Claire, Reuben and Isaac

Name: Claire 

Children: Reuben (8) and Isaac (20m)

Location: Sale, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: Daunting, exciting, confusing. There’s quite a big gap between my boys so my expectations were quite different for each of them. First time around, I think I worried more about the ‘logistical’ side of getting a baby out of my belly and how this new addition would impact my life. Now when I look back, it was probably quite selfish. Second time around, I was still a little anxious, but more about the effect a sibling would have on my son, how the two of them would get on and how I could provide everything they needed. 

Reality of Motherhood: 24/7 contradictions. Motherhood really is a rollercoaster. You can laugh, cry, be overwhelmed with energy and feel absolutely shattered all in one day. Sometimes I feel like I’m kicking ass at this parenting lark, sometimes I’m surprised my kids have turned out ok (so far!). I’d love to give them everything they want at the click of a finger, but then I want them to have values and appreciate hard work. I deal with some pretty demanding clients, but none of them compare to how demanding children are. They are such unpredictable beings.

I’ll be honest, both of my labours were fairly straight forward (even with the pain), so my entry to motherhood, so to speak, was fairly smooth. What really shocked me, both times, was just how powerful sleep deprivation is. There were times when my body was in pain because of tiredness. The monotony of feeding for hours, changing nappies, wiping puke was tough, but it was the tiredness that got me.

Yet, in spite of it being so bewildering, it is bloody brilliant.

Taking your children home for the first time: I took Reuben home after one night in hospital and couldn't stop staring at him. I was quite overwhelmed with emotions and even shocked. I couldn't believe this little person was all mine and now I'd have to look after him and be responsible for his future…forever. With Isaac, I felt less overwhelmed by his presence but more nervous about how I’d love and treat my sons equally.   

The best/worst advice: Worst - sleep when baby sleeps. A bit of a cliche, but everyone knows how difficult it is to do. Best - do your pelvic floor exercises! In all seriousness, it is important to think about your health and wellness as much your babies’.

Photo taken by Reuben

The hardest parts of being a mother: Always questioning your decisions. No matter how confident I might be, there’s always a little voice asking if I’ve made the right decision when it comes to doing things for my children, even with the smallest of things. I want to push them to achieve their best, but I also want them to be free and enjoy their childhood. At the same time I want to protect them from the outside world and all of the terrible things happening, but I also want to make sure they are enlightened and aware of the challenges the world faces.

I’m extremely aware of just how much children learn from example, so there’s the additional pressure for me to speak and behave in a way that I’d want them to reflect. I don’t think I set a bad example, but I often wonder if I’m setting the best example. 

Knowing that I’m responsible for ensuring they become positive contributors to the world, is very scary. There’s no rehearsal, no chance to start again and I don’t want to ruin it for them.

The best parts of being a mother: Love. Love is an amazing feeling, but the love I have for my children is crazy. There isn’t a day goes by when my heart doesn’t smile because of them, even after the most stressful or emotional of days. My kids are bloody hilarious - at least I think they are. I love the fact we can all laugh together, even with the 7 year age gap of the kids! I genuinely feel so lucky to have the honour of being their mother. And even though I don’t tell him nearly enough, its made me love my husband more. He’s a great father and makes me a better mother. We have become a much stronger team now that we are parents.

Has becoming a mother changed you? I wouldn’t say its changed me, more like refined me. I have all of the same characteristics and personality traits I had pre-kids, but some have become more prominent since motherhood, whilst others have taken a step back. I don’t know how much of this transition has been intentional, but I’m definitely happy with the person I am because of becoming a mother.For the first few months of motherhood and maternity leave, I did feel like I’d lost my sense of self, probably because of the sleep deprivation! I felt like I was just an extension of my babies. But with time, once my confidence went back to normal, as did my sleeping patterns, I felt like ‘me’ again. In fact I felt like a better version of me, that didn’t really care what others thought.

I know my priorities have changed since becoming a mother. Not just superficial things like what I spend my money on, but how I spend my time and energy and who’s opinions of me actually matter (I’ll give you a clue, not many).

Hopes for your family: That we work together as a unit to support each other to grow and achieve our goals. That we continue to laugh together. I want my children to have opportunities. Success is important, whatever that means, but I want them to be in a position whereby they have the confidence to pursue their dreams and aspirations and celebrate who they are as individuals. I hope they will become good people with good, positive friendships. Ultimately I want them to be happy.

Now that I’m a mother myself I’m so much more grateful to my own mother for the hard work and sacrifices she made for me and my siblings. She moved here from Ghana when she was just 18. She worked extremely hard to give us all a good education and showed us the importance of hard work and self-worth. I just hope I don’t let all of her dedication go to waste through my own approach to motherhood!

