Jody and Alfred (1 year on)

Name: Jody 

Child: Alfred, 2

Location: Stockport, Greater Manchester

Last blog: 1 year ago, click for Jody's Previous blog entry

Life has changed massively since I was on the blog. I'm now a single mother, working full time and seeing my son 3/4 times a week (rather than every day). This is a double edged sword that comes complete with a massive bucket of guilt.

On one hand, the fact that I have to 'share him' and grab snippets of him through the week (either side of work) makes me feel terrible, like I'm not doing my job properly as a mum. I'm aware that I'm missing things like new words and jokes and 'first times'. I've relied massively on my own parents and friends for emotional support over the past 12 months and it's highlighted how incredibly lucky I am to be surrounded by such a strong support network. 

Alfred has adapted to his new set-up like a duck to water - I'm really grateful that he's such a chilled out little guy - although thinking about it, I grew up in exactly the same set-up and It never deeply bothered me either. The change in circumstances has given me a new and deeper understanding of what an amazing woman my own mother is. Her circumstances were harder than mine, and I take my hat off to any woman who has to go through the breakdown of their family without being surrounded by a support network. I'm so fortunate to have some wonderful people in my life. 

The other hand - the time that Alfie spends with his father - I initially filled up with distractions so I didn't sit, staring at the wall, thinking, "how on earth has this all happened?!" 

I filled it with things that I'd forgotten I loved (as I'd begun to define myself as a wife and mother); music, art, friends, sport, reading, going out. It's been a real journey of discovery, and for the first time in a very long time I feel like - and I'm comfortable with - me. I'm trying and loving new things that I would have never have done otherwise. It's a new lust for life which I intend to keep this time round. 

Motherhood has been intense but amazing. I love being the mother of a toddler. Alfred just makes me laugh all the time, and I think we bring out the best in each other. We are quite similar - both wind up merchants - and have loads of fun when we are together. It's great that we can have full conversations now too - although he's become a master of selective hearing. 

With him being so chilled out, I'm still not very good on what to do if he throws a tantrum in public, as it's so rare. He had one right in the middle of the Natural History Museum not so long ago and I just held his reigns while he rolled around on the floor. I could feel my face burning with embarrassment, so pretended to look at the stuffed birds, then just proceeded to kind of slide him across the floor to the next exhibit. 

The logistics are also more complicated with him living between my house, his dad's and his grandparent in the day. Plus it's emotionally quite stressful with the extra guilt incurred as we've shifted from being a 'classic' family to the kind of family we are now. But, truth be told, I've really taken to being a single mum. It's just about recognising, and making the most of the positive aspects of being a single parent.

I've definitely changed since the last blog entry, massively so. However, I think it's becoming a single mother (rather than motherhood in general) that has been the catalyst for that change. Surprisingly it's made me a lot more chilled out than before and open to new things. I worry less, I have fun more and It's given me fresh eyes to see the sort of attitude I want Alfred to grow up with. 

At the moment, the hardest part is maintaining a positive relationship with Alfred's Dad (which we seem to be doing OK at) and dealing with the guilt of not seeing him all the time - although I've noticed the hardest parts change from one month to the next! If you'd asked me 2 days ago the answer would have simply been, "getting out of the door on time without him taking his shoes off, rolling around on the landing and refusing to come down stairs 2 minutes before I needed to leave for work." 

I've also found hanging out with other families very hard. Kids parties especially. Then I feel guilty again, because I really don't want to be there pretending to be all happy and jolly - in fact I just want to crawl under the table and eat all the party rings and not feel so exposed as the one who hasn't brought their partner.

The best part of being a mum is being told, "I love you mummy" - no feeling compares to when I hear these words (apart from when he says the same thing to a snail on the way out of the house and I realise he's not fully grasped the meaning)... but it's still the best music to my ears. 

I don't wish I'd known this was how motherhood would turn out. I'm glad I didn't know what I was in for, because otherwise I may not have done it and I'm eternally glad that I did.

Any more advice?: Keep your child alive for consecutive 24 hour periods until they are 18. At which point, if you have done a good job, by then they should be able to do it themselves. Do it the best way for you and don't care what anyone else thinks so long as your house is filled with happiness, laughter and respect. Oh, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wiping your own child's nose with it's sock if it's the only thing to hand.

