Kate and Arthur

Name: Kate 

Child: Arthur, 7 Months

Location: Disley

Expectations of Motherhood: A difficult stressful period, with many dark days, arguments with husband, and generally tough times. 

I had read this so many times it was engraved on my brain. I'd had multiple conversations with my husband about how hard it would be; both of us sleep deprived zombies - of course we will argue and fall out over the most stupid of things. 

I had an image of me, covered with baby sick, exhausted and tearing my hair out after the tenth argument about who had/hadn't done the washing up. All the advice and comments throughout pregnancy were so negative: "Make the most of your time now. You won't get a minute when baby is here," "Things will be so different next Christmas, make the most of the peace and quiet this year," "You'll never enjoy a hot cup of tea again," "That's the last time you'll ever *insert any situation*". 

So much doom and gloom.

Reality of Motherhood: The most magical feeling and the best experience I've ever had. Yes I'm tired, exhausted in fact, but I've showered every day and managed to enjoy a hot cup of tea and have dinner ready for my husband most nights. I'm no hero, but I do what I can in the day. I go to baby classes, take the baby and dog for a walk, meet a friend for a coffee, take baby swimming. I'd go stir crazy at home every day so once the cluster feeding calmed down, and I felt confident enough that he could go 20 mins between feeds, I got out there. 

I pushed myself too much at first, desperate to "get back to normal" but we got into our rhythm and more than anything I was determined to enjoy him. Our time together is precious.

It can sometimes be a struggle to get out of the house but it really is mind over matter. If I have plans, I make it there (albeit sometimes a little late) whereas if I have no plans, it can be 3pm before I've left the house if I don't put my mind to it.


Taking your child home for the first time: Surreal. We arrived at hospital at 22:00 on the Saturday night, Arthur was born 23:41, and we left hospital at 4pm on the Sunday afternoon. It all happened too quickly really and I think I was in shock. 

In hindsight I think I completely missed out early labour and was straight in at the deep end. 

So yes I'm pretty sure I was in shock. But we were also so desperate to get home. I had managed to have a wee and get a shower, and Arthur had latched on and fed a few times, so they were happy to let us go and we were discharged. My sister and her husband visited that evening and we ate takeaway pizza in a haze of bewilderment, pain, exhaustion and bliss. 

Best advice: Get through the first two weeks of breastfeeding and it'll be fine. 

I'm sure every mother-to-be has a list of goals, or priorities. Mine was to breastfeed. I had more worries and sleepless nights over this than I did about the birth. I was determined - don't quite know why but I was. I'd watched YouTube videos (be careful what you google) and read as much as I possibly could, but nothing quite prepares you for something both you and your baby have never done before. 

When I was discharged from hospital I was discharged to the wrong borough; I live on the Cheshire/ Derbyshire border and this confused matters apparently. So my midwife team weren't informed that I was home and I never got my initial home visit and breastfeeding support. 

Despite all the research, I didn't know what I was doing. I was trying so hard, but I was in pain, and I would stall having to feed him. I was in tears when my husband passed him to me, this little squidge of loveliness that I was starting to resent feeding. 

By Wednesday it was unbearable, we went to the breastfeeding support at hospital, with my notebook of times he'd feed and for how long. There were pages of it. It was confirmed that Arthur had tongue tie. We luckily got an appointment for the following week and went home with a glimmer of hope that it would get better, which it did, eventually. The bad latch from the tongue tie had already done its damage and a nipple shield saved my breastfeeding journey. 

If you want to breastfeed, it's tough at first, and there can be complications and hurdles, but it's all been worth it for me. 

Worst advice: I've not particularly had any bad advice as such, but have endured comments that, although may be flippant or even well meaning, made me feel down, frustrated or even failing at times as a mother. Although that might be more to do with my state of mind. 

"Don't cuddle or hold your baby too much as they will then expect it all the time and you'll get nothing done" was repeated quite a few times when Arthur was, happily, being passed around for cuddles. All I'll say is bite your tongue, or if you don't mind confrontation then speak your mind but most of all don't take it to heart. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: It's relentless. 

They need you - they cannot function without you - and there is no let up. You feel like you'll never get a minute to yourself, you feel like a part of you has gone forever. Well, that how I felt at first. That haze of sleep deprivation gets into everything, and your hormones are all over the place. Everything is hard work: getting dressed, having conversations, remembering things, keeping in touch with friends; all hard work. But all worth it.

I remember only a couple of days after giving birth I came back from the bathroom, stood in the living room and just cried. I felt broken, like I'd never feel right again. My body wasn't mine, it was unbelievably sore and flabby and it upset me a lot. What I now realise is that of course your body takes a while to heal but it does stop hurting and it does get better. 

I still feel like I've given up my body to my boy, and maybe it's because I'm still breastfeeding. I don't feel like I did. I wish I'd appreciated my pre-baby body a little more, it was never as bad as I thought it was and maybe one day I'll learn to appreciate my post-baby body too. 

