Lucy and Lara

Name: Lucy

Child: Lara, 4 months

Location: Shaw

Expectations of Motherhood: Having children had always been a “Yeah one day” kind of thing, then magically that 'one day' arrived in early spring 2010. I just woke on a random Wednesday and felt ready and luckily fell pregnant fairly quickly. I expected what I think everyone expects of having a baby to be tired and highly strung and not really manage to change out of pyjamas on most days. But most of all I was excited and really looking forward to meeting my baby and bonding with her, I'd read the books, listened to all the advice and felt ready to welcome her into the world. 


Reality of Motherhood: I really do love motherhood and I'm more relaxed than I ever thought I would be, Lara always comes first but I don't stress about things like I thought I would. I do have a routine that she sticks to and it works for us, so that is the only thing I ensure stays intact. But the grandmas have had her for a couple of hours – along with a huge list of instructions – I'm fine about friends and family holding her and even the enthusiasm of my 4 year old nephew doesn't get me worked up. I am confident that if Lara was unhappy she would let me know and if I'm unhappy in a situation I change that situation.

Taking your child home for the first time: After 3 nights in hospital, which I actually quite enjoyed – meals brought to me and a helpful midwife on hand – I was ready to return home. We wrapped our new bundle up, popped her in the car seat ready to venture out of the hospital and she just wouldn't stop crying. We spent about an hour in the hospital room nursing her and trying to get her quiet. Eventually she fell off to sleep and we were off. We arrived home in the afternoon. I don't really remember the specifics of that first day at home - we had a couple of visitors and Lara just cried and cried, so out came the dummy, but she wasn't really interested in that either. I fed her and she went off to sleep early evening, only to wake up just as we were going to bed. My wonderful husband said he would take care of her, as I had been on night duty every night in hospital and I really needed some sleep. He nursed her until 4am when she fell into a deep enough sleep enough to pop her into her crib and he could get a few hours shut eye. The next few day were a blur, but we got into a routine within a few days and here we are 4 months on.

The best/worst advice: The best piece of advice for me was to buy the Gina Ford book. I know it's not for everyone, but it has been a real guide for me and I love it! I can't think of the worst piece of advice, I probably just blocked it out!

The hardest parts of being a mother: The hardest part of being a mother for me is stopping myself doing things for Lara when she is learning to do it for herself. For example, the first time she rolled over she was having a right old struggle, make noises like she was bench pressing at the gym. I really wanted to just give her a little nudge, but I stopped myself and she did it all by herself and has been rolling over no problems since. I think this is something that will be with me all my life, it's a learning curve for me to let her find her own way in life.

The best parts of being a mother: The best part of being a mother is when Lara looks up at me when she wakes up in the morning, does a big yawn and then give me a huge grin and a giggle. It makes everything worth while.

Hopes for your family: We are just about to move into our first new house so it's exciting to be moving as a family and just taking our family life day by day all learning and growing together and expanding our family – in the future as Lara is only four months old!!!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Nothing can really prepare you for having a baby, but the best thing for me was having a read about what to expect once the baby arrives. A bit of advice and guidance in print really helped me, my mates had all had babies, but they seemed to have forgotten everything about having a new born – which I now have, so just having a book to hand really helped me.



I always thought I wanted a baby, sometime in the future, it was always a one day kind of thing, then I woke up one morning and thought – Oooh, the future has arrived. But I never realised how much I would love being a mum, before I had Lara I would coo at babies, but never pick them up, even my nephew, as I just never knew what to do with them. But since the first hours of having Lara everything seemed to click into place – obviously not the sleep deprivation and breast feeding, but it just felt instinctive, what to do when she cried and over the four months we have come to know each other better and better and I now understand - most of the time - what she wants and needs. It's fabulous.

Alex and Diolan

Name: Alex 

Child: Diolan, 22 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I thought I had realistic expectations of motherhood, I had hands on experience of looking after siblings and nieces. I knew it would be challenging and there would be sleepless nights, but I had always wanted to be a mum and couldn't wait for my baby to be born.


Reality of Motherhood: I thought I knew the realities of motherhood but I didn't have a clue, I really don't think anyone could prepare you though. The second night in hospital was an eye opener; Diolan was born at 2am and that first night didn't cry and mostly slept. The second night he fed on and off all though the night. I went over to the midwives and told them what was happening (half expecting them to say this was wrong and to sort the issue out) and the midwife, who had obviously heard ridiculous questions like this before with other first time mums, said, "Yes love, that's what babies do." There began my steep learning curve.  