Jody earns pocket money by making cake stands, bird feeders and jewellery trees out of vintage china. www.etsy.com/shop/jodyapple

Jane, Joshua and Isobel

Name: Jane
Children: Joshua 14, Isobel 4
Location: Preston 

Expectations of Motherhood: When I was about 3 I used to sit in the bath and listen to my mum playing the guitar whilst she sat on the toilet. My mum was a guitar teacher and still is at the age of 79. She would use bath time to practise pieces, but to me it was my own little concert. She used to play 'green sleeves' and always finished with 'puff the magic dragon' or 'there was an old woman who swallowed a fly'. I was the youngest of six, so time with my mum was precious. If I look back on old photos of me as a child I probably only ever feature in photos with my eldest sister, apart from one where my eldest brother is holding me and my eldest sister is scowling at him. I always felt I was brought up by 7 parents, but knew that I was loved and had a remarkably happy childhood. 


At 19 I became an Au pair and moved to Tenerife to live with a French family (much to the dismay of my closest niece and nephew - one who lived at home, and the other who lived down the road). I took to being an Au pair like a duck to water, so much so, after looking after Eloise in France for 2 months whilst her mum was away, I had to distance myself when we got back to Tenerife as Eloise showed little affection for her mother. 


At 23 whilst living in Paris (in the 3rd year of my degree) I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't worried about being a mum, I thought I knew everything about children as I'd grown up around them. I burst into tears in Asda to the sound of 'green sleeves' thinking, 'If only I can do as good a job as my mum!' 


When I fell pregnant with Josh I lived in Golborne with Joshua's dad and had also taken on the responsibility of his 11 year old son, Tim. I thought I would find motherhood easy - I had so much love in my heart and a wealth of experience at such a young age that motherhood would be natural and a shared experience. I've been an auntie from the age of 11 and always babysat for family and family friends. To me being a mum involved caring, talking, sharing, loving but also reining-in your children. I remember being threatened with the slipper a few times by my mum (and remember her breaking her finger on the staircase whilst swiping for my brother when he came home drunk at 14). 

Reality of Motherhood: I have seen motherhood from 3 different angles. 
Firstly as a step mother; letting Tim into my life has been massively fulfilling. He is a wonderful, strong, caring human being and my life is enriched with his presence. He is a fantastic big brother and has helped enormously over the years, and now I am blessed with the affection of his children. I have always had a huge respect for his mother and often listened to her advice.


Joshua came into this world looking scarily like my older brother he was big and strong from the word go! I had Joshua in the final year of my degree; I did my last assessment on the 18th Dec, gave birth on the 21st and was back at university 3 weeks later - incidentally I did my next assessment presentation with kid poo all down the inside of my finger without realising, and often leaked on Thursdays as the lectures were too long between feeds. 
Finishing my degree whilst being a new mum was tough, typing assignments whilst breast feeding was not the easiest thing I've ever done but once my degree was out of the way the first few years with josh were relatively easy - I knew everything about babies and little children except for a few weird rashes and the terrible 2's, I thought i had it covered. 


I left Joshua' s Dad Sept 1st 1999, moved back to Preston and became a full-time, working single-parent. Thankfully I had a strong network and my parents helped enormously, but when you have to parent on your own you question the decisions you make and always feel like the bad guy. I could have spent more time with Josh but I needed to work to build a life for us. For six years I brought Joshua up on my own, he's a wonderfully affectionate young man and has a massive flare for sport, so I spent an enormous amount of spare time playing football, badminton, tennis and cricket with him as a child. I've always been a bit of a tomboy so this was easy and Josh just excelled starting with Man Utd and Blackburn academies - any sport he turned his hand to he mastered quickly. 


I met Isobel's dad when josh was 6 and we married after a year. Josh and Andy hit it off straight away and he took over the sporty part, playing football and cricket with him all the time - so much so I felt a bit pushed out at times. Motherhood took a turn as I didn't have to be Mum and Dad anymore - although I did become his cricket coach just to keep my hand in! 


When josh turned 10 Andy and I had Isobel, she was such a little character with amazing dimples and birth was so easy in comparison to the enormous Josh who had taken 2 days. Isobel was out in 10 mins! I felt so lucky to have a gorgeous boy and a beautiful little girl and for 2 months everything seemed so perfect. Then one day on the way to take Joshua to school he had a strange episode. Luckily I was with my sister who happens to be a GP and she diagnosed it straight away as a form of epilepsy (or possibly a brain tumour!). 


Andy and I cried a lot that night trying to get our heads around this but I felt a strength inside that I needed to be strong for everyone. Thanks to my sister he was seen by the Neurologist quickly and had a couple of MRI scans, and so the brain tumour was ruled out. But he kept on screaming, running around in circles and laughing uncontrollably (at one point 19 times a day). I had slightly longer off work with Isobel and so didn't have to cope with teaching, having a new baby and Joshua's illness all at once. We went to the specialist and I told her my sister's diagnosis but she refused to believe it was frontal lobe seizures, and although he had more MRI' s and EEG's he was not put on medication and so was having more and more episodes. 

