Ellie, Lucas, Aurora and Jake

Name: Ellie 

Children: Lucas, 4,  Aurora, 2, Jake, 2 - they are twins 

Location: Stockport

Expectations of Motherhood: Before I had Lucas, I planned to return to work after 6 months. I had a promising career in PR and communications and I didn't want to lose everything I'd worked hard for. I thought maternity leave would be so much fun - meeting new mum friends for coffee while my newborn slept peacefully in a pram. I anticipated I'd have time for hobbies, such as knitting and reading. I think my whole expectation of parenthood was based on films and TV programmes. 

Reality of Motherhood: It was like someone took the pieces of my life and threw them into the air - when they landed, my life was unrecognisable. 

When Lucas was born, I struggled to bond with him and by the time I had, I knew I wouldn't be ready to return to work as soon as I had planned. However, my post was made redundant when Lucas was 5 months old and after lots of discussion with my husband, I decided to put my career on hold and stay at home with our son. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made. 

Taking your children home for the first time: When we took Lucas home, I kept looking behind us, sure that a midwife would come and rescue him from his clueless parents. I couldn't believe we were allowed to walk out of hospital with him! At home, we all sat and stared at him sleeping in his Moses basket (first and last time). We had no idea what we should have been doing.

Our twins were born at home in a planned water birth, so there was no 'taking home'. It was still very surreal, but I loved being at home. We put Lucas to bed, ate pizza and drank champagne.

The best/worst advice: My dad once told me that his best parenting advice was 'fake it til you make it'. I was flabbergasted - he usually seemed to have it all together raising me as a single parent, but he was faking it! I always come back to that advice, and I think he was encouraging me to trust my instincts. 

I've had lots of poor advice, but the one thing I'm still cross about is the suggestion to buy a top and tail bowl. I cannot think of a more useless object to purchase.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The relentlessness. We have 3 children under 5; there is no break. We are always rushing, always on a knife-edge, and it is very difficult. For a long time I struggled with my new identity as a stay-at-home-parent. I now run 3 businesses and do some volunteer work, and this has helped me to feel like me again. Parenting is such a thankless job, isn't it?

The best parts of being a mother: My children. I sometimes sneak a glance at them and I cannot believe they are ours. They are little miracles, and watching them grow up is a magnificent gift. I feel incredibly lucky that we are happy, healthy, and financially secure. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? My priorities have changed. My family will always come first, and after being out of the workplace for 5 years, I cannot imagine returning. My previous job would have been hard to balance with a young family, and the truth is I like being there for school runs, school events, and playgroups. Some of my pre-children friends have found this hard to understand - I would have too before having my son. At the social enterprise that I run, we want to help parents to develop their skills and experience while raising young families, without sacrificing time with their children.

Hopes for your family: I hope they are, and continue to be, happy. I hope they always know how much we love them; how hard we try, even when we don't get it right. I hope they will come to us when they are struggling, and that we will be a safe space for them.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Talk about how you feel. You might think you're the only one feeling overwhelmed, but you aren't! We need to talk about how hard the transition to parent can be - it is life-changing in the truest sense of the phrase. 

Gemma, Jac and Lola

Name: Gemma Roberts

Children: Jac 3 years, 8 months and Lola, 16 months

Location: Prestwich

Expectations of Motherhood: My expectations of having a baby and being at home were that it would be much easier than being at work. I couldn't wait to finish work and go on maternity leave so that I could have a "break"(!) 

I knew that our lives were going to change, but I don't think I fully anticipated quite how big that change would be. I thought that I would be able to get things done around the house, cook nice meals for my Husband to come home to and that my baby would just sleep most of the time and although I'd be tired, this little person would bring us so much love and joy that it would all be ok. I was right about the love and joy part, but I was so naive about everything else!

Reality of Motherhood: We had a bit of a traumatic time with breastfeeding. Although I really wanted to breastfeed Jac, I knew he wasn't getting enough milk - he didn't have wet nappies, he wasn't settled and he was losing weight every time the Midwife came to see us. Despite knowing that he wasn't getting enough. and despite my best efforts, I felt incredibly pressured to continue trying to breastfeed. I felt so much pressure that I refused to give him formula; my Midwife fed Jac his first bottle of it, and I sat and watched and cried. At one point, I was double-pumping using a hospital grade pump, taking domperidone and fenugreek tablets, using a supplementary nursing system to feed Jac, and then topping up with a bottle. Once the feeding cycle had ended, it was time to start the process again. I knew that we couldn't go on like this - I just wasn't enjoying it. Gradually, I stopped the pumping etc and Jac was combi fed for around 6 months before being on formula completely. 

