Molly and Elliot

Name: Molly 

Child: Elliot, 9 months

Location: Prestwich, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: To be honest, I didn’t have many; as hard as I tried, I found it difficult to imagine what it was actually going to be like! I do remember looking forward to experiencing the overpowering love I knew I’d have for my baby, though.

Reality of Motherhood: All consuming, incredibly tiring, but ultimately totally wonderful.

Taking your child home for the first time: After a 17-hour labour ending in an emergency caesarean and four sleepless nights on the ward, I was SO desperate to get home, but I was unprepared for the shitty reality of having to combine looking after a newborn with recovering from major abdominal surgery. I was lucky to have lots and lots of support from my husband as well as my mum in the early days, but it was still incredibly tough. Being so exhausted from my hospital stay started things off on the back foot, and the sleep deprivation hit me mega hard (I was a ‘nine hours a night’ kind of girl before). I hated how helpless I felt and the fact that my stitches meant I couldn’t do lots of the stuff I wanted to for Elliot, who I found both amazing and terrifying in equal measure. I remember thinking to myself more than once, ‘What the hell have I signed up for here?’. But it quickly got better, and easier –thank god!

The best/worst advice: 

The best: 'There is no such thing as too much love'. All the baby books bombard you with advice on the importance of establishing a routine, tips on how to stop them waking in the night, crying when you leave the room, all that stuff. And it’s so exhausting tending to a newborn that naturally you sometimes find yourself wishing for the time when they won’t need you so much; when they’ll feed less, or stop falling asleep on you, or be able to sit up on their own – I’ve certainly been guilty of this. But I’ve also always tried really hard to remember that each phase is fleeting and one day Elliot won't crave the same kind of closeness from me. So I try to make the most of every cuddle, enjoy his neediness as much as possible, and give him every bit of love I can. 

The worst: 'Your baby will be happier/smarter if you take them to baby yoga/baby massage/sensory storytime, etc.' Don't get me wrong: stimulating activities like this definitely have their value, not least that they help dispel the cabin fever you get from endless days indoors. But, during the first four months or so, I wore myself out trying to get Elliot to numerous classes on time, dragging a ludicrously overpacked nappy bag behind me and feeling extremely harassed, all because I believed it would – MUST – massively benefit him. Truth is, four times out of five, he spent the majority of the time asleep or very cranky, and clearly was way too tiny to get anything out of them. Now we choose our activities carefully and I don’t let myself feel guilty if we’re having an off day and don’t manage to make it to a class – there’s lots of fun we can have together at home too.

The hardest parts of being a mother: That it’s 24/7 and your brain never, ever switches off from thinking about them. Having so little headspace can be hard to adjust to, and that’s why I think it’s important to try and do something for yourself every once in a while. That's why I started Mamas Collective. I firmly believe that having your own interests and taking a bit of ‘me’ time makes you a better mum in the long run.  

The best parts of being a mother: There are so many things! I’m so proud to have created my own little family, and watching Elliot grow and develop is more satisfying than anything I’ve experienced before. My relationship with my husband is better than ever – I love seeing how well he’s taken to fatherhood. Life is much more meaningful and fulfilling to me now. And I feel like I’ve gained membership to this awesome club of incredible women who are achieving amazing things and giving so much of themselves day after day.  

Has becoming a mother changed you? Even though it’s only been nine months, motherhood’s changed me completely, in all the best ways. At first, I used to miss lots about the old me, but I’ve quickly realised that the new me is generally better all round – I’m more compassionate, less selfish, stronger, and I’ve finally got my priorities straight. I still wish I could concentrate as well as I used to, though!

Hopes for your family: Even more happiness and lots of togetherness.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? It’s easier said than done when you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing and are terribly afraid of getting something wrong – all while operating on very little sleep – but try and relax. I used to be pretty highly strung and, as a consequence, I put myself under too much unnecessary pressure to do everything perfectly during the first few weeks of Elliot’s life. Take time to soak up the magic of your brand new baby and let someone else worry about the washing up.

