The Mothers

Gemma and Herbert

2012-02-02T04:41:00.000-08:00

Name: Gemma
Child: Herbert, 2
Location: Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I had to remind myself throughout my pregnancy, especially near the end, that it wasn’t just about the birth. I was so consumed with how I was going to get him out, that I almost forgot that he was going to be with me forever. Everyone tells you about the exhaustion, and the sleepless nights, but I don’t think this is something you can ever really understand until you’ve had a baby, so it didn’t worry me too much while I was pregnant. My husband and I had been watching our friends closely over the years as they had children - so I wasn’t completely naive about motherhood, but the labour did take up more of my thinking time than what the next twenty or so years would be like. I was worried that I would never be selfless enough to be a good mother – a worry that is still with me nearly two years in.

Reality of motherhood: The reality is that I still feel very much the same – like a little girl playing house - but with a little boy to hang out with, and try to look after as best I can. I think I thought I would turn into a ‘proper grown-up’ when Herb was born – but this hasn’t happened as yet. There are many realities of motherhood – I can now multi-task to the extreme and as a working mum, I feel guilty all of the time, our house is not as clean as it could be and I am always covered in something slimy...

However, the other realities are that the smallest things give me the most brilliant joy. Herb eating toast has always made me smile inside and out - his greasy fingers holding the crust – little finger held up to the side like a posh lady drinking tea. Words cannot describe the overwhelming wonderfulness of the reality of motherhood. The intense thrill at watching someone you made and grew learning the ways of the world is my favourite reality of motherhood.

Taking your child home for the first time: Herb’s dad and I were really paranoid about having a ‘clingy’ baby – so launched into our very first night at home with ‘controlled crying’... At 4 o clock in the morning, after Herb had been crying for maybe less than 5 mins, Joe threw down his arms in exasperation exclaiming he ‘had never known anything like it in his life!’ Luckily this made us laugh a lot, probably deliriously, and we realised this was true. We really had never known anything like this in our life, but we had it forever now so we had to work with it. The controlled crying obviously didn’t work and we struggled through night one. (The midwife kindly informed us the next day that we shouldn’t really try this method until Herb was at least a few weeks old! )

The best/worst advice: The best piece of advice I got was from my great friend Fleur, who admitted she did not experience the ‘overwhelming love’ when she gave birth to her first son, like we are all told we will. Fleur warned me that the love grows, and maybe even slowly at first while you get used to each other. I instantly felt protective of Herb, but I did feel like he was a tiny little stranger in our house. He didn’t really smile until he was 10 weeks old too – which didn’t help! I know this might seem like the most terrible thing to admit, but it it’s true and it is this piece of advice I will pass on to others as there is so much pressure put on mums to feel/behave in particular ways. Becoming a mum for the first time is overwhelming and huge – and we should be allowed to do it all in our own way – and trust that all feelings are natural and valid.

I can’t remember any bad advice. Although I think the contradictory advice on breastfeeding puts un-necessary strain on new mums.

The hardest part of being a mother: At one year and ten days old, on 17th March 2010, Herb had a stroke – the cause of which has never been definitely identified, although it was most probably due to a very high temperature down to an infection. We are very lucky the stroke was small and the damage done, relatively slight. His recovery is naturally slow, and although great so far he has very definite weakness in his right side. He has learned to walk, but has to wear a little splint to help and his right leg is now shorter than his left. He has developed good manual dexterity in his right hand, although he favours the left – especially when he’s eating! We have regular appointments with various health officials, from physios to paediatric neurologists – all of whom are completely amazing and supportive – and I think we will be seeing them for the next few years at least.

And this is the hardest part of being a mother: the fact you can’t just crumple and give up. The fact you love you child more than you ever thought it possible to love anyone and that any hurt/pain suffered by them physically pains you too – and that all you want to do is take their pain away and make it yours. That you would do anything to make them happy and well, and the fact that sometimes there is nothing you can do but hope.

Herb being ill was without a doubt the most terrible time of my life and has left me somewhat lunatic with regards to his health, and at times feeling lonely and heartbroken, but on a positive note, I do believe it has made my family and I stronger and, hopefully, more aware of others’ hardships too.

More hard things: the constant guilt - the fact I can’t give Herb all my time because I have to go to work, and that someone else gets to see him smile, play and laugh all day. And learning to be patient.

The best parts of being a mother: The intensity of emotion - seeing delight in Herb’s eyes, laughing with him, smelling his hair, feeling his love through his spontaneous hugs and adoring glances. Witnessing his strength in recovery, his patience and concentration; every time Herb chooses his right arm and hand for an activity my heart sings. When Herb had his stroke he could not lift his right arm and so could no longer suck his thumb, his natural ‘soother’. It was crushing to watch him try and get his thumb to his mouth and not be able to – heartbreaking to know that such a simple comfort had been taken away from him. Day six of our hospital stay and as Joe put Herb to bed in his hospital cot, he made it. Thumb reached mouth and Joe and I sobbed with relief, heaving with heavy hearted joy as we knew this teeny step was a momentous one.

The best part of being a mother is watching Herb, my son, growing into a little boy and doing all the things little boys do.

Hopes for your family: I hope with all my everything that Herb always gets to do everything he wants to do in the future – from playing the guitar to running a race. The simple things.

I hope we always laugh together and like each other. And I hope my little boy is the kind of son who regularly calls his mother. ..

Advice for new and expectant mums: In a very quiet voice, (as I recognise this could be a little annoying – and I was just very lucky) I would recommend hypno-birthing – it worked a treat for me. But in a loud voice I would recommend trying to ignore everyone’s advice and just go with the flow – do what you think is best for you baby; try not to look for patterns – they change every day; relax and have a lovely time!

Gemma makes bespoke children's armchairs (such as Herb's lion one) and quilts. They can be made to order.

See pics of Gemma's bits and bobs at Flickr.com/photos/saundersofmanchester
Orders taken via email - saundersofmanchester@gmail.com.

Liz and Imogen

2012-01-31T04:54:00.000-08:00

Name: Liz
Child: Imogen
Location: Manchester

Expectations of motherhood:
Oddly I'm not sure I ever had expectations of motherhood per se.

Somehow Imogen was here before I'd ever even thought about motherhood. I'd thought a lot about 'having a baby' but to me the two are slightly different things. All my thoughts about having a baby were focused around the practical implications and how we'd cope. I didn't ever really give much thought to what it would mean to be a mother. It's been lovely to realise that I absolutely adore it.

The reality of motherhood: Good grief it's hard isn't it!?

There is something about being the absolute centre of this tiny person's universe that is both wonderful and terrifying at the same time. I'd always - rather naively - thought that the bond children have with their parents is a result of the amount of involvement those parents have. I think I was totally unprepared for the completely natural, inevitable, unbreakable bond that Imogen has had with me from the very start. It's incredible but such an enormous responsibility.
Taking your child home for the first time: Absolute bliss. I was really lucky to have a very straightforward birth and we got to take her home the same day. I was so thrilled to be going home, so thrilled to not be in labour anymore and just mystified that she was finally here. I can remember so clearly being in the back of the car with her and having to shield her eyes from the street lights. Truth be told it makes me go a bit gooey thinking about it.

