Gemma, Jac and Lola

Name: Gemma Roberts

Children: Jac 3 years, 8 months and Lola, 16 months

Location: Prestwich

Expectations of Motherhood: My expectations of having a baby and being at home were that it would be much easier than being at work. I couldn't wait to finish work and go on maternity leave so that I could have a "break"(!) 

I knew that our lives were going to change, but I don't think I fully anticipated quite how big that change would be. I thought that I would be able to get things done around the house, cook nice meals for my Husband to come home to and that my baby would just sleep most of the time and although I'd be tired, this little person would bring us so much love and joy that it would all be ok. I was right about the love and joy part, but I was so naive about everything else!

Reality of Motherhood: We had a bit of a traumatic time with breastfeeding. Although I really wanted to breastfeed Jac, I knew he wasn't getting enough milk - he didn't have wet nappies, he wasn't settled and he was losing weight every time the Midwife came to see us. Despite knowing that he wasn't getting enough. and despite my best efforts, I felt incredibly pressured to continue trying to breastfeed. I felt so much pressure that I refused to give him formula; my Midwife fed Jac his first bottle of it, and I sat and watched and cried. At one point, I was double-pumping using a hospital grade pump, taking domperidone and fenugreek tablets, using a supplementary nursing system to feed Jac, and then topping up with a bottle. Once the feeding cycle had ended, it was time to start the process again. I knew that we couldn't go on like this - I just wasn't enjoying it. Gradually, I stopped the pumping etc and Jac was combi fed for around 6 months before being on formula completely. 

It was honestly like a massive weight had been lifted and I began to enjoy my baby after my Midwife had given him his first bottle. He began putting weight on and having wet nappies, and though I don't feel sad that breastfeeding didn't work out completely for us, it makes me feel sad that I felt such pressure that Jac had to suffer as a result. I think that all I wanted was for someone to tell me that it was ok to give him formula, as long as he is fed that is the main thing, but no-one did. Everyone just kept telling me that formula was so bad and that I just needed to persist with breastfeeding. 

Second time around, I wanted to give breastfeeding a go but my Husband and I decided that we didn't want to put ourselves through a horrific time again. When Lola was born, we tried again and when things started to follow the same path, we decided to supplement from a couple of days old. It worked for us and meant that I was able to breastfeed her and my Husband could get involved with the top-up bottles. I felt so much more confident in my choice, and we did what worked for us as a family and ignored judgment from anyone else. We combi fed again for 6 months, and I can honestly say that I am 100% happy with our choice and how things ended up. Jac and Lola are gorgeous, happy and healthy children and are our absolute everything - parenting isn't just about how you feed your babies, it's SO much more. I realise now that it doesn't matter how your baby is fed, as long as they are getting milk that is all that matters. 

Taking your children home for the first time: Both Jac and Lola were born at home (planned homebirths!) I was transferred in to Hospital with Jac after he was born as I'd had meconium in my waters. Everything was fine and we came home the next day. I remember getting him home, and bringing him in the House and wondering what we were supposed to do?! We put him in his moses basket and he slept for all of about ten minutes and then spent the rest of the night feeding and unsettled. It was a very long night and we were both exhausted! When Lola was born, although I had meconium in my waters again, we didn't get transferred in to the Hospital. After the Midwife had done her checks, helped me to have a bath and got us settled and comfy on the sofa, she left. We were sat on the sofa as a family of four, eating toast, drinking tea and watching CBeebies as if I hadn't just given birth in the dining room - it was so surreal! 

It was lovely being at home and having all our home comforts and not having to leave Jac - he was even there when his little sister was born! I would highly recommend home birth to anyone - so empowering and lovely not having to leave the house!

The best/worst advice: The best piece of advice that I received was to do what is right for me and my family - it's so true. What works for us might not work for someone else, and that's fine. One size definitely doesn't fit all. I haven't received much bad advice - just people telling me that we shouldn't do certain things like co-sleeping because we'll never get our bed back to ourselves, and generally providing their opinion on how we should parent. I'm quite resilient to it now I think and we just do things our way - we have two happy and healthy children, so we must be doing something right... I hope so anyway!

The hardest parts of being a mother: Aside from the difficulties we had with feeding in the beginning, I would say that sleep deprivation was one of the hardest things that we had to go through. Second time around, it was actually a lot easier to deal with as I don't think we'd quite recovered from the first time! Nothing could have prepared me for how tired we would be, and how the tiredness would make us really irritable and not really like each other! 

But it does get better, and they're both sleeping through the night now so we have our evenings back and although I wouldn't say I feel refreshed, I definitely feel more sane now that we get to have an uninterrupted night's sleep again! 