The first two weeks were great, my partner was off and we were exhausted but laughed a lot and spent loads of time in bed with Diolan (it was winter). The next 10 weeks were a mix of laughter, tiredness, some tears and gradual growing confidence in beginning to understand my son. My family don't live near me so the Surestart was a complete lifesaver, I met other first time mums like me and we shared our experiences and became a support for each other. It was great to hear other mums were experiencing the same things as me. 

Just after Diolan was 3 months he stopped gaining weight and developed a terrible skin condition, the next 7 weeks were the most challenging of my life, he was failing to thrive, feeding constantly and waking every hour through the night. At 6 months he was only 12lb, my confidence was totally shaken, I felt helpless. It was an interesting time though because I really felt the problem was allergy, my first experience of mothers instinct. I was breast feeding and went dairy free to see if it helped - it didn't. All the medical professionals I saw said it wouldn't be the breast feeding and to keep going. I finally got an appointment with a pediatrician and he gave us some hypo-allergenic formula to try. Diolan's symptoms cleared up almost over night, it was an allergy. Since then I have had more confidence in my instincts. I think the reality is that you are ultimately responsible for this new life, when you are looking after siblings or nieces etc. you don't carry this responsibility. 

Taking your child home for the first time: I had to stay in over night so I was keen to get home, it took ages to get discharged. We didn't really have a clue how to put the car seat in, but once we were off I thought it would be a good idea to nip into Mothercare on the way home to get tiny baby babygrows. I remember the shop assistant asked me when I was due, she looked a bit shocked when I said I had given birth the day before - I wasn't looking my best. When we got home we just held Diolan for ages, we were both in awe of him.

The best/worst advice: Trust your instincts!!! The worst advice for me was let them cry - you can only do what you feel comfortable with. Because of Diolan's allergies his sleep patterns were all over the place, he was waking up a lot in the night and many people said to let him cry it out. I couldn't do it. It did take a lot longer to get him to sleep through but I'm glad we did it our way and stuck it out.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The lack of sleep; I ended up fainting for the first time in my life at a Gala dinner when Diolan was about 10 months. When I went back to work I continued to do all the night time shifts and all the other day to day care because my partner works long hours. I didn't ask anyone for help and ended up exhausted. Going back to work was hard, not only the guilt at leaving my baby but also the lack of confidence I felt going back to work so exhausted. Finding time for your relationship too can be tricky and appreciating each others different journey as parents.

The best parts of being a mother: Even though we had some tough times, I have love being a mum, I love watching my son grow and develop his own character. I love his laughter and his dancing, I also love watching my son with his dad and our families - he is doted on by my four sisters, he is the only boy on our side of the family and is totally ruined.

Hopes for your family: To continue to laugh and have fun, I hope for Diolan to continue to be a happy confident boy with space to develop and grow. 

Any advice you'd offer to new and expectant mums: I really don't think that you can prepare people for the reality of motherhood, I think it is amazing and hard work in equal measures. Take all offers of supports - don't try to do it on your own. Be open and honest about your experiences and you will often find that most other mums feel like you. Use the Surestarts, I have made some great new friends that I met at the Surestart. Try to enjoy every moment because it goes so fast, this helped me get through the tough times, I tried to enjoy every stage because they grow and change so quickly. 

Becky and Eleanora

Name: Becky

Child: Eleanora

Expectations of motherhood: My expections of motherhood were not quite as straight forward as I’d hoped as I had a very difficult pregnancy and was in and out of hospital throughout. To cut a long story short, me and Eleanora are both extremely lucky to both be here.  

It meant a very difficult start; having 2 weeks on the neo-natal unit and being told what I could and couldn’t do with my daughter. This was very hard and any first instincts got pushed to one side. However, my expectations of being able to enjoy my child and be at home with her to watch her grow into a beautiful little girl have reached beyond belief. I never realised how much I would learn from her and how quickly she would learn from me. Watching her grow, from feeding herself to dressing herself and how pleased she is with herself to have achieved something - makes me the proudest mum.

Reality of being a mother It hit me when I realised that this little person needed me and was completely dependant on me. As Eleanora has grown she has continued to amaze me and I am always surprised by how independent she wants to be. As hard as it is I realise that I have to step back and let her do things for herself, and that she is becoming a very bright, confident little girl who I can be very proud of!

Taking you child home for the first time: When we took Ellie home for the first time I found it very strange as I’d had two weeks of being told what I could and couldn’t do with my own baby and all instincts had been pushed to the back of my mind by that time. I felt as if I had to relearn all my instincts again! But I found I enjoyed every moment of being on my own with her at long last and I could finally start to get know my baby.

