Helen and Elliott

Name: Helen

Child: Elliott, 1 yr

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: Just the usual, absolute horror, worry, agony, lack of sleep, terrible piles, ‘life never being the same again’ etc etc, Yep, all the good stuff.

I tried not to expect or think about it so much. I was in the ‘over 35’s’ group too so most of the medical info was pretty grim. We had bad results/stats for all our tests so when I think back I’m amazed we actually went through with it. Sounds a bit pessimistic but I guess I was preparing myself for the worst.

I’ve never really been a broody person so it surprised me that we had both come to the same conclusion that we wanted to start a family, so I just wanted to get on with it.
I expected it to be a lot less fun than it is too, I thought it only got interesting once they began to talk and that you just had to get through the first couple of years to get to the good bits.

Oh, and I thought I would have time to learn to bake and sew and sit around reading, whilst blissfully feeding my dozing bundle……ha ha ha!

Reality of Motherhood: Truly amazingly brilliant, truly amazingly difficult and truly amazingly scary. 

A huge mixed-up bag of contradictions.

It’s not easy trying to sum it all up in a couple of paragraphs. I’ve never ever been so completely in love with anything so much or had such a laugh, it’s brilliant. I do have days when I find the whole thing very hard but I can honestly say most days are just ace, funny, cute, and happy. Sometimes I feel like I’m skiving cos I’m having so much of a good time!
It’s gradually changed me but I’m happy with that. In some ways I’ve become tougher, but then softer with other things. I feel quite selfish about time and not wasting it on things that don’t matter, but then if I see and kids or babies on TV upset and suffering I’m an absolute wreak. Contradictions again!

Taking your child home for the first time: We had a long labour resulting in a Caesarian section, I can’t use the word ‘emergency’ - it’s scaremongering. Yes it was a bit hairy for a while but we all came out of it absolutely fine, and our son, so far, is a healthy happy little boy and that’s the main thing. 

Due to the nature of our birth we had to stay in hospital for 5 nights so we were incredibly happy to be told we could go. It took 3 trips to the car with all the paraphernalia we had accumulated from our stay in hospital, the final one with our little baby. It was a mixture of excitement and fear. The drive home was like a scene out of a video game, cars driving at us, pensioners walking out in front of us, buses careering towards us, terrifying obstacles everywhere, Elliott oblivious to it all. We managed to see the funny side though, a good blueprint to adapt to!

The best/worst advice: Best advice was a short book called ‘Helping your Baby to sleep’ by Siobhan Mulholland, quick read and to the point which is what was needed after many nights of little sleep, verging on the point of irrational strategies to end the sleep deprivation.

Also, a friend told us not to keep things too quiet at night as they did, otherwise your baby will get used to the silence and wake up at the least little noise. So far Elliott sleeps, mostly, through anything.

Worst advice - all the other books! (I did say a big bag of contradictions). Too long to read, too nazi, too awful, just not for me/us. All babies are different, I can’t understand how one book can determine all babies. Surely they need to be respected and therefore treated as individuals? I know they work for a lot of people but not for us. I launched ‘The Contented Little Baby’ out the window it annoyed me so much and that was only after reading about 5 pages of it, and then had to go out in pajamas to pick it up. If you are going to read the books, maybe do it before the baby arrives, I was too tired and busy feeding to read a big massive book and a boring one at that.

One minute I was praising the hospital staff and wanting to buy them all presents, the next we were being given terrible awful contradictory advice. One midwife told us we had to insert a laxative into our 7 day old son, can you imagine having to hold down your terrified screaming kid and force this thing into him only because you’ve been told to do so by a ‘professional’. The next day a different mid-wife came along to tell us what we did hadn’t been needed and asked why did we do it. I think she must have seen the look on my face, as she quickly did a back-track and said it wasn’t so bad. Too late, I was already thinking of ways to hide her body after I’d strangled her, I didn’t though, we moved on. 

