Katie, Ted and Beatrice

Name: Katie

Children: Ted, 3, and Beatrice, 6 months

Location: Sale

Expectations of Motherhood: Both me and my husband had an idealistic view of what it would be like when we had children. Of course, I’d never let my child have a dummy. And tantrums, we’d be able to deal with them really well. I also thought I’d be this really creative mum who’d constantly be doing stuff with her children.

I suppose you don’t think of all the downsides. You just imagine it to be this lovely thing; the baby arrives and you just spend all your time cuddling them. You think that your life basically goes on as it did before you had children.

A couple of times before I had Ted, when I was pregnant, people would say to me, ‘You need to go out and enjoy yourself before it’s over.’ I thought, my life won’t change that much. No, I’m still going to do everything. I’ll take him out and he’ll be with us in his car seat while we’re eating nice meals.

Reality of Motherhood: I had quite a difficult birth with Ted, which resulted in me having a c-section. It wasn’t at all what I’d wanted. I hadn’t even considered it as a possibility. I wanted a water birth - as most people do - and to have no intervention. In the end I was in the hospital for 3 days before I even had him. Then when he was born, I had to stay in hospital for another 3 days. It was hell because he just wouldn’t sleep. He just cried. I was absolutely exhausted.

I don’t think it ever crosses your mind that after you deliver this baby you’re have look after them as well. And at Wythenshawe you're on your own because husbands have to go home; at 10pm at night they leave until the next morning. I begged the midwives to let my husband come in an hour earlier, but they said, ‘No!’ 

I think that start made everything that bit more difficult.

When I became pregnant with Bea, I thought, I’m going to do this differently. I’m not just going to be waiting for her to come. With Ted, I was just so desperate to have him (and he was 6 days overdue). With Bea, I did yoga and learnt how to meditate, and it did actually work. I don’t tend to do stuff like that, but it was brilliant for me. I became quite mindful. In that week before she was born I used the time well. I made a pair of curtains for Ted’s room, and enjoyed the time we had. When I went into labour it was exactly what I’d expected it to be with Ted. We were kind of rushing to the hospital, and I delivered her really fast, and naturally, with no interception at all. It was brilliant. I went home the same day. We’d decided we would be really prepared with Bea so we’d bought everything in advance, including a dummy - I was not going to be a snob about it - but she just slept. She was a completely different baby. The whole experience was so different.

In hindsight, after having Bea, and having time to reflect on Ted’s birth and when he was small, I don’t know if it was actually depression, but I definitely had proper baby blues. I feel like I had it for a while. At the time you’re so involved in it that you don’t think that’s what’s happening, and a lot of people say, ‘That happens to everyone. You’re fine,’ but I didn’t leave the house on my own with Ted on my own for months. It was about four months before I actually went out in the car with him on my own. I was terrified. With Bea, we were doing stuff after we’d been home for a couple of days. I didn’t have any worry or anxiety with her even though I expected to. 

Taking your children home: I was so relived to take Ted home, but then he just didn’t sleep. I think that’s was when it struck us that our lives had changed so much. He didn’t sleep the first night at all. My husband was just in shock - he’d been going home on his own every night and getting a full night’s sleep while I’d been in hospital. He couldn’t believe it. We changed so many nappies, we fed him again and again, but he wouldn’t stop crying. We tried everything, but nothing really worked.

When I came home with Bea, it felt so normal. She was so laid back and settled. In a way it felt like she’d always been here. She just fitted in. The next day, we woke up with her in our room and Ted came in. It just felt completely normal. There wasn’t any disruption. I think it’s because our lives had already changed massively after having Ted. We didn’t have that period of grief for the life that we’d lost. 

They’ve been entirely different children. Some people say, ‘Is it because they’re girl and boy?’ But, who knows. I’m know I’m not having another one to find out! 

Best Advice: I’ve got a few friends who are due to have babies any day now. I’ve just said to them, ‘You will know what’s right. Trust your instincts’.
First time, I was so desperate to have a quick fix, but you have to follow what is right. I was constantly seeking that perfect advice. We’d spend hours in Mothercare looking for something that would help us. Obviously there wasn’t anything - he was colicky. I do think if you follow what you think’s best then it tends to just work.

