Jane, Scarlett and Herbie

Name: Jane Weaver

Children (and ages): Scarlett,  8 and Herbie,  5

Location: South Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I always wanted to be a mum and imagined having this massive brood. I had this vivid daydream before and during pregnancy that I would be this calm earth-mother, walking around barefoot, long hair flowing, baking and singing to the children like one of Joni Mitchell's 'Canyon Ladies'. I would have cats and babies around my feet, strumming lullabies. I was quite looking forward to this new person I would be once I became a mother.

Instead of being a sometime-reckless, irresponsible, work-hard/party-hard musician to whom the perfect end to an evening was doing Karaoke with sailors, I thought I would actually grow up. I would be inspired, wise, confident and calm. I would be a really cool mum who would never raise her voice unnecessarily and whose kids would be guided - never punished. The children would glow from the creative backdrop of their parents. I spent hours imagining the crafts we'd make, seeds we'd plant, games we'd play, songs we'd write, clothes we'd wear and how we'd look. I was excited about entering this world.

Of course, when the children finally came along I realised that it wasn't possible, and the wood nymph mother I'd imagined was mostly unavailable; her princess locks were bedraggled because she'd not even had a shower yet as she'd been busy washing clothes and ironing. Later on that day she would spend hours pureeing home-roasted, organic butternut squash, only to find it lazzed across the highchair in disgust by a crying baby. 

In a nutshell lets just say my expectations keep adjusting as my children's personalities and preferences develop (....and my son puts his hands over his ears every time I sing, so…) 

Reality of Motherhood: My daughters (fashionably late) arrival was massively traumatic, and no book I'd read or birth plan I'd made had accounted for this. I was overdue by 10 days and had been in labour for an age, then finally the labour resulted in a very dramatic emergency c-section. 

The baby was distressed, but as they prepped me for theatre an alarm went off and another woman was rushed in before me - her baby was in a worse state. I remember lying there for about 40 minutes; I was exhausted and shivering uncontrollably, delirious with fear and feeling that my baby could die or I would die. I was praying-hard. I could feel the spinal anaesthetic wearing off and I was sick from all the medication. Any romantic notion I'd had about birth was well and truly quashed. 

I was eventually wheeled in and she was born to 'Superstitious' by Stevie Wonder (playing on the hospital radio). The nurses were having a dance and arguing about who sang the song. In my head I was shouting, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ITS STEVIE WONDER!'

My hippy brain was convinced all the time I'd been pregnant that it was a boy. God knows why, but I would nod smugly at friends whilst rubbing my belly and say, 'I can feel its a boy'. I spent months talking to little "Sonny" Imagining his big brown eyes and mop of black hair (just like his father's). So when the nurse handed me my baby and said, 'It's a girl!' a single massive tear ran down my face because I was so overwhelmed with love. 

She was placed on me and I felt overjoyed and immediately protective of this little alien-imp. She didn't look like a girl at all and I was so confused and drugged up. I kept thinking they'd got it wrong (and I was very annoyed because I'd bought all these blue stripey playsuits with me). 

Back on the ward I felt so dreadful after 4 days of zero sleep, but also felt really really sick. I thought, 'How am I ever going to do this?' I needed to recover quickly but couldn't even feel my legs. My daughter seemed to cry incessantly with hunger; she'd fall asleep for an hour and then feed for an hour. It was non stop. The final straw came when the girl in the next bed to me started slurring loudly to her partner about how the morphine they'd given her felt, 'Just like an 'avin an E'. I was really offended by the real world and wanted to go home to my safe environment. 

We'd hardly thought of any girl names, but Melodie (after Serge Gainsbourg's album Melody Nelson) seemed apt. But I then decided that Melodie with a Mancunian accent didn't sound as beautiful as with Jane Birkin's broken French one, so we changed it to Scarlett.
Scarlett didn't sleep through until she was 11 months old. She cried all the time and I remember the sleep deprivation wildly taking hold of me. I was so out of the habit of sleeping I couldn't sleep; I felt like a walking ghost. I was so focused on being a good mum that Scarlett was never effected by all this, I idolised her and my husband and I catered to her every need and more.

Reality was tough. I still felt physically ill, I had a constant stomach ache and felt awful. My husband was away working a lot and I felt so nuts that throwing myself off the top of the house seemed inviting. I went to see my GP because I felt like I was losing the plot - I was so knackered and I resented everything. Her advice was probably the best anyone gave me. She said, 'Put the baby to bed, go downstairs and pour you and your husband a large glass of wine, and let her cry. It will be very upsetting for a while, but sleeping is a social skill and they have to learn to get themselves to sleep. You are not allowing her to do this'. Harsh as it all sounded she was totally right, and it worked. 

*I'd also like to point out that we did have a baby monitor and didn't get leathered*

As we got more sleep, things were really good and our daughter fascinated us. We fell in love with her more each day. I remember recording her voice when she started to talk and thinking, 'this child is surely a genius!' (Cue visions of joining Mensa and shaking hands with Carol Voderman), but then you realise most parents think the same about their own kids and the bubble is burst. 

