Jo, Finn and Elliot

Name: Jo 

Children: Finn, age 3.5 and Elliot age 7 months

Location: Glossop

Expectations of Motherhood: My mum was a single parent, she worked hard but wasn’t around a lot - I missed her. Then she died when I was 14 and so I always thought that motherhood was not a joyful thing, but more like hardworking. Thankfully I was wrong.

Reality of Motherhood: Tiredness like I’ve never known, but motherhood has healed my heart. I remember waking up early one morning to just watch both my sons as newborns and my heart was just full up and I thought, 'So this is what it’s like to really be happy.' 

Taking my children home for the first time: I was terrified. There was no way I could keep this little human alive without the help of a team of medical professionals was there?! I think my husband and I stopped the car 3 times on the way home from hospital just to check Finn was still breathing. I was a little more relaxed with Elliot - but only a little…

The best / worst advice: Best advice - pick your battles and let the little things go, and worst advice - don’t spoil your baby by picking them up and cuddling them...

The hardest parts of being a mother: My own mum died when I was 14. I have so many questions about being a mum that I would love to ask her, and she’s not here. Being a mum without my mum is often incredibly lonely. Sometimes I feel like a real fraud - surely everyone who sees me knows I don’t know what I’m doing… 

The best parts of being a mother: My children have filled a hole in my heart and life. My father left when I was very young, and my mum, both my grandmothers and my aunt all died within a few years of each other. I was left bereft and with a seriously hardened heart. 

I never thought I wanted to have children - I didn’t think I would make a good parent as I didn’t have parents to show me an example of what to expect. 

But being a mother has literally filled me with love and given me a new, more positive outlook on life. It's also hard work, and challenging everyday, but it forces me to look at myself and work on my attitude and outlook.

Has becoming a mother changed you: YES!! I have never been tested as much, or worked harder on myself to try to be positive and mindful - its the biggest challenge of my life and the biggest joy.

Hopes for your family: To laugh a lot, love each other and have fun adventures as often as possible. I want to laugh with my sons everyday.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Don’t rush - whether it be out of the house or into your old life - take your time and enjoy the loved-up bubble you live in with a newborn. Stay in your pjs, ask for help and just cuddle and love that little thing. Before you know it real life kicks in and your newborn is nearly ready to go to school...

Jess, Evelyn, Rosina and Polly

Name: Jess 

Children: Evelyn 6, Rosina 2, Polly 10 months

Location: Levenshulme, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I am incredibly lucky to have older siblings who all have ace partners. All of them had children before I did and my mum was so overjoyed when the first Grandchild Alasdair came along 11 years ago. She insisted we all leave work and sit in the Hospital canteen until he arrived (Polly was the last of 15 Grandchildren and I think I sent a text, and nobody came to visit!!). 

I spent alot of time watching my brothers and their partners and learned loads. I wasn't scared to have Evelyn passed to me when she was born and from that minute it felt right. That's not to say the sleeplessness wasn't hard, or I didn't panic when they got spots, but I didn't feel anxious as a new mum. I wrote a birth plan the first time round, afterwards realising it was probably made into paper aeroplanes by the Midwives - I didn't bother again after my 1st.  

Sadly when I was pregnant the second time my beautiful Mum died from kidney cancer. She saw the 12 week scan picture and sobbed. I can't imagine how heartbroken she must have felt knowing she would never meet the baby. She was one of my best friends and an amazing role model: calm, patient, tolerant and compassionate. Ironically my 2nd child is the most like her in looks. My expectations of being a Mum involved having her around to watch my children grow up. Without her, it is all quite alot harder.

Reality of Motherhood: I am always 2 weeks overdue; my third baby was 16 days late. I felt more confident the more children I had to fight against induction. I do believe that babies pay no heed to dates and come when they are ready. I am very lucky to have felt an immediate bond with each child when they were born, but I know lots of my friends who didn't. I am pretty sure that helped in getting us off to the right start. 

I thought I knew alot about having children, but the relentlessness of some of it is something you don't know until you have your own children. There is a constant demand for time, attention, food, comfort and (at the moment) I have very little time for my own space. I grew up in a big family with lots of people around all the time so I do like chaos and noise, but I also appreciate peace the older I get! Also as my children have got older, I realise that the baby/toddler stage can be tough, but actually negotiating the world, life, death, morals, rights and wrongs as the children grow up is tricky too. Evelyn has asked a lot of questions about death and how unfair it is to die if people still want you to be alive. All important questions, but when you are tired and grieving they are very hard questions to answer.