I actually did everything I was told not to. They said, ‘Don’t feed them to sleep,’ but I fed Ted to sleep. Then they said, ‘Don’t rock them to sleep,’ but for a bit, after I fed him we rocked him to sleep. We were worried that he was never going to be able to sleep on his own. People would say to us, ‘You need to let him cry,’ but it would be awful and he’d make himself sick. It was just not working. 

In the end we decided to do it our way, and gradually he learned to get to sleep by himself, steadily, and at his own pace. Now he’s absolutely fine. So many people I speak to are worried about these things, and feel so guilty for doing them, but it’s not doing any harm.

I’ve got one friend who’s especially helpful. I think it’s because she gives really positive advice. I think that’s a great way to be. A lot of people can be really condemning. I hope to be like her when people ask me for advice. 

Worst advice: I’ve heard some terrible things, but I probably shouldn’t say!
I think some people don’t realise how things have changed and so they push ideas that are now considered quite old fashioned. It’s tricky to listen and be polite whilst being fully aware that you can’t take it on. It can be hard to take advice when you don’t want to.

This time, I’ve not had so much advice. People tend to back off a little with the second child. First time, you get given it whether you ask for it or not. 

Best part of being a mother: Watching how they grow and learn. I know it sounds cheesy but we’re always amazed by Ted especially. I went back to work after having him and he went into nursery pretty much full time. Now when I’m off I get to see how quickly he’s developing and how his language and imagination are growing. I find that incredible.

It’s amazing how they love you and trust you as well. You can never explain that to anyone, the relationship you have with them. It’s like having little friends around (that you argue with occasionally). Ted’s like a companion to me. It can be really lonely being off work so having someone there with you, who knows you, and knows when you’re upset or angry, it’s lovely. In the last year Ted’s turned into a real person. He’s definitely not a baby anymore and I love doing stuff with him.

Worst parts of being a mother: The sleep deprivation. I hate it. It’s the worst thing. Bea wakes up about every two hours at the moment. We’re going through a bad stage.

I miss the freedom of being able to just leave the house on a whim, without thinking. Now, I have to think of everything. And I’m not the most organised person, so often I’ll leave the house without stuff I need and I end up having to improvise. I don’t think I ever relax because I’m constantly preparing for something to happen.

Social media is another thing. I’m just as guilty, but, people only upload the amazing things. It’s so easy to look at other people lives and be envious. Friends without children enjoying a really different life; going on holidays, going away on mini breaks, eating at really nice restaurants. I have to remember what I’ve got instead. I’m sure at the same time people might look at us and think that we have the perfect life. People have said to me, ‘You make it look so easy with two’, but I say I’m not putting the horrible photos on, like when I’m having a screaming argument with a toddler. 

Has being a mother changed you? Yes, definitely. Completely. I think I thought I was a really laid back person, and other people did too because I’m quite disorganised and messy, but actually, having children you have to let go even more of everything. I have to let go of the fact that our house is always going to be a mess and there’s nothing I can do! Even if I thoroughly tidy it’s messy again within minutes. We can’t have really nice things in our house because they get wrecked. When we moved into this house we put effort into making the house nice, then Ted drew on the carpet with a black wax crayon. I’ve had to change how I feel about stuff like that.

For example, you have an idea that you’ll be able to bake a cake with your child and it’ll be really nice, but for us all Ted ever wants to do is eat the ingredients. If we’re painting, it drives me mad because he wants to mix all the colours together, and he wants to colour things in the wrong way. You just have to let go and say, it’s ok. Make a mess, it’s fine.

I think I’ve grown up a lot since becoming a mum. I’ve realised that some things just aren’t important anymore. I used to get so stressed about work, and then I’d come home to the children and think, ‘Why are we all fussing about something that minor?’ It puts things into perspective. Actually, that was one of the best things about going back to work after having Ted. I became more mindful and thought, ‘This is really silly, I’m not rushing around doing this. What’s the worst that will happen?’ 

Neither me or my husband brings work home with us now. We spend our days working solidly until we pick them up and then we can relax. I don’t want to put work first, but at the same time I really want to work still. That was one of the things I hadn’t expected. I’d thought I’d finish work and I’d want to stay at home, but after a bit - maybe on the first day! - I thought, ‘work is so much easier than this! It’s so much easier that being at home on your own and entertaining someone that doesn’t talk to you.’ Some people think that it’s a shame for me, as a working mum. I don’t think they realise that I choose to work because I want to and I like applying my mind to something different. There’s more to me than being a mum.