It was honestly like a massive weight had been lifted and I began to enjoy my baby after my Midwife had given him his first bottle. He began putting weight on and having wet nappies, and though I don't feel sad that breastfeeding didn't work out completely for us, it makes me feel sad that I felt such pressure that Jac had to suffer as a result. I think that all I wanted was for someone to tell me that it was ok to give him formula, as long as he is fed that is the main thing, but no-one did. Everyone just kept telling me that formula was so bad and that I just needed to persist with breastfeeding. 

Second time around, I wanted to give breastfeeding a go but my Husband and I decided that we didn't want to put ourselves through a horrific time again. When Lola was born, we tried again and when things started to follow the same path, we decided to supplement from a couple of days old. It worked for us and meant that I was able to breastfeed her and my Husband could get involved with the top-up bottles. I felt so much more confident in my choice, and we did what worked for us as a family and ignored judgment from anyone else. We combi fed again for 6 months, and I can honestly say that I am 100% happy with our choice and how things ended up. Jac and Lola are gorgeous, happy and healthy children and are our absolute everything - parenting isn't just about how you feed your babies, it's SO much more. I realise now that it doesn't matter how your baby is fed, as long as they are getting milk that is all that matters. 

Taking your children home for the first time: Both Jac and Lola were born at home (planned homebirths!) I was transferred in to Hospital with Jac after he was born as I'd had meconium in my waters. Everything was fine and we came home the next day. I remember getting him home, and bringing him in the House and wondering what we were supposed to do?! We put him in his moses basket and he slept for all of about ten minutes and then spent the rest of the night feeding and unsettled. It was a very long night and we were both exhausted! When Lola was born, although I had meconium in my waters again, we didn't get transferred in to the Hospital. After the Midwife had done her checks, helped me to have a bath and got us settled and comfy on the sofa, she left. We were sat on the sofa as a family of four, eating toast, drinking tea and watching CBeebies as if I hadn't just given birth in the dining room - it was so surreal! 

It was lovely being at home and having all our home comforts and not having to leave Jac - he was even there when his little sister was born! I would highly recommend home birth to anyone - so empowering and lovely not having to leave the house!

The best/worst advice: The best piece of advice that I received was to do what is right for me and my family - it's so true. What works for us might not work for someone else, and that's fine. One size definitely doesn't fit all. I haven't received much bad advice - just people telling me that we shouldn't do certain things like co-sleeping because we'll never get our bed back to ourselves, and generally providing their opinion on how we should parent. I'm quite resilient to it now I think and we just do things our way - we have two happy and healthy children, so we must be doing something right... I hope so anyway!

The hardest parts of being a mother: Aside from the difficulties we had with feeding in the beginning, I would say that sleep deprivation was one of the hardest things that we had to go through. Second time around, it was actually a lot easier to deal with as I don't think we'd quite recovered from the first time! Nothing could have prepared me for how tired we would be, and how the tiredness would make us really irritable and not really like each other! 

But it does get better, and they're both sleeping through the night now so we have our evenings back and although I wouldn't say I feel refreshed, I definitely feel more sane now that we get to have an uninterrupted night's sleep again! 

The best parts of being a mother: The overwhelming love that I feel for Jac and Lola is out of this world. They are my everything and I can't imagine life without them. I knew that I would love my babies, but quite how much, I don't think I knew! Before Lola was born, I didn't think I could love another child as much as Jac. How would that be possible? But it is, my heart just grew even bigger! (cheesy, sorry!) We have so much fun together and seeing the bond between them as siblings growing each day and seeing them have fun and laughing together is possibly one of the best feelings in the world. When I'm gone, knowing that they'll at least have each other is something special. I love the snuggles, seeing them reach new milestones and taking them out to experience things - everyone should try and see things through the eyes of a three year old, its amazing! Becoming a Mummy is the best thing I have ever done and it's a privilege to have Jac and Lola in my life. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: Definitely! I've learnt more about patience, strength and unconditional love in the last 3.8 years than I have in a lifetime! I am still the same old me, but Jac and Lola make me want to be a better person. I want to make them proud and my outlook on life has definitely changed. 

