Katy, Joseph and Eliza

Name: Katy 

Children: Joseph, 3 years old, Eliza, 11 days old

Location: Heaton Chapel

Expectations of Motherhood: I thought I had a pretty good idea of how much my life would change when I became a mummy. I think I'd been told pretty much on a daily basis (especially whilst at work) how much of a shell shock it could be. I still had my own fantasy though, Sitting serenely with my little baby, cuddling for hours on end!

Reality of Motherhood: It was a shell shock! I'd managed to stay fairly laid back during the pregnancy and birth of Joseph, but as soon as the reality set in that he was actually mine, I did my own head in! 

I work as a midwife so I had an internal conflict going on between my Mummy brain and my Midwife brain. I'd read the textbooks but clearly my baby hadn't! The breastfeeding went a bit pear shaped, and I felt so guilty for supplementing with formula and then giving up completely a few moths down the line. I felt in a way that my body had let me down at the last minute, I'd been able to grow and bring a baby into the world but then to not be able to nourish him completely was devastating. That combined with issues with healing after the birth and then my mum being diagnosed with a brain tumour when Joseph was 6 weeks old meant that my mood was on a downward spiral. Eventually, not being able to see me cry any more, my lovely brave mum marched me off to the GP! It was so hard to admit how I was feeling. It felt like I should have been able to just cope with it all, like somehow I should have been immune to postnatal depression because of my job. 

Which is ridiculous I know! After starting on antidepressants I slowly started to feel brighter again, and more like myself. I began to bond with Joseph more, and I suddenly got loads of motivation to get out and about. I joined a postnatal fitness class where Joseph came with me in the pram, we did lots of mum and baby classes and we met up regularly with a group of local mums who were all so lovely and non-judgemental. 

I really loved my year off with Joseph in the end and I was sad to have to go back to work and leave him. We are really lucky in a way that because my husband and I work shifts, we are able to work alternate days and therefore not have to fork out for childcare. It helped with the anxiety off leaving Joseph too as I knew he would be perfectly fine with Daddy. (They love their boys days!) After a few weeks of settling back into work I decided to wean off my antidepressants (with my GP's support). Thankfully I've continued to be on a good place since then. 

Second time round I think I'm more chilled out about it all. Not that I'm saying I've got it all sussed out yet (Eliza's not even 2 weeks old as I'm writing this!) but I'm determined to try and just go with the flow. We've been hit by more feeding issues after the dreaded tongue-tie strikes again, We are persevering but just taking one day at a time. I had such a positive birth experience and I've felt so well physically after Eliza's birth, I think that has played a major part of how I'm feeling in my mood. And when you feel happier in yourself I think it's easier to cope with what life can throw at you. 

Taking your children home for the first time: After seeing hundreds of women go home with their new babies, all bundled up in their shiny new car seats, it's so surreal to be doing it yourself. When we brought Joseph home from the hospital I felt like I'd literally stolen a baby from work! I kept looking for reassurance, like, 'Are you sure I'm allowed to be doing this?' 

With Eliza it was a little more, I don't want to say stressy, maybe busy! Not only did we have a newborn to wrestle into a car seat, but we had Joseph with us too! He's such a good boy, but very curious. The moment our back was turned he was nearly diving into the clinical waste bin! 'Ooh mummy, what's in here?!' We managed it though and it was so nice to get home and begin our new lives as a family of four. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The hardest part of being a mother for me is the guilt; the constant worrying and second guessing whether I'm doing the right thing or not. I mentioned above that we don't have Joseph in a nursery or with a childminder. It would have been logistically difficult for us to get him there and pick him up with us both working antisocial hours, and obviously cost was a big factor. 

It's been lovely to spend so much time with him, but I've found myself feeling so guilty about it. Was he missing out on interaction with other children and adults other than us? Was I holding him back? Was I going to delay his development? It sometimes feels like you can't do right for doing wrong. 

The best/worst advice: The best advice I was given was to ignore everyone's advice! As soon as you tell anyone your expecting you get bombarded with well meaning advice. I think it's a case of listening to everything and trying to work out what works for you as a family. And what works at one point might not work at a later stage. So for us it's been about being fluid. 

I can't actually think what's the worst advice. What I think is a stupid idea, someone might think is a genius one! 

The best parts of being a mother: The best part of being a mummy has to be the unbelievable love. I'm head over heels in love with my hubby but my goodness, the love I feel for my little ones is something else. The feeling that you'd do absolutely anything for them. I didn't feel it right away with Joseph, and that was another thing I felt guilty about! But it grew and grew. The early days are so hard when you feel like your giving absolutely everything of yourself to this little being, and all they do is eat, poop and sleep (sometimes!) in return. But when they start to give a little back, that's when it gets really good! Even if it's just a little windy smile or now Joseph is a little older, when he says something cute like, 'Aw mummy, your so beautiful' it just melts my heart! 

