Ellie, Lucas, Aurora and Jake

Name: Ellie 

Children: Lucas, 4,  Aurora, 2, Jake, 2 - they are twins 

Location: Stockport

Expectations of Motherhood: Before I had Lucas, I planned to return to work after 6 months. I had a promising career in PR and communications and I didn't want to lose everything I'd worked hard for. I thought maternity leave would be so much fun - meeting new mum friends for coffee while my newborn slept peacefully in a pram. I anticipated I'd have time for hobbies, such as knitting and reading. I think my whole expectation of parenthood was based on films and TV programmes. 

Reality of Motherhood: It was like someone took the pieces of my life and threw them into the air - when they landed, my life was unrecognisable. 

When Lucas was born, I struggled to bond with him and by the time I had, I knew I wouldn't be ready to return to work as soon as I had planned. However, my post was made redundant when Lucas was 5 months old and after lots of discussion with my husband, I decided to put my career on hold and stay at home with our son. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made. 

Taking your children home for the first time: When we took Lucas home, I kept looking behind us, sure that a midwife would come and rescue him from his clueless parents. I couldn't believe we were allowed to walk out of hospital with him! At home, we all sat and stared at him sleeping in his Moses basket (first and last time). We had no idea what we should have been doing.

Our twins were born at home in a planned water birth, so there was no 'taking home'. It was still very surreal, but I loved being at home. We put Lucas to bed, ate pizza and drank champagne.

The best/worst advice: My dad once told me that his best parenting advice was 'fake it til you make it'. I was flabbergasted - he usually seemed to have it all together raising me as a single parent, but he was faking it! I always come back to that advice, and I think he was encouraging me to trust my instincts. 

I've had lots of poor advice, but the one thing I'm still cross about is the suggestion to buy a top and tail bowl. I cannot think of a more useless object to purchase.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The relentlessness. We have 3 children under 5; there is no break. We are always rushing, always on a knife-edge, and it is very difficult. For a long time I struggled with my new identity as a stay-at-home-parent. I now run 3 businesses and do some volunteer work, and this has helped me to feel like me again. Parenting is such a thankless job, isn't it?

The best parts of being a mother: My children. I sometimes sneak a glance at them and I cannot believe they are ours. They are little miracles, and watching them grow up is a magnificent gift. I feel incredibly lucky that we are happy, healthy, and financially secure. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? My priorities have changed. My family will always come first, and after being out of the workplace for 5 years, I cannot imagine returning. My previous job would have been hard to balance with a young family, and the truth is I like being there for school runs, school events, and playgroups. Some of my pre-children friends have found this hard to understand - I would have too before having my son. At the social enterprise that I run, we want to help parents to develop their skills and experience while raising young families, without sacrificing time with their children.

Hopes for your family: I hope they are, and continue to be, happy. I hope they always know how much we love them; how hard we try, even when we don't get it right. I hope they will come to us when they are struggling, and that we will be a safe space for them.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums? Talk about how you feel. You might think you're the only one feeling overwhelmed, but you aren't! We need to talk about how hard the transition to parent can be - it is life-changing in the truest sense of the phrase. 

Jane, Wilf, Bertie and Iris

Name: Jane 

Children: Wilf, 7, Bertie, 4, Iris, 11 weeks, 
and Baby Zee, 
Stillborn at 40 + 4 in September 2013

Location: Chorlton 

Expectations of Motherhood: I had wanted to be a mum for as long as I could remember, having a pretty good one myself I was lured into a false sense of security that motherhood was a bit of a breeze. I envisaged long, rosy days of cuddles, coos and calm; I dreamed I would be brilliant at it. 

Reality of Motherhood: It isn't easy, it isn't a bit of a breeze and my days are certainly not the utopia of cuddles/coos/calm that I imagined. It is, hands down, the hardest job I've ever done - and I deal with hundreds of challenging teenagers for a living. That said, it is without a doubt the most rewarding, amazing and fulfilling role I have ever played. In any given day I can be a hundred different people - cook, cleaner, butler, teacher, doctor, nurse, dentist, spy, superheroine, playdoh modeller extraordinaire - the list goes on - and I love that about motherhood, the variety of it, the unpredictability of it. 

There is also, still, the unbelievability that I made them! I love that picture of Wonderwoman with the caption, ‘I grow humans, what’s your super power?’, sums it up just perfectly.

The growing humans element is amazing but in very rare cases things don't work out with this little person you have been growing inside you for 9 months and often dreaming of for even longer. The reality of being a bereaved parent is shockingly awful, something that you can never be prepared for and something you should never have to be. Losing our daughter at full-term has taught me a lot of things, most significantly to make the most of every single minute I have with my babies; I have come face to face with many women who would give anything to be a mother for the first time, and even for the second and third time, and I think of them often these days as I cuddle my three crazies and remember the one in the sky who didn't quite make it but left a huge imprint on all of our hearts. 