Hopes for your family: I hope that as Jac and Lola grow up they will continue to be caring, determined and happy individuals and that they follow and fight for their dreams. I want them to know that they can achieve anything that they want if they put their mind to it! I hope that we'll all continue to have as much fun as we have been having already and I can't wait to create even more magical memories with them. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Do what is right for you and your family. Don't feel pressured or judged by others just because your way is different. Be kind to yourself - we all have bad days - and a new day is a blank slate and a fresh start. Make sure you take time for yourself; have a bath, a cup of tea in peace or a walk. You can't fill everyone elses cup if your cup is empty. Even though it will seem like a mammoth effort to begin with, try and get out of the house with your baby every day. Even if it's just a walk around the block, fresh air does wonders. Make yourself get out to those baby groups - you might not feel like it, but if you're as lucky as me you'll make some of the best mummy friends that you could ever wish for and you can all help each other through the tough times.

Extra Info: I'm a helpline volunteer for PANDAs (Pre and post natal depression advice and support). We take phone calls from mums, dads or concerned family members. They're a really fabulous charity. To contact them go to http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/   Tel: 0843 28 98 401 

Liz and Robin

Name: Liz Postlethwaite

Child: Robin, 8 months

Location: Whitefield

Expectations of motherhood: When I found out that I was going to have a baby I was delighted and excited, but I tried not to think too much beyond my pregnancy. I wanted to try and enjoy that as an experience in itself as much as I could. And planning ahead meant I felt like I couldn't focus properly on the task in hand of growing and birthing my baby. I also anticipated that being a mama was going to change my life hugely in ways that would be hard to imagine until they actually happened, so rather than trying to look forward and pin hopes on future aspirations and expectations I took the approach of appreciating each moment as it came, whether positive or negative, and trying as hard as I could to relish the ride.

Reality of motherhood: Wow! It's hard to express really.

The feeling of everything being the same and different simultaneously.I am still the same person but my world is transformed. My priorities are totally different, and so are my responsibilities. And on a practical level, whatever I was expecting, it is really hard work! It never stops and regardless of other intentions everything else now has to slot in that little, new person who has come into my life.

Now that he is a bit older there is a little more room for manoeuvre but in those early newborn days it took my breath away how this new person was so absolutely dependant on me. A huge challenge but also a huge privilege and adventure.

Taking your child home for the first time: When I found out that I was pregnant homebirth was always at the back of my mind but I thought as a first time mama it probably wouldn't be possible for me. Then on our first midwife appointment our brilliant midwife offered it as a birthing option just like any other. Her confidence and positivity absolutely normalised the idea for us and, after some discussion, my partner and I agreed that homebirthwas the way we would like to have our baby.

Through our midwife's support I was lucky enough to birth my son naturally in our bedroom at home. A truly magical and empowering experience that I will always be grateful to her for. Once Robin arrived our midwives stayed for a couple of hours, then they left and it was just us together in our house. It was so surreal that when Jo came home from work because my waters had broken a matter of hours before we had been two, and now we were three.

Being at home for the duration gave me an immense sense of nesting and that felt so natural and normal. We didn't have to move anywhere and for the first 36 hours we all cuddled up in the bedroom together getting to know each other. This sense of calm and continuity was something I had really hoped for and, despite the tiredness and the undeniable upheaval that comes with a new born, it was a blissful, special time.

Robin has always been a calm and relaxed soul and I am convinced this is, at least in part, due to the gentle way that he came into the world.

The best/worst advice: Not bad advice as such, but when I was pregnant it felt as though this gave people the liberty to offload their own pregnancy / birth / parenthood stories on me. As a first time mama I found that really unhelpful so took to stopping them in their tracks and stating clearly that hearing their story was not currently useful to me.

And the best? I read in one book that "nobody ever regrets cuddling their baby too much" and that is so, so true.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The fact that it is absolutely unrelenting - it never stops! As he gets older I get more used to this but when he was tiny the new rhythm of life took some getting used to. There really is no downtime and at times when he was newborn I felt like I would have given anything for someone to take him off my hands so my partner and I could take a breath. As a breastfeeding mum I felt this particularly keenly as he has always fed a lot. Taking any time away from him has been impossible. I feel we have forged a brilliant partnership, but the intensity of that hasn't always been easy.

Before I had Robin I was a freelance theatre director, and that aspect of my life is now turned on its head in many respects. Much of the work I used to do simply isn't possible anymore. And childcare arrangements for freelancers are not for the fainthearted. I still haven't figured how that is going to work, but I'm enjoying being a mama at the moment so am not trying to think about it too much right now.

The best parts of being a mother: The love - there is so much of it for this little person. It's a wonderful, overwhelming thing.

And the discovery of my child, who has come into the world a distinctive person in his own right. It is an absolute pleasure getting to know him and figuring out what makes them tick. I hadn't anticipated how bold my son's individuality would be right from the off.

