Lorna and Dexter

Name: Lorna

Child: Dexter, 16 months

Location: Cheadle Hulme

Expectations of Motherhood: I never expected it to be a walk in the park, but I have to confess to thinking it would be significantly easier than working full time. I envisaged a few tough but equally wonderful months of getting into a routine before embarking on a maternity leave that would allow me the chance to indulge in all of the things I never had enough time to do, with the added bonus of having a new little pal in tow. My house would be tidier, I’d cook lovely meals every night and for the first time ever I’d fall in love with exercise because I’d have all this spare time, meaning I’d shift that all-important ‘baby weight’ and go back to work feeling a million dollars. And most importantly, I’d make sure that Dave and I still had ‘date’ time –because your life doesn’t have to stop just because you have a baby, right?

Reality of Motherhood: Well, I definitely had a little pal in tow, mainly due to the fact Dexter fed constantly during the first few months and refused to sleep in his cot during the day until he was about 8 months old. I also really surprised myself by how strongly I felt about him being with me or Dave at all times; we didn’t leave him and have that all important ‘date’ time (or should I say ‘date hour’) until he was almost 9 months old. That was partly due to circumstance as my parents live in Spain (in my crazy new-mum head, my mum was the only other person who could possibly look after him), but if I’m honest I just couldn’t bear to be apart from Dexter, even though I was also massively yearning for a bit of time to myself.

I found maternity leave and the first year of motherhood a massive rollercoaster; there were days when I felt so utterly joyous and lucky to have this gorgeous, healthy boy in my life that I couldn’t ever imagine going back to work. Equally, there were lots of times when the sleep deprivation and groundhog day-style monotony of caring for a young baby really got to me: looking back, I wailed the very un-maternal words ‘I just want my old life back’ at pretty regular intervals. It wasn’t so much that I was craving big nights out or wild parties but I just couldn’t get to grips with not being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. It turns out that having a baby is bloody hard work. 

Taking your child home for the first time: It felt like an out of body experience! I hadn’t slept properly for about three days and felt like I’d been kicked in the chest and nether regions by a very large horse (apparently the chest bit was due to some interesting positions thrashing about over the side of the pool but fortunately my memory seems to have blocked out that rather undignified part). After waiting to go home all day we finally set foot back into our house at 10pm so there wasn’t really any time to get ourselves sorted or have any kind of ‘and breathe’ moment before getting started on our first night at home.

I was overwhelmed by love and fear in equal measures, and although Dexter actually slept pretty well I was totally wired. I remember dragging my sore, shattered body out of bed and taking him from our room into his to feed because I’d bought a new chair to feed him in, so I couldn’t possibly do it anywhere else (!). Sitting munching chocolate digestives recommended by the midwife for my low blood sugar levels (a new habit that my thighs are now not thanking me for) I remember wondering how everything could have changed so much in the 24 hours since I was last in the house.

Best advice: ‘Just do whatever you need to do to get yourself through this phase’. Dexter had never been a great sleeper but between 4 and 8 months it stepped up to a whole new level of hideous. Not only did I feel horrendous but I was constantly worrying that he would get into even worse habits that could never be rectified- oh the drama! My friend gave me this advice after a night of being up every 30mins with him and it gave me the confidence to go with my instinct rather than what I thought I should be doing.

Worst advice: ‘Don’t let him get into the habit of sleeping on you’. Practically speaking, this is probably good advice and would have spared me some wrinkles down the line but I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. My thunderbolt of love for Dexter didn’t come the moment he was born; it built up over those first few weeks and months of having him so close to me day after day. Some of my most precious memories are of when Dave first went back to work and we spent hours, just the two of us, dozing on the sofa. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: It’s a cliché but there’s a whole heap of guilt- guilt about enjoying working full time, guilt about leaving work earlier than I used to, guilt about not doing enough ‘activities’ with Dexter, guilt about other people looking after him…it’s a pretty endless list really. And yes, I do still miss doing what I want, when I want!

The best parts of being a mother: The laughter- I can honestly say I’ve never laughed as much in my life as I have since having Dexter. He’s had such a strong personality since the day he burst onto the scene and-although I probably would have mocked anyone saying this before I had him- he’s hilarious. I find myself belly laughing on a regular basis and that’s something that gets you through the tougher days of being a mum. After ten years together it’s also made me fall a little bit more in love with Dave- he has developed what I call the ‘Dexter smile’. It doesn’t make an appearance for anyone else but he beams pure love whenever they’re together and that’s a pretty amazing thing to witness between your husband and son. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? This is the hardest question to answer as in many ways I feel that I’m exactly the same person that I always was but in others, everything has changed. For me, the most difficult part of maternity leave was feeling like I didn’t exist as a person outside of being Dexter’s mum and coming back to work, I found it hard to fit back in with my younger colleagues whose lives now seem so very different from my own.

On the plus side I’m more content than I’ve ever been- Dexter has completed a part of me that I had no idea was empty and the fact that we’ve made it through the first 16 months with relatively few battle scars is probably my greatest achievement to date. I’m also poorer, fatter and have significantly more wrinkles but you can’t have everything!  

