Jo, Lucy, Ava and Chloe

Name: Jo

Children: Lucy 9, Ava 6 and Chloe 3 

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: Si and I met when we were teenagers. We went to University and moved in together, then bought our house, got married and babies were next.... that’s how it happens isn’t it? 

Except after all those years of trying not to get pregnant I thought it’d be so easy, you know – stop taking those little pills and hey presto 40 weeks later a gorgeous baby and so on. I imagined a lovely little boy who’d look just like his Daddy, I’d breast feed, go to playgroups, have the patience of a saint and juggle motherhood with work no problem.... hahaha. 

Reality of Motherhood: Well I never expected my pregnancy to fail; to lose my precious miracle before it’s had even had a chance, and then the next one too. This was a heartbreaking journey but 3rd time was lucky for us and we welcomed our gorgeous Lucy Loo into the world 9 years ago after a horrendous labour and birth, which I swore I would never ever ever put myself through again. 

Motherhood was what I expected and more, this tiny person who I’d never thought would be here was real. I adored her, I hated it when even my husband took her out it was so intense. I tried breastfeeding and found it really hard. It hurt like hell, my nipples bled and I was so nervous about feeding her in public I timed going out around feeds, it was crazy. 

I then one day was holding Luce - she was 8 weeks old - and I had this truly horrible feeling; I was petrified I’d hurt her. I had to go and put her in her cot as I just couldn’t hold her. It was terrible. To love someone so much, but then be so scared of them at the same time. These intense feelings went on for 2 years until I was diagnosed with severe PND – seriously.. 2 bloody years! I was never going to have another baby...

Then we decided we needed to at least try and give Lucy a sibling. So we tried again. 2 more miscarriages followed then on the third go we conceived Ava. Ava is a determined little soul. I had bleeds throughout the pregnancy, bad ones, I remember going for the scans weekly as even the midwives thought I’d lost her numerous times, but there was her little heartbeat beating on the screen. 

I was petrified about my PND returning and had CBT therapy whilst pregnant to help with my feelings. It was great! Ava arrived without any problems and the birth was a much better experience. Yes it hurt, but I was in control and was home within 6 hours. It was so different than my experience with Lucy’s birth. 

I was more in control this time round, less panicked and coped a lot better, breast feeding was fantastic this time too and I have to admit I fed her until she was 2. The funny thing was as soon as I got home from the hospital that day with Ava, I knew I had to do it again. I was desperate to! It took 2 years to convince my lovely husband that it *would* be a good idea to have 3 children as 2 was far too neat! It was fabulous. I finally got my textbook pregnancy and an amazing really enjoyable delivery. Honestly.  

Taking your children home for the first time: I remember when we brought Lucy home, how tiny she looked in the car seat, how slow we drove, how we got home and showed her around the house (even though she was asleep) and then thought ok...what on earth do we do now?! 

Taking Ava home was easier, I didn’t feel quite as unwell and I remember going to my neighbours sons 5th birthday party in the back garden with my brand new baby. Someone asked how old she was and I suddenly realised she was 9 hours old...think I was still high as a kite as I went on a bouncy castle and managed to not let my insides fall out. 

Chloe came home to two very excited big sisters, so that again was a different experience.  A busy household where the chance of having any rest was very slim. But I finally felt like my family was complete. Those first days I was shattered, but very happy. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The continuous worry that everyone is happy, healthy and that you aren’t doing something totally wrong that is going to damage your children forever. 

The fact that I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep for more than two consecutive nights, for over 9 years, yep 9 years. 

The juggling of relationships, when your child comes home and is sad because someone’s been mean... it really hurts. 

Sibling rivalry is awful, the fights, the noise, the handprints up the walls and the washing.

Arrgghhh how can 3 small people make so much mess?! 

Wondering if you and your partner are ever going to go out beyond the local neighbourhood ever again? 

In fact just to talk about something that isn’t child related would be amazing. 

Juggling my job as a remote pa with the demands of a young family. I know they feel like I’m always working sometimes, but I love that after 9 years of being a ‘Mummy’ first and foremost, I have built my own little career again. 

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing the personalities of the little people you created emerging from the tiny bodies and screwed up faces. 

The dependency on you, although scary as hell, is also truly magical. 

Your children’s faces when they do something new or manage something for the first time. 

The unconditional love. 

Seeing the relationships within your family change and grow. 

