Nicola and Douglas

Name: Nicola 
Child: Douglas, almost 3 (and 16 weeks pregnant with 2nd child)
Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: My expectations were that of most people I think: that it will be easy enough, it won't change your life and you will ensure the baby fits in with you etc, etc. 

Haha! How silly I was! 

Babies are like little whirlwinds of chaos at first! I didn't expect being a mother to be so rewarding however. I also expected that I'd be a mother who stayed at home 5 days a week with her children with no desire to work again. Again, that's not really what happened.

Reality of Motherhood: This will sound negative to start with, but it is the hardest and often most thankless task in the world. The relentless tiredness in that 1st year of Douglas' life was something no-one could ever have explained to me beforehand. While in it you cannot see the wood for the tress. 

Occasionally the fear of being responsible for this little person's wellbeing and their future was overwhelming, especially in the early days. However, being a mother is so rewarding and the joy you feel when your child does something new and exciting, or tells you they love you, is not even remotely comparable with anything else in life. It has taught me how to have endless patience, which I didn't know I was capable of (and can only be a good thing). It has given me a love that is so overwhelming it can still make me cry now just thinking about it.

For me I could not be the stay at home mum I had hoped to be (and had put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to be). Once my little boy was 1 I realised that I had to have something else too, and so I went back to my wedding accessories business that I had set up just prior to having him.  I think this makes me a better mum as I really look forward to the days I have with him and also look forward to work (which is often a lot easier than childcare!). 

I can deal with this decision now, but at the time felt a huge amount of guilt for wanting to be something other than Dougie's mum. I really believe women get a hard time these days whether they choose to go back to work, have to go back to work, or choose to stay at home. You can't win no matter what you do, someone always has an opinion on it. Usually other mums!

I also have made some amazing life-long friends since having Dougie and I think it has been really important for me to have this support network. No-one can understand motherhood like someone else going through the same thing at the same time as you. 

I liken being a mother to being at university in freshers week. You meet lots of other mothers after you've had a baby and the one thing you have in common is a baby (when at uni it is being at uni), but understandably you won't get on with them all. Within a few weeks you work out who are your real friends. 

Generally my experience of other mums has been positive, but I do know of people who have not had such a positive experience. I think it's really sad that some women can be so horrid to other women when they should be supporting each other.

Taking your child home for the first time: For me this was a bit of a blur. I had a planned C-section with Dougie as he was breach, and so all I can really remember is slowly shuffling along endless hospital corridors and then the same into my house (1st floor flat unfortunately). I felt rather like an invalid and was constantly in a lot of pain (it went soon enough though). 

I remember us driving very slowly to the house and playing a song called "Douglas" by a band we like, and me mostly crying all the way home!

The best/worst advice: 

The best advice I was given was to, "Enjoy these moments as they pass".

The worst advice comes from people interfering when you are trying to get on with your daily life - eg. when you're shopping in Sainsbury's and someone tells you, "He doesn't need a dummy," or something equally as ridiculous, and frankly it is none of their business. You become public property as soon as you are pregnant and this seems to continue into motherhood.

The hardest parts of being a mother: For me this is now a lot easier, but for a very long time I just found it so hard to trust my instincts. I was always worried about WHY he was doing something and WHY he had changed his patterns. Now I see there is no rhyme or reason and you cannot control things, so it's just best to not analyse things too much. They are just babies and they do weird things and have no manual.

Oh and of course the tiredness- I am always always tired and have just accepted that I will always be now.

The best parts of being a mother: There are a million things, I can't really put this into words. At the moment probably the fact that Dougie makes me laugh about every ten minutes! He is like a little best mate to hang out with and have chats with (usually about nonsense). 

When they tell you they love you, when they do something to make you so incredibly proud, when they wake you up at a reasonable time in the morning (not 5am!) by coming to the side of your bed and stroking your face. I think having a reason to be rather than just being you is the best thing.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Without a doubt. I thought I knew who I was and I think I really have only discovered this since having Doug. Sometimes you have to change too for the good of your child. There were things I looked at in myself that I wanted to change in order to make life better for him. For example learning to be braver, as I want him to experience things in life and not be scared of stuff!

Hopes for your family: Just health and happiness. We are so excited to meet the new baby in October. We don't mind what this next baby is (Dougie is adamant it is a boy called Donald though?) and we won't find out as we both like a surprise.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: 

Be kind to yourself. 

I wasn't last time and hope I will be this time! And you really do know best - it takes time to realise that, but you do. Instinct is an amazing thing.

Nicola makes wedding accessories which can be found here:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/nicolawellard 

http://www.silver-sixpence-in-her-shoe.co.uk/
http://silversixpenceinhershoe-nicola.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/#!/Silversixpence1
http://www.facebook.com/pages/silver-sixpence-in-her-shoe/243610077016

Frances and Mia

Name: Frances 

Child: Mia, 18 months 

Location: Wythenshawe, Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I thought it would be easy!