The best/worst advice: I must confess that I'm awful at listening to advice. I got advice fatigue while I was pregnant - when the world and his wife seem to fall over themselves to give you unsolicited advice. I was pretty adamant right from the start that I was happy to try things out but would not blindly follow any method, routine etc. I wanted to figure out what was right for us a family and sod everything else.

Imogen was a pretty easy baby (despite what seemed to be a firmly held belief that sleep was for wimps) so I didn't really feel like we needed a lot of advice (although I always thought there was something fundamentally sensible about the baby whisperer books).

We did, and still do, go with what feels right. So for instance, I didn't breast feed exclusively for 6 months, I've never let her 'cry it out', she's never slept in our bed and we did baby led weaning. I don't think any of things are 'right' for everyone but they worked for us.

Hardest parts of being a mother: The unrelenting nature of it all. Having to do it all day and all night, every day and every night is far far more exhausting than I could ever have anticipated.

The best parts of being a mother: The sense that you're building something new and fantastic. You've gone from a couple to a family and I just find that magical (cheesy but deliberate choice of word).

Hopes the future: We're hoping to add to our family in the coming years and that's a scary but exciting prospect. I'm so thrilled with our little family of 3 that up-ending all of that feels a bit nerve-wracking. We're confident it will be worth it though. This is just the beginning.

Advice for expectant mums:
Trust your instincts. All of the guidance you'll get is just that, guidance.
Oh and try and enjoy it, they'll be grown and slamming doors before we know it!

Helen and Elliott

2011-11-18T11:34:00.001-08:00

Name: Helen

Child: Elliott, 1 yr

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: Just the usual, absolute horror, worry, agony, lack of sleep, terrible piles, ‘life never being the same again’ etc etc, Yep, all the good stuff.

I tried not to expect or think about it so much. I was in the ‘over 35’s’ group too so most of the medical info was pretty grim. We had bad results/stats for all our tests so when I think back I’m amazed we actually went through with it. Sounds a bit pessimistic but I guess I was preparing myself for the worst.

I’ve never really been a broody person so it surprised me that we had both come to the same conclusion that we wanted to start a family, so I just wanted to get on with it.
I expected it to be a lot less fun than it is too, I thought it only got interesting once they began to talk and that you just had to get through the first couple of years to get to the good bits.

Oh, and I thought I would have time to learn to bake and sew and sit around reading, whilst blissfully feeding my dozing bundle……ha ha ha!

Reality of Motherhood: Truly amazingly brilliant, truly amazingly difficult and truly amazingly scary.

A huge mixed-up bag of contradictions.

It’s not easy trying to sum it all up in a couple of paragraphs. I’ve never ever been so completely in love with anything so much or had such a laugh, it’s brilliant. I do have days when I find the whole thing very hard but I can honestly say most days are just ace, funny, cute, and happy. Sometimes I feel like I’m skiving cos I’m having so much of a good time!
It’s gradually changed me but I’m happy with that. In some ways I’ve become tougher, but then softer with other things. I feel quite selfish about time and not wasting it on things that don’t matter, but then if I see and kids or babies on TV upset and suffering I’m an absolute wreak. Contradictions again!

Taking your child home for the first time: We had a long labour resulting in a Caesarian section, I can’t use the word ‘emergency’ - it’s scaremongering. Yes it was a bit hairy for a while but we all came out of it absolutely fine, and our son, so far, is a healthy happy little boy and that’s the main thing.

Due to the nature of our birth we had to stay in hospital for 5 nights so we were incredibly happy to be told we could go. It took 3 trips to the car with all the paraphernalia we had accumulated from our stay in hospital, the final one with our little baby. It was a mixture of excitement and fear. The drive home was like a scene out of a video game, cars driving at us, pensioners walking out in front of us, buses careering towards us, terrifying obstacles everywhere, Elliott oblivious to it all. We managed to see the funny side though, a good blueprint to adapt to!

The best/worst advice: Best advice was a short book called ‘Helping your Baby to sleep’ by Siobhan Mulholland, quick read and to the point which is what was needed after many nights of little sleep, verging on the point of irrational strategies to end the sleep deprivation.

Also, a friend told us not to keep things too quiet at night as they did, otherwise your baby will get used to the silence and wake up at the least little noise. So far Elliott sleeps, mostly, through anything.

Worst advice - all the other books! (I did say a big bag of contradictions). Too long to read, too nazi, too awful, just not for me/us. All babies are different, I can’t understand how one book can determine all babies. Surely they need to be respected and therefore treated as individuals? I know they work for a lot of people but not for us. I launched ‘The Contented Little Baby’ out the window it annoyed me so much and that was only after reading about 5 pages of it, and then had to go out in pajamas to pick it up. If you are going to read the books, maybe do it before the baby arrives, I was too tired and busy feeding to read a big massive book and a boring one at that.

One minute I was praising the hospital staff and wanting to buy them all presents, the next we were being given terrible awful contradictory advice. One midwife told us we had to insert a laxative into our 7 day old son, can you imagine having to hold down your terrified screaming kid and force this thing into him only because you’ve been told to do so by a ‘professional’. The next day a different mid-wife came along to tell us what we did hadn’t been needed and asked why did we do it. I think she must have seen the look on my face, as she quickly did a back-track and said it wasn’t so bad. Too late, I was already thinking of ways to hide her body after I’d strangled her, I didn’t though, we moved on.

Pretty soon after that I decided I wasn’t going to be doing anything else without asking a lot of questions before hand, luckily Elliott didn’t seem to be too scarred from the incident, but we were. We can and do laugh about it now but it was really upsetting at the time. I was livid with myself because I was so afraid of doing the wrong thing and I'd trusted the people who were supposed to know more than me. I should have spoken out and listened to my instincts.

I don’t have my Mother to ask all the usual questions or any other family near by but we do have brilliant well informed mates with first hand experience, who, so far have always been spot-on when I’ve asked for help/advice. I’m eternally grateful for this.

The hardest parts of being a mother: It was a while before I got to hold our son, they took him away to check all was well and we made nervous small talk until we heard a yelp, then they brought him over, just as I was asking my partner what he was doing with the rest of the weekend (that must have been the epidural talking). Jon held him first then was ushered out while they finished patching me up, so it was a while before I actually got to hold him. I remember saying ‘Cheers everyone’ to all the theatre staff, like they’d just bought me a pint; I don’t think it had actually hit me that now I was a Mother, it was quite an eventful beginning.

