Carla, Bill and Iona

Name: Carla 

Children: Bill aged 2.5 and Iona 11.5 months

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: I thought being a mum would be simpler than it is. My mum had me and my elder brother with a similar age gap to my children and I never remember seeing her struggle or look stressed and she rarely, if ever, lost her temper. She was always lots of fun and seemed to know what to do for best. I wanted to be like that I suppose; carefree and fun but practical too.

Reality of Motherhood: As soon as we decided to have a baby, I was pregnant with Bill straight away. I suppose I was quite shocked by that and there were a catalogue of weird events that happened around the same time, like being burgled, some incredibly snowy weather, our neighbour dying and a new family moving into to what had been a peaceful avenue. For the first time in my life I felt out of control. 

I had had a DVT in my leg in 2007, so this meant I was classed as higher risk and
placed on daily injections and ended up having many more appointments than average. I am not really a good patient and I don't ever take anything stronger than paracetamol, so the whole thing seemed a bit alien and over the top. 

My first pregnancy went smoothly and I continued to work my long days and worked hard up until 2 weeks before Bill was due. Circumstances meant that I returned to work part-time when Bill was 6 months old and my husband and our parents took over care on my working days. 

I was pregnant again by the time Bill was one. It had always been our intention to have a small age gap, but once again I was surprised by the speed of it all. At first I was less nervous than I had been in the early months with Bill, but the stress of my job began to take its toll and by the time I was 5 months pregnant I was suffering. I became very ill with a chest infection and then at about 7 months pregnant with Iona, she turned and cracked my rib. I was already tired being pregnant and looking after a toddler and knew the next few months would be very hard. 

The worst thing about being poorly was not being able to look after Bill in the same way. One of the reasons for having two so quickly was so I would be home with my babies, so that I could enjoy the early years. I wasn't used to being out of action and I just wanted to cry as I felt guilty and terrible for my kids. 

The reality is, that you do lose your temper sometimes, you never feel like you have enough hands or enough time and you will need just to abandon all hope of being clean or tidy for a good few years.

Taking your children home for the first time: Bill was born on his due date in a very
busy St Mary's Hospital. The birth was fairly straight forward, but the aftercare was shockingly poor and I discharged myself and came home. We were in the lift downstairs and Andy (my husband) said, "when are we coming back again?"(in other words, for number two). All I could think was that my stitches were killing me and I wanted a decent brew. 

Even at 8lb 15 Bill looked tiny in the car seat and was all thin and wrinkled. 

When we got home, it suddenly felt very real. We showed Bill around the house as I had read about doing that in a book and it seemed a welcoming thing to do. I was glad to be home. Then I think he mainly cried, and we barely slept all night. The next morning at 9am the midwife appeared and told me off for still being in my pjs!

Luckily, Iona was also born on her due date and she was quick and efficient about it, despite also being just short of 9lb. This time hospital wasn't as crowded or as awful, but I came home the day after as I wanted us to be together as a family. Bill seemed to take it quite well and after feeling really poorly I immediately started to feel a lot better and could finally sleep again (when Iona allowed of course). It was a wonderful feeling to have all four of us sat on the bed together. I felt very lucky.

The best/worst advice: 

Worst: When Iona was losing weight and was looking pretty skinny, I was told by the health visitor not to worry about it as "I wouldn't want her to be big in later life"....
she was 5 months old at the time and had gone from the 91st to the 25th centile! I was furious. 

I was also told that I had done the wrong thing taking my little boy out to socialise all the time and I should have sat him in front of a film and then I wouldn't have to try and take both babies as much. This seemed particularly bonkers as after I had Bill, all the advice
was about getting out of the house with the baby so you don't lose your marbles. 

I have had a lot of poor and conflicting advice from health visitors over the years. I think you are very vulnerable when you are a new mum and a lot of people give you useless advice whilst you are striving to do your best. It can make you start to get very confused.

Best: My GP told me to ignore the health visitors! That was very good advice. But generally I think you have to trust your instincts and do what you think and don't doubt yourself even if you are tired and worn out.