Luckily Joshua has a very strong, confident personality and because of this he has been able to cope with this happening (sometimes in front of 200 people) in football matches and on the cricket pitch. It hasn't stopped him although I can't say it hasn't held him back. Joshua changed from the boy I knew - he became a total fidget, couldn't understand facial expressions and it was almost like he'd been swapped for another child at times. We had to learn how to deal with situations in a different way. 

For me I felt like I had to fight to get the diagnosis, luckily when school turned around and said they would not let him play sport any longer the specialist took note and he was taken into hospital for 3 days of EEG's, and together with the data I had collected they finally decided it was 'frontal lobe seizures!!!' Josh started on the medication just as he began high school and in November 2008 his seizures stopped, he came back and we had our son again. We had 2 years seizure free and although he has gone back to having seizures (his size has doubled) and we strive to find the right combination of meds to allow him to live as normal a life as possible. I have to be very organised with his meds and have to remind him constantly to take them. His food intake has to be monitored like a hawk too as his meds increase his appetite (as well as him being 14 and nearly 6ft tall, and being a very talented sportsman). 


Motherhood with Isobel has been a different experience again in that this time I have been able to share it with someone else from the beginning - share the decision making, share the responsibility, share the momentous moments and the frustrating ones. Unfortunately although I had more time off with Isobel at the beginning - and as a teacher I do get the holidays - my career has meant having to work long hours and coping with huge stresses. I envy mothers who stay at home with their children, or who pick them up from school/preschool, or the ones who always make sure their children have the most amazing outfits on dressing up days. It's not like that in our house! Being a bit of a Tom boy and having a really girlie girl is a bit of a shock - I don't get the obsession with pink or the obsessive desire to wear dresses (no matter what the weather), but having a girlie girl has made me a bit more of an every-occasion mum as opposed to just a sporty-mum!

I did have a skewhiff idea that having children 10 years apart would mean that they got along really well and that Josh would look after his little sister, but they fight like cat and dog - no such luck!

Taking your children home for the first time: 2 totally different experiences; taking Joshua home was one of the lowest points in my life, not because of Josh - he was a beautiful! 
I had been in hospital for 2 days after Josh was born. Joshua's dad had had an argument with the Paediatrician before we left the hospital, we got in the car and then he refused to put the seat belt on Josh, so we drove home unsafe from Billinge to Golborne. When we got home I took my beautiful little man upstairs - I often looked at Josh amazed that I'd had such a gorgeous, perfect boy and I wondered if someone would come to the door and tell me there had been a mistake, and that i had to give him back! How did i deserve such an amazing little man? 


As I climbed precariously into bed with my 8 stitches, exhausted but so proud of this gorgeous, chunky baby. Joshua's dad came storming into the room, "Your mum and dad are arriving in half an hour and you need to decorate the tree!" 
I don't know where the energy came from but I managed the Christmas tree, entertaining my parents and cooking most of the Christmas dinner. Needless to say I didn't manage staying with Joshua's dad. 


Isobel was a totally different experience. I had Isobel 2 days after a great friend of mine had given birth to her twins in the same ward and we spent the night after Isobel was born sat up laughing till about 2am. Isobel had been really wriggly every night before she was born and now she was in a cot next to me. I missed the wriggle and I remember completely forgetting about nappies - it was only when a nurse reminded me that I remembered! I was just so busy staring at her or holding her to think about the practicalities. Andy came to pick me up in the morning and he held our little bundle of joy, Joshua came to see us before school and everything was as it should be; a happy experience. 


Isobel and I had a pleasant journey home and I fell asleep whenever and wherever I needed to, the washing wasn't done but hey I live in reality, not cloud cuckoo land! I still stare at my children amazed that they're mine - at least nobody has come to the door yet!

The best/worst advice: Be a parent. It's hard sometimes to stick to your guns - kids are the best at manipulating (they learn it from a very early age) - but you have to be strong and have clear boundaries. Work together because they will play you off against each other if they find any weaknesses. Don't befriend your children, they need parents! Befriend them when they're adults and they'll respect you more (and you will have less behavioural problems when they hit their teenage years).

Discuss issues with your children and explain your decisions. If they have a greater understanding of why something is wrong, they are less likely to do it again. 

Always eat with your kids. Family time is really important to share your daily experiences. 


I have friends who insist that their children have to stick to a routine and this rules their lives, I had children to spent time with them, I enjoy their company. They have routines sometimes, but they don't rule our lives.

Make sure that you instill a sense of optimism in your kids. Be honest with them. Set them achievable, challenging targets that inspire them to learn. Keep learning fun. Optimistic children are more more successful in life.

Talk to them all the time - don't feel like a fool talking about flowers and clouds with a baby they're learning vocabulary that will improve their learning and development.