Lastly it is a great thing to see my partner become a papa, and to see him flourish in that role. It is a wonderful thing to watch the relationship between him and his son grow stronger by the day.

Has becoming a mother changed you? Yes and no. I feel like the same person, but in birthing my son I feel stronger, and more able to take things on. At the same time I can feel more vulnerable and protective - that I want to keep the bad things in the world away from my him. At times the world feels so much more fraught and complicated than it did before. At other times in when I am absorbed in the act of being a mama it feels like the world is simpler, smaller, and less complicated in the fulfilment of this natural act of love.

Hopes for your family: That we can spend as many happy and healthy times together as we possibly can. And that Jo and I can support our son to find his way in the world with both courage and kindness.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Try not to expect anything. Just take each thing as it comes and embrace it because these are the happy days that you will look back on fondly in years to come. And enjoy the ride however chaotic it may be because wherever it takes you it is the most glorious adventure.

Laurie, Oscar and Erika

 Name: Laurie 

Children and ages: Oscar, 2 years 9 months and Erika, 4 months

Location: Ramsbottom

Previous blog entry: http://www.the-mothers.co.uk/2013/10/laurie-and-oscar.html

Life since the last blog post: We have acquired a lot more toys and I think if I ever went on Mastermind, my specialist subject would be Thomas the Tank Engine. 

After a year of working part-time, I changed back to full-time and then discovered I was pregnant. 

Then of course, there’s been the arrival of our baby girl, Erika Sophie. My job - working with perpetrators of domestic abuse - since having children has proved more challenging than usual at times; perhaps because I see the world differently now I have a greater responsibility to protect my little people.

Motherhood since last being on the blog: It took me quite a while to get to grips with being a mummy in some ways. Although I think I managed practically really well, my emotions took a while to catch up and the change in lifestyle took a while to adapt to too. Although having two children is a lot busier and more stressful at times, it’s definitely been easier second time around! 

Oscar, and now Erika, continue to astound me and I’m ridiculously proud of the smallest things. As he’s become older and changes and develops more, Oscar challenges me in different ways and I’ve spent a lot of time recently reflecting on my behaviour (when I feel like he’s driving me insane!) and constantly have to remind myself that he’s 2 and I’m 33. He’s allowed to not be able to control his emotions. I’m not!

Although I say that having a second child is easier than the first, it has brought new challenges. I breastfed Oscar easily for about 10 months and it didn’t even occur to me that I might have problems the second time around. But I did, and it was horrific – for the whole family. I had a lot of nipple trauma and several infections, was expressing night and day, attempting to cup and bottle feed (breast feeding directly in the early days was impossible) then it was discovered that Erika had a tongue-tie. The pain was incredible, but not being able to cuddle Oscar or Erika properly and the endless medical appointments slowly and relentlessly chipped away at me. I had to catch myself and remember how lucky I was to have a happy, healthy baby, even though it all felt so terrible at the time.

On reflection it probably would have been beneficial to everyone if I’d have stopped trying to breastfeed much earlier, but in the end I managed to do it, albeit with nipple shields, for 3 months. Just before Christmas, we found Erika wasn’t putting on weight quickly enough and my GP advised a bottle of formula a day. I stopped breast-feeding her as it was at the point where I wasn’t able to give her everything she needed, so the decision was easier as it felt like it had been taken out of my hands. She’s a lovely big fatty now and I’m significantly happier and really enjoying her (and I think I’m being a much better mummy to Oscar too). It is amazing how utterly determined I was to feed her despite all the problems. I guess we’re just pre-programmed to not let anything stop us feeding our babies.

On a positive note, I had a lovely experience of labour this time as I had a home birth. I really didn’t want to have to be induced like the last time, so when I was 4 days overdue I walked up a local hill to get things moving. It worked! Erika arrived the next day. It was very quick and straight-forward (although I was pretty distraught to discover the tube for the gas and air had been left at the hospital!). It arrived eventually luckily. It was so nice to shower at home and get into my own bed with my husband and new baby after it all. The midwives were amazing; supportive and kind and they cleaned everything up and left us to get to know each other. I would really recommend a home birth to anyone considering it. 

Has motherhood changed you?: Motherhood has forced me to change in certain ways. For example, you can’t be selfish. I don’t mean in a negative way, but that it’s rare to be able to put yourself first as a mother. I think overall I am happier since having my children. I don’t know if that’s changed me at all although perhaps I have a different outlook on life now; I feel very lucky to have two healthy, happy children.