Amidst all these new discoveries I still felt physically ill. I was in debilitating pain and had zero energy. Initially I'd put it down to being tired, but then I started to get a bit worried and my instinct was nagging me that something wasn't right. I was back and forth to the doctors like a Woody Allen character, and after many tests over the next 2 years it was confirmed that I was actually suffering from a condition called coeliac disease. I'd probably had it all my life but it had been missed, but being pregnant had challenged my body so much that the symptoms became very aggressive. By the time I was diagnosed properly I was pregnant with my second child. 

With coeliac disease you can't digest gluten found in oats, rye, barley and wheat, so it makes you ill. You also don't absorb the vitamins and minerals you need, and when you are pregnant your body needs all the good stuff so it explains why I'd felt so rotten for years.

Thankfully my 2nd pregnancy with my son was great and I felt really healthy. Herbies arrival was a less shocking experience than his sister's, and even on the photos I'm tanned with nice hair and makeup - I probably could've managed champagne and chocolates like Posh Spice. I was physically well as my illness was under control so I felt strong, and luckily for us he slept through the night after only a few months.

Taking your children home for the first time: I remember leaving the hospital still feeling dreadfully poorly with Scarlett thinking, 'I don't know what I'm doing.' 

I felt guilty because she'd had a traumatic birth and blamed myself. I hadn't slept for about a week (which in hindsight was nothing ), but still my maternal instinct was to just look after her. I couldn't drive for weeks and I remember getting a lift to Asda, praying she wouldn't cry so that I would have to go to the toilets and breastfeed her - obviously, that is what happened. 

The lovely side of it all was my husband and I did a lot of 'staring at the baby' for hours and coo'ing,. We were both amazed and bewildered that she was ours. 

Bringing Herbie home was easy, and the good thing about another baby is that they tend to slot into everything that's already set up. At home I just wanted to be with my brood, after being on a shared ward in hospital I didn't really want visitors, and constantly having to feed them became a joke - but one that I particularly didn't want to share with everyone.

The best/worst advice: With my first child my best friend gave birth a few weeks before, so we were on the phone quite often comparing notes (usually about feeding, as we'd both rebelled and gone onto formula milk by then). Eventually - like two detectives - we figured if our babies fed well, they'd sleep well. We both tried Gina Fords book, 'The contented baby book' as it had worked and was 'amazingly easy' for someone my friend knew - we were so tired we grasped for any information that could work so we could sleep. The results were patchy. 

Sleep became like finding the magic egg, and it's funny now, but at the time I couldn't accept the fact that controlling a child it's not as easy as it seems. It's like a mule going up a ladder - you can follow anything to the letter, but at the end of the day they just do their own thing. 

I remember being horrified at my first pre-natal appointment when the mid-wife said, 'Don't buy a baby bath - you don't need it. Go down to the pound shop and buy a bucket. Babies prefer it.' ...I didn't, but now I understand you genuinely don't need as much fancy stuff as you are led to believe by 'Mothercare' and 'Mamas and Papas', etc.  

You'll spend 100s on a digital baby monitor and it will break just as easily as the 40 quid one. You get guilted into buying stuff and then you have a clear out and stumble on barely-worn, expensive minature shoes and 2 factory-sealed copies of 'Babies first year diary', all bound for Oxfam.

My Mum has always been great with advice she said to me fairly early on (after one of my familiar bouts of ranting), 'You need to learn the word "acceptance". Things will never be the same again,' and she was, and still always is right.

The hardest parts of being a mother: It's relentless. Before I had kids I was much more laid back and such a free spirit, but I remember the first time I took my daughter for a walk, the world outside our window was a very dangerous place all of a sudden - cars driving too fast, sunshine shining into babies eyes, fighting dogs in the park. It was like a risk assessment and health and safety switch had been flicked on in my head and now it won't go off: 'Get down off that wall!', ' stop putting that pencil in your sisters eyes!', 'dont put too many grapes into your mouth or you will choke.'...I could go on (and on) and on. The kids are fun but they don't see danger at all. 

It's terrible when they are poorly or actually hurt themselves; Scarlett had a bad fall recently, but she really surprised us though as to how grown up and brave she was in hospital (whilst we where shaking and turning green as she was stitched up). 

As a mother you also are never ever allowed to be ill. Forget the old days of catching flu and lying in bed for a week and talking in tongues - you have to work through the hallucinations (after a box of Lemsip Max).

Working is still challenging. I'm a singer songwriter mainly, but I also work with others on my own record label (releasing mine and other artists' music) and I also DJ from time to time. My creativity has not gone away since having kids, and it's still really important for me to keep doing this - hopefully when they are older they'll appreciate this more! 

 The frustrating part is these days I can't just drop everything anymore - burn the midnight oil or hop on a flight - because everything has to be planned out months in advance.

The best parts of being a mother: The love I feel for them is boundless, and I get told constantly, 'I love you mummy' - I also get cards and amazing drawings and cuddles. 

 The love I feel for my own mother, and knowing my kids feel like that about me, makes me feel special and complete; we are tight. Its also made me appreciate and respect my parents on a whole new different level too - I can't believe they did this for me as its so hard, and they still are so supportive now.

My kids make me howl with laughter - usually when they are being naughty. 

My son once broke free, with me in hot pursuit whilst we were shopping in John Lewis and he decided to run all over the expensive Persian rugs in muddy wellies for what seemed like an eternity. Everyone looked at me in disgust.. but I kind of enjoyed it.

