Java and Gryffin

Name: Java

Child: Gryffin, 11 months

Location: Old Trafford

Expectations of Motherhood: As soon as people found out I was pregnant they would exclaim, 'You will never sleep again!'. So this was my main expectation. 

I felt like I was preparing myself for a tornado, but somehow, nothing can ever quite prepare you for the sheer and utter madness of the first few months. I was also very scared that my child wouldn't like me and vice versa. In a very hormonal, overdue state I googled which star sign my baby was likely to be. He would most likely be an Aries. I then googled 'famous Aries' and one of the first results was Adolf Hitler. I think I must have been quite emotionally charged at the time, as this felt like an ominous sign so I poured myself a shower and sobbed for an hour. 

I have a very close relationship with my own mother but we have had quite dramatic ups and downs so this possibly contributed to my fear of parenthood. I also found it hard to believe that we would ever have a healthy child as we had a late stage termination with our first baby in 2014. She was a little girl and we named her Alma. She had an interrupted aortic arch in her heart and was diagnosed with DiGeorge syndrome. We chose to end her life at 24 weeks and gave birth to her tiny body at St Mary's hospital. The idea of having a healthy child seemed impossible at times. Overall, I felt fearful.

Reality of Motherhood: I was correct. I have barely slept more than two hours at a time in 11 months. But what I wasn't prepared for was the overwhelming love and joy I feel hanging out with this hilarious human that has appeared in our life. I couldn't ever have imagined how deeply I would love him. It hurts my heart when I look at him inspecting his peas on his plate and babbling earnestly about something or other and pointing out the buttons on my shirt. I have chosen not to return to work (a combination of childcare costs and feeling ready to move on from my previous work), so being a full time stay at home mum means that I am at the 24 hour mercy of another person's whims and desires. The days often feel long and repetitive and occasionally I feel deeply bored, but there is also much delight in the small moments. Moments when Gryff tries a new food, or learns how to open a drawer or decides that being chased is the most hilarious thing to ever happen to him. These moments stop me in my tracks and remind me how lucky I am to witness them. And the laundry. No-one can prepare you for the laundry, especially if you use reusable nappies. 

Taking your child home for the first time: We had Gryffin at home as we had hoped. He was born at the bottom of our bed in the midday sunlight. Unfortunately I had bad tearing so an ambulance took us to the hospital shortly after and we had to stay there for six hours while I was sewn up and the midwives helped me latch Gryffin onto my breast. 

When we returned home I was nervous to be left alone with him. I hadn't yet felt the surge of love that so many mothers describe, I was nervous of him and felt awkward around this person I didn't know. I was confused as to why he couldn't simply 'be'. He was either asleep or awake and crying or trying to feed but failing. We would sing to him, rock him and dance with him but the only thing that could calm him was 'All Night Long' by Lionel Richie and it still works eleven months later. 

Three days after he was born I was sat staring at him in bed and suddenly realised that one day he would leave home and I started crying uncontrollably. I think the love hormones had finally started to kick in.

The best advice: The best advice I have received and keep on coming back to in moments of doubt is to find your own way as a mother. I am highly skilled at comparing myself to others and endlessly worry that other mothers are far more attentive/fun/creative/careful etc etc etc. But it is so true that you just need to do what you need to do to get through the hard times and try and retain a smidge of your sanity and keep your baby safe. There are as many ways to mother as there are mothers and children. 

Also, to visit a cranial osteopath. Gryffin cried endlessly for the first six weeks until we took him to see a cranial osteopath and after six sessions he was a different baby. It's easy to forget that the birth process can also be a traumatic experience for the baby and they can experience injuries. I'm not entirely sure what the osteopath did, but it worked. Gryffin has been so much happier since. 

The worst advice: The old 'You're creating a rod for your own back' adage. I understand it but I don't necessarily agree with the principle. I co-sleep with Gryffin and feed on demand. We never decided that we would 'follow' attachment parenting, I only found out that it was a style of parenting once I was doing it. It's not right for everybody but it works for us. If your instinct is leading you somewhere with your baby, it's most likely that you know best.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The lack of sleep has been (and still is) very hard. It affects your mental health, your tolerance levels, your ability to be patient..all the things that are pretty necessary to be a warm and loving mother! I find it extraordinary how many times I have truly believed that I cannot give another ounce of my being and then somehow...carried on. 