Taking your children home for the first time: They were 3 very different experiences. Evelyn came home to a tidy house which was prepared for a new baby, Rosina was born into water in the dining room (on purpose, not by accident!) and Polly came home to 2 big sisters, a house full of toys and adventure, and we both had to hit the ground running. I do remember bringing Ev home and my husband saying it was like being allowed to fall in love all over again (though he'd deny it if you asked him now!). I love the first few weeks with a new baby; there is a sense of calm in our house because the baby has arrived and it's all OK. Then things calm down and gently return to as it was before.

The best/worst advice: I remember one Midwife visiting after I'd had Evelyn and telling me my sofa 'might have looked nice in the catalogue but it was awful for breastfeeding'. She happened to be the Midwife who turned up for my 2nd home birth and was so 'old school' I loved her, she let me labour in peace and let me trust my body. It has taken me 37 years to realise and accept that you can't compare any life experiences with anyone, ever. Every parent and every child is different, if you take advice, do just that, take it, say thank you and get on with what you were doing.

 

The hardest parts of being a mother: At the moment (and I do know this is temporary) I struggle making time for myself. I put everyone else's needs first and that means I often feel exhausted and want to sit in a dark room on my own and rock gently!  Having 3 with a relatively small gap also means that the youngest are both still quite dependant; 2 sets of nappies, lack of sleep etc. That is tough. I also found that on occasion I get embroiled in a 'I'm more tired' argument with my Husband. I have honestly never had a boss or employer who worked me as hard as children do. It is full on, non-stop 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and at times, exhausting. Somedays I fall into bed realising that I have needed the loo/drink for hours and haven't managed to.

The best parts of being a mother: Well, this is bit that makes it all worth it..the fun, laughter, mess, chaos, kisses, cuddles, the smell of their heads.. all of it. I spend my days with 3 people who have a sense of inquisitiveness and excitement at the opening of a box. I go swimming with Evelyn and its like being 6 again. I blow raspberries on Rosina's belly and the noise she makes would cheer the heaviest heart. They are learning and growing every day and I am excited to see who they grow into and what sense they make of the world. My Mum didn't live in the past and talk about us as children a lot, she enjoyed us at every stage of our lives and I want to do the same.  As amazing as babies are, watching Polly learn to clap, Rosina learn to climb a ladder, Evelyn learn to swim under water is all as thrilling and life-enhancing.  I feel very privileged to call them my children.

Has becoming a mother changed you? I'm not really sure. I always wanted to be a Mum so I feel like I now have the brood I always wanted. I've never really spent lots of money on clothes or been glamorous,  so the yoghurt/snot/Weetabix/sick all over my clothes by 7.35am doesn't bother me. I don't drink as much, or make my mates stay up until the small hours drinking whisky and talking nonsense, so I'm sure they are pleased about that. My best chum Gemma said she thinks I've managed to stay me throughout 3 kids, so I'll take that as a compliment (and she benefits from me wanting a cup of tea before midnight and not tequila shots..).

Hopes for your family: I do try and be mindful and live in the here and now. If I'd have had any hopes for our future it would have been that my Mum were here to meet the children and give me a hand, and she isn't. 

My only hopes are that they can steer their own path through life, appreciate life for what it is and that if and when they have any sadness, they can still see how amazing life is and find something to make them smile.  I know they will be interesting, bright and caring women and I am very excited to watch them grow up. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I would try not to be presumptuous that my advice would work for anyone other than me (!) but if I were to meet myself before children, or if my children ever ask, I'd say 5 things: 1. Get sleep whenever you can, 2. Accept help 3. Be confident that what you are doing is right 4. If you are going to read *any* books, make it Stand and deliver by Emma Mahony, any Dr Sears books and The Incredible years by Carolyn Webster Stratton 5. Nobody else is doing it better than you, they just say they are..

Sally, Faith and Ethan

Name: Sally

Children: Faith, 4 years 

and Ethan, 9 weeks

Location: Salford 

Expectations of Motherhood: I've worked with children for my entire adult life so I felt pretty confident about having a baby, I knew all the practicalities and thought that the emotions would come easily. Having a baby was also in no way going to change my life at all, the baby would have to come along to whatever I was doing and everything would be beautiful. 

Faith was so wanted so I was really ready to be a mum and just couldn't wait to get on with it.