If you feel like you're going to lose your rag with your kids walk away, calm down and go back when you can sit down and talk about what happened. Teach them about empathy you will teach them to be more emotionally intelligent.




The hardest parts of being a mother: TIME! Not being there all the time. Working full time means that I miss out on different things - cricket and football matches for Josh and different events at pre-school for Isobel, as well as swimming lessons and sports day etc. Sometimes I come home from work after a long tough day and feel like I'm starting all over again having a teenager at home. 

The best parts of being a mother: Sharing their lives. My children give me a great sense of joy. I stand watching Josh at a cricket match - a 14 year old boy standing side by side on the men's team - hitting a fantastic shot or taking a brilliant wicket or kicking an amazing goal at football and the joy it brings him is amazing. For Isobel when she learns something new. Like when she's concentrating on something in the back of the car and then all of a sudden she'll have a eureka moment - that's such a fantastic payback. 


Watching my children grow and being a part of it, knowing that I have had a hand in them becoming wonderful people - that's the best part. That's what I had children for, that's why I became a teacher, that's why I love being an auntie; great auntie; step-grandma. 
It's all about being a positive influence and reaping the rewards. 
it's not money that makes us wealthy.

Hopes for your family: I hope that Josh can get to a point that the Epilepsy is controlled and he can continue to develop his skills in sport and do well in everything he turns his hand to. I hope that Isobel continues to love learning and exploring and continues to be a happy, joyful girlie girl! 


Most of all for them to have happiness and success. Some people think success is about the big house, the big car, the fancy job. To me success is being in a happy relationship, being optimistic, having a happy life and doing something that is fulfilling to them. I hope they bring up their children with the values and morals that I have tried to get them to share.


What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Go to aqua natal - it really made a difference second time around and try baby massage - I'm still reaping the benefits of that 4 years on. Potty train after they start to notice what they are doing. Make sure you make time for yourself. Exercise will keep you sane.

Peggy and Joseph

Name: Peggy 

Child: Joseph 1 yr old

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I had wanted to be a mum since I was pretty much a child myself - but I'm not sure I'd spent that long actually imagining the reality of day to day life as a mum and the impact it would have on our lives once we were parents!

Reality of Motherhood: Much better (and worse in certain moments!) than I could have imagined. And now I can't imagine not being a mum. People had warned me that there are moments when you wish you had your old life back and when I was pregnant there seemed to be a fashion for articles in magazines and newspapers breaking the taboo and telling the world how much happier life was before kids. So I had an idea that there may be moments when I would long for life pre-baby. But in fact, even if objectively I can see that life was freer and easier before Joseph was around - the pleasure that it brings seeing him grow and develop and make us laugh makes it all worthwhile. Life is definitely more difficult, but its also much more rewarding. And it hasn't happened over night, but Joe is one now and it just feels completely normal that he should be with me all day, every day. I still love my moments of escape from family life, but I love getting back to it even more.

Taking your child home for the first time: I cried my eyes out when the midwife discharged me. I was so exhausted and couldn't imagine how we could possibly be expected to look after this baby without their assistance. I remember bundling Joseph up, terrified that he would be cold (despite the fact it was June). I don't really remember the first moments in the house, it feels like a sleepy blur. But I do remember how much nicer it was being home and doing the night feeds in my own bed. It was also reassuring that the midwives visited so often in the beginning. Then gradually I realised that it was getting to be a pain having to make sure I was in for their visits and I realised we were all going to manage this baby malarkey without daily midwife assistance!

The best/worst advice: 

Best: 

1. It will all get easier after the first 3 months, just do your best to get through the early weeks. 

2. Freeze lots of meals before the baby comes - that was a godsend. 

3. Let sleeping babies lie!
Worst: 

1. 'Cherish every moment'/'don't wish time on, they grow up so fast' - So far I have cherished the good bits, but was quite happy for the incessant crying and waking 5 times in a night to speed on by - on the whole I was pretty bloody pleased when the first 8 weeks had passed!

The hardest parts of being a mother: 

1.The relentlessness - you can't decide just to take a day off or even an hour off in the early days. However, that has all changed now, Joseph is more and more of a pleasure and easier and easier and I can take a day to myself now with little problem. 

2. The constant self questioning - am I doing this right? If he naps for too long now, will he be awake all night? If he watches telly will he grow up to be obese and stupid? If he doesn't eat his tea, will he be awake all night hungry? Am I doing this right?? But again this gets easier and easier and I have learnt to trust my instincts much more and refer to books (and my sister for 30 minute telephone tutorials in sleep training) much less.