And knowing that Gryffin will be hurt is deeply upsetting. I try not to think about the heartache he will go through once he starts to understand the world in a more sophisticated way. The current political situation is weighing heavily on my mind for his future.

The best parts of being a mother: The warm, cosy, deep bond Gryff and I have. Today it took me an hour to get him down for a nap and I felt like I was losing my mind, but then he slept next to me for a while and when he woke up he was soft and rumpled and delighted to see me. He lay back on my legs and babbled about something very important in the dim light of the bedroom. My heart was brimming over and I felt so lucky.

Also, after giving birth my body simultaneously felt like it belonged to a seventy year old who had been in a car crash and the body of a warrior/super hero/feral beast. It was pretty incredible to know I had grown a human and pushed him out, I felt so invincible that I then ate some of my placenta raw in a smoothie. It felt fitting after having done something so powerful. Whenever I feel nervous or anxious I try and remind myself that I can be incredibly strong and the birth is a perfect reminder.

Has becoming a mother changed you? I feel that the world sees me in a different way. To some people I am invisible as a body behind a pram, and to others I am now a valid member of society because I have started my own family. I find this disconcerting.

I am still struggling with my shift in identity, figuring out which parts of me remain now that I no longer do the job I used to do, socialise in the way I once did or wear the clothes I have packed away for a distant day in the future. What of me remains, who am I now? I spend my days hanging out with a soon to be toddler playing with bricks and the sock drawer. In the evenings I go to bed at 7pm with Gryffin (because he won't sleep without me and I can't bare to let him cry) and watch tv on the iPad. Who does that make me? 

Hopes for your family: I hope that we can offer Gryffin a firm enough foundation to allow him to grow with confidence and security. I would like him to feel safe within his family and to understand the importance of generosity, kindness and celebration. We would like to have another child so that he can have a sibling for him to moan to about us when we are old farts.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Embrace it, embrace the pregnancy, embrace the early days and surrender to them. I felt pressured to get back to 'normal' and cook meals, hoover and run errands while Gryffin was tiny despite it feeling impossible. I wish I hadn't put that pressure on myself. It is a precious time and I'm only just starting to realise that it's one of the fundamentals of being alive. Not the only one, there are many, but it is certainly a very joyous and beautiful one.

Other info:
We had a termination when our first baby was 24 weeks in the womb. Making that decision broke my heart and affected me profoundly. Even though our baby wasn't alive I had become a mother, so when friends around us started having babies I felt a lot of bitterness and jealousy that they were recognised as mothers because they had a baby in their arms. We named her Alma. We buried her ashes on my favourite hill in Glossop. Her brief visit taught me about love in a way I hadn't experienced before. Our son Gryffin was born exactly a year after her due date in March. I wrote about the abortion on my blog http://www.javabere.co.uk as I struggled to find anything online about people's experiences regarding late stage termination. I think there's still a lot of taboo surrounding it. The incredible thing is that once friends and family started to find out what had happened, so many got in touch and shared their stories. Being honest about the painful stuff can be incredibly powerful.

Sally and Ivy

Name: Sally

Children: Ivy, 11 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I always remember wanting to have kids, so I suppose there was a huge amount of anticipation about becoming a mum (not that I really had any idea what that actually meant in reality!).

My biggest expectation was that I was going to have a huge baby boy, I am one of 3 girls, my sister has 3 girls, therefore I had decided without doubt that I MUST be having a boy. I couldn't have been more wrong - I had a perfect (and very long) little girl. When Ivy arrived and I was told it was a girl, I asked the midwife if she was joking??!!! Half expected her to turn around and say "Only kidding.”

Even though I knew I'd be faced with sleep deprivation I still had the idealistic notion that none of that would matter, that this amazing little baby would make it all worthwhile. Somehow it would cancel out the tiredness. Er no...... In reality I am just really quite pathetic when I am that exhausted, I am sure David and my family can vouch for that.

I also thought I would suddenly be a different person as a Mum, that something happens and a flick switches inside and you suddenly become "Mummy". Although things completely change very quickly, I’m still definitely me.

Reality of Motherhood: OK the beginning was hard, it seemed pretty relentless at times. I remember sitting in the garden once Ivy had gone to sleep and wondering how and why people actually decide to have another baby.

I found it difficult not being able to do basic things, like eating or preparing some food when you're starving, going to the toilet when you are about to piss your pants or nipping out to get some milk from the shops. Suddenly everything was dictated by feeding, poos, naps and screaming.