Pretty soon after that I decided I wasn’t going to be doing anything else without asking a lot of questions before hand, luckily Elliott didn’t seem to be too scarred from the incident, but we were. We can and do laugh about it now but it was really upsetting at the time. I was livid with myself because I was so afraid of doing the wrong thing and I'd trusted the people who were supposed to know more than me. I should have spoken out and listened to my instincts. 

I don’t have my Mother to ask all the usual questions or any other family near by but we do have brilliant well informed mates with first hand experience, who, so far have always been spot-on when I’ve asked for help/advice. I’m eternally grateful for this.

The hardest parts of being a mother: It was a while before I got to hold our son, they took him away to check all was well and we made nervous small talk until we heard a yelp, then they brought him over, just as I was asking my partner what he was doing with the rest of the weekend (that must have been the epidural talking). Jon held him first then was ushered out while they finished patching me up, so it was a while before I actually got to hold him. I remember saying ‘Cheers everyone’ to all the theatre staff, like they’d just bought me a pint; I don’t think it had actually hit me that now I was a Mother, it was quite an eventful beginning.

So, when I finally did get to hold Elliott, I didn’t feel that rush of love that you hear about. Everything seemed to be, ‘right just get on with it’ and mechanical and this is your life now. It was all ‘do this’ and ‘do that’ and none of that soft focus coochy moment you think there might be, us all gazing at each other, none of that.
Now, of course I don’t think now it would be possible to love our little boy any more and I do feel guilty that I didn’t have that ‘rush’, I also feel guilty about many many other things; is he eating healthily, is he getting enough exercise, is being stimulated enough, is he being too stimulated!!! I even feel guilty for feeling guilty and worry that I worry too much but apparently that’s all part of being a mother.

Trying to stop swearing is hard - I’ve got a bit of a potty mouth so having to curb that is proving, at times, somewhat of a challenge. The partying was easy to stop, I was bored of that anyway but the swearing, proving a bit difficult!

The best parts of being a mother: The laughs, the little games he loves to play, those little legs running, normally away from me, his happy little face first thing in the morning going in to get him up, last thing at night doing the bedtime routine, teaching him new stuff, seeing him take that stuff in and being able to do it.

Dancing round the kitchen with him, throwing him on the bed, chasing him about which he loves. Just hanging out with him is ace; he’s such a funny little person and is always trying to make us laugh. I do feel very very lucky to have this, 95% of the time is just brilliant, the routines and rituals he has, his smell, his hands, his feet, do I need to go on….it probably sounds pathetic, but I can’t help it, he is just so amazing, the good times definitely outweigh the bad and it’s really not all worry worry guilt guilt.

I think we’re lucky with our timing, deciding to do this later on, I just feel ready, and it’s the best job ever.

Hopes for your family: That we always get on, that we always love each other and are happy and healthy. In years to come if we go through tough times I hope I remember to look back to these days, at how happy, contented and grounded we all are as a family.
I also hope we fulfill our job to bring Elliott up to be a good person, who’ll be happy and thoughtful of others.

Any advice you offer to new and expectant mums: Do it your own way, you may not think or feel you know what you are doing, but I reckon there is something that just naturally kicks in. The crying won’t last forever so just grit your teeth and get some earplugs.
Don’t be afraid to speak out if you’re not happy with the way you are being treated by one of the many professionals you will come across, you don’t have to be rude but it may save a lot of stress to question something you feel uneasy with.
He or She is YOUR baby; no one else’s and no one else knows them better than you.
Try to retain a sense of humor; after all, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, so they say!

Monika and Isabelle

Name: Monika  

Child: Isabelle, 2 yrs (Schmoo2 is due in May 2012) 

Location: Manchester.