I want my children to be aware of just how blessed they are to have the lifestyles they have been given, thanks to the decisions my mother made back in the 70s.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Listen to what everyone has to say, but don’t necessarily do it! If you don’t agree with or admire someone’s parenting style, why would you copy what they do? Every child, parent and situation are different, so what works for one person wouldn't work for another. Your instinct will be good at telling you what’s right for your child and your circumstances. At the same time, I think its really important to establish your own ‘mum squad’. Whether they are from your NCT, antenatal group, Rhyme Time, it doesn’t matter. What matters is having like- minded people to share and air your troubles and concerns with. Nine times out of ten, they’ll totally understand. And if they don’t they’ll probably have cake (or Prosecco)! Oh and do your pelvic floor exercises.

Follow Claire on her blog mumsomnia.wordpress.com or on Twitter @aniteyec 

Alison, Nora and Frank

Name: Alison 

Children: Nora, 2.5 and Frank,11 weeks

Location: Heald Green, Stockport

Expectations of Motherhood: I never thought I would be a mother. We married on the understanding that we would be fabulously child-free so it came as something of a shock when I woke up one day (and it was that sudden) and wanted, needed to have a baby. I then had to break the news to my husband that I had experienced a complete about face, fortunately, once we had had some conversations about it he was on board and we started trying to conceive. It was then eighteen months before I get pregnant, by which time I thought it was never going to happen.

Once pregnant, I expected that I would be still me, but with a child. That I would feel, behave and think in exactly the same way. That I would have time to read, and cook and create exactly as I had before. That I wouldn't mind sharing the childcare with my wider family, and that I would be happy to skip back to work just as before. I expected my child to be a mini version of myself and my husband, someone I could share my favourite children's books with, who I could teach everything I've learned so far and who I could absolutely make sure doesn't make the same mistakes that I did. 

Only one of those expectations proved to be accurate.

Reality of Motherhood: That it is constant wiping, so much wiping!
Seriously though, it has been life changing, and brain changing. I don't think in the same way as I did before, I can't feel or behave in the same ways that I did. My daughter is not a mini-me, she is a small but perfectly independent and unique person in entirely her own right and I wasn't expecting that. 




I wasn't expecting to find breastfeeding so hard. I had been to a class at the hospital and a La Leche meeting too so I really thought it would be fine for us. I thought that I would put my baby to my breast and she would know what to do and was surprised when she didn't. However I was also surprised by how much I wanted to nurse my baby and so put up with the toe curling pain it cost me to feed her. I think that was my first lesson in the sacrifices that motherhood can require. I sought help from every source available but it was still 7 wince-inducing weeks before it felt 'easy'. It then became a key part of our relationship, a vital tool in my mothering and something I mourned when it finished after sixteen months.
When my son was born I made sure I had expert support lined up. A tongue tie was spotted when he was 3 days old which was snipped on day 5 and I noticed an immediate difference. However feeding him is not the leisurely, relaxing experience that it was with Nora, he squirms, grunts and is finished in 5 minutes... I have compared nursing him to feeding a baby piglet, this means I've had to develop new strategies for nap and bedtime which are not entirely successful yet.

I wasn't expecting that my children would be so different from each other. I spent the first few minutes of Frank's life saying 'But he has a different face!' Although that might be the side effects of diamorphine. With my daughter I felt an immediate rush of love for her, a sense that she was awesome and incredible. With my son I just felt that he was a very nice baby and relieved that he was ok (his shoulders got stuck as he was born). This difference in feeling didn't worry me, I knew that I would love him but it would be a slow burn. Six weeks in that love is growing and getting stronger, it is solid and immutable and entirely his own.

Taking your children home for the first time: That was weird. When we brought Nora home it felt completely unbelievable that our driveway, our house, our furniture should all have remained the same when the universe had shifted so completely. We welcomed her home surrounded by loving grandparents and once they had left felt utterly unprepared for what we should do next.

Bringing Frank home was more of a logistical problem as we weren't sure whether or not we would be discharged until the last minute and had to make sure that childcare for Nora was arranged. We were home for just under 24 hours when we were recalled to hospital because he was jaundiced. My memory of this time is of Nora standing by our front door, crying and sobbing 'Please don't take him away from me'. It still hurts to think of that night.

The best/worst advice: Best... Find your tribe. Find people who mother in a similar way to yourself. It is ok that other people do it differently but it is invaluable to have a sounding board you can trust.

Worst... Anything to do with feeding, or sleep. All you can do is follow your baby's lead, try to tune into your own instincts and tune out all the voices shouting 'You should be....'