It is such a short time things are like that, but it seems like forever. It does pass though. I just kept reminding myself it does get easier. It’s the biggest learning curve you could ever imagine.

Now, I would do it over again in a flash as the reward from all your hard work is the best thing ever. She is a little person who blows kisses, does high fives and has a really dirty laugh. Slowly all the hard work from the start begins to pay you back in abundance.

Taking your child home for the first time: I actually don't remember that much from this bit weirdly. I do remember trying to somehow position myself in the front seat without actually sitting down, not so easy. I think I was just so pleased not be spending another night in the hospital and be able to relax with my new baby, I just crashed on the sofa (which was pretty much where I stayed for the next few days) and probably stared at her and into space quite a lot. I felt pretty ruined after my labour to be honest and it took me a good couple of weeks to recover physically.

The best/worst Advice: The worst advice for me was from midwives. I suddenly realised that I had no idea at all about breastfeeding. I wanted to know when and how much she should be fed. The response was the generic "you'll know when they have had enough/ are hungry etc". Actually, you don't know as you've never done it before and neither has your baby.

I was given conflicting advice about waking her in the night for feeds as well. I remember one midwife saying I should wake her up every 3/4 hours to feed her in the night as she was sleeping for 6 hours straight. Apparently this was too long for her to sleep without a feed. I obviously went for the sleeping for 6 hours option, I didn't really have to think about that one.

I've had tons of good advice, loads from my sister which was a massive help. I do think everybody is different though and you should just take the bits you feel are right for you.

Best bit of advice I took on board was having a routine, it worked for me and for Ivy. It meant she didn't really get too tired or hungry, I put her sleeping through the night down to the routine too. I think she is a good natured little girl and I have been told that I am lucky she is like that, but I think it’s also down to the initial hard work of getting into a routine, not just down to luck.

The hardest part of being a mother: At the moment it’s missing her so much when I am working full time. I want to spend time that counts with her at the weekends, be her mummy and enjoy the time together. However I am still trying to get to grips with getting cleaning, cooking, washing done along with appreciating the time I am at home with her.

The times she has been ill, I either feel guilty for going to work or guilty for staying off work to look after her. It's without doubt the hardest part of everything so far. You don’t have a baby just to hand them over to somebody else to look after.

The best parts of being a mother: The older she is getting, the more and more I love her, because she is becoming this funny, animated and slightly nuts little girl.

Cuddles before bed, she snuggles up, pops her thumb in and strokes my clothes

She just makes me laugh, a lot! Her funny faces, her shouting, her bottom lip going when I say "no" and her bum wiggling when she is making a getaway up the hall

Most of all I am really looking forward to having a proper relationship with her as she grows up.

Hopes for your family: I hope we can reach a happy balance between working and spending time together, that we can comfortably do the things we want as a family without worrying about money and work so much.

I'd like to think Ivy will be an independent, level headed person who says "please" and "thank you" when she should. That she treats everybody politely and with the same level of respect regardless.

I hope she will know when she needs to be sensible, but I also really hope she has fun, dances, sings and is a bit of a cheeky monkey.

What advice would you give to new and expectant mums: Do you what suits you. Everyone has wildly different views and advice, chose what’s best for you and that probably will be the right thing.

The longer you leave the crying to sleep bit, the harder it will be further down the line. Babies do just cry, so don’t feel like you have to rush in straight away. I guess start as you mean to go on, the easy option when they are little isn't always the easy option as they start getting older.

Be prepared for feeling a bit wounded after the birth. I know every birth is different but I was totally unprepared when I couldn’t get out of bed properly, sit down or walk properly for about 2 weeks. Horrible I know, I'll spare the details.  This is where you need Mums who come to look after you!

Andrea and Elsie

Name: Andrea

Child: Elsie, 11 mths

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I only expected what everyone says - that it would be hard work and that we wouldn't get get any sleep. Amazingly we've found both of these statements to be untrue with Elsie.