Expectations of Motherhood: I was really lucky as I have 2 younger sisters and also some very close friends who had babies a while before I did. As a result I think I was a lot better prepared for what was to come than many of my friends. I was expecting to feel exhausted beyond sanity and I was expecting to miss being spontaneous for example. I'm really pleased I did 'know' that was coming, as otherwise I think that would have been a real shock.

I always knew I wanted to be a mum but that I'd like to start around the age of 30. I never wanted to be a young mum, which some of my friends really did. I was very lucky to meet the right man when I did, which gave us the chance to be together as a couple for a few years without the added pressure of feeling the biological clock ticking. We both felt ready for parenthood at the point we decided to try for a baby.

Reality of Motherhood: I hadn't expected pregnancy to be quite as hard as it was. With my first pregnancy I bled a lot in the first few months, and so had several trips to the hospital thinking I was having a miscarriage. The emotional exhaustion of this seriously took its toll on me. I was also sick every day for about 20 weeks, and I remember at times consoling myself when lying on the sofa with a bucket in my hands that the sicker I felt the more pregnant I must be! I remember being so dizzy that I couldn't stand up in the shower, and wasn't safe to drive anywhere. That experience made me wait longer than I perhaps would have to try for a second baby as the idea of dealing with all of that while looking after a child was daunting to say the least.

The rollercoaster didn't stop there. At 16 weeks we had the blood test to check for downs, and I vividly remember the phonecall that came telling us we were 'very' high risk. Our 'numbers' came back as a 1 in 50 chance of our baby having downs, which was a real shock. I hadn't expected there to be so few answers for us. I knew that I didn't want an amnioscentesis, and yet that was all the midwife was able to talk to us about. There seemed to be so little information about how that statistic was arrived at and what might affect the numbers, or how they know the difference between the 5% false positive result, and what would be one of the 49 babies without downs. I felt very vulnerable at that time and unsupported by the medical staff because I just couldn't get any answers to my questions. I spent a long time looking up local support groups, and it made me feel a lot better knowing they were there if I were to need them. I felt incredibly lucky that my husband and I felt the same about how to proceed and wanted to make the same decisions. I remember feeling very sympathetic to any couples who found themselves in that situation who disagreed with each other about what to do next.

So far my second pregnancy couldn't be more different. I haven't been sick, and the dizzyness hasn't been as extreme. We've just had our first scan and all seems to be progressing well. We declined the test this time.

The reality of motherhood once Isabelle was born was in large part what I was expecting. Isabelle didn't sleep through the night for about 7 months, and for a long time was feeding almost every 1.5 - 2 hours, including at night. I really was exhausted. The combined exhaustion and wonder of it all meant that there were days and days where I just looked at her, and studied her face when she was sleeping. I remember people telling me that sleep would be interrupted and to sleep when baby sleeps. People who said that made me want to scream by the end of the first few weeks. I just couldn't put Isabelle down for about 5 weeks. I remember doing the 'pick up put down' thing and settling her and then popping her in her moses basket, but she would only sleep when she was being cuddled. She would cry and cry and cry otherwise. In the end my husband and I would tag team the night shift to try and make sure we both got some sleep. So I was up til about 3am and then he would get up. The time she first slept an hour in her moses basket I actually did a little dance. She didn't have naps in her cot during the day until after she started nursery and they all did it there. Luckily she does now still have a nap, which means that finally I can sleep when baby sleeps and have an afternoon nap if I need one!