Molly runs a group called Mamas Collective, which hosts meetups, workshops and events designed with mums in mind. www.mamas-collective.com

Bridget and Albert

Name: Bridget 

Child: Albert, 5 yrs

Location: West Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: I thought, as an older first-time mum (I was 38 when I had Albert) that I would be somehow more savvy and chilled than my younger self. It was a cocky expectation though...

I was a bit worried I might be bored on maternity leave and not be able to find enough things to do. I loved my job as an assistant head in a large secondary school and couldn't imagine winding down from it.

Reality of Motherhood: The total opposite! I had NO clue on what to do with a newborn, and nothing seemed easy. Albert lost nearly 15% of his body weight in the first few days as he struggled to feed and we had daily visits from a very stern health visitor. There was a settled period but before too long he decided he only really wanted to feed at night so that was tough...but then I got into my stride. 

I LOVED mat leave and found lots of great friends who were always up for going to some kind of baby thing or just having coffee at home. Everything was a novelty and seeing the world through a little person's eyes was thrilling.

Taking your child home for the first time: It was a post Diamorphine blur, though I do remember, post Caesarian, being wheeled from operating theatre back to the ward and shouting to the porter, "You didn't forget where you put the baby did you?!"

The best/worst advice: Someone told me that everything with babies is temporary, and that goes for the good and bad. Learning to value the moments and relax about the worries, that's good advice. 

Everyone says the 'sleep while baby sleeps' is bad advice and they're right if, like me, you can't chill out for too long before getting bored. I couldn't do that. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The tiredness. It never goes away and is as hard now (helping him with reading, maths etc when I really want to fall asleep in front of Paw Patrol) as it ever was. When you work full time you have to make time and guilt is never too far behind. I hate it when I get delayed getting home from work and end up arriving at after-school club later than I planned. I do enjoy work though, and there is lots of evidence to suggest that parents who are career-minded have a positive influence on their kids. 

The best parts of being a mother: It's enormous fun. You get to lark about and be daft without feeling silly. School holidays are our quality son-mum time and I love planning all the stuff we'll do with a good long stretch of time off. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? Yeah, for the better I hope! It has made me less materialistic and I get pleasure from the small things in a way I didn't used to. If you'd asked me 2-3 years ago I'd have said I worry more, but, now he's at school and is that bit more independent, that's gone away.

Hopes for your family: I hope he grows up to be tolerant, open-minded, hard-working and non-judgmental. We have a very close relationship and although he'll need me less as he gets older I hope that we stay close.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I don't think I would give advice. It's so tempting to but every child is different and what works for one may not for another. 

Rebecca and Taylor

Name: Rebecca 

Child: Taylor, 9 months

Location: Bolton

Expectations of Motherhood: I was the eldest child in my family so I think | expected slightly to have it all sussed. I had been looking after my siblings for years, I'd changed nappies, made bottles - all the stuff you expect babies to need really. I strangely wasn't that nervous but think I was enjoying my pregnancy so much I didn't think too much in depth about the struggles likely to be ahead.

Reality of Motherhood: I went into labour 5 weeks early. I was physically prepared (nursery done, everything bought and ready, bag packed) but not mentally prepared. It was quite scary. I was still so wrapped up in being happily pregnant (well apart from the hot weather - that was awful!) that it didn't give me time to worry about what was to come. I had an easy labour considering and my husband was amazing throughout. 

Taylor was so tiny. My expectations of knowing what to do went out the window. Yeah I could change a nappy, but I felt I couldn't hold him without breaking him, and constantly worried about if he was too hot or too cold. I have since come to realise, as much as you worry in the newborn stage, it is far easier than when they become more aware and crave your attention. That is far more exhausting than I ever expected!