I’d always wanted a baby, and when I fell pregnant I was so excited, but at the same time really scared. I was 16 and still living with my mum, with no place of my own and no financial security. I did think it would be fairly straight forward though because my sisters all have lots of kids, so I’m used to being surrounded by children.

When I was pregnant I didn’t know whether she was a boy or girl, so by the end I was couldn’t wait to find out what I was having. My sister came along to the scans and although I hadn’t wanted to know the sex, my sister tried to get the sonographer to tell her the sex of the baby secretly. He did look but he couldn’t see because Mia had her legs crossed.

During my whole pregnancy my mum was really ill and I was her main support - my brother lived with us, but he was rarely in. Then she ended up being taken to hospital and I ended up having to travel from Moss Side to Wythenshawe hospital regularly to visit her. Money was tight because as a pregnant 16 year old I was not eligible for any financial help. I was having to steal lifts where I could to go and see her, and grabs little bits of money off her for food, etc when I could. She had lots of animals so would always give me cash to feed them.

Reality of motherhood: Not easy at all.

I loved the birth. The second I went into labour I was so excited. It was amazing - I was going to find out whether I was having a boy or girl! I was in labour for 24 hrs, and it did hurt, but it was fine really. I think the pain was exaggerated by the fact that it was my first baby and I didn’t really know what to expect. At the end I was knackered but I can’t wait to do it again - I loved it! 



Despite loving the whole pregnancy and the labour, I’ve found raising Mia really hard. I love her to bits, but being a mum is so exhausting. Recently Hassan and I have thought about trying again for another baby, but then we decided that Mia wasn’t quite old enough. I had to be realistic about the amount of effort involved and the fact that I actually don’t get any time to myself. She still needs so much of my attention - I think another baby right now would be too much.

Mia is a really good girl though and she sleeps really well. I had to wake her up this morning; she slept through till 12pm! I find routine really important for both of us - every night it’s bath, bed and bottle for 7pm so that I can watch the soaps. I feel like I need ‘mummy time’. Sometimes you have to be strict because otherwise they can walk all over you, but there are times when I’ll ease off and let her come and join me in the evenings for a cuddle if she wakes up.

Taking her home: It was scary taking her home. She was born on her due date and when she came out she seemed so tiny and fragile. In the hospital they’d shown me how to bath her and had taught me about breastfeeding - I was totally prepared - but being left on my own was quite daunting. 



At first I stayed at my mums and remember spending a week sleeping on the sofa with Mia in a moses basket next to me. I was so tired that I didn’t even bother going upstairs to my bedroom other than to get nappies or clothes. Mia was pretty good early on and behaved how you’d expect a newborn to - waking and feeding pretty regularly - but I remember finding breastfeeding so exhausting. Hassan helped me out so much and would take her off me in the nights during those first few weeks. He was, and still is, really good with her.

I was offered a place to live when I was pregnant, but wasn’t allowed to move in till after she was born. A week after she arrived, I moved into my own place. It felt good to have my own tenancy with my own name on the contract. It did feel strange though. I’d been used to cleaning the house and cooking for lots of people - for my mum, my brother and his friends while my mum had been poorly - but this place was just for me and Mia and it was new to me to be doing it all on my own.

Best and worst advice: Since finding out I was pregnant with Mia I have always had the same health visitor, she’s from the ‘Family nurse partnership’. The Family Nurse Partnership help with young first time mums and you get assigned one of their health visitors when you’re pregnant. They visit you till the baby is 2. She’s helped me get a grant for college equipment, she’s helped me make appointments and has been there to push certain people when they need a little nudge. She’s always there with help and advice.

I was also given a social worker when I was pregnant - I was given me the impression it was something that they do for all young mums, but later I discovered it was because they felt that my mums parenting might be reflected in mine. I had been given a social worker as child because of reports of neglect. I wanted to show them that I would be a good mum though. I took all the support I was offered to prove I was committed to being a mum.

My social worker did help me with financial support - I had to ask for the help, but I was entitled to money. It was weird that they didn’t make it apparent to me despite knowing I was struggling with money. It was only when the health visitor said, “Ask your social worker for the money - it is available,” that I knew to ask for help there. I didn’t understand the benefits system at all because I was 16 - it’s all so complicated.

Some of the (government) support I’ve received has really helped, but I didn’t need it all. They didn’t trust that I could ask for help myself. They didn’t believe that I’d be responsible, so that’s the reason why they gave me supported housing. To prove them wrong I just make sure that I use every bit of support to my advantage - if it’s there it’s definitely worth using.

Regarding good advice, my sisters have been really helpful. They all have 4/5 kids each and when I was buying stuff they’d warn me about the things I shouldn’t bother buying, like changing tables. I ignored them and bought one anyway, and well, they were right - it’s hardly ever been used. My family really do leave the parenting to me though and they trust that I know what I’m doing.

Hardest parts of being a mother: When she’s poorly. When she’s ill it’s really hard work because her sleep is so disturbed. And the times when she’s fed, bathed and clean, but she’s still crying. I think, “I can’t give you any more!” It’s so hard to know what’s wrong sometimes. 