Taking your child home for the first time:
I gave birth at 5am and remember getting onto the ward at 7am, just when the curtains were being opened, breakfast started coming round and everyone was rising for the day. All I wanted to do was close my eyes, but a steady stream of people would come by, from the photographer to the ear test lady to the person asking what I wanted for lunch etc. I decided by about 8am that I didn't want to stay in hospital and just wanted to get home as fast as I could. It took til 4pm for us to be able to leave and I was getting really impatient to get off the ward and into the privacy and quiet of my home. I remember wanting to sit in the back of the car with Isabelle on the way home to be close to her. We had said no overnight visitors for the first couple of weeks, as we just didn't know how we would feel, but I really enjoyed having a steady stream of people popping in to see us. People were brilliant and brought us food, and did the washing up and just came and talked and offered company, which was perfect. I couldn't really walk much for the first two weeks and so having friends come and entertain us while I sat on the sofa was perfect. I remember the first night being both wonderful and daunting, and we were in the middle of a heatwave, and I remember having no idea about how to make sure her temperature was right. Would she be in a draught if we open the window? Will she be too hot if we don't? And the reality of what a sleepless night actually means. I was very glad I was at home, and very glad Tom was there next to me, rather than being on a ward by myself. 

The best/worst advice: Everyone offers an opinion. The most frustrating thing is those people who tell you things as fact. That something would work for every baby is nonsense, and so much of it is feeling your way and using your instinct and finding what works for you and also for your child.
I would say the main thing is to take help where it is offered. Or demand it if needed. If at the beginning people want to come and see you and meet the new baby, get them to bring lunch with them and if they offer to wash up - let them! It makes having visitors far more enjoyable. Everyone pitching in a little is so much better than you trying to juggle everything yourself. You have more important things to focus on.
My NCT group was a wonder, and we are still in touch and see each other most weeks now. It gave us all a group to share experiences, and often it was a relief to know other mothers were experiencing the same thing, or just to collapse on the sofa with a group of people just as exhausted as I was and completely understanding of what that means. The days could sometimes have felt very long without them.

The hardest parts of being a mother: I have found the hardest part came after maternity leave. I am a freelancer now but find my industry doesn't lend itself well to being balanced with motherhood. This came as a bit of a shock to me, as I've always thought arts and charity work are so pro the work/life balance that it would be relatively easy to work part time. The trouble is that so many aspects of this work are festival and/or evening based, that having a child in nursery 3 days a week doesn't give me the flexibility I need to make some of the work happen.
I used to go and see many live performances in literature and theatre, and go to talks and debates and networking evening. I miss the cultural offerings around Manchester, and I know I need to find a way to create a better balance with arts/culture and motherhood.

The best parts of being a mother: I love motherhood. I love discovering Isabelle's personality. She is incredibly fun to be around and it is a delight to see her discovering language and to see her sense of humour develop. She is excellent company and I'm very excited to see how she responds to being a big sister when the time comes next year.
I enjoy discovering the world from a new angle myself too. In showing the world to Isabelle and watching her discoveries and her delight I find I'm inspired and filled with wonder again myself, especially by things I forget to notice now because they have become ordinary.

Hopes for your family: That we continue to enjoy each other's company.
I also hope that I will be able to pay enough attention to Isabelle and the new baby next year. I want to feel that I'm giving enough attention, but also that I am experiencing enough of my children too.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Use your support networks, whether in person or online - find what works for you. Motherhood is wonderful but it is also extremely hard, and asking for help is a good thing to do.
Your instinct is the best tool you'll ever develop, so make sure you listen to it.
Your child is an individual and so are you. You can have all sorts of ideas about the kind of mother you will be, but you may be surprised by how your child responds. Don't be frightened of trying something completely different.

Monika Neall is a freelance community engagement manager in Manchester.
*She specialises in marketing, outreach and engagement strategies and projects.
*She provides corporate social responsibility consultancy for SMEs.
*www.the-pebble.co.uk

Tamasin and Fabienne

 Name: Tamasin 

Child: Fabienne, 22mths 

(18 months in photos)

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I always knew it would be really hard work but the most rewarding experience at the same time. I just never realised just how difficult and exhausting it would be and just how utterly amazing it would be!

I work with children and have much younger siblings therefore thought I had realistic expectations of looking after children...turns out I was wrong! I don't think anything could have ever prepared me for motherhood. Things are so totally different when it's your own child (and when you are their tired round-the-clock carer!)

