Sally, Faith and Ethan

Name: Sally

Children: Faith, 4 years 

and Ethan, 9 weeks

Location: Salford 

Expectations of Motherhood: I've worked with children for my entire adult life so I felt pretty confident about having a baby, I knew all the practicalities and thought that the emotions would come easily. Having a baby was also in no way going to change my life at all, the baby would have to come along to whatever I was doing and everything would be beautiful. 

Faith was so wanted so I was really ready to be a mum and just couldn't wait to get on with it.

Reality of Motherhood: Oh where to start! You know after the Duchess of Cambridge appeared outside the hospital hours after giving birth, looking amazing and smiley and perfect? It's nothing like that. Motherhood is fraught and scary and demanding. Don't get me wrong, it's the most amazing thing you'll ever do, but it takes you to unknown places and in ways you can only imagine. For me I had times, when Faith was a baby, of forgetting who I was. Everything was about her and making sure she was constantly happy and not crying, it was exhausting, it still is on occasion, but now I have a better balance.

Around three months after Faith was born I think post-natal depression kicked in. This wasn't part of my plan. I wasn't going to get this because I worked with children, I knew what I was doing, so I denied it. 

I lived, probably for the best part of 18 months, with an intense sense of doom, I KNEW something would happen to my child, it was always there, like I couldn't give anyone the normal version of me because I constantly felt that I lived in a tin can of despair. I also felt that the sleepless nights and the intensity of our relationship would never improve! I remember an aunt saying that her son didn't sleep through until he was 18 months and I felt devastated that it could take this long (as it happens Faith took three years to sleep through in the end!). I never spoke about this and I never had any help. So when Ethan came along I thought I'd end up down the same path, but so far so good. 

Having a four year gap is like starting again though, I'd forgotten so much in that time, fortunately (or unfortunately maybe) it doesn't take long to remember! 

Second time around and Ethan really has had to fit into family life. It helps that he's a really chilled little boy, whilst not as demanding as Faith, the sleepless nights are still no prettier!

You find yourself wishing your baby's life away, I really did with Faith and I couldn't wait for the next milestone, but with Ethan I don't feel like that. I'm enjoying him being a baby and I'm fairly sure the lack of sleep wont last forever. He's my last baby and I want to savour him.

Taking your children home for the first time: I planned a home birth with both of my children so never intended to 'go home' with either. However, neither home birth was meant to be and I was induced in hospital with both. 

I remember getting home with Faith, putting her in a Moses basket and thinking 'what am I meant to do with her?'. It felt crazy that someone had allowed me to be in charge of such a tiny thing.

With Ethan it was completely different. My first thought was, 'Have we got something in for Faith's tea?' and 'Can I have a snooze before she gets home'!
Bringing Ethan home was like completing a circle; our family is complete and he is the final piece, so it felt less overwhelming and more celebratory.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I had was no advice. Despite reading all the books and my years of experience with children, there were so many times when I felt completely clueless. I'd cry on the phone to my mum about what I should do, and she never advised me, she'd ask what I wanted to do and told me to do it. You already have a gut feeling about what you think is best and I think going with that feeling is the best advice anyone can give.

The hardest parts of being a mother: When I was 27 weeks pregnant with Ethan, my own mother passed away. She'd been diagnosed with Lymphoma for about a year and we knew it wasn't going to end well, but nobody expected it to happen at that time. Since then it's been a rough road, there have been ups and downs and I am so very sad that she never got to meet Ethan. She was the only person to say he'd be a boy because she'd had a dream about him and I take comfort from this, it's like she had a sense of him before he came. 

It's hard not having my mum here to share both Faith and Ethan's every achievement with, I still think how I must text her about something that one of them has done and then remember that I can't, so it's like an ongoing grieving cycle. Faith also had a close relationship with her so dealing with her grief has been, at times, difficult. She asked one day if Mamar (from not being able to say Grandma) had a mobile phone with the angels because she wanted to tell her that she loved her.
My mum was the type of mum I aspire to be, she was gentle, loving and strong and I hope that I will be the same.

The best parts of being a mother: Producing two amazing little people is pretty awesome! Getting to know them both, learning things about them and things about me is a lifelong journey I look forward to treading.
I cherish so many moments, from the way only I can soothe Faith after a scraped knee to the little 'in' jokes we have and how we're introducing Ethan to the ways of our family. It's no bed of roses at all, but like everything in life, you have to take the rough with the smooth.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Without a doubt! Sometimes I look at my life now and it's unrecognisable. I never thought I'd embrace family life but I have and I wouldn't change any aspect of that. I like spending time with my children, I used to look forward to getting drunk at weekends, now I'm looking forward to going to see Disney on Ice! This isn't to say my life revolves around them, I'd still snap the hand off a babysitter and I still like a night out, it's just that they're rarer treats nowadays. 

I think Children are a great gift but they change everything you know about life as you know it; it's a celebration and a mourning all at the same time. You have to pick yourself up and put yourself back together in some ways, there's still everything there that makes you you, it's just that you're in a different order to before. 