Taking your child home for the first time: We were in hospital just over a week with Taylor being early and a tiny 4lb 1oz. By then I felt at home with the midwives there for support and friends I had made in other beds on the ward. I didn't want to leave as that would make it real. We would be alone with a baby. I wouldn't have my safety net of professional people around me looking in and telling me I was doing good. I was excited all the same though and was glad to get back to my own bed! (not that I would be sleeping in it much from now on).

  

       

The best/worst advice: Hard to remember the advice I've been given. I quite like doing things my own way and relying on my instincts. Different advice works for different babies.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Well lack of sleep for one! But I'm sure all mothers know that one. I'd say when your child gets sick. A sniffle seems like the scariest thing in the world for a first time mum. You tear your hair out thinking the worst then within a couple of days they're back to their normal selves and its like it never happened.

The best parts of being a mother: The smiles, the giggles, the milestones, the cuddles. The list is endless really. The thought that you made this little person and they love you to death no matter what.

Has becoming a mother changed you? Being a mother hasn't changed me but it has changed my perspective on life. Before now I was fairly career focused and wanted to go as far as could. Now I just feel that stuff doesn't matter and I will work to live and not live to work. I still work, as I like my job and the security it gives me, but I will just be looking forward to the days I can spend with my little boy.

Hopes for your family: Just to be happy and have fun together.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Enjoy the newborn days. It seems hard and scary at the time, but just appreciate it. Watching them grow is amazing and learning new things. Everyone tells you it goes too fast and it really does! You don't realise till it's gone. Enjoy the whole experience as much as possible and take lots of photographs! Oh and don't be afraid to ask for help.

Ana and Samuel

Name: Ana 

Child: Samuel, 6.5 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood:

I had mixed feelings about motherhood. I most worried about what I was "going to leave behind" (people love giving you the drama about "losing your life, missing out on this or that"..). I also expected tiredness, desperation, fear, endless worry and depression at some point...
I did not want to resent becoming a mother, as it would not be fair on anybody, including myself and so it took me some time to make the final decision.

On the other hand, I also expected to find it a really interesting experience, full of new adventures and the idea of starting up with the best intentions, open mind and hopefully with more information than our previous generations.
I am naturally quite pessimistic, however, in order to become a mother, I had to reconcile some of my worst fear with a sensible optimism which has to exist in order to finally make the decision to bring someone into the world; this lovely blank canvass of a human, to join the "Trip of Life". I am not a religious type, so really, we reckoned that this one-off ticket was worth it, so we had Sam.

Reality of Motherhood: Tiredness: check. Missing out on this or that..: check; although I shall say that I now choose how to spend my time much more efficiently. That includes choosing both quality (unrelated to money) in places and people. I no longer take the chance of having a rubbish club night and ending up talking to people I am not keen on, outside of a "cool" club most of the night, which has to be a good thing.

My husband and I are a team. That means we share the responsibility of bringing up Sam equally. It allows us to have time to spend doing our own thing, as well as doing things as a family, or as a couple (with additional help, of course). So I have time to continue with what I used to do prior and during pregnancy. In that sense, I do not feel I am missing out. We'll see how it goes, when I return to full time work. 

I have met some lovely mothers at baby groups; I would like to keep in touch with some of them, although the task may be complicated once we go back to work.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was very happy with the team at St. Mary's, even though they were really short of beds and I was initially going to be discharged after 24h. I ended up staying another day because I was still in pain from surgery (I had a c-section). I was worried about feeding Sam, but he still looked good (though ravenous) for 2 days old.

The best/worst advice: The best advice was, at the time, although a bit late, that combine feeding your baby is fine, you are not a selfish cow or less of a human, you are just trying to help your baby get through his first days! Without going into too much detail, Sam had to be rushed back into hospital on the 5th day, because he was not getting enough nourishment. Nobody really checked how much milk, if any, I was producing (I kept being told to stick to breastfeeding, because I was doing great and Sam latched on perfectly, with full cheeks etc, although he was probably gulping air all the time). Hindsight is great and hateful at the same time. I wish I had been more compos mentis, to ask nursing staff/health visitors to give me straight, unbiased instructions, as I did not have a clue. In essence, stay away from the Breastfeeding and Vaginal Birth Propaganda, because no plan is set in stone. We, as women, should be supporting each other to deal with the circumstances we encounter, not look down on each other etc.

