Jess, Evelyn, Rosina and Polly

Name: Jess 

Children: Evelyn 6, Rosina 2, Polly 10 months

Location: Levenshulme, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I am incredibly lucky to have older siblings who all have ace partners. All of them had children before I did and my mum was so overjoyed when the first Grandchild Alasdair came along 11 years ago. She insisted we all leave work and sit in the Hospital canteen until he arrived (Polly was the last of 15 Grandchildren and I think I sent a text, and nobody came to visit!!). 

I spent alot of time watching my brothers and their partners and learned loads. I wasn't scared to have Evelyn passed to me when she was born and from that minute it felt right. That's not to say the sleeplessness wasn't hard, or I didn't panic when they got spots, but I didn't feel anxious as a new mum. I wrote a birth plan the first time round, afterwards realising it was probably made into paper aeroplanes by the Midwives - I didn't bother again after my 1st.  

Sadly when I was pregnant the second time my beautiful Mum died from kidney cancer. She saw the 12 week scan picture and sobbed. I can't imagine how heartbroken she must have felt knowing she would never meet the baby. She was one of my best friends and an amazing role model: calm, patient, tolerant and compassionate. Ironically my 2nd child is the most like her in looks. My expectations of being a Mum involved having her around to watch my children grow up. Without her, it is all quite alot harder.

Reality of Motherhood: I am always 2 weeks overdue; my third baby was 16 days late. I felt more confident the more children I had to fight against induction. I do believe that babies pay no heed to dates and come when they are ready. I am very lucky to have felt an immediate bond with each child when they were born, but I know lots of my friends who didn't. I am pretty sure that helped in getting us off to the right start. 

I thought I knew alot about having children, but the relentlessness of some of it is something you don't know until you have your own children. There is a constant demand for time, attention, food, comfort and (at the moment) I have very little time for my own space. I grew up in a big family with lots of people around all the time so I do like chaos and noise, but I also appreciate peace the older I get! Also as my children have got older, I realise that the baby/toddler stage can be tough, but actually negotiating the world, life, death, morals, rights and wrongs as the children grow up is tricky too. Evelyn has asked a lot of questions about death and how unfair it is to die if people still want you to be alive. All important questions, but when you are tired and grieving they are very hard questions to answer.

Taking your children home for the first time: They were 3 very different experiences. Evelyn came home to a tidy house which was prepared for a new baby, Rosina was born into water in the dining room (on purpose, not by accident!) and Polly came home to 2 big sisters, a house full of toys and adventure, and we both had to hit the ground running. I do remember bringing Ev home and my husband saying it was like being allowed to fall in love all over again (though he'd deny it if you asked him now!). I love the first few weeks with a new baby; there is a sense of calm in our house because the baby has arrived and it's all OK. Then things calm down and gently return to as it was before.

The best/worst advice: I remember one Midwife visiting after I'd had Evelyn and telling me my sofa 'might have looked nice in the catalogue but it was awful for breastfeeding'. She happened to be the Midwife who turned up for my 2nd home birth and was so 'old school' I loved her, she let me labour in peace and let me trust my body. It has taken me 37 years to realise and accept that you can't compare any life experiences with anyone, ever. Every parent and every child is different, if you take advice, do just that, take it, say thank you and get on with what you were doing.

 

The hardest parts of being a mother: At the moment (and I do know this is temporary) I struggle making time for myself. I put everyone else's needs first and that means I often feel exhausted and want to sit in a dark room on my own and rock gently!  Having 3 with a relatively small gap also means that the youngest are both still quite dependant; 2 sets of nappies, lack of sleep etc. That is tough. I also found that on occasion I get embroiled in a 'I'm more tired' argument with my Husband. I have honestly never had a boss or employer who worked me as hard as children do. It is full on, non-stop 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and at times, exhausting. Somedays I fall into bed realising that I have needed the loo/drink for hours and haven't managed to.

The best parts of being a mother: Well, this is bit that makes it all worth it..the fun, laughter, mess, chaos, kisses, cuddles, the smell of their heads.. all of it. I spend my days with 3 people who have a sense of inquisitiveness and excitement at the opening of a box. I go swimming with Evelyn and its like being 6 again. I blow raspberries on Rosina's belly and the noise she makes would cheer the heaviest heart. They are learning and growing every day and I am excited to see who they grow into and what sense they make of the world. My Mum didn't live in the past and talk about us as children a lot, she enjoyed us at every stage of our lives and I want to do the same.  As amazing as babies are, watching Polly learn to clap, Rosina learn to climb a ladder, Evelyn learn to swim under water is all as thrilling and life-enhancing.  I feel very privileged to call them my children.