Hopes for your family: My mum always said that being happy was one of the most important things in life and I stand by this. I don't care what they do or who they are I just want them to be happy. Life is far too short not to be.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Basically, go with the flow, don't sweat it and it won't always be like that. It's hard to see a way out during the difficult times but one day you'll look back and laugh (or maybe cry!).

Becky, Leila and Asher

Name: Becky

Children: Leila, 3 and Asher, 9 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: When I was pregnant with Leila, I had only the vaguest of expectations, as motherhood was such alien territory. None of my friends had children at that point, so I had no 'blueprint' of what to do/not do or how it would be. I did expect to love my baby intensely and for her to bring huge joy to my life. I adored being pregnant - it was a dreamy, indulgent time and I loved my bump. But towards the end I started to worry that I wouldn't love the baby after all, and I had deep, secret fears about whether I would be a good mother - not of the 'what if my organic purees are not quite the right consistency for baby's delicate digestion?' variety; more like, 'what if I am capital B Bad, like shouldn't have children at all Bad'. These fears haunted me through the last weeks of pregnancy, as I waddled to my due date and beyond, virtually housebound by the big freeze that took hold that winter.

Reality of Motherhood: Thank goodness, when she arrived Leila swept away my fears in an instant. I will always be grateful to her for that. The moment she appeared, pink and bendy and cross, my first words were gasped with amazement and relief: 'oh I DO love you, I do love you, I love you'. She totally delivered on the intense love/huge joy front. However, those first weeks were a massive shock. Not in the sense that I wasn't expecting it to be hard work - veteran parents are determined during your first pregnancy to drum into you that It Will Be Hard. But the reality of round-the-clock breastfeeding (three hours from the start of the first feed to the start of the next- the START! And the feed takes 90 minutes!), the grizzly newborn nights, and the mystery of what could possibly be wrong with the baby when she cried, proved to be very tough. More than that, the sheer weight of emotion I felt knocked me sideways and upside down. I remember one evening, listening to a CD of gentle 'baby music' a friend had made, holding Leila in front of me and just bawling onto her fat sleeping face.

When Asher came along almost three years later, the newborn phase felt like a breeze by comparison. The culture shock had already taken place, I suppose. This was charted territory now. I just revelled in his newborn squishiness and crazy ways. I wished I could go back and experience the first time again, with the hindsight of the second time, the knowledge that the madness will not last forever, and also, woman: nothing will happen to the baby if you leave it sleeping in the basket in the corner while you have a nap, drink a cup of tea or go to the loo.

Taking your children home for the first time: My labour with Leila was long, slow and slightly complicated, in the way it seems many first labours are: I was induced, had to have a syntocin drip to speed things up, lost some blood and went to theatre because of a retained placenta. I stayed in hospital for a couple of nights. By the time we were able to take her home, I felt, physically and emotionally, like I'd been hit by a train. We did the typical anxious, slow drive home, all the while feeling like we were bound to be pulled over by the Baby Police, as clearly we were not grown up enough to be left in charge of an actual human being.



The first few days were a blur. I was exhausted beyond anything I'd known before, anaemic and spaced out. Sometimes I didn't know if I was awake or asleep; I couldn't concentrate on the television, let alone a magazine or a book. I felt like a zombie, and was in bed for several days.

When Asher was born, the experience was totally different. The labour was 4.5 hours from start to finish, and he was born quickly and smoothly in the birthing pool. It was, strange as it sounds, the best experience of my life. The three of us chilled out in the birth centre for a few hours, I scoffed a family bag of jelly babies, and we were home before 5pm. I felt on top of the world, full of energy even, and ate fish and chips with the family before heading to bed for the first of many, many nights of madness.

Of course, the main difference bringing Asher home was that there was an older sibling there to meet him. Leila cradled his head in her tiny toddler's hands and smiled a pleased smile. 'Isn't he wonderful' she said. As time went on she would swing between this sentiment, fierce, slightly aggressive love, and irritation with her little brother ('I want him OFF your nipple' she said a few days later, swiping his head backwards with her hand).

The best advice: I bumped into a male colleague at the shops when I was heavily pregnant with Leila. He has a particular straightforward, deadpan way of talking. No beating around the bush. He said to me, without drama, as I glowed with excitement and optimism: 'It'll be like a bomb's gone off, love. It's brilliant. But it's like a bloody bomb's gone off'. Not so much advice, more a simple truth which I have found oddly comforting since.

The worst: Enjoy every minute. What, every minute? Every single one? Even the ones with the crying (mine) and the screaming (theirs) and the 3am whining? That's just setting yourself up for feeling like a failure.



The hardest parts of being a mother: There are plenty of parts I find hard! It can feel like you crash from one transition to the next; just when you get the hang of one phase (weaning, potty training, tantrums), another kicks in. When you have two, the logistics of managing the very different demands that each age and child presents are pretty mind-boggling. Meanwhile each new phase is so consuming that every bump in the road feels like the hardest phase you've been through. So right now, managing the behaviour of a 3 year old coupled with the physical demands of a 9 month old, feels like the hardest thing. But I'm well aware that in years to come I'll look back on these as the glory days which, really, they are. The time before life got complicated.