Reality of Motherhood: Oh where to start! You know after the Duchess of Cambridge appeared outside the hospital hours after giving birth, looking amazing and smiley and perfect? It's nothing like that. Motherhood is fraught and scary and demanding. Don't get me wrong, it's the most amazing thing you'll ever do, but it takes you to unknown places and in ways you can only imagine. For me I had times, when Faith was a baby, of forgetting who I was. Everything was about her and making sure she was constantly happy and not crying, it was exhausting, it still is on occasion, but now I have a better balance.

Around three months after Faith was born I think post-natal depression kicked in. This wasn't part of my plan. I wasn't going to get this because I worked with children, I knew what I was doing, so I denied it. 

I lived, probably for the best part of 18 months, with an intense sense of doom, I KNEW something would happen to my child, it was always there, like I couldn't give anyone the normal version of me because I constantly felt that I lived in a tin can of despair. I also felt that the sleepless nights and the intensity of our relationship would never improve! I remember an aunt saying that her son didn't sleep through until he was 18 months and I felt devastated that it could take this long (as it happens Faith took three years to sleep through in the end!). I never spoke about this and I never had any help. So when Ethan came along I thought I'd end up down the same path, but so far so good. 

Having a four year gap is like starting again though, I'd forgotten so much in that time, fortunately (or unfortunately maybe) it doesn't take long to remember! 

Second time around and Ethan really has had to fit into family life. It helps that he's a really chilled little boy, whilst not as demanding as Faith, the sleepless nights are still no prettier!

You find yourself wishing your baby's life away, I really did with Faith and I couldn't wait for the next milestone, but with Ethan I don't feel like that. I'm enjoying him being a baby and I'm fairly sure the lack of sleep wont last forever. He's my last baby and I want to savour him.

Taking your children home for the first time: I planned a home birth with both of my children so never intended to 'go home' with either. However, neither home birth was meant to be and I was induced in hospital with both. 

I remember getting home with Faith, putting her in a Moses basket and thinking 'what am I meant to do with her?'. It felt crazy that someone had allowed me to be in charge of such a tiny thing.

With Ethan it was completely different. My first thought was, 'Have we got something in for Faith's tea?' and 'Can I have a snooze before she gets home'!
Bringing Ethan home was like completing a circle; our family is complete and he is the final piece, so it felt less overwhelming and more celebratory.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I had was no advice. Despite reading all the books and my years of experience with children, there were so many times when I felt completely clueless. I'd cry on the phone to my mum about what I should do, and she never advised me, she'd ask what I wanted to do and told me to do it. You already have a gut feeling about what you think is best and I think going with that feeling is the best advice anyone can give.

The hardest parts of being a mother: When I was 27 weeks pregnant with Ethan, my own mother passed away. She'd been diagnosed with Lymphoma for about a year and we knew it wasn't going to end well, but nobody expected it to happen at that time. Since then it's been a rough road, there have been ups and downs and I am so very sad that she never got to meet Ethan. She was the only person to say he'd be a boy because she'd had a dream about him and I take comfort from this, it's like she had a sense of him before he came. 

It's hard not having my mum here to share both Faith and Ethan's every achievement with, I still think how I must text her about something that one of them has done and then remember that I can't, so it's like an ongoing grieving cycle. Faith also had a close relationship with her so dealing with her grief has been, at times, difficult. She asked one day if Mamar (from not being able to say Grandma) had a mobile phone with the angels because she wanted to tell her that she loved her.
My mum was the type of mum I aspire to be, she was gentle, loving and strong and I hope that I will be the same.

The best parts of being a mother: Producing two amazing little people is pretty awesome! Getting to know them both, learning things about them and things about me is a lifelong journey I look forward to treading.
I cherish so many moments, from the way only I can soothe Faith after a scraped knee to the little 'in' jokes we have and how we're introducing Ethan to the ways of our family. It's no bed of roses at all, but like everything in life, you have to take the rough with the smooth.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Without a doubt! Sometimes I look at my life now and it's unrecognisable. I never thought I'd embrace family life but I have and I wouldn't change any aspect of that. I like spending time with my children, I used to look forward to getting drunk at weekends, now I'm looking forward to going to see Disney on Ice! This isn't to say my life revolves around them, I'd still snap the hand off a babysitter and I still like a night out, it's just that they're rarer treats nowadays. 

I think Children are a great gift but they change everything you know about life as you know it; it's a celebration and a mourning all at the same time. You have to pick yourself up and put yourself back together in some ways, there's still everything there that makes you you, it's just that you're in a different order to before. 

Hopes for your family: My mum always said that being happy was one of the most important things in life and I stand by this. I don't care what they do or who they are I just want them to be happy. Life is far too short not to be.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Basically, go with the flow, don't sweat it and it won't always be like that. It's hard to see a way out during the difficult times but one day you'll look back and laugh (or maybe cry!).

