Olly and Genevieve

Name: Olly 

Child: Genevieve, 18 months

Location: Cheadle

Expectations of Motherhood: I don't think I had thought beyond pregnancy to be honest. We spent four years and four rounds of IVF trying to conceive so I think for such a longtime my focus was ~getting~ pregnant. I kind of hadn't thought about what would happen once I was pregnant and once the baby arrived. I guess I had a very romanticised idea of summer walks with a pram and a cute smiley baby but no substance behind it. I knew I leaned towards *crunchy mom* but it was all a bit distant and unreal to delve into until it was really happening. 

Reality of Motherhood: I've never been more exhausted or happier in my life. I'd heard about how sometimes you don't bond straight away and that it was ok and you love them as you get to know them. But that was not the case for me. As soon as I laid her against me I just adored her. 

With regards to my parenting style, I've stuck to my principles but I've also learned to go with the flow and to grow a hard skin. Everyone will have an opinion on everything you do. If you have done your own research and you are confident in your choice then smile and nod and ignore them. 

Taking your child home for the first time: My daughter was born at home (planned home birth). I have a very distinct memory of her first night after we all went to bed. She was laid on my left and my husband on my right and they were both snoring. It was lovely, but the novelty of that wore thin quickly.

The best/worst advice: Best advice was to hold her as much as I wanted and she wanted. Seriously, cuddle that baby. Inhale them and don't dare apologise for enjoying it. Worst advice was regarding early weaning in order to get more sleep. In fact, any advice about getting more sleep. What works for one baby won't work for them all and will just make you feel worse. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The loneliness is tough. It is something I did not foresee. Also the stress and worry; you will never be of peaceful mind again.

On a practical level I have struggled with weaning and food issues. My girl isn't big and she's not a great eater. It played on my mind for a long time that she wasn't getting enough. Then a fantastic book called 'My Child Won't Eat' was recommended to me and it really helped my mindset. 

The best part/s of being a mother: How can I choose just one thing? The cuddles and snotty kisses. The wonder in her eyes when she sees things that she hasn't before. Watching her learn new things. Knowing that when she's sad she wants me and that makes it better. 

When I take her out anywhere we ~always~ get people stopping to say how happy and lovely she is. That makes me want to burst with pride. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: Yes. It has changed my priorities, at least for the next few years. It has made me more passionate about making the world better for my daughter. It has made me more patient and relaxed. 

Hopes for your family: I would love another baby so that my girl can have someone on her team all of her life. But beyond that I want us to adventure together so that she is never afraid of doing new things alone when the time comes. I want my husband and I to demonstrate a healthy loving relationship so that she looks for the same thing and doesn't settle for less. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Trust your own instincts. Don't feel guilty about looking after yourself. Delegate to daddy or any other support you have. Ask for help if you need it. For anything and everything, from breastfeeding to PND.

Nabilah and Effie

Name: Nabilah

Child: Effie, Months

Location: Glossop
Expectations of Motherhood: I thought I had been around enough friends and family who have had children to give me an idea of what to expect. My partner has 2 children who stay with us part-time so I was used to having children around the house, and I had just about started to cope with this, so I thought I had a good idea of what was coming…….. How wrong I was. 

Reality of Motherhood: Motherhood is by far the hardest, most tiring and challenging thing I have ever done. It is also the most satisfying, enjoyable and fulfilling thing I have ever done. I now know I wasn’t prepared for how much my life was about to change. 

When you lie there looking at your baby and your heart could explode with how much love you have for her, knowing she is now your world. What you get back is worth it all.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was terrified and anxious. My partner had asked if we could go home the same day, I prayed for the midwife to say no, and thankfully she did. I needed a night under the watchful eye of the experts - surely they would give me some sort of test before I took this precious thing home to look after myself. 

The best/worst advice: The Worst advice was start as you mean to go on with baby; get into a routine asap and try to get out and about as soon as possible. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The unknown…. not knowing if you’re doing a good job, should you be doing something different, the lack of sleep, and the guilty feeling you get if you need timeout for yourself. 

The best parts of being a mother: All of it. Especially when she looks up at me and smiles or puts her hands out for a cuddle. I feel blessed that something so amazing as Effie has come into my world. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: More than I ever imagined. 