The best parts of being a mother:

The fun and excitement that he brings to day to day life. The early mornings are hard, but when he's smiling and laughing as soon as the day begins, its pretty difficult to remain grumpy. Its also lovely to have become a family and to have such a brilliant shared project(!) with Tom. I feel like having a baby has put the rest of life in perspective and I don't fret about the details. I love being back at work and am much happier with life now that I have the balance of working and mumming, but I also find that work matters less and stresses me less, because it pales a bit in significance compared to the importance Joe has in my life.

Hopes for your family: I hope we all stay well and happy and stick together through it all!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: In the early days, congratulate yourself at the end of each and every day - if you've all survived the day that's a pretty big achievement in itself! Get yourself out and about as soon as you can, even if it feels like a big challenge, it gets so much easier once you meet other people and escape the comfort and safety of the sofa. Don't worry too much about whether you're doing it right or not (they're reasonably hard to break) and don't worry too much about getting into bad habits (letting the baby sleep on you all the time, always feeding them to sleep etc etc) any habit can be broken with a bit of work (and a few tears all round).

Lynda and Joe

Name: Lynda Kendall 

Child: Joe, 9 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I’m not sure I had many expectations of motherhood as such. I knew it was supposed to be hard being a mum and that I would always worry about my child. I knew it would be tiring and I knew I wanted for the baby to be born so I could sleep on my tummy again and stop itching. I hadn’t really given much thought to anything past the birth. All the antenatal course talks about is pain relief and breathing, so thats all I thought about. In blissful ignorance I booked tickets for a load of events in early July thinking by the time the baby was about 4 weeks, I would be sorted. Needless to say I attended none of these events.

Reality of Motherhood: I never understood the idea of relaxing before the birth, its not like you can ‘bank’ sleep and then use it as a voucher system when you need some more, but I didn’t realise how much labour – and indeed my 3-day-from-start-to-finish labour extravaganza – would sap any reserves you might have stored. I feel like I started on a back foot having such a long labour, and so the initial hormone-laiden, sleep-deficient, emotional first few weeks hit me like a sledgehammer.

I remember wandering round town in the blazing sunshine, pushing the pram and crying under my sunglasses with sheer exhaustion. It seems silly to think now, that 9 months ago, I would dread my husband leaving for work and leaving me with Joe, and that the first few weeks I literally took one day at a time, getting through it till he came home to help. Its not that I didn’t love Joe, its just that I didn’t know him. The routine of feed, sleep, nappy change was so relentless, through my bleary, dry eyes it looked like my life had come to a full stop. Three weeks on (having met up with my mum friends) and I was breastfeeding in the middle of the pub without a care in the world. As the months have passed and Joe has grown into his own little person, my love for him has grown to the point where I can’t bear the thought of him going to nursery and not hanging out with him everyday, So in reality, motherhood has been twice as hard and a million times more rewarding than I ever imagined and I absolutely love it.

Taking your child home for the first time: I couldn’t wait to get out of hospital, mainly because I couldn’t stand another prepacked strawberry trifle, but also because I wanted to have my family all together at home. I’d been kept in the hospital for an extra couple of days as I was having trouble breastfeeding, but I was terrified once I got home that Joe was going to starve. I wouldn’t go home till I had a back up plan, so I made Matt take a detour to Mothercare on the way home to pick up some emergency formula. I ran in, grabbed some formula, bought an entertaining bear babygrow and hat with ears set and legged it back to the car, where Matt was sat staring at our brand new baby in the rear view mirror. He drove home like he was carrying a car full of loose eggs. He said It was the most stressful drive of his life and I believe him. When we got home, we put the car seat in front of the settee, sat down and said ‘what happens now?’.

The best/worst advice:
The best emotional advice I got was just after Joe was born and was along the lines of, ‘Yes it can be pretty awful at first but it gets loads easier’. It kept me going through a tough few weeks. It wasn’t advice, but a couple of friends just bought round my lunch and held Joe whilst I ate it. Amazing.

The worst advice I had was to make loads of stuff for the freezer. Not having a microwave meant that we would have to wait 30 minutes for the food to cook in the oven anyway (and thats if we remembered to take it out of the freezer) – by then anything could have happened – most likely he’d woken up and was feeding again. So for a few weeks nearly all food was eaten cold, whether it started off that way or not. 

The hardest parts of being a mother: Here’s the top 3 off the top of my (weary) head: 

Lack of sleep: At best renders you incapable of mental arithmetic, at worst turns you into some kind of Mumzilla. I don’t think I’ve ever needed coffee in the morning so much in my life. And there’s no catching up with sleep, once its gone, its gone forever because they don’t lie in just because you need one! 

