our friends having difficulties. To our surprise I was pregnant within the first two months of trying and therefore felt very blessed.

It was strange; I didn’t feel any different. I thought I was one of the lucky ones who wouldn’t suffer from morning sickness. How wrong was I! At around 2/3 months I was sick religiously every morning as soon as I woke up, but felt back to normal straight away. That was unless I ate my favourite foods - curry and pizza - but I soon learnt it was best to steer clear of them for the remainder of my pregnancy. After a month or so my morning sickness passed and the rest of my pregnancy was perfect, luckily I had no problems at all and bloomed!



We decided we couldn’t wait for 9 months to find out the sex of our baby, so jumped at the chance to find out during our scan. I had my heart set on having a baby girl, so when we were told we were having a boy I wasn’t sure how to feel. However, seeing him move around during the scan I instantly fell in love and felt so lucky to have such a healthy child.

Reality of motherhood: I couldn’t bring myself to write my ‘birthing plan’, I didn’t know what I wanted or how I would cope with the pain? I decided to leave it for a while and maybe I would have more of an idea nearer the time. The idea of taking lots of drugs made me nervous in case I would embarrass myself, or if they made me sick. Oh, and I hate needles!

Everyone I bumped into advised me that I would be overdue and would need inducing as my bump hadn’t dropped, and I agreed due to the feet constantly digging in to my ribs. So when my waters broke a week early at 6am, I cried with shock... I still hadn’t written my birthing plan, but it turned out that it didn’t matter.

Having the perfect pregnancy was no indication that I was going to have a smooth labour and delivery, to my disappointment. I coped well with the pain using a tens machine (best invention ever!) and gas and air but it became clear after 22 hours of labour and lots of pushing that I needed help to deliver. I was then taken out of my lovely birthing room with a pool and pretty lights, into a very sterile delivery room, full of people! Looking back it makes me cringe thinking about how many people were stood discussing my private parts and what to do to help me, I don’t even like getting undressed in front of my own mother!

At the time I was so tired that I wasn’t too upset when I was advised I needed an episiotomy and Ventouse delivery (although I soon wished I had pushed a lot harder!). Oliver was finally delivered and the first words out of the surgeons mouth was ‘BIG BABY!’, I just remember thinking, 'wow he has massive thighs!'

After a lot of pain and a few hours sleep I bonded instantly with Oliver and felt like I knew what I was doing.. What was I worried about? 

I was lulled into a false sense of security thinking, 'this is easy', but it didn’t last long. After the midwives insisting, ‘breast is best’ I didn’t want to let anyone down and gave it a try. The ward nurses were not much help when I expressed concern that Oliver was feeding for a long time (hours) and still didn’t seem satisfied. I was told, ‘Oh it’s normal’, but after the first weigh in at home, we realised I wasn’t able to give Oliver enough milk and that we needed to bottle feed, which explained the 48hours we'd had with no sleep. I instantly felt anger at the midwives who'd initially brainwashed me into breastfeeding, and the ward nurses that I'd asked for help.

It quickly hit us how rough sleep deprivation was, and suffering with low iron and pain it was a hard few days. Why oh why do they not tell you about what happens after delivery in your antenatal classes?

As soon as we started to bottle feed Oliver he seemed a little more content, but we were still convinced that something wasn’t quite right. I couldn’t put Oliver down without him screaming, I learnt how to go to the toilet/eat meals/wash-up, all whilst holding a baby. His symptoms got worse towards around two months; he would scream for milk and then scream even louder after an ounce. We spent hours researching his symptoms and ruled out colic, but as soon as I read the symptoms for Reflux, I knew instantly that is what he had. After one tearful Sunday morning for both me and Oliver, I decided enough was enough, and we drove him to A&E. Finally after a few nurses trying to convince us he had colic and it was ‘normal’, a lovely doctor listened and diagnosed silent reflux. Two or three days later on Gaviscon we had our perfect settled baby back!

Now this was sorted and under control we started to build a routine and settled into our family life. Oliver quickly adapted to our strict routine and luckily slept through from 3 months, and more often than not we would have to wake him in a morning.

Our first year after all the initial troubles was amazing, we didn’t have to change our lives too much as Oliver just fitted in around our lives. Again we came back down to the reality of parenthood with a bang when it was time for me to start back at work and Oliver at nursery. The germs hit hard! After 26 years of avoiding tonsillitis, Oliver kindly passed it on to me. As a mother you don’t have time to be ill, so after the third throat infection and numerous blood tests to find out why I was so ill I was signed off work for a week. In between dealing with my illnesses we had a scare with Oliver, who was rushed into hospital as a gland in his neck had got infected and they needed to give him antibiotics quickly through a drip. From this moment on he was poorly every other week for around 3/4 months - the staple part of his diet felt like antibiotics.

