Bethan and her children

Name: Bethan

Children: K (8), A (6)

Expectations of Motherhood: I have always wanted to be a mother but circumstances have meant that having a birth child of my own is not going to be an option. I don’t think I had ever thought that I would become a mother by myself but having found myself single and in my 40s realised that adoption was going to be the best way for me to achieve my goal. I was never concerned about having a baby and also knew that I wanted to adopt a sibling group. The adoption process takes quite a while and during that time I tried not to think too hard about what my children would be like. Instead I spent the time on preparation courses, speaking to other adopters and reading as much about adoption as I could. I like to think that I had realistic expectations and knew that any children I would eventually adopt would have had a difficult start in life.

Once I knew about K and A I considered them to be mine- however they were strangers to me and they did not even know I existed! I knew that taking on 2 children at once would be challenging, not least because they have differing needs, but I felt that I was prepared for it! For 4 months I only knew them from photographs and reports.

Reality of Motherhood: Motherhood has been exhausting, exciting, exhilarating and a whole lot tougher than I ever imagined! I don’t know about other adopters, but I could not say hand on heart that it was love at first sight. Love has grown and gets stronger every day as we get to know each other. The children have been with me for 13 months now and I would say that now it is beginning to feel more natural.

It has been so much fun getting to know their personalities, their likes and dislikes and building up new memories together. It has also been fantastic introducing them to my family and friends as well as making new friends together. I think we enrich each other’s lives and are all different as a result of having each other. The milestones of being a mother so far have been in terms of officialdom, first review, dates of court hearings, changing names etc. but now that all of that is behind us I feel like I can move forward with just enjoying being a mum.

Taking your children home for the first time: I met K and A for the first time 8 days before they moved in with me permanently. Over that period of time the amount of contact increased each day as the foster carers gradually passed on the caring responsibilities to me. The morning I went to pick them up was an exciting moment for me, but I was also very conscious that it was a sad time for the foster carers and a bewildering time for the children. For the first few weeks the children would not leave my side and I had to learn to do everything at their pace. As a single carer this was exhausting as I had no one to pass the baton to. However, those early days, weeks and months are incredibly important and we managed to get through them pretty much in tact!!


The best/worst advice: The best advice I have been given is to ‘ditch the ironing!’ 

It is too easy to set yourself really high standards and then feel a failure when you do not meet them, so I have also decided to lower my expectations to almost zero so that anything more than that is a bonus! I cannot think of any worst advice, but I suppose it has been easier to relate to people who have been through the adoption process. Some people offer advice with the best of intentions but when they do not fully understand the situation I find it often leaves me feeling like more of a failure!

The hardest parts of being a mother: In the early days it was the sheer exhaustion. I have never known anything like it. Now I would say it is trying to get the balance between being fun mum and strict mum.

The best parts of being a mother: The cuddles!! It has also been watching the children grow in confidence as they become more secure. I am proud of their achievements and love spending time with them. Sometimes strangers tell me how much my daughter looks like me and that gives me a warm glow inside!

Has becoming a mother changed you: Everything has changed for me. After 21 years of working full time I am now a full time mum and I really do not miss work which is a surprise to me. I am now looking at ways of working that fit around my children rather than my children fitting around my work.


Hopes for your family: My main hope is that my children have a life full of love and opportunities. We are fortunate to have amazing friends, and the children enjoy school and have a sense of adventure so are always keen to try new things. I hope that this continues.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: To anybody considering adoption I would say ‘go for it’. It is not an easy option and you need to go into it with your eyes wide open, but the rewards can be amazing!

Sally and Frank

Name: Sally 

Child: Frankie (nearly) 6

Location: Preston

Expectations of motherhood: My pregnancy was, lets say, sooner than I had planned, and so with that my expectations were limited, I spent most of my pregnancy worrying and panicking. Retrospectively I was so underprepared and just dealt with things as they came along. Having few expectations was not necessarily a bad way to do it, it was just the way it was at the time (with intermittent ‘oh shit’ moments of course!) And sweet fantasies of what this little person was going to look like, smell like, feel like, sound like, my expectations kind of rolled from day to day.....