It took so long to get pregnant, I didn't want to have any expectations of her. I wanted to just enjoy pregnancy and enjoy her - and from 18 weeks pregnant I really did enjoy it. Before 18 weeks I'd been working in the Northern quarter and found it so hard because it seemed everyone smoked. People lingered, smoking in front of all the bars and cafes and the smell of smoke knocked me sick. In preparation for motherhood I didn't read books; I didn't want to - I'd left up that to Andy. Until a week before she was born I was in total denial about the fact she had to come out though. I remember one day catching Andy smiling and asking him why he looked so happy. He said that he was really excited, and that's when I realised how much more was involved in my role and that I had a lot more to come. Surprisingly though, the birth was quite enjoyable. I hadn't expected it to be easy at all and thought I'd be screaming and swearing, but I only swore just the once!

Reality of Motherhood: At first we found it easier to not follow a set pattern as such - I hate the word routine. We didn't want our life to be dictated by naps, so at first we followed what Elsie needed, but still got out and did things together. She's very chilled out, so we've taken each day as it comes, and it means that most of the time we just hang out and have fun. As she's getting older we've decided that following a set pattern does tend to benefit Elsie now, so she goes to bed at the same time every night and as a result we all seem to benefit.

Everyone said it was really hard to bring up children and so I'd imagined I'd be one of these people who didn't get out of their pyjamas for months after giving birth. I've found that although being a mum isn't easy, it seems to flow, like something I've always done.

Taking your child home for the first time: I stayed in over night at the hospital. It had been a busy night and lots of babies had been born, so it took forever to be discharged. We finally went home on a Saturday night. It had been a warm day and everyone was outside pubs drinking and queueing up at taxi ranks, and I thought to myself, 'I used to do that,' but I was so excited to be bringing this tiny person home, I didn't care about that anymore.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I was given was to take each day as it comes. You learn that your baby changes everyday and you just have to follow them. I don't remember any bad advice as such but I did find it frustrating that I never saw the same midwife twice - there was no consistency. I didn't read any books because I was very wary.

The hardest parts of being a mother: When they're ill. At 4 months Elsie got an infection in her index finger and ended up in hospital. Her finger was red and swollen, but it didn't bother her although it looked really bad. After the 3rd visit to the doctor blisters had developed, but the GP still wasn't familiar with this particular infection and so didn't want to administer antibiotics. We never expected after visiting the hospital to get it checked that we'd have to stay in for a week. I was still breastfeeding so had to stay in hospital with her. The doctors at the hospital weren't sure what was wrong with her finger either so we had to stay in the room for a whole week while she had antibiotics intravenously. I remember I had to leave the room as they put the IV in her arm because to see her in pain would have been really hard. I was imagining all sorts of awful things.

The best parts of being a mother: 

Her first smile. 

Cuddles. 

As she falls asleep and strokes me. 

Taking pictures of her.

We laugh at her everyday because she's so funny and cheeky.  

I love watching her growing everyday and can't believe how much she's changed from birth.

Hopes for your family: I hope that Elsie will be happy, that she'll want to learn and have lots of friends. We're so grateful for having Elsie but we never wanted her to be an only child. I was an only child and would've liked to have had a sibling to share things with.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: When you first come home from hospital and people want to visit give your visitors a specific time to call round. You'll find that you're not bombarded and you'll get that time alone as a family. Don't feel guilty about not reading parenting guides because in the end you'll find your own way.

With regards to fertility, doctors don't really take you seriously until you've been trying for a year. I always say to people - even if they're young - to get their fertility tested if they're delaying having a family, because it's not always that easy to get pregnant. We went through the NHS first and then did IVF privately when that failed. It took us about 2yrs of injections and blood tests (at one point every other day for a month) and then there's the weight gain from the hormones - I went through a lot to get Elsie, so she is very precious.

Amy and Ella

Name: Amy


Child: Ella, 11 months


Location: Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I have, for as long as I can remember, wanted to be a mum. Falling pregnant with Ella was a surprise. Ian and I had been together 9 years and often spoke of starting a family, but we were planning on it being a few years further down the line. Ella had other ideas! We are the first of our friends to have a baby so I didn’t have anyone close to me I could talk to about pregnancy, labour or looking after a baby.

I think my expectations were pretty realistic. I was aware of the sleep deprivation, dirty nappies and complete lifestyle changes we were going to have to make as well as the many baby related items we would need to invest in (much to Ian’s surprise!). We decided not to find out the sex until the birth. One of my biggest expectations, looking back, was to have a happy, healthy baby.

