Laurie and Oscar

Name: Laurie 

Child: Oscar 15 months

Location: Ramsbottom

Expectations of Motherhood: I expected hard work. We used to lie in bed and talk about how much fun it would be to have a little one snuggled between us - a full and noisy house. I probably didn't think much further than being on maternity leave with a baby, but thought it'd be a jolly old time!

Reality of Motherhood: A million times harder work! A shock to the system even though it was all planned and expected. 

Taking your child home for the first time: Terrifying, and not because I didn't know what to do (I felt very confident in myself as a mother), but I just felt very vulnerable in the world and like I was the only one who could protect my baby. Unfortunately it was the day post-natal depression set in (which was fortunately very fleeting), but my house felt wrong (like the weird feeling you have when you get when you come home from a 2 week holiday, only magnified a thousand times); the world felt wrong. I didn't feel sad or upset, I just felt nothing (then that made me feel guilty!). What was always evident was that it was a given that I would do everything within my power to look after this little person. It was also a big relief to finally have him at home with us after all those months of waiting. 

The best/worst advice: The best advice came from a brilliant midwife who told me, "You're his mother, you can do anything you want!" - I'd only asked if I could use baby wipes instead of cotton wool on his bottom, but by saying that I realised I had permission to take control and just do it. 

Worst advice: from the breast feeding support worker (or peer support worker) at hospital. I'd fed Oscar successfully twice, but then she turned up, said was doing it wrong, made him cry - he didn't even cry when he was born - then said I couldn't go home because she hadn't seen me feed him. 

Now I think back, I was vulnerable and she basically threatened me by saying, "What will you do when your baby won't feed in the middle of the night?" and, "if he's re-admitted to hospital you won't be allowed to come with him". 

It really angers me. Especially when I went on to breast feed until Oscar was about 10 months. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The night time in the very early stages: a killer! Realising that you will never really relax or be just yourself anymore.... Or at least not for a few decades! Worrying about doing it right! 

The best parts of being a mother: Having the most wonderful little creature that's ever existed!

Knowing that all his healthy weight gain was purely down to my milk. And now, as he's getting older, those little arms around my neck and his kisses. 

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Yes, I'm more sensitive in a lot if ways, like hearing sad stories, but I'm also very strong and feel like I have my priorities a bit more straight. 

Hopes for your family: More babies! 2 or 3 maybe. I just hope for me and my husband to do the best to raise our children with confidence, determination and to be kind. To be happy.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Hide away for 6 weeks, be just a mummy, recover, eat, drink and sleep. Snuggle and kiss your baby. Don't have too many visitors unless they run around after you. Don't put too much pressure on your yourself. It's hard and if anyone says they found if easy, they're lying. Trust yourself and do it how you want to.

Frances and Mia

Name: Frances 

Child: Mia, 18 months 

Location: Wythenshawe, Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I thought it would be easy!

I’d always wanted a baby, and when I fell pregnant I was so excited, but at the same time really scared. I was 16 and still living with my mum, with no place of my own and no financial security. I did think it would be fairly straight forward though because my sisters all have lots of kids, so I’m used to being surrounded by children.

When I was pregnant I didn’t know whether she was a boy or girl, so by the end I was couldn’t wait to find out what I was having. My sister came along to the scans and although I hadn’t wanted to know the sex, my sister tried to get the sonographer to tell her the sex of the baby secretly. He did look but he couldn’t see because Mia had her legs crossed.

During my whole pregnancy my mum was really ill and I was her main support - my brother lived with us, but he was rarely in. Then she ended up being taken to hospital and I ended up having to travel from Moss Side to Wythenshawe hospital regularly to visit her. Money was tight because as a pregnant 16 year old I was not eligible for any financial help. I was having to steal lifts where I could to go and see her, and grabs little bits of money off her for food, etc when I could. She had lots of animals so would always give me cash to feed them.

Reality of motherhood: Not easy at all.

I loved the birth. The second I went into labour I was so excited. It was amazing - I was going to find out whether I was having a boy or girl! I was in labour for 24 hrs, and it did hurt, but it was fine really. I think the pain was exaggerated by the fact that it was my first baby and I didn’t really know what to expect. At the end I was knackered but I can’t wait to do it again - I loved it! 



Despite loving the whole pregnancy and the labour, I’ve found raising Mia really hard. I love her to bits, but being a mum is so exhausting. Recently Hassan and I have thought about trying again for another baby, but then we decided that Mia wasn’t quite old enough. I had to be realistic about the amount of effort involved and the fact that I actually don’t get any time to myself. She still needs so much of my attention - I think another baby right now would be too much.

Mia is a really good girl though and she sleeps really well. I had to wake her up this morning; she slept through till 12pm! I find routine really important for both of us - every night it’s bath, bed and bottle for 7pm so that I can watch the soaps. I feel like I need ‘mummy time’. Sometimes you have to be strict because otherwise they can walk all over you, but there are times when I’ll ease off and let her come and join me in the evenings for a cuddle if she wakes up.

Taking her home: It was scary taking her home. She was born on her due date and when she came out she seemed so tiny and fragile. In the hospital they’d shown me how to bath her and had taught me about breastfeeding - I was totally prepared - but being left on my own was quite daunting. 



At first I stayed at my mums and remember spending a week sleeping on the sofa with Mia in a moses basket next to me. I was so tired that I didn’t even bother going upstairs to my bedroom other than to get nappies or clothes. Mia was pretty good early on and behaved how you’d expect a newborn to - waking and feeding pretty regularly - but I remember finding breastfeeding so exhausting. Hassan helped me out so much and would take her off me in the nights during those first few weeks. He was, and still is, really good with her.

