Lynsey and Martha

Name: Lynsey

Child: Martha, 2.5 yrs

Location: Didsbury, Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I've always known that I've wanted children when the right person came along. I also expected to get pregnant straight away which wasn't the case. After suffering an ectopic pregnancy I thought I'd never become a mother, then Martha came along! I had a lovely childhood, it couldn't have been better; so many great memories. I wanted my child to have the same.

Reality of motherhood: I was lucky enough to not get morning sickness at all, although I did have low iron which made pregnancy difficult at times. 

I didn't have a straight forward birth, however and was in labour for just over 24 hours. I had forceps and had to have a blood transfusion too. I also had to go into theatre after Martha was born to have my placenta removed. I was beyond tired and didn't feel all these wonderful amazing feelings I was told I'd feel. 

Of course I loved Martha instantly; I loved her before I'd even met her! After the birth all I can remember is wanting to sleep and being shocked by the size of her (9lbs 4).

She had the cutest little ears and button nose, but I remember her lying next to me and looking at her and feeling so terrified that this gorgeous little girl was my responsibility. She was no longer in my belly and I felt scared that I'd never be able to protect her as much as I'd like to.

Taking your child home for the first time: Everything seemed such a blur. I was so proud when Paul came to pick us up from the hospital to take us home. Walking out with Martha was the proudest moment ever. I remember she wouldn't settle in her Moses basket so she slept in her car seat. She also slept on my chest a lot, which I know is not "the right thing to do" but it worked for us - and if Martha was happy then so was I!

Best/ worst advice: The best advice I was given was to do what felt right to me and that no one should tell you what to do with your baby. The same goes with pain relief during labour. I didn't have a birth plan, I just did what I felt I had to do when the time came. 

The worst advice for me personally was not to pick your child up every time they cry and not to rock them to sleep. Everyone has different views, but I didn't believe in the "let them cry it out" theory. All babies are different and I don't believe in things being done by the book. It's natural that babies want to feel love and be close to their mothers. I rocked Martha to sleep when she was a tiny baby and we've not had problems with her sleeping because of this. 

There is also a lot of pressure on women to breast feed. Not necessarily from the midwives, but society. I chose not to breast feed - not because I couldn't, I just chose not to.

Hardest part of being a mother: The worry! I've been worrying about Martha since the day I found out I was pregnant. When she was born I was constantly checking she was breathing. I still sometimes find myself doing that now! 

When Martha was 6 weeks old we found out from a scan that she had hip dysplasia and she would have to wear a Pavlik harness for 12 weeks. It was so hard not being able to see her kick her little legs or to see her tiny toes. The harness is used to readjust the hips so that they align in the joint and keep the hip joint secure. 

I really didn't want her to wear the harness and it broke my heart, but we knew it was the best thing for her. Now she is fine, so it was worth it. We were told it was more common in girls who are over 9lbs at birth.

I live away from my parents which is quite hard when having a young child and my partner works long hours, so sometimes when I need that little break for 5 minutes I know its just not going to happen.

Best part of being a mother: Hearing Martha call me mummy and the cuddles! Just spending time with her, seeing her happy and having fun. When I see her playing and wanting to follow other children and copy them it makes my heart melt. It's so cute I could cry. 

Martha is such a little comedian too. She makes us laugh, and the more we laugh the more she laughs! Her favourite food is ginger cake and she only drinks chamomile tea, which is funny.

I'm lucky enough to be a stay at home mum. I had the choice of going back to work or spending my time with my daughter. I know some people want to go back to work and that's their decision, but to stay at home with my little girl was the best thing for me and Martha. I didn't want to miss a thing and wanted taking care of my daughter to be my job.

Has becoming a mum changed you? In a way it has yes. I now have other priorities and have someone to worry about other than myself! I now prefer cosy nights in with my family to going out drinking!

Hopes for your family: As long as Martha is happy and healthy that is all I hope for. I will support her in whatever makes her happy!

Advice to new & expectant mums:Do what works for you! We don't really have a set routine with Martha. She goes to bed and gets up when she wants and she's the most chilled out child ever!

Carla, Bill and Iona

Name: Carla 

Children: Bill aged 2.5 and Iona 11.5 months

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: I thought being a mum would be simpler than it is. My mum had me and my elder brother with a similar age gap to my children and I never remember seeing her struggle or look stressed and she rarely, if ever, lost her temper. She was always lots of fun and seemed to know what to do for best. I wanted to be like that I suppose; carefree and fun but practical too.

Reality of Motherhood: As soon as we decided to have a baby, I was pregnant with Bill straight away. I suppose I was quite shocked by that and there were a catalogue of weird events that happened around the same time, like being burgled, some incredibly snowy weather, our neighbour dying and a new family moving into to what had been a peaceful avenue. For the first time in my life I felt out of control. 

I had had a DVT in my leg in 2007, so this meant I was classed as higher risk and
placed on daily injections and ended up having many more appointments than average. I am not really a good patient and I don't ever take anything stronger than paracetamol, so the whole thing seemed a bit alien and over the top. 