I had high expectations for the 'skin to skin time', the 'sudden rush of love' and expected to be crying etc when Fabienne was born. The truth is I was exhausted after being in labour for three days and felt 'out of it' and numb (partly down to all the pain relief I said I'd never have!). They showed Fabienne to me briefly when she first 'arrived' then whisked her away as they wanted to check her over after the lengthy labour and traumatic delivery. I remember having eye contact with her for a second and thinking that she didn't look how I'd imagined. They took her into another room and my first spark of mothers instinct kicked in.... I insisted Josh went in and watched what they were doing. It wasn't until a day or so later though that I felt the overwhelming love for Fabienne and the extreme desire to look after her and protect her and I cried.

Reality of Motherhood: It's a real shock to the system and a steep learning curve! You do what you need to do! 

Examples: 
1.The plan was that Fabienne would sleep in a cot next to our bed, and we would move her into her own room when she was approximately 6 months old. The reality is that she didn't sleep a night in her cot until she was 13 months old, she slept with us until then. She is 22 months now and has her own bed, but this is still in our room...and she still often climbs in with us during the night!
2.The plan was that I'd breast feed until around 6 months but express so that Josh could help with the feeding. The reality is that I breastfed until Fabienne was 14 months old, Fabienne never took a bottle and I never seemed to get time to express anyway!

It's extremely tiring though and you do need to find some time to look after yourself and your relationship with your partner. I'm still struggling to find the right balance to be honest.

It's the best thing I've ever done and feel as though my life has more meaning now. I feel like I've found my place and have more of a purpose.

Taking your child home for the first time: Fabienne and I had been in hospital together for 8 days after her birth so we'd become a little unit and had learned to cope really well in one room with midwives and nurses always around to answer my questions. So taking her home was daunting. It was January, snowy, dark, and freezing cold. When we got outside everything felt surreal. The world felt different. I was so excited to take Fabs home but extremely nervous I was going to do things wrong. I was extremely conscious of her temperature, constantly trying to assess whether she was too hot or cold. I was scared that we would put the car seat in wrong, and once we were on our way kept asking Josh to drive really carefully. I was relieved when we got her home safely. I remember being in our house, just looking over at Josh, then at Fabi and just feeling overwhelmed with responsibility!

The best/worst advice:
Worst: 'you need to give her a dummy', 'just let her cry it out', ' you need to put her down'
Best: Trust your instincts, do what feels right for you

The hardest parts of being a mother: It can be so emotionally painful! The worry that at something bad will happen to her, or to me or her dad. I just want to look after her every second of every day forever!!!!

- Trusting yourself.

The tiredness is hard too, you're never ever really off duty...and won't ever be again it seems!!

- Having to let go sometimes, I found it incredibly difficult to go back to work and leave Fabi after my maternity leave. I was able to go back part time and I found a brilliant childminder though which made things a little easier. I hate being apart from Fabienne but I love to see how excited she gets when I come to pick her up, and it makes me cherish all the time we do have together even more.

The best parts of being a mother:

The overwhelming, all encompassing love for my baby girl.

Seeing her with her daddy.

The 'proud mummy' moments!

Watching her grow and develop and seeing her individuality evolve.

Watching her playing and hearing her laughing.

The kisses and cuddles.....hope they never stop!

Being the one who can make things better when she's upset or hurt.

Reading and singing with her and having our interesting and funny little chats.

Seeing how proud she is when she's learned something new.

Waking up to her beautiful little voice and her beautiful little self 

Hopes for your family: That Fabienne continues to be such a happy little soul, and that she is able to fulfill her dreams.

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with a baby boy, so I hope that Fabienne and her little brother like and love each other and have a happy childhood together.

That Josh and I can provide a safe, happy, stable, loving, stimulating life for our children.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: To trust your own instincts and to do what feels right for you, your baby and your family. Everyone is different and you can't compare your experience as a mother to anyone elses.