The best/worst advice: When I came home I felt I had to check everything by ringing my mum or my mum in law - my mum said to me, "You have instincts, use them. You know your own baby better than anyone!" and, "enjoy every moment because I really don’t know where the time has gone." I try to enjoy every moment as it really is precious.

The hardest parts of being a mum: Probably the lack of sleep. I went back to work when Eleanora was 15 months old, and to spend as much time with her as possible I worked in the evenings. The shifts were quite late which meant I didn’t get home till gone 11.30pm some nights, and having to carry on on with a routine as normal or having been up all night with teething or illness, I often felt a walking zombie (but I wouldn’t have changed anything as it meant I could still be an almost full time mum).

The best parts of being a mum: I really wouldn’t really know where to start! I love watching Eleanora grow into a beautiful, confident little girl. Children are like sponges, they soak up so much information so quickly and I’m finding I’m not really having to teach as such, she just watches and learns so much from everyday life. I love it when when we have our own time, simple things like we’ll have a bath or take the dog for a walk and just talk about anything and everything.

Eleanora loves anything about the outdoors - she is so active. I love watching her taking in the environment around us if we’re in the fields or in the woods. She always manages to spot flowers or mushrooms. Everything is an adventure and I find I get to relive my second childhood and learn new things I may have missed out on the first time round!

Hope for your family: I hope Eleanora continues to live and love life as she has done and I hope she will be happy in all she does. I hope to have another child so that she can grow up enjoying the company and have a closeness a sibling may bring - but for the time being she enjoys having a pet dog and has learnt to share and play with him as she would have having a sibling. The only thing she did point out is that he won’t count when playing hide and seek! 

Any advice for new or expectant mums: The only advice I can give is that a child doesn’t ask to be born, you choose to have a baby so enjoy every moment as it is truly precious. Time really does go far too quick and you will never get those years back. Also as much as people say there are text books you can read, its rubbish. Do what you're comfortable doing and remember you don’t have to listen to those who think they know it all.

Amy and Ella

Name: Amy


Child: Ella, 11 months


Location: Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I have, for as long as I can remember, wanted to be a mum. Falling pregnant with Ella was a surprise. Ian and I had been together 9 years and often spoke of starting a family, but we were planning on it being a few years further down the line. Ella had other ideas! We are the first of our friends to have a baby so I didn’t have anyone close to me I could talk to about pregnancy, labour or looking after a baby.

I think my expectations were pretty realistic. I was aware of the sleep deprivation, dirty nappies and complete lifestyle changes we were going to have to make as well as the many baby related items we would need to invest in (much to Ian’s surprise!). We decided not to find out the sex until the birth. One of my biggest expectations, looking back, was to have a happy, healthy baby.

Reality of motherhood: My introduction to motherhood was a little difficult. Ella was born 3 weeks early on Friday November 26th 2010 at 6.15pm after a relatively short and very straightforward labour. It never crossed either of our minds that anything was, or could be wrong. She struggled to breastfeed after her birth, and I was given help overnight to cup feed her by a student midwife. Looking back, during that night I must have seen every member of staff that was on duty. They came in by ‘accident’, to fetch equipment or because I had pressed the call bell. Despite their differing reasons for being in the room, they all came and looked at Ella. This didn’t strike me as odd at the time, but with hindsight, I now understand why.

The next day, we received the news that Ella was displaying several features of a baby with Down’s Syndrome. Shock and devastation set in and a million and one questions immediately started racing through our heads. This wasn’t at all what we had expected. Instead of taking our beautiful girl home, we had to re-adjust our hopes and dreams and face up to a future of uncertainty.

A heart scan showed she also had a hole in her heart, which up to 50% of babies with Down’s Syndrome have. We were told this was manageable with medication but that she would need surgery to close the hole when she was 4-6 months old.

Taking your children home for the first time: Ella spent the first two weeks of her life in hospital as we tried to establish feeding. I found it a really difficult time being a nurse, who had - more importantly - just become a mummy to a poorly baby. The clinical environment was familiar and comforting (although to other parents I can appreciate it's a very daunting and frightening experience).

Whilst we were in hospital, the nurses did a lot of Ella's cares and Ian was cup feeding her while I expressed milk for her next feed. I felt bereft and detached - neither a mum nor nurse. I didn't know what was expected of me and, at times, I didn't even feel like Ella was mine. Thankfully, this all changed once we were home and I was able to properly become a mum. By this time she was being bottle fed so I was now able to be involved at feeding times too.

We took her home one cold, early December evening and I remember having palpitations the entire car journey home. At the time we were living in a 2 bed apartment in town and I had fashioned the second bedroom into a nursery in anticipation of her arrival. It was the first room we took her into and I sat on the chair holding her for ages whilst she slept, not sure what I was supposed to do next. We soon got to know her different cries, the way she liked to be held and what would soothe and comfort her.