Hopes for your family: I want to hang out with them for as long as I possibly can. Family time and all being together and having fun is the best; its magical. I want them to continue to trust me more than anything as they grow. When they start school you realise they start changing so quickly - the one that was a good eater now dramatically weeps at every meal, and now there's door slamming and storming off etc. You can't control everything that goes on but you hope you can get them through the tough times.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Before you give birth go out socially with your partner, mates or whoever as much as you can manage. Go shopping, go out for meals, gigs, go on holiday - anything! Pamper yourself because once the baby arrives even getting in the shower is like a challenge from The Krypton Factor.

This is probably the most important thing though… be honest with your fellow sister. Post-partum I was really looking forward to meeting other new mums - hanging around drinking coffee, off-loading, and sharing experiences. The idea seemed nice. I imagined this commune-vibe, village co-operative from the 70's - everyone on an equal footing because we were all mothers. But it's not the case. Some groups can seem a bit like The Stepford Wives - perfect, cliquey and competitive because little Jimmy had already rolled over at 15 weeks, and Sue had lost all her baby weight from breast feeding alone. I sought out the odd poor cow who was rubbish at lying like me and found out that this was how you make good friends.

…..Oh and don't bother decorating your whole house in posh victorian chalky matt emulsion paint, as soon as they can crawl you'll have buttery crumpet handprints all over your living room, for the next few years you'll be wishing you'd have gone to Wilkinsons and bought its own brand silk paint. 


Jane's music and record label can be found here http://janeweavermusic.com

Helen and Maia

Name: Helen

Child: Maia, 15 months

Location: Disley, Cheshire

Expectations of Motherhood: As long as I can remember I wanted children. As a child, dolls were my favourite toys and having travelled a fair bit and met my husband, having children was up there with my big ambitions. My elder sister already had four children and had made it look easy. I loved being around my niece and nephews and as a primary teacher I have a pretty good knowledge of young children. I knew that we would try to start a family at some point after we got married, but I think that when I did get pregnant it came as a bit of a surprise to both of us. 

We quickly got stuck into planning and buying and preparing, and the whole pregnancy was just a happy blur of new experiences. I was definitely more concerned with the birth than being a mother and although I knew in the back of my head that there would be sleepless nights and hard work, childbirth was definitely my number one thought. NCT classes had taught me all I needed to know about thinking positively and keeping calm so at least the birth would more than likely go smoothly. I was going to have a water birth with just gas and air for assistance. When I did picture ‘motherhood’ it was having a tiny, content, quiet baby who did everything if not in advance then at least on cue, rarely crying and sleeping well. 

Reality of Motherhood: A bit different! I had a pretty intense labour, lasting 56 hours. The birthing pool didn’t come into the equation, and gas and air was only the beginning of a large drug cocktail. By the end of it what I really needed was three weeks in the Caribbean but obviously that wasn’t going to happen. The first day was amazing, showing her off proudly to all the family, but that night, alone with this new person in a noisy ward, it all hit home. Pain, exhaustion, emotions & hormones all coincided. One thing for which I was completely unprepared was the length of time it took to recover. I felt like I had been hit by several buses. It was two days before I could get out of bed by myself and three weeks before I could sit easily. I remember going to the doctors a few days after we got home and standing at the back of the waiting room weeping! 

Little by little, the birth faded into a distant memory and we got to know our bundle of fun. Needless to say I definitely didn’t have that tiny, content being I was carrying before birth. Maia was almost 9lbs and spent most of her first three months exercising her lungs. It seemed to me that she was either asleep or crying and little in between. I was so stressed when we were around other people because I felt that if she cried I should be able to calm her. When that didn’t happen I panicked. I quickly realised I have a very low tolerance threshold for my daughter’s cries and I held numerous conversations walking about with her in my arms or swinging her about in her car seat in a frantic bid to keep her calm. She screamed every time she was in the car (“but all babies fall asleep in the car right?” er…no) so I made countless stops in laybys and carparks to feed & change and re-settle. By 4 months I started to enjoy her much more. She was happy and following her own little routine which made everything a lot easier. As she became more predictable we became more able to satisfy her needs and we were all a lot more relaxed. Now, at 15 months we’re into whole new range of obstacles: toddlerhood! But now I feel so much more in control, and if not exactly ‘experienced’ then at least ‘prepared’. 

Taking your child home for the first time: I was so happy to be out of hospital, it didn’t occur to me that it would be a bit of a mission looking after both myself and my daughter. Luckily my husband had two weeks off so he made sure we were both fed and the house was clean(ish). I followed that great advice ‘sleep when they sleep’ pretty well and generally tried to recover. We found it so hard to put Maia in her cot without her screaming that for the first two weeks she slept on my tummy. Most of our sleep was more ‘passing out from sheer exhaustion’ than restful sleep. I remember the night I managed to put her down after each feed. We celebrated!