Another idea we found very sensible, but often overlooked, was when a friend advised us to look after ourselves, to stay away from harmful people and situations (and if possible, to protect ourselves from stressful experiences), to be positive and take this as a constructive and loving experience (without trying to sound twee).

Also, a great piece of advice is to put him to bed whilst he is still awake, never cuddle him to sleep. It did wonders to settle him into a routine. He does not need anyone to be present in the room, which freed us a lot. Sam has adapted really well to travelling in Spain and will settle into his routine, no matter where he is (he would go to sleep after about 15-20 minutes, of the first night in a strange place). 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The tiredness, which impacts on all aspects of our daily structure and our mental clarity. The careless judgement we are subjected to, often from people who do not know us from Adam. At other times, it is people closer to us, whom we have to ask to keep their unrequested nagging to themselves, as it may cause unpleasant situations, easily misconstrued as ungratefulness on our part. We are only doing our best, we are tired, we will ask for advice and help when we need it, don't worry!
The memory blanks. In fact, I have forgotten a few ideas I was going to log here.

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing Sam smiling at me every morning. He looks so happy and his smile is so sincere (untarnished by life, sounds harsh, I know!) that I just want to bite lumps out of him.
It may seem like I am copying Jo now (we actually met at the Children's Hospital) but it's great to see Sam with his father (Richard) laughing and enjoying themselves. It really makes you think what is important in life and what is just, well, a masquerade, like Facebook lives (and I use Facebook daily).
Has being a mother changed you? Yes. I can think more clearly now and speak up about fundamental matters with a better outlook. There is an innocent human's life at stake here, which is our responsibility and this has put me right where I need to be. 

Hopes for your family: To be happy, healthy, free-thinking, conscientious, coherence of action and belief and exercise solidarity.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Tell people who just want to tell you negative stories, to make you feel bad about pregnancy and maternity, to stick their tongues where it is most needed. Search for wise professionals and you will find them. If it makes you feel bad about yourself, it is not good for you.

Extra info: 
You do not have to give up your life and your whole being, in order to be a mum. You do not want to be the most sacred and abnegate "Madonna" in the cemetery or mental health unit. Of course, it helps if you have a partner/husband/wife/friend who shares the responsibility of looking after little ones equally, without being selfish. Communication, love and understanding of each others needs and preferences is key. Also, do not take everything personally, we will be all tired and that gives way to grumpiness. I am the Queen of Grump.

Note: these experiences I've been able to enumerate here, are underpinned by my benefiting from the umbrella of protection that the National Health Service has provided me, as a citizen of Manchester and the UK. 
In a climate where the Political/Money Caste is digging deeper into the heart of this Public Health system, to discredit it, in order to justify the underfunding in so many areas, thus feeding into this idea of "inefficiency", I have been able to deliver a child, feeling confident that I was in good hands, that this system should not be a privilege, but a model that exists in every country. I have not lost sight of the sad fact that the interests hidden behind the dismantling of this system, only look after themselves, they do not care about whether an ambulance can reach to where you are or whether enough beds/staff/equipment... are available. Please, let's value what there is and exercise your right to demand from the Caste that public money is invested where it is needed. Because there is money to keep it working proficiently.

Laurie and Oscar

Name: Laurie 

Child: Oscar 15 months

Location: Ramsbottom

Expectations of Motherhood: I expected hard work. We used to lie in bed and talk about how much fun it would be to have a little one snuggled between us - a full and noisy house. I probably didn't think much further than being on maternity leave with a baby, but thought it'd be a jolly old time!

Reality of Motherhood: A million times harder work! A shock to the system even though it was all planned and expected. 