The hardest parts of being a mother: I wasn't expecting to find the change from not-a-mother to mother so hard, the reassignment of my identity to a whole new one was difficult, but at the same time rather interesting, a new version of me was being born. I did not at the outset, enjoy the new state of being constantly interrupt-able and, two and a half years into the process still don't. I was going to put a little symbol every time I was interrupted during the writing of this piece but it would have made the text unreadable.

The best parts of being a mother: So many new friends. I don't make new friends easily. I have a sound friendship group from school days and have met a few kindred spirits since but mostly I stick a few core people and feel a little distrustful when a new body is introduced to the group. However in motherhood this isn't possible, other people make the journey bearable, even enjoyable and through groups like La Leche, baby-wearing and a vital early days massage class, I found my tribe.

The other thing I really love is sharing my favourite books with my children, so much so that I launched a blog to list every book that we have read together. I never mind being interrupted when she asks me to read to her.

Has becoming a mother changed you: I am a stronger feminist than I ever was, and more strongly attached to my children than I ever thought I could be. I firmly believe that breastmilk is the natural food for a human baby and will do anything that I can to support another woman in her breastfeeding journey whilst remaining respectful of her right to make her own informed choices.

Hopes for your (growing) family: That my children grow in love for each other; that they have a strong sibling bond that I as an only child never got to experience. That my husband and I learn to balance our own needs with those of this children and of the family unit. That I am as fair and kind to my family as it is possible to be.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums:
I'm not sure I would offer advice. It's your experience and you will find your own way. If a mum is interested in some of the ways that I have learnt then I would suggest books which have helped me...'The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding,' for one, and 'The Food of Love,' which saved me in the early days. 'Three in a Bed' and 'Sweet Sleep' which are gentle and backed by good scientific research.

Oh, and take a squeezy bottle and lavender & tea tree oils into hospital to douse your bits during those first stingy wees.

Extra Info:
I'm Librarian, currently on Mat Leave. I like wearing my babies in beautiful wraps and I miss solitude more than I am comfortable admitting.

Laurie, Oscar and Erika

 Name: Laurie 

Children and ages: Oscar, 2 years 9 months and Erika, 4 months

Location: Ramsbottom

Previous blog entry: http://www.the-mothers.co.uk/2013/10/laurie-and-oscar.html

Life since the last blog post: We have acquired a lot more toys and I think if I ever went on Mastermind, my specialist subject would be Thomas the Tank Engine. 

After a year of working part-time, I changed back to full-time and then discovered I was pregnant. 

Then of course, there’s been the arrival of our baby girl, Erika Sophie. My job - working with perpetrators of domestic abuse - since having children has proved more challenging than usual at times; perhaps because I see the world differently now I have a greater responsibility to protect my little people.

Motherhood since last being on the blog: It took me quite a while to get to grips with being a mummy in some ways. Although I think I managed practically really well, my emotions took a while to catch up and the change in lifestyle took a while to adapt to too. Although having two children is a lot busier and more stressful at times, it’s definitely been easier second time around! 

Oscar, and now Erika, continue to astound me and I’m ridiculously proud of the smallest things. As he’s become older and changes and develops more, Oscar challenges me in different ways and I’ve spent a lot of time recently reflecting on my behaviour (when I feel like he’s driving me insane!) and constantly have to remind myself that he’s 2 and I’m 33. He’s allowed to not be able to control his emotions. I’m not!

Although I say that having a second child is easier than the first, it has brought new challenges. I breastfed Oscar easily for about 10 months and it didn’t even occur to me that I might have problems the second time around. But I did, and it was horrific – for the whole family. I had a lot of nipple trauma and several infections, was expressing night and day, attempting to cup and bottle feed (breast feeding directly in the early days was impossible) then it was discovered that Erika had a tongue-tie. The pain was incredible, but not being able to cuddle Oscar or Erika properly and the endless medical appointments slowly and relentlessly chipped away at me. I had to catch myself and remember how lucky I was to have a happy, healthy baby, even though it all felt so terrible at the time.

On reflection it probably would have been beneficial to everyone if I’d have stopped trying to breastfeed much earlier, but in the end I managed to do it, albeit with nipple shields, for 3 months. Just before Christmas, we found Erika wasn’t putting on weight quickly enough and my GP advised a bottle of formula a day. I stopped breast-feeding her as it was at the point where I wasn’t able to give her everything she needed, so the decision was easier as it felt like it had been taken out of my hands. She’s a lovely big fatty now and I’m significantly happier and really enjoying her (and I think I’m being a much better mummy to Oscar too). It is amazing how utterly determined I was to feed her despite all the problems. I guess we’re just pre-programmed to not let anything stop us feeding our babies.