So, when I finally did get to hold Elliott, I didn’t feel that rush of love that you hear about. Everything seemed to be, ‘right just get on with it’ and mechanical and this is your life now. It was all ‘do this’ and ‘do that’ and none of that soft focus coochy moment you think there might be, us all gazing at each other, none of that.
Now, of course I don’t think now it would be possible to love our little boy any more and I do feel guilty that I didn’t have that ‘rush’, I also feel guilty about many many other things; is he eating healthily, is he getting enough exercise, is being stimulated enough, is he being too stimulated!!! I even feel guilty for feeling guilty and worry that I worry too much but apparently that’s all part of being a mother.

Trying to stop swearing is hard - I’ve got a bit of a potty mouth so having to curb that is proving, at times, somewhat of a challenge. The partying was easy to stop, I was bored of that anyway but the swearing, proving a bit difficult!

The best parts of being a mother: The laughs, the little games he loves to play, those little legs running, normally away from me, his happy little face first thing in the morning going in to get him up, last thing at night doing the bedtime routine, teaching him new stuff, seeing him take that stuff in and being able to do it.

Dancing round the kitchen with him, throwing him on the bed, chasing him about which he loves. Just hanging out with him is ace; he’s such a funny little person and is always trying to make us laugh. I do feel very very lucky to have this, 95% of the time is just brilliant, the routines and rituals he has, his smell, his hands, his feet, do I need to go on….it probably sounds pathetic, but I can’t help it, he is just so amazing, the good times definitely outweigh the bad and it’s really not all worry worry guilt guilt.

I think we’re lucky with our timing, deciding to do this later on, I just feel ready, and it’s the best job ever.

Hopes for your family: That we always get on, that we always love each other and are happy and healthy. In years to come if we go through tough times I hope I remember to look back to these days, at how happy, contented and grounded we all are as a family.
I also hope we fulfill our job to bring Elliott up to be a good person, who’ll be happy and thoughtful of others.

Any advice you offer to new and expectant mums: Do it your own way, you may not think or feel you know what you are doing, but I reckon there is something that just naturally kicks in. The crying won’t last forever so just grit your teeth and get some earplugs.
Don’t be afraid to speak out if you’re not happy with the way you are being treated by one of the many professionals you will come across, you don’t have to be rude but it may save a lot of stress to question something you feel uneasy with.
He or She is YOUR baby; no one else’s and no one else knows them better than you.
Try to retain a sense of humor; after all, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, so they say!

Monika and Isabelle

2011-11-10T07:09:00.000-08:00

Name: Monika

Child: Isabelle, 2 yrs (Schmoo2 is due in May 2012)

Location: Manchester.

Expectations of Motherhood: I was really lucky as I have 2 younger sisters and also some very close friends who had babies a while before I did. As a result I think I was a lot better prepared for what was to come than many of my friends. I was expecting to feel exhausted beyond sanity and I was expecting to miss being spontaneous for example. I'm really pleased I did 'know' that was coming, as otherwise I think that would have been a real shock.

I always knew I wanted to be a mum but that I'd like to start around the age of 30. I never wanted to be a young mum, which some of my friends really did. I was very lucky to meet the right man when I did, which gave us the chance to be together as a couple for a few years without the added pressure of feeling the biological clock ticking. We both felt ready for parenthood at the point we decided to try for a baby.

Reality of Motherhood: I hadn't expected pregnancy to be quite as hard as it was. With my first pregnancy I bled a lot in the first few months, and so had several trips to the hospital thinking I was having a miscarriage. The emotional exhaustion of this seriously took its toll on me. I was also sick every day for about 20 weeks, and I remember at times consoling myself when lying on the sofa with a bucket in my hands that the sicker I felt the more pregnant I must be! I remember being so dizzy that I couldn't stand up in the shower, and wasn't safe to drive anywhere. That experience made me wait longer than I perhaps would have to try for a second baby as the idea of dealing with all of that while looking after a child was daunting to say the least.

The rollercoaster didn't stop there. At 16 weeks we had the blood test to check for downs, and I vividly remember the phonecall that came telling us we were 'very' high risk. Our 'numbers' came back as a 1 in 50 chance of our baby having downs, which was a real shock. I hadn't expected there to be so few answers for us. I knew that I didn't want an amnioscentesis, and yet that was all the midwife was able to talk to us about. There seemed to be so little information about how that statistic was arrived at and what might affect the numbers, or how they know the difference between the 5% false positive result, and what would be one of the 49 babies without downs. I felt very vulnerable at that time and unsupported by the medical staff because I just couldn't get any answers to my questions. I spent a long time looking up local support groups, and it made me feel a lot better knowing they were there if I were to need them. I felt incredibly lucky that my husband and I felt the same about how to proceed and wanted to make the same decisions. I remember feeling very sympathetic to any couples who found themselves in that situation who disagreed with each other about what to do next.

So far my second pregnancy couldn't be more different. I haven't been sick, and the dizzyness hasn't been as extreme. We've just had our first scan and all seems to be progressing well. We declined the test this time.

The reality of motherhood once Isabelle was born was in large part what I was expecting. Isabelle didn't sleep through the night for about 7 months, and for a long time was feeding almost every 1.5 - 2 hours, including at night. I really was exhausted. The combined exhaustion and wonder of it all meant that there were days and days where I just looked at her, and studied her face when she was sleeping. I remember people telling me that sleep would be interrupted and to sleep when baby sleeps. People who said that made me want to scream by the end of the first few weeks. I just couldn't put Isabelle down for about 5 weeks. I remember doing the 'pick up put down' thing and settling her and then popping her in her moses basket, but she would only sleep when she was being cuddled. She would cry and cry and cry otherwise. In the end my husband and I would tag team the night shift to try and make sure we both got some sleep. So I was up til about 3am and then he would get up. The time she first slept an hour in her moses basket I actually did a little dance. She didn't have naps in her cot during the day until after she started nursery and they all did it there. Luckily she does now still have a nap, which means that finally I can sleep when baby sleeps and have an afternoon nap if I need one!

Taking your child home for the first time:
I gave birth at 5am and remember getting onto the ward at 7am, just when the curtains were being opened, breakfast started coming round and everyone was rising for the day. All I wanted to do was close my eyes, but a steady stream of people would come by, from the photographer to the ear test lady to the person asking what I wanted for lunch etc. I decided by about 8am that I didn't want to stay in hospital and just wanted to get home as fast as I could. It took til 4pm for us to be able to leave and I was getting really impatient to get off the ward and into the privacy and quiet of my home. I remember wanting to sit in the back of the car with Isabelle on the way home to be close to her. We had said no overnight visitors for the first couple of weeks, as we just didn't know how we would feel, but I really enjoyed having a steady stream of people popping in to see us. People were brilliant and brought us food, and did the washing up and just came and talked and offered company, which was perfect. I couldn't really walk much for the first two weeks and so having friends come and entertain us while I sat on the sofa was perfect. I remember the first night being both wonderful and daunting, and we were in the middle of a heatwave, and I remember having no idea about how to make sure her temperature was right. Would she be in a draught if we open the window? Will she be too hot if we don't? And the reality of what a sleepless night actually means. I was very glad I was at home, and very glad Tom was there next to me, rather than being on a ward by myself.