Taking your child home for the first time: Terrifying, and not because I didn't know what to do (I felt very confident in myself as a mother), but I just felt very vulnerable in the world and like I was the only one who could protect my baby. Unfortunately it was the day post-natal depression set in (which was fortunately very fleeting), but my house felt wrong (like the weird feeling you have when you get when you come home from a 2 week holiday, only magnified a thousand times); the world felt wrong. I didn't feel sad or upset, I just felt nothing (then that made me feel guilty!). What was always evident was that it was a given that I would do everything within my power to look after this little person. It was also a big relief to finally have him at home with us after all those months of waiting. 

The best/worst advice: The best advice came from a brilliant midwife who told me, "You're his mother, you can do anything you want!" - I'd only asked if I could use baby wipes instead of cotton wool on his bottom, but by saying that I realised I had permission to take control and just do it. 

Worst advice: from the breast feeding support worker (or peer support worker) at hospital. I'd fed Oscar successfully twice, but then she turned up, said was doing it wrong, made him cry - he didn't even cry when he was born - then said I couldn't go home because she hadn't seen me feed him. 

Now I think back, I was vulnerable and she basically threatened me by saying, "What will you do when your baby won't feed in the middle of the night?" and, "if he's re-admitted to hospital you won't be allowed to come with him". 

It really angers me. Especially when I went on to breast feed until Oscar was about 10 months. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The night time in the very early stages: a killer! Realising that you will never really relax or be just yourself anymore.... Or at least not for a few decades! Worrying about doing it right! 

The best parts of being a mother: Having the most wonderful little creature that's ever existed!

Knowing that all his healthy weight gain was purely down to my milk. And now, as he's getting older, those little arms around my neck and his kisses. 

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Yes, I'm more sensitive in a lot if ways, like hearing sad stories, but I'm also very strong and feel like I have my priorities a bit more straight. 

Hopes for your family: More babies! 2 or 3 maybe. I just hope for me and my husband to do the best to raise our children with confidence, determination and to be kind. To be happy.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Hide away for 6 weeks, be just a mummy, recover, eat, drink and sleep. Snuggle and kiss your baby. Don't have too many visitors unless they run around after you. Don't put too much pressure on your yourself. It's hard and if anyone says they found if easy, they're lying. Trust yourself and do it how you want to.

Naseema and Thomas

Name: Naseema 

(originally from Trinidad in the Caribbean)

Child: Thomas, 19 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I never really had any sort of expectation of motherhood. I was one of those women who had a plan: studies, marriage then kids. I always adored children and had always wanted a little boy that I could name Thomas - my wish came true when Thomas was born! I believe I expected motherhood to mean always being there for your child no matter what the consequence. My mother who is a very strong role model for me has always influenced my view on motherhood. She is a very hard working, career driven woman who raised three children working shifts and being the driving force of our education. I expected to be that sort of woman that she is - hardworking, strong and courageous.

Reality of Motherhood: I am sure that everyone says this but no matter how tired you are during pregnancy nothing can prepare you for the tiredness that you will face once you have a newborn! I always tell my friends who are expecting, "Make sure and get as much sleep as possible before the baby comes." 

We had a lot of feeding issues with Thomas so we settled on bottle feeding him despite persevering for over three weeks! I have learnt that no matter how many other mothers judged me because I bottle fed my son, I did what was right at that time. Thomas is one of the happiest, healthiest and most easy going little boys I have ever met. I felt guilt for not breastfeeding him, guilt for not being as patient with myself, for not understanding the real needs of a newborn, and I also wished I had gotten a little more prepared before his arrival. You know what though, I am glad that I did everything the way that I did because it makes me a better mother. I am so proud of what me and my husband have accomplished considering that we knew nothing about raising children and here we have a happy little Thomas who is a massive joy in our lives. We cannot imagine life without him.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was in hospital for four days because I had a lot of problems breastfeeding Thomas. When we brought Thomas home I will always remember me giving Paul (my husband) a look as what to do now?! We were never shown how to bathe a newborn since the midwives only focused on breastfeeding. I somehow managed to figure out how to put a nappy on my son because of my past experience of seeing my cousins change their babies in Trinidad - keeping in mind this was about 10 years ago! We panicked when it came to breastfeeding and even though my milk flow wasn't great after the 6th day we still persevered. This was the beginning of the hardest part. Through long and very hard days and nights we eventually gave up and decided to formula feed him. We had no clue from then on what was right and wrong, so we did our best. With the help of Dr. Brown's bottles our little man was very contented and fed. 