Hardest parts of being a mother: Generally, day to day it’s a harder life as you never stop! There always seems to be something to do, a nappy to change, lunch to make... train track to build! Being ill is hard when you’ve got small children too. There have been times when all I’ve wanted is to get into bed and stay there for a day or two but you just can’t – I’m on call 24/7.

Best parts of being a mother: They are MINE! The smiles meant only for me because out of everyone in whole world, they need and want 

me. Those tiny hands on my face or arms around my neck; the small things that are huge. I also love the feeling of being part of a family unit. It’s the best thing I’ve done in my life. 

What you wish you’d known before having children: Actually, I think I’m glad I didn’t know how hard it could be at times; not that it would have put me off but because there’s no point in worrying about what might be. I think first time around it would have been nice to know that when it does get hard, that it’s always a phase and that there’ll be something new and different, be it difficult or wonderful just around the corner.

I wish I’d be told all the answers to being a good mother – but I doubt anyone will ever know that!

Any more advice for mothers and expectant mums: I’m not sure what I said last time, but what I find myself to saying to lots of mums is that they know best. No-one knows your child like you, so trust yourself and you’ll be fine. Also, don’t expect too much of yourself too soon after having a baby. Take time, let people help you and try to enjoy being in the baby bubble. 

Janet, Bess and Teddy

Name: Janet 

Children: Bess, 3 years 2 months at time of the photographs, (4 yrs at time of writing.)
Teddy, 5 mths at time of the photographs. (2 years at time of writing) 

Location: Levenshulme.

Expectations of Motherhood: With Bess I expected a home birth. With Teddy I expected a C-section. I expected them both to arrive early, I expected that I would breast feed for as long as possible, use cotton nappies and wear my babies until they were too big and that I would raise them as vegetarians. I had taught for many years before having babies, so I expected to find behaviour management at home a piece of cake. I also thought that, aside from having a baby, my social circle and support network would remain pretty much the same even though I wouldn’t be going out and about as much. I had been a ‘hands on’ aunty so I expected to manage the practical side of parenting quite well. I expected to be quite tired, but also knew I was about to meet the loves of my life.

Reality of Motherhood: I managed 26 hours of my first labour at home, but Bess had her head in a very silly position so I was taken in to St. Mary’s where, after 33 hours of giving it my best shot, I had an emergency section. The new hospital had opened that week and so Bess was one of the first babies born by section there. The staff were amazing! She was alb 11oz. 

With Teddy I was told I could try for a natural birth. I wanted to give it a go, but secretly thought I wouldn’t succeed. Much to my surprise – and terror – and pride! - my beautiful 9lb 5 0z baby boy arrived (with just a little bit of help from the forceps) after fifteen hours of labour. Both of them arrived late but in perfect time. Bess was ten days late, but she arrived the day before her teacher-daddy broke up for the summer holidays, and Teddy arrived 13 days late on the first Saturday of the Easter holidays.

Both of them attached to my boob within the first twenty minutes of life and have yet to completely let go. Bess never wore a disposal nappy and at two years old Teddy is following her record. I wore Bess in the sling as soon as my section scar allowed me to (up until I became pregnant with Mr. Teds), and I still wear Teddy on my back when I can. Both of them are vegetarian and Bess is really proud that she is.

I have learned that managing the behaviour of 31 children in a classroom is nothing compared to managing the behaviour of a headstrong, challenging, amazingly intelligent little girl who has a temper and can argue that black is white (and frequently does) and an equally strong willed, physically strong little boy. My husband and I often wonder what the children we have taught would make of the way these children of ours can play us!

Whilst I still have regular contact with some of my closest pre-baby friends, my social circle and support network is unrecognisable from those days. Through the baby groups I joined as a new mummy I met the most amazing group of people. From this time we have forged incredibly strong friendships with people that I cannot imagine ever being without. 

I think I did manage the practical side of being a mummy quite well in the early days. With Bess we did try and battle her into sleep routines and sleeping alone, even though my instincts told me this wasn’t right for our family. By the time Teddy came along we had researched the whole co-sleeping thing and had a much easier time of it. As for feeling tired- I didn’t know that level of tiredness was possible! I was 38 when Bess arrived and 41 when I had Teddy. I felt every one of those years and more when they were tiny. I still feel about 100 years old now. I am incredibly lucky to have a husband who regularly gives up his sleep and does a lot of the night time / early morning shifts; I seriously don’t know how I’d manage if he didn’t. However, along with the exhaustion came a strength that I never knew I possessed. A strength and a love that is so raw that it can overwhelm me and actually physically hurt at times. It is a love that is primal. I knew in theory that I would love my children, but, until I felt them moving inside me and then held them in my arms, I didn’t have a clue just how intense love could be.