My worries are different, obviously, and my priorities have changed. I don’t remember life much before Effie. 

Hopes for your family: That we grow stronger together, having a great relationship and trusting each other. I hope to give Effie all that she needs and be the best I can be for her. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Trust your instincts. You know your baby better than anyone else. Don’t compare yourselves to new mums and your baby to new babies, you are individuals learning from each other. 

Katie, Ted and Beatrice

Name: Katie

Children: Ted, 3, and Beatrice, 6 months

Location: Sale

Expectations of Motherhood: Both me and my husband had an idealistic view of what it would be like when we had children. Of course, I’d never let my child have a dummy. And tantrums, we’d be able to deal with them really well. I also thought I’d be this really creative mum who’d constantly be doing stuff with her children.

I suppose you don’t think of all the downsides. You just imagine it to be this lovely thing; the baby arrives and you just spend all your time cuddling them. You think that your life basically goes on as it did before you had children.

A couple of times before I had Ted, when I was pregnant, people would say to me, ‘You need to go out and enjoy yourself before it’s over.’ I thought, my life won’t change that much. No, I’m still going to do everything. I’ll take him out and he’ll be with us in his car seat while we’re eating nice meals.

Reality of Motherhood: I had quite a difficult birth with Ted, which resulted in me having a c-section. It wasn’t at all what I’d wanted. I hadn’t even considered it as a possibility. I wanted a water birth - as most people do - and to have no intervention. In the end I was in the hospital for 3 days before I even had him. Then when he was born, I had to stay in hospital for another 3 days. It was hell because he just wouldn’t sleep. He just cried. I was absolutely exhausted.

I don’t think it ever crosses your mind that after you deliver this baby you’re have look after them as well. And at Wythenshawe you're on your own because husbands have to go home; at 10pm at night they leave until the next morning. I begged the midwives to let my husband come in an hour earlier, but they said, ‘No!’ 

I think that start made everything that bit more difficult.

When I became pregnant with Bea, I thought, I’m going to do this differently. I’m not just going to be waiting for her to come. With Ted, I was just so desperate to have him (and he was 6 days overdue). With Bea, I did yoga and learnt how to meditate, and it did actually work. I don’t tend to do stuff like that, but it was brilliant for me. I became quite mindful. In that week before she was born I used the time well. I made a pair of curtains for Ted’s room, and enjoyed the time we had. When I went into labour it was exactly what I’d expected it to be with Ted. We were kind of rushing to the hospital, and I delivered her really fast, and naturally, with no interception at all. It was brilliant. I went home the same day. We’d decided we would be really prepared with Bea so we’d bought everything in advance, including a dummy - I was not going to be a snob about it - but she just slept. She was a completely different baby. The whole experience was so different.

In hindsight, after having Bea, and having time to reflect on Ted’s birth and when he was small, I don’t know if it was actually depression, but I definitely had proper baby blues. I feel like I had it for a while. At the time you’re so involved in it that you don’t think that’s what’s happening, and a lot of people say, ‘That happens to everyone. You’re fine,’ but I didn’t leave the house on my own with Ted on my own for months. It was about four months before I actually went out in the car with him on my own. I was terrified. With Bea, we were doing stuff after we’d been home for a couple of days. I didn’t have any worry or anxiety with her even though I expected to. 

Taking your children home: I was so relived to take Ted home, but then he just didn’t sleep. I think that’s was when it struck us that our lives had changed so much. He didn’t sleep the first night at all. My husband was just in shock - he’d been going home on his own every night and getting a full night’s sleep while I’d been in hospital. He couldn’t believe it. We changed so many nappies, we fed him again and again, but he wouldn’t stop crying. We tried everything, but nothing really worked.

When I came home with Bea, it felt so normal. She was so laid back and settled. In a way it felt like she’d always been here. She just fitted in. The next day, we woke up with her in our room and Ted came in. It just felt completely normal. There wasn’t any disruption. I think it’s because our lives had already changed massively after having Ted. We didn’t have that period of grief for the life that we’d lost. 

They’ve been entirely different children. Some people say, ‘Is it because they’re girl and boy?’ But, who knows. I’m know I’m not having another one to find out! 