Helen, Primrose, Willow and Luca

Name: Helen
Children: Primrose (12), Willow(6), Luca (4) and Honey (8 weeks) 

Location: Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: When I was pregnant for the first time I was really aware of the mother my mum had been. I didn't want to be the same but her values and morals had been instilled in me. I knew I wanted to pass them down to my daughter. I also had this real awareness that she was never going to meet her grandaughter as she had died years previously and I missed her greatly. I wanted to learn from her mistakes as I knew my daughter would learn from mine.

I remember thinking my life wasn't going to change too much and I would have tea out and a few drinks with a sleeping baby all tucked up in a buggy next to me. How wrong was I?

Reality of motherhood: I think the most scary thing of all is the worry that comes with being a mum. The need to make sure your child is ok. I think as I have had my fourth child the things that would have stressed me out when Willow was a baby don't stress me anywhere near as much with Honey.



The love is invincible. It can never be broken and the need to get it right for them and to admit when I have got it wrong is so important. I say to willow all the time that she will understand how much I love her when he has a child of her own. I don't think I ever understood how much my mum loved me until I had Willow.

When I first met Darren and he already had a 2 year old daughter Primrose and I remember thinking I had no idea what to do with a child. It took time, and I've found the role of being a step-mum is just as hard and rewarding as the role of a mum. A major breakthrough for me in those early days was when Primrose likened me to Truly Scrumptious from Chiity Chitty Bang Bang - someone who was a friend to the children and the 'daddy'. As she has become a beautiful (and stroppy) teenager, I am so proud that she can speak to me about relationships and friendships. Becoming a mum for the first time when you haven't made the choice to become a mum takes a lot of time and patience, but I learnt such a lot from Primrose in those early days.

Willow is a mini me, I look at her and I feel I know her inside out, her worries, her kindness. She is a beautiful girl and so easy to be around. The reality of her birth was completely different than expected, I expected to use homeopathy and aromatherapy and ended up with a crash c-section under general anaesthetic hearing the words 'we don't have a minute...... ' as I went under. I initially felt traumatised by her birth as I honestly believed we were going to die, but I do feel the fact that new mums share birthing stories helped the natural healing process and I think I talked about it a lot initially.
Our third child Luca (or scamp as he is known) is such a life wire. A boisterous little fella who just wants to fight and jump around. My heart melts when he calls me his loveheart or tells me I am beautiful. It makes trying to get him ready for school in the morning whilst breastfeeding Honey all worth it.


And then there is Honey! Our miracle baby. When Luca was a few months old, Darren was diagnosed with stage 4 non hodgkins lymphoma. He had a huge tumour in his chest which had collapsed a lung and was attached to his heart. It had also spread to his adrenal glands. He spent Luca's first 18 months in and out of hospital with infections and chemo and radiotherapy. At the time I felt the need to keep everything as normal as possible. I returned to full-time work from mat leave and got on with the usual chaos of being a mum and partner. I don't think it was until he got the all clear I really felt the emotions of seeing him so very unwell. My friends still talk about the fact I didn't share with them some of the times he was in hospital with horrendous infections, or when he had a mild heart attack and he drove himself to hospital whilst I put the kids in the bath and read them stories. It was the most difficult time in our lives, but has had the most positive impact. I am so grateful that I am able to be a partner to him and every day of being a mum to my gorgeous children is something to be so very thankful for. Since then Darren set up a charitable organisation called Nelly Globe which he says is a tribute to how I kept the family together when he was ill. I don't think I did anything any differently to any other mother.

Taking your children home: It is so lovely walking through your front door with your baby. Each time I have loved that and just being home with your family is just wonderful. I always feel like it all looks different after a few days in hospital and this time I noticed how much my other children had missed me as well. Being in a newborn bubble getting to know the newest member of our family is a privilege as well as the relief that we have all made it home in one piece.

Best advice: My lovely Aunty and mother-in-law seem to have a way of settling a baby instantly and never look flustered with a newborn. I think babies love the calmness they bring. 

I feel much calmer with Honey than I did with willow. I guess the knowledge that it will all be ok in the end is the best advice I have been given as well as the fact that each stage passes - good or bad. Sleep deprivation, toddler tantrums which eventually become teenage tantrums.... Each one has a shelf life and will not last forever......

Worst advice: I can't remember it I guess I probably didn't listen.
I guess people only give it with good intentions and everyone has a different way. Some people may think my way is ridiculous.