Has becoming a mother changed you? I'm not really sure. I always wanted to be a Mum so I feel like I now have the brood I always wanted. I've never really spent lots of money on clothes or been glamorous,  so the yoghurt/snot/Weetabix/sick all over my clothes by 7.35am doesn't bother me. I don't drink as much, or make my mates stay up until the small hours drinking whisky and talking nonsense, so I'm sure they are pleased about that. My best chum Gemma said she thinks I've managed to stay me throughout 3 kids, so I'll take that as a compliment (and she benefits from me wanting a cup of tea before midnight and not tequila shots..).

Hopes for your family: I do try and be mindful and live in the here and now. If I'd have had any hopes for our future it would have been that my Mum were here to meet the children and give me a hand, and she isn't. 

My only hopes are that they can steer their own path through life, appreciate life for what it is and that if and when they have any sadness, they can still see how amazing life is and find something to make them smile.  I know they will be interesting, bright and caring women and I am very excited to watch them grow up. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I would try not to be presumptuous that my advice would work for anyone other than me (!) but if I were to meet myself before children, or if my children ever ask, I'd say 5 things: 1. Get sleep whenever you can, 2. Accept help 3. Be confident that what you are doing is right 4. If you are going to read *any* books, make it Stand and deliver by Emma Mahony, any Dr Sears books and The Incredible years by Carolyn Webster Stratton 5. Nobody else is doing it better than you, they just say they are..

Clare, Oscar, Archie and Iris

Name: Clare 

Children: Oscar (10), Archie (8), Iris (6) 

Location: West Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: As I was the first of my group of friends to have a baby, I was pretty naïve about what I was letting myself in for. I was never particularly career focused and always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mum if possible.

I imagined the sleepless nights and all the hard work would all be made worthwhile by this little bundle of joy that I would love with all my heart. I imagined that through hard work and lots of love I would produce a beautiful family that I would be proud of every step of the way.

Reality of Motherhood: It has turned out completely different to how I imagined. My eldest son, Oscar has been diagnosed with high functioning autism (Aspergers) along with ADHD and was (and continues to be) so much harder than I ever thought a child could be. As a baby, he was irascible, grumpy, angry, unsettled and generally unbearable unless he was being carried. He would not sleep and would not lie on his own for more than one minute without screaming the house down. I knew babies could be difficult but he was just different to other babies. It was obvious from the start that my idea of the perfect family was not going to come to fruition. 

Although I had two more children soon after who are calm, quiet and seemed in comparison very easy, Oscar’s behaviour continues to dominate our lives. We are restricted to where we can go as he gets angry and stressed very easily. He can also be incredibly unkind to his siblings and is unable to see that his cruel behavior impacts on all around him. I am very fortunate to have a soul mate in my partner as I couldn’t have dealt with life without him. As many parents of autistic parents know, it can put a huge amount of strain on your relationship dealing with this behavior day in, day out.

As a mother, I knew I would be a cook, cleaner, nurse, playmate, confidante, friend and teacher, but I suppose I didn’t think that I would have a child with disabilities. It’s hard to understand someone’s behavior when it’s so different to your own and your other children’s. It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t look like they want to be loved and mostly acts like they don’t love you, and who flinches when you hug them. It’s hard to love someone who hurts your children, who belittles them and who constantly berates them, but in the end you have to, because they are your child, your blood - they are part of you. I never thought motherhood would be this hard. 

The reality of my perfect family has been shattered as living with a child with a disability completely takes over you and your family’s world. In reality, I feel like I ‘parallel’ parent my children. There are rules that Oscar follows and if he does, we are eternally grateful. The other children are expected to follow these basic rules and perform above and beyond because this is what typically developing children should do. Although it’s hard to explain to a 6 year old why she has to do something and her 10 year old brother does not. It has made our younger children patient, kind and thoughtful around children with difficulties and I hope this difficult start, dealing with a brother with disabilities will make them special people. This is what I want out of motherhood – to bring up kind, considerate and likeable people.