Your toddler saying ‘Love you Mama’ and really meaning it! 

Best Advice: Bin the books! This came from my Mum. I was so desperate first time round to get into a routine, and failed every time. It took me a while to realise that babies kind of get themselves into a routine when they are ready, but then they also change it just as you start to get used to it! 

Worst Advice: To keep breastfeeding with my first child, I endured 6 months of pain, when really I should have just admitted defeat and given her a bottle. I used to dread every feed and think this contributed to my PND. Yes breastfeeding is fab, cheap, a lovely bonding experience and I had that the next times round but if your nipples feel like they are going to fall off for 6 months, don’t beat yourself up about using a bottle! 

Advice for new/expectant mums: Enjoy every precious moment. It goes so so fast. 3rd time round I feel like if I blink I’m going to miss it. Before I know it they’ll all be at school. 

Go with your instincts, you really are the best person for your baby. 

Try a few different playgroups; meeting other mum’s is a great way of realising you are feeling ‘normal’ but it took me a few goes to find some that weren’t petrifying cliquey. 

Be kind to yourself! You are going to be very tired for a while, so does that washing really need putting away right now?....

Monika and Isabelle

Name: Monika  

Child: Isabelle, 2 yrs (Schmoo2 is due in May 2012) 

Location: Manchester.

Expectations of Motherhood: I was really lucky as I have 2 younger sisters and also some very close friends who had babies a while before I did. As a result I think I was a lot better prepared for what was to come than many of my friends. I was expecting to feel exhausted beyond sanity and I was expecting to miss being spontaneous for example. I'm really pleased I did 'know' that was coming, as otherwise I think that would have been a real shock.

I always knew I wanted to be a mum but that I'd like to start around the age of 30. I never wanted to be a young mum, which some of my friends really did. I was very lucky to meet the right man when I did, which gave us the chance to be together as a couple for a few years without the added pressure of feeling the biological clock ticking. We both felt ready for parenthood at the point we decided to try for a baby.

Reality of Motherhood: I hadn't expected pregnancy to be quite as hard as it was. With my first pregnancy I bled a lot in the first few months, and so had several trips to the hospital thinking I was having a miscarriage. The emotional exhaustion of this seriously took its toll on me. I was also sick every day for about 20 weeks, and I remember at times consoling myself when lying on the sofa with a bucket in my hands that the sicker I felt the more pregnant I must be! I remember being so dizzy that I couldn't stand up in the shower, and wasn't safe to drive anywhere. That experience made me wait longer than I perhaps would have to try for a second baby as the idea of dealing with all of that while looking after a child was daunting to say the least.

The rollercoaster didn't stop there. At 16 weeks we had the blood test to check for downs, and I vividly remember the phonecall that came telling us we were 'very' high risk. Our 'numbers' came back as a 1 in 50 chance of our baby having downs, which was a real shock. I hadn't expected there to be so few answers for us. I knew that I didn't want an amnioscentesis, and yet that was all the midwife was able to talk to us about. There seemed to be so little information about how that statistic was arrived at and what might affect the numbers, or how they know the difference between the 5% false positive result, and what would be one of the 49 babies without downs. I felt very vulnerable at that time and unsupported by the medical staff because I just couldn't get any answers to my questions. I spent a long time looking up local support groups, and it made me feel a lot better knowing they were there if I were to need them. I felt incredibly lucky that my husband and I felt the same about how to proceed and wanted to make the same decisions. I remember feeling very sympathetic to any couples who found themselves in that situation who disagreed with each other about what to do next.

So far my second pregnancy couldn't be more different. I haven't been sick, and the dizzyness hasn't been as extreme. We've just had our first scan and all seems to be progressing well. We declined the test this time.

The reality of motherhood once Isabelle was born was in large part what I was expecting. Isabelle didn't sleep through the night for about 7 months, and for a long time was feeding almost every 1.5 - 2 hours, including at night. I really was exhausted. The combined exhaustion and wonder of it all meant that there were days and days where I just looked at her, and studied her face when she was sleeping. I remember people telling me that sleep would be interrupted and to sleep when baby sleeps. People who said that made me want to scream by the end of the first few weeks. I just couldn't put Isabelle down for about 5 weeks. I remember doing the 'pick up put down' thing and settling her and then popping her in her moses basket, but she would only sleep when she was being cuddled. She would cry and cry and cry otherwise. In the end my husband and I would tag team the night shift to try and make sure we both got some sleep. So I was up til about 3am and then he would get up. The time she first slept an hour in her moses basket I actually did a little dance. She didn't have naps in her cot during the day until after she started nursery and they all did it there. Luckily she does now still have a nap, which means that finally I can sleep when baby sleeps and have an afternoon nap if I need one!