Looking back, it was a very strange time. We were determined from the start that Down’s Syndrome will never define Ella or what she is able to do. Keeping life as normal as possible in those first few weeks at home was important to us. Having friends visit, displaying ‘new baby’ cards and showing off our baby was what we did, even if we were still dealing with shock and grieving for the baby we imagined we would have.

However, looking back the shock of it all really didn’t last for long. We fell in love with Ella straight away. After all she was still a baby. Our baby. And she needed everything that any other baby needs. Feeding, comforting, nappy changes and love. Lots of love. There are so many worse conditions or problems she could have been born with, I felt grateful we had some idea of what we were up against from the start. Other parents aren’t so lucky.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I have received comes from my own mum, who as well as raising three of her own children is also a Health Visitor by profession. I have never read, nor do I own a single baby book – ‘you can read the books’ says my mum ‘but the baby won’t have!’. I think Ella has managed to re-write all the rule books anyway and we have survived so far without them.

And, through experience I have learnt that even if things don’t go to plan, your baby will always be perfect to you. This may not have been the path we would have chosen if we’d had a choice, but I wouldn’t change the last year for anything. I can’t imagine for one second my life without Ella and for whatever reason she came to be mine, I will be forever grateful. She has taught us so much in such a short time. We have learnt a lot about ourselves as individuals and as a couple and we are a much stronger unit since she arrived. It has also made us realise and appreciate what wonderful friends and family we have. 
Trust your instincts and do what you feel is the right thing to do for your baby. I weaned Ella at 17 weeks, which some of the health professionals involved in Ella’s care didn’t agree with. She was NG fed from 7 weeks old, lost her sucking ability and developed a heightened gag reflex. I knew she needed the oral stimulation in order to develop her oral motor skills needed for feeding and also speech. At 11 months she has a peg tube (which we are hoping will be out before too long), but is eating well and drinks all her fluids from a cup. She has just started to get interested in feeding herself and enjoys a variety of tastes and textures.

The hardest parts of being a mother: I would say, for me the hardest part has been decision making and the responsibility of the consequences of those decisions. Ella lost 15% of her birth weight and we struggled to establish feeding. She was unable to breastfeed and we took the decision to start bottle feeding formula and expressed milk, which she initially took well to and we were allowed to take her home when she was 13 days old. At home, feeding times became increasingly stressful and erratic as she began to take less and less, most probably due to the hole in her heart which was tiring her. Her weight remained static for 4 weeks despite being on high calorie formula. We ended up having her admitted to hospital at 7 weeks old to have a nasogastric tube inserted to feed her with. Within 3 days she was already putting on weight and this has continued ever since.

On May 12th 2011 at Alder Hey Hospital, Ella underwent open heart surgery to repair her VSD (Ventricular Septal Defect - hole between the wall of the ventricles). Her op had been cancelled twice before, so it was third time lucky. I don't think I can explain how I felt, it's not something that is easily put into words. For the most part, survival mode kicks in and I pretty much ran on autopilot for the week she was in hospital. Even being a nurse and working in a clincial environment doesn’t prepare you for seeing your own child, so small and vulnerable, ventilated and hooked up to noisy machines. I remember wanting to run away but knowing I could never do that to her. I could manage about ten minutes at a time sitting and watching her. I knew she needed time to get better, but waiting was the hardest thing to do. I just wanted to scoop her up and cuddle her but I couldn't even do that. She was on ITU for two days (instead of just one) after a minor hitch that set her back 24hrs. Considering she had major surgery, she came through it very well.

After 2 days on ITU she was transferred to the ward and was discharged on day 6 post surgery. She has a 3-4 inch scar down her chest and a residual tricuspid valve leak which is being monitored. She has more energy now and has most definitely recovered much quicker than her mummy and daddy!

Following Ella’s diagnosis, I felt sure that life was never going to be the same again. This has proven to be true, but not for the reasons I worried about then. Most of the time, the worries I have and problems I have to solve are those shared by mums the world over and have more to do with motherhood than Down's Syndrome.

The best parts of being a mother: This is a hard question for me to answer. It’s only in the last few weeks that I have really begun to enjoy being a mum (typically, just before I went back to work). I have always loved Ella and loved being with her, we just didn’t get the easiest of beginnings. I feel I am only now beginning to pick myself up and dust myself off.

I do love taking her new places and showing her new things. And that first smile of the day – sends my heart fluttering every time. I feel a sense of pride when I am with her and like a part of me is missing when we are apart.