I don’t get much time on my own either. It’s only recently that I’ve started to get any time to myself. In those early months I didn’t put make up on or do my hair. I never had time to look after myself, but that was quite unlike me. It’s been nice to spend a bit more time on the way I look now she’s a bit older and less demanding.

Losing my mum has been hard too. She’d always been in a wheelchair, so she’d never seen my place - it’s a shame. She did get to see Mia lots when when I took her over though. It was in November that she died, just before my 18th birthday. She’d promised she’d buy the drink for me to have a party, but died just before and she didn’t get chance to celebrate with me. I’m the youngest of her kids; her baby. To remember her, on my birthday I went to go see her and shared a drink with her on the grave so that I could mark my birthday with her. I still don’t think I’ve come to terms with it though.

We do have family support though from all of my sisters, and Hassan’s mum lives nearby. I’d known a few of his brothers and sisters before I was pregnant, but I only really met his mum when I’d had Mia. We do get on really well though and Mia goes over to stay now and again.

The best parts of being a mother: Little things that they do. The milestones too, like walking, her first birthday, saying, “mama” and getting her first tooth. You think, “Wow. This is what it’s all about.” It has been amazing to just watch her turn into a proper person.

Has being a mother changed you: I’ve learnt a lot. I’m still the same person, but I’ve had so many new experiences. I look back at the younger me, and back then I thought I knew it all. Now I’ve experienced motherhood I feel a lot wiser. You have to adapt and learn - find your own ways. I imagine that once you’ve learnt how to be a mum it it’s like riding a bike.

Hopes for your family: Eventually I’d like to have 4 children - 3 more after Mia. That will be my family. I’m from a big big family, so I love being surrounded by kids.

Career-wise I want to own a big health spa. I’m very ambitious. I’ve started my beauty therapy course - currently doing level 1, and then hope to carry on the level 2, 3, and then want I want to do Holistic therapy after that.

I’ve planned it all out, but in the end I want to own a house and move out to France.

Also, I’ve looked into surrogacy because I enjoyed the pregnancy and labour so much. I think I’d love it. Right now I can’t do it because I’d have to stop smoking and I don’t think I’d succeed in quitting right now, but I’d love to give someone a gift like that one day.

Advice to new and expectant mums: Do what you feel is right and don’t be scared by what other people say. Everyone has different experiences of pregnancy, child birth and motherhood. 

To mums in my situation, well, good luck! It’s been hard. I would say, push yourself and never give up. If you want to do something and it goes wrong, don’t give up, try again the next day, and if that doesn’t work try the day after. Wake up everyday thinking, ‘Today’s the day‘. There is nothing that a young mum can’t do that an older mum can.


Frances and Mia featured in photographer Len Grant's award winning blog http://herfirstyear.co.uk - a wonderful piece of work and well worth a read.  

Liz and August

Name: Liz

Child: August, 8 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood:
I knew it would be tough, but to be honest I couldn't actually picture myself as a mother so it all seemed a bit delusional. I tried not to think about it too much and just hoped a healthy baby would appear at the end.

Reality of Motherhood:
The first 6 weeks............... horrific! I could not believe nobody had pulled me to one side and warned me about this while I was pregnant.

Obviously the sleep deprivation is a killer, but absolutely nothing prepares you for this. You would never be put in a situation (unless as a form of torture) where you are woken every 2 hours. It was around week 2 that I realised I would not be having more than a 3 hour block of sleep for quite a while! This would be bad enough on its own, but add to it a bruised and battered body, plus learning to breast feed and its even worse!

Now 8 months in...... motherhood is still exhausting but so much fun! 

I feel so privileged to spend everyday with August.

Taking your child home for the first time:
After spending three days in a shared room with 4 other women (one of whom was in labour!) with August screaming the place down and demanding a feed every 30 minutes I was ready to get the hell home! My partner and dad picked us up and it felt like a getaway car. We shoved all my stuff into a bag, grabbed the baby and fled! I was sure they'd made a mistake and if we weren't quick enough they would change their minds and be after us.

As soon as we got home I started cleaning.....I went into hospital on the Monday morning and didn't get home til the Thursday evening, so nothing was how I left it. Two grown men had been living at home while I was away so let's just say standards had slipped a bit!

The best/worst advice:
The worst advice was from a breast feeding counsellor who said, 'if it hurts your doing it wrong'. I did everything I was supposed to but it still hurt. A lot! 

I stuck with it and after about a month things fell in to place. I think August and I were just getting used to something that was new to both of us.

The hardest parts of being a mother:
No matter how much help you have or are promised, in reality it all comes down to you. I think it was around the third month I suddenly realised, 'Oh my god I am the one who has to do everything!'

The best parts of being a mother:
The bond I have with August right now. 

I know as she gets older this will be split more equally between her father and I, but while she is still a baby and so dependant on me I'm enjoying the rewards of being the apple of her eye!