Taking your child home for the first time:
I gave birth at 5am and remember getting onto the ward at 7am, just when the curtains were being opened, breakfast started coming round and everyone was rising for the day. All I wanted to do was close my eyes, but a steady stream of people would come by, from the photographer to the ear test lady to the person asking what I wanted for lunch etc. I decided by about 8am that I didn't want to stay in hospital and just wanted to get home as fast as I could. It took til 4pm for us to be able to leave and I was getting really impatient to get off the ward and into the privacy and quiet of my home. I remember wanting to sit in the back of the car with Isabelle on the way home to be close to her. We had said no overnight visitors for the first couple of weeks, as we just didn't know how we would feel, but I really enjoyed having a steady stream of people popping in to see us. People were brilliant and brought us food, and did the washing up and just came and talked and offered company, which was perfect. I couldn't really walk much for the first two weeks and so having friends come and entertain us while I sat on the sofa was perfect. I remember the first night being both wonderful and daunting, and we were in the middle of a heatwave, and I remember having no idea about how to make sure her temperature was right. Would she be in a draught if we open the window? Will she be too hot if we don't? And the reality of what a sleepless night actually means. I was very glad I was at home, and very glad Tom was there next to me, rather than being on a ward by myself. 

The best/worst advice: Everyone offers an opinion. The most frustrating thing is those people who tell you things as fact. That something would work for every baby is nonsense, and so much of it is feeling your way and using your instinct and finding what works for you and also for your child.
I would say the main thing is to take help where it is offered. Or demand it if needed. If at the beginning people want to come and see you and meet the new baby, get them to bring lunch with them and if they offer to wash up - let them! It makes having visitors far more enjoyable. Everyone pitching in a little is so much better than you trying to juggle everything yourself. You have more important things to focus on.
My NCT group was a wonder, and we are still in touch and see each other most weeks now. It gave us all a group to share experiences, and often it was a relief to know other mothers were experiencing the same thing, or just to collapse on the sofa with a group of people just as exhausted as I was and completely understanding of what that means. The days could sometimes have felt very long without them.

The hardest parts of being a mother: I have found the hardest part came after maternity leave. I am a freelancer now but find my industry doesn't lend itself well to being balanced with motherhood. This came as a bit of a shock to me, as I've always thought arts and charity work are so pro the work/life balance that it would be relatively easy to work part time. The trouble is that so many aspects of this work are festival and/or evening based, that having a child in nursery 3 days a week doesn't give me the flexibility I need to make some of the work happen.
I used to go and see many live performances in literature and theatre, and go to talks and debates and networking evening. I miss the cultural offerings around Manchester, and I know I need to find a way to create a better balance with arts/culture and motherhood.

The best parts of being a mother: I love motherhood. I love discovering Isabelle's personality. She is incredibly fun to be around and it is a delight to see her discovering language and to see her sense of humour develop. She is excellent company and I'm very excited to see how she responds to being a big sister when the time comes next year.
I enjoy discovering the world from a new angle myself too. In showing the world to Isabelle and watching her discoveries and her delight I find I'm inspired and filled with wonder again myself, especially by things I forget to notice now because they have become ordinary.

Hopes for your family: That we continue to enjoy each other's company.
I also hope that I will be able to pay enough attention to Isabelle and the new baby next year. I want to feel that I'm giving enough attention, but also that I am experiencing enough of my children too.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Use your support networks, whether in person or online - find what works for you. Motherhood is wonderful but it is also extremely hard, and asking for help is a good thing to do.
Your instinct is the best tool you'll ever develop, so make sure you listen to it.
Your child is an individual and so are you. You can have all sorts of ideas about the kind of mother you will be, but you may be surprised by how your child responds. Don't be frightened of trying something completely different.

Monika Neall is a freelance community engagement manager in Manchester.
*She specialises in marketing, outreach and engagement strategies and projects.
*She provides corporate social responsibility consultancy for SMEs.
*www.the-pebble.co.uk