Toddlers are their own special brand of challenging. Hilarious, captivating, psychotic and adorable. With Leila I have found Three more demanding than Two. It can be so hard to keep my cool at times, as she pushes with all her might against every boundary. And I am so desperate to be the calm, consistent parent I think she deserves, that the effort of disciplining in the 'right' way is exhausting.

By comparison, babies can seem like a doddle. That is, until they try to finish you with the not sleeping. Asher is and has been a very easy baby on many fronts, but not when it comes to sleep. At the height of his reign of terror (between 3-6 months) I really felt at times like sleep deprivation would break me. Some nights still drive me to tears. I read threads on Mumsnet from mothers perplexed that their four month old has 'stopped' sleeping through. They've what now? STOPPED? My 9 month old never started.

The best parts of being a mother: Basically, everything apart from the hard parts is the best part.

Seeing their personalities develop is the best. I love that Leila is so different from me (fiery, loud, outgoing, a performer) yet we get on so well. She is genuinely hilarious, and not just because she does funny little-kid things like stopping in front of the mini bottles of wine in Asda and saying 'mummy! Lots of special wine for children!'. And even at nine months old, I can already see that Asher is totally different from Leila (cuddly, chilled, an explorer). Seeing them together, laughing like loons at one another, is the best. Being a family is the best. 

Holding, cuddling and stroking them is the best. There must be some mummy-catnip in those babies. I wonder if one day they'll ban me from fiddling with their hair, running my fingers up the nobbles of their spines, squeezing their cheeks between my thumb and forefinger, and curling them back up into a foetal position to crush them gently in my lap. Maybe they'll still let me do it when their work friends aren't in the room.

Every day, a handful of moments are the best, happiest moments you've ever experienced. A friend who was in throes of new motherhood emailed just after Leila was born, and said 'even the hardest days have their magic moments', and that is the wonder of having kids. Though one moment I can be driven to tears of frustration, the next I'm sitting there thinking 'yes. This is it'. The happiness can just surge up through my body and threaten to burst out of my throat at any given moment. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? I'm somebody whose mind is rarely at rest. I'm forever mulling over the past or fretting about the future. Having Leila and Asher, I can be completely in the moment. And I'm more at ease. I know that if I never achieve anything else in my life - and I do intend and fervently hope to achieve other things - I have had them, and that is enough. There's a peace about that.

Also, the body-surging happiness I described above is something I thought I wouldn't experience again when my youngest sister died, several years before Leila was born. Having the children opened my heart to the possibility, and the reality, of utter joy.

Hopes for your family: I want them to be safe, happy and well. That's what it boils down to. It seems so little, yet so much, to ask.

I hope that they (and any future sibling/s) gain as much from each other as I have from my brother and two sisters, and form as close a bond.

I don't expect them to never experience sadness, but I hope they never experience traumatic loss. 

I hope they love and are loved. The right sort of love.

I hope they like their parents as they get older. And that they outlive us.

I hope we have another child. I'm not done, as I told my partner (somewhat alarmingly, I imagine) minutes after Asher was born.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Don't be smug. You may have the magical sleeping baby, the perfect eater, the most well-adjusted sweet-natured sociable kid there is. But if you are smug about it, it WILL bite you on the bum. If not next week, then next year or when the child is a teenager, or when you have your second child. (Or at least, you can be smug - all parents are - but don't do it out loud).

Understand that babies' sleep does not progress in a linear fashion. If your baby sleeps through at 8 weeks (as Leila did), don't be disheartened when her/his sleep goes haywire later on. This will continue through at least the first year. But equally, if your baby still hasn't slept through by nine months (Asher....), know that one day, he/she - and you - will get a full night's sleep. I least I hope we will. WON'T WE? Also remember that the baby books which tell you that 'most babies' sleep through at two months, or that yours 'should' be, wouldn't be bestsellers if this was actually true.

Make 'mum friends' (and/or dad friends, of course). I found playgrounds excruciating for many months, and found the idea of approaching other parents frankly horrifying, but once I bit the bullet and started talking to people, I made friends who have been a great support and, more importantly, a good laugh. It's invaluable to spend time with people who are in the same magic, manic, sick-sodden boat. I have discovered, too, that most people feel the same - i.e. that they are a socially inept, repellant buffoon, and that all the other mums are confident and popular. 

Enjoy every minute. Ha.

Carla, Bill and Iona

Name: Carla 

Children: Bill aged 2.5 and Iona 11.5 months

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: I thought being a mum would be simpler than it is. My mum had me and my elder brother with a similar age gap to my children and I never remember seeing her struggle or look stressed and she rarely, if ever, lost her temper. She was always lots of fun and seemed to know what to do for best. I wanted to be like that I suppose; carefree and fun but practical too.

Reality of Motherhood: As soon as we decided to have a baby, I was pregnant with Bill straight away. I suppose I was quite shocked by that and there were a catalogue of weird events that happened around the same time, like being burgled, some incredibly snowy weather, our neighbour dying and a new family moving into to what had been a peaceful avenue. For the first time in my life I felt out of control. 

I had had a DVT in my leg in 2007, so this meant I was classed as higher risk and
placed on daily injections and ended up having many more appointments than average. I am not really a good patient and I don't ever take anything stronger than paracetamol, so the whole thing seemed a bit alien and over the top. 

