Ciara and Lukas

Name: Ciara 

Child: Lukas, 12 months

Location: Levenshulme

Expectations of Motherhood: We were on the cusp of starting IVF treatment when I found out I was pregnant, so I’d had a lot of time to over-think the whole motherhood thing – and this went on throughout my pregnancy. I’ve never been that good with little kids and even when I was pregnant I had little more than a passing interest in other people’s children. 

While I really wanted to be a mother and to experience that changing relationship as my child grew older, I have never really felt broody about babies per se – something that I think lots of other women feel. 

Consequently I didn’t expect the early months to be hugely my thing – I thought I’d possibly come into my own and really get into being a mum way down the line.

Reality of Motherhood: Well, Lukas is still only 12 months old so I’ve not been doing it that long. But I’d be the first to admit that my expectations up to this point have been totally wrong. I’ve loved every stage so far and numerous times I’ve actually caught myself feeling nostalgic for the younger baby he was as new skills come in and he gets closer to toddlerhood. 

I didn’t really spend any consistent time with babies when I was younger so the rate of change and how fascinating it actually is to watch (for parents at least!) caught me by surprise. 

To be fair he has been a very laid-back baby and we haven’t had to deal with colic, reflux or any serious illness, so we’ve been very fortunate in that respect. But I’ve found it far easier stay relaxed about it all than I expected – I genuinely have enjoyed pretty much every minute, which is something which makes me cringe a little as I write it because it sounds like such a cliché. I’ve found that even when we’re going through a difficult stage – when his sleep went even more haywire than normal, say, or when teeth were coming through – reminding myself how this is all transient and how quickly time is passing has helped me get through with no tears shed and my sanity intact. 

Taking your child home for the first time: I had been weirdly anxious about this for months – I felt totally relaxed about the idea of actually giving birth but was quite intimidated by the enormity of the responsibility which we’d face from that point. 

My recollection of actually leaving the hospital that night with this teeny tiny baby in his huge car seat is fairly sketchy – it’s only really because I documented the whole thing in photos that I can picture it at all – but I do remember the overwhelming feeling of “now what?” once we got home. 

I briefly put him down in his Moses basket in our room with the lights off but I felt so conscious of keeping my husband awake that I ended up moving onto the sofa bed next door for the next seven weeks! It sounds ridiculous to say it now as I was the one who had just given birth. But I felt so lacking in confidence about breastfeeding and struggled so much to put the baby down without him kicking off that it somehow felt easier to be on our own in the spare room at night – I saw no point in wrecking all of our sleep, particularly as Andy went back to work after just a week. 

There was no thunderbolt feeling of falling head over heels in love for me – more of a fascination with this tiny perfect being that we had somehow created and a contentment that grew into that deep feeling of love over time. 

The best/worst advice: The best advice was probably to ignore the opinions that everybody inevitably seems to have about anything that you do as a new mother. Although most of this is given with the best of intentions, it’s such an emotional time that it’s easy to end up feeling undermined. I eventually learned to let people’s comments wash over me and follow my own gut instincts. But there was a point where a parent or relative’s comments about how much I held my baby (too much apparently) or which breastfeeding position I used, or how their baby was sleeping through by this stage left me feeling quite demoralised. It takes confidence to ignore this kind of thing and not let it get to you, and that takes time to develop.

The hardest parts of being a mother: On an immediate level for me it has been the sleep deprivation – which has only just started turned a corner for us over the past few weeks. But the other thing I’m finding challenging is striking a balance between work and family life. Perhaps this is a self-indulgent concern but until 35 my energies were almost entirely focused on my career (I’m a journalist). I’m currently a full-time carer, trying to fit little bits of paying freelance work into naps (more erratic than I would like) and evenings. I’ve realised that up to the point when I had a child my sense of self and self-esteem were almost entirely wrapped up in my professional identity – something which admittedly probably wasn’t healthy. The work that I most love doing is not cost effective, however, and consequently has fallen by the wayside for the time being at least. I’m now grappling with the question of what if anything is left when my career is stripped away – for the time being at least – by motherhood. I’m not really sure of the answer. 

The best parts of being a mother: I definitely laugh a lot more than I used to. He’s such a joy to be around at the moment. I have a tendency to be a bit cynical sometimes and it’s more difficult to be like that with a silly 12-month-old baby around. He is teaching me to take pleasure from the simpler things in life.