I was offered a place to live when I was pregnant, but wasn’t allowed to move in till after she was born. A week after she arrived, I moved into my own place. It felt good to have my own tenancy with my own name on the contract. It did feel strange though. I’d been used to cleaning the house and cooking for lots of people - for my mum, my brother and his friends while my mum had been poorly - but this place was just for me and Mia and it was new to me to be doing it all on my own.

Best and worst advice: Since finding out I was pregnant with Mia I have always had the same health visitor, she’s from the ‘Family nurse partnership’. The Family Nurse Partnership help with young first time mums and you get assigned one of their health visitors when you’re pregnant. They visit you till the baby is 2. She’s helped me get a grant for college equipment, she’s helped me make appointments and has been there to push certain people when they need a little nudge. She’s always there with help and advice.

I was also given a social worker when I was pregnant - I was given me the impression it was something that they do for all young mums, but later I discovered it was because they felt that my mums parenting might be reflected in mine. I had been given a social worker as child because of reports of neglect. I wanted to show them that I would be a good mum though. I took all the support I was offered to prove I was committed to being a mum.

My social worker did help me with financial support - I had to ask for the help, but I was entitled to money. It was weird that they didn’t make it apparent to me despite knowing I was struggling with money. It was only when the health visitor said, “Ask your social worker for the money - it is available,” that I knew to ask for help there. I didn’t understand the benefits system at all because I was 16 - it’s all so complicated.

Some of the (government) support I’ve received has really helped, but I didn’t need it all. They didn’t trust that I could ask for help myself. They didn’t believe that I’d be responsible, so that’s the reason why they gave me supported housing. To prove them wrong I just make sure that I use every bit of support to my advantage - if it’s there it’s definitely worth using.

Regarding good advice, my sisters have been really helpful. They all have 4/5 kids each and when I was buying stuff they’d warn me about the things I shouldn’t bother buying, like changing tables. I ignored them and bought one anyway, and well, they were right - it’s hardly ever been used. My family really do leave the parenting to me though and they trust that I know what I’m doing.

Hardest parts of being a mother: When she’s poorly. When she’s ill it’s really hard work because her sleep is so disturbed. And the times when she’s fed, bathed and clean, but she’s still crying. I think, “I can’t give you any more!” It’s so hard to know what’s wrong sometimes. 

I don’t get much time on my own either. It’s only recently that I’ve started to get any time to myself. In those early months I didn’t put make up on or do my hair. I never had time to look after myself, but that was quite unlike me. It’s been nice to spend a bit more time on the way I look now she’s a bit older and less demanding.

Losing my mum has been hard too. She’d always been in a wheelchair, so she’d never seen my place - it’s a shame. She did get to see Mia lots when when I took her over though. It was in November that she died, just before my 18th birthday. She’d promised she’d buy the drink for me to have a party, but died just before and she didn’t get chance to celebrate with me. I’m the youngest of her kids; her baby. To remember her, on my birthday I went to go see her and shared a drink with her on the grave so that I could mark my birthday with her. I still don’t think I’ve come to terms with it though.

We do have family support though from all of my sisters, and Hassan’s mum lives nearby. I’d known a few of his brothers and sisters before I was pregnant, but I only really met his mum when I’d had Mia. We do get on really well though and Mia goes over to stay now and again.

The best parts of being a mother: Little things that they do. The milestones too, like walking, her first birthday, saying, “mama” and getting her first tooth. You think, “Wow. This is what it’s all about.” It has been amazing to just watch her turn into a proper person.

Has being a mother changed you: I’ve learnt a lot. I’m still the same person, but I’ve had so many new experiences. I look back at the younger me, and back then I thought I knew it all. Now I’ve experienced motherhood I feel a lot wiser. You have to adapt and learn - find your own ways. I imagine that once you’ve learnt how to be a mum it it’s like riding a bike.

Hopes for your family: Eventually I’d like to have 4 children - 3 more after Mia. That will be my family. I’m from a big big family, so I love being surrounded by kids.

Career-wise I want to own a big health spa. I’m very ambitious. I’ve started my beauty therapy course - currently doing level 1, and then hope to carry on the level 2, 3, and then want I want to do Holistic therapy after that.

I’ve planned it all out, but in the end I want to own a house and move out to France.

Also, I’ve looked into surrogacy because I enjoyed the pregnancy and labour so much. I think I’d love it. Right now I can’t do it because I’d have to stop smoking and I don’t think I’d succeed in quitting right now, but I’d love to give someone a gift like that one day.

Advice to new and expectant mums: Do what you feel is right and don’t be scared by what other people say. Everyone has different experiences of pregnancy, child birth and motherhood. 

To mums in my situation, well, good luck! It’s been hard. I would say, push yourself and never give up. If you want to do something and it goes wrong, don’t give up, try again the next day, and if that doesn’t work try the day after. Wake up everyday thinking, ‘Today’s the day‘. There is nothing that a young mum can’t do that an older mum can.


Frances and Mia featured in photographer Len Grant's award winning blog http://herfirstyear.co.uk - a wonderful piece of work and well worth a read.  

Vickie and Lily-Mae

Name: Vickie 
Child: Lily-Mae, 3

Location: Levenshulme, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I used to be a real party animal; there was a party at ours every Friday and Saturday. If I had money in my pocket I was going to spend it, because even though I really wanted a baby, I’d resigned myself to the fact I wasn’t going to have one.

We had tried for 3 and half years and in that time I’d had two miscarriages. Fertility testing was the next step, and during one of our first appointments at the hospital they said I had to take a pregnancy test before the procedure.

I was late, but that was nothing unusual. I did a test and amazingly it said that I was pregnant. Immediately I was sent for an early scan, which then confirmed that I was 2 to 3 weeks gone. I knew not to get my hopes up, but 2 weeks later we went for another scan, where 6 weeks and 5 days was confirmed.