Taking your children home for the first time: aaaargh! It felt like we'd drawn a lot of money out of the bank and everyone knew we had it on us; driving home from the hospital I was convinced that we were somehow more at risk than before, that someone would definitely crash into us, that the whole world knew we had this precious bundle in the car and were all out to get him. And there it began, the worry of being a parent, the innate mechanism you have to protect your child against any harm. Once home, we set him down on the living room floor and looked at each other - both terrified even at the prospect of getting him out of his car seat. Eventually we got him out and showed him around his new home; even to this day I can hear my husband's little speech for the different Mr Men and Little Miss characters in his bedroom, it was something he did from that moment on almost every night with Wilf before bath time/bedtime. I also remember that feeling that he might break, he seemed so small and fragile and I was convinced I was going to trip and drop him. It took a lovely midwife to show me that, actually, they were pretty hardy things these babies and it needn't take me half an hour to get him out of his vest! 

With Iris I felt such a sense of relief to be walking out of the hosptial with a baby who was alive and well, the trauma of the pregnancy and the difficult process of her birth seemed to drop away from me with each step I took towards the hospital exit and I remember sitting in the car with her screaming at the top of her lungs in the back with her two brothers covering their ears and giggling and having a secret smile to myself thinking 'I've done it.'

Best advice: I heard somewhere to remember that your voice becomes their inner voice, to speak to them how you want them to talk to you, how you want them to talk to themselves. I remember telling my eldest off last summer for growling when he became frustrated with something, then only a day or so later I was disgruntled at some minor misdemeanour and I heard myself growl in temper. You are their teacher, their role model - be the best one you can be. 

My second bit of good advice was to listen to your heart, as a mum you know (or can work out) what's best for your child. You don't need to follow the crowd – with Wilf everyone seemed to be doing baby-led weaning, but it all seemed like a bit of a faff to me and my boys were hungry babies, chewing on a bits of food was not going to fill them up so I decided to go 'old school' and wean them as my mum had done with me...baby rice, mush, chunky mush etc. It worked for us and I don't think my boys are at any disadvantage for not leading their own weaning programme! 

Worst advice: The worst came from a midwife who told me to eat like it was the 1970s when I was breastfeeding. It turns out that wasn't true and all that cream, butter, full-fat milk and cake I took great delight in eating not only stuck to my thighs (and I am sure is still there now) but seemed to create a rather podge-some baby who tipped off the end of the centile charts, resembled a small Buddha and was an absolute nightmare to lift up to the sky in our baby yoga classes!

Also the whole 'sleep whilst your baby sleeps mantra' that was uttered, it seemed, from every angle never seemed to materialise. If I ever managed to get my babies to sleep during the day in the house, it was nothing short of a small miracle, so after the initial few minutes of congratulating myself on my major achievement I spent the rest of their slumber (anything from 5 minutes upwards) running round like a crazy horse doing laundry, tidying, making the tea. This time round I am trying to do more relaxing as I know only too well that return to work will be here before I know it. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: definitely the guilt and the worry. The guilt comes from whether you are doing enough with and for your baby/children. When the return to work happens, if it has to, there's a sense that you are not doing any of your roles (mum, wife, friend, sister, employee etc) as well as you possibly could be. Coming to realise that you can't be perfect in every role is a tough thing to accept. 

The worry of parenthood has shocked me, I was a worrier before but my hubby has (probably rightly) recently diagnosed me as a 'catastrophic thinker,' particularly in terms of the children’s health. It takes all my self-control to stop myself from self-diagnosing a rash as meningitis or worse. This has definitely been compounded by losing our first daughter at full-term without any warning at all; that's made me feel that the rug can be ripped out from under us in the click of a finger. I speak to many mums who identify with this worry of motherhood, who worry and panic over any symptom of illness their child presents with and they haven't experienced a stillbirth. I think for some of us, it goes with the territory these babies are your most precious things and I know my mum still worries about me now; finding strategies to help with the worry and help to calm concerns definitely helps - Doctor Google is most certainly not your friend.

The best parts of being a mother: the love! The unconditional love and foreverness that comes with them all. The fact that they love you madly and absolutely, even though you might make them eat just one more carrot or tidy away their box of stones that have been thoughtfully tipped all over the floor or clean their dirty knees or brush their hair, they still utterly think you are the bees’ knees. I love the sloppiness of their love too; the fact that they will just kiss you for no reason, bundle you over in a hug that has no limits, kiss you for so long you almost can't breathe. I love that they need me, I think we all like to be needed. Whether it's the primal need of the newborn who needs nappies changing or boobs for feeding or the toddler who needs you to help them master the art of walking or the 7 year old who wants to know what the word 'internationally' means or why you can't surf on the lava from a volcano. Being a mum is amazing. 

Has becoming a mother changed you? it's made me a little less frenetic, a little more anxious and a little better at baking and playing at being a superhero. It has made me feel incredibly fortunate and more proud than I ever though possible of these people we have made. 

Losing Baby Zee has made me more aware of the silent mothers who walk amongst us, mothers without babies here on earth but still mothers none-the-less; there are times when I catch one of these mums watching me in the street, looking at me and my three children. She doesn't say anything but she doesn't need to, her look is one I know all too well as it's a look that I used myself to look upon so many mums in the days and weeks that followed our loss. Mums with girls, mums with three children, mums with two boys and a girl, mums with newborns. I don't say anything back to her, I don't even catch her eye but in my heart I send her a hug because being that mum is so, so tough. Before our loss, I wouldn't even have seen her. 