Best Advice: I’ve got a few friends who are due to have babies any day now. I’ve just said to them, ‘You will know what’s right. Trust your instincts’.
First time, I was so desperate to have a quick fix, but you have to follow what is right. I was constantly seeking that perfect advice. We’d spend hours in Mothercare looking for something that would help us. Obviously there wasn’t anything - he was colicky. I do think if you follow what you think’s best then it tends to just work.

I actually did everything I was told not to. They said, ‘Don’t feed them to sleep,’ but I fed Ted to sleep. Then they said, ‘Don’t rock them to sleep,’ but for a bit, after I fed him we rocked him to sleep. We were worried that he was never going to be able to sleep on his own. People would say to us, ‘You need to let him cry,’ but it would be awful and he’d make himself sick. It was just not working. 

In the end we decided to do it our way, and gradually he learned to get to sleep by himself, steadily, and at his own pace. Now he’s absolutely fine. So many people I speak to are worried about these things, and feel so guilty for doing them, but it’s not doing any harm.

I’ve got one friend who’s especially helpful. I think it’s because she gives really positive advice. I think that’s a great way to be. A lot of people can be really condemning. I hope to be like her when people ask me for advice. 

Worst advice: I’ve heard some terrible things, but I probably shouldn’t say!
I think some people don’t realise how things have changed and so they push ideas that are now considered quite old fashioned. It’s tricky to listen and be polite whilst being fully aware that you can’t take it on. It can be hard to take advice when you don’t want to.

This time, I’ve not had so much advice. People tend to back off a little with the second child. First time, you get given it whether you ask for it or not. 

Best part of being a mother: Watching how they grow and learn. I know it sounds cheesy but we’re always amazed by Ted especially. I went back to work after having him and he went into nursery pretty much full time. Now when I’m off I get to see how quickly he’s developing and how his language and imagination are growing. I find that incredible.

It’s amazing how they love you and trust you as well. You can never explain that to anyone, the relationship you have with them. It’s like having little friends around (that you argue with occasionally). Ted’s like a companion to me. It can be really lonely being off work so having someone there with you, who knows you, and knows when you’re upset or angry, it’s lovely. In the last year Ted’s turned into a real person. He’s definitely not a baby anymore and I love doing stuff with him.

Worst parts of being a mother: The sleep deprivation. I hate it. It’s the worst thing. Bea wakes up about every two hours at the moment. We’re going through a bad stage.

I miss the freedom of being able to just leave the house on a whim, without thinking. Now, I have to think of everything. And I’m not the most organised person, so often I’ll leave the house without stuff I need and I end up having to improvise. I don’t think I ever relax because I’m constantly preparing for something to happen.

Social media is another thing. I’m just as guilty, but, people only upload the amazing things. It’s so easy to look at other people lives and be envious. Friends without children enjoying a really different life; going on holidays, going away on mini breaks, eating at really nice restaurants. I have to remember what I’ve got instead. I’m sure at the same time people might look at us and think that we have the perfect life. People have said to me, ‘You make it look so easy with two’, but I say I’m not putting the horrible photos on, like when I’m having a screaming argument with a toddler. 

Has being a mother changed you? Yes, definitely. Completely. I think I thought I was a really laid back person, and other people did too because I’m quite disorganised and messy, but actually, having children you have to let go even more of everything. I have to let go of the fact that our house is always going to be a mess and there’s nothing I can do! Even if I thoroughly tidy it’s messy again within minutes. We can’t have really nice things in our house because they get wrecked. When we moved into this house we put effort into making the house nice, then Ted drew on the carpet with a black wax crayon. I’ve had to change how I feel about stuff like that.

For example, you have an idea that you’ll be able to bake a cake with your child and it’ll be really nice, but for us all Ted ever wants to do is eat the ingredients. If we’re painting, it drives me mad because he wants to mix all the colours together, and he wants to colour things in the wrong way. You just have to let go and say, it’s ok. Make a mess, it’s fine.

I think I’ve grown up a lot since becoming a mum. I’ve realised that some things just aren’t important anymore. I used to get so stressed about work, and then I’d come home to the children and think, ‘Why are we all fussing about something that minor?’ It puts things into perspective. Actually, that was one of the best things about going back to work after having Ted. I became more mindful and thought, ‘This is really silly, I’m not rushing around doing this. What’s the worst that will happen?’ 