I imagined family life as this little perfect bubble - with a baby we would be all luvy duvy, with cuddles on the sofa, a house full of harmony, and no stress. I didn’t realise that motherhood was going to be hard work. I only imagined the obvious things like changing nappies, playing, cuddles - those pictures you see in magazines don’t portray a realistic picture.

Reality of motherhood: When I went for the early scan they had thought I had an enlarged bladder so they kept me there for hours, constantly sending me back to the toilet to empty it. The Consultant was called and he discovered that I had a very large ovarian cyst. It was decided that they’d just leave it. It was large, but it was OK to leave.

Then when I was 6 months pregnant, I was rushed to hospital with chest pains. The cyst had grown and was taking up the precious space that baby needed. It was bigger than a brick. At that point I had to make a choice of either removing the cyst and then creating complications for the baby, or leaving it and jeopardising my own health, plus the baby wasn’t growing. The choice I made was to drain it. I was in hospital for 3 days, just in case I went into early labour and during that time a drain was put in my side. They removed two and a half litres of fluid (more than a coke bottle), but after that everything was fine.

Pregnancy had been hard work with really bad morning sickness - every second was horrific. I was massive; gigantic! I couldn’t move. I had swollen ankles and problems with my back, because after the cyst had been drained the baby went through a massive growth spurt. I was told that the baby would about 9lbs (despite the fact I’m quite small). At the end of the pregnancy, after being in labour for 4 days - having constant debates with the staff about whether my waters had gone - Lily-Mae was delivered by emergency c-section on the Sunday after her heart beat had dropped. She was 10b 5.

We were in hospital for 10 days over Christmas, including Christmas day too. 
From the day she was born, and for the duration of the 1st 6 months, motherhood was nothing like I’d expected. One of the main things I remember is really wanting skin to skin, but I didn’t get to hold her for 2 hrs. I found that really difficult. It was nothing like that beautiful mother-daughter first meeting that you imagine. 

We’d wanted this baby for so long, but I was so scared - even the simple things like changing her seemed so daunting. My husband was great though and he took over the care. I was quite poorly and both of us needed antibiotics intravenously, then I got another infection in my womb – a haematoma. In hospital Lily-Mae was amazing though. I thought I had a bit of an easy life because she never cried, she was so quiet in hospital and she slept lots.

In the hospital I felt quite pressured to breast feed, but it just wasn’t working. They tried to get me to express, but I wasn’t having any luck with that either and we weren’t prepared for bottle-feeding because I’d assumed breastfeeding would be second nature. You don’t get warned that there could be initial problems with breastfeeding and the added pressure from midwives doesn’t help when you don’t succeed. You feel upset that you can’t do best for the baby, because ‘the perfect mother breastfeeds’, but what can you do if you can’t breastfeed? It really got to me, and coping with the infections at the same time was really tough.

Taking your child home for the first time:
We had my husband’s step son at home with us for the first week because it was New Year. I couldn’t wait to get home and enjoy the time as just me, Sam and Lily-Mae.

I found that first week very very hard - Luke doesn’t usually live with us, so finding our routine with another guest was difficult. I tried to establish a routine for the 3 of us, but Sam was having to look after his 8 year old son. I felt that I needed my husband’s full attention. It probably is through selfishness, but I wanted him all to myself.

When we got home Lily-Mae started to wake through the night. I didn’t have the help of the midwives and I was very scared - you get used to being told what to do and how you should do things. Those first 6 months were extremely difficult and I’m really sad to look back because I don’t remember an awful lot of it.

Best advice:
Sleep when baby sleeps. 

My husband and I tried alternate nights so that we each got a full night sleep every other night - we were really lucky that his shifts allowed us to do this.

Get some fresh air everyday.

Mother And baby groups are great. I’ve made some amazing friends through having Lily-Mae. My friends don’t really have kids, so meeting other mums who could give me advice and I could chat with was great. We were all on maternity leave at the same time.

Worst advice: Feeding on demand. I found that when bottle feeding this technique ends in screaming fits. Lily-Mae was waking up starving and it was stressing us all out. We ended up feeding every 2/3 hrs and if she didn’t finish it she didn’t finish it.

Regarding breastfeeding - it isn’t best for everyone, so if it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t make you a bad mother.

Hardest part of being a mother:
When Lily-Mae was 6 months old I was rushed back into hospital with stomach pains.
Doctors discovered that had an ovarian tumour which had grown in the pocket of the cyst. There were massive complications in surgery and the tumour ruptured, leading to me being in surgery for 7 hours. I’d had no idea I was ill, putting any pains down to the c-section and having a big baby.

I left hospital after the operation, seemingly well, only to be told by doctors that the biopsy they’d taken on the operating table had confirmed that that the tumour had spread. I had to have my whole ovary removed in the end. In this 2nd operation they carried out open surgery rather than keyhole and they found another tumour. After that I was given the all clear (although I am still under Oncology because I do have fibromas on my other ovary).

After all that has happened I think I’m very lucky to be here. I am thankful for being healthy and well. Now I’m over the surgery I’m OK, but I struggle with the fact that I’ve forgotten that first year (though I don’t want to feel sorry for myself). I didn’t want Lily-Mae to know I was poorly and had to keep upbeat all the time, so that’s probably why I found it such a chore. 

Another difficult thing to deal with as a mother is when they're ill. It’s impossible to be rational - you don’t get told how scary it will be. You constantly checking they’re OK, listening out for their breathing in the night, but in reality they’re a lot tougher than they look. Weaning was hard work for me and potty training too, but it could have been made harder by the timing and the illness. 