Hopes for your family: that we always love each other, laugh with each other, support each other and be the best team we can be. It sounds cliched but I truly hope that my children will be happy, that they will dream big and that they will utterly love their lives. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?

1. Follow your heart not the crowd.

2. Capture memories because they will be gone in the blink of an eye - whether it's a letter you write every year on their birthday, a yearly family photo album you make with all your amazing photographs of everything you have done in that year or a memory box filled with momentos.

3. Make as much time as you can for them now, for it won't be long before they don't want to bundle you over with a hug or give you kisses that have no end. 

There’s a beautiful poem called The Last Time, the poet is anonymous but it has the lovely lines of:

"You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face

The thing is, you won’t know it’s the last time. 

Until there are no more times, and even then, it will take you a while to realise. 

So while you are living in these times, 

remember there are only so many of them and when they are gone, 

you will yearn for just one more day of them.”

4. As they grow give them a variety of experiences which encourage them to be individuals and enable them to experience the wonder of the world. Whether it's experiencing a range of different types of holiday or trying different baby groups or something as simple as playing with a range of different toys - it's always amazed me that even though the boys have been raised with the same moral compass, their likes and dislikes are so different.

5. Try and get some baby friends before baby number 1 arrives, my NCT group and the mums I met at antenatal yoga were a huge source of support for me in those early days of not knowing what the heck was going on, and even now, 7 years on, some of them are my closest friends – bonded by our shared start in this thing we call motherhood. 

Extra Info: Jane is a deputy headteacher in East Manchester.

Clare, Oscar, Archie and Iris

Name: Clare 

Children: Oscar (10), Archie (8), Iris (6) 

Location: West Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: As I was the first of my group of friends to have a baby, I was pretty naïve about what I was letting myself in for. I was never particularly career focused and always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mum if possible.

I imagined the sleepless nights and all the hard work would all be made worthwhile by this little bundle of joy that I would love with all my heart. I imagined that through hard work and lots of love I would produce a beautiful family that I would be proud of every step of the way.

Reality of Motherhood: It has turned out completely different to how I imagined. My eldest son, Oscar has been diagnosed with high functioning autism (Aspergers) along with ADHD and was (and continues to be) so much harder than I ever thought a child could be. As a baby, he was irascible, grumpy, angry, unsettled and generally unbearable unless he was being carried. He would not sleep and would not lie on his own for more than one minute without screaming the house down. I knew babies could be difficult but he was just different to other babies. It was obvious from the start that my idea of the perfect family was not going to come to fruition. 

Although I had two more children soon after who are calm, quiet and seemed in comparison very easy, Oscar’s behaviour continues to dominate our lives. We are restricted to where we can go as he gets angry and stressed very easily. He can also be incredibly unkind to his siblings and is unable to see that his cruel behavior impacts on all around him. I am very fortunate to have a soul mate in my partner as I couldn’t have dealt with life without him. As many parents of autistic parents know, it can put a huge amount of strain on your relationship dealing with this behavior day in, day out.

As a mother, I knew I would be a cook, cleaner, nurse, playmate, confidante, friend and teacher, but I suppose I didn’t think that I would have a child with disabilities. It’s hard to understand someone’s behavior when it’s so different to your own and your other children’s. It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t look like they want to be loved and mostly acts like they don’t love you, and who flinches when you hug them. It’s hard to love someone who hurts your children, who belittles them and who constantly berates them, but in the end you have to, because they are your child, your blood - they are part of you. I never thought motherhood would be this hard. 

The reality of my perfect family has been shattered as living with a child with a disability completely takes over you and your family’s world. In reality, I feel like I ‘parallel’ parent my children. There are rules that Oscar follows and if he does, we are eternally grateful. The other children are expected to follow these basic rules and perform above and beyond because this is what typically developing children should do. Although it’s hard to explain to a 6 year old why she has to do something and her 10 year old brother does not. It has made our younger children patient, kind and thoughtful around children with difficulties and I hope this difficult start, dealing with a brother with disabilities will make them special people. This is what I want out of motherhood – to bring up kind, considerate and likeable people.

Taking your children home for the first time: It was daunting bringing Oscar home for the first time. Suddenly this wasn’t me playing a game of happy families, it was real life and I now had this tiny thing waiting for me, who relied on me and needed me. Scary!

When the Archie and Iris came home, they just slotted in to every day life as if they were always there. I often thought, ‘why did I find it so hard first time round?’.

The best/worst advice: I have a child who has always been very difficult, appears badly behaved and is almost impermeable to discipline. People would judge me without knowing what I was dealing with, they would offer advice on how to deal with Oscar without understanding the difficulties he faced, and proceeded to advise me on how they would deal with him. Most advice I received that related to Oscar wasn’t useful as people couldn’t put themselves in his shoes (or mine).