Taking your children home for the first time: I remember crying when the midwife asked me if I wanted to go home with Bess. I really wanted to bring her home, but I felt that those few days in the hospital were so precious and special. I didn’t want them to end. We were brought home by Bess’ wonderful Godmother, who drove so carefully and refused to come in the house when we got back as this was our time. I had this big plan that we would open a bottle of fizz and eat Brie to celebrate. I don’t know what happened with the cheese, but we did open some fizz and raised a glass over the Moses basket. I was so tired and weak, having just had major surgery, I could hardly hold the glass, but I was determined to toast my baby.

After that we had visitors and helpers every single day for about five weeks. It was lovely to see people and show off our girl, but exhausting and overwhelming. In the end we had to start putting people off just so we could have some time getting settled as a family.

With Teddy I was eager to get home. I still loved the precious time in the hospital, but I had a two year old little girl missing me at home. We were very keen to get their relationship off to the best start possible and didn’t want to do anything that might cause resentment from Bess to her new brother. 

Bringing Ted home was a totally different experience to the first time with Bess. I was in a lot more discomfort this time and came home expecting the whole, ‘I’m a new mummy, and therefore a Goddess’ treatment. However, life with a 2 year old stops for no one. Bess still needed feeding, bath time, bedtime etc. All this was done by my husband, who hadn’t really had any rest since being by my side through childbirth. So when she was finally asleep he just needed to sleep too, ready for the night time joy a new baby brings. We didn’t have as many visitors for Teddy, but those that came were amazing. They bought food parcels or entertained Bess or made me cups of tea. It was also quite nice not to be bombarded by visitors. I had a lot more bonding and cuddling time with Teddy than I had with Bess in those first few weeks.

The best/worst advice: The two best pieces of advice I received were from my sister. She said that the only kit you really need with a new baby are your boobs and a cardboard box, and that as long as you feed them, clean them and love them you’ll do ok.

The two worst pieces of advice were: ‘ You want to stop that breast feeding habit’ and ‘Don’t worry when you drop your baby, everybody does at some point’ (!!!) 

(I never did drop them by the way, but Bess did roll off the changing table at 7 months and fell down the stairs last year)

The hardest parts of being a mother: I once read that loving your children is like having a permanent open wound. It is.

After I had Bess, although I was so thrilled to have this longed-for baby who I was absolutely smitten with, I also carried with me and underlying feeling of fury. I was particularly grumpy and angry with certain friends from my pre-baby days. None of these people had done anything to deserve this. I was also incredibly anxious about Bess’ safety. There were times when I refused to sleep because I was convinced something bad would happen to her if I did. I couldn’t watch the news, read anything that involved a child being unhappy, and absolutely refused to leave her with anyone that wasn’t me or my husband. This lasted to some degree or another until I fell pregnant with Teddy. I thought it was normal.

When Teddy arrived my feeling of fury returned tenfold. How my husband coped with my temper in those early weeks is beyond me. This time however, I mentioned how I was feeling to my doctor at my eight week check; I turned out I was suffering from postnatal anxiety and massive hormone imbalances. Because I didn’t feel depressed, just bloody furious, I didn’t recognise what I was experiencing. My wonderful doctor got me on tablets. I had some counselling and am happy to say that it got sorted. Yes I still worry about the children. But in a less bonkers way.

The thing I find most difficult, now the children are older, is the behaviour management. I was raised in quite a volatile environment, and my husband and I didn’t want this for our children. I'm trying very hard to practice a positive parenting approach. I believe that a child acts up because there is some need that isn’t being met. Therefore I don’t want to withdraw my love, with the naughty step or time out, when they need it most. I also don’t want to drum absolute obedience into them as I don’t think blind obedience is very good for anyone. I am trying to set boundaries and limits with unconditional love, and by example. However, this approach does not come naturally to me and sometimes it is really, really hard. I spend a lot of time feeling like a failure! We must be doing something right, though, as Bess is apparently beautifully behaved at school with lovely manners and lots of friends.

The best parts of being a mother: Oh my word! Despite it all, I love being a mummy! As I have previously mentioned, the friends I have found since becoming a mummy are amazing! Both my children amaze me and make me laugh every day. I cannot believe that two such beautiful, funny, crazy and clever little people come from me!

When I woke up the other morning and told Teddy I loved him, he replied, 'I love you too mummy’. Sometimes he calls for me at night time before I have gone to bed, and when I go in the room his laugh and smile at seeing me melts my heart. As I was writing this he was suddenly next to me saying, ‘pider, pider,’ and I looked down to see he was holding a little spider he'd found in the garden! (We promptly returned it to the garden and it scuttled away no worse for its ordeal!). I particularly love how Teddy adores and copies his sister and how she protects him and tries to help him.