Taking your child home for the first time: The 15 minute journey home felt like the scariest drive we had ever been on (even though we probably drove about 10 MPH the whole way back). We avoided every single pot hole and drove the long way round to avoid all the speed bumps. We made it home safely! The walk from the car into our home felt like I’d run a marathon and I instantly broke down in tears as soon as we made it to the front door. Looking back I think these were more tears of relief to be home (and baby blues) rather than the pain.

We made a conscious decision to spend our first couple of nights in the lounge for a number of reasons which now seem a bit more neurotic rather than sensible. We were luckily enough to have my mother who spent the first week with us, cooking, cleaning and offering support. I was therefore able to try and concentrate on looking after my health and catching the odd few hours sleep whilst I knew Oliver was being watched over.

The midwife advised that due to the lack of milk, Oliver was becoming jaundice. We were convinced he was a ‘nice’ colour, looking back at pictures we realise his nice tan wasn’t from spending a week or so in the Maldives. I was unable to go out for his first outing to get some fresh air and sun light and this broke my heart. After being so close to your baby for 9 months and then giving birth, the feeling when you have to let go for an hour or so is the worst in the world initially, but it soon gets easier.



The best advice: Without a doubt this has to be from a colleague at work (mother of three), make sure daytime is noisy/bright and night times are quiet, low lit and no fuss. You hear horror stories of baby’s routines getting mixed up; awake all night and asleep all day. We were determined that this was not going to happen to us, and so we started a routine from day one of being home. Our night time routine was the same each night - bath, bottle in a quiet room with no fussing, then bed. After a while it paid off and to this day we have had no issues with Oliver waking at night and wanting to play.

Also, a health visitor advised me at around 3 months to ensure we put Oliver in bed awake, so he can learn to fall asleep himself. This was hard for a while due to reflux preventing us from laying him down straight after a bottle, and most newborns tend to fall asleep straight after a bottle. By 5 months we were confident that the reflux was under control and that we needed to teach Oliver to go to sleep alone in bed. This involved a tough few weeks of training, sometimes hours stood on the landing in and out of his room, but he quickly grasped the idea and bed times are now fun and easy (well until you have to chase them round the bathroom to get a nappy on).

I worry sometimes that we have been a little too strict with routine as Oliver does show quite strong OCD tendencies. He cannot stand to have any dirt on himself or clothing and loves to clean! If we don’t clean his hands quick enough when he requests, there can be tears. He has become that fussy he has even got out of the bath due to a floating piece of fluff. A lot of time lately has been spent trying to teach him that you can get messy and still be okay (lots of finger painting).

Another (sorry I have a few), is to go to an antenatal class. I had a great support group from the ladies I met during my classes, and two years on we still meet regularly with and without our babies. Speaking to other mums helps you quickly learn that what you are going through is normal and that they are going through the same thing.

Worst advice: Books... no book can tell you how your child should act, what times they want milk and how you should feel. My first worries about not knowing what to do were the same things all mothers-to-be feel, but as soon as you hold your baby you know instantly what to do. You quickly learn what each cry or moan means and how to deal with it best.

Breastfeeding – Don't be forced into something you are not comfortable doing, of course it has its benefits but if it makes your life hell you need to decide if that’s how you want to spend the first 5/6 months.

The hardest parts of being a mother: This has to be the feeling of when your child is upset or hurt. The instinct you instantly have to protect them from anything is astonishing; the first few tears you share with them, but then soon you learn they need your reassurance and love rather than a blubbing wreck. I think because I’m so strong around Oliver now I cry at the slightest thing when he’s not around, usually One born or Eastenders.

When Oliver first started walking/running I used to hover round his every move to be there if he fell. I’ve now realised that I won’t always be there to protect him and therefore he needs to learn how to deal with different situations himself. If he falls over now and isn’t hurt, he quickly gets up, wipes himself down and carries on.

The best parts of being a mother: Above all the love you feel for them and seeing how they feel for you. Our family now is so close and we all rely on each other for everything. One of the best feelings is becoming a family - just the 3 of us. Everything feels complete now. Life before Oliver was amazing, but with Oliver it’s even better. I cannot describe how proud we feel watching our child as he grows and develops; it has also been great for us seeing the world from his tiny eyes. Watching the joy on his face when he masters how to do something or sees something or someone he loves.