The best/worst advice: The best advice I have received since becoming a mother is ‘follow your instincts’. The day my friend told me to ignore the experts and do what I thought was right was a turning point for me. I stopped being anxious that I wasn’t doing things ‘right’ and concentrated on what Maia was telling me instead. The worst advice? Anything that starts with ‘All babies...’. There are billions of people on this earth. There is no way that ‘all babies’ do anything except eat, sleep and poo. And there are a zillion ways they can do those, too.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The worry! Since before day one a day hasn’t gone by where I haven’t questioned something. Every single aspect of Maia’s life has been questioned at some point. Just take sleep for example. Why won’t she go to sleep? Is she getting enough sleep? Why is she still asleep? Why won’t she stay in her cot? Why does she sleep better with us? Does she have a good enough bedtime routine? Is she warm enough/cool enough? Will she wake up again before morning??? That’s just sleep. Multiply that by all the other aspects of her life and you kind of get how much I worry about her. And I’m told its worse when they’re teenagers. Other than that, well sleepless nights are very, very hard, especially when they never seem to end. But I find coffee a remarkable drug.

The best parts of being a mother: There are so so many and they occur on a daily basis. Watching her grow and develop into her own person is just amazing. The way her face lights up when she’s happy, or the cheeky look on her face as she tries to hide from a nappy change. The way she roars when she’s being a lion or pants when she’s being a dog. Her expression of surprise when she experiences a new taste or sensation and her joy at seeing people she knows. Every day she seems to learn something new and seeing her reach each new milestone is simply a wonderful feeling. 

Hopes for your family: That Maia will grow into a happy, confident and likeable girl. That she will be academically able, friendly and polite. That she will experience all the good things life has to offer and as little of the bad as possible. I hope that Harry and I will always do what is best for her and our family and that we keep learning and growing as parents. That she will avoid boys until she’s 21 and even then only pick the good ones.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Beware the parent police! There are countless ‘experts’ out there, countless and conflicting books, well meaning (or otherwise) friends, family, local old crones who all believe it their duty to advise you in the best methods of bringing up YOUR child. Sleeping, feeding, discipline whatever. Listen to them all and you’ll go mad. The best thing I heard was ‘all babies are different, all parents are different’ (thanks Mum!). Follow your instincts and do what YOU think is right for your child, your family and you. If that means formula feeding at birth (*gasp*), breastfeeding till age 3 (*shock*) or sleeping three or more in a bed (*impossible*) do it and relax because you are doing what works.

Andrea and Elsie

Name: Andrea

Child: Elsie, 11 mths

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I only expected what everyone says - that it would be hard work and that we wouldn't get get any sleep. Amazingly we've found both of these statements to be untrue with Elsie.

It took so long to get pregnant, I didn't want to have any expectations of her. I wanted to just enjoy pregnancy and enjoy her - and from 18 weeks pregnant I really did enjoy it. Before 18 weeks I'd been working in the Northern quarter and found it so hard because it seemed everyone smoked. People lingered, smoking in front of all the bars and cafes and the smell of smoke knocked me sick. In preparation for motherhood I didn't read books; I didn't want to - I'd left up that to Andy. Until a week before she was born I was in total denial about the fact she had to come out though. I remember one day catching Andy smiling and asking him why he looked so happy. He said that he was really excited, and that's when I realised how much more was involved in my role and that I had a lot more to come. Surprisingly though, the birth was quite enjoyable. I hadn't expected it to be easy at all and thought I'd be screaming and swearing, but I only swore just the once!

Reality of Motherhood: At first we found it easier to not follow a set pattern as such - I hate the word routine. We didn't want our life to be dictated by naps, so at first we followed what Elsie needed, but still got out and did things together. She's very chilled out, so we've taken each day as it comes, and it means that most of the time we just hang out and have fun. As she's getting older we've decided that following a set pattern does tend to benefit Elsie now, so she goes to bed at the same time every night and as a result we all seem to benefit.

Everyone said it was really hard to bring up children and so I'd imagined I'd be one of these people who didn't get out of their pyjamas for months after giving birth. I've found that although being a mum isn't easy, it seems to flow, like something I've always done.

Taking your child home for the first time: I stayed in over night at the hospital. It had been a busy night and lots of babies had been born, so it took forever to be discharged. We finally went home on a Saturday night. It had been a warm day and everyone was outside pubs drinking and queueing up at taxi ranks, and I thought to myself, 'I used to do that,' but I was so excited to be bringing this tiny person home, I didn't care about that anymore.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I was given was to take each day as it comes. You learn that your baby changes everyday and you just have to follow them. I don't remember any bad advice as such but I did find it frustrating that I never saw the same midwife twice - there was no consistency. I didn't read any books because I was very wary.

The hardest parts of being a mother: When they're ill. At 4 months Elsie got an infection in her index finger and ended up in hospital. Her finger was red and swollen, but it didn't bother her although it looked really bad. After the 3rd visit to the doctor blisters had developed, but the GP still wasn't familiar with this particular infection and so didn't want to administer antibiotics. We never expected after visiting the hospital to get it checked that we'd have to stay in for a week. I was still breastfeeding so had to stay in hospital with her. The doctors at the hospital weren't sure what was wrong with her finger either so we had to stay in the room for a whole week while she had antibiotics intravenously. I remember I had to leave the room as they put the IV in her arm because to see her in pain would have been really hard. I was imagining all sorts of awful things.

The best parts of being a mother: 

Her first smile. 

Cuddles. 

As she falls asleep and strokes me. 

Taking pictures of her.

We laugh at her everyday because she's so funny and cheeky.  

I love watching her growing everyday and can't believe how much she's changed from birth.