The best parts of being a mother: My heart aches when I think of my boy. There simply is no love like it. The first few long car journeys we had I found difficult, I missed him! I'd spend so long with him either sleeping or feeding on me, he felt part of me. So to be separated like that for a period of time was strange, I felt lost without him in my arms. Now if you'd told me that before birth I couldn't have comprehended it. But that's unconditional love for you, I guess.

I'm amazed at things Arthur can do. I really should give him more credit. Weaning was a big challenge for me. Milk was easy! I was dreading the mess, the fuss of it all, the rules, the guidelines, and I felt like I really didn't know what I was doing. But how hard can it be to feed a child? Well, not that hard it seems. We have gone be down the baby led path and despite the absolute horror of watching him gag every mealtime for the first week or so it seems to have paid off. He can feed himself and drink out of his Doidy cup at 7months old. I'm not talking fine dining with the best silverware, but he shovels in more than we often realise, the proof is in his nappy. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? 
Massively! I've more faith in myself - I've kept a little human alive for 7 months! Quite how I don't know but we are doing pretty good I think. 

Hopes for your family: To grow!! We both have siblings (my husband is one of three and I am one of four) and we so want that for Arthur. I fondly remember bickering with my sister over Monopoly, turning out the bathroom light on each other, and our brothers slapping our foreheads every time we walked past them. It's all part of growing up. 

We had great times together and we spent most childhood holidays in Wales in the great outdoors and that's what both me and my husband want for our little family. There really is nothing like blowing away the cobwebs with a brisk walk in the countryside. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Do a hypnobirthing course. 
Don't let anyone visit for the first two weeks. Talk to your husband/partner/family if you feel down after birth. 
Grow a thick skin when it comes to advice; mother does know best for their child. 
Go to some mother and baby classes. You will naturally gravitate to other like minded mums and it's nice to have people in the same situation as you. 
And breathe. Sometimes you need to take a step back to realise how far you've come.

Rachel and Henry

Name: Rachel 

Child: Henry, 6 weeks

Location: Stretford 

Expectations of Motherhood: I don't think I had any really. 

I had been told that having children would be medically difficult so I had given up any thought of a future which included children. I think I really believed I was ok with that. 

Naturally, finding out I was pregnant was both wonderful and terrifying, I think we spent the evening we found out eating Chinese food and panicking slightly. Sometimes a good food binge is necessary.

Reality of Motherhood: It's quite the culture shock isn't it? I mean, wow it's hard. When else are you given a whole new job without any kind of training? 

I was completely overwhelmed at first, it's such a complete sense of love coupled with a totally awesome responsibility. It's taken the last few weeks to find some sort of rhythm. I'm slowly getting to know the habits of my new son although they change so regularly it's a challenge. 

He was tongue tied at first so feeding was a bit hard, but I wanted to try to feed him myself if I could. I love feeding him now but it does take some getting used to and I totally understand why it's not something everyone does. I've been close to giving up myself many times.

There are lots of lovely moments when I am totally in love with my child which is such an all consuming feeling. Challenging and wonderful all at once, it's quite the contradiction.

Taking your child home for the first time: It was really surreal, I kept expecting someone to come to collect him. The idea that he was ours to keep was a bit beyond me. My parents were there to settle us in which helped and once they'd gone we found that it was just us and Google. 

The best/worst advice: The worst advice for me is sleep when the baby sleeps.
Henry doesn't nap well on his own yet so sleeping while he is means sleeping while driving, pushing the pram or wearing the sling. 

The best advice would be ask for help. It's hard and you need to find people to help. Allow them to take over and try not to feel guilty for having a rest.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The guilt. I'm Catholic so I thought I knew about guilt but I had no idea. I'm terrified I'll do something wrong and spend a lot of time worrying about ridiculous things then using the Internet to convince myself he's suffering from some terrible illness. My partner spends a lot of time talking me down. 

The best parts of being a mother: Being a mother as I didn't think I would be. Also watching my partner with him; he's a natural dad and is building a beautiful relationship with our son. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: Yes absolutely, there is a tiny person who comandeers all of my thoughts. I didn't realise the capacity I would have to put someone else's needs before my own.

I'm also much less concerned about some of the petty issues that bothered me before. I just don't have the space in my head to worry about them. Far too busy worrying about the colour of poo and the amount of wee being produced!

Hopes for your family: That we continue to learn about each other and can help our lovely little baby become a lovely little man. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Don't expect to sleep on the first two or three nights, it'll save you being surprised.
Swaddle and cuddle your baby all you want, they need you to.
Find people who've done this and ask for help, they're the only ones who really know. 

Extra Info: I'm a seconday school RE teacher on maternity leave.
I have a wonderfully supportive partner Paul who is already a super dad.