I spent a lot of time worrying about the birth, I googled video's to prepare.....if you're doing this or thinking of doing this...DON'T!! Each birthing experience is completely different. Yes it hurts but it's manageable and you get through it. I had a fairly traumatic labour and birth and as you've probably heard people say before within no time I was saying that I'd do it again....I was actually very proud of myself afterwards! Additionally it's such a small part of the motherhood experience that after you've shared your birth story with your new 'mummy' friends it's all over and you move on to discussing what your little one is or isn't doing...... and that is the what you will talk about forever more!

Make friends with local mums, go to groups. Surestart centres are brilliant. It's weird at first, it's like going back to starting school again and can be a bit daunting, but everyone is in the same boat and going through the same things. You can ask advice, help each other and have fun keeping busy together during your maternity leave. I don't know what I would have done without the group of mums that I met, they became great friends and I think we'll always be in touch since we went through such a life changing time together and it really is lovely to see all our little ones growing up.

And the old favourites:
Rest up as much as you can before the birth there is no chill time afterwards!
Try to enjoy every second they really do grow so fast!

I chose to have the photo's taken in/on our bed as it was the centre of our lives for at least the first year of Fabienne's life and continues to feature heavily. We all slept there together, I fed her there, I read to her there, we cuddle there, I change her and dress her there, we have 'toastie time' there, we play there, we sing there...the list goes on! 

Carolyn and Charlie

Name: Carolyn 

Child: Charlie, 8 months
Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I didn't really know what to expect from motherhood as it's not something you can imagine. I was so absorbed in feeling ill and hormonal when I was pregnant it was hard to remember there was a baby in there at times. I was actually really surprised when they plopped the baby on my stomach after giving birth because I just couldn’t get my head round the fact he was really in there.

I'd wanted a baby for a long time but we waited until it was the right time for us in terms of work/ money etc. I didn't think too much abut my expectations, I just knew I'd always wanted a family.

Reality of Motherhood: The shock of it all hit me quite hard. After one night in labour, another night actually having Charlie and then another night in hospital with babies screaming all night, I was exhausted from the beginning. I also lost a lot of blood and was really anaemic and dizzy. Charlie and I also found breastfeeding really difficult, which I had not prepared for at all.

I felt a bit jealous that my husband bonded with Charlie instantly, because I didn’t enjoy much of the first few weeks because it was so difficult to get him breastfeeding. I’m really proud of their relationship now though, although I’m still a teeny bit jealous of how much he loves his daddy!

My mum came over to help the day after we got home from hospital and didn't leave for a week!

I struggled on with the breastfeeding for three months but once I'd got Charlie bottle feeding and my husband could help out at night times, it was a massive relief.

Now Charlie is eight months old he's just an adorably happy bundle of cuteness and motherhood is amazing. Before I had a baby, I knew that you'd love your baby unconditionally - but I didn't prepare for the 'cute factor'. That you could just think something was just the most adorable thing and every single thing they do is ridiculously cute. 

Taking your child home for the first time: In true disorganised fashion, we hadn't practised using the car seat, so were completely baffled at how to loosen the straps enough to get Charlie in there. Luckily the chap with the women opposite me in hospital had practised thoroughly and offered to help us. I must add that Halfords had taught us how to strap the seat into the car properly though! 

We didn't have much time to dwell on the enormity of the situation when we arrived home as both our families descended on us and then my best friends arrived so we had a lovely day. 

The best/worst advice: I repeatedly badgered my friends with kids on how they dealt with things, which was possibly a bit annoying for them but very useful for me. I also read books incessantly, which really helped. I liked to read books on every style of parenting and then make up my own mind.

We ended up doing the Gina Ford routine, which I really liked because it meant if anyone else looked after Charlie they didn’t need to figure out when to feed him or when he needed to sleep. I don’t really understand the criticism of the routine really – if it doesn’t suit you or your baby then just don’t do it!