The best parts of being a mother: The endless cuddles and hearing the words, 'I love you'. Hearing Primrose singing, watching Willow doing a cartwheel and Luca saying 'you are my life and I love my life mama'. Those first smiles from Honey are amazing and thinking at the moment as a breastfed baby she needs nothing else in her life. 

As a working mum I love that moment at the end of the day when I pick my kids up from nursery or afterschool club and especially when they are young and they fall into your arms. 

The hardest parts about being a mother: The hardest part for me is leaving the house; it may seem ridiculous, but getting three or four kids to all be in the car with shoes, coats, book bags, bags, PE kits, pack lunches, spare clothes and nappies is so stressful. I used to think my job as a psychiatric nurse was stressful, but now I always feel like I have done a full days work before getting there. I often arrive at work without my coat in the rain or snow.

Has being a mother changed you?: I am more aware of the world we are leaving for our children, I am more aware of my surroundings and the beauty of living in a good and supportive community. I think I worry more about the actions of others and how they impact on my family, I worry a lot more now, but I think a lot of parents do. I also realised much more how much my mum loved me and I wish I had been able to to tell her that before she died. 

Hopes for my family: All I could wish for is a happy and healthy life. I am not bothered what they do or how they do it as long as they are happy. 

What advice would I give new and expectant mothers? You know best - better than midwives, health visitors, your GP, your next door neighbour, your mum or your best friend! Trust your instinct, he or she is your baby and has just spent nine months growing inside you. Every baby is different, you may breast or bottle-feed and they will be fine, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for the choices you make, they are all with the best intentions for your beautiful baby.

Enjoy it, before you know it they are stroppy teenagers wanting to go out by themselves which brings a whole new worry. Enjoy every second - even the sleeplessness and the worry a newborn brings - it is magical and exhilarating as well as tiring and hard,but it can't be repeated and it moves on so quickly.

Lisa and Eben

Name: Lisa

Child: Eben aged 9

Location: Wakefield, West Yorkshire

Expectations of motherhood: I was petrified when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and I was no longer with the father. It wasn’t so much the practicalities that bothered me - I'd spent the first few years of my working life in nurseries and as a nanny, so I was prepared for the realities of caring for a child. It was the financial implications of raising a child that worried me. 

At the time I was working in a call centre and wasn’t earning a fortune. I knew that having a child and being able to be a parent to that child would mean me reducing my hours. I worked hard throughout my pregnancy to add to what savings I had. I wanted to give us a good start, but I do feel like I missed out on enjoying the pregnancy. Things like appointments with the midwife meant taking time off work and that bothered me, but looking back on it I wish I had savoured that time.

Reality of motherhood: Eben was due on the 27th of the month and surely enough my contractions started that day. They weren’t regular contractions though, and ended up in slow labour for 2 days. I finally made the phone call to my friend and birthing partner around 4am on the 29th to tell her that I was ready to go to the hospital, and following another 18 hours of active labour Eben finally graced us with his presence. I recall looking down at him as he was laid on to my stomach, he turned his tiny head and looked me straight in the eyes with an expression that seemed to say, “What took you so long?!” 
It hit me at that point that my life would never be the same again. 

Taking him home: He slept through the night at the hospital and after making sure he was feeding ok we were allowed home that afternoon. I couldn’t wait to leave the hospital as all the other babies on the ward seemed to do nothing but cry. I just wanted some time alone with my little bundle. 

I was living with my mum at the time and I remember getting to her house, putting down the car seat and just looking at him sleeping, wondering what to do next. We weren’t left wondering for long though, as the crying started shortly afterwards and continued almost non-stop for several weeks. He hated to be left alone and wanted to be held constantly and walked around, which apart from being impractical was also exhausting. At one point I left him to cry in his cot and sat outside the bedroom door. I was in tears just praying that he would settle down, but he cried so hard that he made himself sick. I felt like the worst mother in the world for allowing that to happen. 

If it hadn’t been for my mum I simply wouldn’t have coped. We used to take it in turns to eat, so that the other could pace the floor with him. If she hadn’t been there to cook I probably would have survived on biscuits. 

Eben didn’t like to sleep - he would only do so for an hour or so at a time - and the best way to get him to sleep was to feed him, but frustratingly this was the one time I didn’t want him to go to sleep! I was breastfeeding him and within minutes of him latching on he’d be fast asleep. The silence was much welcomed, but I knew he wasn’t getting enough to eat, so he’d be awake again in no time. I suffered it for a few weeks and then decided to express my milk and bottle feed him, partially so I could see exactly how much milk he was getting and partially so my mum could do some of the feeds. This way I could at least get a shower without worrying that he’d start screaming for a feed as soon as I turned the water on.