The hardest parts of being a mother: I am not sure what's worst - the worry about not doing the right thing at the right time and the consequences of your actions, or the tiredness which some days can be overwhelming, and not being able to down tools and have a day off.....especially if you have a baby like Iona who flatly refuses to take a bottle.

The best parts of being a mother: Cuddling is a definite highlight, there is no end to small people wanting cuddles in this house. You get a lot back for what you put in. Seeing your babies develop and change is also really exciting and fun, plus seeing Bill and Iona having fun together is brilliant.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: A few years ago, the highlight of my year was going off to the USA for a week to present at international conferences. I loved my job and I always wanted to give it 100%. Now, I just don't feel like that at all. Even when I return to work in a few weeks time, I will be strictly part-time and while I hope to do a good job, I will be glad to be at home where my heart is.



Hopes for your family: We had always wanted three children, but after having Bill I seriously reconsidered and having Iona that definitely finalised my decision. I don't feel like one of those people who is a natural mother and I want to do my best for Bill and Iona. I only have two knees to sit on and they are taken now.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: If you can, get to NCT classes and find yourself some good friends, even before you have your baby. I would not have managed without my friends and I have met other good comrades along the way. Friends with children of a very similar age, who live nearby, cannot be underestimated.

You can share the highlights, low lights, proper advice and later down the line, a few beers as well! They really will get you through the dark days and your babies will have friends for life, which is really lovely.

Nicola and Douglas

Name: Nicola 
Child: Douglas, almost 3 (and 16 weeks pregnant with 2nd child)
Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: My expectations were that of most people I think: that it will be easy enough, it won't change your life and you will ensure the baby fits in with you etc, etc. 

Haha! How silly I was! 

Babies are like little whirlwinds of chaos at first! I didn't expect being a mother to be so rewarding however. I also expected that I'd be a mother who stayed at home 5 days a week with her children with no desire to work again. Again, that's not really what happened.

Reality of Motherhood: This will sound negative to start with, but it is the hardest and often most thankless task in the world. The relentless tiredness in that 1st year of Douglas' life was something no-one could ever have explained to me beforehand. While in it you cannot see the wood for the tress. 

Occasionally the fear of being responsible for this little person's wellbeing and their future was overwhelming, especially in the early days. However, being a mother is so rewarding and the joy you feel when your child does something new and exciting, or tells you they love you, is not even remotely comparable with anything else in life. It has taught me how to have endless patience, which I didn't know I was capable of (and can only be a good thing). It has given me a love that is so overwhelming it can still make me cry now just thinking about it.

For me I could not be the stay at home mum I had hoped to be (and had put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to be). Once my little boy was 1 I realised that I had to have something else too, and so I went back to my wedding accessories business that I had set up just prior to having him.  I think this makes me a better mum as I really look forward to the days I have with him and also look forward to work (which is often a lot easier than childcare!). 

I can deal with this decision now, but at the time felt a huge amount of guilt for wanting to be something other than Dougie's mum. I really believe women get a hard time these days whether they choose to go back to work, have to go back to work, or choose to stay at home. You can't win no matter what you do, someone always has an opinion on it. Usually other mums!

I also have made some amazing life-long friends since having Dougie and I think it has been really important for me to have this support network. No-one can understand motherhood like someone else going through the same thing at the same time as you. 

I liken being a mother to being at university in freshers week. You meet lots of other mothers after you've had a baby and the one thing you have in common is a baby (when at uni it is being at uni), but understandably you won't get on with them all. Within a few weeks you work out who are your real friends. 

Generally my experience of other mums has been positive, but I do know of people who have not had such a positive experience. I think it's really sad that some women can be so horrid to other women when they should be supporting each other.

Taking your child home for the first time: For me this was a bit of a blur. I had a planned C-section with Dougie as he was breach, and so all I can really remember is slowly shuffling along endless hospital corridors and then the same into my house (1st floor flat unfortunately). I felt rather like an invalid and was constantly in a lot of pain (it went soon enough though). 

I remember us driving very slowly to the house and playing a song called "Douglas" by a band we like, and me mostly crying all the way home!

The best/worst advice: 

The best advice I was given was to, "Enjoy these moments as they pass".