I always knew I would be a good mother, but I don’t think I knew just how much I would love just hanging out with him. He has turned into my best friend and never fails to brighten my day with his smiles, hugs and sloppy kisses. Everyday he does something new that shocks us or makes us giggle. Sometimes we just look at each other and smile and say, ‘he’s amazing isn’t he?’ still unsure how we both made such a social, loving, kind and funny young man.

Has becoming a mother changed you: I’m sure everyone will answer yes to this, it has to.... it’s a massive lifestyle change, going from spending all your free time in the pub, to staying home and worrying about someone other than yourself. I used to live for the weekend to go out with our friends, but now I can’t wait to get into my PJ's and snuggle on the sofa, or play football in the park.

Hopes for your family: My main hope is that we all stay healthy and happy and carrying on enjoying life. We are quite relaxed about the future at the moment, and are on a bit of an adventure. Every day is so different and with us being in the ‘terrible’ two’s stage we are never bored (although it’s not been too terrible so far, touch wood). We would like to have a sibling for Oliver, but want to enjoy our time with him until he’s ready to share our love. One of my main hopes is that we always have a strong bond and we continue to be best friends.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Trust your own instincts, don’t put any extra pressure on yourself by reading books or worrying about what they should and shouldn’t being doing. Your child will grow in their own time with your support and nurturing.

Having a child is going into the unknown for most families and that is part of the fun, you will find your own way and find what works for you. You may have bad days when you question everything and everyone, but it’s more rewarding than you will ever imagine. The love you feel for them is boundless.

Little tips - buy a practical changing bag; buy a coat with a hood (umbrellas and prams don’t mix); buy Annabel Karmel’s book for weaning; always take spare clothes on trips out; oh and get used to mess.

Jane and Benjamin

Name: Jane
Child: Benjamin, 2
Location: Didsbury, Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I was 33 when I got pregnant and we'd been married for 10 years by the time Benjamin was born. We'd lived a life, I'd had a career of sorts and we were ready for a family.

I'd never really wanted children, I suppose partly because I suspected I wouldn't be able to have any and partly because I could never imagine myself holding a baby; my baby in my arms. Then my brother and his wife got pregnant and Matthew my husband suggested we try, so we did and five months later I was pregnant. It was a massive shock to both of us but we were ecstatic.

I felt quite rough during the first trimester. No sickness but just a dreadful exhaustion. I'd go to work then come home and go straight to bed. I had a grim sense of foreboding about what was to come and was very protective of the growing life inside me.

When I was 16 weeks some routine blood tests came back which showed I had a genetic blood disorder, we were sent for further tests and genetic counselling and told that there was a one in four chance of the baby dying at birth. I knew then that the rest of the pregnancy would be a battle. 

By this time I'd started to attend pregnancy yoga classes which were fantastic at calming me down - looking back I was tremendously anxious about the health of my baby.

I was monitored very closely by the hospital which was in some ways comforting, but it did nothing to reduce my stress levels. I read all the NICE guidelines on my condition and took great joy in annoying the Doctors by quoting these guidelines to them when they tried to push me to do things (that were beyond the scope of the guidelines). The Doctors would say terrifying things about the high risk of Benjamin dying, but in hindsight I suspect they were said just to get me to toe the line. I was firm that I knew what was best for us both and I was right.

I eventually agreed to be induced at 38 weeks. I'd been incredibly private and protective of my pregnancy and not even my family knew the full extent of the problems I was dealing with or that I was going into hospital. I didn't need the stress of them all fretting and pacing hospital corridors.

Here is an edited version of something a wrote after the birth:

I was induced on the Wednesday morning, the midwives said they'd probably need a few goes at getting it going but true to form I proved them wrong. On the Wednesday night I stood up and my waters broke. I was on a busy but excellent antenatal ward, but lucky enough to have my own room. The midwives on duty were brilliant and monitored me closely. The delivery unit was full to bursting so they kept me there until 10am on Thursday with gas and air to keep me company.

Matthew arrived just as they were transferring me, he was pale and terrified. The next 24 hours are (thankfully) something of a blur. I was closely monitored and not allowed to get off the bed to move around which made the pain harder to deal with. I managed on gas and air until about 4pm and I asked for pethadine. 

At around 7pm I relented and asked for an epidural. The next four hours were a special form of hell. During that time four anaesthetists tried to get the needle in, my vertebrae are close together and there wasn't much room for the needle. I spent four hours in real agony while they poked at my spine with needles and at around 11.30pm they finally got it in and I could rest. By this time I knew something wasn't right but no one would listen to me.