Neither me or my husband brings work home with us now. We spend our days working solidly until we pick them up and then we can relax. I don’t want to put work first, but at the same time I really want to work still. That was one of the things I hadn’t expected. I’d thought I’d finish work and I’d want to stay at home, but after a bit - maybe on the first day! - I thought, ‘work is so much easier than this! It’s so much easier that being at home on your own and entertaining someone that doesn’t talk to you.’ Some people think that it’s a shame for me, as a working mum. I don’t think they realise that I choose to work because I want to and I like applying my mind to something different. There’s more to me than being a mum.

Hopes for your family: We want to make our children's childhood the best it can possibly be. As we are both teachers it's important to make the most of our holidays by spending our time together. There are so many places I want to travel to and think it will now be even more fun (if not very different!) with children. We both want to encourage them to have creative and enquiring minds and know that we are proud of their achievements.

What advice would you give expectant mums? Trust your instinct and trust what feels best for you and your family. Try not to doubt yourself or compare yourself to others; we're all in it together!

Lorna and Dexter

Name: Lorna

Child: Dexter, 16 months

Location: Cheadle Hulme

Expectations of Motherhood: I never expected it to be a walk in the park, but I have to confess to thinking it would be significantly easier than working full time. I envisaged a few tough but equally wonderful months of getting into a routine before embarking on a maternity leave that would allow me the chance to indulge in all of the things I never had enough time to do, with the added bonus of having a new little pal in tow. My house would be tidier, I’d cook lovely meals every night and for the first time ever I’d fall in love with exercise because I’d have all this spare time, meaning I’d shift that all-important ‘baby weight’ and go back to work feeling a million dollars. And most importantly, I’d make sure that Dave and I still had ‘date’ time –because your life doesn’t have to stop just because you have a baby, right?

Reality of Motherhood: Well, I definitely had a little pal in tow, mainly due to the fact Dexter fed constantly during the first few months and refused to sleep in his cot during the day until he was about 8 months old. I also really surprised myself by how strongly I felt about him being with me or Dave at all times; we didn’t leave him and have that all important ‘date’ time (or should I say ‘date hour’) until he was almost 9 months old. That was partly due to circumstance as my parents live in Spain (in my crazy new-mum head, my mum was the only other person who could possibly look after him), but if I’m honest I just couldn’t bear to be apart from Dexter, even though I was also massively yearning for a bit of time to myself.

I found maternity leave and the first year of motherhood a massive rollercoaster; there were days when I felt so utterly joyous and lucky to have this gorgeous, healthy boy in my life that I couldn’t ever imagine going back to work. Equally, there were lots of times when the sleep deprivation and groundhog day-style monotony of caring for a young baby really got to me: looking back, I wailed the very un-maternal words ‘I just want my old life back’ at pretty regular intervals. It wasn’t so much that I was craving big nights out or wild parties but I just couldn’t get to grips with not being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. It turns out that having a baby is bloody hard work. 

Taking your child home for the first time: It felt like an out of body experience! I hadn’t slept properly for about three days and felt like I’d been kicked in the chest and nether regions by a very large horse (apparently the chest bit was due to some interesting positions thrashing about over the side of the pool but fortunately my memory seems to have blocked out that rather undignified part). After waiting to go home all day we finally set foot back into our house at 10pm so there wasn’t really any time to get ourselves sorted or have any kind of ‘and breathe’ moment before getting started on our first night at home.

I was overwhelmed by love and fear in equal measures, and although Dexter actually slept pretty well I was totally wired. I remember dragging my sore, shattered body out of bed and taking him from our room into his to feed because I’d bought a new chair to feed him in, so I couldn’t possibly do it anywhere else (!). Sitting munching chocolate digestives recommended by the midwife for my low blood sugar levels (a new habit that my thighs are now not thanking me for) I remember wondering how everything could have changed so much in the 24 hours since I was last in the house.

Best advice: ‘Just do whatever you need to do to get yourself through this phase’. Dexter had never been a great sleeper but between 4 and 8 months it stepped up to a whole new level of hideous. Not only did I feel horrendous but I was constantly worrying that he would get into even worse habits that could never be rectified- oh the drama! My friend gave me this advice after a night of being up every 30mins with him and it gave me the confidence to go with my instinct rather than what I thought I should be doing.