Hopes for your family: We want to make our children's childhood the best it can possibly be. As we are both teachers it's important to make the most of our holidays by spending our time together. There are so many places I want to travel to and think it will now be even more fun (if not very different!) with children. We both want to encourage them to have creative and enquiring minds and know that we are proud of their achievements.

What advice would you give expectant mums? Trust your instinct and trust what feels best for you and your family. Try not to doubt yourself or compare yourself to others; we're all in it together!

Rebecca, Winnie and Pearl

Name: Bec

Children and ages: Winnie, 5 years and Pearl, 3 years

Location: Old Trafford

Previous blog entry: http://www.the-mothers.co.uk/p/about-me.html

Life since the last blog post: There are no major changes in our family. I think perhaps things are at the point where parenting is slowly but surely getting a little easier though. Things are good.

I’m fully aware, while writing this, however, that I’m temporarily in a positive phase of parenting. I’ll be cursing myself in a couple of weeks; counting down the seconds to bedtime and using a nice big glass of wine as the carrot at the end of a long, hard day.

Motherhood since last being on the blog: When I last wrote my answers for the blog I was definitely in a ‘honeymoon phase’ with Pearl, my second daughter.

I do believe that having a second baby when we did was the best decision we made, but we really did not feel ready at the time. We suspected that in the long-run having two children close in age would make sense so took a risk. And, thankfully, when she was born Pearl was everything that Winnie wasn’t: easy to read, predictable, happy (sorry Winnie). It made the whole experience of motherhood so enjoyable. I feel so lucky to have had it this way; I could ‘enjoy every moment’ as you are so often told to with your first baby (even though there’s no way you can). I found myself just relaxing. I was not stressed at all. We didn’t do too many baby groups because I didn’t feel the need to. I had a good set of mum friends, and felt totally secure in my ‘mum’ role by this point. 

It made me realise that the hardest thing to deal with after having your first baby isn’t that you’ve got a difficult baby, it’s that you are having to change so many aspects of your life at the same time as bringing up a difficult baby. Everything changes: relationships, responsibilities, career, social life, and it all has to be negotiated whilst you are getting very little sleep. Second time round the only tricky changes you have to make are logistical - like working out childcare, for example. You’re already a mum and your partner is already a father at this point. But saying that, petty arguments were perhaps more commonplace at first for us, as we realised that family time and work time were such a difficult set of variables to balance. We spent time, and still do, praying that some higher power might decide to extend days to 30 hours long rather than 24, or having 3 day weekends rather than 2. This is yet to happen, and so we still continue to debate the pointless topic of who is busier and who is more tired again and again and again. 

Has motherhood changed you? When the honeymoon period ended with Pearl I started to really crave time for myself again. I didn’t particularly feel like the person I was before kids - my hair was falling out around the temples, I was going increasingly grey, I was covered in stretch marks, and the weight continued to sneak on. Then, I have no idea what the spark was, but one day I started to run.

My family are all runners, and for years I’d denied that I had any interest. The rebellious teenager in me always came out when they suggested I gave it a go. I was dreadful at it at first, but for some reason I stuck with it. There is definitely something about giving birth that empowers you - I suspect it’s the fact that you get through it without dying. It makes you realise you can do anything. I cannot put it into words. Before I’d always considered my willpower to be be pretty lacking, although, after starting to run I saw progress quickly and that helped.

Running became so important to me. It became an escape at the end of a long day. When my husband arrived home from work I’d put on my trainers and have half an hour on my own, watching the world go by, and not hearing, ‘mummy, mummy, mummy’. No-one whinging at me or demanding anything of me. And fresh air. Birds singing. Being rained on. Within months I felt so much more in control, and happier. I hadn’t really considered that I was unhappy before, but I think the fact that I no longer had negative thoughts about my physicality meant that I had one less stress in my life. 

I realised that actually I had pretty strong willpower, and I could use that to my advantage in other ways. So, yes, I guess I’ve got motherhood to thank for the changes I’ve made.