Completely ignore advice that you don’t feel is right. As the mum, you always know best.

I suppose the best advice is something that everyone says, which is enjoy and remember every moment because the first year goes (or is going!) so fast.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Obviously the lack of sleep at the beginning is the hardest thing ever and the relentless feeding, burping and changing cycle is just never-ending. But now I don't feel there's anything which is hard - apart from letting the grandparents have him because I miss him too much!

The best parts of being a mother: Just having a little buddy with you all the time is great fun. Charlie really makes you work hard for a laugh, so when he does giggle you really feel special. I also love seeing him change and develop every week.

Hopes for your family: That he continues to be a happy and bubbly little person and enjoys life.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Just go with the flow and the hardest part won't last that long. Try to enjoy them when they're tiny because in a few months it will be hard to imagine anything that tiny again!

Don’t stress too much about breastfeeding, whether they’re sleeping enough, or anything else. Every baby is so different and we can only do our best.

If you don’t want visitors, just tell people that. We banned visitors for a couple of weeks because we were just so exhausted, the thought of making someone a cup of tea AND then washing it up was too much.

Carolyn Hughes is a freelance PR and copywriter in Manchester. She also writes the blog Manchester Is Ace and has just launched Little Dudes, a blog about things to do with babies, toddles and kids in Manchester. 

Den and Harry

Name: Denise
Child: Harry, 5
Location: Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: My husband and I had been determined that we wanted to live out a perfect fairytale. We'd been together for a long time and marriage had been important to us. The next natural step was to have children. As children who'd both been born as accidents and from unconventional families, it was important for us to do things 'the right way'. Looking back, the fairytale couldn't have turned out any more differently to our expectations. I'm a single parent now and I'm having to write a new story, and so in retrospect none of that actually mattered.

Never in a million years had I expected to become a single mum. We'd been obsessed with doing 'the right thing' as a couple and doing what made us look like the perfect family, but in the end it just didn't work out like that. It sounds crazy now, to think I was so conservative in my attitude towards becoming a parent.

Reality of Motherhood: The bubble burst immediately at Harry's birth in a traumatic 18hr labour. Harry was in the wrong position - back to back - and was eventually delivered by emergency C-section. It made me reconsider all of my original expectations of motherhood. After 3 days of trauma and looking after this new little thing, finally coming out of the haze, I fell in love with him. For days I'd felt disconnected because of everything that had happened in the birth. Then finally it was like a little door in my heart opened - I like to call it my 'John Malkovich door'. As an adult you expect that you've experienced every emotion, but you really haven't until you feel this unconditional love for your child. I imagine people have more children because it's like a drug addict harking back to their first high. If you could buy that love as a drug, you'd be unbelievably rich.

Motherhood now, as a single mum, has meant a real change in my life, but I have realised that the fairytale can be rewritten and our relationship has developed into something really special.

Taking your child home for the first time: We were kept in hospital for 5 days. By the time we left they had diagnosed Harry with hole in his heart and we were told that eventually he would need an operation. Returning home was tinged with the worry of not knowing exactly what was wrong. We found ourselves dealing with the emotions of being new parents, sharing the same experiences as other new parents, but at the same time being scared stiff because of what was potentially going to happen to our poorly baby. 

I tried to enjoy him as much as possible in those early months. I indulged in doing the things you can do as a new mum - not having to get dressed, eating cake, etc. Other people expected me to look after them when they'd descend on us, but I wanted us to be spoilt. It's a strange bubble you're in while midwives, health visitors and parents-in-law breeze through your door on a daily basis. I really enjoyed feeling special for those first few weeks, and then it hit me that I was going to smell of sour milk for the next few months. I remember one occasion when I was in the supermarket with my new born baby, and everyone was smiling and looking at me. I felt so proud with my beautiful boy. At the checkout I remember seeing milk all over the till and in reporting it to the assistant. Her eyes glanced down to my chest - it was me!

