Rebecca and Grace (and Ruby)

Name: Rebecca

Children: Grace 23 months and 7 months pregnant with second baby girl called Ruby

Location: Bolton

Expectations of Motherhood: My expectations of Motherhood second time around are much more realistic than they were with my first born. One word sums me up in terms of my expectations with our first born...naive! Looking back I think I walked around in a rose coloured daze, not quite fully taking on board well meaning words of warning about exhaustion, and upheaval in every possible sense. I listened only to the good stuff about being in love with your baby from the very start, spending hours gazing at the little wonder you had created, and the beauty of the warmth and scent of your little newborn. All of which were absolutely true for me, but also in the real world, so was the rest of it.

My naivety seemingly knew no bounds, from believing that conception would be a piece of cake right through to carefully choosing matching pyjamas/dressing gown/slippers and organic toiletries for my hospital time, oh and not forgetting my own 'going home outfit' (!!!!). In reality, I actually spent the whole time post birth unwashed due to needing a second epidural for my stitches (baby wipe washing doesn't count) in a lovely pale green hospital gown and returned home in the clothes that I wore when I arrived at the hospital!

When my husband and I decided to try for a baby, my stage one naivety kicked in. I genuinely believed that once we had made the decision to try for a baby, things would just happen, we were young and healthy, so why wouldn't things work for us? Huge reality check needed here.

It took my husband and I 5 years to conceive our first born Grace, and during this time we had both been through the emotional roller coaster and absolute heartache that accompanies fertility treatments, including failed IVF. It wasn't until we were due to start another round of IVF that we found out I was pregnant the night before treatment started!! What a crazy and exciting Sunday night that turned out to be!!

And so my stage 2 naivety began...the White Company illusion. I perused catalogue images of beautiful white and soft grey nurseries with babies dressed in fresh white cotton and Mother's looking serene dressed in luxury cashmere of dove grey. Surely this is what it will be like when Gracie arrives, so I'll take one of everything please. Pah!! Wrong, wrong, wrong! What's even more ridiculous is that I have friends who had already had babies by then, and whilst their lives were wonderful, and they are all strong accomplished women and mothers, they certainly didn't waft around Earth Mother style in floaty white linen dresses!

Stage three naivety kicked in when I wrote my birthing plan. This turned out to be an exercise in opposites! The expectation of a drug free, relaxing water birth was most definitely wrong again!! And I salute any woman who has managed to achieve it. 

My expectations second time around are much more realistic. This time, I have experience on my side and hopefully a little wisdom that has been born out of my airhead naive approach systematically failing first time around! 

This time, however my naivety of the birth has been replaced a little with fear, as my birth with Grace certainly didn't go to plan and there were elements of that time that still haunt me. I'm fearful that things might go wrong again, however I am more self assured that my body and mind are firmly set in reality this time. I gave birth to our beautiful Grace last time with unexpected curve balls, so I can do it again this time with a little experience in my corner. 

When our little Ruby is born we will be parents to a 2 year old and a newborn, so obviously I am concentrating on everyone who is telling me that having children with such an age gap is great! No problems to anticipate here! Surely, having a new born and a toddler at the same time is going to be an absolute doddle. Now where is that White Company magazine, as I'm sure I saw a lovely white linen dress that I could wear coming home from the hospital?!! (Seriously, there's no hope for me).

Reality of Motherhood:  That's it is wonderful, exhausting, trying, scary, and the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

Everyday Motherhood brings me a new challenge and a new joy. Our Daughter is an absolute gift and I adore spending my time with her. Being a Mother has taught me that I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be, but that it's also ok to ask for help. I've learned that some days, you just have to work those food smears into a fashion statement and that it's ok to dry shampoo your hair for the third day running!!

Taking your child home for the first time:  Bringing Grace home felt like a double edged sword as we were so excited to bring our gorgeous baby home, however within 24 hours we had to readmit her into hospital as she had become dehydrated and had low blood sugar levels, due to breastfeeding not working. Talk about feeling like an absolute failure!

After a further 24 hours in hospital, we finally brought Grace home properly and thankfully after that all was well. I just had to learn and accept that it was more than ok that breastfeeding hadn't worked, so out came the breast pumps and the stage of the milking mama began!!