One of the rewarding things about having a baby with additional needs is that you are more aware of their achievements than you would be with a ’normal’ baby (whatever that is!). The smaller milestones that may be overlooked in other children are noticed, nurtured and valued, sometimes more so than the bigger ones.

When I look back to the sleepy, floppy baby I brought home from hospital, I can hardly believe she has come so far in just 11 months. For Ella life has, until recently been more about overcoming challenges than reaching milestones. I feel very lucky that we have met some lovely people - both professionals and other families – that we would never have met if Ella didn’t have Down’s Syndrome.

There will be hard times ahead.... there are already many hard times behind us. But I already know that the good times will always outweigh the hard times. She has taught me so much in such a short time and seeing life from a new perspective is a privilege that not many of us get the chance to experience.

Hope’s for your family: I hope.....

... Ella stays happy and healthy

... we can always be the parents that Ella deserves

... one day there will be less negativity surrounding Down’s Syndrome

... in time, I will feel ready to have another baby. I know that Ella will make the best big sister!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Babies are very resilient, there is no such thing as a routine and the first few weeks are the worst. Things will get easier! Accept offers of help, but make sure it’s on your terms and enjoy every second of your baby because time really does fly by.

Babies don’t come with an instruction manual, but you’re not supposed to know everything straight away either. If you want help, advice or answers then ask a friend, midwife or health visitor – it won’t be anything they haven’t been asked before.

Nobody likes to talk about it, but sometimes things do go wrong, life doesn’t turn out the way you had imagined and it’s hard. But as time goes on, the bad days do get fewer and further apart and through it all, life goes on.


Amy has a blog at: http://adifferentview-amy.blogspot.com

Elisabeth and Evie

Name: Elisabeth

Child: Evie, 4.5 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I was not particularly maternal for most of my life, but things have a funny way of changing over time. I am one of those mid 30s late bloomers I guess! I initially approached motherhood as a task, probably because I’m an office manager by trade. There’s lots to do to get ready, and I threw myself into decorating the nursery, sorting out mountains of baby things and making sure I was stocked up with everything in advance. I also watched a whole series of One Born Every Minute to help prepare me psychologically for labour. It may sound silly, but as someone who had to turn over the channel when an ad for the show came on, being able to sit through footage of women in labour was quite an achievement.

I wasn’t really able to prepare for the reality of the birth and caring for a tiny baby though, beyond hoping for a healthy child and a “let’s see what happens” philosophy. I’m not sure it’s possible to do much more when it’s your first.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was pretty ill during and after my difficult labour, so I was kept in for two days for observation. I am a very private person by nature, so the noise of the ward really got to me. Although it was definitely special spending a lot of time alone with Evie, I was quite literally crawling the walls by the end. After I was discharged, we ended up having to wait a further 2 hours for some prescriptions. The midwife found me sitting impatiently on my bed with all my bags packed up!

I remember carrying Evie in her car seat across the foyer at St Mary’s, and being a bit freaked out by all the pregnant women waiting for their antenatal appointments. It was pouring rain outside but luckily a friend gave us a lift home. She stayed for a brew and after she left, the reality sank in and I thought: “What now?” I have a photo from that day of Rob typing one handed on his laptop, doing some work with our tiny Evie swaddled up in his arms. I was most likely conked out on the sofa in a daze!

Reality of Motherhood: Wonderful, but a bit like being hit by a truck a lot of the time. You often hear people say nothing could have prepared them for the reality of looking after a helpless, sweet but demanding newborn, and it’s true. The thing I struggled with the most initially was not being able to do simple things like wash up dishes or have a shower. I found it hugely frustrating, and craved some physical separation. But you do learn to adjust, and learn to do a lot of things one handed or with baby in a sling. In fact I am sat typing this with a wriggling, complaining Evie on my lap! But it is definitely important to try and get some childfree time for you each week, even an hour or two. It can make all the difference.

The best/worst advice: Not advice as such, but more of a mantra. When I would say I was struggling, friends kept telling me “It will get easier.” And it turned out to be true, although it didn’t help much at the time. One day (hopefully!) you will realise that your baby is taking longer between feeds in the day, or is sleeping a bit longer between nightfeeds. Or, in my case, she will eventually be content watching an episode of Waybuloo in her bouncer - which incidentally, is just long enough to whip up her baby porridge and, crucially, a strong cup of coffee for me. It’s a gradual process though; there are no quick fixes or overnight results.
I've had a few bits of unappreciated advice, but nothing I couldn't ignore. My only really negative experiences were with some of the midwives I came across. Many of them were fabulous, but there were some who really shouldn't be working in the field, in my opinion.