The best advice I was given as a mother was by my own Mum (as is often the case). She told me that I was a warrior and that I was given Oscar because I was strong enough to deal with him and with all the other people who would judge me because of his behavior. Her advice was, and is, to be strong and to believe in myself because I am going to help Oscar to become a kind, functioning and competent man. I just hope she is right.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Its relentlessness!! The fact that you never really feel that you live your life for yourself anymore. It’s a total act of selflessness which can sometimes be overwhelming.

Sometimes I feel like I want to give up and let Oscar continue on down his path of destruction and selfishness, but I know that I can’t. I have to keep plugging away at him, trying to set him on the right path and showing him that I love him no matter how he acts. But it’s so very hard. 

The irony of having a child like Oscar is that he finds it hard to put himself in other people’s shoes, but it’s also very hard to put yourself in his shoes and understand his world – it must be really hard being him and my heart melts when I think how hard his life must be. I wish I could make it easier for him, but I can’t and I find that hard too.

The best parts of being a mother: Having had a child who doesn’t like affection or being hugged, I love the affection that I get from my other children. I love the fact that they need me and want me. I am so proud of them all in their own ways, with their individual characters and infuriating ways and I look at them and think ‘wow, I made these amazing people’. No feeling in the world comes close to being a Mum.

Although I have focused on negatives of having a child with disabilities, there are plenty of amazing things about Oscar that I wouldn’t change for the world. He is a funny, quirky and very intelligent person who makes me laugh and cry in equal quantities (almost!) and I honestly wouldn’t change him for the world. The things that others take for granted with their typically developing children are often the best things for me as a mum. When I told him that we were going to watch a United game, he gave me a hug unprompted with proper feeling. That was one of the best days for me. 

Has becoming a mother changed you: I don’t think so. I have always been capable, competitive, organized and loving and these are the tools that I use every day being a Mum. I am probably a little less self obsessed and a lot more tolerant than I used to be. But I am still me just with less time on my hands.

Hopes for your family: For Oscar, I hope he is able to be independent, to have friends, to be liked and to be happy. I wish the same things for Archie and Iris, but I know these things are much more achievable for them.

I hope that they love each other and look after each other and that they are kind and compassionate. I want people to love them as I do. I hope that their childhood, living and dealing with a disability, will shape them and help them to become good people. Then I will feel like I have done my job as a mum.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Although it seems that everyone else is having an easy ride, finding motherhood easy and that their child is perfect (ie. that their child sleeps through at 6 weeks, never cries, eats everything they put in front of it, entertains itself for hours in the morning when it wakes), just remember that most people are lying and everyone is finding it as hard as you, its just that you’re being honest! 

Joanna, Pablo, Nico and Lola

Name: Joanna 

Children: Pablo (3), Nico & Lola (6 months) 

Location: Levenshulme, Manchester 

Expectations of Motherhood: I guess I expected to be more of an "earth mother" type. I thought I would want to stay at home with my children until they were at least two like my sister did. My mum was a stay at home mum until I was about 11. I also kind of expected to be more soppy about my children, as I am quite a sentimental person. And I thought I'd be the sort to make my own baby food and breastfeed as long as possible. 

Reality of Motherhood: Pablo, my eldest son was a very colicky baby and wanted to be breastfed every two hours around the clock. Apparently this is normal, but that doesn't stop it from being intolerable! Especially, given that poor Pabs used to scream the whole time he was awake for the first four months of his life. He was a very light sleeper and I had to walk up and down jiggling him for at least 20 minutes after each feed to get him to sleep. Then I'd put him down and he'd wake up and I'd have to start the whole thing again. Even co-sleeping did not work. He would lie next to me and scream in my ear! He wanted to be in my arms and he wanted me to stand and pace the floor, preferably whilst listening to white noise CDs at full volume! My husband and I would fall asleep listening to the sound of Arctic winds sweeping across the icy tundra, only to be awoken one hour later. I was getting a couple of hours of sleep a night and the adage "sleep when he sleeps" used to send me into paroxysms of rage. "But he doesn't sleep!" I ranted to anyone who would listen. Daytime naps lasted maybe 20 minutes, and I had to walk him round the park in the pushchair to get him to drop off each time. Then he would wake up at the slightest noise and I would have to be on hand to jiggle the pram and get him to sleep again. There was no way I was going to be able to nap when he did. 

I was dying to stop breastfeeding but he refused to take a bottle until one day when he was seven months, I gave him fruit juice in a bottle and he liked the new flavour so much that he took to the bottle. That gave me a bit more freedom. I know breastfeeding is very beneficial to babies but the reality for mums can be a life of 24/7 slavery. At times I felt like my baby was deliberately torturing me. I wasn't depressed, but I was very angry that this whole burden was foisted on me and only me, and nobody could give me a break. Sleep deprivation made me extremely short-tempered and I would phone my mum to complain or cry down the phone. She's had it really tough, dealing with me dealing with motherhood! 