My first pregnancy went smoothly and I continued to work my long days and worked hard up until 2 weeks before Bill was due. Circumstances meant that I returned to work part-time when Bill was 6 months old and my husband and our parents took over care on my working days. 

I was pregnant again by the time Bill was one. It had always been our intention to have a small age gap, but once again I was surprised by the speed of it all. At first I was less nervous than I had been in the early months with Bill, but the stress of my job began to take its toll and by the time I was 5 months pregnant I was suffering. I became very ill with a chest infection and then at about 7 months pregnant with Iona, she turned and cracked my rib. I was already tired being pregnant and looking after a toddler and knew the next few months would be very hard. 

The worst thing about being poorly was not being able to look after Bill in the same way. One of the reasons for having two so quickly was so I would be home with my babies, so that I could enjoy the early years. I wasn't used to being out of action and I just wanted to cry as I felt guilty and terrible for my kids. 

The reality is, that you do lose your temper sometimes, you never feel like you have enough hands or enough time and you will need just to abandon all hope of being clean or tidy for a good few years.

Taking your children home for the first time: Bill was born on his due date in a very
busy St Mary's Hospital. The birth was fairly straight forward, but the aftercare was shockingly poor and I discharged myself and came home. We were in the lift downstairs and Andy (my husband) said, "when are we coming back again?"(in other words, for number two). All I could think was that my stitches were killing me and I wanted a decent brew. 

Even at 8lb 15 Bill looked tiny in the car seat and was all thin and wrinkled. 

When we got home, it suddenly felt very real. We showed Bill around the house as I had read about doing that in a book and it seemed a welcoming thing to do. I was glad to be home. Then I think he mainly cried, and we barely slept all night. The next morning at 9am the midwife appeared and told me off for still being in my pjs!

Luckily, Iona was also born on her due date and she was quick and efficient about it, despite also being just short of 9lb. This time hospital wasn't as crowded or as awful, but I came home the day after as I wanted us to be together as a family. Bill seemed to take it quite well and after feeling really poorly I immediately started to feel a lot better and could finally sleep again (when Iona allowed of course). It was a wonderful feeling to have all four of us sat on the bed together. I felt very lucky.

The best/worst advice: 

Worst: When Iona was losing weight and was looking pretty skinny, I was told by the health visitor not to worry about it as "I wouldn't want her to be big in later life"....
she was 5 months old at the time and had gone from the 91st to the 25th centile! I was furious. 

I was also told that I had done the wrong thing taking my little boy out to socialise all the time and I should have sat him in front of a film and then I wouldn't have to try and take both babies as much. This seemed particularly bonkers as after I had Bill, all the advice
was about getting out of the house with the baby so you don't lose your marbles. 

I have had a lot of poor and conflicting advice from health visitors over the years. I think you are very vulnerable when you are a new mum and a lot of people give you useless advice whilst you are striving to do your best. It can make you start to get very confused.

Best: My GP told me to ignore the health visitors! That was very good advice. But generally I think you have to trust your instincts and do what you think and don't doubt yourself even if you are tired and worn out.






The hardest parts of being a mother: I am not sure what's worst - the worry about not doing the right thing at the right time and the consequences of your actions, or the tiredness which some days can be overwhelming, and not being able to down tools and have a day off.....especially if you have a baby like Iona who flatly refuses to take a bottle.

The best parts of being a mother: Cuddling is a definite highlight, there is no end to small people wanting cuddles in this house. You get a lot back for what you put in. Seeing your babies develop and change is also really exciting and fun, plus seeing Bill and Iona having fun together is brilliant.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: A few years ago, the highlight of my year was going off to the USA for a week to present at international conferences. I loved my job and I always wanted to give it 100%. Now, I just don't feel like that at all. Even when I return to work in a few weeks time, I will be strictly part-time and while I hope to do a good job, I will be glad to be at home where my heart is.



Hopes for your family: We had always wanted three children, but after having Bill I seriously reconsidered and having Iona that definitely finalised my decision. I don't feel like one of those people who is a natural mother and I want to do my best for Bill and Iona. I only have two knees to sit on and they are taken now.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: If you can, get to NCT classes and find yourself some good friends, even before you have your baby. I would not have managed without my friends and I have met other good comrades along the way. Friends with children of a very similar age, who live nearby, cannot be underestimated.

You can share the highlights, low lights, proper advice and later down the line, a few beers as well! They really will get you through the dark days and your babies will have friends for life, which is really lovely.

Nicola, Benjamin and Erin

Name: Nicola 

Children: Benjamin (3) and Erin (4 months)

Location: Chorlton

Expectations of Motherhood: Honestly, I didn’t think it would be anywhere near as hard as it is. I'm a lawyer, and pre-pregnancy I worked long hours and managed a team of other Lawyers and paralegals so I was used to stress, pressure of time, trying to divide my time between lots of other people and having to respond quickly to the demands of my seniors, which often included the judiciary. I honestly thought raising children would be easier than work. I had planned to re-learn the piano, brush up on my French and even go camper vanning around New Zealand’s north island with the baby. (I cringe when I think about how naive I was). How wrong I was. 