Laurie, Oscar and Erika

 Name: Laurie 

Children and ages: Oscar, 2 years 9 months and Erika, 4 months

Location: Ramsbottom

Previous blog entry: http://www.the-mothers.co.uk/2013/10/laurie-and-oscar.html

Life since the last blog post: We have acquired a lot more toys and I think if I ever went on Mastermind, my specialist subject would be Thomas the Tank Engine. 

After a year of working part-time, I changed back to full-time and then discovered I was pregnant. 

Then of course, there’s been the arrival of our baby girl, Erika Sophie. My job - working with perpetrators of domestic abuse - since having children has proved more challenging than usual at times; perhaps because I see the world differently now I have a greater responsibility to protect my little people.

Motherhood since last being on the blog: It took me quite a while to get to grips with being a mummy in some ways. Although I think I managed practically really well, my emotions took a while to catch up and the change in lifestyle took a while to adapt to too. Although having two children is a lot busier and more stressful at times, it’s definitely been easier second time around! 

Oscar, and now Erika, continue to astound me and I’m ridiculously proud of the smallest things. As he’s become older and changes and develops more, Oscar challenges me in different ways and I’ve spent a lot of time recently reflecting on my behaviour (when I feel like he’s driving me insane!) and constantly have to remind myself that he’s 2 and I’m 33. He’s allowed to not be able to control his emotions. I’m not!

Although I say that having a second child is easier than the first, it has brought new challenges. I breastfed Oscar easily for about 10 months and it didn’t even occur to me that I might have problems the second time around. But I did, and it was horrific – for the whole family. I had a lot of nipple trauma and several infections, was expressing night and day, attempting to cup and bottle feed (breast feeding directly in the early days was impossible) then it was discovered that Erika had a tongue-tie. The pain was incredible, but not being able to cuddle Oscar or Erika properly and the endless medical appointments slowly and relentlessly chipped away at me. I had to catch myself and remember how lucky I was to have a happy, healthy baby, even though it all felt so terrible at the time.

On reflection it probably would have been beneficial to everyone if I’d have stopped trying to breastfeed much earlier, but in the end I managed to do it, albeit with nipple shields, for 3 months. Just before Christmas, we found Erika wasn’t putting on weight quickly enough and my GP advised a bottle of formula a day. I stopped breast-feeding her as it was at the point where I wasn’t able to give her everything she needed, so the decision was easier as it felt like it had been taken out of my hands. She’s a lovely big fatty now and I’m significantly happier and really enjoying her (and I think I’m being a much better mummy to Oscar too). It is amazing how utterly determined I was to feed her despite all the problems. I guess we’re just pre-programmed to not let anything stop us feeding our babies.

On a positive note, I had a lovely experience of labour this time as I had a home birth. I really didn’t want to have to be induced like the last time, so when I was 4 days overdue I walked up a local hill to get things moving. It worked! Erika arrived the next day. It was very quick and straight-forward (although I was pretty distraught to discover the tube for the gas and air had been left at the hospital!). It arrived eventually luckily. It was so nice to shower at home and get into my own bed with my husband and new baby after it all. The midwives were amazing; supportive and kind and they cleaned everything up and left us to get to know each other. I would really recommend a home birth to anyone considering it. 

Has motherhood changed you?: Motherhood has forced me to change in certain ways. For example, you can’t be selfish. I don’t mean in a negative way, but that it’s rare to be able to put yourself first as a mother. I think overall I am happier since having my children. I don’t know if that’s changed me at all although perhaps I have a different outlook on life now; I feel very lucky to have two healthy, happy children.

Hardest parts of being a mother: Generally, day to day it’s a harder life as you never stop! There always seems to be something to do, a nappy to change, lunch to make... train track to build! Being ill is hard when you’ve got small children too. There have been times when all I’ve wanted is to get into bed and stay there for a day or two but you just can’t – I’m on call 24/7.

Best parts of being a mother: They are MINE! The smiles meant only for me because out of everyone in whole world, they need and want 

me. Those tiny hands on my face or arms around my neck; the small things that are huge. I also love the feeling of being part of a family unit. It’s the best thing I’ve done in my life. 

What you wish you’d known before having children: Actually, I think I’m glad I didn’t know how hard it could be at times; not that it would have put me off but because there’s no point in worrying about what might be. I think first time around it would have been nice to know that when it does get hard, that it’s always a phase and that there’ll be something new and different, be it difficult or wonderful just around the corner.

I wish I’d be told all the answers to being a good mother – but I doubt anyone will ever know that!

Any more advice for mothers and expectant mums: I’m not sure what I said last time, but what I find myself to saying to lots of mums is that they know best. No-one knows your child like you, so trust yourself and you’ll be fine. Also, don’t expect too much of yourself too soon after having a baby. Take time, let people help you and try to enjoy being in the baby bubble.