Hopes for your family: I hope that Elsie will be happy, that she'll want to learn and have lots of friends. We're so grateful for having Elsie but we never wanted her to be an only child. I was an only child and would've liked to have had a sibling to share things with.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: When you first come home from hospital and people want to visit give your visitors a specific time to call round. You'll find that you're not bombarded and you'll get that time alone as a family. Don't feel guilty about not reading parenting guides because in the end you'll find your own way.

With regards to fertility, doctors don't really take you seriously until you've been trying for a year. I always say to people - even if they're young - to get their fertility tested if they're delaying having a family, because it's not always that easy to get pregnant. We went through the NHS first and then did IVF privately when that failed. It took us about 2yrs of injections and blood tests (at one point every other day for a month) and then there's the weight gain from the hormones - I went through a lot to get Elsie, so she is very precious.

Liz and Imogen

Name: Liz
Child: Imogen
Location: Manchester


Expectations of motherhood: 
Oddly I'm not sure I ever had expectations of motherhood per se. 


















Somehow Imogen was here before I'd ever even thought about motherhood. I'd thought a lot about 'having a baby' but to me the two are slightly different things. All my thoughts about having a baby were focused around the practical implications and how we'd cope. I didn't ever really give much thought to what it would mean to be a mother. It's been lovely to realise that I absolutely adore it.

The reality of motherhood: Good grief it's hard isn't it!? 

There is something about being the absolute centre of this tiny person's universe that is both wonderful and terrifying at the same time. I'd always - rather naively - thought that the bond children have with their parents is a result of the amount of involvement those parents have. I think I was totally unprepared for the completely natural, inevitable, unbreakable bond that Imogen has had with me from the very start. It's incredible but such an enormous responsibility.
Taking your child home for the first time: Absolute bliss. I was really lucky to have a very straightforward birth and we got to take her home the same day. I was so thrilled to be going home, so thrilled to not be in labour anymore and just mystified that she was finally here. I can remember so clearly being in the back of the car with her and having to shield her eyes from the street lights. Truth be told it makes me go a bit gooey thinking about it.

The best/worst advice: I must confess that I'm awful at listening to advice. I got advice fatigue while I was pregnant - when the world and his wife seem to fall over themselves to give you unsolicited advice. I was pretty adamant right from the start that I was happy to try things out but would not blindly follow any method, routine etc. I wanted to figure out what was right for us a family and sod everything else.

Imogen was a pretty easy baby (despite what seemed to be a firmly held belief that sleep was for wimps) so I didn't really feel like we needed a lot of advice (although I always thought there was something fundamentally sensible about the baby whisperer books). 

We did, and still do, go with what feels right. So for instance, I didn't breast feed exclusively for 6 months, I've never let her 'cry it out', she's never slept in our bed and we did baby led weaning. I don't think any of things are 'right' for everyone but they worked for us. 



Hardest parts of being a mother: The unrelenting nature of it all. Having to do it all day and all night, every day and every night is far far more exhausting than I could ever have anticipated. 

The best parts of being a mother: The sense that you're building something new and fantastic. You've gone from a couple to a family and I just find that magical (cheesy but deliberate choice of word).

Hopes the future: We're hoping to add to our family in the coming years and that's a scary but exciting prospect. I'm so thrilled with our little family of 3 that up-ending all of that feels a bit nerve-wracking. We're confident it will be worth it though. This is just the beginning. 

Advice for expectant mums:
Trust your instincts. All of the guidance you'll get is just that, guidance. 
Oh and try and enjoy it, they'll be grown and slamming doors before we know it!

Helen and Elliott

Name: Helen

Child: Elliott, 1 yr

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: Just the usual, absolute horror, worry, agony, lack of sleep, terrible piles, ‘life never being the same again’ etc etc, Yep, all the good stuff.

I tried not to expect or think about it so much. I was in the ‘over 35’s’ group too so most of the medical info was pretty grim. We had bad results/stats for all our tests so when I think back I’m amazed we actually went through with it. Sounds a bit pessimistic but I guess I was preparing myself for the worst.

I’ve never really been a broody person so it surprised me that we had both come to the same conclusion that we wanted to start a family, so I just wanted to get on with it.
I expected it to be a lot less fun than it is too, I thought it only got interesting once they began to talk and that you just had to get through the first couple of years to get to the good bits.

Oh, and I thought I would have time to learn to bake and sew and sit around reading, whilst blissfully feeding my dozing bundle……ha ha ha!

Reality of Motherhood: Truly amazingly brilliant, truly amazingly difficult and truly amazingly scary. 

A huge mixed-up bag of contradictions.

It’s not easy trying to sum it all up in a couple of paragraphs. I’ve never ever been so completely in love with anything so much or had such a laugh, it’s brilliant. I do have days when I find the whole thing very hard but I can honestly say most days are just ace, funny, cute, and happy. Sometimes I feel like I’m skiving cos I’m having so much of a good time!
It’s gradually changed me but I’m happy with that. In some ways I’ve become tougher, but then softer with other things. I feel quite selfish about time and not wasting it on things that don’t matter, but then if I see and kids or babies on TV upset and suffering I’m an absolute wreak. Contradictions again!

Taking your child home for the first time: We had a long labour resulting in a Caesarian section, I can’t use the word ‘emergency’ - it’s scaremongering. Yes it was a bit hairy for a while but we all came out of it absolutely fine, and our son, so far, is a healthy happy little boy and that’s the main thing. 