Has becoming a mother changed you?
In some ways yes but these could be temporary as it's still the first year. She is my number one and it can be hard to concentrate on much else. The idea of going back to work at some point scares the hell out of me and I'm lucky that I can take my time a bit. I do look back on things I used to worry about and think, 'WOW, you had way too much time to think about things!'

Hopes for your family:
I just want to raise a happy, healthy, and confident little girl and hope that I can be there as much as possible for her.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?In the first few weeks only surround yourself with people who will be 100% supportive of you. You will most probably be exhausted, depressed, highly strung and extremely emotional, so anyone judgemental need not apply!

Emily and Leo

Name: Emily

Child: Leo, 6

Location: Manchester


Expectations of motherhood: 

Low. I was a student and single and skint and it was a complete shock. I wasn’t keen on babies and didn’t know much about them, apart from the usual screaming, smelly stereotypes. I’d known the father for a while, but we weren’t together and he wanted nothing to do with it. I was absolutely mortified. 

I was and still am pro-choice, but when I was faced with that decision myself, I found I couldn't have an abortion. I spent eight months feeling very scared and angry. Had I known how things were going to turn out, I would have been quite excited, but at the time it all seemed pretty bleak. People kept telling me the baby would be the best thing that ever happened to me, but I thought they were just being kind. I went through a lot during my pregnancy; working long hours, having to fight to save my job, saying goodbye to the people and lifestyle I loved. Despite the weirdness of the situation, through all that, I did begin to feel like my baby and I were a team. I spoke to him when he moved and he became more real to me when I found out he was a boy at 20 weeks. But I couldn’t really see very far past the horror of giving birth, which terrified me. Beyond that, I knew I was signing up to a life very different to anything I’d ever imagined and just hoped it would all work out. 

Reality of Motherhood: 

Overall, a pleasant surprise... 

The birth was atrocious, but that’s what I expected. There was no earth mother idyll for me; I knew it was going to hurt and I knew I wanted every drug I could get. My predictions came true: thirty-odd hours of back-to-back labour, loads of gas and air, two shots of pethidine, an epidural that I had to beg (scream) for, followed by an emergency Caesarean (it turned out after all that, he wasn’t even engaged and never would have come out the conventional way.)

I didn’t get the bolt of love people go on about but I did think my baby looked beautiful – and weirdly familiar. They put him in the crook of my arm in the recovery room and I knew I wanted to protect him no matter what. Happily, one sunny afternoon when things had calmed down a bit, I got the famous rush and it was as good as everyone says. The late nights and bodily fluids take over for a while and you get on with it because you have to.

People say nature makes you forget the pain of labour and I reckon it makes you forget the general chaos of having a small baby too. I sometimes think, ‘it wasn't that bad.' I was very lucky because Leo slept and smiled a lot, but it was hardly a relaxing time. Now, I'll see a bottle of Infacol or get a whiff of a newborn nappy and think ‘Oh God, remember all that...’

I love Leo immensely. I am so pleased that I was miles off the mark when I thought parenthood would be crap. We have great adventures together, he’s endlessly entertaining and loving, friends love spending time with him and that makes me proud. Leo can remedy the worst days with a drawing or a cuddle or a pun. He comes out with wise stuff way beyond his years, but then he’ll still ask me to do a puppet show with his teddies at bedtime. Leo gave me the determination to get stuff done, too: I went back to university and finished my degree, then forged a career. So it is a cliché, but all those people who said he'd be the best thing that ever happened to me weren't wrong. 

I’m not going to say being a single parent is perfect or ideal: it is hard on your own, but because it’s just been us two from day one, it’s all both of us have ever known. I am also incredibly lucky to have a lot of practical and emotional support from friends and family and I am extremely grateful for that. I love being Leo’s mum and I am so happy he came along when he did. 

Taking your child home for the first time: 

I stayed in hospital for a week, overhearing the other women on the ward begging to go home and thinking they were mad. OK, the food was abysmal, but who wouldn't want to be able to buzz the nurses for more morphine or help changing nappies? Then I realised it was because they had partners waiting for them and were actually excited about what lay ahead. 

I’d moved in with Mum in the late stages of my pregnancy. After she’d driven us home (really slowly), I put Leo down in the car seat in the middle of the living room floor. He looked out of place. I stared at him, wondering what the hell I would do with him when he woke. Not long after that, he did and I didn’t get a second to worry about how I’d cope again. 

The Best / Worst Advice:  

On one of those early, blurry days, the crying was relentless. I kept forgetting to eat, my Caesarean wound was hurting, I had greasy hair and I really needed a shower. I remember sitting on the loo sobbing with Leo strapped to me in a sling because I didn't think I could put him down while he was crying. It was exactly how I’d imagined motherhood was going to be and I didn’t like it one bit. 

I rang Mum on her lunch break and wept. She said, “If he has a clean nappy and you know he’s not hungry, just try putting him down and seeing if he'll go to sleep.” I took her advice and a few minutes later, he did. Obviously, if he cried for longer than ten minutes (which he did during the colic stage), I picked him up and comforted him, but nine times out of ten, he was crying because he was overtired and just fell asleep. I do realise this isn’t the case with all babies and apparently it’s quite controversial, but it worked for us. 