Bess makes me so proud every day. She is a really clever little girl. She loves to read and use new words. Today on a walk she said to me, ‘We are close to the pond, but I am assuming it shan’t be frozen.’ She’s 4! Her teachers love her and she has loads of friends. Even her strong willed stubborn episodes, though hard work, are something that makes me proud. I am trying very hard not to suppress that side of her. I think it will come in handy when she’s changing the world.


I love how they adore their daddy. Watching my husband dress up as a pirate and organise a treasure hunt around the living room with his mini pirate crew is one of my favourite ways to spend a Saturday morning.

I love that we are a family. I love that just a simple time like bath time can become an event with bubbles and songs. Everything is an adventure since the children arrived. They fill each day with joy and I love them.

How has Being a mother changed you? As cheesy as it sounds, I feel that I have found myself through Motherhood. I am so fulfilled now. I used to be someone who wouldn’t speak up in staff meetings and apologized a lot. Since having children I have lead a baby singing session when it’s funding was cut and I have told our M.P in person, and in writing, just why children’s services are so important. I have questioned health proffessionals. I have become the Ambassador Co-ordinator for the charity Nelly Globe. Perhaps most amazingly I rediscovered my love of baking and cake decorating and have now set up a small cake business that I run from home. I honestly believe that had I not had children I would never have found the confidence to do these things.

I am learning and growing, as a person, as much as my children are. Being a parent is a very healing experience.

Hopes for your family: My biggest hope is that we all remain healthy and happy and continue to follow our dreams. I also really hope that my attempts to practice positive discipline pay off as the children grow. I hope they know, that whatever challenges face them in life, they can come to us for help and advice without fear of recrimination. I hope we can have open discussions about the big things they may face. I really hope they go through their entire lives knowing they are very loved and very loveable. 


What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? I am a great believer in breastfeeding, baby wearing and co sleeping, so I want to advise all of that. However I know it’s not for everyone. I think every parent needs to educate themselves to some degree about caring for their baby, but also to follow their own instincts. What may be right for my family may not be right for yours, so do what feels right for you. They are small for such a short time, so enjoy your baby. If you feel something isn’t quite right emotionally speak to your gp; it’s completely normal and they can give you help that will make the world of difference. Go to baby groups. It may be a bit daunting at first, but everyone knows that feeling and you will make friends. Don’t worry about baby weight. It comes off eventually (though not in my pictures). Nine months on nine months off worked for me. Oh and during childbirth accept the drugs, lots of them. Pethedine is marvellous stuff.

Extra info: It has taken me eighteen months to answer these questions. I have assumed that one day Bess and Teddy will read this, so I really wanted it to be a perfect love letter to them. My desire for perfection made me freeze. Then I realised, it will never be perfect, I will never be a perfect mother. I do believe that my children are the perfect children for me though. As long as my very long answers get some of that across to them, I’m happy. At last. 

Jess, Evelyn, Rosina and Polly

Name: Jess 

Children: Evelyn 6, Rosina 2, Polly 10 months

Location: Levenshulme, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I am incredibly lucky to have older siblings who all have ace partners. All of them had children before I did and my mum was so overjoyed when the first Grandchild Alasdair came along 11 years ago. She insisted we all leave work and sit in the Hospital canteen until he arrived (Polly was the last of 15 Grandchildren and I think I sent a text, and nobody came to visit!!). 

I spent alot of time watching my brothers and their partners and learned loads. I wasn't scared to have Evelyn passed to me when she was born and from that minute it felt right. That's not to say the sleeplessness wasn't hard, or I didn't panic when they got spots, but I didn't feel anxious as a new mum. I wrote a birth plan the first time round, afterwards realising it was probably made into paper aeroplanes by the Midwives - I didn't bother again after my 1st.  

Sadly when I was pregnant the second time my beautiful Mum died from kidney cancer. She saw the 12 week scan picture and sobbed. I can't imagine how heartbroken she must have felt knowing she would never meet the baby. She was one of my best friends and an amazing role model: calm, patient, tolerant and compassionate. Ironically my 2nd child is the most like her in looks. My expectations of being a Mum involved having her around to watch my children grow up. Without her, it is all quite alot harder.

Reality of Motherhood: I am always 2 weeks overdue; my third baby was 16 days late. I felt more confident the more children I had to fight against induction. I do believe that babies pay no heed to dates and come when they are ready. I am very lucky to have felt an immediate bond with each child when they were born, but I know lots of my friends who didn't. I am pretty sure that helped in getting us off to the right start. 