The hardest parts of being a mother: It’s been said a million times, but the sheer exhaustion is really hard work, especially the broken nights. As I’m the one on maternity leave, I took on a lot of the care to allow my partner to work. Sleep deprivation is like a deep fuzz that gradually clouds over your brain. You function, but you are not yourself. Adrenalin does keep you going for a while, but I read somewhere that the lack of sleep really gets to you after 4 months, and I have to agree. My mini workouts and healthy eating went back out the window and I had little motivation to get out for coffee meets or social events like I did when Evie was younger. The thing that brought it to a head was flying with Evie alone longhaul for my sister’s wedding - I was a broken woman. Babies and jet lag are not a good combination! Thankfully my partner and I are now able to share the nights and the difference it has made is HUGE! I’m starting to feel more myself, I’m much less irritable and I’m exercising again. 

On a more personal level, I want to train up to a professional level in photography and it’s been really, really hard to find the time and energy to do much, although I have managed a couple of work experience days. Trying to concentrate on a manual or online tutorials with a lively baby is impossible, and I’m often too shattered to do it in the evenings. I think an outside course is going to be the only way to progress at the moment. 

The best parts of being a mother: The surges of unconditional love. That first smile and giggle. Seeing her eyes light up when I come to get her in her cot at some ungodly hour. Feeling much more grown up and a real sense of purpose - it’s a big responsibility, but it has helped me to focus on what’s important. Getting compliments when we’re out walking as a family with Evie in the pram, and feeling oh-so proud.

Hopes for your family: We would love to move out of Manchester to a nice small town or village that would be a good place to raise a family. Ideally to a detached, spacious cottage on a lovely piece of land with no neighbours apart from some chickens. Need to win the lottery first though...

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Be really, really kind to yourself after the birth. It is a huge event, both emotionally and physically, and looking back now I can really see how the hormones made me feel pretty loopy - especially the postpartum surge that starts a few days after the birth.

Try and rest when your baby rests, although I know this is easier said than done.

Accept all offers of help that feel right to you (cooked meals, cleaning, an hour to let you take a bath) but equally stand strong on what feels right for you in terms of visits and needing space in those early weeks.

And finally, big yourself up every now and then. Sometimes I would stop and think: “Wow, we’ve looked after Evie for X number of weeks now - we must be doing something right!”

Sue and MaryJane

Name: Sue

Child: MaryJane, 2

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I was really excited by it and loved being pregnant. I knew it would change my life and everyone tells you it will. But you just cannot put into words how it changes you. You just don't get it until you've done it. Despite reading a variety of books nothing fully prepared me. 

Reality of Motherhood: Having to carve out time for yourself and your partner is one of the hardest things. You have to make it a priority otherwise it just doesn't happen! You have to remember who you both were before you were parents - that person you fell in love with is still there! My husband and I decided before becoming pregnant that we didnt want to have a child, just to put her in nursery. And we are in the fortunate postion that we can afford for me to stay at home, its quite and old fashioned way of life but I wouldnt swap it for the world.

Taking your child home for the first time: Well that was in a two seater sports car (which had a small seat in the back)! Anxious, excited and exhausted as she'd breastfed most of the night in the hospital. I remember just going to bed straight away and then feeding her whilst my fantastic husband fed me a chippy tea! Hurrah!

The best/worst advice: Stick to your guns about what you think is right for you and your child. For us it was a routine - a mixture of the Baby Whisperer and Gina Ford; she thrived on it and I knew what I was supposed to be doing and when (which helps when your structured and organized life is turned upside down!)

The hardest parts of being a mother: Being on call 24/7. And breastfeeding is difficult, I managed six months but my body didn't feel like mine until about ten months after the birth.

The best parts of being a mother: 

The hugs and the kisses, the unconditional love, seeing her do something/hearing her say something for the first time- usually followed by "I did it!" and the happy and proud look on her face. I love the enhanced "team" feeling that being parents has brought between my husband and I and the whole loved-up thing of being a family. And the fact that MaryJane is the first Grandchild in the family. My parents are fantastic with her, she loves going to their house for sleepovers. Its a really special relationship between them.

Hopes for your family: I've now reached the point where I feel ready for another child and I know how much it would benefit MaryJane to have a brother or sister. I hope we can be as happy as we are now, always.  


What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Buy a Belly Bandit!! http://www.bellybandit.co.uk/ they really work!! Rub olive oil on your expanding body parts daily, hips, thighs, bum and obviously stomach! 
And see your friends a lot, go to the cinema and out for dinner with your partner as often as you can, as you probably wont have the energy to watch a film all in one sitting for a while! 