On a positive note, I had a lovely experience of labour this time as I had a home birth. I really didn’t want to have to be induced like the last time, so when I was 4 days overdue I walked up a local hill to get things moving. It worked! Erika arrived the next day. It was very quick and straight-forward (although I was pretty distraught to discover the tube for the gas and air had been left at the hospital!). It arrived eventually luckily. It was so nice to shower at home and get into my own bed with my husband and new baby after it all. The midwives were amazing; supportive and kind and they cleaned everything up and left us to get to know each other. I would really recommend a home birth to anyone considering it. 

Has motherhood changed you?: Motherhood has forced me to change in certain ways. For example, you can’t be selfish. I don’t mean in a negative way, but that it’s rare to be able to put yourself first as a mother. I think overall I am happier since having my children. I don’t know if that’s changed me at all although perhaps I have a different outlook on life now; I feel very lucky to have two healthy, happy children.

Hardest parts of being a mother: Generally, day to day it’s a harder life as you never stop! There always seems to be something to do, a nappy to change, lunch to make... train track to build! Being ill is hard when you’ve got small children too. There have been times when all I’ve wanted is to get into bed and stay there for a day or two but you just can’t – I’m on call 24/7.

Best parts of being a mother: They are MINE! The smiles meant only for me because out of everyone in whole world, they need and want 

me. Those tiny hands on my face or arms around my neck; the small things that are huge. I also love the feeling of being part of a family unit. It’s the best thing I’ve done in my life. 

What you wish you’d known before having children: Actually, I think I’m glad I didn’t know how hard it could be at times; not that it would have put me off but because there’s no point in worrying about what might be. I think first time around it would have been nice to know that when it does get hard, that it’s always a phase and that there’ll be something new and different, be it difficult or wonderful just around the corner.

I wish I’d be told all the answers to being a good mother – but I doubt anyone will ever know that!

Any more advice for mothers and expectant mums: I’m not sure what I said last time, but what I find myself to saying to lots of mums is that they know best. No-one knows your child like you, so trust yourself and you’ll be fine. Also, don’t expect too much of yourself too soon after having a baby. Take time, let people help you and try to enjoy being in the baby bubble. 

Susie, MaryJane and Elizabeth

Name: Sue

Children: MaryJane, 4 and Elizabeth, 6 months

Location: South Manchester

Previous blog entry: http://www.the-mothers.co.uk/2011/10/sue-and-mary-jane.html

Life since the last blog post: Well, there's now another child in the picture! Elizabeth eventually came along after me having two miscarriages and surgery for endometriosis.
We've also moved house. After having our house on the market for two years we ended up moving whilst I was seven months pregnant - I wouldn't recommend it, but I'm so glad we've now done it. I started a lifestyle and events website for vintage enthusiasts residing in Manchester- which I'm now in the process of changing again to adapt to the changing market and to my personal wants and needs.

Motherhood since last being on the blog: Well having two rather than one is much easier in some ways and much harder in others. The easier parts are basically the fact that you've done it before- you can figure stuff out quicker, crying, feeding, teething etc. But the harder parts are now having two little people who both need their own routines and have their own schedules. For example MaryJane is at nursery for 3 hours every term time morning- juggling Elizabeths naps and feeding times around this has become easier but at first it was a stresspoint for me.



Has motherhood changed you?: I think I look at the bigger picture a lot more now rather than the minute details. I'm also extremely sensitive to how, and who with, I spend my time. I was never someone who suffered fools gladly previously, but now I probably much worse and cant bear being somewhere or doing something when I'm just not into it.

Hardest parts of being a mother: When the girls are poorly and when I'm poorly. Unfortunately the first 3 months after Elizabeth was born we were literally either at the local GP's clinc or the hospital every week- with one of us!

Best parts of being a mother: Watching the blossoming relationship between the girls.

What you wish you’d known before having children: How much you can feel like you are missing out on stuff, but actually realising non of it really matters.

Any more advice for mothers and expectant mums: Dont put yourself under unnecessary pressure. I wanted to breastfeed Elizabeth for 6 months, like I had done with Mj, but I ended up rather ill after the birth and I couldn't carry on. I really had to force myself not to feel like a failure. Just remember the main thing is you and baba are happy.