Best parts of being a mother: Everything.

Unconditional love - she thinks her mummy can do no wrong. I’ve never felt that love before in my life, where you love that person no matter what they do.

I love the way you know what they’re thinking and you learn to read their moods. You find out what they need just from looking at them. You become their translator and understand everything that they're trying to say.

I love having the responsibility and feeling like an adult. She’s made me grow up and act like an adult. I enjoy cooking for her and we have lots of fun together. You never know what the next day will bring. We do lots of colouring together, painting, reading, playing with playdoh, watching movies and having cuddles - just having lots of fun! I love that she’s suddenly become really girlie and her own character with her own favourite interests that we can share, like doing hair and nails.

We’re best friends. She’s so happy and I feel responsible for that. I must be doing something right because she’s so happy and healthy.

One of the best moments of my life was being told I’d had a little girl - I thought I was having a boy because a consultant had told me he thought it was a boy.

Has being a mother changed you?: It’s made me organised.

When you’re looking out for someone else you forget about yourself. The things that were important before are no longer important. It’s all about Lily-Mae now and how she’ll fit in to everything.

Hopes for your family: I want her to stay happy. That she’ll be who she wants to be, I hope that she’ll never be afraid to talk to me and she’ll tell me whatever is on her mind. I might not like what she has to say, but I’ll always be here.

Advice to new and expecting mums:
Let your child guide what you do in the day, so if they don’t want to stay in go to where they want to. We get out everyday - even if it’s just to walk down the road. It gives you a break from the same four walls.

Take help if you need it (and take as much help as you can get). It doesn’t make you any less of a mother to accept help. I wanted Lily-Mae to know who her mum was, I wanted to do everything perfectly - being super-mum - but it didn’t work. You need to realise what’s important and that is spending time with your child. There’s so much that I can’t remember from the first 6 months and it upsets me. I feel like I spent too much time trying to be perfect. Having a messy house doesn’t matter, having an occasional takeaway, having a day in your PJ's and leaving the pots in the sink - none of it matters.



On coming homing it became more apparent that there was a real push from ‘society’ to do things the perfect way. Everyone seems to strive to be the ‘perfect’ mum. Over time though, I discovered that a happy mum makes a happy child. I wanted to be a perfect housewife with the perfect house - a wife and mother who looks amazing and cooks brilliant food - but it just isn’t possible. I don’t think you should listen to anyone else who tells you what to do, you know best even if you doubt yourself on occasions. 

For everything I’ve been through, Lily-Mae is so worth it - I see her as my angel. I believe things happen for a reason. If it wasn’t for the scans the doctors would never have seen the tumour and then who knows where I'd have been. She’s saved me in a sense and so I idolise her. I’m so grateful for what she’s done for me.  I wouldn't change a thing about motherhood - my little lady is my world!

Liz and August

Name: Liz

Child: August, 8 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood:
I knew it would be tough, but to be honest I couldn't actually picture myself as a mother so it all seemed a bit delusional. I tried not to think about it too much and just hoped a healthy baby would appear at the end.

Reality of Motherhood:
The first 6 weeks............... horrific! I could not believe nobody had pulled me to one side and warned me about this while I was pregnant.

Obviously the sleep deprivation is a killer, but absolutely nothing prepares you for this. You would never be put in a situation (unless as a form of torture) where you are woken every 2 hours. It was around week 2 that I realised I would not be having more than a 3 hour block of sleep for quite a while! This would be bad enough on its own, but add to it a bruised and battered body, plus learning to breast feed and its even worse!

Now 8 months in...... motherhood is still exhausting but so much fun! 

I feel so privileged to spend everyday with August.

Taking your child home for the first time:
After spending three days in a shared room with 4 other women (one of whom was in labour!) with August screaming the place down and demanding a feed every 30 minutes I was ready to get the hell home! My partner and dad picked us up and it felt like a getaway car. We shoved all my stuff into a bag, grabbed the baby and fled! I was sure they'd made a mistake and if we weren't quick enough they would change their minds and be after us.

As soon as we got home I started cleaning.....I went into hospital on the Monday morning and didn't get home til the Thursday evening, so nothing was how I left it. Two grown men had been living at home while I was away so let's just say standards had slipped a bit!

The best/worst advice:
The worst advice was from a breast feeding counsellor who said, 'if it hurts your doing it wrong'. I did everything I was supposed to but it still hurt. A lot! 

I stuck with it and after about a month things fell in to place. I think August and I were just getting used to something that was new to both of us.

The hardest parts of being a mother:
No matter how much help you have or are promised, in reality it all comes down to you. I think it was around the third month I suddenly realised, 'Oh my god I am the one who has to do everything!'

The best parts of being a mother:
The bond I have with August right now. 

I know as she gets older this will be split more equally between her father and I, but while she is still a baby and so dependant on me I'm enjoying the rewards of being the apple of her eye!

Has becoming a mother changed you?
In some ways yes but these could be temporary as it's still the first year. She is my number one and it can be hard to concentrate on much else. The idea of going back to work at some point scares the hell out of me and I'm lucky that I can take my time a bit. I do look back on things I used to worry about and think, 'WOW, you had way too much time to think about things!'

Hopes for your family:
I just want to raise a happy, healthy, and confident little girl and hope that I can be there as much as possible for her.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?In the first few weeks only surround yourself with people who will be 100% supportive of you. You will most probably be exhausted, depressed, highly strung and extremely emotional, so anyone judgemental need not apply!