Reality of Motherhood: Raising children is the hardest job I have ever done in my life. I am sleep deprived, I am tetchy, I am emotional, I am a control freak (who knew!), I am probably a borderline alcoholic and I am not a very good wife. There are never enough hours in the day, I have stopped having hobbies, I have stopped caring so much about my appearance, I eat far too many biscuits, I am constantly washing, folding or putting away clothes (note the omission of the word “ironing”), the dog is neglected, dinners are often frozen and at times I actually feel like a prisoner in my own home. But by God am I blessed. When Benjamin hugs me and tells me I am his best friend, or when Erin looks up and smiles at me while I am feeding her (excluding the middle of the night feeds I suppose) I feel enormously grateful and lucky to have two little people in my life who will always call me Mum. I adore watching them grow and learn and they surprise me every day with things I didn’t know they could do. Hearing Benjamin say “excuse me please” to another little person at a playgroup the other day filled me with pride. Watching Erin suck her thumb fills me with awe that she’s learnt to do it all by herself. Playing in puddles, making a mess with paint, chasing and trying to catch falling leaves, the smell of a newborn baby’s head, watching them bond with each other, dancing in the living room, encouraging, praising, teaching, learning, tickling, giggling........ the list of pros goes on and on and is much much longer than the list of cons. Yes its hard, but raising children is the most rewarding job I’ve ever had the privilege to do. 

As for “work” - I returned to work when Benjamin was 11 months old and it was a doddle. I got to drink a cup of tea before it went cold, I got to go to the toilet with the door closed, I got a lunch “break” and I got to have adult conversations. And my armour was stronger – it didn’t really matter if I had a bad day in the office or if I got shouted at by a Judge at the Crown Court, because I knew that at the end of the day I would return to my "family” and they would make it all ok. Beside, being shouted at by a Judge is infinitely easier to take than a toddler tantrum because I’ve turned Cbeebies off!! 

 And as for New Zealand – its not going anywhere – what’s the rush! 

Taking your children home for the first time: Taking our children home were wonderful days for us. All the neighbours came out to see them, Mum and Dad were here and had cooked us a lovely meal. There were balloons, banners and lots of cards on display and I felt very very special. With Erin, she slotted straight in to family life. The dog didn’t seem too impressed that we’d gone and got another one though!

The best/worst advice: The best advice I got was from my mum and she simply said this “mother knows best”. I honestly believe that mothers intuition is a powerful tool. The best advice I could give is to take any advice with a pinch of salt!!!

As for bad advice – I don’t make room for it in my memory bank!

The hardest parts of being a mother: The guilt – and constantly worrying that something I have done or said in the past could have a negative influence on them.

The best parts of being a mother: That I can walk around in leggings all day.

Has motherhood changed you?: I haven’t changed – I’ve evolved.

Hopes for your (growing) family: We haven’t yet decided if we are to be a family of four or a family of five (six if you include the dog!) but however big the brood, I simply wish for happiness. The rest will follow.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: A lot of people told me to expect the sudden rush of love when I held my newborn baby in my arms. That was helpful advice to an extent because it numbed the anxiety of actually giving birth, but the reality was that when Benjamin finally made an appearance, I was so tired (physically and emotionally) that I just wanted to sleep. 

I remember not being that bothered that I didn’t have skin to skin contact with him (how bad is that??) and was glad that Tris was there to hold him and start that father/son bond whilst I was being repaired! That night however when it was just me and Benjamin behind our little curtain on the hospital ward, and the drugs had worn off, I could see just how helpless this little creature was and had an overwhelming need to love and care for him. I picked him up out of his little bucket and held him and my life changed forever. So my advice really is that what’s good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander. Everyone is different and everyone will have a different experience of childbirth and beyond.

Be true to yourself. Embrace the journey. Your child is their own person – baby expert books cannot change that. Acceptance. Strength. Love. Oh, and never break a promise to your child.

Susie, Milo and Bibi

Name: Susie 

Children: Milo (nearly 5) and Isobel, also known as Bibi, 18 months.

Location: Chorlton, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: With my eldest, Milo, I had none. I think because of that, I actually found becoming a mother the most incredible and empowering experience. Here was something I could do and it felt that I could do it "right"; I trusted my instincts. Second time round, I did have an expectation. I expected it to be hard, sure, but I thought I'd be able to do it all again, that having my daughter would just add to my love and my abilities as a mother.

Reality of Motherhood: Having Bibi has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I say that as a mother who is totally and utterly devoted to her daughter, who loves the bones of her, who can't be away from her without experiencing a phyiscal pull. I miss my kids when they are not physically here with me. But oh, Bibi was a hard baby. She didn't sleep, day or night, for the first ten months. She was so angry and cross; I'd regularly be in tears at 9am, thinking, how the hell am I going to manage the rest of the day on my own with her? I was so tired. I missed hanging out with just me and Milo. And the most shocking thing of all: I didn't think it would be like this. I expected to fall in love with her in the same way I had with Milo; but that rush of immediate first love was a long time coming. Don't get me wrong, I would have wrestled a tiger (and quite possibly won) for her, but she was hard to love.