Susie can be found online at her sites www.oldfashionedsusie.com and www.vintagemanchester.com. She's also on Twitter at @oldfashionedsue

Jane, Sophie and Harry

Name: Jane Lee 

Children: Sophie, 2 and Harry, 9 months 

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: It was a fairly long journey to motherhood for me. I had longed for children since the latter half of my twenties and then, sadly, the long term relationship that I was in floundered. I had to wait to meet the right person to marry and have children with. This happened in my early thirties and we started trying for a baby straight away. However, we had to face a couple of miscarriages before successfully conceiving our daughter. Based on the strong bond that I had with my own wonderful mother, I expected motherhood to be the most amazing thing and couldn’t wait for the experience of getting to know my baby and all the fun things we would do and the love that I knew I would have for that much wanted child. Sophie’s second name is ‘Arabella’ which means ‘much prayed for’ - and she was.

Reality of Motherhood: The birth of my first daughter was a fairly traumatic experience resulting in an emergency C-Section in which I lost rather a lot of blood. The first couple of days of being in hospital were therefore spent in a slight haze of Morphine. 

I will never forget the first night that we were together and lying awake while she slept, just staring at her and loving her with such a powerful all encompassing love and feeling so intensely happy (I am sure that this was not just the morphine!). Those feelings have not gone away and are the cornerstone of how I feel about both of my children. 

The main reality of motherhood for me is that it is a dream come true. There is nothing more amazing for me than to watch my children develop and grow, and a single smile or moment of fun instantly makes up for the constant tiredness that has become a way of life for me now. The reality is ALSO that it is hard and it is relentless – waking in the night continuously to feed, change, comfort and then to spend the day feeding, changing, playing, stimulating, and cleaning up after the children. It is physically demanding and mentally draining – but it is ALL worth it.

Taking your children home for the first time: Having been in hospital for over a week with Sophie we felt fairly institutionalised by the end of our stay. It was very strange to see normal people walking along the street while we drove (very slowly) home with our new little bundle in the back. I felt like I should be shouting out of the window – ‘look I have had my baby – isn’t it amazing’. Getting home was a lovely time – we had family there and we put the baby in her carrycot and generally just enjoyed what felt like a massive achievement. The physical pain of having an emergency C-Section with each child marred the joy a bit and meant that we needed family to stay and help so we weren’t on our own for at least a couple of weeks in each case. I think that this eased us in gently and I am grateful for that. 

The best/worst advice: The best advice for me was to sleep while the baby sleeps and this is what I did. I have always been a cat napper, and the moment the baby went off I would curl on the sofa with my red blanket and sleep until crying woke me. These power naps really helped me to get through the day. Another amazing piece of advice was a friend who said, ‘Be kind to one another’ – parenthood can bring out such strong emotions in you, particularly if you are stubborn and opinionated, as are myself and my husband, so sometimes you have to take a step back and just be kind. 

I can’t think of any bad advice really – but each baby is different and you have to get to know what works for your baby and trust your own instincts as a mother.

The hardest parts of being a mother: For me the hardest part is dealing with the anxiety that I experience daily with regard to each of my children and the responsibility of them. 

I have always been a worrier but my levels of anxiety over the last two years have really peaked. My imagination runs riot with things that could happen and in hindsight I think that my traumatic birth experiences may have not helped this. The way that I am learning to deal with this is to take each day at a time and concentrate on the moment – and to enjoy the moment for what it is. 

Another difficult part has been accepting that I have to put my own life and aspirations on hold for the moment and concentrate on ‘growing and nurturing’ my children. I was made redundant whilst on maternity leave with Harry and whilst it is a relief not to have that particular job any more I have been placed in a dilemma, as the industry that I was in (law) does not generally practice child friendly hours and I am reluctant to go back to full time work whilst my children are so young. Because of this I have had to accept that, for now, I am a full time mum and am trying to learn that I don’t need to qualify this every time I am asked what I do by stating what I used to do as a job. It’s a humbling experience, but I am getting there!

The best parts of being a mother: Where do I start? The smiles, the laughter, the feeling that now we are a real family, the love that grows stronger every day. I love that I am starting to forge a relationship with my daughter and she tells me things and we laugh together. I love watching my husband being an amazing dad and the care and love that he showers on our children.

Has becoming a mother changed you? Absolutely. It has made me less selfish and much less inclined to care about what other people think of me as I simply don’t have the time for it. My children are my world now – not my job or myself. 

Hopes for your family: My hope is that my children will grow to be confident (unlike me who has always suffered with a lack of confidence) and will feel loved and supported throughout their lives. I hope that we will retain our sense of laughter and fun as a family and always love each other and be there for each other and have adventures together.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Join an NCT group – I have found such support and friendship in mine and wouldn’t be without it for the world. Also, try and take pleasure in all the little things that everyday brings – the smiles, the cuddles and the love. They far out way the general knackeredness and the state that your body gets into after having a child!