The best/worst advice: Everyone offers an opinion. The most frustrating thing is those people who tell you things as fact. That something would work for every baby is nonsense, and so much of it is feeling your way and using your instinct and finding what works for you and also for your child.
I would say the main thing is to take help where it is offered. Or demand it if needed. If at the beginning people want to come and see you and meet the new baby, get them to bring lunch with them and if they offer to wash up - let them! It makes having visitors far more enjoyable. Everyone pitching in a little is so much better than you trying to juggle everything yourself. You have more important things to focus on.
My NCT group was a wonder, and we are still in touch and see each other most weeks now. It gave us all a group to share experiences, and often it was a relief to know other mothers were experiencing the same thing, or just to collapse on the sofa with a group of people just as exhausted as I was and completely understanding of what that means. The days could sometimes have felt very long without them.

The hardest parts of being a mother: I have found the hardest part came after maternity leave. I am a freelancer now but find my industry doesn't lend itself well to being balanced with motherhood. This came as a bit of a shock to me, as I've always thought arts and charity work are so pro the work/life balance that it would be relatively easy to work part time. The trouble is that so many aspects of this work are festival and/or evening based, that having a child in nursery 3 days a week doesn't give me the flexibility I need to make some of the work happen.
I used to go and see many live performances in literature and theatre, and go to talks and debates and networking evening. I miss the cultural offerings around Manchester, and I know I need to find a way to create a better balance with arts/culture and motherhood.

The best parts of being a mother: I love motherhood. I love discovering Isabelle's personality. She is incredibly fun to be around and it is a delight to see her discovering language and to see her sense of humour develop. She is excellent company and I'm very excited to see how she responds to being a big sister when the time comes next year.
I enjoy discovering the world from a new angle myself too. In showing the world to Isabelle and watching her discoveries and her delight I find I'm inspired and filled with wonder again myself, especially by things I forget to notice now because they have become ordinary.

Hopes for your family: That we continue to enjoy each other's company.
I also hope that I will be able to pay enough attention to Isabelle and the new baby next year. I want to feel that I'm giving enough attention, but also that I am experiencing enough of my children too.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Use your support networks, whether in person or online - find what works for you. Motherhood is wonderful but it is also extremely hard, and asking for help is a good thing to do.
Your instinct is the best tool you'll ever develop, so make sure you listen to it.
Your child is an individual and so are you. You can have all sorts of ideas about the kind of mother you will be, but you may be surprised by how your child responds. Don't be frightened of trying something completely different.

Monika Neall is a freelance community engagement manager in Manchester.
*She specialises in marketing, outreach and engagement strategies and projects.
*She provides corporate social responsibility consultancy for SMEs.
*www.the-pebble.co.uk

Tamasin and Fabienne

2011-11-10T02:48:00.000-08:00

Name: Tamasin

Child: Fabienne, 22mths

(18 months in photos)

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I always knew it would be really hard work but the most rewarding experience at the same time. I just never realised just how difficult and exhausting it would be and just how utterly amazing it would be!

I work with children and have much younger siblings therefore thought I had realistic expectations of looking after children...turns out I was wrong! I don't think anything could have ever prepared me for motherhood. Things are so totally different when it's your own child (and when you are their tired round-the-clock carer!)

I had high expectations for the 'skin to skin time', the 'sudden rush of love' and expected to be crying etc when Fabienne was born. The truth is I was exhausted after being in labour for three days and felt 'out of it' and numb (partly down to all the pain relief I said I'd never have!). They showed Fabienne to me briefly when she first 'arrived' then whisked her away as they wanted to check her over after the lengthy labour and traumatic delivery. I remember having eye contact with her for a second and thinking that she didn't look how I'd imagined. They took her into another room and my first spark of mothers instinct kicked in.... I insisted Josh went in and watched what they were doing. It wasn't until a day or so later though that I felt the overwhelming love for Fabienne and the extreme desire to look after her and protect her and I cried.

Reality of Motherhood: It's a real shock to the system and a steep learning curve! You do what you need to do!

Examples:
1.The plan was that Fabienne would sleep in a cot next to our bed, and we would move her into her own room when she was approximately 6 months old. The reality is that she didn't sleep a night in her cot until she was 13 months old, she slept with us until then. She is 22 months now and has her own bed, but this is still in our room...and she still often climbs in with us during the night!
2.The plan was that I'd breast feed until around 6 months but express so that Josh could help with the feeding. The reality is that I breastfed until Fabienne was 14 months old, Fabienne never took a bottle and I never seemed to get time to express anyway!

It's extremely tiring though and you do need to find some time to look after yourself and your relationship with your partner. I'm still struggling to find the right balance to be honest.

It's the best thing I've ever done and feel as though my life has more meaning now. I feel like I've found my place and have more of a purpose.

Taking your child home for the first time: Fabienne and I had been in hospital together for 8 days after her birth so we'd become a little unit and had learned to cope really well in one room with midwives and nurses always around to answer my questions. So taking her home was daunting. It was January, snowy, dark, and freezing cold. When we got outside everything felt surreal. The world felt different. I was so excited to take Fabs home but extremely nervous I was going to do things wrong. I was extremely conscious of her temperature, constantly trying to assess whether she was too hot or cold. I was scared that we would put the car seat in wrong, and once we were on our way kept asking Josh to drive really carefully. I was relieved when we got her home safely. I remember being in our house, just looking over at Josh, then at Fabi and just feeling overwhelmed with responsibility!

The best/worst advice:
Worst: 'you need to give her a dummy', 'just let her cry it out', ' you need to put her down'
Best: Trust your instincts, do what feels right for you

The hardest parts of being a mother: It can be so emotionally painful! The worry that at something bad will happen to her, or to me or her dad. I just want to look after her every second of every day forever!!!!

- Trusting yourself.

The tiredness is hard too, you're never ever really off duty...and won't ever be again it seems!!

- Having to let go sometimes, I found it incredibly difficult to go back to work and leave Fabi after my maternity leave. I was able to go back part time and I found a brilliant childminder though which made things a little easier. I hate being apart from Fabienne but I love to see how excited she gets when I come to pick her up, and it makes me cherish all the time we do have together even more.

The best parts of being a mother:

The overwhelming, all encompassing love for my baby girl.

Seeing her with her daddy.

The 'proud mummy' moments!

Watching her grow and develop and seeing her individuality evolve.

Watching her playing and hearing her laughing.

The kisses and cuddles.....hope they never stop!

Being the one who can make things better when she's upset or hurt.

Reading and singing with her and having our interesting and funny little chats.

Seeing how proud she is when she's learned something new.

Waking up to her beautiful little voice and her beautiful little self

Hopes for your family: That Fabienne continues to be such a happy little soul, and that she is able to fulfill her dreams.

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with a baby boy, so I hope that Fabienne and her little brother like and love each other and have a happy childhood together.