I tried taking Pablo to a cranial osteopath, I tried taking him to a specialist, thinking he had reflux, but nothing seemed to help. Then when he was 4 months he smiled and was happy for a bit of the time he was awake. That was a breakthrough. He still wanted to be held and entertained constantly but at least it was possible to make him happy! I did think motherhood would be a bit more of a doss; that I might be able to do some nice home cooking while my baby napped. In reality, I constantly had to hold and entertain him or work to keep him asleep, so there was no blissful period of watching daytime TV and meeting friends for coffee. Just drudgery! Suffice to say when Pabs was nine months old I was very glad to have the chance to go back to work. I'd been a language teacher previously, but I never fancied combining teaching with motherhood. I knew I'd end up using all my patience for other people's kids and have none left for my own! My husband had started a business about 18 months previously and was struggling with the admin side of things, so I started helping him two days a week, which went up to three days when Pablo was 19 months and four days when he was two, as the business grew. 

I probably sound like I don't even like my child, but I really really do! My love for my children is like a fact of life, it's just there, hardwired, like having brown hair (well mostly brown!) It doesn't make me weepy and sentimental but when I cuddle them I often get a rush straight to my heart. It's physical, I can actually feel it. I really like Pablo too, which is not the same as loving him. I enjoy his sense of humour, and his imagination. He is also very affectionate, and passionate and a bit of a charmer. Even when he was about eight months old he used to give me these fierce hugs, where he'd press his little face into mine so hard that it hurt! As I get to know Nico and Lola, I like them more and more too. I'm dying to know what's going on in their little heads! 

I found out I was having twins at my 12 week scan. Before then I'd noticed my bump was bigger than first time round, and I'd been joking that I was going to have triplets, little thinking that a multiple birth could really happen to me! Of course I was shocked, though not as much as my husband, Guille, whose reaction was "Oh Gooood this is the end of our lives!" I was very worried about how I'd cope, especially if I got two babies as colicky as Pablo. I felt a sense of impending doom for most of my pregnancy and I forced myself to get stuff done (potty-training Pablo, buying our first house) because I couldn't face the thought of doing it later with twins in tow. When I was about 30 weeks pregnant I received a magazine from TAMBA (Twins and Multiple Births Association) which had loads of photos of cute twins and next to each picture how many weeks they were born at: Kira and Kyle 35 weeks, Jordan and Dane, 34 weeks, Mia and Megan 32 weeks - Aargh! I realised my babies were statistically very likely to be born prematurely (i.e. in a couple of weeks' time) and I still didn't have a double buggy or any tiny baby clothes (they were likely to be titchy too). So I rushed around buying everything which was fortunate because they were born shortly afterwards at 34 weeks. 

Taking your children home for the first time: I had Pablo at home, so there was no coming home from the hospital. I just hit the ground and kept on running. My labour was very quick, 6 1/2 hours from start to finish. I was talking to my contractions going, "Come on pain, do your stuff, open me up and let Pablo into the world!" It was like leaning into the wind. I'd wanted to have pain relief, but because it was all so quick, I didn't get the chance.

It was 11pm on boxing day when I went into labour. Everyone tells you to just chillax and carry on as you were until the pain gets too much, so I just kept on watching Peep Show, then tried to go to bed, though of course I couldn't sleep. Then at about two in the morning I woke Guille up and told him he should start inflating the birthing pool. He spent ages pumping the thing up and filling it, which was no easy matter as the water tank wasn't large enough to provide sufficient hot water, so he had to run a hose from the electric shower and boil the kettle and numerous saucepan. We'd had a dress rehearsal, so we were prepared for all that. The only thing was, once it was full, he realised he hadn't put the liner in, which meant it wasn't hygienic enough to use, so he had to pump all the water out and start again! Cue some choice swearwords in Spanish! Meanwhile I was on all fours on the bathroom floor, groaning.

By the time he had refilled the pool, it was about 5am and the midwife had arrived. "Don't worry, you probably won't have baby till about lunchtime tomorrow!" she breezed as she started to examine me. 
"Can I have some gas and air?" I pleaded. 
"Maybe later," she said, "You're doing so well with your breathing!" 
With me in agony, she took my blood pressure, felt the baby's position, and lastly had a look to see how dilated I was. "Oh, I think you're about to have this baby!" she said brightly. Hmm that's what I thought! "Do you want to go down to the pool?" 
I did, so she nipped out to get her equipment, but while she was gone I got this overwhelming urge.
"I'm pushing!" I roared to Guille who was still twiddling with the birthing pool downstairs. "Get her to come back!"

Despite underestimating how far on I was, she was a very nice midwife and helped me decide when to push so as not to tear. I got on all fours and roared and thrutched, it was all very primal. Guille was pretty awed. Then Pablo was born onto the bed, looking like some kind of purple grub, but strong as hell, pushing himself along. Guille remembers feeling bad for him, thinking, "When are they going to pick him up?" He was there for seconds all alone, before he was scooped up for the skin-to-skin with me. The second midwife arrived after an hour or so (there are meant to be two of them at a home birth, one for you and one for the baby, but me and Pabs were a bit too quick off the mark.) 

After they left it was a bit weird, living in this twilight world of constant waking. He was jaundiced so I had to feed him every two hours (timed from the beginning not the end of the last feed) and midwives came to visit every couple of days to check on us. One of them made me feel awful for giving him a dummy "A breastfed baby doesn't need a dummy, you're stopping him from feeding and getting the fluids he needs." I ended up bawling my eyes out that I wasn't doing right by my baby. Although things didn't go entirely according to plan, I would definitely count Pablo's birth as a good experience. I felt in control of my body and of the whole process. 