Reality of motherhood: My introduction to motherhood was a little difficult. Ella was born 3 weeks early on Friday November 26th 2010 at 6.15pm after a relatively short and very straightforward labour. It never crossed either of our minds that anything was, or could be wrong. She struggled to breastfeed after her birth, and I was given help overnight to cup feed her by a student midwife. Looking back, during that night I must have seen every member of staff that was on duty. They came in by ‘accident’, to fetch equipment or because I had pressed the call bell. Despite their differing reasons for being in the room, they all came and looked at Ella. This didn’t strike me as odd at the time, but with hindsight, I now understand why.

The next day, we received the news that Ella was displaying several features of a baby with Down’s Syndrome. Shock and devastation set in and a million and one questions immediately started racing through our heads. This wasn’t at all what we had expected. Instead of taking our beautiful girl home, we had to re-adjust our hopes and dreams and face up to a future of uncertainty.

A heart scan showed she also had a hole in her heart, which up to 50% of babies with Down’s Syndrome have. We were told this was manageable with medication but that she would need surgery to close the hole when she was 4-6 months old.

Taking your children home for the first time: Ella spent the first two weeks of her life in hospital as we tried to establish feeding. I found it a really difficult time being a nurse, who had - more importantly - just become a mummy to a poorly baby. The clinical environment was familiar and comforting (although to other parents I can appreciate it's a very daunting and frightening experience).

Whilst we were in hospital, the nurses did a lot of Ella's cares and Ian was cup feeding her while I expressed milk for her next feed. I felt bereft and detached - neither a mum nor nurse. I didn't know what was expected of me and, at times, I didn't even feel like Ella was mine. Thankfully, this all changed once we were home and I was able to properly become a mum. By this time she was being bottle fed so I was now able to be involved at feeding times too.

We took her home one cold, early December evening and I remember having palpitations the entire car journey home. At the time we were living in a 2 bed apartment in town and I had fashioned the second bedroom into a nursery in anticipation of her arrival. It was the first room we took her into and I sat on the chair holding her for ages whilst she slept, not sure what I was supposed to do next. We soon got to know her different cries, the way she liked to be held and what would soothe and comfort her.

Looking back, it was a very strange time. We were determined from the start that Down’s Syndrome will never define Ella or what she is able to do. Keeping life as normal as possible in those first few weeks at home was important to us. Having friends visit, displaying ‘new baby’ cards and showing off our baby was what we did, even if we were still dealing with shock and grieving for the baby we imagined we would have.

However, looking back the shock of it all really didn’t last for long. We fell in love with Ella straight away. After all she was still a baby. Our baby. And she needed everything that any other baby needs. Feeding, comforting, nappy changes and love. Lots of love. There are so many worse conditions or problems she could have been born with, I felt grateful we had some idea of what we were up against from the start. Other parents aren’t so lucky.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I have received comes from my own mum, who as well as raising three of her own children is also a Health Visitor by profession. I have never read, nor do I own a single baby book – ‘you can read the books’ says my mum ‘but the baby won’t have!’. I think Ella has managed to re-write all the rule books anyway and we have survived so far without them.

And, through experience I have learnt that even if things don’t go to plan, your baby will always be perfect to you. This may not have been the path we would have chosen if we’d had a choice, but I wouldn’t change the last year for anything. I can’t imagine for one second my life without Ella and for whatever reason she came to be mine, I will be forever grateful. She has taught us so much in such a short time. We have learnt a lot about ourselves as individuals and as a couple and we are a much stronger unit since she arrived. It has also made us realise and appreciate what wonderful friends and family we have. 
Trust your instincts and do what you feel is the right thing to do for your baby. I weaned Ella at 17 weeks, which some of the health professionals involved in Ella’s care didn’t agree with. She was NG fed from 7 weeks old, lost her sucking ability and developed a heightened gag reflex. I knew she needed the oral stimulation in order to develop her oral motor skills needed for feeding and also speech. At 11 months she has a peg tube (which we are hoping will be out before too long), but is eating well and drinks all her fluids from a cup. She has just started to get interested in feeding herself and enjoys a variety of tastes and textures.

The hardest parts of being a mother: I would say, for me the hardest part has been decision making and the responsibility of the consequences of those decisions. Ella lost 15% of her birth weight and we struggled to establish feeding. She was unable to breastfeed and we took the decision to start bottle feeding formula and expressed milk, which she initially took well to and we were allowed to take her home when she was 13 days old. At home, feeding times became increasingly stressful and erratic as she began to take less and less, most probably due to the hole in her heart which was tiring her. Her weight remained static for 4 weeks despite being on high calorie formula. We ended up having her admitted to hospital at 7 weeks old to have a nasogastric tube inserted to feed her with. Within 3 days she was already putting on weight and this has continued ever since.