I thought I knew alot about having children, but the relentlessness of some of it is something you don't know until you have your own children. There is a constant demand for time, attention, food, comfort and (at the moment) I have very little time for my own space. I grew up in a big family with lots of people around all the time so I do like chaos and noise, but I also appreciate peace the older I get! Also as my children have got older, I realise that the baby/toddler stage can be tough, but actually negotiating the world, life, death, morals, rights and wrongs as the children grow up is tricky too. Evelyn has asked a lot of questions about death and how unfair it is to die if people still want you to be alive. All important questions, but when you are tired and grieving they are very hard questions to answer.

Taking your children home for the first time: They were 3 very different experiences. Evelyn came home to a tidy house which was prepared for a new baby, Rosina was born into water in the dining room (on purpose, not by accident!) and Polly came home to 2 big sisters, a house full of toys and adventure, and we both had to hit the ground running. I do remember bringing Ev home and my husband saying it was like being allowed to fall in love all over again (though he'd deny it if you asked him now!). I love the first few weeks with a new baby; there is a sense of calm in our house because the baby has arrived and it's all OK. Then things calm down and gently return to as it was before.

The best/worst advice: I remember one Midwife visiting after I'd had Evelyn and telling me my sofa 'might have looked nice in the catalogue but it was awful for breastfeeding'. She happened to be the Midwife who turned up for my 2nd home birth and was so 'old school' I loved her, she let me labour in peace and let me trust my body. It has taken me 37 years to realise and accept that you can't compare any life experiences with anyone, ever. Every parent and every child is different, if you take advice, do just that, take it, say thank you and get on with what you were doing.

 

The hardest parts of being a mother: At the moment (and I do know this is temporary) I struggle making time for myself. I put everyone else's needs first and that means I often feel exhausted and want to sit in a dark room on my own and rock gently!  Having 3 with a relatively small gap also means that the youngest are both still quite dependant; 2 sets of nappies, lack of sleep etc. That is tough. I also found that on occasion I get embroiled in a 'I'm more tired' argument with my Husband. I have honestly never had a boss or employer who worked me as hard as children do. It is full on, non-stop 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and at times, exhausting. Somedays I fall into bed realising that I have needed the loo/drink for hours and haven't managed to.

The best parts of being a mother: Well, this is bit that makes it all worth it..the fun, laughter, mess, chaos, kisses, cuddles, the smell of their heads.. all of it. I spend my days with 3 people who have a sense of inquisitiveness and excitement at the opening of a box. I go swimming with Evelyn and its like being 6 again. I blow raspberries on Rosina's belly and the noise she makes would cheer the heaviest heart. They are learning and growing every day and I am excited to see who they grow into and what sense they make of the world. My Mum didn't live in the past and talk about us as children a lot, she enjoyed us at every stage of our lives and I want to do the same.  As amazing as babies are, watching Polly learn to clap, Rosina learn to climb a ladder, Evelyn learn to swim under water is all as thrilling and life-enhancing.  I feel very privileged to call them my children.

Has becoming a mother changed you? I'm not really sure. I always wanted to be a Mum so I feel like I now have the brood I always wanted. I've never really spent lots of money on clothes or been glamorous,  so the yoghurt/snot/Weetabix/sick all over my clothes by 7.35am doesn't bother me. I don't drink as much, or make my mates stay up until the small hours drinking whisky and talking nonsense, so I'm sure they are pleased about that. My best chum Gemma said she thinks I've managed to stay me throughout 3 kids, so I'll take that as a compliment (and she benefits from me wanting a cup of tea before midnight and not tequila shots..).

Hopes for your family: I do try and be mindful and live in the here and now. If I'd have had any hopes for our future it would have been that my Mum were here to meet the children and give me a hand, and she isn't. 

My only hopes are that they can steer their own path through life, appreciate life for what it is and that if and when they have any sadness, they can still see how amazing life is and find something to make them smile.  I know they will be interesting, bright and caring women and I am very excited to watch them grow up. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I would try not to be presumptuous that my advice would work for anyone other than me (!) but if I were to meet myself before children, or if my children ever ask, I'd say 5 things: 1. Get sleep whenever you can, 2. Accept help 3. Be confident that what you are doing is right 4. If you are going to read *any* books, make it Stand and deliver by Emma Mahony, any Dr Sears books and The Incredible years by Carolyn Webster Stratton 5. Nobody else is doing it better than you, they just say they are..