Taking your children home for the first time: It was daunting bringing Oscar home for the first time. Suddenly this wasn’t me playing a game of happy families, it was real life and I now had this tiny thing waiting for me, who relied on me and needed me. Scary!

When the Archie and Iris came home, they just slotted in to every day life as if they were always there. I often thought, ‘why did I find it so hard first time round?’.

The best/worst advice: I have a child who has always been very difficult, appears badly behaved and is almost impermeable to discipline. People would judge me without knowing what I was dealing with, they would offer advice on how to deal with Oscar without understanding the difficulties he faced, and proceeded to advise me on how they would deal with him. Most advice I received that related to Oscar wasn’t useful as people couldn’t put themselves in his shoes (or mine).

The best advice I was given as a mother was by my own Mum (as is often the case). She told me that I was a warrior and that I was given Oscar because I was strong enough to deal with him and with all the other people who would judge me because of his behavior. Her advice was, and is, to be strong and to believe in myself because I am going to help Oscar to become a kind, functioning and competent man. I just hope she is right.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Its relentlessness!! The fact that you never really feel that you live your life for yourself anymore. It’s a total act of selflessness which can sometimes be overwhelming.

Sometimes I feel like I want to give up and let Oscar continue on down his path of destruction and selfishness, but I know that I can’t. I have to keep plugging away at him, trying to set him on the right path and showing him that I love him no matter how he acts. But it’s so very hard. 

The irony of having a child like Oscar is that he finds it hard to put himself in other people’s shoes, but it’s also very hard to put yourself in his shoes and understand his world – it must be really hard being him and my heart melts when I think how hard his life must be. I wish I could make it easier for him, but I can’t and I find that hard too.

The best parts of being a mother: Having had a child who doesn’t like affection or being hugged, I love the affection that I get from my other children. I love the fact that they need me and want me. I am so proud of them all in their own ways, with their individual characters and infuriating ways and I look at them and think ‘wow, I made these amazing people’. No feeling in the world comes close to being a Mum.

Although I have focused on negatives of having a child with disabilities, there are plenty of amazing things about Oscar that I wouldn’t change for the world. He is a funny, quirky and very intelligent person who makes me laugh and cry in equal quantities (almost!) and I honestly wouldn’t change him for the world. The things that others take for granted with their typically developing children are often the best things for me as a mum. When I told him that we were going to watch a United game, he gave me a hug unprompted with proper feeling. That was one of the best days for me. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: I don’t think so. I have always been capable, competitive, organized and loving and these are the tools that I use every day being a Mum. I am probably a little less self obsessed and a lot more tolerant than I used to be. But I am still me just with less time on my hands.

Hopes for your family: For Oscar, I hope he is able to be independent, to have friends, to be liked and to be happy. I wish the same things for Archie and Iris, but I know these things are much more achievable for them.

I hope that they love each other and look after each other and that they are kind and compassionate. I want people to love them as I do. I hope that their childhood, living and dealing with a disability, will shape them and help them to become good people. Then I will feel like I have done my job as a mum.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Although it seems that everyone else is having an easy ride, finding motherhood easy and that their child is perfect (ie. that their child sleeps through at 6 weeks, never cries, eats everything they put in front of it, entertains itself for hours in the morning when it wakes), just remember that most people are lying and everyone is finding it as hard as you, its just that you’re being honest! 

Jo, Lucy, Ava and Chloe

Name: Jo

Children: Lucy 9, Ava 6 and Chloe 3 

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: Si and I met when we were teenagers. We went to University and moved in together, then bought our house, got married and babies were next.... that’s how it happens isn’t it? 

Except after all those years of trying not to get pregnant I thought it’d be so easy, you know – stop taking those little pills and hey presto 40 weeks later a gorgeous baby and so on. I imagined a lovely little boy who’d look just like his Daddy, I’d breast feed, go to playgroups, have the patience of a saint and juggle motherhood with work no problem.... hahaha. 

Reality of Motherhood: Well I never expected my pregnancy to fail; to lose my precious miracle before it’s had even had a chance, and then the next one too. This was a heartbreaking journey but 3rd time was lucky for us and we welcomed our gorgeous Lucy Loo into the world 9 years ago after a horrendous labour and birth, which I swore I would never ever ever put myself through again. 

Motherhood was what I expected and more, this tiny person who I’d never thought would be here was real. I adored her, I hated it when even my husband took her out it was so intense. I tried breastfeeding and found it really hard. It hurt like hell, my nipples bled and I was so nervous about feeding her in public I timed going out around feeds, it was crazy. 