Due to the nature of our birth we had to stay in hospital for 5 nights so we were incredibly happy to be told we could go. It took 3 trips to the car with all the paraphernalia we had accumulated from our stay in hospital, the final one with our little baby. It was a mixture of excitement and fear. The drive home was like a scene out of a video game, cars driving at us, pensioners walking out in front of us, buses careering towards us, terrifying obstacles everywhere, Elliott oblivious to it all. We managed to see the funny side though, a good blueprint to adapt to!

The best/worst advice: Best advice was a short book called ‘Helping your Baby to sleep’ by Siobhan Mulholland, quick read and to the point which is what was needed after many nights of little sleep, verging on the point of irrational strategies to end the sleep deprivation.

Also, a friend told us not to keep things too quiet at night as they did, otherwise your baby will get used to the silence and wake up at the least little noise. So far Elliott sleeps, mostly, through anything.

Worst advice - all the other books! (I did say a big bag of contradictions). Too long to read, too nazi, too awful, just not for me/us. All babies are different, I can’t understand how one book can determine all babies. Surely they need to be respected and therefore treated as individuals? I know they work for a lot of people but not for us. I launched ‘The Contented Little Baby’ out the window it annoyed me so much and that was only after reading about 5 pages of it, and then had to go out in pajamas to pick it up. If you are going to read the books, maybe do it before the baby arrives, I was too tired and busy feeding to read a big massive book and a boring one at that.

One minute I was praising the hospital staff and wanting to buy them all presents, the next we were being given terrible awful contradictory advice. One midwife told us we had to insert a laxative into our 7 day old son, can you imagine having to hold down your terrified screaming kid and force this thing into him only because you’ve been told to do so by a ‘professional’. The next day a different mid-wife came along to tell us what we did hadn’t been needed and asked why did we do it. I think she must have seen the look on my face, as she quickly did a back-track and said it wasn’t so bad. Too late, I was already thinking of ways to hide her body after I’d strangled her, I didn’t though, we moved on. 

Pretty soon after that I decided I wasn’t going to be doing anything else without asking a lot of questions before hand, luckily Elliott didn’t seem to be too scarred from the incident, but we were. We can and do laugh about it now but it was really upsetting at the time. I was livid with myself because I was so afraid of doing the wrong thing and I'd trusted the people who were supposed to know more than me. I should have spoken out and listened to my instincts. 

I don’t have my Mother to ask all the usual questions or any other family near by but we do have brilliant well informed mates with first hand experience, who, so far have always been spot-on when I’ve asked for help/advice. I’m eternally grateful for this.

The hardest parts of being a mother: It was a while before I got to hold our son, they took him away to check all was well and we made nervous small talk until we heard a yelp, then they brought him over, just as I was asking my partner what he was doing with the rest of the weekend (that must have been the epidural talking). Jon held him first then was ushered out while they finished patching me up, so it was a while before I actually got to hold him. I remember saying ‘Cheers everyone’ to all the theatre staff, like they’d just bought me a pint; I don’t think it had actually hit me that now I was a Mother, it was quite an eventful beginning.

So, when I finally did get to hold Elliott, I didn’t feel that rush of love that you hear about. Everything seemed to be, ‘right just get on with it’ and mechanical and this is your life now. It was all ‘do this’ and ‘do that’ and none of that soft focus coochy moment you think there might be, us all gazing at each other, none of that.
Now, of course I don’t think now it would be possible to love our little boy any more and I do feel guilty that I didn’t have that ‘rush’, I also feel guilty about many many other things; is he eating healthily, is he getting enough exercise, is being stimulated enough, is he being too stimulated!!! I even feel guilty for feeling guilty and worry that I worry too much but apparently that’s all part of being a mother.

Trying to stop swearing is hard - I’ve got a bit of a potty mouth so having to curb that is proving, at times, somewhat of a challenge. The partying was easy to stop, I was bored of that anyway but the swearing, proving a bit difficult!

The best parts of being a mother: The laughs, the little games he loves to play, those little legs running, normally away from me, his happy little face first thing in the morning going in to get him up, last thing at night doing the bedtime routine, teaching him new stuff, seeing him take that stuff in and being able to do it.

Dancing round the kitchen with him, throwing him on the bed, chasing him about which he loves. Just hanging out with him is ace; he’s such a funny little person and is always trying to make us laugh. I do feel very very lucky to have this, 95% of the time is just brilliant, the routines and rituals he has, his smell, his hands, his feet, do I need to go on….it probably sounds pathetic, but I can’t help it, he is just so amazing, the good times definitely outweigh the bad and it’s really not all worry worry guilt guilt.

I think we’re lucky with our timing, deciding to do this later on, I just feel ready, and it’s the best job ever.

Hopes for your family: That we always get on, that we always love each other and are happy and healthy. In years to come if we go through tough times I hope I remember to look back to these days, at how happy, contented and grounded we all are as a family.
I also hope we fulfill our job to bring Elliott up to be a good person, who’ll be happy and thoughtful of others.