Elizabeth, Rufus and Dulcie

Name: Elizabeth

Child: Rufus, 2 years 7 months and Dulcie, 7 months

Location: Northenden

Expectations of Motherhood: I so desperately wanted to be a mother, and I suppose I imagined all the things that other mothers seemed to have - healthy, thriving children that gave them equal measures of joy and being pains in the bum. 

I never assumed I would have a disabled child, although something niggled at me during my pregnancy with Rufus, and there was an underlying level of worry. I would have probably incorrectly assumed that life with a disabled child was something unimaginably difficult and scary. It is, but it also brings a level of joy that I'd have assumed wasn't possible. Sheer excitement in the minutae of life (he's smiled! he's picked up a toy and assessed it properly!) and a strength that I didn't know I had.

Reality of Motherhood: Nobody can prepare you for the shock of your first child. How utterly upside down your life becomes. Add to that Rufus was premature, very, very ill and spent his first four months in hospital whilst we were being told it was unlikely he would ever make it home - well, the 'reality' was so distant from what I expected. To not be able to hold your child and nourish them for their formative weeks (a gap that has been healed immeasurably by having Dulcie) was so incredibly difficult and yet somehow there were moments of calm, laughter and real happiness when Rufus was in hospital.

Now with two so young, I wondered what I stressed about with one! And in lots of ways Dulcie is really easy - she isn't complex; she's completely unmedicalised our lives. But by god, she brings a whole new set of things; being mobile quite early and demanding my attention. Rufus is easy by comparison now!

Taking your children home for the first time: After he came home, I was bound to the house by fear. He was still so fragile and tiny. It was pretty isolating. But once we did start reaching out, going to baby groups, my fears started to disappear. Now the shame with Dulcie is that I don't have the time or energy to go to groups, but watching the two of them together at home, interacting in their own little way, is really rewarding.

Bringing Dulcie home after a natural labour (Rufus was an emergency c-section), with her breastfeeding so easily - I have been known to describe (possibly a bit dramatically!) as an elastoplast on my heart. My pregnancy with her had some very scary moments, and they induced her two weeks' early as she looked as though she wasn't growing as well. But the minute she was born I knew she was ok. There is this mystical 'mother's instinct', but I really believe in it. 

The best/worst advice: 

The best: "This too shall pass"

I love this - moments of pain, moments of glory. Everything is a stage. It's good to remember that hard things will come to a conclusion somehow, and also not to rest on your laurels and embrace the glorious days as they are far too short.

The worst: The multitude of friendly opinions about what you should do based around what worked for someone else. Especially contentious issues like feeding, weaning and sleeping. Which is all newborns do I suppose! But especially with breastfeeding: "they have to go to you like this", "try holding them this way", "you have to get a good latch". Arrgggghhh! I literally needed to clear my head of all the 'should be doings' and let Dulcie take the lead trusting that she knew what she wanted - especially difficult after a child with an extreme oral aversion.

The hardest parts of being a mother: All the wiping - bums, faces, hands, highchairs, your face, your clothes. There's a level of stickiness you become at one with. Also feeling like you're not allowed to admit to being bored. I love my kids, but somedays it's just meal/feed/dress/whinge repeat all day.

The best parts of being a mother: With Rufus, it's that fleeting bit of eye contact. And he is a happy, happy soul. He has a laugh that I promise you makes grown men smile. From 100 feet away. And it's being his advocate - I feel proud to be his Mum.

With Dulcie, it's everything as it's supposed to be, but I also now know not to sweat the small stuff. And to believe in myself. Being a mother has really empowered me, more than my career ever did.

Has becoming a mother changed you? Yes, immeasurably. In so many ways. But sometimes I like to remember who I was before all this, because I get asked so often, 'Are you Mum?', especially with hospital visits with Rufus. And I think yes, but I also have other things I can do!

Hopes for your family: That we deal with tomorrow and all it's unknowns with the same strength and reasoning as today. Rufus' condition is classed as 'life limited and life threatened'. I think of that in a detached way, but I hope still with enough clarity to access all the things he needs for the best quality of life whilst also not sidelining Dulcie. I hope at some point I feel grown up enough for all of this!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Trust in your feelings and instincts, but don't drive yourself crazy by trying to 'fix' everything or believing that every little worry will happen because you've thought it!

And skim read any books. Your babies will let you know when you're getting it right by them. Expect this to only be 50% of the time if you're lucky!

And if the unexpected happens, and you end up in an unknown place, reach out and ask for help. Shy bairns get nowt.