The best/worst advice: Sleep when your baby sleeps. Who said that?! I never slept when Thomas slept. Being a first time mom I always heard every single sound he mades, even up to now I still hear every little squeak - anxiety was a massive problem. I was always anxious about feeding him and making sure he was always taken care of properly. I wish a lot more mothers could be honest about these issues since it's always frowned upon to speak about anxiety. 

Over the past year, being on maternity leave, I've grown to be totally infatuated with him. During maternity every single second I needed to see him and make sure he was a happy chappy. My bond with him grew after the next few months after his birth. Now, our little Thomas is our travelling sidekick and I am attached to him at the hip.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Leaving him for work and dealing with the sleepless nights. We went through a rough patch with him sleeping (10 months - 13months) where he would get up crying because of his teething. Having to work on reduced sleep was really hard. I can handle everything else but one of the hardest things I think in being a mother is dealing with the lack of sleep.

When I finished my maternity leave, leaving my baby to return to work was difficult. I miss my Thomas every single second of the day. Children come into your lives for a second, but they will always be in your hearts forever. I don't think women can relate to this until they have a baby of their own.

The best parts of being a mother: I saw a quote when Thomas was born which goes like this, "Sometimes the small things are the big things". Thomas is a very happy and fun loving child, very free spirited and I am so proud to see him develop into a confident little man. I have been with him for every single one of his "firsts." From his first smile to his first step and words. I enjoy him every single second that I am around him. From those very difficult days at the beginning to the very second up to the present I am very proud to be his mother and do enjoy every cuddle and kiss that I get and of which I sometimes steal. 

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Motherhood has definitely changed me and the way that I view life. I have learnt that my family will always come first. The needs of my family will always be second to every other need in my life. My life and my goals are always centered on what's best for my family and the example that I set would hopefully show my son the benefits of being a focused individual.

Hopes for your family: I want to show Thomas the world! He is a wonderful baby to travel with. I also want to provide the best possible upbringing for him so that he can always reflect on his life and say "I had a really good childhood."

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: If someone offers you help take it. You won't get an award for being a "supermom." If someone volunteers to make you a meal or buy you takeaway for dinner accept it. Motherhood is hard enough and every single ounce of help that you can get, don't refuse it.

Always be honest with your feelings. Don't think that because you are having a bad day you always have to be strong. Post baby blues exist and it helps to talk about it.

When you think that you are "fat" look at yourself and say I have given birth to a wonderful life and take pride in the miracle of life that you have created.

Join baby groups if you feel like you need to meet other moms who are going through the same as you. Trust me, other women do but they are not always open about it. You will meet someone who is nice and understanding that went through the same as you - that's how I met my friend Katie!

Be patient with your baby and yourself!

Always give yourself a pat on the back, if you don't give yourself credit for your child no one else will. 

Most importantly always enjoy every single moment with your baby because every single second you spend with them is priceless -  they do grow up fast.

Kate and Edward

Name: Kate 

Child: Edward, 7 months

Location: West Didsbury

Expectations of motherhood: We never expected to have difficulty conceiving, and so we waited until we had everything in place before we started trying for a family. By this time we were both doing well in our careers, and had probably had more than our fair share of living like we were twenty-somethings (even though we were well into our thirties). My hopes were for a large, close-knit family. I had seen my partner Alan with our friends’ children, and knew he would make a wonderful dad.