Reality of motherhood: Essentially the first few years you seem to be so tied up, involved, and breathe every essence of it. From the tiny routine chores to the massive overwhelming feelings of love and guilt and knackeredness; it's border line insanity. This sounds so terrible, but I think it took me until he was about 5/6 months old to realise that he wasn’t going anywhere. I was so wrapped up in the sleep patterns, teething pains, feeds and nappies... I remember sitting down one day and thinking ‘What's next? Whatever it is, Franks here, an he ain’t going anywhere!’ I just had not had the time to take it all in.

For me, as the years slide along and you can see the time going so fast, that sense of worry eases and you start to get bits of yourself back and it allows you to appreciate the journey at bit more. After spending those first years giving yourself to the baby you slowly remember that you also have to give to yourself and let your child see that, as a positive life lesson.

As Frankie is growing the problems change - the joys, and tears and laughs - but he still takes up the same amount of space in my brain as he did from day one (just in different ways). I guess it will always be that way from now on.

Taking your child home for the first time: Seems blurry. It's weird but i enjoyed the cooked bland hospital food, lack of house work and the safety of the warm night lights in the  hospital ward, and, to be honest, was in no massive rush to get home.

As I believe all new Mums are, I couldn’t take my eyes off Frankie whether he was asleep, awake, feeding, whatever, and became quickly addicted to smelling the top of his soft, dark, damp little head. We drove home, midday, with the new car seat so so so slooooooowwwww because we had the most precious cargo. The house had been cleaned - and although with the greatest of intentions I am sure - it really infuriated me because Frank’s Dad had used bleach. I could smell it, and I remember thinking, ‘How rude and harsh and inconsiderate - my baby cant have products like that used in his environment!’ (jeeseeee) Over reaction, but the hormones seemed ridiculous by day three; home day! 

But as I stepped into the living room i saw it was full of cards and flowers, and the moses basket was set up all ready and perfect and that made me feel proud. Frankie had fallen asleep in the car on the way home, I hadn’t imagined that he would, I had thought it would be hectic and crazy, but for the first hour or so it was just still and quiet. I found that comedown a bit intimidating, the world closed down so small. It didn’t stay quiet for long!

Best/Worst advice: I think all of the advice that comes from friends and family whether you find it useful or useless comes from a good place, and it just lands which ever way you and your baby choose to place it.

My Mum is an experienced, practicing midwife and her advice is essentially 'roll with it'. Obviously if I ask for help she’s there without fail, but I know ultimately her faith lies in nature and the waves between newborn babies and their mother. I feel lucky to be around someone like her, with such faith and commitment, but at the same time I applied pressure on myself to be the same, and I’m not sure I was self-confident enough to go with that mind set all the time. I sometimes enjoyed the simple, rigid advice that my Grandma threw out from somewhere in the late 1950s, which I am sure made my Mum silently cringe... but only for a second.

Hardest Parts of being a mother: Aside from the practicalities of the whole balancing act, controlling feelings of worry about doing the best thing for you baby/child in the long run is easily the hardest part for me. Frankie goes to his Dad’s most weekends and it's difficult coping with the empty house after the noise of the week. But I know its more important that he remains close to his Dad, and remind myself that in many ways I am lucky to have that freedom.

Best Part: Chubby cheeks, first smiles, mashing up bananas, silly words, pointless giggles, the stressed times when one small thing they do takes it all away. Sleepy sleepy cuddles, first sloppy wet kisses, wellington boots, trying not to laugh at tantrums. Realising that they’ve got you exactly where they want you and that quite frankly you don’t mind anymore, play fights, christmas mornings, paddling in the sea, sweets. Deciding that McDonald’s is officially guilt free, having your own favourite kids show, getting new pets. The bringing home of drawings, leaves, conkers and finding weird things in Frank’s pockets (like squidged up orange segments, yum.) Watching them do something kind for some one else, night time chit chats and the sound they make when scoffing their tea in........... millions and millions of tiny things make the best bits of being a Mum. At the moment I love Frank’s conversations - I am surprised at how insightful he is, but the best bit is watching him play with and develop his own sense of humour.

Hopes for your family: I hope Frank will always feel that I am here for him to come to and that we remain always best buds. I really would like to see him grow into a kind, non-judgemental, confident, ambitious and fulfilled soul.

Any advice for expectant mums: Its important to talk, don’t be shy, don’t feel judged (there is no right way to do it), remember that the sky won’t be falling down if you fuck up a few times! And take millions of photographs... they might bore your peers right now, but they’ll only increase in value to you, gold dust.