My naivety really hit home in respect of how I just hadn't prepared mentally for the first few weeks after giving birth. I think that because we had spent such a long time trying for our little miracle, I felt that I couldn't be honest with myself and those around me, that actually, in those early weeks, I was struggling emotionally. It didn't help that my labour had been a little traumatic and long and I was exhausted from 3 days sleep deprivation before our Princess had even been born. This coupled with Grace and I being unable to breastfeed, and her having to be readmitted to hospital all compounded the hormonal struggle that is the baby blues. Thankfully, this stage was over quickly, but I certainly wish that I had prepared better for this reality of early Motherhood that can momentarily cloud the joy of being at home with your newborn. 

The best/worst advice: Interestingly, some of the best and worst advice came in the form of the same sentence "Trust your instincts." What bloody instincts?!?! Despite reading every damn baby book going, I still felt woefully unprepared for all the curve balls newborns throw at you, and if an answer to my questions couldn't be found by flicking manically through 'What to Expect' or after a crazy google search which often resulted in me being momentarily convinced that either myself and/or Grace had contracted some kind of tropical disease in urban Bolton, I would spiral into a mini melt down and take Grace to the walk in centre, where I fear I may now be at risk of being listed as a Munchausen syndrome by proxy mother!!

Thankfully, I have been surrounded by wonderful calmer women who have done all this before, and were there to tell me to stop being crazy and all was fine, and actually, as our Daughter grew and we grew to know her, those instincts strangely did kick in, and I now consider myself part witch with my amazing mother senses!!  

One mother friend gave me some really sound advice which was firstly, to stop reading all the stupid baby books and secondly to try and carve some time for yourself and your husband, as it's easy to let this slip by whilst you adjust to being in your new roles of Mummy and Daddy. 

Finding time to be a couple has been a challenge at times, especially in those early months, when in reality you may be eating together, or cuddling on the sofa but neither of you are quite present in the moment, and are simply trying not to fall asleep on one another, or hit each other over the head with a pan because one of you has woken the baby by mistake! Thankfully after those first few crazy months, we made a conscious effort to make some proper time for each other, and I consider myself to be the luckiest woman in the world to have such a wonderful husband, when I'm not imagining his head popping off because he can't seem to change a nappy without asking me to help of course!! 

One friend also advised me to take a photograph of my vagina and stick it on the fridge, as it would never ever look the same again! This advice had me in hysterics when I first heard it, however after a ventouse delivery and a 3rd degree tear, I wish I had taken a little more heed of what she was saying. Not sure visitors to the house would have appreciated the addition to the family pics though!!

The hardest parts of being a mother:  As a mother you are literally non stop all day every day. Even when Grace has gone to bed, I'm not switched off from her. I'm still reading the baby and toddler books (sorry friend who told me to ditch them), trying to understand the developmental stages, or finding new ways to encourage her to eat different foods, or generally worrying about whether I'm doing a good enough job. This relentlessness is tiring emotionally and physically and I don't know when I'll ever feel fully refreshed again! I asked my Nanna this once and she said in about 20 years!! Honest, but brutal advice!!

The best parts of being a mother:  Everything! Cliched I know, but even the most challenging days can bring you out the other side having learned something about yourself. The pure joy that your child brings you makes everything worth it. Watching your family grow is a gift and one that I never thought I would have, so I treasure it with my whole heart. Watching my family grow and the new roles we have all taken makes me a very proud woman.

Has becoming a mother changed you?  Yes, in every way. I am stronger, more self-assured (well at least I am now after my crazy first few months of being a new Mother), I take less shit and love harder than I ever thought possible. I'm also a bit more brain dead, as I don't think baby brain has ever left me, and now I have it again!! I've also become braver, and feel like my life's priorities are starting to be in the right order. After having Grace, and my maternity leave came to an end, I made the difficult decision not to return to my work in Insolvency, but instead took a leap of faith and embarked on starting a photography career, which enables me to finally be creative, and is something which can allow me to spend quality time with my children, and gives me the creative outlet that I've needed for a long time.

I am still me - Bec, and I am still Bec the wife, the friend, the daughter, the granddaughter, the sister, the niece, the auntie... but I am also Bec the mother and this additional role in my life has brought me rewards that I never thought were possible. 


Hopes for your family: To safely bring our new Daughter Ruby into the world and enjoy watching her and our family grow and blossom. What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Don't be tough on yourself. Motherhood is hard, but it's also wonderful, and you are doing a great job. Ask for help when you need it, stock up your freezer, and it's ok to wear pjs all day and just gaze at the wonder that is your newborn, oh and buy lots of dry shampoo!!

Also, never read the Wonder Weeks - totally terrifying thunder clouds, and maybe consider taking that photograph...as it really doesn't look the same afterwards!! 