Worst advice: ‘Don’t let him get into the habit of sleeping on you’. Practically speaking, this is probably good advice and would have spared me some wrinkles down the line but I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. My thunderbolt of love for Dexter didn’t come the moment he was born; it built up over those first few weeks and months of having him so close to me day after day. Some of my most precious memories are of when Dave first went back to work and we spent hours, just the two of us, dozing on the sofa. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: It’s a cliché but there’s a whole heap of guilt- guilt about enjoying working full time, guilt about leaving work earlier than I used to, guilt about not doing enough ‘activities’ with Dexter, guilt about other people looking after him…it’s a pretty endless list really. And yes, I do still miss doing what I want, when I want!

The best parts of being a mother: The laughter- I can honestly say I’ve never laughed as much in my life as I have since having Dexter. He’s had such a strong personality since the day he burst onto the scene and-although I probably would have mocked anyone saying this before I had him- he’s hilarious. I find myself belly laughing on a regular basis and that’s something that gets you through the tougher days of being a mum. After ten years together it’s also made me fall a little bit more in love with Dave- he has developed what I call the ‘Dexter smile’. It doesn’t make an appearance for anyone else but he beams pure love whenever they’re together and that’s a pretty amazing thing to witness between your husband and son. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? This is the hardest question to answer as in many ways I feel that I’m exactly the same person that I always was but in others, everything has changed. For me, the most difficult part of maternity leave was feeling like I didn’t exist as a person outside of being Dexter’s mum and coming back to work, I found it hard to fit back in with my younger colleagues whose lives now seem so very different from my own.

On the plus side I’m more content than I’ve ever been- Dexter has completed a part of me that I had no idea was empty and the fact that we’ve made it through the first 16 months with relatively few battle scars is probably my greatest achievement to date. I’m also poorer, fatter and have significantly more wrinkles but you can’t have everything!  

Hopes for your family: As well as the standard health and happiness that all mums wish for their children, I want Dexter to have the confidence to believe he really can achieve anything he sets his mind to and to see as much of the world as is humanly possible. As a family, I hope we can keep laughing as we have so far. Failing all of that, a lottery win would be lovely. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?Don’t doubt yourself- you’ll find your own way in your own time. 

Your baby will still love you and be a decent human being even if you don’t go to fifteen classes a week.

Be open to making ‘mum’ friends- I was sceptical but was lucky enough to meet some great girls who helped me survive the sleep deprivation with plenty of cake and laughs.

Lucy and Eden

Name: Lucy 

Child: Eden, 10 months

Location: Burnage, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I expected motherhood to be easier, but then again I expected it to be harder. I expected motherhood to be full of gurgles and love but I'd only ever known this expectation as an observer, so when I was THE MOTHER, I couldn't believe how each gurgle broke my heart and how the love I felt was more than I had ever experienced before (sorry husband!). I also wasn't prepared for the sisterhood that I found. I thought that motherhood would be far more isolating. However, having a baby connected me on a deeper level to some incredible women (and their partners). 

Reality of Motherhood: The reality of motherhood for me changes on a weekly basis. Some weeks it's all...sick and changing nappies. Then it's sleeplessness. Then it's struggling to get a shower or brush my teeth. Then it was hair loss. Then it was marvelling at huge developments in Eden's ability. Then it was teething. Then it was remembering to feed another human being other than myself. Each time I nailed one reality, a new one would begin and it was a process for me having to deal with that one too! Other than the practicalities of being a new mum, the emotional reality was (and is) at times too much to put in to words. There was all of a sudden a person that I couldn't stop staring at, smiling at, crying at, just being completely in love with, which made all of the former realities vetoed. If I were to paint a picture of me in early motherhood, it would be me sitting on my bed, in my husband's t-shirt (maybe leaking from my bra), aching with tiredness but smiling like a maniac. I am surprised that I'm still married. 