We stayed with my mum until he was about 6 months old, by which time I felt we needed our own space – it was hard to be a mother and a daughter under the same roof. The daytime crying eventually stopped but the sleeping problems continued, and most nights I would resort to driving around to get him to sleep - often more than once in the same night! 

By 10 months I had to go back to work and I wept as I left Eben with a childminder for the first time. It was only 16 hours a week, but it was hard to do at first. I’m glad I did it though, even though I was going to work it was ‘my’ time and I actually considered it a break. By the time Eben was 18 months old I’d had enough of the constant waking up in the night - I was only getting on average around 4 hours sleep a night and It was taking it’s toll. I took him to see the doctor several times and was constantly fobbed off being told that he needed a routine and would eventually settle down, but he never did. 

On about our 5th visit to the doctor we got to see a student doctor who actually listened to what I had to say and examined Eben. The student doctor came to the conclusion that he had problems with his adenoids. We were referred to the local ENT hospital where it was confirmed both his adenoids and his tonsils were enlarged, and because of his sleeping pattern they booked us in for an overnight stay to do some sleep studies. Eben was hooked up to a machine that monitored his oxygen saturation levels as he slept. The following morning I was told that Eben suffered from sleep apnea. When he was laid flat and relaxed, because his adenoids and tonsils were so big they would block his airway and stop him breathing. This was why he woke up crying all the time. I was so relieved to finally have an answer, but also worried that my child was in effect suffocating every time I put him down to sleep – no wonder he never wanted to sleep! 

The specialist we were under was not helpful and just wanted to monitor the situation saying that it wasn’t uncommon and that he would ‘grow into’ his adenoids. So we fell into a routine of overnight stays at the hospital every few months for sleep studies. The results never changed and I wasn’t happy as Eben was now at nursery and was constantly getting into trouble through his behaviour (which I put down to tiredness and lack of sleep) – I was constantly grouchy so it stood to reason that he would be too. 

I eventually went back to the doctors and asked for a second opinion. We saw another ENT specialist in York a few weeks later who upon simply hearing Eben breath stated that he needed his adenoids out. They couldn’t do it at York as they had no infant ICU (which they needed in case problems arose due to the apnea). We were then referred to Leeds and within a couple of months Eben was admitted. He had both his tonsils and adenoids removed and grommets also inserted into his ears (he also had problems with his hearing and speech due to the adenoids.) That night in the hospital, at 4 years of age my son finally slept through the night and has done so practically every night since. Hallelujah! 

Best and worst advice: The worst advice I was given (by my health visitor) was to leave Eben to cry so he would get used to being in his cot on his own. I know this method works for some but I still feel guilty about doing it to this day. 

The best advice received was not to be afraid to ask for help. No one wants to feel like they can’t cope, but in reality we all have days like that. Many a time when Eben was in that fun toddler stage where he would tantrum at the slightest thing and could not be pacified, I was often just too tired or short tempered to deal with him. I would strap him in the car, take him to my mums and just leave him there for an hour or so while I cooled off.

Hardest parts of being a mother: I grew up in a family where my mum was the caregiver and my dad was the bread winner and disciplinarian. In our family I have to take on both of those roles. It's taken me a long time to figure out how to maintain both roles though -especially the boundaries when it comes to discipline. When I was kid all it took was one sentence from my mum - “Just wait until your Dad gets home!” - Dad very rarely actually had to do anything when he got home though because just the thought of him coming home and being cross was enough to stop us doing whatever it was we were doing. 
I don’t have the luxury of using that sentence. I can come across as quite a strict parent, but when I say, 'No' to something I mean No and if I threaten a punishment I always follow through with it. I believe it is important for us both to know where the boundaries lay and why they are there. I don’t like being the bad guy, but fortunately I don’t have to play that role very often these days. 

I enjoy being a working mum, and as Eben has got older and moved through school I have moved into better jobs and gradually increased my hours accordingly, and now work full time. Eben goes to breakfast club before school and my mum used to pick him up for me after school, and he would hang out with her for a couple of hours until I finished work. Sadly my passed away suddenly last Summer and so now he also goes to an after school club every night. Add to that the fact that he also goes to a childminder during school holidays. I feel massively guilty that he spends a lot of his free time with other people - we do have holidays away together and lots of days out on weekends - but ideally I would like to be at home with him more.