Mum and the health visitor meant well when they told me to go to mother and baby groups, but as a young, single parent, they didn’t turn out to be the best environment for me. There’s definitely a silent air of competitiveness in that scene. Who’s the earthiest? Whose baby will get a tooth first? Who will get back into her old jeans first? Who has the fanciest pram? Also, having just had a baby, the last things I wanted to talk about were baby poo, baby clothes, baby wee, baby sleep patterns, baby accessories, babies, babies, babies, hubbies and babies. I found the whole thing more intimidating than supportive, but I realise that was probably because of my circumstances. 

Since babyhood, the best advice I’ve received is just to give your child a lot of love, be as open and honest with them as is age appropriate and praise them loads when they’re good. 

I didn’t read any manuals. Even if you haven’t got a clue, instinct kicks in. They’re humans, so they’re all different. You’ll figure out what works for yours. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: 

For me, breastfeeding. There was this natural thing that was going to give my baby the best start in life and I couldn’t bloody do it. What a start. I didn’t get the skin-to-skin contact I’d requested after the Caesarean and when I put him on my breast in the recovery room, he just ignored it. A few hours later, the ward staff told me he was hungry, he’d have to eat and I should try him with a bottle. I asked them if it would jeopardise my plans to breastfeed and they said it wouldn’t. I was shattered and worried so I agreed and that was a big mistake. Bottles give babies milk instantly, but they have to work for a bit to get it from the breast. After that first bottle, he would pull away from the breast screaming because no milk came out straight away. He just wouldn’t do it. Breasts only produce milk when they’re stimulated, so I was running low on supplies and in a bit of a Catch 22. Instead of resting when Leo slept, I tortured myself with the breast pump. They’re vicious machines; growling and dragging your nipple unfeasibly far down a clear plastic tube. I’d be plugged into the mains for an hour, exhausted, all for a pathetic trickle. I never quite mastered it and ended up doing half-and-half. I got daggers at the mother and baby groups when I took out a bottle and felt guilty, but I’d been through a heck of a lot and I know I did my best, so I wish I’d have gone easier on myself. 

God, the loneliness gets you in the evenings when you’re on your own. You want someone to summarise the day with, talk about your child’s achievements, put the bins out, muck in with the washing up, maybe pour you a glass of wine and give you a massage (or whatever it is partners do.) I’ve learnt that the best thing to do is to go to bed and wake up in the morning to the best company, even if he does think my bed is a bouncy castle. 



 Nits are a horrible business. Big decisions are tricky, as is the anxiety.

Being the sole wage earner is a lot of pressure. Nursery lulls you into a false sense of security with its long opening hours. When they start school, you’ve got 13 weeks a year of holidays, 3pm finishes, assemblies, plays, inset days, sports days and massive guilt to contend with. But you know, it might be trite but all of it is worth it.

 The best parts of being a mother:

There’s a lot of ephemeral pain, theories, processes and paraphernalia involved in having a baby. It can be chaotic and slightly traumatic, even if it all goes well. When all that’s over and you’ve chucked out the last nappy sack and the safety gates and the buggy, it’s just you, a really interesting person and their toys. That’s when things start to get exciting. I didn’t dislike having a baby, but I loved the magic of Leo learning to talk, draw and trying to understand the world. Other notable good parts include: smiles (especially the first one when all you've been getting before that are dirty looks), contagious chuckles, massive fat thighs (theirs not yours), general pride, getting back into stuff you'd forgotten like metamorphosis, swings, space, dinosaurs, trick-or-treating, wobbly teeth and Father Christmas. Also bedtime stories, colouring in, nonsensical chats and crap jokes, copious hugs, bonkers drawings, endearingly misspelt cards and cute mispronunciations.  (“Please may I have something from the offending machine?”) Finally, feeling a part of a bold team and having loads of regular laughs. A rubbish day is quickly picked up when I go to collect Leo from after school club. I can be walking along a grotty street getting battered by the wind and rain, but if I’m holding his hand and listening to him telling me about his day, it’s a joyous stroll.

Hopes for your family:

Everyone says it but all you want is for them to be happy. I hope Leo will always be as confident as he is right now and that the teenage years will pass without too much drama. Before he grows up and buggers off, I hope I can afford to buy us a house. If it had a garden, a trampoline and maybe even a treehouse, that would be perfect. I'd also like to go on a magnificent adventure with Leo somewhere far, far away but I think that might be pushing it a bit.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums:  

Pessimism pays! If your pregnancy is unplanned and you think that having a baby is going to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to you, you might be in for a pleasant surprise.

 Don't bother with a birth plan – you're only setting yourself up for disappointment. It is going to hurt and if it’s your first one, it’s probably going to take ages. Gas and air is good stuff.

If you really want to breastfeed, insist on skin-to-skin contact as soon as possible after the birth. Don't be tempted to give your baby a bottle in the first few days, even if you’re off your face on morphine and you’re told it’s hungry. Your real milk doesn’t even turn up until day four or five and until then, nature makes sure colostrum does the job. If you are knackered and in pain and you’ve reached the end of your tether and you do end up giving them a bottle, don’t beat yourself up about it.