Joanna, Pablo, Nico and Lola

Name: Joanna 

Children: Pablo (3), Nico & Lola (6 months) 

Location: Levenshulme, Manchester 

Expectations of Motherhood: I guess I expected to be more of an "earth mother" type. I thought I would want to stay at home with my children until they were at least two like my sister did. My mum was a stay at home mum until I was about 11. I also kind of expected to be more soppy about my children, as I am quite a sentimental person. And I thought I'd be the sort to make my own baby food and breastfeed as long as possible. 

Reality of Motherhood: Pablo, my eldest son was a very colicky baby and wanted to be breastfed every two hours around the clock. Apparently this is normal, but that doesn't stop it from being intolerable! Especially, given that poor Pabs used to scream the whole time he was awake for the first four months of his life. He was a very light sleeper and I had to walk up and down jiggling him for at least 20 minutes after each feed to get him to sleep. Then I'd put him down and he'd wake up and I'd have to start the whole thing again. Even co-sleeping did not work. He would lie next to me and scream in my ear! He wanted to be in my arms and he wanted me to stand and pace the floor, preferably whilst listening to white noise CDs at full volume! My husband and I would fall asleep listening to the sound of Arctic winds sweeping across the icy tundra, only to be awoken one hour later. I was getting a couple of hours of sleep a night and the adage "sleep when he sleeps" used to send me into paroxysms of rage. "But he doesn't sleep!" I ranted to anyone who would listen. Daytime naps lasted maybe 20 minutes, and I had to walk him round the park in the pushchair to get him to drop off each time. Then he would wake up at the slightest noise and I would have to be on hand to jiggle the pram and get him to sleep again. There was no way I was going to be able to nap when he did. 

I was dying to stop breastfeeding but he refused to take a bottle until one day when he was seven months, I gave him fruit juice in a bottle and he liked the new flavour so much that he took to the bottle. That gave me a bit more freedom. I know breastfeeding is very beneficial to babies but the reality for mums can be a life of 24/7 slavery. At times I felt like my baby was deliberately torturing me. I wasn't depressed, but I was very angry that this whole burden was foisted on me and only me, and nobody could give me a break. Sleep deprivation made me extremely short-tempered and I would phone my mum to complain or cry down the phone. She's had it really tough, dealing with me dealing with motherhood! 

I tried taking Pablo to a cranial osteopath, I tried taking him to a specialist, thinking he had reflux, but nothing seemed to help. Then when he was 4 months he smiled and was happy for a bit of the time he was awake. That was a breakthrough. He still wanted to be held and entertained constantly but at least it was possible to make him happy! I did think motherhood would be a bit more of a doss; that I might be able to do some nice home cooking while my baby napped. In reality, I constantly had to hold and entertain him or work to keep him asleep, so there was no blissful period of watching daytime TV and meeting friends for coffee. Just drudgery! Suffice to say when Pabs was nine months old I was very glad to have the chance to go back to work. I'd been a language teacher previously, but I never fancied combining teaching with motherhood. I knew I'd end up using all my patience for other people's kids and have none left for my own! My husband had started a business about 18 months previously and was struggling with the admin side of things, so I started helping him two days a week, which went up to three days when Pablo was 19 months and four days when he was two, as the business grew. 

I probably sound like I don't even like my child, but I really really do! My love for my children is like a fact of life, it's just there, hardwired, like having brown hair (well mostly brown!) It doesn't make me weepy and sentimental but when I cuddle them I often get a rush straight to my heart. It's physical, I can actually feel it. I really like Pablo too, which is not the same as loving him. I enjoy his sense of humour, and his imagination. He is also very affectionate, and passionate and a bit of a charmer. Even when he was about eight months old he used to give me these fierce hugs, where he'd press his little face into mine so hard that it hurt! As I get to know Nico and Lola, I like them more and more too. I'm dying to know what's going on in their little heads! 

I found out I was having twins at my 12 week scan. Before then I'd noticed my bump was bigger than first time round, and I'd been joking that I was going to have triplets, little thinking that a multiple birth could really happen to me! Of course I was shocked, though not as much as my husband, Guille, whose reaction was "Oh Gooood this is the end of our lives!" I was very worried about how I'd cope, especially if I got two babies as colicky as Pablo. I felt a sense of impending doom for most of my pregnancy and I forced myself to get stuff done (potty-training Pablo, buying our first house) because I couldn't face the thought of doing it later with twins in tow. When I was about 30 weeks pregnant I received a magazine from TAMBA (Twins and Multiple Births Association) which had loads of photos of cute twins and next to each picture how many weeks they were born at: Kira and Kyle 35 weeks, Jordan and Dane, 34 weeks, Mia and Megan 32 weeks - Aargh! I realised my babies were statistically very likely to be born prematurely (i.e. in a couple of weeks' time) and I still didn't have a double buggy or any tiny baby clothes (they were likely to be titchy too). So I rushed around buying everything which was fortunate because they were born shortly afterwards at 34 weeks. 

Taking your children home for the first time: I had Pablo at home, so there was no coming home from the hospital. I just hit the ground and kept on running. My labour was very quick, 6 1/2 hours from start to finish. I was talking to my contractions going, "Come on pain, do your stuff, open me up and let Pablo into the world!" It was like leaning into the wind. I'd wanted to have pain relief, but because it was all so quick, I didn't get the chance.

It was 11pm on boxing day when I went into labour. Everyone tells you to just chillax and carry on as you were until the pain gets too much, so I just kept on watching Peep Show, then tried to go to bed, though of course I couldn't sleep. Then at about two in the morning I woke Guille up and told him he should start inflating the birthing pool. He spent ages pumping the thing up and filling it, which was no easy matter as the water tank wasn't large enough to provide sufficient hot water, so he had to run a hose from the electric shower and boil the kettle and numerous saucepan. We'd had a dress rehearsal, so we were prepared for all that. The only thing was, once it was full, he realised he hadn't put the liner in, which meant it wasn't hygienic enough to use, so he had to pump all the water out and start again! Cue some choice swearwords in Spanish! Meanwhile I was on all fours on the bathroom floor, groaning.