Taking your children home for the first time: I will forever remember the drive home from the hospital. Eden had terrible forcep marks on her face from birth and this kept us in hospital for longer than we would have liked and it was quite a traumatic experience. However, leaving the hospital, I felt like we'd escaped and I even kept looking back to the hospital as we drove away wondering if the midwives were chasing behind the car. But walking through our garden gate and up to our house, I felt like an intruder walking in on my old life. It was my home but I didn't recognise it. I remember saying things like 'Eden this is your home! This is where we live! Welcome home!" But all these words felt foreign. Just seeing her in our house felt so bizarre and it took a few days for my raging hormones to adjust to our new set-up. She felt so small and I felt so responsible, and rightly so, but everything was just so new that I could not prepare for any of my feelings. All of a sudden, I felt I had grown up.

The best/worst advice: The best advice that I got was through my hypnobirthing instructor and that was to trust my body. Your body knows best. The most incredible part of being a mother is childbirth. It is an experience so intense and so powerful that you have nothing you can do except trust your body. I feel like this affirmation has crept in to my brain since childbirth, on days where I have been running on 3 hours sleep or I have felt like crying for no reason. Trust your body, go with it and you'll come out the other side just fine. 

The worst piece of advice that I ever received was "olive oil cures all newborn skin problems'... so off we went to purchase some olive oil and slathered it on her skin... What they meant was special olive oil for skin, not Marks & Spencer extra virgin. Who knew?!

The hardest parts of being a mother:
The hardest part of being a mother is probably twofold.
1. Give yourself a BREAK. Not just a 5 minute break to get a hot cuppa and social media catch-up. But a pat-on-the-back-you're-doing-an-awesome-job BREAK. Pre-motherhood, I was very critical of myself so I feared for my sanity as I entered motherhood but strangely I found an inner peace once I'd had Eden. She is my harshest critic; if i'm being shit, she'll let me know. But then again, if i'm being awesome then it's smiles and giggles all round! Hooray!
2. Give yourself a BREAK. Happy wife...Happy life?! Well, happy mum... If I'm run down and stressed then I'll make a crappy dinner, sulk in front of the TV once Eden is in bed and probably have a bad night's sleep. Where as if I've been kind to myself then I am on form...and the rest is history.

The best parts of being a mother:
There are no limits to the great parts of being a mama but I'd say the overarching thing has to be LOVE. The love for your new child, the love for your partner (even if it's a little harder to locate at times), the love for your body. My strongest and fondest memory of early motherhood was when Eden was crying and I just could not work out what was wrong, she was fed, burped, clean, and then I picked her up and she nestled her head in to my chest; I realised that she just wanted me. I had to keep reminding myself that I was her world. She didn't know that I was a new mum and that all this was new to me; she just wanted to be in her safe place and that was with me. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: It was given me wider eyes, I see things differently now and I cry at everything. Becoming a mother allowed me to be the person that I always wanted to be. I realised that i'd let jobs and other mundane crap block who I really was, and then when I had Eden, I had the time to let all my barriers down and just be me. There was no time to pretend.

Eden inspired me to start up my business whilst on mat leave and without her I wouldn't have realised that I had the potential in me to do it! (www.acornandpip.com)

Hopes for your family: I hope Eden takes after my husband; funny and charismatic. I hope we get a dog. I hope we have more children (I think i'm a little obsessed with kids now). I hope my new business does well. 

I set up an email account for Eden when she was born and occasionally I send her a little email or some photos (thanks to the Google advert for the idea!). I really hope that she opens the email account in years to come and understands where her dad and I are coming from. I hope that in amongst all of gooey, lovey-dovey-ness of the emails, she sees that all we want for her is to be happy in life.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I don't feel in a position to give anyone good advice as I see my wonderful friends raising their babies differently to me but they are doing the most incredible jobs. I suppose this in itself leads to a piece of good advice (sorry!); trust in your own ability to raise your child. My love is all that Eden has ever known and I love her more than anything, so this in itself means I am doing a good job... right?

Visit Lucy's site www.acornandpip.com 

Follow her on Twitter at @acornandpip  and Instagram @acornandpip

Gemma, Joel and Nathaniel

Name: Gemma 

Children: Joel, 3 years 9 months. Nathaniel 14 months

Location: Sale

Previous blog: http://www.the-mothers.co.uk/2013/04/gemma-and-joel.html

Since the last blog post: We’ve had a busy few years. I found out I was pregnant with Nathaniel about a month before Joel turned 3. We were in the process of buying a new house and I was busy back at work. When I was only a few weeks pregnant we moved in with Steven’s parents whilst we renovated our new house, at the same time I had a massive bleed and assumed I must have miscarried. I waited an agonising weekend for a scan whilst I bled continually. We were astonished when the sonographer told us there was a strong heartbeat, and thankfully I went on to have a healthy pregnancy. 