At around 4am Friday I was fully dilated and was asked to push, this seemed to go on for hours and at times there were five or six worried faces at the bottom of the bed. His heart rate and mine kept dropping and they kept doing blood tests and looking concerned. Sometime around 7.30am they suggested we go to theatre and try forceps. So they wheeled us off.

Forceps were tried but he just got firmly wedged, it turned out he was back to back and probably never would have come out naturally. Why they didn't know this I'll never know.

I was prepped for a Caesarian section, by this point I would have agreed to anything just to get him out safely. He was pushed back up the birth canal and removed via the sunroof (and not the cat flap). It's a strange and unnatural feeling having a baby pushed back up having spend hours pushing him down.
He was born at 9.15am, 8lbs 15oz of gorgeousness. He was silent but, "It's a boy!" went around the theatre and Matthew and I turned to each other and said, "We've got a Benjamin". We didn't know what we were having but were delighted with what we've got. It took him a few minutes to pipe up but it was a lethargic cry. Matthew cut the cord and he was brought over to be admired. I loved him instantly but it felt like part of a really strange dream.

Reality of motherhood: On arrival Benjamin was beautiful and just wanted to be cuddled, he was lethargic and didn't really want to feed. He wasn't interested in the breast, there was no milk to be had and the midwives were too busy to help, so he ended up being bottle fed. 

He was being closely monitored by the paediatric team who discovered what they thought might be the signs of a worrying and rare hormone imbalance, they insisted we stay in until a full diagnosis could be made. I was moved from a busy ward to a side room and we fell into a routine of daily tests and consultations on Benjamin's health. I was almost at breaking point.

Until they knew what was wrong with him he was subjected to oral doses of saline solution which made him throw up and made his symptoms appear worse to the medical staff. The worst moment was a stress test which was so traumatic neither Matthew nor I can speak of it without crying. I would physically fight anyone who wanted to do that to my child again.

After a week of tests and trauma we were allowed home. He was clear of any health problems and there was no need to worry. We were incredibly relieved but angry at what we'd all been put through.

Taking your child home for the first time: I think all parents have the same experience. You bundle your baby up in their car seat and drive home at 4mph, that was about the same for us.

I think for Matthew and I we'd spent a week thinking Benjamin was gravely ill and he'd been through enough in his first seven days, so we were perhaps more protective of him than we needed to be. But once declared fit we were almost bundled off the ward, so at 7pm in a cold November evening we went home at 4mph.

I was exhausted and Matthew had only really seen him during visiting hours so he took over. Benjamin settled in and we settled into a routine. I did days, Matthew did nights. I say routine but he fed on demand, which turned out to be about every three hours and things just fit in around that.

Benjamin was always really laid back. He slept through at 6 weeks and he'd sleep for 12 hours a night. The trade off was he'd only cat nap for 10 minutes a day which was tiring. He was jolly and smiley and loved to cuddle. We adored him.

We've always followed his lead, he seems to indicate when he's ready for the next step, like stopping the bottle and having a sippy cup or moving to his own room. I think us not forcing him to conform to expected ideas in terms of development has made him more relaxed. Why force a child who isn't ready to do something just because a book or a health visitor says so. It's worked for us and he's happier for it.

Due to the stress during pregnancy, the traumatic birth and his first stressful week I was eventually diagnosed with PTSD. Looking back I certainly spent his first 18 months in a high state of anxiety and had frequent flashbacks to some of the more distressing moments. I don't think he was affected by it but I was definitely more protective of him around others, especially medical people.

The best/worst advice: The worst advice I was given was "sleep when your baby sleeps". Who does that? In over two years I've maybe managed it 3 times if I've been ill and it's really only in the past year or so he's napped during the day.

If your baby goes to sleep then it's a quick tidy, clean, cook something, grab a shower, have a drink, eat something. It's never put your feet up and nod off. If you do manage it then well done but I've not met a mum yet that did.

The best advice was "try baby led weaning". One of the first things we did when I was pregnant was buy a food processor for mushing everything up, but really who has the time? My sister in law suggested we try it, what a revelation. If your child is snatching real food off your plate and eating it why are you mashing food for him? 

All we did was stop salting food and cut down on the spice a bit. I think we probably did eat more pasta with pesto that first year, but that stuff is like cat nip for kids. He's a really unfussy eater these days and will try anything. He loves fish and his favourite is smoked trout pâté. Why limit your childs' palate to fish fingers, such a shame when there are such culinary delights to be had.