I also love the fact that having a child has also rooted me far more deeply in the area in which I live. Despite living in Levenshulme for 12 years, I’ve made more local friends in the past year – mainly through baby groups – than I ever had before, and this has made me feel genuinely part of a community for the first time in my life. And cynical little me was dreading the whole baby group thing before I had him.

Has becoming a mother changed you? Not hugely. 

I like to think I’m still the same person with the same passions and interests. It’s just that I have a lot less time to do the things I used to do, which can admittedly be frustrating. I managed to keep up my running throughout my pregnancy and that’s something I’ve continued since I had Lukas – I only get out once or twice a week now but have managed not to miss a week.

Hopes for your family: That Lukas grows up happy and healthy and retains his sunny disposition. That he grows up with a close and loving network of friends and family. When I think about Lukas growing up in this friendly, diverse and creative neighbourhood it makes me really happy.



What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Just go with the flow and try not to worry about things that haven’t happened yet. When people offer you advice just smile politely and then follow your own instincts. Things will work out.

The other advice I’d give is to seek help if you are having problems with breastfeeding – support is out there via midwives and drop in advice clinics so don’t be afraid to use it.



Extra Info:

There are days when we wonder, what were we thinking? As if the first year of parenthood isn’t challenging enough, we bought a house that needs a huge amount of work – everything, basically, from central heating to rewire to new floorboards and plastering – and moved twice in six weeks (into rented and then into our new home). 

The process of buying was drawn out and stressful – around the time I was due to be induced, our first purchase fell through due to our survey discovering subsidence. 

We then had a second vendor suddenly pull out on us after surveys the following month, followed by a frantic viewings and several other bids that came to nothing (we didn’t want to lose our buyer). 

Finally, when Lukas was six months old, we moved out of our old place – anyone who has had to pack up their life and put it into storage while caring for a baby will understand it’s a unique kind of stress. But we then had to do it all a second time when our builders had finished six weeks later. All the walls were bare plaster, there were no carpets and it was as dirty as you would expect a building site to be. 

Sixth months on, we still only have one room carpeted and two rooms decorated, and we continue to have moments of extreme frustration – getting anything done with a crawling/cruising baby who needs to nap regularly is a challenge. But it was definitely worth the hassle to get a home we plan to stay in, so I’d reassure anyone else who has similar ideas that you can do it! 

Ana and Samuel

Name: Ana 

Child: Samuel, 6.5 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood:

I had mixed feelings about motherhood. I most worried about what I was "going to leave behind" (people love giving you the drama about "losing your life, missing out on this or that"..). I also expected tiredness, desperation, fear, endless worry and depression at some point...
I did not want to resent becoming a mother, as it would not be fair on anybody, including myself and so it took me some time to make the final decision.

On the other hand, I also expected to find it a really interesting experience, full of new adventures and the idea of starting up with the best intentions, open mind and hopefully with more information than our previous generations.
I am naturally quite pessimistic, however, in order to become a mother, I had to reconcile some of my worst fear with a sensible optimism which has to exist in order to finally make the decision to bring someone into the world; this lovely blank canvass of a human, to join the "Trip of Life". I am not a religious type, so really, we reckoned that this one-off ticket was worth it, so we had Sam.

Reality of Motherhood: Tiredness: check. Missing out on this or that..: check; although I shall say that I now choose how to spend my time much more efficiently. That includes choosing both quality (unrelated to money) in places and people. I no longer take the chance of having a rubbish club night and ending up talking to people I am not keen on, outside of a "cool" club most of the night, which has to be a good thing.

My husband and I are a team. That means we share the responsibility of bringing up Sam equally. It allows us to have time to spend doing our own thing, as well as doing things as a family, or as a couple (with additional help, of course). So I have time to continue with what I used to do prior and during pregnancy. In that sense, I do not feel I am missing out. We'll see how it goes, when I return to full time work. 

I have met some lovely mothers at baby groups; I would like to keep in touch with some of them, although the task may be complicated once we go back to work.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was very happy with the team at St. Mary's, even though they were really short of beds and I was initially going to be discharged after 24h. I ended up staying another day because I was still in pain from surgery (I had a c-section). I was worried about feeding Sam, but he still looked good (though ravenous) for 2 days old.