I remember crying on the tram, in front of all these people, when she just wouldn't stop crying, and she'd been crying for something like 48 hours straight. I'd tried to pick her up to comfort her but she just fought me off - that was what was so hard. Not that she cried, but that she was so angry with it. She didn't want comfort. Poor Milo was there on the tram, one of my poor neighbours too (who to her credit, did offer to help). I didn't want help, though, because I knew that whatever break I had, whether it was 5 minutes or 5 hours, I'd have to go back to having her scream at me, unrelentingly, day and night.

The turning point came that day; I realised I couldn't go on. My lovely husband stepped in and took over the nights and, eventually, after a further few months, Bibi started sleeping. That, coupled with her also being able to walk and to be able to communicate, was the turning point. I think Bibi just didn't like being a baby. By 12 months she was a changed girl. She has become the most wonderful, good-natured, hilarious, feisty and slightly bonkers toddler. I am in awe of her, I am in love with her. And finally I have bonded with her.

So when she was born I lost all the confidence I had in being a good mother. I don't think I was, for a long time. It's something I actually feel very ashamed about. I "should" have been better. And part of the reason for doing this project is to out myself, to say, you know what, I failed, to begin with. But I found a way back. And to say sorry to my darling girl - because, you know what, for all she drove me half way to insanity, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I would do it all again, just to have her in my life. Only I'd hope I'd be able to be slightly less crap if I did it again.

So - Bibi, if you ever read this: I love you. You are wonderful. And if anyone ever makes you feel otherwise (including me), you have my full permission to have words with them. And not necessarily nice words, either.

Taking your children home for the first time: I don't want to be a Chorlton cliche, but I had Bibi at home. It was less about being an 'earth mother' (I'm really not) but more about practicalities. Milo was asleep, I was 5 mins from hospital if anything went wrong (and quite possibly had better care than I would in hospital; I had 2 Grade 7 midwives with me throughout), and I just wanted to be left alone to get on with it. So afterwards, my midwife ran me a bath, made my bed, and I got in and snuggled up with my new girl. Five minutes later, Milo woke up and, still in his PJs, met his baby sister. That bit - giving him the best present ever - that made it all worth it. Milo and Bibi are very close; they adore each other, and I hope that their relationship started that morning when he climbed into bed: me, Simon, Milo and Bibi, all together.

The best/worst advice: I made a point early on not to listen to anything other than medical advice. Babies are people; people are unique. So why would you try and apply a 'one size fits all' approach to your own child?

The hardest part of being a mother: The lack of time.

The best parts of being a mother: Having two people in my life who constantly amaze me, who make me laugh, who remind me what fun means, who teach me how to be a better, less selfish person. Honestly, my kids rock: hanging out with them is a privilege.

Hopes for your family: That Milo and Bibi will be happy and healthy, meet people in their lives who make them feel good about themselves, and that they both grow up knowing, at the core of them, that they are OK just as they are. They don't have to 'be' anything to be good enough; they just have to be.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Be kind to yourself. And take help when it is offered, and ask for it if it isn't.

Chloe, Emery and Xanthe

Name: Chloe 

Children: Emery, 4 and Xanthe, 2 

Location: Stockport

Expectations of Motherhood: I have always known I wanted children, and used to be able to reel off and – I thought – empathise with, all the clichés of motherhood. But whilst I had a rough idea of the physical and practical demands, I had no appreciation of the emotional challenges which come as part of the package

Reality of Motherhood: Hmmm... impossible to define. For me, the reality of the first year of motherhood was very different to the phase I find myself in now. My first year being a mum was an intense bubble of amazingly happy experiences and huge adjustments. I’m really glad I indulged in all my favourite parts of ‘baby-dom’ because once your baby becomes a toddler you step out of the baby haze and the real world looms large once again.

Second time around we were looking forward to a smooth ride thinking that we’d already learnt most of the hard lessons. However, we found out when our daughter Xanthe was just two weeks old that she is profoundly deaf. We knew nothing about deafness, and had only fears in our mind about the future that awaited Xanthe and us all. I was busy trying to look after a newborn and help our son adjust to life as a big brother, whilst trying to come to terms with my sadness about the diagnosis. It’s fair to say that all of my initial fears (‘would Xanthe ever be able to speak?’ ‘how would she know that I love her if she never hears me say it?’) have since faded away as Xanthe’s personality has emerged and we’ve found our own way of communicating.

Xanthe had cochlear implants fitted just before she was 2, which allow her to hear almost all sounds. With lots of speech therapy and support from a fantastic team of professionals, she is learning how to listen and speak. We are aware from subsequent diagnoses that she is likely to face further challenges later in life, for now I find it easier to focus on the current challenges than dwell on ‘unknowns’. You don’t have to spend long in paediatric waiting rooms to realise there are lots of families out there whose daily lives are so much harder than most of us parents could even imagine. I feel like our eyes have been opened to another world which we were oblivious to first time around because we were so consumed with the usual new parent activities.

Taking your children home for the first time: With our first child it dawned on me before even leaving the hospital that there were just too many decisions involved in caring for a child, and I may as well give up on the hope of getting everything ‘right’. I’d just have to have faith that I was trying my best and hope that would be enough to keep him happy and healthy. The tiredness over the next few weeks made everything more intense, for good and for bad. It was a precious yet overwhelming time. 