Breastfeeding: I breastfed for 8 months and had periods of really struggling with it. I found it very rewarding watching Joe stack on the weight solely from what I had provided him with, and soul-destroying when he was hungry again after an hour. I had a love/hate relationship with it, it was convenient, cheap and I felt it was best for him. It was also at times painful, tiring and I was tied to him as he wouldn’t take a bottle. I opted to carry on despite having issues which leads me onto...

Always feeling guilty: Should I move him to formula? Is he having fun? Have I stayed out the house too long having a coffee with friends? Do I read him enough stories? Do I take him to enough activities? Do I take him to too many activities? Did he get that cold from that half-hour he didn’t have socks on? Will he think I’ve abandoned him when he goes to nursery? And so on, forever.

The best parts of being a mother: Unlike most things where you get out equal to what you put in, motherhood rewards you in buckets for every dirty nappy you change.

I’ve learned loads of stuff. I know when he’s doing an attention cough. I know when crying because he’s tired as opposed to hungry. I know he’s not hungry, but wants milk because he’s tired. I know loads of stuff about him. I’m an expert on him. I could win Mastermind if he was my chosen subject. No one has taught be this stuff, I’ve not read it, or had it implanted in a chip in my head. I’ve learnt it from my baby boy. He’s taught me.

It makes me feel more proud than I have of anything else in my life, and every time he does something clever, cute or new, I can physically feel myself swelling with pride. I don’t think there is a day when he doesn’t literally fill my heart with joy.

Hopes for your family: That Joe will always feel safe, loved and happy and has the foundations to make sensible decisions is his life. That he has good manners and treats people well. That he grows up to be the kind of boy you would bring home to your mother. That he listens to all advice, but only follows the good. And that he will still visit his folks when he leaves home.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: My best advice would be to not put any pressure on yourself to be a Supermum in the first few weeks. Don’t expect to be being clean and showered, or that you will get any housework done, or that you’ll do much more than feeding, changing nappies and rocking to sleep. If you're lucky your baby will sleep somewhere other than you, but somedays I wouldn’t put Joe down until bedtime. Once you have accepted that you are dirty, exhausted and the house is a tip – enjoy it! As hard as it is, and it is hard, remember that in a few months, you’ll have to chase them round the house for a cuddle. They weren’t joking when they said ‘they grow up so fast’.

On a practical level invest in a sling, so you can carry them around whilst you do things like make a sandwich, get loads of dvds to work your way through whilst you are trapped on the settee and as soon as is humanly possible meet up with your new mum network. You can guarantee they will all be unwashed, knackered and escaping a messy house too…

Oh, and don’t buy a top and tail bowl.

Natalie, Abe and Patti

Name: Natalie 

Children: Abe, 3 and Patti, 1 

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: First time round I expected to be exhausted, in pain, a bit scared, uncertain and at the same time overjoyed, deeply in love, and with a knowledge that my life would never be the same again. 

Second time around I expected to be tired for the next year of my life but that I'd somehow feel complete. I knew it would be hard to look after a 2 year old and a new born at the same time, when one wants to sleep, the other wants to be stimulated - but I felt ready for the challenge. 

I couldn't imagine how I could love a child as much as I loved my first child. In my working life I work with women who are homeless, single mums, and i knew it wouldn't be as hard for me as it is for them because I have a lot of support and a loving family.

Reality of Motherhood: Wow! Sometimes I think I'm still in some form of culture shock! When Abe was born we were instantly in love, he breastfed with ease, he would gaze at me and I at him and nothing mattered apart from my gorgeous boy. Then after a week, months, years of lack of sleep (Abe prefers to be awake) and as a mother constantly being needed physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, reality struck. I don't think you can prepare for that. Its exhausting in so many ways, but its also the most magnificent experience, its cliched but that's because its true. I have never felt so many contrasting emotions in my life. I can go from wanting to jump off a bridge one minute to wanting to do a rendition of 'The Hills are Alive' in the space of 5 minutes. This may be something to do with PND but maybe its just that children bring so much into your life and take so much from your 'pre-children' life that its a shock to the system. It certainly was and still is to me, adjusting to the new identity as 'mother' is huge in my experience and I think I'll be adjusting for a long time to come. 

I am deeply in love with both my children and they never cease to amuse and entertain me and the way they love me back is out of this world. I am very lucky to have a partner who is extremely supportive and caring, and is an amazing dad, I don't want to sound smug, but I am lucky to have him, he is exceptionally ace. I take my hat off to women who cope on their own, I just think being a parent is such a hard job and going it alone must feel impossible at times. I will definitely be better and more empathic with the women I support when I return to work.