By the time he had refilled the pool, it was about 5am and the midwife had arrived. "Don't worry, you probably won't have baby till about lunchtime tomorrow!" she breezed as she started to examine me. 
"Can I have some gas and air?" I pleaded. 
"Maybe later," she said, "You're doing so well with your breathing!" 
With me in agony, she took my blood pressure, felt the baby's position, and lastly had a look to see how dilated I was. "Oh, I think you're about to have this baby!" she said brightly. Hmm that's what I thought! "Do you want to go down to the pool?" 
I did, so she nipped out to get her equipment, but while she was gone I got this overwhelming urge.
"I'm pushing!" I roared to Guille who was still twiddling with the birthing pool downstairs. "Get her to come back!"

Despite underestimating how far on I was, she was a very nice midwife and helped me decide when to push so as not to tear. I got on all fours and roared and thrutched, it was all very primal. Guille was pretty awed. Then Pablo was born onto the bed, looking like some kind of purple grub, but strong as hell, pushing himself along. Guille remembers feeling bad for him, thinking, "When are they going to pick him up?" He was there for seconds all alone, before he was scooped up for the skin-to-skin with me. The second midwife arrived after an hour or so (there are meant to be two of them at a home birth, one for you and one for the baby, but me and Pabs were a bit too quick off the mark.) 

After they left it was a bit weird, living in this twilight world of constant waking. He was jaundiced so I had to feed him every two hours (timed from the beginning not the end of the last feed) and midwives came to visit every couple of days to check on us. One of them made me feel awful for giving him a dummy "A breastfed baby doesn't need a dummy, you're stopping him from feeding and getting the fluids he needs." I ended up bawling my eyes out that I wasn't doing right by my baby. Although things didn't go entirely according to plan, I would definitely count Pablo's birth as a good experience. I felt in control of my body and of the whole process. 

The twins' birth was the polar opposite. Twin births are considered high risk, so it's not possible to have a home birth. I suppose you could if you were very radical and got in a private midwife, but if someone tells me my baby could be in danger, I'm not going to argue. Nevertheless, I was keen to have as natural a birth as possible, and as both babies were head down, that seemed reasonably likely. 

The labour was horrid because the contractions came so close together right from the start. They were about three minutes apart from the beginning and rapidly escalated to a state of constant agony. Meanwhile instead of crawling around and responding to the pain, I was laid on my back and strapped to a monitor while various doctors and midwives desperately tried to find a trace of Lola's heartbeat. They brought in a portable ultrasound machine and scanned me, only to find that one of my good little head down babies had migrated into a transverse position. Naughty Lola! Then they checked how I was progressing and this weird male nurse who looked like Lurch gave me an unwholesome grin and told me I was fully dilated. This precipitated a frenzy of activity. "OK mum, we need to take you to the delivery suite, we might need to do a C-Section or we might have to deliver twin 1 vaginally and twin 2 by C-section." They all call you mum, which is incredibly annoying, (I am not your mother OK?!) but seems to be NHS policy. I was raced through corridors on my wheeled bed and was just about compos mentis enough to let them know that, no thanks, I really didn't want scars in two places and could they please just get both babies out by C section if possible, ta.

Meanwhile, poor Guille was given a gown to put on, then he made a quick film on his iphone of him saying "So, this is it, ready for the birth, let's go and meet our twins!" Then when he emerged, everyone had disappeared! He found the theatre where I was, but he wasn't allowed in because it was an emergency C section, and they had to give me a general anaesthetic. I just remember there being about twelve people in the room. A doctor was trying to explain the implications of this document I had to sign, but I was in so much pain I said "It's OK, just give me the pen!" I had a carbon copy to keep and when I read it weeks later I realised I'd basically given them carte blanche to get my babies out by whatever means necessary: C-section, forceps, ventouse or any combination of the above. Under the circumstances I feel very fortunate that it went so well.

The anaesthetist warned me he would have to put pressure on my windpipe to stop me regurgitating the pizza I'd innocently troughed just a few hours previously, and I woke up hours later, shivering so much my teeth chattered and incredibly thirsty. I went into labour at about 8.00pm and the babies were delivered just after midnight. Lola weighed 4lb 4 and Nico 3lb 14. They were carted straight off to the neonatal unit, but I was informed that they were both doing well. Unlike Pablo, I didn't get to see them till the following afternoon. It was nice on the maternity ward. I've never been in such a female dominated environment, (a sorocracy!), but they do try to squeeze you out as soon as they can see you're OK. I was told five days, but after three they were already asking if I felt ready to leave. Having your babies cared for by specialist nurses for the first three weeks of their lives has a lot of advantages. eg. you can actually get some sleep and recover from the birth, instead of plunging headlong into the hideous world of sleepless nights. Visiting them, helping with tube feeds, changing their nappies, all feels like a privilege instead of a chore. I was planning to try breastfeeding them , because I thought it was only fair after Pablo had bagged himself so much boob, so I was expressing every couple of hours. They have a pumping room for this purpose, which makes you feel distinctly bovine, but you do meet lots of other friendly cows in there, and a kind of blitz-spirit reigns. It would make a great Radio 4 play. In any case, we found out that our twins were quite lucky to be born at 34 weeks, and they made very good progress. Only two weeks after they were born we moved house, which was pretty hellish, but at least we didn't have any screaming babies to deal with on removal day as they were still in hospital. 