 Talk to your baby from an early age – they take in more than you realise and will shock you with what they pick up.

Don’t buy CDs of kids singing nursery rhymes (unless you want to send yourself under.) Listen to whatever music you’ve always listened to and they’ll grow up loving it (or at least having an opinion on it.)



A Nitty Gritty nit comb, tea tree oil, gallons of conditioner and lashings of patience will serve you well when the head lice move in.

 Make videos: that funny squeaky noise they make when they come out, the dance they do when they’re eighteen months old – they’re all just phases.

Read to your child every evening, unless you’ve had a long day out and it’s a late night, or you’re in a tent with a wind-up torch.

If you’re on your own, Gingerbread (http://www.gingerbread.org.uk) offer brilliant advice and support. Also, I’d have been lost without my Homestart volunteer (http://www.home-start.org.uk) and the wonderful SureStart Centre and services (which have very sadly been drastically cut by the Government, but do still exist in some areas)

(https://www.gov.uk/find-sure-start-childrens-centre.) Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Babyhood is surreal and chaotic, but it passes and calms. Your child keeps you focussed, amused and strong. Always.

Don't forget your non-parent friends. Don’t forget yourself.

And tell your child just how much you love them, every single day.

Nicola, Benjamin and Erin

Name: Nicola 

Children: Benjamin (3) and Erin (4 months)

Location: Chorlton

Expectations of Motherhood: Honestly, I didn’t think it would be anywhere near as hard as it is. I'm a lawyer, and pre-pregnancy I worked long hours and managed a team of other Lawyers and paralegals so I was used to stress, pressure of time, trying to divide my time between lots of other people and having to respond quickly to the demands of my seniors, which often included the judiciary. I honestly thought raising children would be easier than work. I had planned to re-learn the piano, brush up on my French and even go camper vanning around New Zealand’s north island with the baby. (I cringe when I think about how naive I was). How wrong I was. 

Reality of Motherhood: Raising children is the hardest job I have ever done in my life. I am sleep deprived, I am tetchy, I am emotional, I am a control freak (who knew!), I am probably a borderline alcoholic and I am not a very good wife. There are never enough hours in the day, I have stopped having hobbies, I have stopped caring so much about my appearance, I eat far too many biscuits, I am constantly washing, folding or putting away clothes (note the omission of the word “ironing”), the dog is neglected, dinners are often frozen and at times I actually feel like a prisoner in my own home. But by God am I blessed. When Benjamin hugs me and tells me I am his best friend, or when Erin looks up and smiles at me while I am feeding her (excluding the middle of the night feeds I suppose) I feel enormously grateful and lucky to have two little people in my life who will always call me Mum. I adore watching them grow and learn and they surprise me every day with things I didn’t know they could do. Hearing Benjamin say “excuse me please” to another little person at a playgroup the other day filled me with pride. Watching Erin suck her thumb fills me with awe that she’s learnt to do it all by herself. Playing in puddles, making a mess with paint, chasing and trying to catch falling leaves, the smell of a newborn baby’s head, watching them bond with each other, dancing in the living room, encouraging, praising, teaching, learning, tickling, giggling........ the list of pros goes on and on and is much much longer than the list of cons. Yes its hard, but raising children is the most rewarding job I’ve ever had the privilege to do. 

As for “work” - I returned to work when Benjamin was 11 months old and it was a doddle. I got to drink a cup of tea before it went cold, I got to go to the toilet with the door closed, I got a lunch “break” and I got to have adult conversations. And my armour was stronger – it didn’t really matter if I had a bad day in the office or if I got shouted at by a Judge at the Crown Court, because I knew that at the end of the day I would return to my "family” and they would make it all ok. Beside, being shouted at by a Judge is infinitely easier to take than a toddler tantrum because I’ve turned Cbeebies off!! 

 And as for New Zealand – its not going anywhere – what’s the rush! 

Taking your children home for the first time: Taking our children home were wonderful days for us. All the neighbours came out to see them, Mum and Dad were here and had cooked us a lovely meal. There were balloons, banners and lots of cards on display and I felt very very special. With Erin, she slotted straight in to family life. The dog didn’t seem too impressed that we’d gone and got another one though!

The best/worst advice: The best advice I got was from my mum and she simply said this “mother knows best”. I honestly believe that mothers intuition is a powerful tool. The best advice I could give is to take any advice with a pinch of salt!!!

As for bad advice – I don’t make room for it in my memory bank!

The hardest parts of being a mother: The guilt – and constantly worrying that something I have done or said in the past could have a negative influence on them.

The best parts of being a mother: That I can walk around in leggings all day.

Has motherhood changed you?: I haven’t changed – I’ve evolved.