I then one day was holding Luce - she was 8 weeks old - and I had this truly horrible feeling; I was petrified I’d hurt her. I had to go and put her in her cot as I just couldn’t hold her. It was terrible. To love someone so much, but then be so scared of them at the same time. These intense feelings went on for 2 years until I was diagnosed with severe PND – seriously.. 2 bloody years! I was never going to have another baby...

Then we decided we needed to at least try and give Lucy a sibling. So we tried again. 2 more miscarriages followed then on the third go we conceived Ava. Ava is a determined little soul. I had bleeds throughout the pregnancy, bad ones, I remember going for the scans weekly as even the midwives thought I’d lost her numerous times, but there was her little heartbeat beating on the screen. 

I was petrified about my PND returning and had CBT therapy whilst pregnant to help with my feelings. It was great! Ava arrived without any problems and the birth was a much better experience. Yes it hurt, but I was in control and was home within 6 hours. It was so different than my experience with Lucy’s birth. 

I was more in control this time round, less panicked and coped a lot better, breast feeding was fantastic this time too and I have to admit I fed her until she was 2. The funny thing was as soon as I got home from the hospital that day with Ava, I knew I had to do it again. I was desperate to! It took 2 years to convince my lovely husband that it *would* be a good idea to have 3 children as 2 was far too neat! It was fabulous. I finally got my textbook pregnancy and an amazing really enjoyable delivery. Honestly.  

Taking your children home for the first time: I remember when we brought Lucy home, how tiny she looked in the car seat, how slow we drove, how we got home and showed her around the house (even though she was asleep) and then thought ok...what on earth do we do now?! 

Taking Ava home was easier, I didn’t feel quite as unwell and I remember going to my neighbours sons 5th birthday party in the back garden with my brand new baby. Someone asked how old she was and I suddenly realised she was 9 hours old...think I was still high as a kite as I went on a bouncy castle and managed to not let my insides fall out. 

Chloe came home to two very excited big sisters, so that again was a different experience.  A busy household where the chance of having any rest was very slim. But I finally felt like my family was complete. Those first days I was shattered, but very happy. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The continuous worry that everyone is happy, healthy and that you aren’t doing something totally wrong that is going to damage your children forever. 

The fact that I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep for more than two consecutive nights, for over 9 years, yep 9 years. 

The juggling of relationships, when your child comes home and is sad because someone’s been mean... it really hurts. 

Sibling rivalry is awful, the fights, the noise, the handprints up the walls and the washing.

Arrgghhh how can 3 small people make so much mess?! 

Wondering if you and your partner are ever going to go out beyond the local neighbourhood ever again? 

In fact just to talk about something that isn’t child related would be amazing. 

Juggling my job as a remote pa with the demands of a young family. I know they feel like I’m always working sometimes, but I love that after 9 years of being a ‘Mummy’ first and foremost, I have built my own little career again. 

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing the personalities of the little people you created emerging from the tiny bodies and screwed up faces. 

The dependency on you, although scary as hell, is also truly magical. 

Your children’s faces when they do something new or manage something for the first time. 

The unconditional love. 

Seeing the relationships within your family change and grow. 

Your toddler saying ‘Love you Mama’ and really meaning it! 

Best Advice: Bin the books! This came from my Mum. I was so desperate first time round to get into a routine, and failed every time. It took me a while to realise that babies kind of get themselves into a routine when they are ready, but then they also change it just as you start to get used to it! 

Worst Advice: To keep breastfeeding with my first child, I endured 6 months of pain, when really I should have just admitted defeat and given her a bottle. I used to dread every feed and think this contributed to my PND. Yes breastfeeding is fab, cheap, a lovely bonding experience and I had that the next times round but if your nipples feel like they are going to fall off for 6 months, don’t beat yourself up about using a bottle! 

Advice for new/expectant mums: Enjoy every precious moment. It goes so so fast. 3rd time round I feel like if I blink I’m going to miss it. Before I know it they’ll all be at school. 

Go with your instincts, you really are the best person for your baby. 

Try a few different playgroups; meeting other mum’s is a great way of realising you are feeling ‘normal’ but it took me a few goes to find some that weren’t petrifying cliquey. 

Be kind to yourself! You are going to be very tired for a while, so does that washing really need putting away right now?....