The twins' birth was the polar opposite. Twin births are considered high risk, so it's not possible to have a home birth. I suppose you could if you were very radical and got in a private midwife, but if someone tells me my baby could be in danger, I'm not going to argue. Nevertheless, I was keen to have as natural a birth as possible, and as both babies were head down, that seemed reasonably likely. 

The labour was horrid because the contractions came so close together right from the start. They were about three minutes apart from the beginning and rapidly escalated to a state of constant agony. Meanwhile instead of crawling around and responding to the pain, I was laid on my back and strapped to a monitor while various doctors and midwives desperately tried to find a trace of Lola's heartbeat. They brought in a portable ultrasound machine and scanned me, only to find that one of my good little head down babies had migrated into a transverse position. Naughty Lola! Then they checked how I was progressing and this weird male nurse who looked like Lurch gave me an unwholesome grin and told me I was fully dilated. This precipitated a frenzy of activity. "OK mum, we need to take you to the delivery suite, we might need to do a C-Section or we might have to deliver twin 1 vaginally and twin 2 by C-section." They all call you mum, which is incredibly annoying, (I am not your mother OK?!) but seems to be NHS policy. I was raced through corridors on my wheeled bed and was just about compos mentis enough to let them know that, no thanks, I really didn't want scars in two places and could they please just get both babies out by C section if possible, ta.

Meanwhile, poor Guille was given a gown to put on, then he made a quick film on his iphone of him saying "So, this is it, ready for the birth, let's go and meet our twins!" Then when he emerged, everyone had disappeared! He found the theatre where I was, but he wasn't allowed in because it was an emergency C section, and they had to give me a general anaesthetic. I just remember there being about twelve people in the room. A doctor was trying to explain the implications of this document I had to sign, but I was in so much pain I said "It's OK, just give me the pen!" I had a carbon copy to keep and when I read it weeks later I realised I'd basically given them carte blanche to get my babies out by whatever means necessary: C-section, forceps, ventouse or any combination of the above. Under the circumstances I feel very fortunate that it went so well.

The anaesthetist warned me he would have to put pressure on my windpipe to stop me regurgitating the pizza I'd innocently troughed just a few hours previously, and I woke up hours later, shivering so much my teeth chattered and incredibly thirsty. I went into labour at about 8.00pm and the babies were delivered just after midnight. Lola weighed 4lb 4 and Nico 3lb 14. They were carted straight off to the neonatal unit, but I was informed that they were both doing well. Unlike Pablo, I didn't get to see them till the following afternoon. It was nice on the maternity ward. I've never been in such a female dominated environment, (a sorocracy!), but they do try to squeeze you out as soon as they can see you're OK. I was told five days, but after three they were already asking if I felt ready to leave. Having your babies cared for by specialist nurses for the first three weeks of their lives has a lot of advantages. eg. you can actually get some sleep and recover from the birth, instead of plunging headlong into the hideous world of sleepless nights. Visiting them, helping with tube feeds, changing their nappies, all feels like a privilege instead of a chore. I was planning to try breastfeeding them , because I thought it was only fair after Pablo had bagged himself so much boob, so I was expressing every couple of hours. They have a pumping room for this purpose, which makes you feel distinctly bovine, but you do meet lots of other friendly cows in there, and a kind of blitz-spirit reigns. It would make a great Radio 4 play. In any case, we found out that our twins were quite lucky to be born at 34 weeks, and they made very good progress. Only two weeks after they were born we moved house, which was pretty hellish, but at least we didn't have any screaming babies to deal with on removal day as they were still in hospital. 

The neonatal staff were incredibly lovely and it turned out to be a very positive experience for us. Before we brought the twins home, I roomed in with them for a night, which turned into a nightmarish breastfeeding marathon as they took it in turns to feed for two minutes before falling asleep and waking hungry five minutes later, and this throughout the whole night. It took me right back to the darkest days with Pablo, a place I was really not willing to revisit, so after that I decided to bottle-feed them a combination of expressed milk and formula. I kept it up for about two months, but my milk supply dwindled and the health visitors were acting like I was a saint, so I thought, I don't need to be that good! And promptly gave up. 

Motherhood this time round has been a very different experience and mainly because of my mother-in-law, who serendipitously retired the week the twins were born, packed up and shipped in to our new house. She's been here ever since. She has made it bearable, helping with the sleepless nights and generally giving the babies and Pablo lots of love and attention, as well as doing plenty of cooking and housework. She is great and we get on very well most of the time. She's Spanish, from Madrid and doesn't speak any English, but I am fluent in Spanish because I lived in Barcelona with my husband for a couple of years, so we can communicate just fine. It's also great that Pablo has picked up a lot more Spanish with her around, and he surprises us every day with new phrases, many of which make him sound like a granny! He'll do stuff like hold up one of Lola's new outfits and go (in Spanish) "Aw isn't this gorgeous! And look, it's got trousers as well!" 