Hopes for your (growing) family: We haven’t yet decided if we are to be a family of four or a family of five (six if you include the dog!) but however big the brood, I simply wish for happiness. The rest will follow.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: A lot of people told me to expect the sudden rush of love when I held my newborn baby in my arms. That was helpful advice to an extent because it numbed the anxiety of actually giving birth, but the reality was that when Benjamin finally made an appearance, I was so tired (physically and emotionally) that I just wanted to sleep. 

I remember not being that bothered that I didn’t have skin to skin contact with him (how bad is that??) and was glad that Tris was there to hold him and start that father/son bond whilst I was being repaired! That night however when it was just me and Benjamin behind our little curtain on the hospital ward, and the drugs had worn off, I could see just how helpless this little creature was and had an overwhelming need to love and care for him. I picked him up out of his little bucket and held him and my life changed forever. So my advice really is that what’s good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander. Everyone is different and everyone will have a different experience of childbirth and beyond.

Be true to yourself. Embrace the journey. Your child is their own person – baby expert books cannot change that. Acceptance. Strength. Love. Oh, and never break a promise to your child.

Louise, Belle and Isaac

 

Name: Louise

Children: Belle, 7 Isaac, 5

Expectations of motherhood: I didn’t really have any expectations. I’m very much an instinctive person and just knew that millions of women all round the world coped and therefore so would I. As I have always been a shift worker with years of nights, I also didn’t worry about the sleep deprivation. My thoughts were, ‘I can do that…easy’ – how naive of me!!

The one thing I had decided was that in no way would I be a single mum. I’d experienced the trauma of my own parents’ separation and witnessed some of my close friends struggle with the lack of money, the stress and no support. 

No, I decided that I would only ever have children within a secure family environment…umm.

For me there was never a burning desire to have kids. Just before I met my husband I'd resigned myself to the likelihood that it wouldn’t happen, since I was already well into my thirties and I figured it would take at least three years to know if a relationship would be worthy of creating a family. I’d also witnessed work colleagues go through the IVF process and the thought of having to go to that extreme wasn’t for me. So I guess at that stage in my life I thought it would be ok if it happened, and okay if it didn’t, which probably helped because once the decision to get pregnant was made it happened almost straight away.

Reality of motherhood: After the excitement of being pregnant, planning for the nursery and the absolute joy of creating a miracle you soon land to earth with a bump. It wasn’t until I started writing this blog did I realised that I was probably depressed at that point and it’s been painful to realise it.

After delivering my first child Belle, I recall very soon afterwards being suddenly alone in the hospital side room with her. My husband had left after the birth and I was attempting to shower to the sound of her crying. It was really weird and I wasn’t sure how I felt. I knew this baby needed me but I didn’t have this overwhelming sudden bond with her that I’d expected. I was blown away with the fact that I'd produced a miracle from my body, but slightly detached from it all.

Looking back maybe I was just too tired from the long labour, and in shock, but luckily soon after I started to bond with her. I was very fortunate that I was able to breast feed both children and soon relished those special moments - moments that only I shared with my baby, that rush of love and the hormones cleverly devised by mother nature. When all the visitors got too much, we’d run off and hide for a feed. These are some of my most precious memories.

Very rapidly you are hit with the torture of sleep deprivation, the inability to eat a meal, leave the house, take a bath or even go the loo. I remember opening the door to some relatives when Belle was 2 weeks old and noting how shocked their faces were at how tired and awful I looked. I felt like a ghost in some surreal state of mind. 

 The day to day drudgery of constant cooking and washing always got me down. I felt like I was running a café at some points. I’d just finish clearing up from one meal then it was time to start preparing for the next, yep the first year is hard. Both times it took me about 8 months to actually feel physically and emotionally like the person I was before - only now I'm me with kids. I remember feeling very isolated after my first child.

Even though our first child was easy to conceive, once we decided to extend our family we had the tragic experience of two consecutive miscarriages. It was such an emotional rollercoaster. I remember vividly the sonographers face when she recognised there was no heartbeat. It was all like a dream, being taken into a quiet room and waiting for the inevitable news. I was just in disbelief. It happened again two months later. I will never forget those times and often feel heart wrenched when I think how old they would have been now, what they’d have looked like. I imagine two hybrids of Belle and Isaacs’ faces.

Eventually my son was born and the world seemed all good. We were the happy family I’d dreamt of. The sleepless nights were still hard but being a second time mum I knew the overwhelming love and bonding that developed was worth it and truly amazing. I was more confident knowing the hard times would settle down. I have always been a really passionate believer in breast feeding and I was adamant that I would succeed. I even expressed milk at work despite my manager and colleagues thinking I was mad, so yes I pushed the boundaries. Maybe I’m looking for an excuse, but just before my sons second birthday my husband left me and the children.

Suddenly I was a working single mum with 2 children under the age of 4. To quote my daughter. OMG!!! 

How I coped is beyond me as I have quite a large chunk of memory loss of that time, but I did cope because - as they say - you have to. I just went through the motions I guess and kept focusing on being a good mum, I didn’t want the children to be affected by what had happened.