That Josh and I can provide a safe, happy, stable, loving, stimulating life for our children.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: To trust your own instincts and to do what feels right for you, your baby and your family. Everyone is different and you can't compare your experience as a mother to anyone elses.

I spent a lot of time worrying about the birth, I googled video's to prepare.....if you're doing this or thinking of doing this...DON'T!! Each birthing experience is completely different. Yes it hurts but it's manageable and you get through it. I had a fairly traumatic labour and birth and as you've probably heard people say before within no time I was saying that I'd do it again....I was actually very proud of myself afterwards! Additionally it's such a small part of the motherhood experience that after you've shared your birth story with your new 'mummy' friends it's all over and you move on to discussing what your little one is or isn't doing...... and that is the what you will talk about forever more!

Make friends with local mums, go to groups. Surestart centres are brilliant. It's weird at first, it's like going back to starting school again and can be a bit daunting, but everyone is in the same boat and going through the same things. You can ask advice, help each other and have fun keeping busy together during your maternity leave. I don't know what I would have done without the group of mums that I met, they became great friends and I think we'll always be in touch since we went through such a life changing time together and it really is lovely to see all our little ones growing up.

And the old favourites:
Rest up as much as you can before the birth there is no chill time afterwards!
Try to enjoy every second they really do grow so fast!

I chose to have the photo's taken in/on our bed as it was the centre of our lives for at least the first year of Fabienne's life and continues to feature heavily. We all slept there together, I fed her there, I read to her there, we cuddle there, I change her and dress her there, we have 'toastie time' there, we play there, we sing there...the list goes on!

Carolyn and Charlie

2011-11-10T02:20:00.000-08:00

Name: Carolyn

Child: Charlie, 8 months
Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I didn't really know what to expect from motherhood as it's not something you can imagine. I was so absorbed in feeling ill and hormonal when I was pregnant it was hard to remember there was a baby in there at times. I was actually really surprised when they plopped the baby on my stomach after giving birth because I just couldn’t get my head round the fact he was really in there.

I'd wanted a baby for a long time but we waited until it was the right time for us in terms of work/ money etc. I didn't think too much abut my expectations, I just knew I'd always wanted a family.

Reality of Motherhood: The shock of it all hit me quite hard. After one night in labour, another night actually having Charlie and then another night in hospital with babies screaming all night, I was exhausted from the beginning. I also lost a lot of blood and was really anaemic and dizzy. Charlie and I also found breastfeeding really difficult, which I had not prepared for at all.

I felt a bit jealous that my husband bonded with Charlie instantly, because I didn’t enjoy much of the first few weeks because it was so difficult to get him breastfeeding. I’m really proud of their relationship now though, although I’m still a teeny bit jealous of how much he loves his daddy!

My mum came over to help the day after we got home from hospital and didn't leave for a week!

I struggled on with the breastfeeding for three months but once I'd got Charlie bottle feeding and my husband could help out at night times, it was a massive relief.

Now Charlie is eight months old he's just an adorably happy bundle of cuteness and motherhood is amazing. Before I had a baby, I knew that you'd love your baby unconditionally - but I didn't prepare for the 'cute factor'. That you could just think something was just the most adorable thing and every single thing they do is ridiculously cute.

Taking your child home for the first time: In true disorganised fashion, we hadn't practised using the car seat, so were completely baffled at how to loosen the straps enough to get Charlie in there. Luckily the chap with the women opposite me in hospital had practised thoroughly and offered to help us. I must add that Halfords had taught us how to strap the seat into the car properly though!

We didn't have much time to dwell on the enormity of the situation when we arrived home as both our families descended on us and then my best friends arrived so we had a lovely day.

The best/worst advice: I repeatedly badgered my friends with kids on how they dealt with things, which was possibly a bit annoying for them but very useful for me. I also read books incessantly, which really helped. I liked to read books on every style of parenting and then make up my own mind.

We ended up doing the Gina Ford routine, which I really liked because it meant if anyone else looked after Charlie they didn’t need to figure out when to feed him or when he needed to sleep. I don’t really understand the criticism of the routine really – if it doesn’t suit you or your baby then just don’t do it!

Completely ignore advice that you don’t feel is right. As the mum, you always know best.

I suppose the best advice is something that everyone says, which is enjoy and remember every moment because the first year goes (or is going!) so fast.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Obviously the lack of sleep at the beginning is the hardest thing ever and the relentless feeding, burping and changing cycle is just never-ending. But now I don't feel there's anything which is hard - apart from letting the grandparents have him because I miss him too much!

The best parts of being a mother: Just having a little buddy with you all the time is great fun. Charlie really makes you work hard for a laugh, so when he does giggle you really feel special. I also love seeing him change and develop every week.

Hopes for your family: That he continues to be a happy and bubbly little person and enjoys life.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Just go with the flow and the hardest part won't last that long. Try to enjoy them when they're tiny because in a few months it will be hard to imagine anything that tiny again!

Don’t stress too much about breastfeeding, whether they’re sleeping enough, or anything else. Every baby is so different and we can only do our best.

If you don’t want visitors, just tell people that. We banned visitors for a couple of weeks because we were just so exhausted, the thought of making someone a cup of tea AND then washing it up was too much.

Carolyn Hughes is a freelance PR and copywriter in Manchester. She also writes the blog Manchester Is Ace and has just launched Little Dudes, a blog about things to do with babies, toddles and kids in Manchester.

Den and Harry

2011-11-09T06:35:00.000-08:00

Name: Denise
Child: Harry, 5
Location: Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: My husband and I had been determined that we wanted to live out a perfect fairytale. We'd been together for a long time and marriage had been important to us. The next natural step was to have children. As children who'd both been born as accidents and from unconventional families, it was important for us to do things 'the right way'. Looking back, the fairytale couldn't have turned out any more differently to our expectations. I'm a single parent now and I'm having to write a new story, and so in retrospect none of that actually mattered.

Never in a million years had I expected to become a single mum. We'd been obsessed with doing 'the right thing' as a couple and doing what made us look like the perfect family, but in the end it just didn't work out like that. It sounds crazy now, to think I was so conservative in my attitude towards becoming a parent.

Reality of Motherhood: The bubble burst immediately at Harry's birth in a traumatic 18hr labour. Harry was in the wrong position - back to back - and was eventually delivered by emergency C-section. It made me reconsider all of my original expectations of motherhood. After 3 days of trauma and looking after this new little thing, finally coming out of the haze, I fell in love with him. For days I'd felt disconnected because of everything that had happened in the birth. Then finally it was like a little door in my heart opened - I like to call it my 'John Malkovich door'. As an adult you expect that you've experienced every emotion, but you really haven't until you feel this unconditional love for your child. I imagine people have more children because it's like a drug addict harking back to their first high. If you could buy that love as a drug, you'd be unbelievably rich.

Motherhood now, as a single mum, has meant a real change in my life, but I have realised that the fairytale can be rewritten and our relationship has developed into something really special.