The best parts of being a mother: The overwhelming love that I feel for Jac and Lola is out of this world. They are my everything and I can't imagine life without them. I knew that I would love my babies, but quite how much, I don't think I knew! Before Lola was born, I didn't think I could love another child as much as Jac. How would that be possible? But it is, my heart just grew even bigger! (cheesy, sorry!) We have so much fun together and seeing the bond between them as siblings growing each day and seeing them have fun and laughing together is possibly one of the best feelings in the world. When I'm gone, knowing that they'll at least have each other is something special. I love the snuggles, seeing them reach new milestones and taking them out to experience things - everyone should try and see things through the eyes of a three year old, its amazing! Becoming a Mummy is the best thing I have ever done and it's a privilege to have Jac and Lola in my life. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: Definitely! I've learnt more about patience, strength and unconditional love in the last 3.8 years than I have in a lifetime! I am still the same old me, but Jac and Lola make me want to be a better person. I want to make them proud and my outlook on life has definitely changed. 

Hopes for your family: I hope that as Jac and Lola grow up they will continue to be caring, determined and happy individuals and that they follow and fight for their dreams. I want them to know that they can achieve anything that they want if they put their mind to it! I hope that we'll all continue to have as much fun as we have been having already and I can't wait to create even more magical memories with them. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Do what is right for you and your family. Don't feel pressured or judged by others just because your way is different. Be kind to yourself - we all have bad days - and a new day is a blank slate and a fresh start. Make sure you take time for yourself; have a bath, a cup of tea in peace or a walk. You can't fill everyone elses cup if your cup is empty. Even though it will seem like a mammoth effort to begin with, try and get out of the house with your baby every day. Even if it's just a walk around the block, fresh air does wonders. Make yourself get out to those baby groups - you might not feel like it, but if you're as lucky as me you'll make some of the best mummy friends that you could ever wish for and you can all help each other through the tough times.

Extra Info: I'm a helpline volunteer for PANDAs (Pre and post natal depression advice and support). We take phone calls from mums, dads or concerned family members. They're a really fabulous charity. To contact them go to http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/   Tel: 0843 28 98 401 

Lorna and Dexter

Name: Lorna

Child: Dexter, 16 months

Location: Cheadle Hulme

Expectations of Motherhood: I never expected it to be a walk in the park, but I have to confess to thinking it would be significantly easier than working full time. I envisaged a few tough but equally wonderful months of getting into a routine before embarking on a maternity leave that would allow me the chance to indulge in all of the things I never had enough time to do, with the added bonus of having a new little pal in tow. My house would be tidier, I’d cook lovely meals every night and for the first time ever I’d fall in love with exercise because I’d have all this spare time, meaning I’d shift that all-important ‘baby weight’ and go back to work feeling a million dollars. And most importantly, I’d make sure that Dave and I still had ‘date’ time –because your life doesn’t have to stop just because you have a baby, right?

Reality of Motherhood: Well, I definitely had a little pal in tow, mainly due to the fact Dexter fed constantly during the first few months and refused to sleep in his cot during the day until he was about 8 months old. I also really surprised myself by how strongly I felt about him being with me or Dave at all times; we didn’t leave him and have that all important ‘date’ time (or should I say ‘date hour’) until he was almost 9 months old. That was partly due to circumstance as my parents live in Spain (in my crazy new-mum head, my mum was the only other person who could possibly look after him), but if I’m honest I just couldn’t bear to be apart from Dexter, even though I was also massively yearning for a bit of time to myself.

I found maternity leave and the first year of motherhood a massive rollercoaster; there were days when I felt so utterly joyous and lucky to have this gorgeous, healthy boy in my life that I couldn’t ever imagine going back to work. Equally, there were lots of times when the sleep deprivation and groundhog day-style monotony of caring for a young baby really got to me: looking back, I wailed the very un-maternal words ‘I just want my old life back’ at pretty regular intervals. It wasn’t so much that I was craving big nights out or wild parties but I just couldn’t get to grips with not being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. It turns out that having a baby is bloody hard work. 

Taking your child home for the first time: It felt like an out of body experience! I hadn’t slept properly for about three days and felt like I’d been kicked in the chest and nether regions by a very large horse (apparently the chest bit was due to some interesting positions thrashing about over the side of the pool but fortunately my memory seems to have blocked out that rather undignified part). After waiting to go home all day we finally set foot back into our house at 10pm so there wasn’t really any time to get ourselves sorted or have any kind of ‘and breathe’ moment before getting started on our first night at home.

I was overwhelmed by love and fear in equal measures, and although Dexter actually slept pretty well I was totally wired. I remember dragging my sore, shattered body out of bed and taking him from our room into his to feed because I’d bought a new chair to feed him in, so I couldn’t possibly do it anywhere else (!). Sitting munching chocolate digestives recommended by the midwife for my low blood sugar levels (a new habit that my thighs are now not thanking me for) I remember wondering how everything could have changed so much in the 24 hours since I was last in the house.