Hopes for your family: As well as the standard health and happiness that all mums wish for their children, I want Dexter to have the confidence to believe he really can achieve anything he sets his mind to and to see as much of the world as is humanly possible. As a family, I hope we can keep laughing as we have so far. Failing all of that, a lottery win would be lovely. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?Don’t doubt yourself- you’ll find your own way in your own time. 

Your baby will still love you and be a decent human being even if you don’t go to fifteen classes a week.

Be open to making ‘mum’ friends- I was sceptical but was lucky enough to meet some great girls who helped me survive the sleep deprivation with plenty of cake and laughs.

Nina, Ada and Edith

Name: Nina 

Children: Ada, 3 years 8 months, Edith 1 year, 8 months

Location: Ramsbottom

Expectations of motherhood: With my first, I think I thought it would be like having a doll who just did whatever I needed them to do. We'd carry on our normal lives with a cute little person to hang around with. From labour onwards that fantasy was blown away....instead I got a real baby! 

Second time I was better prepared for all the stuff I wasn't prepared for 1st time. But still, there was the shock of getting a child who was entirely different to the first. My mum told me that you spend such a long time fantasising about your baby before and during pregnancy that when your own arrives you almost grieve for the one you didn't have. 

Once you've adjusted you can't imagine a different child, until, of course, you have another. Oh yeah, I had girls too! Not one, TWO! That wasn't in my imagined family either, I just thought I'd have boys like everyone else in my family. 

Reality of motherhood: it's the hardest job I've ever had to do. EVER. The responsibility is mind blowing & often overawing. Babies and children do not do what you require them to do, and therefore I found myself challenged from the very first moment I was passed my 'beautiful' pooping, screaming, red and angry baby. 

Bam, guilt!!!!! No one really told me about the guilt. The Guilt. 'Could do better' is written in invisible ink all over my every fibre. Is it worth it? Of course. 

Another sometimes harsh reality is the seismic shift of every other relationship you hold dear. Becoming a parent changes everything. How you see your husband, friends, parents and well, everyone. I have a new found sisterhood around me, other mummies. Born from tearful, exhausted confessions of a sleep deprived new parents at baby groups, in the park, cafes, work, anywhere really. I sniffed out, with expert detective eyes, other mothers, who appeared like me, to be bumbling through; other mums that forgot obvious essential items like......oh I've forgotten already. I clung on to their stories, identifying with their anguish and admiring their strength. I made new and significant friendships. I became closer to my own mother & mother in law. 

Taking your children home: We were desperate to get home with Ada and begin our journey into parenthood. 

We asked strangers on the hospital corridors to take pictures. 

We fiddled with car seats & coats and blankets and everything it seemed. 

I held her tiny hand all the way while daddy escorted his precious cargo home. 

My head full of fears and hope, rabbit and headlights springs to mind. 

With Edith, after a near perfect re-enactment of her sister's exit from hospital we were less fearful and more confident so called at the supermarket to get supplies. We pushed our newest bundle around and my heart swelled every time someone peeped at her and gave the sigh of delight at the sight of delicious squidgy newborn. 

With my second I had a better idea of what I wouldn't do. I wanted to feel in control. I wanted to call the shots. I wanted visitors to come on my terms. I grew some bigger mummy balls. Still got slapped with a big dollop of guilt though. 

Best/worst advice: All my best advice has come when I felt a person is being real. I felt other mums loosen up when I've shared yet another mummy fail and not edited my experiences and advice to be that of a perfectly calm and rational earth mother (because I am not one of those it transpires). Who knew? 

It seems I am fairly good at being a bit crap at it all but I tried to laugh. Parenting is not a competition, there are no prizes (other than your own adorable bundle of joy of course) so if you're gonna turn it into one, I don't wanna hear. Tell me a story about peeing the bed on the first evening postpartum & slipping in your own puddle of piss while your baby is trying to latch on to your elbow then I'm all ears. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The fear and guilt. Learning to laugh is a life saver. The realisation that this shit is real for the next 20 years is scary as hell. Also, 2nd time as a large cloud crept up around me the hardest thing was seeking help, but it was the best thing I could have done. 

Has motherhood changed you? Aside from the physical changes, the extra 2 stone I carry and a bladder with a mind of its own, the changes are positive. I may no longer have a social life, clean clothes, a tidy house, disposable income, time or sleep but I do have 2 awesome little angels. Two sisters who throw their arms around each other & declare 'huggle', who pull each other's tops up to blow rasp berries on their tummies, who cry if the other is hurt, who feed each other & fall out, who hold hands, who watch each other's backs. These 2 little humans are the best replacements for anything I had before.

Hopes for your family? I wish for my family to be able to find laughter and love at the centre of everything. I wish for our girls to grow into citizens with a conscience & desire to take part. I hope my girls grow up to respect themselves & and others. I hope my girls know how loved they are. I hope my girls continue to watch each other's backs. I hope my girls are never afraid, but if they are, to come to us.
Advice for new mums: All the obvious stuff, enjoy every nano-second, take loads of pics blah de blah. But really, be yourself, remember who you are and don't try & be super mum. Do what's right for you and your family and trust your gut mumma instincts always. Ask for help and remember, everything is never usually as it may seem. Don't look at others and compare, look at your child and their awesomeness and use that as a measure of how well things are going.