The best parts of being a mother: The unconditional love that you both give and receive is by far the best thing ever. Eben recently went away for the week with school and when I met him off the coach on his return I was in tears and he was bouncing up and down with excitement to get to me and give me a cuddle. 

The enormous pride you feel in their every achievement be it their first steps or that one line in the school play. 

Seeing their character develop and recognising yourself in them – although that’s not always a good thing!

Watching them grow in to little people with their own minds and opinions and knowing that along the way you have been an influence in that.

Has becoming a mother changed you? Definitely! A close friend recently told me I was the most sensible person she knew – no one would have said that about me 10 years ago!

Hopes for your family: I always wanted a big family but in reality that’s not going to happen. I’m grateful that I have Eben and the fact that he’s an only child means that we are very close and we have a great relationship. I hope that we can maintain that as he grows older.

Advice to new and expectant mums: Take time to smell the roses. Life passes in the blink of an eye and children grow so quickly that you will soon wonder where your baby went. Take photos, lots of photos of everything and cherish every moment – even the bleary eyed ones at 3am. (And if you can’t already then learn to drive just in case you’re still bleary eyed at 4am).

Frances and Mia

Name: Frances 

Child: Mia, 18 months 

Location: Wythenshawe, Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I thought it would be easy!

I’d always wanted a baby, and when I fell pregnant I was so excited, but at the same time really scared. I was 16 and still living with my mum, with no place of my own and no financial security. I did think it would be fairly straight forward though because my sisters all have lots of kids, so I’m used to being surrounded by children.

When I was pregnant I didn’t know whether she was a boy or girl, so by the end I was couldn’t wait to find out what I was having. My sister came along to the scans and although I hadn’t wanted to know the sex, my sister tried to get the sonographer to tell her the sex of the baby secretly. He did look but he couldn’t see because Mia had her legs crossed.

During my whole pregnancy my mum was really ill and I was her main support - my brother lived with us, but he was rarely in. Then she ended up being taken to hospital and I ended up having to travel from Moss Side to Wythenshawe hospital regularly to visit her. Money was tight because as a pregnant 16 year old I was not eligible for any financial help. I was having to steal lifts where I could to go and see her, and grabs little bits of money off her for food, etc when I could. She had lots of animals so would always give me cash to feed them.

Reality of motherhood: Not easy at all.

I loved the birth. The second I went into labour I was so excited. It was amazing - I was going to find out whether I was having a boy or girl! I was in labour for 24 hrs, and it did hurt, but it was fine really. I think the pain was exaggerated by the fact that it was my first baby and I didn’t really know what to expect. At the end I was knackered but I can’t wait to do it again - I loved it! 



Despite loving the whole pregnancy and the labour, I’ve found raising Mia really hard. I love her to bits, but being a mum is so exhausting. Recently Hassan and I have thought about trying again for another baby, but then we decided that Mia wasn’t quite old enough. I had to be realistic about the amount of effort involved and the fact that I actually don’t get any time to myself. She still needs so much of my attention - I think another baby right now would be too much.

Mia is a really good girl though and she sleeps really well. I had to wake her up this morning; she slept through till 12pm! I find routine really important for both of us - every night it’s bath, bed and bottle for 7pm so that I can watch the soaps. I feel like I need ‘mummy time’. Sometimes you have to be strict because otherwise they can walk all over you, but there are times when I’ll ease off and let her come and join me in the evenings for a cuddle if she wakes up.

Taking her home: It was scary taking her home. She was born on her due date and when she came out she seemed so tiny and fragile. In the hospital they’d shown me how to bath her and had taught me about breastfeeding - I was totally prepared - but being left on my own was quite daunting. 



At first I stayed at my mums and remember spending a week sleeping on the sofa with Mia in a moses basket next to me. I was so tired that I didn’t even bother going upstairs to my bedroom other than to get nappies or clothes. Mia was pretty good early on and behaved how you’d expect a newborn to - waking and feeding pretty regularly - but I remember finding breastfeeding so exhausting. Hassan helped me out so much and would take her off me in the nights during those first few weeks. He was, and still is, really good with her.

I was offered a place to live when I was pregnant, but wasn’t allowed to move in till after she was born. A week after she arrived, I moved into my own place. It felt good to have my own tenancy with my own name on the contract. It did feel strange though. I’d been used to cleaning the house and cooking for lots of people - for my mum, my brother and his friends while my mum had been poorly - but this place was just for me and Mia and it was new to me to be doing it all on my own.