Best advice: ‘Just do whatever you need to do to get yourself through this phase’. Dexter had never been a great sleeper but between 4 and 8 months it stepped up to a whole new level of hideous. Not only did I feel horrendous but I was constantly worrying that he would get into even worse habits that could never be rectified- oh the drama! My friend gave me this advice after a night of being up every 30mins with him and it gave me the confidence to go with my instinct rather than what I thought I should be doing.

Worst advice: ‘Don’t let him get into the habit of sleeping on you’. Practically speaking, this is probably good advice and would have spared me some wrinkles down the line but I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. My thunderbolt of love for Dexter didn’t come the moment he was born; it built up over those first few weeks and months of having him so close to me day after day. Some of my most precious memories are of when Dave first went back to work and we spent hours, just the two of us, dozing on the sofa. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: It’s a cliché but there’s a whole heap of guilt- guilt about enjoying working full time, guilt about leaving work earlier than I used to, guilt about not doing enough ‘activities’ with Dexter, guilt about other people looking after him…it’s a pretty endless list really. And yes, I do still miss doing what I want, when I want!

The best parts of being a mother: The laughter- I can honestly say I’ve never laughed as much in my life as I have since having Dexter. He’s had such a strong personality since the day he burst onto the scene and-although I probably would have mocked anyone saying this before I had him- he’s hilarious. I find myself belly laughing on a regular basis and that’s something that gets you through the tougher days of being a mum. After ten years together it’s also made me fall a little bit more in love with Dave- he has developed what I call the ‘Dexter smile’. It doesn’t make an appearance for anyone else but he beams pure love whenever they’re together and that’s a pretty amazing thing to witness between your husband and son. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? This is the hardest question to answer as in many ways I feel that I’m exactly the same person that I always was but in others, everything has changed. For me, the most difficult part of maternity leave was feeling like I didn’t exist as a person outside of being Dexter’s mum and coming back to work, I found it hard to fit back in with my younger colleagues whose lives now seem so very different from my own.

On the plus side I’m more content than I’ve ever been- Dexter has completed a part of me that I had no idea was empty and the fact that we’ve made it through the first 16 months with relatively few battle scars is probably my greatest achievement to date. I’m also poorer, fatter and have significantly more wrinkles but you can’t have everything!  

Hopes for your family: As well as the standard health and happiness that all mums wish for their children, I want Dexter to have the confidence to believe he really can achieve anything he sets his mind to and to see as much of the world as is humanly possible. As a family, I hope we can keep laughing as we have so far. Failing all of that, a lottery win would be lovely. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?Don’t doubt yourself- you’ll find your own way in your own time. 

Your baby will still love you and be a decent human being even if you don’t go to fifteen classes a week.

Be open to making ‘mum’ friends- I was sceptical but was lucky enough to meet some great girls who helped me survive the sleep deprivation with plenty of cake and laughs.

Sam, Lyla and Britta

Name: Sam 

Children: Lyla, 4 and Britta, 16 Months

Location: Withington, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I suppose I hoped what everyone else does – that you won’t change that much. You’ll still travel, get to gigs, the cinema, eat out, wear clothes with non-elasticated waists, get through a day without discovering some piece of discarded food in your hair . . .

Reality of Motherhood: Who knew what a journey this was going to be?
I fell pregnant straight away and was textbook thrilled/excited/nervous.

Then at 13 weeks I had a miscarriage.
I’ll never forget going to hospital with horrendous stomach pains and the midwife asking me, “How far apart are your contractions?” 
And I thought, oh god – I’m in labour, but there won’t be a baby at the end of it.

Looking back, that was the first moment I realised that being a mother is never what you expect it to be. But I did know that whatever it brought I wanted it more than anything.

It took a few months to get pregnant again (in which I really struggled with depression), but then In Feb 2007 I fell pregnant with Lyla. I remember how nervous I was at the six week scan, but saw a heartbeat and a teeny baby, and in October she was born - healthy and beautiful.

I remember on about day four thinking, “What ON EARTH have we done?” 
I couldn’t imagine a time when we could ever go to the shop / a friends’ house / on holiday EVER again.

When we decided to try for baby number two, again I fell pregnant immediately. At about five weeks I suddenly got really nervous that I would miscarry again – and so the great early pregnancy unit at the MRI gave me a scan and at six weeks I saw a teeny baby and a heartbeat and was euphoric.

At about twelve weeks I was at work and had the tiniest drop of blood. I phoned the midwife who reassured me it was nothing, but as the evening went on I just got more and more scared. They gave me a scan the next day and I saw my little baby, who, according to the size charts, had died two days before.

With my next pregnancy I got through three scans before the baby died – with the two after that I miscarried before the first scans.

I feel so much empathy with anyone going through any fertility issues and know that it does affect everyone differently but the feelings of grief, failure, self-loathing and desperation that I experienced were overwhelming at times.