Has becoming a mother changed you? Absolutely! It's hard to remember what life was like before having the little ones. In a good way! I think it's changed me at work too. I'm not saying for the better, that always got on my nerves when people say you've got to have kids to be a good midwife. But it has certainly changed the way I talk to parents now. I think having gone through it myself and totally feeling like I was bumbling along with it all, I want to give new mums and dads that reassurance that's it's ok to feel that way too.

Hopes for your family: I hope that we settle into our new lives as a family of four. That they grow up to be happy and healthy in whatever direction they choose to go in. Who knows we might even add one more into the mix!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Enjoy it, be present in it all. (I'm guilty of not following my own advice here!) listen to everyone's opinions, smile and then do your own thing with what feels right for you.

Vivienne, Ed and Joe

Name: Vivienne

Children: Ed, 6 and Joe, 3.5

Location: Sale

Previous blog entry: http://www.the-mothers.co.uk/2011/10/vivienne-and-ed.html

Life since the last blog post: Since I last took part I have had another child (Joe), I have changed jobs to a more flexible working role which means I can work at home 3 or 4 days a week and we have moved house. 

Motherhood since last being on the blog: Motherhood has changed me massively. 

I feel I am far more mature, patient, responsible (some may say boring?) and care less about things that bothered me since I first became a mum. I am also far more relaxed and chilled with my second, I think anyway! 

First time round I did every baby group going which helped me in every way, but second time I attended barely anything, I just didn't have the time and I didn't feel needed to. 

Has motherhood changed you? I do worry a lot about the future and things that are way out of my control. I worry about getting old, and what will happen to the boys, and the world I am bringing them up in; things I perhaps wouldn't have thought so much about before. 

Looking back I think I was quite selfish before I became a mother, I partied quite a lot and life was all about having a good time. Of course it still is, but having a good time is now spending a relaxed weekend with the boys and an early night! This to me is bliss! 

Hardest parts of being a mother: The hardest part for me is the worrying about the future for my children. I worry about them being unhappy and having poor health. I worry about school, and the friendships they may make (or don't make). I basically worry. I'm a natural born worrier unfortunately, although I have a great group of other mum friends who put my mind at ease on a regular basis! 

Best parts of being a mother: The best part about being a mother for me is definitely the overwhelming feeling of love you have for another person. I know I am very lucky but the unconditional love we have for each other is the best feeling in the world, and to hear them say, 'I love you mummy' makes my heart explode every time I hear it. 

Every night before they go to sleep I lie with them and they tell me about their days including their best 'bits'. I love hearing about what they've been up to and how they view what's happened for them during the day. 

As they get older they're becoming our, and each other's, little pals. I am so proud of seeing what they can and do achieve. 

Also having two, seeing them play nicely together is amazing (and rare!) and makes me want to keep them like this forever. 

What you wish you’d known before having children: That it is a lot harder than you realise. Everything about it is hard. The lack of sleep, the constant demands on your time, your time is not yours anymore! But this definitely gets easier the older they get! 

Any more advice for mothers and expectant mums: Don't read the books, don't google, listen to your intuition; speak to other real life mums and get their advice. I googled everything to death and read every book going first time round but I found, and still find, the most invaluable bits of advice are from other mums.

Gemma, Jac and Lola

Name: Gemma Roberts

Children: Jac 3 years, 8 months and Lola, 16 months

Location: Prestwich

Expectations of Motherhood: My expectations of having a baby and being at home were that it would be much easier than being at work. I couldn't wait to finish work and go on maternity leave so that I could have a "break"(!) 

I knew that our lives were going to change, but I don't think I fully anticipated quite how big that change would be. I thought that I would be able to get things done around the house, cook nice meals for my Husband to come home to and that my baby would just sleep most of the time and although I'd be tired, this little person would bring us so much love and joy that it would all be ok. I was right about the love and joy part, but I was so naive about everything else!

Reality of Motherhood: We had a bit of a traumatic time with breastfeeding. Although I really wanted to breastfeed Jac, I knew he wasn't getting enough milk - he didn't have wet nappies, he wasn't settled and he was losing weight every time the Midwife came to see us. Despite knowing that he wasn't getting enough. and despite my best efforts, I felt incredibly pressured to continue trying to breastfeed. I felt so much pressure that I refused to give him formula; my Midwife fed Jac his first bottle of it, and I sat and watched and cried. At one point, I was double-pumping using a hospital grade pump, taking domperidone and fenugreek tablets, using a supplementary nursing system to feed Jac, and then topping up with a bottle. Once the feeding cycle had ended, it was time to start the process again. I knew that we couldn't go on like this - I just wasn't enjoying it. Gradually, I stopped the pumping etc and Jac was combi fed for around 6 months before being on formula completely. 

It was honestly like a massive weight had been lifted and I began to enjoy my baby after my Midwife had given him his first bottle. He began putting weight on and having wet nappies, and though I don't feel sad that breastfeeding didn't work out completely for us, it makes me feel sad that I felt such pressure that Jac had to suffer as a result. I think that all I wanted was for someone to tell me that it was ok to give him formula, as long as he is fed that is the main thing, but no-one did. Everyone just kept telling me that formula was so bad and that I just needed to persist with breastfeeding. 