Taking your child home for the first time: We were kept in hospital for 5 days. By the time we left they had diagnosed Harry with hole in his heart and we were told that eventually he would need an operation. Returning home was tinged with the worry of not knowing exactly what was wrong. We found ourselves dealing with the emotions of being new parents, sharing the same experiences as other new parents, but at the same time being scared stiff because of what was potentially going to happen to our poorly baby.

I tried to enjoy him as much as possible in those early months. I indulged in doing the things you can do as a new mum - not having to get dressed, eating cake, etc. Other people expected me to look after them when they'd descend on us, but I wanted us to be spoilt. It's a strange bubble you're in while midwives, health visitors and parents-in-law breeze through your door on a daily basis. I really enjoyed feeling special for those first few weeks, and then it hit me that I was going to smell of sour milk for the next few months. I remember one occasion when I was in the supermarket with my new born baby, and everyone was smiling and looking at me. I felt so proud with my beautiful boy. At the checkout I remember seeing milk all over the till and in reporting it to the assistant. Her eyes glanced down to my chest - it was me!

Harry had open heart surgery at 5 mths, and it was a totally weird experience. Up till then he'd lived as a relatively normal baby boy. I remember becoming obsessed with breast feeding - I'd originally felt like I didn't want to be bullied into it, but when it transpired that he was ill I did become a bit evangelical about the whole thing. It was the best medicine he could have and as a fairly helpless parent it was the one thing I could do to help the situation. I knew that the bigger and stronger he could be for his operation, the better.

Harry was in Alder Hey for 3 weeks and we stayed with him during that time apart from the 3 days when he was in intensive care. That time really opened my eyes to how lucky we were. I remember one time when I was making pot noodle in the hospital kitchen and came across a dad who was making a full sunday roast for his family in the kitchen. I said, "you're pushing the boat out, aren't you?" and he explained that they'd been in there for 18 mths with his daughter and he was trying to regain some normality. His daughter had a brain injury and he didn't know when they'd be leaving.
We were so lucky because Harry could be mended, and it was that moment when I went from, "why me?" to "we're so lucky". After his operation he recovered quickly and has managed to live life as a healthy little boy since.

Best and worst advice: There's no one piece of advice that has stuck out to me, but it's important to discuss problems with friends. Everyone has their own pearls of wisdom but not everyone finds the same thing works for them. Trust your instincts.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Nobody tells you that at some point you will really dislike (almost hate) your child. You'll love them, but you really don't like them, and that's ok and normal. Our relationship has changed since I've become a single mum because I have to be 'good cop' and 'bad cop' now. He can go to his dad and experience purely good times, whereas I have to lay down the rules and discipline him.

Recently the lines have blurred slightly between being a parent and child - in earnest, I probably discuss more with him than I should but I like to be very open with him because we're a team. I don't have to share him with anyone as a single parent - I have to cope with the bad bits but I get all the good bits and those dark moments have made our relationship so much stronger.

I miss reminiscing with someone or sharing with someone about how amazing he is. I also can't ever leave a situation and get distance from being a mum, like just saying I need a bath or my own time. I don't have any family support nearby, but I have got a network of really good friends. Without them I wouldn't have been able to get through this. I'm much braver as a person now too, motherhood has shown me that I am quite strong and can get through things.

The best parts of being a mother: I love him, he's funny and has his own personality. He's
my best friend for life and we have a lovely relationship. He's also at an age where we can do fun things together like sneaking him into the cinema to see films he's not really supposed to. He's his own person and has an incredible personality and his own very valid opinion. I love that he's great company - for kids and adults - and he is genuinely funny. I'm so proud that he has created independent relationships with adults who are my friends, and these are relationships that exist because they honestly like each other. At first when we did things, just Harry and I, it felt like someone was missing for both of us. Recently it feels like we are a complete family, just us two.

Hopes for your family: I hope he'll be able to have a good relationship with his father.

I hope that he felt loved by us growing up.

I want him to always be happy in whatever he does and chooses to do - I think that's all that matters.

What advice would you give new and expectant mums:
- Listen to your own voice, don't be bullied by anyone.
- Don't buy into false expectations and fairytales.
- It's your book, you are the author, you have to write it.
- Whatever you choose to do, it's the right way.
- You can feed them all the organic purees you want, and give them a great mixed pallet of tastes, but by the age of two all they'll want to do is eat white food.
- Everything passes, everything is a phase.
- Enjoy it. Luxuriate into the first 6 mths, sleep when the baby sleeps and you'll get enough.
- Give in to being a mum and meanwhile don't feel bad about not being the best wife, lover, daughter, work colleague or project manager of your home renovations.
Take the time out the indulge in motherhood, this is the time to do it.

We get really hung up on what we should and shouldn't do, but all that matters is having a happy child. There's a tendency to buy into what people tell us to do in books, but people have been having babies for 1000s of years without them.

Lucy and Lara

2011-10-26T11:43:00.000-07:00

Name: Lucy

Child: Lara, 4 months

Location: Shaw

Expectations of Motherhood: Having children had always been a “Yeah one day” kind of thing, then magically that 'one day' arrived in early spring 2010. I just woke on a random Wednesday and felt ready and luckily fell pregnant fairly quickly. I expected what I think everyone expects of having a baby to be tired and highly strung and not really manage to change out of pyjamas on most days. But most of all I was excited and really looking forward to meeting my baby and bonding with her, I'd read the books, listened to all the advice and felt ready to welcome her into the world.

Reality of Motherhood: I really do love motherhood and I'm more relaxed than I ever thought I would be, Lara always comes first but I don't stress about things like I thought I would. I do have a routine that she sticks to and it works for us, so that is the only thing I ensure stays intact. But the grandmas have had her for a couple of hours – along with a huge list of instructions – I'm fine about friends and family holding her and even the enthusiasm of my 4 year old nephew doesn't get me worked up. I am confident that if Lara was unhappy she would let me know and if I'm unhappy in a situation I change that situation.

Taking your child home for the first time: After 3 nights in hospital, which I actually quite enjoyed – meals brought to me and a helpful midwife on hand – I was ready to return home. We wrapped our new bundle up, popped her in the car seat ready to venture out of the hospital and she just wouldn't stop crying. We spent about an hour in the hospital room nursing her and trying to get her quiet. Eventually she fell off to sleep and we were off. We arrived home in the afternoon. I don't really remember the specifics of that first day at home - we had a couple of visitors and Lara just cried and cried, so out came the dummy, but she wasn't really interested in that either. I fed her and she went off to sleep early evening, only to wake up just as we were going to bed. My wonderful husband said he would take care of her, as I had been on night duty every night in hospital and I really needed some sleep. He nursed her until 4am when she fell into a deep enough sleep enough to pop her into her crib and he could get a few hours shut eye. The next few day were a blur, but we got into a routine within a few days and here we are 4 months on.