Conceiving, however, was anything but easy. It took us four years, a battery of invasive tests, four failed cycles of fertility treatment, a devastating miscarriage and numerous other disappointments. We had almost given up hope when Edward was conceived. My expectations of motherhood then were very different – I dared not expect too much for fear something would go wrong, and even when it seemed as though my pregnancy was to be successful, it was impossible to see beyond the birth. Becoming a mother had become so elusive – something that would never happen to me – that I actually had no expectations other than to desperately hope that I would be able to hold a healthy baby in my arms.

Reality of motherhood: It sounds obvious, but pregnancy and early motherhood have been an incredibly intense experience, both physically and emotionally. My pregnancy gave me every side effect possible – acute sickness up to week 14, digestive problems, extreme hunger, unstoppable weight gain (four stone!), hip problems (I was unable to walk for the last two weeks of my pregnancy), bleeding gums, terribly sore feet. I could go on. It also made me feel remarkably alive, and I skipped out of bed in the morning during the second and most of the third trimesters, so utterly delighted to be pregnant. 

When Edward was born, I fell in love immediately. It was such an extraordinarily strong emotion, and so overwhelming at times that I spent quite a bit of the first few weeks in tears. These were tears of joy, and not the ‘baby blues’ I’d been warned about. I had, and still have, an overriding urge to be with him all the time, to make sure he feels safe and loved, and I have no doubt I would do anything – anything at all – to protect him. My priorities feel different too. My career has always been extremely important to me, and I could never really understand why some of my friends chose to be stay-at-home mums. I now understand why, and am trying to work out how I can do my job part-time.

The other reality for me is that my health suffered quite considerably after Edward’s birth. I developed a terribly bad back at about week seven, and was unable to lift anything at all, including my son. Initially I was told a bad back following the birth of a child was quite normal, but it went on for so long with no improvement that eventually I was sent for an MRI scan. I was not expecting the result at all – five spinal fractures. The vertebrae had basically collapsed. A bone density scan and further tests revealed that I had developed a rare condition called pregnancy-related osteoporosis. It’s hard to explain how difficult it was to be unable to pick up or properly care for my much longed-for baby while the fractures healed, and to see other people doing things with Edward that I had expected, and longed, to do myself. I also had to stop breastfeeding very suddenly following the diagnosis at four-and-a-half months, as I was advised this would help my recovery. This was probably the most difficult part of the whole saga, my distress partly hormonally-driven I’m sure. But Edward soon realised he could get twice the milk in half the time through a bottle (he’s not daft!), and has thrived. And because I spent so many months unable to lift him he is not a clingy baby, and is very happy in the company of other people. 

Taking your child home for the first time: We spent a week in hospital following a rather long labour which culminated in a dramatic birth, and when we finally got home it felt pretty unreal – I recall being surprised actually. I took Edward from room to room so he could see his new home, and remember breaking down in the kitchen because I never thought this moment would happen. I then spent the next 24 hours convinced I was going to accidentally harm this tiny creature. If he wasn’t going to die from being too hot or too cold in his Moses basket (how many times can you check the room temperature in one night, or fret about blanket thickness?), then I was going to probably injure him when I was changing or bathing him. I remember taking him for a hip scan when he was about three weeks old as part of a routine test to check his bone alignment because he had been born with turned-in feet, and being convinced they were going to find broken bones or other injuries. Silly I know, but he seemed so fragile to me that I felt so utterly cumbersome and clumsy when I touched him.

The best/worst advice: The worst advice I had was that babies are unable to get themselves to sleep. So in the early weeks I spent hours and hours rocking Edward and pounding the streets in an effort to get him to nap. I also at one point ended up with my iPad on my pillow blasting out white noise at full volume in an effort to ‘lull’ him to sleep in the dead of night. It became some sort of torture device! Not surprisingly I became very, very tired.