When I was 5 months pregnant Joel suffered a serious infection and was rushed to hospital where he was given strong antibiotics and fluids. It was a really scary time for all of us and having just thought I was going to lose the new baby we had genuine worry that we were going to lose our big baby. Once he came out of hospital we then spent a very difficult couple of months living with Steven’s parents with a really unsettled toddler. Emotions were high and we were incredibly relived to finally move into our new house. 

On the last blog I said I wanted a bigger house and a new baby, I feel very privileged to have got exactly what I wished for – even if the road to this was a bit bumpy!

I spent most of my first pregnancy worrying about getting Joel here safely, during this pregnancy I spent most of the time worrying that I was not going to be able to cope with two children and I was really concerned about the impact it was going to have on Joel. 

The pregnancy itself was fine after the first few weeks, I got SPD towards the end but I don’t think I really had much time to think about it. The night before I went into labour I cuddled Joel in his room and cried because it dawned on me that it was our last night alone together. It was a weird sadness and one that I had not anticipated. I was worried I would not have enough love for a second child and that Joel would resent me for being made to share. Even though we made an active and considered choice to have two children, these thoughts appeared unexpected and uninvited. 

I had contractions on and off for a day the day after my due date and we had child care on standby, but they stopped. I remember picking Joel up from nursery and waiting at the lights to cross over to bring him home and I knew they had started again (it’s true that keeping active helps get things going!). 

I put Joel to bed and tried to get some rest, but at 11pm I called the hospital as the contractions were every 2 minutes. I didn’t trust myself as I had been sent home from hospital with Joel so I called and asked for advice telling them they were frequent but didn’t hurt. The midwife calmly told me to wake my husband and get to hospital immediately. I still expected to be sent home when I was examined but I was taken straight to the delivery suite. I wasn’t really in pain and enjoyed a cup of tea and a chat with the midwife. 

I hadn’t really thought about a second labour and had taken for granted that it would be as magical as it was the first time. It was not. Having had an easy few hours I had a very dramatic transitional stage and really wanted to leave the hospital. I suddenly felt terrified and completely out of control. I remember taking on so much gas and air I was completely delirious. I pushed when I shouldn’t have done and collapsed on the bed saying ‘thank god that’s over’. I will never forget the look of alarm between the midwife and Steven before she told me I had not had the baby, and had hallucinated it. It was the single strangest experience of my life. I really thought I’d done it. She told me she could not even see his head but then minutes later she burst my waters and he was born, healthy and screaming.

I re-read my previous entry before writing this, and it saddens me that Nathaniel’s entrance into the world was not magical like Joel’s. I was in total shock when he was born and could not believe he was really mine. I certainly did not get the instant connection and I felt very detached. He was screaming and thrashing about and would not feed easily. I had to be stitched up and left on my own so Steven could get home for Joel. The whole thing felt bizarre. I recognise how lucky I am to have had two straight forward short intervention free labours, and so I cannot imagine how women recover after a difficult delivery. I felt traumatised and undignified and this was completely new to me.

Breast-feeding was a struggle in the first few weeks but having been there before and knowing I could do it I got plenty of support and eventually we both got the hang of it. It was very important to me that I breast-feed Nathaniel, but it’s hard work with a toddler competing for attention, and I quickly began to feel resentful that it was all on me all of the time. I decided not to express milk this time round and we tried to get Nathaniel to take a bottle so I could share feeding him with Steven. When this finally clicked for him life certainly got easier for us and I could commit some more time to Joel. This for me is the reality of having two children- there are often two conflicting priorities and I needed to figure out the happiest compromise.