The worst advice comes from people interfering when you are trying to get on with your daily life - eg. when you're shopping in Sainsbury's and someone tells you, "He doesn't need a dummy," or something equally as ridiculous, and frankly it is none of their business. You become public property as soon as you are pregnant and this seems to continue into motherhood.

The hardest parts of being a mother: For me this is now a lot easier, but for a very long time I just found it so hard to trust my instincts. I was always worried about WHY he was doing something and WHY he had changed his patterns. Now I see there is no rhyme or reason and you cannot control things, so it's just best to not analyse things too much. They are just babies and they do weird things and have no manual.

Oh and of course the tiredness- I am always always tired and have just accepted that I will always be now.

The best parts of being a mother: There are a million things, I can't really put this into words. At the moment probably the fact that Dougie makes me laugh about every ten minutes! He is like a little best mate to hang out with and have chats with (usually about nonsense). 

When they tell you they love you, when they do something to make you so incredibly proud, when they wake you up at a reasonable time in the morning (not 5am!) by coming to the side of your bed and stroking your face. I think having a reason to be rather than just being you is the best thing.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Without a doubt. I thought I knew who I was and I think I really have only discovered this since having Doug. Sometimes you have to change too for the good of your child. There were things I looked at in myself that I wanted to change in order to make life better for him. For example learning to be braver, as I want him to experience things in life and not be scared of stuff!

Hopes for your family: Just health and happiness. We are so excited to meet the new baby in October. We don't mind what this next baby is (Dougie is adamant it is a boy called Donald though?) and we won't find out as we both like a surprise.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: 

Be kind to yourself. 

I wasn't last time and hope I will be this time! And you really do know best - it takes time to realise that, but you do. Instinct is an amazing thing.

Nicola makes wedding accessories which can be found here:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/nicolawellard 

http://www.silver-sixpence-in-her-shoe.co.uk/
http://silversixpenceinhershoe-nicola.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/#!/Silversixpence1
http://www.facebook.com/pages/silver-sixpence-in-her-shoe/243610077016

Jo, Lucy, Ava and Chloe

Name: Jo

Children: Lucy 9, Ava 6 and Chloe 3 

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: Si and I met when we were teenagers. We went to University and moved in together, then bought our house, got married and babies were next.... that’s how it happens isn’t it? 

Except after all those years of trying not to get pregnant I thought it’d be so easy, you know – stop taking those little pills and hey presto 40 weeks later a gorgeous baby and so on. I imagined a lovely little boy who’d look just like his Daddy, I’d breast feed, go to playgroups, have the patience of a saint and juggle motherhood with work no problem.... hahaha. 

Reality of Motherhood: Well I never expected my pregnancy to fail; to lose my precious miracle before it’s had even had a chance, and then the next one too. This was a heartbreaking journey but 3rd time was lucky for us and we welcomed our gorgeous Lucy Loo into the world 9 years ago after a horrendous labour and birth, which I swore I would never ever ever put myself through again. 

Motherhood was what I expected and more, this tiny person who I’d never thought would be here was real. I adored her, I hated it when even my husband took her out it was so intense. I tried breastfeeding and found it really hard. It hurt like hell, my nipples bled and I was so nervous about feeding her in public I timed going out around feeds, it was crazy. 

I then one day was holding Luce - she was 8 weeks old - and I had this truly horrible feeling; I was petrified I’d hurt her. I had to go and put her in her cot as I just couldn’t hold her. It was terrible. To love someone so much, but then be so scared of them at the same time. These intense feelings went on for 2 years until I was diagnosed with severe PND – seriously.. 2 bloody years! I was never going to have another baby...

Then we decided we needed to at least try and give Lucy a sibling. So we tried again. 2 more miscarriages followed then on the third go we conceived Ava. Ava is a determined little soul. I had bleeds throughout the pregnancy, bad ones, I remember going for the scans weekly as even the midwives thought I’d lost her numerous times, but there was her little heartbeat beating on the screen. 

I was petrified about my PND returning and had CBT therapy whilst pregnant to help with my feelings. It was great! Ava arrived without any problems and the birth was a much better experience. Yes it hurt, but I was in control and was home within 6 hours. It was so different than my experience with Lucy’s birth. 