The neonatal staff were incredibly lovely and it turned out to be a very positive experience for us. Before we brought the twins home, I roomed in with them for a night, which turned into a nightmarish breastfeeding marathon as they took it in turns to feed for two minutes before falling asleep and waking hungry five minutes later, and this throughout the whole night. It took me right back to the darkest days with Pablo, a place I was really not willing to revisit, so after that I decided to bottle-feed them a combination of expressed milk and formula. I kept it up for about two months, but my milk supply dwindled and the health visitors were acting like I was a saint, so I thought, I don't need to be that good! And promptly gave up. 

Motherhood this time round has been a very different experience and mainly because of my mother-in-law, who serendipitously retired the week the twins were born, packed up and shipped in to our new house. She's been here ever since. She has made it bearable, helping with the sleepless nights and generally giving the babies and Pablo lots of love and attention, as well as doing plenty of cooking and housework. She is great and we get on very well most of the time. She's Spanish, from Madrid and doesn't speak any English, but I am fluent in Spanish because I lived in Barcelona with my husband for a couple of years, so we can communicate just fine. It's also great that Pablo has picked up a lot more Spanish with her around, and he surprises us every day with new phrases, many of which make him sound like a granny! He'll do stuff like hold up one of Lola's new outfits and go (in Spanish) "Aw isn't this gorgeous! And look, it's got trousers as well!" 

There are moments of tension sometimes, mainly because I can be such a cow when I get no sleep. I try to be assertive and explain our way of doing things, and she tries to go along with our choices about how to bring the children up. The main thing is that there is a lot of goodwill on each side. My Mum also comes over several times a week to help out and my Dad has helped us so much in our new house, building a ramp for our enormous buggy, repressurising the boiler and all kinds of other tasks that we have no idea how to do. If we didn't have so much help from our parents we would have to get an au pair and spend a fortune on handymen, which obviously we couldn't afford.

The best/worst advice: The best advice is use your instincts, accept all help offered, and don't beat yourself up about not being perfect.

The worst advice is to do with making a month's food in advance and freezing it, and similar over-organised stuff.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Dealing with toddler tantrums and resistance to every step of daily routine, whilst simultaneously dealing with two babies with colic or teething, after a sleepless night which I know will be followed by another sleepless night. Feeling rage that my children could be so mean to me as to never let me have any sleep. Losing my temper with people I love, seeing my husband lose his temper. Never having any time for myself or quality time with my husband.

The best parts of being a mother: Making babies giggle with their cute little gurgly laughs, kissing their lovely baby skin, watching the twins start to take notice of each other, seeing my children's personalities develop. Enjoying toddler humour:" Harry Pottermus", "Grandad's a dustbin!" Enduring toddler love including bisses which are bitey kisses (and quite disgusting!) Seeing my husband being a lovely dad. Sharing a look with each other when one of the kids does something cute. Reading to Pablo and discovering some fantastic kids' stories, such as the Dr Seuss one about the pale green pants with nobody inside 'em!

Has becoming a mother changed you: I am the same person. I just have a lot more responsibilities than I ever thought possible, and I've had to become more organised and have routines whereas I've always preferred to do things randomly. I am more irascible, but I always had that in me. It just comes to the fore more because I have more triggers.

Hopes for your family: I have so many hopes for us. It's not just about being happy, you know! First up, I want everyone sleeping through the night by the end of 2013. 

I hope the kids will get on well like I do with my sisters, that they will appreciate each other's personalities and rarely fight. I want them to speak fluent Spanish and appreciate their Spanish roots and culture, I want them to survive the teenage years unscathed and unbullied. I'd like them to be more financially savvy than me. I'd like them to learn to play musical instruments. I want them to be hardworking but funny and creative. And I want them to be able to talk to us about stuff that's bothering them. So, not much to ask then!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: It's easy to feel guilty all the time, because there's always something you could be doing better, but it's OK to be just good enough to get by, and sometimes being just good enough requires actual heroism, for which you can give yourself a little pat on the back. When you are not good enough, get over it and get on with it. You are only human after all.


Get a dustbuster, and a tumble dryer and a dishwasher. Get a cleaner if you can afford it. Cut the corners you need to cut to remain sane. 


(Lola's first roll captured during the shoot)

Holly, Willow and Wilbur

Name: Holly 

Children: Willow 5yrs, Wilbur 8 months

Location: Levenshulme, Manchester 

Expectations of Motherhood: I always knew that I wanted to have children, but I think I wanted to wait for the feeling of being 'grown up' enough to become a mum.

I originally did a degree in Art and Sociology, but found when  job hunting it wasn’t very useful, so I initially worked in care jobs and mental health. A couple of years later I started a degree in Occupational Therapy to try and combine my creative side and my health care interests.

Half way through my degree we started getting a little complacent when it came to contraception and I got pregnant.

When I was younger I never felt that I understood other women or how I should really behave as a woman, so when I got pregnant I very naively felt like this was my opportunity to be the ultimate earth mother, living “as one” with this beautiful thing inside me that was made out of love. I wanted my birth experience to be calm, happy, the very epitome of womanhood and a bonding experience for my husband and I (and my mum who was supposed to be with me). Of course, it didn’t turn out as I had hoped or expected. 

I was utterly gutted when I went for a scan after a small bleed at 12 weeks to find out that my baby had died. I had a horrible miscarriage and cried for weeks. I became fixated on becoming pregnant again, probably to prove I could do it more than anything. 

When Willow was born I had planned to breastfeed her exclusively. I was prepared for the sleepless nights and the constant feeding and knew it was going to hurt, but I was determined I was going to feed her myself. I was even naive enough to think that women that didn’t breastfeed their child simply didn’t try hard enough!