Taking the children home for the fist time: It was painful really, I had a forceps delivery with my first and walking was agonising, as was sitting in a car and going over bumps. I was worried; worried I hadn't wrapped him up warm enough, worried about strapping in the car seat correctly, worried about what I was going to do with a baby when I got home - would he be eating enough, sleeping enough, warm enough, etc, basically worrying in general. I talk to my mum about this, she says the worry never stops. It is however, reduced slightly with a bit of pinot grigio. 

Taking Patti home was lovely, we got a nice cab driver who showed us pictures of his children, the sun was shining and my gorgeous boy was waiting for our arrival.

The best/worst advice: I have an amazing role model friend, Kate Random Love, and she had her first child before me and had bestowed on me all kinds of wisdom, I think the main thing I took from her was to trust my own maternal instincts, and to go easy on myself. I would call Kate and we could talk for hours about breast feeding, the highs, the lows, the roller coaster of emotions. 

I don't tend to give advice outside of work. I can only say what I've experienced and babies are all so different. I enjoyed reading what Dr Sears had to say, they made it ok to co-sleep when other people seemed so uncomfortable when they heard that was what we were doing. I don't remember being given any bad advice.

The hardest parts of being a mother: All of it, I find it really hard. I love it, but at times I feel so tired, frustrated, alone, guilty (anything from having the tele on too much, not giving my children enough vegetables, not reading enough to them, not letting them get enough fresh air - its ridiculous I know.) 

I think the responsibility is awesome and I'm doing my best, I have days where I think 'yeah, I can do this, I'm a good mother' and days when I could run away (I have these fantasies about booking myself into the Hilton, no one will know I'm there, I will have a swim *in a pool, not in 'lake me', order room service, watch a film and sleep, uninterrupted all night!). 

I know it will get easier, or at least the challenges will change, Patti is nearly 1 and Abe is nearly 3.

The best parts of being a mother: The look of love in their eyes when they look at me, and their dad. The love I feel and the love they give to me in return, the incredible journey we're on together. 

The laughs they give me, watching them both eat spaghetti bolognese is pretty special. I love it when they cuddle each other, or when Abe tells Patti he loves her. 8pm is really good, when they're both tucked up in bed and I have the candles on and a glass of wine and I sit with James and we talk about how ace our kids are.

Hopes for your family: I hope my children always feel loved and supported by me and their father. I hope they find love as they grow up and that they respect people for all their differences. I hope they have the confidence to follow their dreams and achieve their goals, I hope they live and love and enjoy life. I hope they're healthy and happy. 

I REALLY hope they will sit on the couch with their mother and watch musicals when they're a bit older.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I'd say paddle your own canoe, trust your instincts, don't presume everyone else is a natural or better at being a parent than you are because even the zen parents are probably having inner meltdowns. Its the hardest job in the world so forgive yourself for any negative thoughts you have and any guilt you feel because if you can love and care for your children, you've pretty much cracked it. Oh, and if you need help, ask for it. If you don't have a supportive family there are lots of places to get support through your GP or SureStart centres.

Liz and Imogen

Name: Liz
Child: Imogen
Location: Manchester


Expectations of motherhood: 
Oddly I'm not sure I ever had expectations of motherhood per se. 


















Somehow Imogen was here before I'd ever even thought about motherhood. I'd thought a lot about 'having a baby' but to me the two are slightly different things. All my thoughts about having a baby were focused around the practical implications and how we'd cope. I didn't ever really give much thought to what it would mean to be a mother. It's been lovely to realise that I absolutely adore it.

The reality of motherhood: Good grief it's hard isn't it!? 

There is something about being the absolute centre of this tiny person's universe that is both wonderful and terrifying at the same time. I'd always - rather naively - thought that the bond children have with their parents is a result of the amount of involvement those parents have. I think I was totally unprepared for the completely natural, inevitable, unbreakable bond that Imogen has had with me from the very start. It's incredible but such an enormous responsibility.
Taking your child home for the first time: Absolute bliss. I was really lucky to have a very straightforward birth and we got to take her home the same day. I was so thrilled to be going home, so thrilled to not be in labour anymore and just mystified that she was finally here. I can remember so clearly being in the back of the car with her and having to shield her eyes from the street lights. Truth be told it makes me go a bit gooey thinking about it.

The best/worst advice: I must confess that I'm awful at listening to advice. I got advice fatigue while I was pregnant - when the world and his wife seem to fall over themselves to give you unsolicited advice. I was pretty adamant right from the start that I was happy to try things out but would not blindly follow any method, routine etc. I wanted to figure out what was right for us a family and sod everything else.

Imogen was a pretty easy baby (despite what seemed to be a firmly held belief that sleep was for wimps) so I didn't really feel like we needed a lot of advice (although I always thought there was something fundamentally sensible about the baby whisperer books). 