Best and worst advice: Since finding out I was pregnant with Mia I have always had the same health visitor, she’s from the ‘Family nurse partnership’. The Family Nurse Partnership help with young first time mums and you get assigned one of their health visitors when you’re pregnant. They visit you till the baby is 2. She’s helped me get a grant for college equipment, she’s helped me make appointments and has been there to push certain people when they need a little nudge. She’s always there with help and advice.

I was also given a social worker when I was pregnant - I was given me the impression it was something that they do for all young mums, but later I discovered it was because they felt that my mums parenting might be reflected in mine. I had been given a social worker as child because of reports of neglect. I wanted to show them that I would be a good mum though. I took all the support I was offered to prove I was committed to being a mum.

My social worker did help me with financial support - I had to ask for the help, but I was entitled to money. It was weird that they didn’t make it apparent to me despite knowing I was struggling with money. It was only when the health visitor said, “Ask your social worker for the money - it is available,” that I knew to ask for help there. I didn’t understand the benefits system at all because I was 16 - it’s all so complicated.

Some of the (government) support I’ve received has really helped, but I didn’t need it all. They didn’t trust that I could ask for help myself. They didn’t believe that I’d be responsible, so that’s the reason why they gave me supported housing. To prove them wrong I just make sure that I use every bit of support to my advantage - if it’s there it’s definitely worth using.

Regarding good advice, my sisters have been really helpful. They all have 4/5 kids each and when I was buying stuff they’d warn me about the things I shouldn’t bother buying, like changing tables. I ignored them and bought one anyway, and well, they were right - it’s hardly ever been used. My family really do leave the parenting to me though and they trust that I know what I’m doing.

Hardest parts of being a mother: When she’s poorly. When she’s ill it’s really hard work because her sleep is so disturbed. And the times when she’s fed, bathed and clean, but she’s still crying. I think, “I can’t give you any more!” It’s so hard to know what’s wrong sometimes. 

I don’t get much time on my own either. It’s only recently that I’ve started to get any time to myself. In those early months I didn’t put make up on or do my hair. I never had time to look after myself, but that was quite unlike me. It’s been nice to spend a bit more time on the way I look now she’s a bit older and less demanding.

Losing my mum has been hard too. She’d always been in a wheelchair, so she’d never seen my place - it’s a shame. She did get to see Mia lots when when I took her over though. It was in November that she died, just before my 18th birthday. She’d promised she’d buy the drink for me to have a party, but died just before and she didn’t get chance to celebrate with me. I’m the youngest of her kids; her baby. To remember her, on my birthday I went to go see her and shared a drink with her on the grave so that I could mark my birthday with her. I still don’t think I’ve come to terms with it though.

We do have family support though from all of my sisters, and Hassan’s mum lives nearby. I’d known a few of his brothers and sisters before I was pregnant, but I only really met his mum when I’d had Mia. We do get on really well though and Mia goes over to stay now and again.

The best parts of being a mother: Little things that they do. The milestones too, like walking, her first birthday, saying, “mama” and getting her first tooth. You think, “Wow. This is what it’s all about.” It has been amazing to just watch her turn into a proper person.

Has being a mother changed you: I’ve learnt a lot. I’m still the same person, but I’ve had so many new experiences. I look back at the younger me, and back then I thought I knew it all. Now I’ve experienced motherhood I feel a lot wiser. You have to adapt and learn - find your own ways. I imagine that once you’ve learnt how to be a mum it it’s like riding a bike.

Hopes for your family: Eventually I’d like to have 4 children - 3 more after Mia. That will be my family. I’m from a big big family, so I love being surrounded by kids.

Career-wise I want to own a big health spa. I’m very ambitious. I’ve started my beauty therapy course - currently doing level 1, and then hope to carry on the level 2, 3, and then want I want to do Holistic therapy after that.

I’ve planned it all out, but in the end I want to own a house and move out to France.

Also, I’ve looked into surrogacy because I enjoyed the pregnancy and labour so much. I think I’d love it. Right now I can’t do it because I’d have to stop smoking and I don’t think I’d succeed in quitting right now, but I’d love to give someone a gift like that one day.

Advice to new and expectant mums: Do what you feel is right and don’t be scared by what other people say. Everyone has different experiences of pregnancy, child birth and motherhood. 

To mums in my situation, well, good luck! It’s been hard. I would say, push yourself and never give up. If you want to do something and it goes wrong, don’t give up, try again the next day, and if that doesn’t work try the day after. Wake up everyday thinking, ‘Today’s the day‘. There is nothing that a young mum can’t do that an older mum can.


Frances and Mia featured in photographer Len Grant's award winning blog http://herfirstyear.co.uk - a wonderful piece of work and well worth a read.