On May 12th 2011 at Alder Hey Hospital, Ella underwent open heart surgery to repair her VSD (Ventricular Septal Defect - hole between the wall of the ventricles). Her op had been cancelled twice before, so it was third time lucky. I don't think I can explain how I felt, it's not something that is easily put into words. For the most part, survival mode kicks in and I pretty much ran on autopilot for the week she was in hospital. Even being a nurse and working in a clincial environment doesn’t prepare you for seeing your own child, so small and vulnerable, ventilated and hooked up to noisy machines. I remember wanting to run away but knowing I could never do that to her. I could manage about ten minutes at a time sitting and watching her. I knew she needed time to get better, but waiting was the hardest thing to do. I just wanted to scoop her up and cuddle her but I couldn't even do that. She was on ITU for two days (instead of just one) after a minor hitch that set her back 24hrs. Considering she had major surgery, she came through it very well.

After 2 days on ITU she was transferred to the ward and was discharged on day 6 post surgery. She has a 3-4 inch scar down her chest and a residual tricuspid valve leak which is being monitored. She has more energy now and has most definitely recovered much quicker than her mummy and daddy!

Following Ella’s diagnosis, I felt sure that life was never going to be the same again. This has proven to be true, but not for the reasons I worried about then. Most of the time, the worries I have and problems I have to solve are those shared by mums the world over and have more to do with motherhood than Down's Syndrome.

The best parts of being a mother: This is a hard question for me to answer. It’s only in the last few weeks that I have really begun to enjoy being a mum (typically, just before I went back to work). I have always loved Ella and loved being with her, we just didn’t get the easiest of beginnings. I feel I am only now beginning to pick myself up and dust myself off.

I do love taking her new places and showing her new things. And that first smile of the day – sends my heart fluttering every time. I feel a sense of pride when I am with her and like a part of me is missing when we are apart.

One of the rewarding things about having a baby with additional needs is that you are more aware of their achievements than you would be with a ’normal’ baby (whatever that is!). The smaller milestones that may be overlooked in other children are noticed, nurtured and valued, sometimes more so than the bigger ones.

When I look back to the sleepy, floppy baby I brought home from hospital, I can hardly believe she has come so far in just 11 months. For Ella life has, until recently been more about overcoming challenges than reaching milestones. I feel very lucky that we have met some lovely people - both professionals and other families – that we would never have met if Ella didn’t have Down’s Syndrome.

There will be hard times ahead.... there are already many hard times behind us. But I already know that the good times will always outweigh the hard times. She has taught me so much in such a short time and seeing life from a new perspective is a privilege that not many of us get the chance to experience.

Hope’s for your family: I hope.....

... Ella stays happy and healthy

... we can always be the parents that Ella deserves

... one day there will be less negativity surrounding Down’s Syndrome

... in time, I will feel ready to have another baby. I know that Ella will make the best big sister!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Babies are very resilient, there is no such thing as a routine and the first few weeks are the worst. Things will get easier! Accept offers of help, but make sure it’s on your terms and enjoy every second of your baby because time really does fly by.

Babies don’t come with an instruction manual, but you’re not supposed to know everything straight away either. If you want help, advice or answers then ask a friend, midwife or health visitor – it won’t be anything they haven’t been asked before.

Nobody likes to talk about it, but sometimes things do go wrong, life doesn’t turn out the way you had imagined and it’s hard. But as time goes on, the bad days do get fewer and further apart and through it all, life goes on.


Amy has a blog at: http://adifferentview-amy.blogspot.com

Mary and Eleanor

Name: Mary 

Child: Eleanor, 11 months

Location: Stockport

Expectations of Motherhood: To spend the next twenty years or so to bringing up my children to be confident, upright, responsible, socially minded, happy, independent individuals who are not afraid to be themselves. I don't expect to "get my life back" for a while, perhaps years, but I work better when I'm busy anyway. If the last year is anything to go by motherhood will always come first from now on but as long as there's still space to be myself I don't mind.