And apart from all that, the golden mantra- rest, rest, rest!
As for antenatal classes- I really didn't like them! I went to the ones the hospital provided and ended up getting really upset at the "one size fits all" approach - we only went to one in the end. And dont try to do everything yourself - people want to help so let them, especially your husband or partner. Don't forget they are a new parent as well.Finally, don't cling to your birth-plan like it is some sort of holy scripture, it's just an ideal. My experience was nothing like my birth-plan!! At one point I had the midwife in a headlock, not part of my dream scenario obviously!

Sue's blog is www.oldfashionedsusie.com and she also has a new (and under development) website: www.vintagemanchester.com

Vivienne and Ed

 Name: Vivienne

Child: Ed, 9 months

Location: Cheshire

Expectations of motherhood: I had heard so much about how having a child changes your life.....the lack of sleep, the lack of social life.....and so I was expecting all of these things but I don t think I really understood just how much having a baby changes things until Ed was here. I was so excited to meet the baby that had been growing in my tummy all this time and I absolutely loved being pregnant, but actually I don't think I knew what to expect - all I knew was that I was excited.

Reality of motherhood: Motherhood has been all people told me and so much more! Beforehand it just didn't really sink in just how much hard work it really is - the complete and utter lack of sleep, having absolutely no time for yourself, how it changes your body(!) and how it feels to have this tiny and vulnerable person being so utterly dependent on you for their every need. And yet, for all the sleepless nights (and believe me they continue!) and the total lack of a social life for the first few months it has been totally worth it and the love you feel for your child is really and truly like no other. And you even get used to the sleepless nights after a while. After 9 months I am used to functioning on little sleep and once you get into a routine with your baby you are able to have a little time to yourself. Even if it's just 10 minutes to grab a cup of tea!

Taking your child home for the first time: It was a cold dark January night when we first brought Ed home. I couldn't wait to leave the hospital, having being there for nearly a week after a very traumatic birth (another story!) but when my partner and I got home with Ed still in his carseat, we looked at each other and said 'what do we do now'?! It was completely overwhelming having been in the protective surroundings of the hospital we were now on our own and we had no clue what to do!

That first night we did not sleep a wink and kept checking baby was still breathing, he wasn't too hot, he wasn't too cold......but we survived and the constant checking in the night has been a recurring theme since (I don t think this ever changes as my mom still checks on me at night when I go home for the weekends!)

The best/worst advice: The worst thing I could have done is the reading, reading and more reading and comparing of all the baby and parenting books. I also googled everything.
This was so bad for me as I constantly compared myself as a parent and my baby to others in these books/on the Internet and it can make you feel inadequate. So my advice would be don't read these books and instead speak to friends/family/other mums. The best advice then has come from other mums, an invaluable source of support and ideas and a godsend!

The hardest parts of being a mother: Some of the hardest parts have been the changes to my life, there are friends that you see less of and it is hard to keep in touch when you are 100% focused on your baby. It is difficult at the start to talk about anything other than babies as that is your life, so I have tried really hard not to talk about baby things all the time when I do see friends, although maybe they would say otherwise! The lack of sleep is hard but you do get used to this and I do spend less time on my appearance than I once did. Your priorities change but I don t think this is necessarily a bad thing.
And the worrying....I am the worlds worst worrier but now, having a baby, I worry even more!

The best parts of being a mother: The best bits far outweigh the bad bits, seeing Ed for the first time was amazing, and I couldn t stop looking at him at first, actually I still can't! The love you feel is truly overwhelming and it is true what they say about forgetting about the labour once you have your baby in your arms. Seeing him reach different milestones, crawling, playing, smiling. It really is amazing to think you have created this person and that you are the most important person in their life. It's quite scary really - maybe this should have gone in the hardest section too!

On a personal level I feel calmer, more patient and less likely to stress over little things unlike before. You become more accepting about how things are and realise what's important in life, although you also realise how short life really is and that also is quite scary!

Hopes for your family: All I really hope is that Ed grows to be a happy, healthy young boy and that he achieves all he wants to achieve.

I would like Ed to have a brother or sister in the future but we are incredibly lucky to have Ed and so if it happens it happens. Either way as long as my family are happy and healthy then that's all I can wish for.
What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: My advice would be don t panic! You will be fine and there is a lot of support out there if you feel you need it.
Do not read any of those parenting books. Do not google anything.
Try and get a routine going when you can, it's so much easier to work with a routine I think and, although baby does not always stick to this if you can have regular mealtimes, bath times and bedtimes it will make your life easier!
Join local mother and baby classes, these have been invaluable to me and the friends I have made at these I hope are friends for life! I was so not the type of person to go to these and definitely didn't t think I would enjoy them but going saved me in the early days when i was totally frazzled and didn't know whether I was coming or going......and there isn t a nursery rhyme out there that I do not know the words to now.