There are moments of tension sometimes, mainly because I can be such a cow when I get no sleep. I try to be assertive and explain our way of doing things, and she tries to go along with our choices about how to bring the children up. The main thing is that there is a lot of goodwill on each side. My Mum also comes over several times a week to help out and my Dad has helped us so much in our new house, building a ramp for our enormous buggy, repressurising the boiler and all kinds of other tasks that we have no idea how to do. If we didn't have so much help from our parents we would have to get an au pair and spend a fortune on handymen, which obviously we couldn't afford.

The best/worst advice: The best advice is use your instincts, accept all help offered, and don't beat yourself up about not being perfect.

The worst advice is to do with making a month's food in advance and freezing it, and similar over-organised stuff.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Dealing with toddler tantrums and resistance to every step of daily routine, whilst simultaneously dealing with two babies with colic or teething, after a sleepless night which I know will be followed by another sleepless night. Feeling rage that my children could be so mean to me as to never let me have any sleep. Losing my temper with people I love, seeing my husband lose his temper. Never having any time for myself or quality time with my husband.

The best parts of being a mother: Making babies giggle with their cute little gurgly laughs, kissing their lovely baby skin, watching the twins start to take notice of each other, seeing my children's personalities develop. Enjoying toddler humour:" Harry Pottermus", "Grandad's a dustbin!" Enduring toddler love including bisses which are bitey kisses (and quite disgusting!) Seeing my husband being a lovely dad. Sharing a look with each other when one of the kids does something cute. Reading to Pablo and discovering some fantastic kids' stories, such as the Dr Seuss one about the pale green pants with nobody inside 'em!

Has becoming a mother changed you: I am the same person. I just have a lot more responsibilities than I ever thought possible, and I've had to become more organised and have routines whereas I've always preferred to do things randomly. I am more irascible, but I always had that in me. It just comes to the fore more because I have more triggers.

Hopes for your family: I have so many hopes for us. It's not just about being happy, you know! First up, I want everyone sleeping through the night by the end of 2013. 

I hope the kids will get on well like I do with my sisters, that they will appreciate each other's personalities and rarely fight. I want them to speak fluent Spanish and appreciate their Spanish roots and culture, I want them to survive the teenage years unscathed and unbullied. I'd like them to be more financially savvy than me. I'd like them to learn to play musical instruments. I want them to be hardworking but funny and creative. And I want them to be able to talk to us about stuff that's bothering them. So, not much to ask then!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: It's easy to feel guilty all the time, because there's always something you could be doing better, but it's OK to be just good enough to get by, and sometimes being just good enough requires actual heroism, for which you can give yourself a little pat on the back. When you are not good enough, get over it and get on with it. You are only human after all.


Get a dustbuster, and a tumble dryer and a dishwasher. Get a cleaner if you can afford it. Cut the corners you need to cut to remain sane. 


(Lola's first roll captured during the shoot)

Michelle and Emma-Louise, Madison and Casey

Name: Michelle 

Children: 

Emma-Louise (Louie), 6 

Madison (MG). 4 

Casey (CJ) 1.5 yrs

Location: Chorlton, Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I really don’t know. I had never held a baby until about 6 weeks before Emma-Louise was born, when I held her cousin Sian on Christmas Day. I think I always knew that I would have children and hoped in my heart of hearts that I would be able to, but it was only at age 30 that I decided I definitely wanted children. Walking home one day from the bus stop, I questioned, “Why?” I just did not seem satisfied with “my lot”. It took a couple of months for Ian and I to talk about having children and for him to agree to try for baby 1. We caught straight away with Emma-Louise, even buying several pregnancy tests as we were not convinced it could happen so quick. We also caught immediately with Madison (with Casey being more of an unexpected but most welcome [for me!] surprise. 

I spent so much of the first few months of pregnancy either feeling ill or anxious that I don’t think I ever really believed we would have a baby at the end of it. I remember counting the days and weeks and even working them out as fractions and percentages of how far I had progressed. After we had a scan at 12 weeks, we agreed that we should get married (as I always said I wanted us all to have the same surname if we had children). I guess we spent a lot of the next three months or so then planning the wedding. I loved my chocolate brown wedding dress and brown Puma trainers. I loved carrying the most very special guest in my tummy, who would be born only a couple of months later. Even after the wedding and then Christmas/New Year, I still didn’t have very much idea or expectations about motherhood. I think I was still in denial. I loved sitting at my desk at work with a hiccupping baby and that feeling of intimacy and love. I had to leave work a week earlier than planned as I couldn’t get up and down the stairs to the toilet with my SPD! We spent the next week or so fighting with Mamas & Papas about getting the nursery furniture delivered to us in one piece and in time. Eventually the cot, changing unit and wardrobe arrived, although not in 100% perfect condition. Everything was starting to take shape but still I had no expectations as it was all still about the birth and hoping and praying I would have a healthy baby at the end of it all.

Reality of Motherhood: Wow! Motherhood is so many things – good, bad, ugly, happy, sad, … The love I felt for the girls when they arrived was over-whelming. I remember with Madison wondering how on earth I could love another child so much. And with Casey, after such a difficult pregnancy, I was so happy to feel the strength of love with her. The story of my pregnancy is there in history but the feelings that go with it have been overwritten by the strength of love that I feel for Casey. I have my wonderful three girls. Motherhood is challenging on a constant daily basis but there is a love there that makes everything worthwhile.