So three years down the line I’m proud to say that I’m still that working mum but to a 5 and 7 year old who make my life fabulous. Don’t get me wrong, they can be bickering naughty little monkeys a lot of the time, but the rest is awesome. My life is very hard, stressful and challenging but the rewards are immeasurable. 

The relationship all three of us enjoy is amazing and we are such a tight unit that work as a team. I thought I’d lost my purse recently and the usual dramas of putting their shoes on were suddenly replaced with speedy concern: 'Hurry up quick we need to help Mummy. Look she is worried!’ I found my purse but it was almost worth losing it to have witnessed that support from them when I need it. They are constantly amazing me with challenging questions such as, ‘how do I know if I’m awake or dreaming? I love it! They keep you on your toes. 

Then there is the love, such tender expressions of love. To have the moments we share as ‘The Maleks’, all the heartbreak, stress, trauma and worries are worth just a tiny fraction of what I get back, the tight cuddles and gentle kisses.

When you witness that look of fear when they think they have lost you in the playground, to know you can comfort them or reassure them they are safe after a bad dream. We spend about 80 per cent of our time together and even though it is such hard work I miss them desperately when they aren’t with me. I ring them every day just to hear their voices and say ‘love you’ to each other.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was in hospital for 5 days after Belle so I was climbing the walls to get out, although I don’t know why because I came home to a kitchen full of dirty pots and I just cried. I suppose it was the baby blues.

It felt really strange leaving the safety of the hospital and suddenly having the mechanics of a baby seat to understand. I was outside the main entrance waiting for the car and I felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me as to whether I’d be able to cope. The ride home felt like the most dangerous car journey ever and I couldn’t wait to get out. I also recall being really worried about the blazing sun and having visions of it causing laser type burns to Belles skin if it came into contact for even one second. The word neurotic springs to mind. The second time home was a walk in the park in comparison; I just got on with it without a second thought.

The best advice: Enjoy your baby and sleep when they sleep. Forget making cups of tea for everyone and tidying up, just get back in bed. You have no idea about how hard the sleep deprivation is, it is torture and unimaginable.

Forget all those plans you made when you were pregnant about ladies who lunch or meet for coffee, just fall in line with baby and go with the flow. I was advised that new born babies are still in shock and traumatised from being born - I certainly felt traumatised for quite a while despite having had a normal delivery, so that is probably right. Give your baby time to get over being born before you try and implement any kind of routine. Just try and get to know each other first. Relish the skin on skin, enjoy bonding with your baby.

Everyone tries to give you advice, but basically all mums and babies are different. Grab what information you think will be useful and just smile and ignore the rest.

Worst advice: I bought the Gina Ford book. Don’t even wedge a door open with it .Don’t take any advice that is prescriptive.

The hardest part of being a mother: This has to be feeling your children’s pain both emotionally and physically. Your instinct to protect them is so strong it is overwhelming. I knew quite rapidly that I would die for my children if it was necessary. 

The other big issue I have is guilt. It’s hard to be the best all the time as its 24/7 job. I have the guilt of being the bad cop, the guilt of working, the guilt of being a single mum - it does get too much sometimes. You feel guilty for wanting a break, just to get away and if you are lucky enough to get one you are then suddenly thinking, ‘How will they cope? What if this and what if that…’ My children are usually oblivious to all of this however and how rational I am will depend on how tired I am. 

 It’s also very hard to carry that weight of responsibility, especially being a single mum. To picture those innocent faces that rely on you for their security. This thought can keep me awake at night quite often. 

Finally the other worst part is lack of time. I feel like I do a rush job of everything and then the guilt comes back, it’s a vicious cycle. I certainly don’t have enough time for me. 

The best parts of being a mother: LOVE, LOVE and LOVE. It is so complete and unconditional from them both. When I’m feeling down or stressed all I need is a ‘mummy cuddle’ from both of them. To nuzzle and smell them or even to smell their clothes, it just soothes all my troubles away.

I love to hear their laughter and the imaginative games they play. I will often stop what I’m doing and secretly spy on them as it is so rewarding to see and hear. I’m so proud of how they are developing and achieving. They are normal kids but they are my kids and to witness the joy in their faces as they have mastered some new skill is awesome.

Hopes for your family: My hopes are for the basics. That they are healthy, feel loved, secure and happy. I don’t own my children but I just want them to have a chance to be the best at what they want to do. To support them in any way I can and hopefully have a loving respectful relationship. Once they are grown up – I hope that I’m not a boring chore to them. I hope that even though our lives will change we can have a close, loving bond and long-lasting friendship.


What advice would you offer for new and expectant mums: Sleep sleep and sleep. Cut yourself loads of slack. Forget the idyllic life of clean, happy baby and yummy mummy attending coffee mornings and various baby groups. Sod the house and comparing baby milestones. Some mums thrive on that but if it’s not you then seek someone similar. I needed someone to laugh at my sad stories and not pull a face when I ordered a large glass of wine at 12pm on a lunch date whilst baby was throwing the table decoration on the floor!! You still need to be who you are and have a life (albeit in hourly snatches once a week).