The best/worst advice: The best piece of advice for me was to buy the Gina Ford book. I know it's not for everyone, but it has been a real guide for me and I love it! I can't think of the worst piece of advice, I probably just blocked it out!

The hardest parts of being a mother: The hardest part of being a mother for me is stopping myself doing things for Lara when she is learning to do it for herself. For example, the first time she rolled over she was having a right old struggle, make noises like she was bench pressing at the gym. I really wanted to just give her a little nudge, but I stopped myself and she did it all by herself and has been rolling over no problems since. I think this is something that will be with me all my life, it's a learning curve for me to let her find her own way in life.

The best parts of being a mother: The best part of being a mother is when Lara looks up at me when she wakes up in the morning, does a big yawn and then give me a huge grin and a giggle. It makes everything worth while.

Hopes for your family: We are just about to move into our first new house so it's exciting to be moving as a family and just taking our family life day by day all learning and growing together and expanding our family – in the future as Lara is only four months old!!!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Nothing can really prepare you for having a baby, but the best thing for me was having a read about what to expect once the baby arrives. A bit of advice and guidance in print really helped me, my mates had all had babies, but they seemed to have forgotten everything about having a new born – which I now have, so just having a book to hand really helped me.

I always thought I wanted a baby, sometime in the future, it was always a one day kind of thing, then I woke up one morning and thought – Oooh, the future has arrived. But I never realised how much I would love being a mum, before I had Lara I would coo at babies, but never pick them up, even my nephew, as I just never knew what to do with them. But since the first hours of having Lara everything seemed to click into place – obviously not the sleep deprivation and breast feeding, but it just felt instinctive, what to do when she cried and over the four months we have come to know each other better and better and I now understand - most of the time - what she wants and needs. It's fabulous.

Alex and Diolan

2011-10-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

Name: Alex

Child: Diolan, 22 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I thought I had realistic expectations of motherhood, I had hands on experience of looking after siblings and nieces. I knew it would be challenging and there would be sleepless nights, but I had always wanted to be a mum and couldn't wait for my baby to be born.

Reality of Motherhood: I thought I knew the realities of motherhood but I didn't have a clue, I really don't think anyone could prepare you though. The second night in hospital was an eye opener; Diolan was born at 2am and that first night didn't cry and mostly slept. The second night he fed on and off all though the night. I went over to the midwives and told them what was happening (half expecting them to say this was wrong and to sort the issue out) and the midwife, who had obviously heard ridiculous questions like this before with other first time mums, said, "Yes love, that's what babies do." There began my steep learning curve.

The first two weeks were great, my partner was off and we were exhausted but laughed a lot and spent loads of time in bed with Diolan (it was winter). The next 10 weeks were a mix of laughter, tiredness, some tears and gradual growing confidence in beginning to understand my son. My family don't live near me so the Surestart was a complete lifesaver, I met other first time mums like me and we shared our experiences and became a support for each other. It was great to hear other mums were experiencing the same things as me.

Just after Diolan was 3 months he stopped gaining weight and developed a terrible skin condition, the next 7 weeks were the most challenging of my life, he was failing to thrive, feeding constantly and waking every hour through the night. At 6 months he was only 12lb, my confidence was totally shaken, I felt helpless. It was an interesting time though because I really felt the problem was allergy, my first experience of mothers instinct. I was breast feeding and went dairy free to see if it helped - it didn't. All the medical professionals I saw said it wouldn't be the breast feeding and to keep going. I finally got an appointment with a pediatrician and he gave us some hypo-allergenic formula to try. Diolan's symptoms cleared up almost over night, it was an allergy. Since then I have had more confidence in my instincts. I think the reality is that you are ultimately responsible for this new life, when you are looking after siblings or nieces etc. you don't carry this responsibility.

Taking your child home for the first time: I had to stay in over night so I was keen to get home, it took ages to get discharged. We didn't really have a clue how to put the car seat in, but once we were off I thought it would be a good idea to nip into Mothercare on the way home to get tiny baby babygrows. I remember the shop assistant asked me when I was due, she looked a bit shocked when I said I had given birth the day before - I wasn't looking my best. When we got home we just held Diolan for ages, we were both in awe of him.

The best/worst advice: Trust your instincts!!! The worst advice for me was let them cry - you can only do what you feel comfortable with. Because of Diolan's allergies his sleep patterns were all over the place, he was waking up a lot in the night and many people said to let him cry it out. I couldn't do it. It did take a lot longer to get him to sleep through but I'm glad we did it our way and stuck it out.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The lack of sleep; I ended up fainting for the first time in my life at a Gala dinner when Diolan was about 10 months. When I went back to work I continued to do all the night time shifts and all the other day to day care because my partner works long hours. I didn't ask anyone for help and ended up exhausted. Going back to work was hard, not only the guilt at leaving my baby but also the lack of confidence I felt going back to work so exhausted. Finding time for your relationship too can be tricky and appreciating each others different journey as parents.

The best parts of being a mother: Even though we had some tough times, I have love being a mum, I love watching my son grow and develop his own character. I love his laughter and his dancing, I also love watching my son with his dad and our families - he is doted on by my four sisters, he is the only boy on our side of the family and is totally ruined.

Hopes for your family: To continue to laugh and have fun, I hope for Diolan to continue to be a happy confident boy with space to develop and grow.

Any advice you'd offer to new and expectant mums: I really don't think that you can prepare people for the reality of motherhood, I think it is amazing and hard work in equal measures. Take all offers of supports - don't try to do it on your own. Be open and honest about your experiences and you will often find that most other mums feel like you. Use the Surestarts, I have made some great new friends that I met at the Surestart. Try to enjoy every moment because it goes so fast, this helped me get through the tough times, I tried to enjoy every stage because they grow and change so quickly.

Becky and Eleanora

2011-10-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

Name: Becky

Child: Eleanora

Expectations of motherhood: My expections of motherhood were not quite as straight forward as I’d hoped as I had a very difficult pregnancy and was in and out of hospital throughout. To cut a long story short, me and Eleanora are both extremely lucky to both be here.

It meant a very difficult start; having 2 weeks on the neo-natal unit and being told what I could and couldn’t do with my daughter. This was very hard and any first instincts got pushed to one side. However, my expectations of being able to enjoy my child and be at home with her to watch her grow into a beautiful little girl have reached beyond belief. I never realised how much I would learn from her and how quickly she would learn from me. Watching her grow, from feeding herself to dressing herself and how pleased she is with herself to have achieved something - makes me the proudest mum.

Reality of being a mother It hit me when I realised that this little person needed me and was completely dependant on me. As Eleanora has grown she has continued to amaze me and I am always surprised by how independent she wants to be. As hard as it is I realise that I have to step back and let her do things for herself, and that she is becoming a very bright, confident little girl who I can be very proud of!

Taking you child home for the first time: When we took Ellie home for the first time I found it very strange as I’d had two weeks of being told what I could and couldn’t do with my own baby and all instincts had been pushed to the back of my mind by that time. I felt as if I had to relearn all my instincts again! But I found I enjoyed every moment of being on my own with her at long last and I could finally start to get know my baby.