Charmaine and Maya

Name: Charmaine 

Child: Maya, 21 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: Being a mother meant joining this secret society that I knew little or nothing about. I had never held a newborn baby, changed a nappy or even babysat a small baby. How would I cope with poo, sick, sleepless nights and huge responsibility? Would I feel overwhelming love as soon as I set eyes on him or her? Would I ever leave the house again?

Reality of Motherhood: How to sum up on one paragraph? All I can say is, every cliche is true. All the songs I thought were a bit cheesy ring true now: 'You are the sunshine of my life', 'You are everything and everything to me. ' I still can't believe I've been pregnant and given birth to a beautiful daughter. I'd be lying if I said motherhood was fabulous all the time, it's the most emotionally and physically demanding 'job' I've ever had but it's indescribably great at the same time.

Taking your child home for the first time: Twenty minutes in freezing conditions of the hospital car park, trying to fix the car seat and £17 worth of car park fees later, we were finally home. It really was a magical time. Maya was due on Christmas day but to our relief she was born on 21st December. When we took her home and placed her Moses basket next to the Christmas tree it all looked very biblical. I'm not religious at all, but Christmas held a special significance for me that year .

The best/worst advice:
Best advice: Don't listen to advice, trust your own instincts. 

Worst advice: Don't listen to advice, trust your own instincts!

The hardest parts of being a mother:
Lack of sleep (surprise!) 

All the conflicting information and advice. 

Not knowing why your baby is crying.

The best parts of being a mother:
For me I'm still blown away that we made this little girl and I have given birth. I am an adopted person and I love my family, but the fact that Maya is my flesh and blood is profoundly important.

Hopes for your family:
Happiness, health and all the usual things. Maya is part Jamaican and German. We aim to bring her up bilingual and help her appreciate all aspects of her cultural heritage.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums:
Try not to focus solely on the birth. For me the hardest bit was getting used to having a newborn and coping with all the demands.

Maria and Luca

Name: Maria 

Child: Luca, 9 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I thought I would be a real 'Gina Ford' mother! Eg. Baby in his cot, in his own room on the first night at home! Breastfeeding on a routine. Letting the baby cry.

Reality of Motherhood: I don't think I put him down for the first month. I fell in love with him as soon as he was born. He seemed so grateful to be fed and cuddled. I was reluctant to let his dad hold him. I would feel jealous and empty if I wasn't holding him! I feel like I've always known him.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was desperate to take Luca home. We were kept in hospital for 5 days because he was jittery when he was born. They were injecting him with anti-biotics every 12 hours but couldn't give me a straight answer as to why. We were on a ward with 3 other new mothers and their babies screamed all night. I didn't sleep for the 5 days. I was so worried about Luca. By day 5 I was frantic for an explanation and we were discharged when they couldn't provide one. When we got home I was worried sick. I thought I had made the wrong decision but the jittering soon stopped and I began to feel more confident.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I received was from the midwife re breastfeeding. I had read the Gina Ford book and had my head filled with routines etc. The midwives advice was to feed on demand. Me and Luca were both much happier when I started to do this. So I suppose the worst advice was to try to put a breast fed baby into a 'routine'.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Tearing myself away from Luca and leaving him in the care of other people. I found it so hard to even leave him with his grandparents (and still do!). The worry never seems to go away. Now I am back at work and still breastfeeding, I find it a real struggle. I express milk whilst I am at work but it takes me nearly half an hour and that is all I get for lunch. I have to express in my classroom which locks but when kids are running past and banging on the door, it is nerve-wracking!

The best part of being a mother: Breastfeeding. I am so glad I tried it. Luca took to it straight away and we have become so close because of it. I think of us as our own little unit; it is so special between us. Another thing is the laughter and smiles. It is amazing. I love taking him places and showing him new things. I love dressing him up.

Hopes for your family: My only hope at the moment is that he stays healthy and lives a long and happy life. 

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums:

I would say read the Gina Ford books if you must but keep an open mind and don't feel that it's the only way! Breastfeed if you want to and stay strong when family members tell you your baby needs a bottle etc. Get involved with your local Sure Start (whilst you can) - even just voicing your concerns to other mothers can really reassure you. Explain to your partner that although you are not at work, you now have a new job which is much more important that the washing up! Enjoy every minute of your maternity leave because it goes by in a flash. And, DO NOT let any man talk you out of having an epidural if you want one. I did.

Having a baby is the single, most important, life-changing and happiest thing I have ever achieved in my life.