The best/worst advice: During my pregnancy I was quite shocked at how many people felt they could comment or offer advice to me just because I was pregnant (“so big”, “too small”...)

I was shocked when I was 7 months pregnant at the train station waiting for my train and I (discreetly) applied some lipstick. A male fellow commuter (who I recognised but didn’t know), said to me “You don’t need to bother with that now, you’ve already had your man!”. As ever in these situations, I’ve since come up with about 15 worthy responses which frustratingly I was too shocked at the time to use.

The hardest parts of being a mother: There have been days dealing with the almost constant stream of requests from my kids when I have felt like I have almost ceased to exist as a person in my own right: grateful if even my most basic of needs has been met, like going to the toilet or fitting in time for a drink of water. In the evenings when they are asleep, I pad around the house with no music, TV.... just enjoying the silence!

I remember feeling glued to the sofa in the early days of breastfeeding, and unable to put my baby down at all throughout the day. I had a favourite aunt coming to visit one day and I was keen for the house (and us) to look our best. Emery would not settle with anyone else, so I had to let others tidy up around me. I felt at one point like I might actually spontaneously combust with frustration as I sat there and watched others take an hour to do what would have taken me 10 minutes.

I think different mums (and children) have stages/ages that suit them more than others. I loved pretty much every aspect of the first year, and didn’t really mind the physical demands. I have found the toddler years much harder, with the constant emotional drain – the tantrums, tears, the continual need to have an ‘approach’ to behaviour, mealtime etc. Yet, I am fully aware that I will most likely look back in 20 years time and realise that these have been the happiest times of my life, because I have been most needed and in a position to give so much to my children.

During the ‘terrible 2’s’ I remember there being times when I could almost feel my patience growing. If you’ve got to stand while your toddler counts every brick on a wall, you may as well take the opportunity to relax and enjoy it, rather than wrestle inside with the memory of how you used to be able to get from ‘a’ to ‘b’ or whizz through your ‘to do’ lists at your own pace.

Having a child who has additional needs can place an unforeseen burden on you as parents in many ways. You have to act as the conduit of information for your whole friends/family network. Everyone looks to you to let them know what the latest information is, what they can do to help, how they should communicate with your child etc. It’s fantastic they want to be involved, but it means you need to always be one step ahead. Xanthe had her first hearing aids at 6 weeks old, so I had to quickly get used to responding to strangers stares and questions. You also have to be organised and well-informed to question or challenge professionals while acting as advocate for your child at the many appointments. The NHS support has been fantastic, but I still have box files full of paperwork relating to the different teams we access, and we spend a lot of our spare time researching medical information and accessing support networks.

Finally, I do find it hard not having family close by. It is a choice we have made to live here, but I try not to think about how much easier it would be if we had family who could easily help out at short notice or where we could just call by for a cup of tea.

The best parts of being a mother: I just love watching my children growing into the intriguing characters they are. As their personality and interests emerge it is fascinating to see them interacting with people in their own right, and adding their own perspective to the world they see around them. It is a privilege to witness. As is watching them dance - we often whack up the music and have a boogie together – nothing better.

I’d like to also give a rare mention for one of the positive side effects of being so tired – you simply don’t have the time or energy to deal with stuff that you probably should’ve shaken off years ago, so I think I’m (becoming) more ruthless now and better able to prioritise who and what I spend my time on.

Hopes for your (growing) family: Well, since the birth of our daughter, Xanthe, I have revised my hopes for our family. Prior to finding out she is deaf I felt in control of most aspects of our growing family; we’d had the two children we’d hoped for without having to wait too long and were happy with our working and home lives. The diagnosis made me realise that what I’d thought of as all being part of a clever plan, had actually just been luck. It has been important for me to find my peace with the diagnosis so that I can accept it and get on with enjoying life as a family. I know that as full and happy life is as possible for Xanthe as any other child. It’s just that she has had a different starting place and will face different challenges along the way.

So, my hopes for my beautiful children are for them to feel happy in themselves and confident in accessing all that life has to offer. I would hope that they will grow up to be well-rounded citizens, who never stop listening and learning, and are appreciative of all that we have.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums:

In no particular order....

Get a decent camera – if you have any plans to upgrade your camera then don’t wait, you may as well do it at the start to capture all the precious ‘firsts’ from the beginning.

It is as well to anticipate a period of adjustment for you and your partner as you get used to life as parents – it is a big change, and there is likely to be some colourful language on the way.

Plan your ‘mum’ wardrobe while you have time before the baby arrives. Your figure will go through several stages before reaching it’s new norm and you’ll probably feel unsure of what flatters it. Bright scarves will help perk you up when you’re feeling tired and, along with some flattering shirts or cardigans to cover you, will make you feel more confident in your early attempts to breast-feed in public.

I have had to learn to be more aware of and assertive about my needs. Unless you are specific about what you need, your partner/friends/family can’t help you. Your children need you to be at your strongest, so if that means you asking for a Saturday once a month when you can go off and think about just yourself for a day, then do it. Similarly, it isn’t a crime to sort yourself out before you tend to your crying baby. You’ll probably feel a lot less stressed if you get your coat off and flick the kettle on or grab a quick bite to eat before you get your baby out of the pram for a feed after a walk.