As Willow grew up I had very clear vision that I wanted her to not feel restricted to girlie toys and have everything pink. I wanted her to hate Barbie, to climb trees, to get mucky and love it.
With my second child, Wilbur, I had expected to get pregnant straight away; it took three years. In this time I lost three stone and had another miscarriage, then I finally got pregnant with Wilbur. Eventually, I realised that he was a real baby who was going to make an appearance and so I should plan for his birth. My plans were very modest and all I really wanted was for it to be a positive experience, and nothing like my first birth experience.


I had expected motherhood to come naturally to me. I had expected what people tell you will happen; the rush of love for your baby, the elation when they are born and the grief of separation when they have to go to nursery and school. Needless to say, the reality was quite different! 

Reality of Motherhood:  Wow, the reality of motherhood hit me hard!

Willow’s arrival could not have been more different than how I had planned. She was breech and I had to have a planned Cesarean section. I had assumed an elective c-section would have been calm, positive and a pain free way of having my baby but I was totally shocked about how brutal the process was and how brusque the staff seemed. I started crying on Willow’s second day and must have stopped only 3 weeks later. Looking back I quite obviously has a rather nasty case of postnatal depression. 

Breastfeeding Willow did not go to plan, my milk never came in fully and she lost over 10% of her body weight. I had to mix bottle and breast feeding and beat myself up for months for not being able to exclusively feed her. I was not prepared for the constant anxiety and guilt or the insomnia, and not being able to drift off to sleep because I was so wired and terrified that she would wake up and want feeding at any moment.

Despite my hippy, earth-motherly dreams I was not a natural maternal type. Willow was a very unhappy baby, full of colic and never seemingly comfortable. She would scream from about 3pm in the afternoon until 9 or 10 pm and would be inconsolable. We would call it “suicide hour”.

I knew I had to care for her but I remember not being in love with her or particularly liking her. All the mums at the baby groups seemed to be doting on their babies but I just wanted mine to stop screaming for long enough for me to get some sleep. It turned out that poor Willow had silent reflux but she didn’t get diagnosed until she was about 5 months old. After being put on the right medication she became a much happier baby and we got to know each other all over again. I started to fall in love with her and realise that we had all had a really tough few months, but now things were only going to get better. 

My experience with my second child was totally different. I had a c-section booked but wanted a natural birth so when I went into labour naturally I was really happy. The labour was actually OK, I’ve had more painful toothache and although it was very uncomfortable and very intense I almost enjoyed the primal, instinctive aspect of it. My husband and one of my best friends were with me throughout. Sucking on gas and air and a couple of jabs of Diamorphine got me through 26 hours and then Wilbur was born. I was completely elated. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him, and I finally understood what all the other mums I knew were going on about!

Wilbur seemed so easy compared to my first experience. He was easily soothed and he didn’t cry all the time. I exclusively breastfed him, however he got an infection in his umbilical cord and again I didn’t have enough milk to keep his weight up. He lost 15.9% of his body weight and had to be admitted to hospital at 5 days old. I was gutted to have to start mix feeding again but he was going to be seriously ill if we didn’t.

Taking your children home for the first time: Taking my daughter home felt wonderful because I had had such a horrible time in hospital that I thought home was the answer to everything. As it turned out, home was the start of a whole new level of sleeplessness and perforated ear drums from the constant screaming. I ran on adrenaline and hysterics. My mum had come to help us out and ended up not leaving for about three months because I was such a wreck. My mum being around was a blessing and a curse really because she seemed to be the only person who could soothe Willow - I felt increasingly useless.

Taking Wilbur home was a totally different experience. My mum was there again, but I was determined to be more together this time. I was really lucky enough to get the support I needed.

There was a moment when I looked at my daughter and my new baby and suddenly all the hippy-dippy earth motherly feelings I had initially hoped for actually happened! I felt like I had everything I had ever wanted.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I had was from my friend Audrey. I would often take my daughter and go and hide at her house in the afternoon (to try and distract the baby from the evening screamies). She told me everything with children is a phase, even the good stuff - so whatever they are like now, it won’t last forever. That saw me through some very dark times!

The worst advice I had was whilst we were trying to get pregnant with Wilbur. It took three years to get pregnant and I had to go to the women’s hospital for investigations. People would constantly say, “Oh you just need to relax!” and, “Stop trying and it will just happen”. It drove me nuts even though I knew people were just trying to be nice.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The hardest part of being a mum has to be accepting that I have limitations and I don’t always have the answers or solutions to every problem.

Finding (and sharing) the time and energy for the people I love is also tricky. With my first baby I think my husband and I forgot to give each other enough attention, and that made it hard to get on when we were both tired and grumpy. 

The best parts of being a mother: The best parts of being a mother has to be being able to witness this creature that you have made turn into a little person with a very big personality.

The laughter and joy in simple and unexpected things is wonderful, for example, the relief in seeing a great big poo erupt from your baby when he has been constipated for days are joyful!

Hopes for your family: My hopes for my family are that we will remain close. I come from a large family of half brothers and half sisters, but none of us are particularly close. I would love for Willow and Wilbur to be there for each other when they grow up.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Have realistic expectations! Child birth and babies are unpredictable things and trying to have control over every aspect of it can really backfire. 

I listened to a hypnobirth CD about giving birth naturally after a c-section for a few weeks before I had my second child; I found it really helped to relax me and give me a positive outlook on having another baby. My other bit of advice would be not to worry if you don’t immediately feel gushy and maternal, it doesn’t mean you won’t love your child or give it a great start in life.

Additional comments:

Miscarriage affects 1 in 4 pregnancies, and that is a lot of women. I found the silence surrounding being pregnant for the first 12 weeks and pregnancy loss very isolating. The Miscarriage Association website is full of information and Tommy’s do fantastic work and have a midwife available to talk to.

http://www.tommys.org/

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/