The best/worst advice: The best advice was, at the time, although a bit late, that combine feeding your baby is fine, you are not a selfish cow or less of a human, you are just trying to help your baby get through his first days! Without going into too much detail, Sam had to be rushed back into hospital on the 5th day, because he was not getting enough nourishment. Nobody really checked how much milk, if any, I was producing (I kept being told to stick to breastfeeding, because I was doing great and Sam latched on perfectly, with full cheeks etc, although he was probably gulping air all the time). Hindsight is great and hateful at the same time. I wish I had been more compos mentis, to ask nursing staff/health visitors to give me straight, unbiased instructions, as I did not have a clue. In essence, stay away from the Breastfeeding and Vaginal Birth Propaganda, because no plan is set in stone. We, as women, should be supporting each other to deal with the circumstances we encounter, not look down on each other etc.

Another idea we found very sensible, but often overlooked, was when a friend advised us to look after ourselves, to stay away from harmful people and situations (and if possible, to protect ourselves from stressful experiences), to be positive and take this as a constructive and loving experience (without trying to sound twee).

Also, a great piece of advice is to put him to bed whilst he is still awake, never cuddle him to sleep. It did wonders to settle him into a routine. He does not need anyone to be present in the room, which freed us a lot. Sam has adapted really well to travelling in Spain and will settle into his routine, no matter where he is (he would go to sleep after about 15-20 minutes, of the first night in a strange place). 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The tiredness, which impacts on all aspects of our daily structure and our mental clarity. The careless judgement we are subjected to, often from people who do not know us from Adam. At other times, it is people closer to us, whom we have to ask to keep their unrequested nagging to themselves, as it may cause unpleasant situations, easily misconstrued as ungratefulness on our part. We are only doing our best, we are tired, we will ask for advice and help when we need it, don't worry!
The memory blanks. In fact, I have forgotten a few ideas I was going to log here.

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing Sam smiling at me every morning. He looks so happy and his smile is so sincere (untarnished by life, sounds harsh, I know!) that I just want to bite lumps out of him.
It may seem like I am copying Jo now (we actually met at the Children's Hospital) but it's great to see Sam with his father (Richard) laughing and enjoying themselves. It really makes you think what is important in life and what is just, well, a masquerade, like Facebook lives (and I use Facebook daily).
Has being a mother changed you? Yes. I can think more clearly now and speak up about fundamental matters with a better outlook. There is an innocent human's life at stake here, which is our responsibility and this has put me right where I need to be. 

Hopes for your family: To be happy, healthy, free-thinking, conscientious, coherence of action and belief and exercise solidarity.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Tell people who just want to tell you negative stories, to make you feel bad about pregnancy and maternity, to stick their tongues where it is most needed. Search for wise professionals and you will find them. If it makes you feel bad about yourself, it is not good for you.

Extra info: 
You do not have to give up your life and your whole being, in order to be a mum. You do not want to be the most sacred and abnegate "Madonna" in the cemetery or mental health unit. Of course, it helps if you have a partner/husband/wife/friend who shares the responsibility of looking after little ones equally, without being selfish. Communication, love and understanding of each others needs and preferences is key. Also, do not take everything personally, we will be all tired and that gives way to grumpiness. I am the Queen of Grump.

Note: these experiences I've been able to enumerate here, are underpinned by my benefiting from the umbrella of protection that the National Health Service has provided me, as a citizen of Manchester and the UK. 
In a climate where the Political/Money Caste is digging deeper into the heart of this Public Health system, to discredit it, in order to justify the underfunding in so many areas, thus feeding into this idea of "inefficiency", I have been able to deliver a child, feeling confident that I was in good hands, that this system should not be a privilege, but a model that exists in every country. I have not lost sight of the sad fact that the interests hidden behind the dismantling of this system, only look after themselves, they do not care about whether an ambulance can reach to where you are or whether enough beds/staff/equipment... are available. Please, let's value what there is and exercise your right to demand from the Caste that public money is invested where it is needed. Because there is money to keep it working proficiently.

Elisa and Nova

Name: Elisa

Child: Nova Millie, 10 months (4 months in the photos)

Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Expectations of Motherhood: I was so nervous. I’ve never been the most maternal of all souls. Before Nova, I had never changed a nappy or fed a baby, and if one was handed to me I’d prefer to not hold it in case I dropped it – they seemed so incredibly fragile and dainty to me. Also, to be honest I only really thought as far as giving birth and the following first couple of months – I expected many sleepless nights, a much more scruffy-looking version of me and a lot of chaos.