Any advice you offer to new and expectant mums: Do it your own way, you may not think or feel you know what you are doing, but I reckon there is something that just naturally kicks in. The crying won’t last forever so just grit your teeth and get some earplugs.
Don’t be afraid to speak out if you’re not happy with the way you are being treated by one of the many professionals you will come across, you don’t have to be rude but it may save a lot of stress to question something you feel uneasy with.
He or She is YOUR baby; no one else’s and no one else knows them better than you.
Try to retain a sense of humor; after all, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, so they say!

Carolyn and Charlie

Name: Carolyn 

Child: Charlie, 8 months
Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I didn't really know what to expect from motherhood as it's not something you can imagine. I was so absorbed in feeling ill and hormonal when I was pregnant it was hard to remember there was a baby in there at times. I was actually really surprised when they plopped the baby on my stomach after giving birth because I just couldn’t get my head round the fact he was really in there.

I'd wanted a baby for a long time but we waited until it was the right time for us in terms of work/ money etc. I didn't think too much abut my expectations, I just knew I'd always wanted a family.

Reality of Motherhood: The shock of it all hit me quite hard. After one night in labour, another night actually having Charlie and then another night in hospital with babies screaming all night, I was exhausted from the beginning. I also lost a lot of blood and was really anaemic and dizzy. Charlie and I also found breastfeeding really difficult, which I had not prepared for at all.

I felt a bit jealous that my husband bonded with Charlie instantly, because I didn’t enjoy much of the first few weeks because it was so difficult to get him breastfeeding. I’m really proud of their relationship now though, although I’m still a teeny bit jealous of how much he loves his daddy!

My mum came over to help the day after we got home from hospital and didn't leave for a week!

I struggled on with the breastfeeding for three months but once I'd got Charlie bottle feeding and my husband could help out at night times, it was a massive relief.

Now Charlie is eight months old he's just an adorably happy bundle of cuteness and motherhood is amazing. Before I had a baby, I knew that you'd love your baby unconditionally - but I didn't prepare for the 'cute factor'. That you could just think something was just the most adorable thing and every single thing they do is ridiculously cute. 

Taking your child home for the first time: In true disorganised fashion, we hadn't practised using the car seat, so were completely baffled at how to loosen the straps enough to get Charlie in there. Luckily the chap with the women opposite me in hospital had practised thoroughly and offered to help us. I must add that Halfords had taught us how to strap the seat into the car properly though! 

We didn't have much time to dwell on the enormity of the situation when we arrived home as both our families descended on us and then my best friends arrived so we had a lovely day. 

The best/worst advice: I repeatedly badgered my friends with kids on how they dealt with things, which was possibly a bit annoying for them but very useful for me. I also read books incessantly, which really helped. I liked to read books on every style of parenting and then make up my own mind.

We ended up doing the Gina Ford routine, which I really liked because it meant if anyone else looked after Charlie they didn’t need to figure out when to feed him or when he needed to sleep. I don’t really understand the criticism of the routine really – if it doesn’t suit you or your baby then just don’t do it!

Completely ignore advice that you don’t feel is right. As the mum, you always know best.

I suppose the best advice is something that everyone says, which is enjoy and remember every moment because the first year goes (or is going!) so fast.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Obviously the lack of sleep at the beginning is the hardest thing ever and the relentless feeding, burping and changing cycle is just never-ending. But now I don't feel there's anything which is hard - apart from letting the grandparents have him because I miss him too much!

The best parts of being a mother: Just having a little buddy with you all the time is great fun. Charlie really makes you work hard for a laugh, so when he does giggle you really feel special. I also love seeing him change and develop every week.

Hopes for your family: That he continues to be a happy and bubbly little person and enjoys life.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Just go with the flow and the hardest part won't last that long. Try to enjoy them when they're tiny because in a few months it will be hard to imagine anything that tiny again!

Don’t stress too much about breastfeeding, whether they’re sleeping enough, or anything else. Every baby is so different and we can only do our best.

If you don’t want visitors, just tell people that. We banned visitors for a couple of weeks because we were just so exhausted, the thought of making someone a cup of tea AND then washing it up was too much.

Carolyn Hughes is a freelance PR and copywriter in Manchester. She also writes the blog Manchester Is Ace and has just launched Little Dudes, a blog about things to do with babies, toddles and kids in Manchester. 

Den and Harry

Name: Denise
Child: Harry, 5
Location: Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: My husband and I had been determined that we wanted to live out a perfect fairytale. We'd been together for a long time and marriage had been important to us. The next natural step was to have children. As children who'd both been born as accidents and from unconventional families, it was important for us to do things 'the right way'. Looking back, the fairytale couldn't have turned out any more differently to our expectations. I'm a single parent now and I'm having to write a new story, and so in retrospect none of that actually mattered.

Never in a million years had I expected to become a single mum. We'd been obsessed with doing 'the right thing' as a couple and doing what made us look like the perfect family, but in the end it just didn't work out like that. It sounds crazy now, to think I was so conservative in my attitude towards becoming a parent.

Reality of Motherhood: The bubble burst immediately at Harry's birth in a traumatic 18hr labour. Harry was in the wrong position - back to back - and was eventually delivered by emergency C-section. It made me reconsider all of my original expectations of motherhood. After 3 days of trauma and looking after this new little thing, finally coming out of the haze, I fell in love with him. For days I'd felt disconnected because of everything that had happened in the birth. Then finally it was like a little door in my heart opened - I like to call it my 'John Malkovich door'. As an adult you expect that you've experienced every emotion, but you really haven't until you feel this unconditional love for your child. I imagine people have more children because it's like a drug addict harking back to their first high. If you could buy that love as a drug, you'd be unbelievably rich.