I was more in control this time round, less panicked and coped a lot better, breast feeding was fantastic this time too and I have to admit I fed her until she was 2. The funny thing was as soon as I got home from the hospital that day with Ava, I knew I had to do it again. I was desperate to! It took 2 years to convince my lovely husband that it *would* be a good idea to have 3 children as 2 was far too neat! It was fabulous. I finally got my textbook pregnancy and an amazing really enjoyable delivery. Honestly.  

Taking your children home for the first time: I remember when we brought Lucy home, how tiny she looked in the car seat, how slow we drove, how we got home and showed her around the house (even though she was asleep) and then thought ok...what on earth do we do now?! 

Taking Ava home was easier, I didn’t feel quite as unwell and I remember going to my neighbours sons 5th birthday party in the back garden with my brand new baby. Someone asked how old she was and I suddenly realised she was 9 hours old...think I was still high as a kite as I went on a bouncy castle and managed to not let my insides fall out. 

Chloe came home to two very excited big sisters, so that again was a different experience.  A busy household where the chance of having any rest was very slim. But I finally felt like my family was complete. Those first days I was shattered, but very happy. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: The continuous worry that everyone is happy, healthy and that you aren’t doing something totally wrong that is going to damage your children forever. 

The fact that I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep for more than two consecutive nights, for over 9 years, yep 9 years. 

The juggling of relationships, when your child comes home and is sad because someone’s been mean... it really hurts. 

Sibling rivalry is awful, the fights, the noise, the handprints up the walls and the washing.

Arrgghhh how can 3 small people make so much mess?! 

Wondering if you and your partner are ever going to go out beyond the local neighbourhood ever again? 

In fact just to talk about something that isn’t child related would be amazing. 

Juggling my job as a remote pa with the demands of a young family. I know they feel like I’m always working sometimes, but I love that after 9 years of being a ‘Mummy’ first and foremost, I have built my own little career again. 

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing the personalities of the little people you created emerging from the tiny bodies and screwed up faces. 

The dependency on you, although scary as hell, is also truly magical. 

Your children’s faces when they do something new or manage something for the first time. 

The unconditional love. 

Seeing the relationships within your family change and grow. 

Your toddler saying ‘Love you Mama’ and really meaning it! 

Best Advice: Bin the books! This came from my Mum. I was so desperate first time round to get into a routine, and failed every time. It took me a while to realise that babies kind of get themselves into a routine when they are ready, but then they also change it just as you start to get used to it! 

Worst Advice: To keep breastfeeding with my first child, I endured 6 months of pain, when really I should have just admitted defeat and given her a bottle. I used to dread every feed and think this contributed to my PND. Yes breastfeeding is fab, cheap, a lovely bonding experience and I had that the next times round but if your nipples feel like they are going to fall off for 6 months, don’t beat yourself up about using a bottle! 

Advice for new/expectant mums: Enjoy every precious moment. It goes so so fast. 3rd time round I feel like if I blink I’m going to miss it. Before I know it they’ll all be at school. 

Go with your instincts, you really are the best person for your baby. 

Try a few different playgroups; meeting other mum’s is a great way of realising you are feeling ‘normal’ but it took me a few goes to find some that weren’t petrifying cliquey. 

Be kind to yourself! You are going to be very tired for a while, so does that washing really need putting away right now?....

Lisa and Eben

Name: Lisa

Child: Eben aged 9

Location: Wakefield, West Yorkshire

Expectations of motherhood: I was petrified when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and I was no longer with the father. It wasn’t so much the practicalities that bothered me - I'd spent the first few years of my working life in nurseries and as a nanny, so I was prepared for the realities of caring for a child. It was the financial implications of raising a child that worried me. 

At the time I was working in a call centre and wasn’t earning a fortune. I knew that having a child and being able to be a parent to that child would mean me reducing my hours. I worked hard throughout my pregnancy to add to what savings I had. I wanted to give us a good start, but I do feel like I missed out on enjoying the pregnancy. Things like appointments with the midwife meant taking time off work and that bothered me, but looking back on it I wish I had savoured that time.