Second time around, I wanted to give breastfeeding a go but my Husband and I decided that we didn't want to put ourselves through a horrific time again. When Lola was born, we tried again and when things started to follow the same path, we decided to supplement from a couple of days old. It worked for us and meant that I was able to breastfeed her and my Husband could get involved with the top-up bottles. I felt so much more confident in my choice, and we did what worked for us as a family and ignored judgment from anyone else. We combi fed again for 6 months, and I can honestly say that I am 100% happy with our choice and how things ended up. Jac and Lola are gorgeous, happy and healthy children and are our absolute everything - parenting isn't just about how you feed your babies, it's SO much more. I realise now that it doesn't matter how your baby is fed, as long as they are getting milk that is all that matters. 

Taking your children home for the first time: Both Jac and Lola were born at home (planned homebirths!) I was transferred in to Hospital with Jac after he was born as I'd had meconium in my waters. Everything was fine and we came home the next day. I remember getting him home, and bringing him in the House and wondering what we were supposed to do?! We put him in his moses basket and he slept for all of about ten minutes and then spent the rest of the night feeding and unsettled. It was a very long night and we were both exhausted! When Lola was born, although I had meconium in my waters again, we didn't get transferred in to the Hospital. After the Midwife had done her checks, helped me to have a bath and got us settled and comfy on the sofa, she left. We were sat on the sofa as a family of four, eating toast, drinking tea and watching CBeebies as if I hadn't just given birth in the dining room - it was so surreal! 

It was lovely being at home and having all our home comforts and not having to leave Jac - he was even there when his little sister was born! I would highly recommend home birth to anyone - so empowering and lovely not having to leave the house!

The best/worst advice: The best piece of advice that I received was to do what is right for me and my family - it's so true. What works for us might not work for someone else, and that's fine. One size definitely doesn't fit all. I haven't received much bad advice - just people telling me that we shouldn't do certain things like co-sleeping because we'll never get our bed back to ourselves, and generally providing their opinion on how we should parent. I'm quite resilient to it now I think and we just do things our way - we have two happy and healthy children, so we must be doing something right... I hope so anyway!

The hardest parts of being a mother: Aside from the difficulties we had with feeding in the beginning, I would say that sleep deprivation was one of the hardest things that we had to go through. Second time around, it was actually a lot easier to deal with as I don't think we'd quite recovered from the first time! Nothing could have prepared me for how tired we would be, and how the tiredness would make us really irritable and not really like each other! 

But it does get better, and they're both sleeping through the night now so we have our evenings back and although I wouldn't say I feel refreshed, I definitely feel more sane now that we get to have an uninterrupted night's sleep again! 

The best parts of being a mother: The overwhelming love that I feel for Jac and Lola is out of this world. They are my everything and I can't imagine life without them. I knew that I would love my babies, but quite how much, I don't think I knew! Before Lola was born, I didn't think I could love another child as much as Jac. How would that be possible? But it is, my heart just grew even bigger! (cheesy, sorry!) We have so much fun together and seeing the bond between them as siblings growing each day and seeing them have fun and laughing together is possibly one of the best feelings in the world. When I'm gone, knowing that they'll at least have each other is something special. I love the snuggles, seeing them reach new milestones and taking them out to experience things - everyone should try and see things through the eyes of a three year old, its amazing! Becoming a Mummy is the best thing I have ever done and it's a privilege to have Jac and Lola in my life. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: Definitely! I've learnt more about patience, strength and unconditional love in the last 3.8 years than I have in a lifetime! I am still the same old me, but Jac and Lola make me want to be a better person. I want to make them proud and my outlook on life has definitely changed. 

Hopes for your family: I hope that as Jac and Lola grow up they will continue to be caring, determined and happy individuals and that they follow and fight for their dreams. I want them to know that they can achieve anything that they want if they put their mind to it! I hope that we'll all continue to have as much fun as we have been having already and I can't wait to create even more magical memories with them. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Do what is right for you and your family. Don't feel pressured or judged by others just because your way is different. Be kind to yourself - we all have bad days - and a new day is a blank slate and a fresh start. Make sure you take time for yourself; have a bath, a cup of tea in peace or a walk. You can't fill everyone elses cup if your cup is empty. Even though it will seem like a mammoth effort to begin with, try and get out of the house with your baby every day. Even if it's just a walk around the block, fresh air does wonders. Make yourself get out to those baby groups - you might not feel like it, but if you're as lucky as me you'll make some of the best mummy friends that you could ever wish for and you can all help each other through the tough times.

Extra Info: I'm a helpline volunteer for PANDAs (Pre and post natal depression advice and support). We take phone calls from mums, dads or concerned family members. They're a really fabulous charity. To contact them go to http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/   Tel: 0843 28 98 401