Reality of Motherhood: Wow. It was a different sort of tiredness than I could ever have imagined in my wildest dreams – at times I couldn’t even string a proper sentence together. But we were so lucky with Nova and 99.9% of the time she was a super-pleasant, totally laid-back and happy little creature. It was so strange to all over sudden have her home after preparing for her arrival for so many months.

The first three months were really hard. I felt like a robot: changing nappies, feeding, putting Nova to sleep. Changing nappies, feeding, putting Nova to sleep. Changing nappies….you get the gist. And even though she was mine, even though I loved her from the moment she was put on my chest she was still a stranger with a personality and character that would first really emerge in later months. Then the day came when Nova first smiled at me. I just melted, and our bond since has become stronger and stronger.

Taking your child home for the first time: When we walked out of hospital and the sunlight hit my eyes I felt like that dude must have felt when he woke up in 28 Days Later – confused, weak and like I had been in a deep comatose sleep for a very long time. My partner was carrying Nova in her car seat in front of me, and I remember the congratulations balloon tied around the handle hitting me on the head every couple of steps. It took quite a while until we had figured out the car seat (it seemed so straight-forward in the shop!), and then we drove home at 20mph. All three of us were exhausted, but also happy (well, Nova was asleep but she must have been happy to get out of there).




The best/worst advice: When I was in hospital after giving birth, I was told so many conflicting things. Each midwife would do things differently, the health visitor had a separate opinion and then there are so many members of the family who all want to help with advice. But the truth is it confuses the hell out of you! What is the right thing to do? Who is the most appropriate person to listen to? Is there a ‘right’ way? An important realisation to me was that your confidence as a mother grows with time. After all, babies aren’t delivered with an instruction manual and all babies are utterly different! I’ve been to so many different activity and play groups where we met other babies Nova’s age, and it was amazing to see that even though there are the general baby behaviour characteristics, each of them is a completely unique individual. So stick to your guns and do what you think is right. Oh, and it really is bliss to speak to other mums with young babies – cause dads don’t and physically can’t really understand all the emotions you are going through. They do try to (bless them), but when you chat to other mummies it’s amazing when you discover that many times they feel exactly what you feel. And you’ll need that validation sometimes.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The sheer amount of responsibility that comes with being a mum. You now have to be a role model, a proper adult, and you are on duty 24/7. When your childless friends go to a Stone Roses gig so can you – only, you best not attend the after party, as coming home at 4am does really not work when you need to look after a sprightful baby from 12pm. Trust me. 

And if you thought you had little time before, you’ll be kicking yourself now. Tiredness is hard too – it makes you a lesser, more grey version of the original you, and sometimes it makes you look more negatively on life that you normally would.

The best parts of being a mother: Being able to say ‘that’s my daughter’. I am so proud of her and absolutely adore my little girl. And I will move heaven and earth to make sure that she will have everything she needs in her life. When Nova giggles and stretches her little arms out to me it makes it all worth it and I’d do it all over again a thousand times.


Has becoming a mother changed you?: It has changed everything. And I mean everything. I don’t feel, act or think like the Elisa I was before. Nova comes first now and I have adapted. Sometimes it makes me feel a lot more boring and less spontaneous, but for the most of it I utterly enjoy being Nova’s mummy. All the little things she does every day bring so much joy to me and even though it is hard work at times, once you are a mum you couldn’t imagine your life without them. What I didn’t expect or think about is having to get to know your close ones all over again – your parents and his parents as grandparents, your partner as a dad (or mum). It took some readjusting, but now, 10 months down the line I think we’ve figured it all out.

Hopes for your family: I just want us to be happy. I don’t expect and wouldn’t want perfection, but I’d like Nova to have a secure and happy childhood and watch her grow into a fabulous lady. And I want us all to stick together through thick and thin, for better and for worse. Cause it’ll be worth it!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Try your best to enjoy every moment you have with your little ones. A friend of mine recently posted this poem, and even though it’s incredibly cheesy it makes a really beautiful point:

“I won’t always cry, mummy, when you leave the room,
and my supermarket tantrums will end too soon.
I won’t always wake, daddy, for cuddles through the night,
& one day you will miss having a chocolate face to wipe.
You won’t always wake to find my foot is kicking you out of bed,or find me sideways on your pillow where you want to lay your head.
You won’t always have to carry me in asleep from the car
or piggyback me down the road when my little legs can’t walk that far.
So cherish every cuddle, remember them all,because one day, mummy, one day I won’t be this small.”