Reality of motherhood: Eben was due on the 27th of the month and surely enough my contractions started that day. They weren’t regular contractions though, and ended up in slow labour for 2 days. I finally made the phone call to my friend and birthing partner around 4am on the 29th to tell her that I was ready to go to the hospital, and following another 18 hours of active labour Eben finally graced us with his presence. I recall looking down at him as he was laid on to my stomach, he turned his tiny head and looked me straight in the eyes with an expression that seemed to say, “What took you so long?!” 
It hit me at that point that my life would never be the same again. 

Taking him home: He slept through the night at the hospital and after making sure he was feeding ok we were allowed home that afternoon. I couldn’t wait to leave the hospital as all the other babies on the ward seemed to do nothing but cry. I just wanted some time alone with my little bundle. 

I was living with my mum at the time and I remember getting to her house, putting down the car seat and just looking at him sleeping, wondering what to do next. We weren’t left wondering for long though, as the crying started shortly afterwards and continued almost non-stop for several weeks. He hated to be left alone and wanted to be held constantly and walked around, which apart from being impractical was also exhausting. At one point I left him to cry in his cot and sat outside the bedroom door. I was in tears just praying that he would settle down, but he cried so hard that he made himself sick. I felt like the worst mother in the world for allowing that to happen. 

If it hadn’t been for my mum I simply wouldn’t have coped. We used to take it in turns to eat, so that the other could pace the floor with him. If she hadn’t been there to cook I probably would have survived on biscuits. 

Eben didn’t like to sleep - he would only do so for an hour or so at a time - and the best way to get him to sleep was to feed him, but frustratingly this was the one time I didn’t want him to go to sleep! I was breastfeeding him and within minutes of him latching on he’d be fast asleep. The silence was much welcomed, but I knew he wasn’t getting enough to eat, so he’d be awake again in no time. I suffered it for a few weeks and then decided to express my milk and bottle feed him, partially so I could see exactly how much milk he was getting and partially so my mum could do some of the feeds. This way I could at least get a shower without worrying that he’d start screaming for a feed as soon as I turned the water on.

We stayed with my mum until he was about 6 months old, by which time I felt we needed our own space – it was hard to be a mother and a daughter under the same roof. The daytime crying eventually stopped but the sleeping problems continued, and most nights I would resort to driving around to get him to sleep - often more than once in the same night! 

By 10 months I had to go back to work and I wept as I left Eben with a childminder for the first time. It was only 16 hours a week, but it was hard to do at first. I’m glad I did it though, even though I was going to work it was ‘my’ time and I actually considered it a break. By the time Eben was 18 months old I’d had enough of the constant waking up in the night - I was only getting on average around 4 hours sleep a night and It was taking it’s toll. I took him to see the doctor several times and was constantly fobbed off being told that he needed a routine and would eventually settle down, but he never did. 

On about our 5th visit to the doctor we got to see a student doctor who actually listened to what I had to say and examined Eben. The student doctor came to the conclusion that he had problems with his adenoids. We were referred to the local ENT hospital where it was confirmed both his adenoids and his tonsils were enlarged, and because of his sleeping pattern they booked us in for an overnight stay to do some sleep studies. Eben was hooked up to a machine that monitored his oxygen saturation levels as he slept. The following morning I was told that Eben suffered from sleep apnea. When he was laid flat and relaxed, because his adenoids and tonsils were so big they would block his airway and stop him breathing. This was why he woke up crying all the time. I was so relieved to finally have an answer, but also worried that my child was in effect suffocating every time I put him down to sleep – no wonder he never wanted to sleep! 

The specialist we were under was not helpful and just wanted to monitor the situation saying that it wasn’t uncommon and that he would ‘grow into’ his adenoids. So we fell into a routine of overnight stays at the hospital every few months for sleep studies. The results never changed and I wasn’t happy as Eben was now at nursery and was constantly getting into trouble through his behaviour (which I put down to tiredness and lack of sleep) – I was constantly grouchy so it stood to reason that he would be too. 

I eventually went back to the doctors and asked for a second opinion. We saw another ENT specialist in York a few weeks later who upon simply hearing Eben breath stated that he needed his adenoids out. They couldn’t do it at York as they had no infant ICU (which they needed in case problems arose due to the apnea). We were then referred to Leeds and within a couple of months Eben was admitted. He had both his tonsils and adenoids removed and grommets also inserted into his ears (he also had problems with his hearing and speech due to the adenoids.) That night in the hospital, at 4 years of age my son finally slept through the night and has done so practically every night since. Hallelujah! 