Were you a “mother’ to those never born babies just because you never held them and fed them or not? I don’t know.



In September 2010 I remember thinking I can’t do this anymore – it’s one last try and then . . well I didn’t know what the end of that sentence was, but that last chance hotel was our beautiful girl Britta.

And until the moment at 40+2 that I held her and heard her cry I can honestly say I never never thought she would arrive safely.

She did arrive safely, but she then had colic, and she NEVER slept and she cried alllllllllllll the time and I remember thinking “What? – you were SO wanted and we went through so much to get you and now it’s like some kind of waking hell!” 
As I said . . .things are never quite as you expect them to be. She remains a challenge(!) She’s also so full of life, energy and joy, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Taking your children home for the first time: I remember the drive home from hospital with Lyla on the M56 was hair raising – I had the senses of a cat - I could smell that speeding driver from 5 miles away. I wanted to scream at everyone, “Slow down! Use your mirrors! I have the most precious cargo in the world! – please be careful!" 15mph never felt faster.

Once home, it just felt right. Exhausting, but right. I never had that moment of, “Good grief – we’re now in charge of this person - aghghgh!” It just felt normal and that we were where we should be. I went home the day after Lyla was born, but with Britta I told them on the delivery unit that we wanted to go home right away. They had a bed ready on the ward, but as it was my birthday I wanted out of there and to get home and have cake and a glass of plonk (maybe I shouldn’t have told the midwife that!).

The best/worst advice: I don’t think Mothers have ever been more scrutinised or discussed as we are today. You can’t turn on the radio or TV or open a paper without some pundit or expert discussing the shortcomings of working mothers or stay at home mothers – how adversely we are affecting our childrens’ emotional development or smothering them to the point of malfunction.

We have an over-abundance of advice both good and bad and it’s often hard to wade through it all.

Talk to your friends, be honest with them about how you feel and how you’re coping. Don’t assume everyone is doing it well apart from you and you may be surprised to hear that everything isn’t rosy in their garden either - a problem shared and all that . . .

People who tell you, “Ah! These are the wonder years!" when your six week old hasn’t slept for, ooo about six weeks and you feel like you’ve been run over by a train – put it in the bin.

The main thing to always remember is no one EVER judges you as much as you’ll judge yourself – so if you give yourself a break, that’s more than half the battle.

Oh and as a friend once told me when I was delirious with lack of sleep and a screaming child – it really IS OK not to like your child sometimes (but they don’t tell you that in the movies..)

The hardest part of being a mother: Going through pregnancy loss was very hard for me – and I know people think they’re comforting you when they say, “Don’t worry – you can try again,” and,  “It was meant to be,” but I always found that so crass. I’m also aware that people simply don’t know what to say when you lose a child.

I remember one heavily pregnant woman saying to me, “At least you get to wear clothes with waists – look at me!”

The best ever comfort I got was a woman I didn’t know too well actually who just looked me straight in the eye and, "That’s a shitty thing that happened to you. I’m so sorry - you didn’t deserve that" - no attempt at explanation, no words of hope for the future. Just an understanding.

The biggest challenge now is the constant boundary pushing, which with two girls (of different ages) who are pushing two very different boundaries can seem overwhelming. I really don’t know where us parents find that extra reserve of patience when we’ve just been asked, “Why?” for the 900,000th time that day, whilst another child is trying to climb into the washing machine.



Oh and as low points go, having my lip split by a thrashing toddler two hours into a 7 hour flight was pretty much as low as I ever thought it could get. Then as I tried to mop up the blood she threw up. Allllllll over me. Those airline blankets really don’t make a good outfit, no matter how you try and accessorise.

The best parts of being a mother: The love. How to even begin to describe it? Remember when you met your partner and you thought about them all day and felt excited when your phone rang because it might be them and thrilled when you knew you were meeting later and then so screamingly delirious when they said they loved you? Like that times a million. But with a bit more puke.

Hopes for your family: Britta has a really rare condition called mastocytosis, which wasn’t diagnosed until she was 8 months old which can cause nasty cramping and wheezing as well as skin lesions. I hope we continue to manage the condition, as she can get on with life really well at the moment. I hope too that she’s part of the 60% who grow out of the skin lesions part of it, as it’s hard to see people point and stare at your child, but not as hard it will be for a teenage girl to go through that.

I hope we all manage to stay close and stay happy and stay healthy and stay sane. But mainly stay sane.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Strap yourself in – it’s the ride of your life. Whatever you expect this to be – it will surprise you. Parenthood brings you the most heart-bursting joy you can imagine. The love you feel is beyond anything you could dream of. But you know – there is also frustration, despair, absolute fatigue like you can’t believe and of course that food in your hair too.

Ahhh – you’re going to LOVE it! X