Hardest parts of being a mother: I do realise that there is a scale of ‘hardest’ things to cope with in parenthood, and the things I’m listing are definitely on the less devastating end of the spectrum. These are the things that are pretty insignificant, but can make day to day life feel impossible.

When Winnie started primary school I suddenly thought that things would get easier in terms of work. I had daydreams of all the work I was going to get done (in my perfectly tidy office that looked like something off Pinterest - because I’d have so much time on my hands that I’d organise everything in rainbow colour order). Oh, how wrong I was. With two children in two separate childcare scenarios, timing was and is tricky. And, being freelance, not knowing when the next job’s coming in, I couldn’t justify putting them in full-time childcare either, and at the same time I didn’t want to.
(If any freelancers have found the perfect solution I’d love to hear.)  

Other hard things are: 1. The time between 3.30pm and bedtime. Everyone’s tired, and running low on energy. That’s why kids need food and parents need coffee at this time of day. It is always made easier, however, when you’re with other parents (or at least out of the house) in my opinion. 2. When your child is made sad by someone else. It’s pretty gut-wrenching the first time you see your child affected by something someone else has said or done. 3. It was hard when I found out Winnie needed glasses (despite the fact she refused to wear them in these photos - but this is another issue). I felt temporarily really sad for her, and I thought I’d really miss seeing her lovely, innocent spectacle-free face. I got over that almost instantly when I realised she wasn’t bothered about wearing glasses at all. 4. Whinging is torturous - it’s like a really unassuming headache; it makes you feel exhausted yet it takes ages to notice what is is that’s making you feel so agitated. 5. Oh yeah, and hearing your name a million times a day is up there too. 

Best parts of being a mother: 1. Siblings interacting (nicely) with each other. 2. Reaching that stage parents of older children talk about when the children go downstairs on their own in the morning and can make their own breakfast. 3. Seeing them behave impeccably in front of strangers. 4. Brief, in-depth conversations that you have with them that give you a little glimpse into their lives without you. 5. Spying on them when you pick them up from somewhere and they don’t realise you’ve arrived yet. 6. Learning about the things that they specifically love or are good at. 7. Holding hands with them. 8. Uncontrollable tickle giggles. 9. Spending weekends together as a family. 10. The moments that make you think, ‘yes, this is it. This is why we had children’.



What you wish you’d known before having children: I wish I’d had an idea about how my gender could affect my career. Growing up I was lead to believe that whatever career I chose I was going to be equal to my male counterparts, but it has just not been true for me.

In having two children, in purely practical terms (by physically making 2 children) I’ve had to take time out of working. I’m therefore already behind. Then there are the really tough decisions that have to be made regarding what’s best for you and what’s best for your child: do you put them in childcare, or do give them a big chunk of your time? I don’t believe either is necessarily better than the other.

In the last five years, I have seen myself trailing behind male peers in work and it will take a lot of time and effort to make up for that discrepancy. It is the same for my male friends who have been the stay at home parents too. I think I was under the impression that I could be a career person AND a good parent. I’m still not sure if that balance is possible to reach.  

Any more advice for mothers and expectant mums: I had no idea how little co-parenting my husband and I would do. I am alone with my children a lot, and this reality never occurred to me beforehand. It is fine - no, it is fun - when they are in good spirits and I’m in good spirits, but it is not always the way. It is really hard work to be alone with a baby who doesn’t talk or interact all day. It is really isolating. For mums who feel like that, and are really experiencing the isolation, it gets much easier when they learn to talk but in the meantime surround yourself with other mums.

Lastly, It occurred to me a few months ago that actually the girls were suddenly starting to become considerably easier to look after. Their behaviour and manners were almost perfect. It seemed that five years of constant reminders about rules and behaviour, and telling them to ‘say thank you,’ and ‘say please’ and ‘shall we let your sister have a turn?’ that things were eventually starting to sink in. Good behaviour didn’t necessarily need a prompt anymore. I could sit back, around strangers, and pretty much guarantee that the girls would put on a great show. Ok, that sounds bad - perhaps the wrong word. But it seemed that after 4 or 5 long years of teaching the girls to be well behaved and polite that it had finally started to stick. So, I would definitely say to people who feel like they are hitting their head against the wall with bad behaviour and reminding children of rules, that consistency and standing your ground really does pay off in the end, but it can take a long time.