Best and worst advice: The worst advice I was given (by my health visitor) was to leave Eben to cry so he would get used to being in his cot on his own. I know this method works for some but I still feel guilty about doing it to this day. 

The best advice received was not to be afraid to ask for help. No one wants to feel like they can’t cope, but in reality we all have days like that. Many a time when Eben was in that fun toddler stage where he would tantrum at the slightest thing and could not be pacified, I was often just too tired or short tempered to deal with him. I would strap him in the car, take him to my mums and just leave him there for an hour or so while I cooled off.

Hardest parts of being a mother: I grew up in a family where my mum was the caregiver and my dad was the bread winner and disciplinarian. In our family I have to take on both of those roles. It's taken me a long time to figure out how to maintain both roles though -especially the boundaries when it comes to discipline. When I was kid all it took was one sentence from my mum - “Just wait until your Dad gets home!” - Dad very rarely actually had to do anything when he got home though because just the thought of him coming home and being cross was enough to stop us doing whatever it was we were doing. 
I don’t have the luxury of using that sentence. I can come across as quite a strict parent, but when I say, 'No' to something I mean No and if I threaten a punishment I always follow through with it. I believe it is important for us both to know where the boundaries lay and why they are there. I don’t like being the bad guy, but fortunately I don’t have to play that role very often these days. 

I enjoy being a working mum, and as Eben has got older and moved through school I have moved into better jobs and gradually increased my hours accordingly, and now work full time. Eben goes to breakfast club before school and my mum used to pick him up for me after school, and he would hang out with her for a couple of hours until I finished work. Sadly my passed away suddenly last Summer and so now he also goes to an after school club every night. Add to that the fact that he also goes to a childminder during school holidays. I feel massively guilty that he spends a lot of his free time with other people - we do have holidays away together and lots of days out on weekends - but ideally I would like to be at home with him more.

The best parts of being a mother: The unconditional love that you both give and receive is by far the best thing ever. Eben recently went away for the week with school and when I met him off the coach on his return I was in tears and he was bouncing up and down with excitement to get to me and give me a cuddle. 

The enormous pride you feel in their every achievement be it their first steps or that one line in the school play. 

Seeing their character develop and recognising yourself in them – although that’s not always a good thing!

Watching them grow in to little people with their own minds and opinions and knowing that along the way you have been an influence in that.

Has becoming a mother changed you? Definitely! A close friend recently told me I was the most sensible person she knew – no one would have said that about me 10 years ago!

Hopes for your family: I always wanted a big family but in reality that’s not going to happen. I’m grateful that I have Eben and the fact that he’s an only child means that we are very close and we have a great relationship. I hope that we can maintain that as he grows older.

Advice to new and expectant mums: Take time to smell the roses. Life passes in the blink of an eye and children grow so quickly that you will soon wonder where your baby went. Take photos, lots of photos of everything and cherish every moment – even the bleary eyed ones at 3am. (And if you can’t already then learn to drive just in case you’re still bleary eyed at 4am).

Sally and Frank

Name: Sally 

Child: Frankie (nearly) 6

Location: Preston

Expectations of motherhood: My pregnancy was, lets say, sooner than I had planned, and so with that my expectations were limited, I spent most of my pregnancy worrying and panicking. Retrospectively I was so underprepared and just dealt with things as they came along. Having few expectations was not necessarily a bad way to do it, it was just the way it was at the time (with intermittent ‘oh shit’ moments of course!) And sweet fantasies of what this little person was going to look like, smell like, feel like, sound like, my expectations kind of rolled from day to day.....

Reality of motherhood: Essentially the first few years you seem to be so tied up, involved, and breathe every essence of it. From the tiny routine chores to the massive overwhelming feelings of love and guilt and knackeredness; it's border line insanity. This sounds so terrible, but I think it took me until he was about 5/6 months old to realise that he wasn’t going anywhere. I was so wrapped up in the sleep patterns, teething pains, feeds and nappies... I remember sitting down one day and thinking ‘What's next? Whatever it is, Franks here, an he ain’t going anywhere!’ I just had not had the time to take it all in.