Motherhood now, as a single mum, has meant a real change in my life, but I have realised that the fairytale can be rewritten and our relationship has developed into something really special.

Taking your child home for the first time: We were kept in hospital for 5 days. By the time we left they had diagnosed Harry with hole in his heart and we were told that eventually he would need an operation. Returning home was tinged with the worry of not knowing exactly what was wrong. We found ourselves dealing with the emotions of being new parents, sharing the same experiences as other new parents, but at the same time being scared stiff because of what was potentially going to happen to our poorly baby. 

I tried to enjoy him as much as possible in those early months. I indulged in doing the things you can do as a new mum - not having to get dressed, eating cake, etc. Other people expected me to look after them when they'd descend on us, but I wanted us to be spoilt. It's a strange bubble you're in while midwives, health visitors and parents-in-law breeze through your door on a daily basis. I really enjoyed feeling special for those first few weeks, and then it hit me that I was going to smell of sour milk for the next few months. I remember one occasion when I was in the supermarket with my new born baby, and everyone was smiling and looking at me. I felt so proud with my beautiful boy. At the checkout I remember seeing milk all over the till and in reporting it to the assistant. Her eyes glanced down to my chest - it was me!

Harry had open heart surgery at 5 mths, and it was a totally weird experience. Up till then he'd lived as a relatively normal baby boy. I remember becoming obsessed with breast feeding - I'd originally felt like I didn't want to be bullied into it, but when it transpired that he was ill I did become a bit evangelical about the whole thing. It was the best medicine he could have and as a fairly helpless parent it was the one thing I could do to help the situation. I knew that the bigger and stronger he could be for his operation, the better.

Harry was in Alder Hey for 3 weeks and we stayed with him during that time apart from the 3 days when he was in intensive care. That time really opened my eyes to how lucky we were. I remember one time when I was making pot noodle in the hospital kitchen and came across a dad who was making a full sunday roast for his family in the kitchen. I said, "you're pushing the boat out, aren't you?" and he explained that they'd been in there for 18 mths with his daughter and he was trying to regain some normality. His daughter had a brain injury and he didn't know when they'd be leaving. 
We were so lucky because Harry could be mended, and it was that moment when I went from, "why me?" to "we're so lucky". After his operation he recovered quickly and has managed to live life as a healthy little boy since.

Best and worst advice: There's no one piece of advice that has stuck out to me, but it's important to discuss problems with friends. Everyone has their own pearls of wisdom but not everyone finds the same thing works for them. Trust your instincts.  

The hardest parts of being a mother: Nobody tells you that at some point you will really dislike (almost hate) your child. You'll love them, but you really don't like them, and that's ok and normal. Our relationship has changed since I've become a single mum because I have to be 'good cop' and 'bad cop' now. He can go to his dad and experience purely good times, whereas I have to lay down the rules and discipline him. 

Recently the lines have blurred slightly between being a parent and child - in earnest, I probably discuss more with him than I should but I like to be very open with him because we're a team. I don't have to share him with anyone as a single parent - I have to cope with the bad bits but I get all the good bits and those dark moments have made our relationship so much stronger. 

I miss reminiscing with someone or sharing with someone about how amazing he is. I also can't ever leave a situation and get distance from being a mum, like just saying I need a bath or my own time. I don't have any family support nearby, but I have got a network of really good friends. Without them I wouldn't have been able to get through this. I'm much braver as a person now too, motherhood has shown me that I am quite strong and can get through things.

The best parts of being a mother: I love him, he's funny and has his own personality. He's
my best friend for life and we have a lovely relationship. He's also at an age where we can do fun things together like sneaking him into the cinema to see films he's not really supposed to. He's his own person and has an incredible personality and his own very valid opinion. I love that he's great company - for kids and adults - and he is genuinely funny. I'm so proud that he has created independent relationships with adults who are my friends, and these are relationships that exist because they honestly like each other. At first when we did things, just Harry and I, it felt like someone was missing for both of us. Recently it feels like we are a complete family, just us two.

Hopes for your family: I hope he'll be able to have a good relationship with his father. 

I hope that he felt loved by us growing up. 

I want him to always be happy in whatever he does and chooses to do - I think that's all that matters.

What advice would you give new and expectant mums:
- Listen to your own voice, don't be bullied by anyone.
- Don't buy into false expectations and fairytales.
- It's your book, you are the author, you have to write it.
- Whatever you choose to do, it's the right way.
- You can feed them all the organic purees you want, and give them a great mixed pallet of tastes, but by the age of two all they'll want to do is eat white food.
- Everything passes, everything is a phase.
- Enjoy it. Luxuriate into the first 6 mths, sleep when the baby sleeps and you'll get enough.
- Give in to being a mum and meanwhile don't feel bad about not being the best wife, lover, daughter, work colleague or project manager of your home renovations.
Take the time out the indulge in motherhood, this is the time to do it.

We get really hung up on what we should and shouldn't do, but all that matters is having a happy child. There's a tendency to buy into what people tell us to do in books, but people have been having babies for 1000s of years without them.