My first pregnancy went smoothly and I continued to work my long days and worked hard up until 2 weeks before Bill was due. Circumstances meant that I returned to work part-time when Bill was 6 months old and my husband and our parents took over care on my working days. 

I was pregnant again by the time Bill was one. It had always been our intention to have a small age gap, but once again I was surprised by the speed of it all. At first I was less nervous than I had been in the early months with Bill, but the stress of my job began to take its toll and by the time I was 5 months pregnant I was suffering. I became very ill with a chest infection and then at about 7 months pregnant with Iona, she turned and cracked my rib. I was already tired being pregnant and looking after a toddler and knew the next few months would be very hard. 

The worst thing about being poorly was not being able to look after Bill in the same way. One of the reasons for having two so quickly was so I would be home with my babies, so that I could enjoy the early years. I wasn't used to being out of action and I just wanted to cry as I felt guilty and terrible for my kids. 

The reality is, that you do lose your temper sometimes, you never feel like you have enough hands or enough time and you will need just to abandon all hope of being clean or tidy for a good few years.

Taking your children home for the first time: Bill was born on his due date in a very
busy St Mary's Hospital. The birth was fairly straight forward, but the aftercare was shockingly poor and I discharged myself and came home. We were in the lift downstairs and Andy (my husband) said, "when are we coming back again?"(in other words, for number two). All I could think was that my stitches were killing me and I wanted a decent brew. 

Even at 8lb 15 Bill looked tiny in the car seat and was all thin and wrinkled. 

When we got home, it suddenly felt very real. We showed Bill around the house as I had read about doing that in a book and it seemed a welcoming thing to do. I was glad to be home. Then I think he mainly cried, and we barely slept all night. The next morning at 9am the midwife appeared and told me off for still being in my pjs!

Luckily, Iona was also born on her due date and she was quick and efficient about it, despite also being just short of 9lb. This time hospital wasn't as crowded or as awful, but I came home the day after as I wanted us to be together as a family. Bill seemed to take it quite well and after feeling really poorly I immediately started to feel a lot better and could finally sleep again (when Iona allowed of course). It was a wonderful feeling to have all four of us sat on the bed together. I felt very lucky.

The best/worst advice: 

Worst: When Iona was losing weight and was looking pretty skinny, I was told by the health visitor not to worry about it as "I wouldn't want her to be big in later life"....
she was 5 months old at the time and had gone from the 91st to the 25th centile! I was furious. 

I was also told that I had done the wrong thing taking my little boy out to socialise all the time and I should have sat him in front of a film and then I wouldn't have to try and take both babies as much. This seemed particularly bonkers as after I had Bill, all the advice
was about getting out of the house with the baby so you don't lose your marbles. 

I have had a lot of poor and conflicting advice from health visitors over the years. I think you are very vulnerable when you are a new mum and a lot of people give you useless advice whilst you are striving to do your best. It can make you start to get very confused.

Best: My GP told me to ignore the health visitors! That was very good advice. But generally I think you have to trust your instincts and do what you think and don't doubt yourself even if you are tired and worn out.






The hardest parts of being a mother: I am not sure what's worst - the worry about not doing the right thing at the right time and the consequences of your actions, or the tiredness which some days can be overwhelming, and not being able to down tools and have a day off.....especially if you have a baby like Iona who flatly refuses to take a bottle.

The best parts of being a mother: Cuddling is a definite highlight, there is no end to small people wanting cuddles in this house. You get a lot back for what you put in. Seeing your babies develop and change is also really exciting and fun, plus seeing Bill and Iona having fun together is brilliant.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: A few years ago, the highlight of my year was going off to the USA for a week to present at international conferences. I loved my job and I always wanted to give it 100%. Now, I just don't feel like that at all. Even when I return to work in a few weeks time, I will be strictly part-time and while I hope to do a good job, I will be glad to be at home where my heart is.



Hopes for your family: We had always wanted three children, but after having Bill I seriously reconsidered and having Iona that definitely finalised my decision. I don't feel like one of those people who is a natural mother and I want to do my best for Bill and Iona. I only have two knees to sit on and they are taken now.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: If you can, get to NCT classes and find yourself some good friends, even before you have your baby. I would not have managed without my friends and I have met other good comrades along the way. Friends with children of a very similar age, who live nearby, cannot be underestimated.

You can share the highlights, low lights, proper advice and later down the line, a few beers as well! They really will get you through the dark days and your babies will have friends for life, which is really lovely.

Liz, Eloise and Imogen

Name: Elizabeth 

Children: Eloise, 2 1/2 and Imogen, 7 months

Location: Didsbury

Expectations of Motherhood: It's difficult now, after the chaos and drama of the past few years, to remember what my expectations were. I remember that I was 33, had met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and wanted a child so much before it was potentially too late.

We were both surprised and ecstatic when I fell pregnant very quickly. However, I was so sick during pregnancy (both times) that I didn't have time to think much about what motherhood might actually be like. I was just focused on getting through it and having a healthy baby. I suppose there was some vague idea in my mind that everything would be ok and we would just 'deal with it'.