For me, as the years slide along and you can see the time going so fast, that sense of worry eases and you start to get bits of yourself back and it allows you to appreciate the journey at bit more. After spending those first years giving yourself to the baby you slowly remember that you also have to give to yourself and let your child see that, as a positive life lesson.

As Frankie is growing the problems change - the joys, and tears and laughs - but he still takes up the same amount of space in my brain as he did from day one (just in different ways). I guess it will always be that way from now on.

Taking your child home for the first time: Seems blurry. It's weird but i enjoyed the cooked bland hospital food, lack of house work and the safety of the warm night lights in the  hospital ward, and, to be honest, was in no massive rush to get home.

As I believe all new Mums are, I couldn’t take my eyes off Frankie whether he was asleep, awake, feeding, whatever, and became quickly addicted to smelling the top of his soft, dark, damp little head. We drove home, midday, with the new car seat so so so slooooooowwwww because we had the most precious cargo. The house had been cleaned - and although with the greatest of intentions I am sure - it really infuriated me because Frank’s Dad had used bleach. I could smell it, and I remember thinking, ‘How rude and harsh and inconsiderate - my baby cant have products like that used in his environment!’ (jeeseeee) Over reaction, but the hormones seemed ridiculous by day three; home day! 

But as I stepped into the living room i saw it was full of cards and flowers, and the moses basket was set up all ready and perfect and that made me feel proud. Frankie had fallen asleep in the car on the way home, I hadn’t imagined that he would, I had thought it would be hectic and crazy, but for the first hour or so it was just still and quiet. I found that comedown a bit intimidating, the world closed down so small. It didn’t stay quiet for long!

Best/Worst advice: I think all of the advice that comes from friends and family whether you find it useful or useless comes from a good place, and it just lands which ever way you and your baby choose to place it.

My Mum is an experienced, practicing midwife and her advice is essentially 'roll with it'. Obviously if I ask for help she’s there without fail, but I know ultimately her faith lies in nature and the waves between newborn babies and their mother. I feel lucky to be around someone like her, with such faith and commitment, but at the same time I applied pressure on myself to be the same, and I’m not sure I was self-confident enough to go with that mind set all the time. I sometimes enjoyed the simple, rigid advice that my Grandma threw out from somewhere in the late 1950s, which I am sure made my Mum silently cringe... but only for a second.

Hardest Parts of being a mother: Aside from the practicalities of the whole balancing act, controlling feelings of worry about doing the best thing for you baby/child in the long run is easily the hardest part for me. Frankie goes to his Dad’s most weekends and it's difficult coping with the empty house after the noise of the week. But I know its more important that he remains close to his Dad, and remind myself that in many ways I am lucky to have that freedom.

Best Part: Chubby cheeks, first smiles, mashing up bananas, silly words, pointless giggles, the stressed times when one small thing they do takes it all away. Sleepy sleepy cuddles, first sloppy wet kisses, wellington boots, trying not to laugh at tantrums. Realising that they’ve got you exactly where they want you and that quite frankly you don’t mind anymore, play fights, christmas mornings, paddling in the sea, sweets. Deciding that McDonald’s is officially guilt free, having your own favourite kids show, getting new pets. The bringing home of drawings, leaves, conkers and finding weird things in Frank’s pockets (like squidged up orange segments, yum.) Watching them do something kind for some one else, night time chit chats and the sound they make when scoffing their tea in........... millions and millions of tiny things make the best bits of being a Mum. At the moment I love Frank’s conversations - I am surprised at how insightful he is, but the best bit is watching him play with and develop his own sense of humour.

Hopes for your family: I hope Frank will always feel that I am here for him to come to and that we remain always best buds. I really would like to see him grow into a kind, non-judgemental, confident, ambitious and fulfilled soul.

Any advice for expectant mums: Its important to talk, don’t be shy, don’t feel judged (there is no right way to do it), remember that the sky won’t be falling down if you fuck up a few times! And take millions of photographs... they might bore your peers right now, but they’ll only increase in value to you, gold dust.