We were also told that newborn babies are rather dull, and our expectation was that Edward would probably not become ‘interesting’ until aged around six months. Not so! We have found every stage to be fascinating, and Edward has always interacted with us and given us so much back. Right from his birth we both felt a connection when he looked at us (I have a wonderful photo taken a couple of minutes after his birth where father and son are staring into each other’s eyes). And those gummy smiles of his have melted my heart since he was four-and-a-half weeks old.

The best advice I had was that babies tend to need a sleep after about two hours of wakefulness. So we gave it a whirl, and started popping him into his cot after he’d been awake for two hours; most of the time he would go straight to sleep. Once I binned the books with their reams of conflicting sleeping and napping tips, life became much easier. Another piece of advice I’m so glad we followed was to not have too many visitors in the first couple of weeks. Those few weeks with Edward and Alan – just the three of us – were incredibly precious and tender. There was plenty of time to see friends and family when Alan returned to work after his paternity leave. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: There are numerous challenges, most of which have taken me by surprise. The constant worry that you’re doing it ‘wrong’ is one. I had heard many times that your baby “doesn’t come with a manual”, and I didn’t really understand what this meant until Edward was born. I have spent hours questioning my own judgement, and I do seem to live with the nagging fear that something I am doing is unwittingly causing him long-term damage.

Another difficultly is seeing him poorly. We have been lucky so far that this has only stretched to coughs, a mild cold and a vomiting bug; I am dreading seeing him really unwell.

Yet another challenge has been letting go – or trying to – and accepting other people’s help in holding him when I have been unable to. It’s excruciating having to watch someone else comfort your baby.

The best parts of being a mother: The absolute, unconditional love I feel for my son. He has enriched my life immeasurably, and makes me feel glad to be alive. His huge, gummy grin first thing in the morning – so happy to see me; making him giggle uncontrollably by doing something really silly; him falling asleep in my lap when I sing to him and stroke his hair; seeing him develop more and more all the time, with each day bringing something new; and just the sheer privilege of being able to spend so much time with him and getting to know him. This may sound a strange thing to say as motherhood affects so many, but being a mother is probably the best kept secret ever – I never imagined how wonderful it could be until it actually happened to me.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Yes. I feel I have grown emotionally. My priorities feel different; I would do absolutely anything for my son. I also feel different with regard to my own health; being in so much pain for such a long time, and being dependant on other people, has made me realise how fragile my own health is, and how important it is to look after myself. Lastly, I now understand a part of my own parents that I didn’t before, and feel closer to them because of it. I wish my father was alive to have been able to meet Edward. He would have fallen for him too! 



Hopes for your family: My hopes for Edward are that he is happy and healthy, feels secure and knows he is loved, and that he is able to fulfil his potential. I would also like to have a close relationship with him, and be an important part of his life when he himself is an adult.

As for other children…we always planned on having more than one, but we recognise this might not be possible, both because of my age and my health condition. We are seeing my hospital consultant next month, so will discuss the options around having a second child, and whether it is safe. If not, Edward is such a blessing that we will count ourselves very fortunate if he is our only child. We have a wide circle of friends, many of whom have babies around the same age, so I am certain he will grow up with numerous good playmates who will be as important to him as siblings.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Bin the books. All their conflicting advice about routines and sleep patterns just made me anxious.

The other must-do is to take part in an NCT antenatal course. The women I met have become firm friends, have kept me sane and have helped me through a pretty tough time; I’m not sure how I would have coped without them.

And lastly, take as much maternity leave as you can afford. It is such a special time, and it will fly by. Enjoy it.

Pregnancy-related osteoporosis - This is a poorly understood condition which affects a small number of women each year. It is believed that the hormonal changes associated with pregnancy somehow cause massive bone loss. Most of those affected regain their bone density within 12 months of the body’s hormones returning to normal after pregnancy. More information is available through the National Osteoporosis Society: www.nos.org.uk