Reality of Motherhood: The reality was a complete shocker and those first days with Eloise were a mixture of joy and terror in equal measures! The lack of sleep was just mind-numbing, especially to someone who used to lie in bed until 11am, then maybe wander down to a local cafe for some brunch.

I remember crying on the phone to both the health visitor, and breastfeeding counsellor, sniffing, "I just want someone to help me!" Breastfeeding went terribly for me, and I just couldn't understand why it wasn't working.

With hindsight, I can see that both my babies suffered from that unknown entity, 'colic', in the early weeks. The incessant crying! My poor partner spent many of the early hours swaddling Eloise on the settee in the lounge just so I could get some sleep. But, at the time, we just didn't have a clue what was wrong.

There were many fantastic moments, too, of course. I feel like I have an imprint in my mind, a photographic memory of the exact expression on both girls' faces when they were born. Eloise looked sleepily happy, and I would swear she was smiling, whereas Imogen looked positively dumbfounded! (Well she was born in 17 minutes).

The reality is that there's a new reality. Life changes and you get used to that new way of life. I'd say my life is a lot more rewarding - each day is so structured and military and hectic, but when I'm finally relaxed on the settee in the evening, I feel so much better for it.

Taking your children home for the first time: We were typical first time parents. My partner had to ask a random person for help with the car seat. We drove home at about 3 miles per hour. I then collapsed into a chair and kind of thought "what now?". But we got on with it and found our feet very quickly. We kept calm and, with hindsight, this helped us a lot.

Taking Imogen home for the first time was a little different. We had a two-year old by then and had to stop at a supermarket on the way home to buy her a present from her new little sister! 

The best/worst advice: 

Best advice: To join an NCT ante-natal class. I'm still in touch with most of the mothers from the class even now, and a few of us have become very close. The best thing about this was meeting new people in exactly the same situation. We had a wicked Facebook thread going for months where we messaged each other at all hours comparing breastfeeding/pumping/sleeping notes. It definitely made me feel so much better to share concerns and ideas with the other mums.

Worst advice: Probably from a health visitor, who said "whatever you do, don't give her any formula", when I was struggling with breastfeeding Eloise. She really made me feel that I would be doing the most awful thing to my child if I switched to the bottle. I then struggled for longer than I should have, and unnecessarily. With my second, I was determined not to feel that way, but I still felt the pressure a little. In the end, I breastfed both for 5 weeks, and I'm proud of that achievement.

I have to also make mention of "sleep when your baby sleeps" - advice that seems to be trotted out to all new parents. I mean, really - does anyone do this? Surely these are the times to get the washing on and have a quick brew?!

The hardest parts of being a mother: For me, the hardest part is the constancy of it all. It really is unrelenting day in, day out, especially with two. It's difficult to make a phone call, to read a text message, to even hear yourself think. It's a huge treat to get out for a coffee with a friend, child-free. I was even treated to a spa day, recently, and my friend and I fell asleep for approximately 2 1/2 hours of it!

The tiredness is also challenging, but I've surprised myself at how well I've coped with that. I think my brain has adjusted and I now power-sleep when I can.

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing your child become her own person, with her own little character, facial expressions and views of the world. Also, seeing the potential in them, and being so privileged to be one of the few people who will encourage them to achieve it. My daughters are already very different. Eloise is so chatty, loud, adventurous, and self-assured. Imogen will quietly take everything in and consider it, then suddenly burst into song and smiles.

Has becoming a mother changed you?: Without a doubt. Everything I did used to be about me. I used to be a worrier, but what did I worry about? Me?! I'm perversely less of a worrier now. Maybe there's so much to worry about with being a mother that my brain simply can't cope with it all so has decided not to bother.

I'm more practical and am constantly thinking ahead to the next 'task' to get ahead of myself, just to cope with the day.

Obviously I think about myself much less and about the needs of my family most of the time. Gone are the days of buying a new top every time I went out at night (Thursday, Friday and Saturday usually, during my early twenties!). Now I get excited at the children's clothing section in supermarkets!

Another interesting change is a compulsion to write. I just seem to be experiencing so much as a mother that I want to not only write it down, but share it. For this reason, I started my own blog, and asked to participate in The Mothers project. I'm hoping that my daughters will enjoy reading about their mother's experience of their early years when they're older.

Hopes for your family: I hope that my daughters feel secure in their upbringing, and secure and confident in themselves. I'm worried (despite being less of a worrier!) about the power of bullying, and I hope they can be resilient enough to rise above this inevitable possibility. I want them to believe they can achieve whatever they want, and that they can always turn to us as parents for help.

My biggest hope, however, is that they support each other throughout life. They're so lucky to have each other, and have such a small gap in age, and I really hope they capitalise on this and lean on each other during life's ups and downs.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Listen to your instincts, as you're the one that knows your baby and yourself the best. As a new mum, you're flooded with advice, from family, friends, hospital staff, health visitors, doctors, media...it's overwhelming, but take a step back if you can.

Liz is a Policy and Strategy Officer, working in the Public Health department at Rochdale Metropolitan Borough Council. 

Read her blog about being a mum of two: http://expressionandconfession.wordpress.com/