Taking your child/children home for the first time: I wanted a home birth but had to go to hospital at the last minute. it was a big part of my birth plan to spend the first night in my own bed at home, the three of us all together, so rather resented it when they forced me into staying overnight by taking hours and hours to bring me my discharge papers. Next morning Matt and my mum came to pick me up early and I sat in the kitchen when we got back feeling rather odd emotionally and physically. All four grandparents arrived for dinner and we had champagne which, coupled with everything else, made the evening quite surreal. I remember I needed to feed her but felt too self conscious to do it in front of everyone so absented myself (rather gratefully) from the celebrations to try and get her latched on, which proved difficult. Once my mum had got her on for me and positioned us with a million cushions and pillows we took a photo so as to try and remember what proper positioning looked like. Now I can't believe looking at it how tiny and curled up she was in my arms.

Reality of Motherhood: I never realised how totally all-consuming it is. I don't know where I thought she'd be when I continued about my normal life, but as she's one of those children that wants to be held all the time and always wants to see and try out whatever you're doing it's rather limiting. For example I can't do any sewing (I previously ran a business making wedding dresses) when she's around as she wants to be involved and it's too dangerous. On the other hand I've found out how much fun simple things can be - sitting playing, watching the birds and planes, doing some gardening - and how much you can achieve in the two hours of sleep she manages a day. There's so much to teach her and I'm so proud of all the things she's learning. I've also found it quite lonely at times. When you give up work you give up the everyday social life with it, and I've realised how out of practice I am at making new friends with those I'm not forced into daily contact with!

The best/worst advice: My granny kept phoning up when Eleanor was little telling me to put her on the bottle, which made me really angry as I was having some problems feeding her anyway and feeling inadequate because of that. In hindsight I know she's from a generation with a totally different parenting style, so I should have known to take her advice with a pinch of salt, but at the time it was really hard not to doubt myself. 

The best advice was "trust your instincts". It takes a bit of practice and confidence so I didn't get the hang of that till she was three months old or so, but once you realise what your instinct is, it's great. It's hard with all the advice people give you - because everyone who's had a child has a piece of advice they think is indispensable, and because they used it themselves you can't reject it out of hand. Because motherhood and how you choose to do it is so intense and personal, a rejection of your advice can feel like a criticism of how you did it - which if you're the doubting sort can make you feel like a failure and if you're the angry sort can make you feel very offended. I still haven't found the answer, now I just try and change the subject. I know I'm no better though, when I find myself trying to brainwash expectant mothers into following my ways!

The hardest parts of being a mother: Knowing that you've got responsibility for a future adult, not just a baby, and that making mistakes now can saddle them with long term issues. Not knowing the future, or what the results will be of your well-meaning tactics. It bothers me when I see her doing something she's seen me doing but I haven't actively taught her. It makes me wonder what bad habits I'm letting her think are ok. Also it can get quite boring. This morning I had to stand by while she inspected what must have been every berry on a 20m stretch of hedgerow. I wished I had a book with me, then realised I couldn't just stand about reading while she explored - I'd go into cloud cuckoo land and wouldn't notice her either eating the poisonous berries or wandering out into the traffic. So I'm going to just have to get used to it.

The best parts of being a mother: Revisiting the sheer fascination of every tiny thing around us that we've categorised as white noise. I've got a memory of when I was little, crouching by a flowerbed in the park and looking closely at the flowers. I've often wished I could get back into that zone - that feeling of wonder at everyday things - and now I can without looking like a weirdo! 

Hopes for your family: I hope she carries on developing into the amazing person I can see now, and isn't knocked back by something I, or other people, thoughtlessly do or say. At the moment she's so confident socially, and loves to go up to people and make friends. I really hope she carries on with that confidence and friendliness. I hope we have at least another couple of children. I'm one of four and we all get on really well. When we all get together it's such fun and I'd love to carry that on in my family. I hope she grows up knowing how much we love her and just how incredible we think she is - I'd hate for her to doubt that.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Do trust your instincts, and be prepared for people to knock your methods. Whatever you're doing, someone will disagree. My personal soapbox is about crying: a baby's cry is a communication, not just an annoying noise. If you work to discover why they're crying and meet their needs they won't do it so much. If you leave them crying it recalibrates their evolved expectations that their needs will be met (and done over a period of time studies have shown it can lead to mental problems later in life). I feel really passionate about this issue and am the annoying woman trying to give out this piece of advice to poor unsuspecting new mums and mums-to-be!