Rebecca Royle is a photographer based in Bolton, Greater Manchester and specialises in children and family photography. Her website can be found at www.rebeccaroylephotography.co.uk

Lindsey and Henry

Name: Lindsey Bowers

Child: Henry, 2 (and 6 months pregnant with a girl)

Location: Didsbury, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I had visions of my life pretty much continuing as it had before. We'd still go out for lovely meals, but with either a sleeping baby or a patient, well behaved child sitting and eating with us. Being one of those families you see at the park or the pub beer garden in summer with a cute cooing baby or toddler running around. Life as normal, just with a new addition!

I think in my mind I'd just added a baby into all the fun,happy situations and activities we did. What could be so hard about that?

Reality of Motherhood: I honestly don't think I considered the flip side to the new arrival. Like, what do you do to occupy yourselves on the wet, windy weekends now there is a child too? I don't think Henry would appreciate Gossip Girl box sets or long pub lunches as much as me. Also what happens when you're ill, or worse still, you're all ill, and all you want is to sleep, but you have to be a mother first?

Saying that, the reality is much better than my expectations. I didn't expect to love my child as much as I do. Such emotion and protection for one thing seemed impossible before. 

Life is funnier now too! I spend a lot of my time with Henry, laughing. Seeing him experience new things for the first time is a joy and getting to enjoy things like Christmas with children around is the best.

It's hard, extremely tiring and trying at times, but 100% worth it.

Taking your child home for the first time: Henry was a little bit small when he was born so we had to stay in for the first night to check he could maintain his temperature. It was the last place I wanted to be and was very tired and emotional when my husband Dave had to go home. When we were given the green light to leave the next afternoon, I was so excited to get back. Dave's dad came to collect us, but forgot the car seat so we couldn't leave until he'd been back for it. That was the longest time! It was wonderful to get back that evening and spend our first night at home with Henry, both completely clueless as to what we were supposed to do with him - a feeling which lasted a long time! 

The best/worst advice: We found as soon as I fell pregnant with Henry, that once you have a baby you're seemingly fair-game to be given all manner of (mainly) unsolicited advice. You're told what to feed them, how to feed them, where they should sleep, how much you should hold them. You simply HAVE to try this routine, that book, don't give them a dummy, make sure you swaddle etc, etc. The list is endless, but you come to realise that no one has all the right answers. There is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to raising children and you can feel swamped with the thoughts and theories of others.

So, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I don't have a best or worst piece of advice we received. I found it all quite overwhelming so took to figuring it out for ourselves instead.

The hardest parts of being a mother: When he's ill. It's getting easier as he can communicate a bit more and let us know what hurts, but that's been one of the worst bits. Right from the start we knew something wasn't right and he seemed uncomfortable and in pain. He was diagnosed with Reflux when he was 5 weeks old thankfully we got the right medication to help him take his milk and keep it down. He also had colic for the first 3 months which was awful as we couldn't do anything to help. Nothing eased it and he cried constantly. 

These days it seems different, as although we are more aware of what's wrong with him, it's still equally as hard because he's a proper little personality. To see him go from a happy, chatty playful boy to being clingy, quiet and sad is tough as you can feel pretty useless. 

The best parts of being a mother: Definitely seeing him grow and develop daily. I'm always amazed with his new skills and love seeing him get funnier, more confident and show new sides of his emerging personality. He cracks me up daily. 

I'm also a sucker for the love and hugs than only a toddler can give; all encompassing, smothering ones, usually accompanied by chocolate or snot. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? I'd love to say that having children turned me into a patient and wise, earth-mother sort who really found myself in my new role. But in reality, nothing was that extreme. I'm certain that I'm more confident, more loving and hopefully my patience is improving, but I still feel the same as before. I enjoy the same things, give or take (I put my recent love of crafting down to staying in more now I have children). 

I'd also hope I'm less selfish and I'm really trying to reign in my fears and phobias so as not to pass them onto my children. 

Hopes for your family: The obvious things; that they're happy and healthy, but also that they are confident enough to believe they can achieve whatever they want in life. I want us to be wholly supportive of their choices - that way, if things don't work out they feel they can talk to us about it, and not feel that they're judged. There is a lot of negativity out there as it is, which can make you think you've failed before you've even tried - I think as a parent you're there to bolster their dreams and cushion the blows.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I still see myself very much as a beginner, so don't feel I can dish out the advice, but if I was pushed I'd just say try to relax and not beat yourself up when you're finding your feet in the early days.