We did, and still do, go with what feels right. So for instance, I didn't breast feed exclusively for 6 months, I've never let her 'cry it out', she's never slept in our bed and we did baby led weaning. I don't think any of things are 'right' for everyone but they worked for us. 



Hardest parts of being a mother: The unrelenting nature of it all. Having to do it all day and all night, every day and every night is far far more exhausting than I could ever have anticipated. 

The best parts of being a mother: The sense that you're building something new and fantastic. You've gone from a couple to a family and I just find that magical (cheesy but deliberate choice of word).

Hopes the future: We're hoping to add to our family in the coming years and that's a scary but exciting prospect. I'm so thrilled with our little family of 3 that up-ending all of that feels a bit nerve-wracking. We're confident it will be worth it though. This is just the beginning. 

Advice for expectant mums:
Trust your instincts. All of the guidance you'll get is just that, guidance. 
Oh and try and enjoy it, they'll be grown and slamming doors before we know it!

Carolyn and Charlie

Name: Carolyn 

Child: Charlie, 8 months
Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I didn't really know what to expect from motherhood as it's not something you can imagine. I was so absorbed in feeling ill and hormonal when I was pregnant it was hard to remember there was a baby in there at times. I was actually really surprised when they plopped the baby on my stomach after giving birth because I just couldn’t get my head round the fact he was really in there.

I'd wanted a baby for a long time but we waited until it was the right time for us in terms of work/ money etc. I didn't think too much abut my expectations, I just knew I'd always wanted a family.

Reality of Motherhood: The shock of it all hit me quite hard. After one night in labour, another night actually having Charlie and then another night in hospital with babies screaming all night, I was exhausted from the beginning. I also lost a lot of blood and was really anaemic and dizzy. Charlie and I also found breastfeeding really difficult, which I had not prepared for at all.

I felt a bit jealous that my husband bonded with Charlie instantly, because I didn’t enjoy much of the first few weeks because it was so difficult to get him breastfeeding. I’m really proud of their relationship now though, although I’m still a teeny bit jealous of how much he loves his daddy!

My mum came over to help the day after we got home from hospital and didn't leave for a week!

I struggled on with the breastfeeding for three months but once I'd got Charlie bottle feeding and my husband could help out at night times, it was a massive relief.

Now Charlie is eight months old he's just an adorably happy bundle of cuteness and motherhood is amazing. Before I had a baby, I knew that you'd love your baby unconditionally - but I didn't prepare for the 'cute factor'. That you could just think something was just the most adorable thing and every single thing they do is ridiculously cute. 

Taking your child home for the first time: In true disorganised fashion, we hadn't practised using the car seat, so were completely baffled at how to loosen the straps enough to get Charlie in there. Luckily the chap with the women opposite me in hospital had practised thoroughly and offered to help us. I must add that Halfords had taught us how to strap the seat into the car properly though! 

We didn't have much time to dwell on the enormity of the situation when we arrived home as both our families descended on us and then my best friends arrived so we had a lovely day. 

The best/worst advice: I repeatedly badgered my friends with kids on how they dealt with things, which was possibly a bit annoying for them but very useful for me. I also read books incessantly, which really helped. I liked to read books on every style of parenting and then make up my own mind.

We ended up doing the Gina Ford routine, which I really liked because it meant if anyone else looked after Charlie they didn’t need to figure out when to feed him or when he needed to sleep. I don’t really understand the criticism of the routine really – if it doesn’t suit you or your baby then just don’t do it!

Completely ignore advice that you don’t feel is right. As the mum, you always know best.

I suppose the best advice is something that everyone says, which is enjoy and remember every moment because the first year goes (or is going!) so fast.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Obviously the lack of sleep at the beginning is the hardest thing ever and the relentless feeding, burping and changing cycle is just never-ending. But now I don't feel there's anything which is hard - apart from letting the grandparents have him because I miss him too much!

The best parts of being a mother: Just having a little buddy with you all the time is great fun. Charlie really makes you work hard for a laugh, so when he does giggle you really feel special. I also love seeing him change and develop every week.

Hopes for your family: That he continues to be a happy and bubbly little person and enjoys life.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Just go with the flow and the hardest part won't last that long. Try to enjoy them when they're tiny because in a few months it will be hard to imagine anything that tiny again!

Don’t stress too much about breastfeeding, whether they’re sleeping enough, or anything else. Every baby is so different and we can only do our best.

If you don’t want visitors, just tell people that. We banned visitors for a couple of weeks because we were just so exhausted, the thought of making someone a cup of tea AND then washing it up was too much.

Carolyn Hughes is a freelance PR and copywriter in Manchester. She also writes the blog Manchester Is Ace and has just launched Little Dudes, a blog about things to do with babies, toddles and kids in Manchester.