SWAN UK, Syndrome Without A Name have been a lifesaver for us. http://www.undiagnosed.org.uk

Elizabeth writes about her adventures at http://areyoukiddingney.wordpress.com

Louise, Belle and Isaac

 

Name: Louise

Children: Belle, 7 Isaac, 5

Expectations of motherhood: I didn’t really have any expectations. I’m very much an instinctive person and just knew that millions of women all round the world coped and therefore so would I. As I have always been a shift worker with years of nights, I also didn’t worry about the sleep deprivation. My thoughts were, ‘I can do that…easy’ – how naive of me!!

The one thing I had decided was that in no way would I be a single mum. I’d experienced the trauma of my own parents’ separation and witnessed some of my close friends struggle with the lack of money, the stress and no support. 

No, I decided that I would only ever have children within a secure family environment…umm.

For me there was never a burning desire to have kids. Just before I met my husband I'd resigned myself to the likelihood that it wouldn’t happen, since I was already well into my thirties and I figured it would take at least three years to know if a relationship would be worthy of creating a family. I’d also witnessed work colleagues go through the IVF process and the thought of having to go to that extreme wasn’t for me. So I guess at that stage in my life I thought it would be ok if it happened, and okay if it didn’t, which probably helped because once the decision to get pregnant was made it happened almost straight away.

Reality of motherhood: After the excitement of being pregnant, planning for the nursery and the absolute joy of creating a miracle you soon land to earth with a bump. It wasn’t until I started writing this blog did I realised that I was probably depressed at that point and it’s been painful to realise it.

After delivering my first child Belle, I recall very soon afterwards being suddenly alone in the hospital side room with her. My husband had left after the birth and I was attempting to shower to the sound of her crying. It was really weird and I wasn’t sure how I felt. I knew this baby needed me but I didn’t have this overwhelming sudden bond with her that I’d expected. I was blown away with the fact that I'd produced a miracle from my body, but slightly detached from it all.

Looking back maybe I was just too tired from the long labour, and in shock, but luckily soon after I started to bond with her. I was very fortunate that I was able to breast feed both children and soon relished those special moments - moments that only I shared with my baby, that rush of love and the hormones cleverly devised by mother nature. When all the visitors got too much, we’d run off and hide for a feed. These are some of my most precious memories.

Very rapidly you are hit with the torture of sleep deprivation, the inability to eat a meal, leave the house, take a bath or even go the loo. I remember opening the door to some relatives when Belle was 2 weeks old and noting how shocked their faces were at how tired and awful I looked. I felt like a ghost in some surreal state of mind. 

 The day to day drudgery of constant cooking and washing always got me down. I felt like I was running a café at some points. I’d just finish clearing up from one meal then it was time to start preparing for the next, yep the first year is hard. Both times it took me about 8 months to actually feel physically and emotionally like the person I was before - only now I'm me with kids. I remember feeling very isolated after my first child.

Even though our first child was easy to conceive, once we decided to extend our family we had the tragic experience of two consecutive miscarriages. It was such an emotional rollercoaster. I remember vividly the sonographers face when she recognised there was no heartbeat. It was all like a dream, being taken into a quiet room and waiting for the inevitable news. I was just in disbelief. It happened again two months later. I will never forget those times and often feel heart wrenched when I think how old they would have been now, what they’d have looked like. I imagine two hybrids of Belle and Isaacs’ faces.

Eventually my son was born and the world seemed all good. We were the happy family I’d dreamt of. The sleepless nights were still hard but being a second time mum I knew the overwhelming love and bonding that developed was worth it and truly amazing. I was more confident knowing the hard times would settle down. I have always been a really passionate believer in breast feeding and I was adamant that I would succeed. I even expressed milk at work despite my manager and colleagues thinking I was mad, so yes I pushed the boundaries. Maybe I’m looking for an excuse, but just before my sons second birthday my husband left me and the children.

Suddenly I was a working single mum with 2 children under the age of 4. To quote my daughter. OMG!!! 

How I coped is beyond me as I have quite a large chunk of memory loss of that time, but I did cope because - as they say - you have to. I just went through the motions I guess and kept focusing on being a good mum, I didn’t want the children to be affected by what had happened.

So three years down the line I’m proud to say that I’m still that working mum but to a 5 and 7 year old who make my life fabulous. Don’t get me wrong, they can be bickering naughty little monkeys a lot of the time, but the rest is awesome. My life is very hard, stressful and challenging but the rewards are immeasurable. 