Joel struggled to adjust to having a sibling. I know this is not the case for all children but for him, his life really was chaos for a year or so. Moving house, a serious illness and then a brother was probably all a bit too much. I know we expected too much from him and I have re-learned to parent over the last year. Things I used to do, I do not consider acceptable anymore. I think I used to be quite strict and we were obsessed with routine and sleep. I care much less about all of this now as in my opinion, it just doesn’t really matter. I would never do controlled crying again, I try to take a very gentle approach to parenting and we try not to shout or punish. That doesn’t mean there aren’t rules, there are, and Joel is growing into a very responsible and respectful child. We talk a lot and make decisions as a family. He has his say and knows that we value his opinion. I anticipate this will be much easier with Nathaniel as that ethos is already there in our house now. We try to have a lot of fun and for me that is the most important thing. I might not be able to give them all of the things other kids have but I am teaching them to be grateful for all the wonderful things we have and how to laugh – a lot. 

Has motherhood changed you? Undoubtedly. My priorities are different – on nearly everything. Yes I still love all the things I loved before I had children, but I accept and am happy with my life which is now full of play-dates, nappies, paw patrol, and fish fingers. I really appreciate little luxuries now and feel I don’t take anything for granted the way I might have done previously. I still struggle with the work life balance and sometimes feel like I’m not doing anything particularly well. My work can be emotionally draining and sometimes the last thing I want to do after a day at work is make long jump hurdles in the lounge, or sing row row your boat a dozen times, but my children did not choose for me to go to work and so I owe it to them to be enthusiastic and give them my full attention when I do get home. Equally, I can’t let my work suffer because I’m not in the office two days a week. I know I talk about my kids incessantly and I probably drive my colleagues mad with my stories and endless photos, but I can’t switch off from them; they are always there in the forefront of my mind and I relate everything I do to them.

Hardest part of being a mother: When anyone is ill. Kids ill? Childcare nightmare. Grown ups ill? Childcare nightmare. There is nothing worse than trying to muster the energy to entertain children when you feel rotten. No, that’s not true, looking after poorly children and worrying about them is much worse than being ill myself.

The hardest part of being a mother to two children is splitting my time. Before Nathaniel, Joel did not have to share me with anyone. I could play with play dough all day if he wanted, run round the park? No problem. Read ‘giraffe’s can’t dance’ 50 times? Let’s do it. Now, I find myself saying ‘just give me five minutes’ or I’m just feeding natey’ too often. When Nate was tiny I thought it was tricky as he fed almost constantly, but when he was finished I could just put him down and concentrate on Joel. Now they are both after my attention, and both on the move – usually in opposite directions. It’s hard to find activities that entertain them both and they both seem to move into a new phase together, so when Nate was small – and stationary- Joel didn’t have the concentration span for his train set or lego, now he’s got an interest in these things, Nate is on the move and hell bent on destroying any quiet organised play.

Best part of being a mother: I actually really enjoy the things I now have an excuse to do with the kids – sealife centre, crafts, walks in the park, farms, zoos. I love exploring the world with the boys and seeing new things as they do.

Cuddles all the time. I know they won’t last forever and so I’m banking them now. When Joel reaches over to hold my hand or leans in and tells me he loves me, all his tantrums and hitting just melt away. I hope Nathaniel is as affectionate as he gets older. He’s already blowing kisses so I’m optimistic!

What you wish you’d known before having children: That you are never alone, yet sometimes feel completely isolated. Having kids is a great way of meeting people but it takes you away from all of the things that you knew before. Work is not the same, friendships you had for years change, and your relationship with your partner is sometimes unrecognisable. I have sat in baby groups with women I really like and felt like a complete outsider, I have sat for lunch with childless friends and wanted to cry because I felt like I had nothing to contribute, I have sat down for dinner with my husband and realised that we haven’t spoken about anything other than children in days. Sometimes I feel like I am the only person in the world who is really struggling (when I know this is not the case). As a mother you always have company from your little people, and this for the most part is great, but let’s be honest here, it can be boring. I didn’t know it was okay to admit that until recently but it is so true. Repeatedly hiding a plastic cup under a pillow might be exciting for a one year old, just like whizzing a train around a track is exciting for a 4 year old, but to a 32 year old? Not so much. I love seeing my kids happy but adult company can be a very welcome break. That said, there are times where I am in adult company and think ‘I’d be having more fun with my kids’ so maybe I just can’t be pleased!

Any more advice for mothers and expectant mums: Don’t be hard on yourself, and surround yourself with people you trust. Be honest with yourself and those you love. If you need help – ask for it. Live by a park, buy lots of storage, sleep when you can, and find what works for your family.