The hardest part of being a mother: No one tells you that you'll be ill all the time. When I went back to work and he went to nursery I was solidly ill for about 5 months because he'd just rub his germs on me. I was exhausted and struggling cope with undiagnosed PTSD.

I've had a bit of a catalogue of misfortune since he arrived, which culminated in spinal surgery in February (long story short, I had an accident in November 2012 which left me at risk of paralysis). Matthew has been outstanding and looked after us both. He's an amazing man and it hasn't been easy or him.

I think in Benjamin's little life it's been most hard for me to watch him grow and change while I've been stuck on the sofa in a codeine haze. I miss running round the park with him, picking him up and swinging him round, bathing him and putting him to bed. I miss being the proper hands on mum I once was. I hope that he's too young to remember this time and that I won't always be like this.

The best part of being a mother: This is such a hard question because I love everything about him and being a mum. But...

Motherhood is a joy. Benjamin is an amazing little chap. He's bright, charming, sensitive and so loving and caring. The best thing is he's so bloody funny. He's got a really great sense of humour which I think will be an asset to him.

I love spending time with him. He's independent enough to be able to entertain himself for hours but we love doing jigsaws, playing with his train sets, reading book after book, after book. Obviously I wish I could do more with him but it is what it is.

I love it when it's just the two of us and we snuggle under a blanket and watch In the Night Garden together and read. He loves Hairy Maclary and laughs his socks off when I make all the dog and cat noises. I'm really uninhibited when I'm with him which I love as I'm not as confident as I used to be.

I am really enjoying him at the moment, he's a real character and he's made giant leaps with this speech recently. I love chatting away to him about the world and what he can see in it. His love for choo-choo trains, cars and doggies. I love how he lists his favourite people and counts as he goes up the stairs. Each day is a new discovery and an exciting lesson in the world around him.

Honestly, there is no feeling more wonderful to me than being given an enormous cuddle and a snotty kiss by Benjamin.

Hopes for your family: For Benjamin, I hope he grows up to be his own man, not to run with the pack but to stand firm in his own convictions. I want him to be happy in whatever he does. If he carries on being funny, kind and considerate then I'll be pleased with that.

I'd love him to have great taste in music, early indications are good with early preferences for The Wonder Stuff and The Charlatans. I played lots of Faith No More and Rage Against the Machine when I was pregnant and he likes to dance to them too, though we are more selective with the swearier songs.

Matthew takes him to toddler football and I suspect he harbours dreams of him holding the FA Cup aloft in glorious triumph.

My hopes for me and Matthew are that we come out of this run of my bad luck soon and that I can return to a more normal life. Its been bloody hard work for him and stressful too. He's a brilliant husband and father. I know how lucky we are to have him.

Long term I don't know what I hope for, I'm currently off sick from my job in the NHS. I don't know when I'll be fit to return to work, if ever. Large parts of my life are effectively on hold.

We did want to have another baby but we think that is probably not possible now which is a shame. We are so lucky to have Benjamin, he is a blessing and worth every minute of pain and anxiety we went through to get him.

Every time I think of Benjamin my heart fills so completely with love for him, it's an amazing feeling. I hope one day he'll have a baby and realise just how much we adore him. I hope that life doesn't stamp all over him and his dreams.

Advice for new and expectant mothers: Firstly get yourself to pregnancy yoga, it was brilliant at keeping me calm during the birth and I still use some techniques now if I need to calm things down a bit.

Look after your back. You only get one spine, mine is effectively ruined now. Be kind to your body.

Other mums can be awful, so find ones you actually like. I went to an awful, cliquey playgroup for six horrible months because I thought I should. They went out of their way to make me feel excluded, I found another play group who are wonderful. Shop around and find groups you like.

Do it your own way, you know yourself and your child best, don't bow to pressure from other people if you think it's the wrong thing to do.

We've tried to be true to ourselves and be pretty laid back parents, encouraging in all the right places, cracking down on anything dodgy like not sharing, throwing his food, biting etc.

We said from the moment he started walking that someone wouldn't always be there to pick him up later in in life, so now if he falls he picks himself up, if he hurts himself then we will be there for him.

For a time it was hard to watch him fall and we had to sit on our hands, but stoic little chap that he is, most of the time he picks himself up, dusts himself down and he's off running. Lots of people tell us "look, he's fallen down" thinking we've not seen it, but we have. They probably think we're terrible but he's not hurt, he's fine. He knows how to solve his problems and that we'll be there if he gets stuck. Isn't that what every parent wants for their child.

Jane can be found on Twitter at @hodgepodgedays and her blog is http://hodgepodgeandsplodge.wordpress.com