The relationship all three of us enjoy is amazing and we are such a tight unit that work as a team. I thought I’d lost my purse recently and the usual dramas of putting their shoes on were suddenly replaced with speedy concern: 'Hurry up quick we need to help Mummy. Look she is worried!’ I found my purse but it was almost worth losing it to have witnessed that support from them when I need it. They are constantly amazing me with challenging questions such as, ‘how do I know if I’m awake or dreaming? I love it! They keep you on your toes. 

Then there is the love, such tender expressions of love. To have the moments we share as ‘The Maleks’, all the heartbreak, stress, trauma and worries are worth just a tiny fraction of what I get back, the tight cuddles and gentle kisses.

When you witness that look of fear when they think they have lost you in the playground, to know you can comfort them or reassure them they are safe after a bad dream. We spend about 80 per cent of our time together and even though it is such hard work I miss them desperately when they aren’t with me. I ring them every day just to hear their voices and say ‘love you’ to each other.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was in hospital for 5 days after Belle so I was climbing the walls to get out, although I don’t know why because I came home to a kitchen full of dirty pots and I just cried. I suppose it was the baby blues.

It felt really strange leaving the safety of the hospital and suddenly having the mechanics of a baby seat to understand. I was outside the main entrance waiting for the car and I felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me as to whether I’d be able to cope. The ride home felt like the most dangerous car journey ever and I couldn’t wait to get out. I also recall being really worried about the blazing sun and having visions of it causing laser type burns to Belles skin if it came into contact for even one second. The word neurotic springs to mind. The second time home was a walk in the park in comparison; I just got on with it without a second thought.

The best advice: Enjoy your baby and sleep when they sleep. Forget making cups of tea for everyone and tidying up, just get back in bed. You have no idea about how hard the sleep deprivation is, it is torture and unimaginable.

Forget all those plans you made when you were pregnant about ladies who lunch or meet for coffee, just fall in line with baby and go with the flow. I was advised that new born babies are still in shock and traumatised from being born - I certainly felt traumatised for quite a while despite having had a normal delivery, so that is probably right. Give your baby time to get over being born before you try and implement any kind of routine. Just try and get to know each other first. Relish the skin on skin, enjoy bonding with your baby.

Everyone tries to give you advice, but basically all mums and babies are different. Grab what information you think will be useful and just smile and ignore the rest.

Worst advice: I bought the Gina Ford book. Don’t even wedge a door open with it .Don’t take any advice that is prescriptive.

The hardest part of being a mother: This has to be feeling your children’s pain both emotionally and physically. Your instinct to protect them is so strong it is overwhelming. I knew quite rapidly that I would die for my children if it was necessary. 

The other big issue I have is guilt. It’s hard to be the best all the time as its 24/7 job. I have the guilt of being the bad cop, the guilt of working, the guilt of being a single mum - it does get too much sometimes. You feel guilty for wanting a break, just to get away and if you are lucky enough to get one you are then suddenly thinking, ‘How will they cope? What if this and what if that…’ My children are usually oblivious to all of this however and how rational I am will depend on how tired I am. 

 It’s also very hard to carry that weight of responsibility, especially being a single mum. To picture those innocent faces that rely on you for their security. This thought can keep me awake at night quite often. 

Finally the other worst part is lack of time. I feel like I do a rush job of everything and then the guilt comes back, it’s a vicious cycle. I certainly don’t have enough time for me. 

The best parts of being a mother: LOVE, LOVE and LOVE. It is so complete and unconditional from them both. When I’m feeling down or stressed all I need is a ‘mummy cuddle’ from both of them. To nuzzle and smell them or even to smell their clothes, it just soothes all my troubles away.

I love to hear their laughter and the imaginative games they play. I will often stop what I’m doing and secretly spy on them as it is so rewarding to see and hear. I’m so proud of how they are developing and achieving. They are normal kids but they are my kids and to witness the joy in their faces as they have mastered some new skill is awesome.

Hopes for your family: My hopes are for the basics. That they are healthy, feel loved, secure and happy. I don’t own my children but I just want them to have a chance to be the best at what they want to do. To support them in any way I can and hopefully have a loving respectful relationship. Once they are grown up – I hope that I’m not a boring chore to them. I hope that even though our lives will change we can have a close, loving bond and long-lasting friendship.


What advice would you offer for new and expectant mums: Sleep sleep and sleep. Cut yourself loads of slack. Forget the idyllic life of clean, happy baby and yummy mummy attending coffee mornings and various baby groups. Sod the house and comparing baby milestones. Some mums thrive on that but if it’s not you then seek someone similar. I needed someone to laugh at my sad stories and not pull a face when I ordered a large glass of wine at 12pm on a lunch date whilst baby was throwing the table decoration on the floor!! You still need to be who you are and have a life (albeit in hourly snatches once a week).