Finally, don’t be tempted to stop at Tesco’s on your way to the hospital when in labour to pick up final snacks – the labour might just be quicker than you expect!

Natalie, Abe and Patti

Name: Natalie 

Children: Abe, 3 and Patti, 1 

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: First time round I expected to be exhausted, in pain, a bit scared, uncertain and at the same time overjoyed, deeply in love, and with a knowledge that my life would never be the same again. 

Second time around I expected to be tired for the next year of my life but that I'd somehow feel complete. I knew it would be hard to look after a 2 year old and a new born at the same time, when one wants to sleep, the other wants to be stimulated - but I felt ready for the challenge. 

I couldn't imagine how I could love a child as much as I loved my first child. In my working life I work with women who are homeless, single mums, and i knew it wouldn't be as hard for me as it is for them because I have a lot of support and a loving family.

Reality of Motherhood: Wow! Sometimes I think I'm still in some form of culture shock! When Abe was born we were instantly in love, he breastfed with ease, he would gaze at me and I at him and nothing mattered apart from my gorgeous boy. Then after a week, months, years of lack of sleep (Abe prefers to be awake) and as a mother constantly being needed physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, reality struck. I don't think you can prepare for that. Its exhausting in so many ways, but its also the most magnificent experience, its cliched but that's because its true. I have never felt so many contrasting emotions in my life. I can go from wanting to jump off a bridge one minute to wanting to do a rendition of 'The Hills are Alive' in the space of 5 minutes. This may be something to do with PND but maybe its just that children bring so much into your life and take so much from your 'pre-children' life that its a shock to the system. It certainly was and still is to me, adjusting to the new identity as 'mother' is huge in my experience and I think I'll be adjusting for a long time to come. 

I am deeply in love with both my children and they never cease to amuse and entertain me and the way they love me back is out of this world. I am very lucky to have a partner who is extremely supportive and caring, and is an amazing dad, I don't want to sound smug, but I am lucky to have him, he is exceptionally ace. I take my hat off to women who cope on their own, I just think being a parent is such a hard job and going it alone must feel impossible at times. I will definitely be better and more empathic with the women I support when I return to work.

Taking the children home for the fist time: It was painful really, I had a forceps delivery with my first and walking was agonising, as was sitting in a car and going over bumps. I was worried; worried I hadn't wrapped him up warm enough, worried about strapping in the car seat correctly, worried about what I was going to do with a baby when I got home - would he be eating enough, sleeping enough, warm enough, etc, basically worrying in general. I talk to my mum about this, she says the worry never stops. It is however, reduced slightly with a bit of pinot grigio. 

Taking Patti home was lovely, we got a nice cab driver who showed us pictures of his children, the sun was shining and my gorgeous boy was waiting for our arrival.

The best/worst advice: I have an amazing role model friend, Kate Random Love, and she had her first child before me and had bestowed on me all kinds of wisdom, I think the main thing I took from her was to trust my own maternal instincts, and to go easy on myself. I would call Kate and we could talk for hours about breast feeding, the highs, the lows, the roller coaster of emotions. 

I don't tend to give advice outside of work. I can only say what I've experienced and babies are all so different. I enjoyed reading what Dr Sears had to say, they made it ok to co-sleep when other people seemed so uncomfortable when they heard that was what we were doing. I don't remember being given any bad advice.

The hardest parts of being a mother: All of it, I find it really hard. I love it, but at times I feel so tired, frustrated, alone, guilty (anything from having the tele on too much, not giving my children enough vegetables, not reading enough to them, not letting them get enough fresh air - its ridiculous I know.) 

I think the responsibility is awesome and I'm doing my best, I have days where I think 'yeah, I can do this, I'm a good mother' and days when I could run away (I have these fantasies about booking myself into the Hilton, no one will know I'm there, I will have a swim *in a pool, not in 'lake me', order room service, watch a film and sleep, uninterrupted all night!). 

I know it will get easier, or at least the challenges will change, Patti is nearly 1 and Abe is nearly 3.

The best parts of being a mother: The look of love in their eyes when they look at me, and their dad. The love I feel and the love they give to me in return, the incredible journey we're on together. 

The laughs they give me, watching them both eat spaghetti bolognese is pretty special. I love it when they cuddle each other, or when Abe tells Patti he loves her. 8pm is really good, when they're both tucked up in bed and I have the candles on and a glass of wine and I sit with James and we talk about how ace our kids are.

Hopes for your family: I hope my children always feel loved and supported by me and their father. I hope they find love as they grow up and that they respect people for all their differences. I hope they have the confidence to follow their dreams and achieve their goals, I hope they live and love and enjoy life. I hope they're healthy and happy. 

I REALLY hope they will sit on the couch with their mother and watch musicals when they're a bit older.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I'd say paddle your own canoe, trust your instincts, don't presume everyone else is a natural or better at being a parent than you are because even the zen parents are probably having inner meltdowns. Its the hardest job in the world so forgive yourself for any negative thoughts you have and any guilt you feel because if you can love and care for your children, you've pretty much cracked it. Oh, and if you need help, ask for it. If you don't have a supportive family there are lots of places to get support through your GP or SureStart centres.