Taking your children home for the first time: It had been a long slog getting home with Louie as she had to finish a course of antibiotics. I remember feeling so relieved and happy to finally be able to go through the bathing-the-baby lesson with the nurse and then get the baby warmed up and ready for departure. Although, nothing ever goes to plan – it was the beginning of February and we didn’t have extra blankets for Louie so had to “borrow” some from (old) St Mary’s. When we took Madison and Casey home, we brought the same blankets each time.

Coming home with a new baby was tough. It was a really cold and dark time of year and I hated being up in the middle of the night feeling completely out of my comfort zone. I used to fall asleep in the chair with Louie and got scared about dropping her. The midwife suggested I bring her into bed with me, and that was a saving grace for the nights. During the day, however, for the first three months, Louie seemed to just cry when not either on boob or asleep. I used to put her in her bouncy chair and resort to ironing with her screaming next to me. My Mum couldn’t stand the background noise during our calls! Louie I guess had colic/reflux and perhaps a headache from the forceps delivery. She was also so alert and interested – much to my mother-in-law’s surprise at 5 days old, which I still remember like it was yesterday. I used to think she was like a little Margaret Thatcher who famously only needed four hours sleep per night.

The best/worst advice: The best and worst advice I have found can often come at the same time from different people. The first days and nights spent in St Mary’s with Louie were tough as there were perhaps ten different staff members all with something different to say.

It is funny but the best advice could also be seen as the worst by some folk – co-sleeping. My friend was co-sleeping with her baby and so thought the midwife’s advice made perfect sense. However, I remember going for my six week post-natal check and the GP almost self-combusting with annoyance. Things seemed less confrontational when I co-slept with Madison, but the arguments raised their ugly head when I had Casey, with a health visitor and midwife both trying to tell me not to co-sleep with the baby (lecturing me in my own living room). I remained undeterred and have experienced much better sleep and general well-being as a result of co-sleeping. If you want to do it, do it safely but do it!

Other best advice came from the NCT Breastfeeding Counsellor Rosemary when Emma-Louise was four weeks old. I was determined when I was pregnant that I would breastfeed and was desperate to be able to. The first couple of days were a real challenge in the hospital, particularly when told that my “equipment” was not suitable (too large!). We got home and I went through the painful cracked nipples and even mastitis but I remained stubborn and focused. However, I found it different and difficult again at 4 weeks. Rosemary came over and explained that Louie was getting bigger and things would continue to change, and I would need to adapt to these changes.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Not being able to switch off from being Mum. I don’t get a lot of “Michelle” time. I am mainly only away from the children for minutes at a time when carrying out work assignments, so not really switching off. I find it hard sometimes wanting to get something done, like a piece of work or heaven forbid clean the toilet, but the children are always there and I struggle to get it all done. Also, I am less “Michelle” and more Emma-Louise’s/Madison’s/Casey’s Mum and it is difficult sometimes to remember that I was my own person before the girls came along. I always think about them first and how a choice I make would affect them and it would be nice sometimes to just make a decision for me without having to think about the three girls. Also, another hard part is time going so quick. In the first months of being a Mum, sometimes the days would seem to drag and I would wait for 5.30 pm for Ian to get home, almost counting the minutes. However, looking back, it all seems to have gone so quick. Even Casey is a walking toddler now and not a baby any more. Thank heavens though for cameras (and memories). 

The best parts of being a mother: The cuddles. The love. The joy of seeing how each child sees and does new things, such as Casey noticing aeroplanes in the sky and seeing her smile and looking in wonder. I like how we watch Emma-Louise see and discover new things and then it goes to Madison and Casey. The feeling of pride as a Mum is fantastic – when EL can read a sign or advert for the first time, when MG can write her name and when CJ throws herself forward down a slide.

Hopes for your family: I want my three girls to be happy and healthy. That is my biggest hope. I want to play a significant role in their lives forever and to see them grow and flourish as their own people. I feel excitement and almost butterflies when thinking about the future and what it might bring for them. They are bright, beautiful and interesting people so I am sure they can succeed in whatever they put their mind to (hopefully lawful!). I just hope I will have done enough for them as a Mum.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I hope I have written something of use above about breastfeeding and co-sleeping in particular. I think the biggest advice I would offer would be to expect the unexpected. For example, birth plans are great to help get you prepared for the whole birth experience; however, in reality, none of my births went to plan and I didn’t even bother with a birth plan for Casey! Also, I would say to trust your instinct and use your common sense – during pregnancy, labour and motherhood. Remember in day-to-day (non-Mum) life you ask questions when you are not sure about something – perhaps asking about a new mobile phone in a shop and what your contract entitles you to; well, when you see the midwife/GP/hospital staff, if you don’t understand what is going on, please ask – don’t just wait till baby #2 – I am advising this from what I have been through, which led to a far calmer and less stressful experience around my pregnancy with MG and giving birth to her.