Harry had open heart surgery at 5 mths, and it was a totally weird experience. Up till then he'd lived as a relatively normal baby boy. I remember becoming obsessed with breast feeding - I'd originally felt like I didn't want to be bullied into it, but when it transpired that he was ill I did become a bit evangelical about the whole thing. It was the best medicine he could have and as a fairly helpless parent it was the one thing I could do to help the situation. I knew that the bigger and stronger he could be for his operation, the better.

Harry was in Alder Hey for 3 weeks and we stayed with him during that time apart from the 3 days when he was in intensive care. That time really opened my eyes to how lucky we were. I remember one time when I was making pot noodle in the hospital kitchen and came across a dad who was making a full sunday roast for his family in the kitchen. I said, "you're pushing the boat out, aren't you?" and he explained that they'd been in there for 18 mths with his daughter and he was trying to regain some normality. His daughter had a brain injury and he didn't know when they'd be leaving. 
We were so lucky because Harry could be mended, and it was that moment when I went from, "why me?" to "we're so lucky". After his operation he recovered quickly and has managed to live life as a healthy little boy since.

Best and worst advice: There's no one piece of advice that has stuck out to me, but it's important to discuss problems with friends. Everyone has their own pearls of wisdom but not everyone finds the same thing works for them. Trust your instincts.  

The hardest parts of being a mother: Nobody tells you that at some point you will really dislike (almost hate) your child. You'll love them, but you really don't like them, and that's ok and normal. Our relationship has changed since I've become a single mum because I have to be 'good cop' and 'bad cop' now. He can go to his dad and experience purely good times, whereas I have to lay down the rules and discipline him. 

Recently the lines have blurred slightly between being a parent and child - in earnest, I probably discuss more with him than I should but I like to be very open with him because we're a team. I don't have to share him with anyone as a single parent - I have to cope with the bad bits but I get all the good bits and those dark moments have made our relationship so much stronger. 

I miss reminiscing with someone or sharing with someone about how amazing he is. I also can't ever leave a situation and get distance from being a mum, like just saying I need a bath or my own time. I don't have any family support nearby, but I have got a network of really good friends. Without them I wouldn't have been able to get through this. I'm much braver as a person now too, motherhood has shown me that I am quite strong and can get through things.

The best parts of being a mother: I love him, he's funny and has his own personality. He's
my best friend for life and we have a lovely relationship. He's also at an age where we can do fun things together like sneaking him into the cinema to see films he's not really supposed to. He's his own person and has an incredible personality and his own very valid opinion. I love that he's great company - for kids and adults - and he is genuinely funny. I'm so proud that he has created independent relationships with adults who are my friends, and these are relationships that exist because they honestly like each other. At first when we did things, just Harry and I, it felt like someone was missing for both of us. Recently it feels like we are a complete family, just us two.

Hopes for your family: I hope he'll be able to have a good relationship with his father. 

I hope that he felt loved by us growing up. 

I want him to always be happy in whatever he does and chooses to do - I think that's all that matters.

What advice would you give new and expectant mums:
- Listen to your own voice, don't be bullied by anyone.
- Don't buy into false expectations and fairytales.
- It's your book, you are the author, you have to write it.
- Whatever you choose to do, it's the right way.
- You can feed them all the organic purees you want, and give them a great mixed pallet of tastes, but by the age of two all they'll want to do is eat white food.
- Everything passes, everything is a phase.
- Enjoy it. Luxuriate into the first 6 mths, sleep when the baby sleeps and you'll get enough.
- Give in to being a mum and meanwhile don't feel bad about not being the best wife, lover, daughter, work colleague or project manager of your home renovations.
Take the time out the indulge in motherhood, this is the time to do it.

We get really hung up on what we should and shouldn't do, but all that matters is having a happy child. There's a tendency to buy into what people tell us to do in books, but people have been having babies for 1000s of years without them.