The best/worst advice: When I came home I felt I had to check everything by ringing my mum or my mum in law - my mum said to me, "You have instincts, use them. You know your own baby better than anyone!" and, "enjoy every moment because I really don’t know where the time has gone." I try to enjoy every moment as it really is precious.

The hardest parts of being a mum: Probably the lack of sleep. I went back to work when Eleanora was 15 months old, and to spend as much time with her as possible I worked in the evenings. The shifts were quite late which meant I didn’t get home till gone 11.30pm some nights, and having to carry on on with a routine as normal or having been up all night with teething or illness, I often felt a walking zombie (but I wouldn’t have changed anything as it meant I could still be an almost full time mum).

The best parts of being a mum: I really wouldn’t really know where to start! I love watching Eleanora grow into a beautiful, confident little girl. Children are like sponges, they soak up so much information so quickly and I’m finding I’m not really having to teach as such, she just watches and learns so much from everyday life. I love it when when we have our own time, simple things like we’ll have a bath or take the dog for a walk and just talk about anything and everything.

Eleanora loves anything about the outdoors - she is so active. I love watching her taking in the environment around us if we’re in the fields or in the woods. She always manages to spot flowers or mushrooms. Everything is an adventure and I find I get to relive my second childhood and learn new things I may have missed out on the first time round!

Hope for your family: I hope Eleanora continues to live and love life as she has done and I hope she will be happy in all she does. I hope to have another child so that she can grow up enjoying the company and have a closeness a sibling may bring - but for the time being she enjoys having a pet dog and has learnt to share and play with him as she would have having a sibling. The only thing she did point out is that he won’t count when playing hide and seek!

Any advice for new or expectant mums: The only advice I can give is that a child doesn’t ask to be born, you choose to have a baby so enjoy every moment as it is truly precious. Time really does go far too quick and you will never get those years back. Also as much as people say there are text books you can read, its rubbish. Do what you're comfortable doing and remember you don’t have to listen to those who think they know it all.

Amy and Ella

2011-10-18T04:58:00.000-07:00

Name: Amy

Child: Ella, 11 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of motherhood: I have, for as long as I can remember, wanted to be a mum. Falling pregnant with Ella was a surprise. Ian and I had been together 9 years and often spoke of starting a family, but we were planning on it being a few years further down the line. Ella had other ideas! We are the first of our friends to have a baby so I didn’t have anyone close to me I could talk to about pregnancy, labour or looking after a baby.

I think my expectations were pretty realistic. I was aware of the sleep deprivation, dirty nappies and complete lifestyle changes we were going to have to make as well as the many baby related items we would need to invest in (much to Ian’s surprise!). We decided not to find out the sex until the birth. One of my biggest expectations, looking back, was to have a happy, healthy baby.

Reality of motherhood: My introduction to motherhood was a little difficult. Ella was born 3 weeks early on Friday November 26th 2010 at 6.15pm after a relatively short and very straightforward labour. It never crossed either of our minds that anything was, or could be wrong. She struggled to breastfeed after her birth, and I was given help overnight to cup feed her by a student midwife. Looking back, during that night I must have seen every member of staff that was on duty. They came in by ‘accident’, to fetch equipment or because I had pressed the call bell. Despite their differing reasons for being in the room, they all came and looked at Ella. This didn’t strike me as odd at the time, but with hindsight, I now understand why.

The next day, we received the news that Ella was displaying several features of a baby with Down’s Syndrome. Shock and devastation set in and a million and one questions immediately started racing through our heads. This wasn’t at all what we had expected. Instead of taking our beautiful girl home, we had to re-adjust our hopes and dreams and face up to a future of uncertainty.

A heart scan showed she also had a hole in her heart, which up to 50% of babies with Down’s Syndrome have. We were told this was manageable with medication but that she would need surgery to close the hole when she was 4-6 months old.

Taking your children home for the first time: Ella spent the first two weeks of her life in hospital as we tried to establish feeding. I found it a really difficult time being a nurse, who had - more importantly - just become a mummy to a poorly baby. The clinical environment was familiar and comforting (although to other parents I can appreciate it's a very daunting and frightening experience).

Whilst we were in hospital, the nurses did a lot of Ella's cares and Ian was cup feeding her while I expressed milk for her next feed. I felt bereft and detached - neither a mum nor nurse. I didn't know what was expected of me and, at times, I didn't even feel like Ella was mine. Thankfully, this all changed once we were home and I was able to properly become a mum. By this time she was being bottle fed so I was now able to be involved at feeding times too.

We took her home one cold, early December evening and I remember having palpitations the entire car journey home. At the time we were living in a 2 bed apartment in town and I had fashioned the second bedroom into a nursery in anticipation of her arrival. It was the first room we took her into and I sat on the chair holding her for ages whilst she slept, not sure what I was supposed to do next. We soon got to know her different cries, the way she liked to be held and what would soothe and comfort her.

Looking back, it was a very strange time. We were determined from the start that Down’s Syndrome will never define Ella or what she is able to do. Keeping life as normal as possible in those first few weeks at home was important to us. Having friends visit, displaying ‘new baby’ cards and showing off our baby was what we did, even if we were still dealing with shock and grieving for the baby we imagined we would have.

However, looking back the shock of it all really didn’t last for long. We fell in love with Ella straight away. After all she was still a baby. Our baby. And she needed everything that any other baby needs. Feeding, comforting, nappy changes and love. Lots of love. There are so many worse conditions or problems she could have been born with, I felt grateful we had some idea of what we were up against from the start. Other parents aren’t so lucky.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I have received comes from my own mum, who as well as raising three of her own children is also a Health Visitor by profession. I have never read, nor do I own a single baby book – ‘you can read the books’ says my mum ‘but the baby won’t have!’. I think Ella has managed to re-write all the rule books anyway and we have survived so far without them.

And, through experience I have learnt that even if things don’t go to plan, your baby will always be perfect to you. This may not have been the path we would have chosen if we’d had a choice, but I wouldn’t change the last year for anything. I can’t imagine for one second my life without Ella and for whatever reason she came to be mine, I will be forever grateful. She has taught us so much in such a short time. We have learnt a lot about ourselves as individuals and as a couple and we are a much stronger unit since she arrived. It has also made us realise and appreciate what wonderful friends and family we have.
Trust your instincts and do what you feel is the right thing to do for your baby. I weaned Ella at 17 weeks, which some of the health professionals involved in Ella’s care didn’t agree with. She was NG fed from 7 weeks old, lost her sucking ability and developed a heightened gag reflex. I knew she needed the oral stimulation in order to develop her oral motor skills needed for feeding and also speech. At 11 months she has a peg tube (which we are hoping will be out before too long), but is eating well and drinks all her fluids from a cup. She has just started to get interested in feeding herself and enjoys a variety of tastes and textures.

The hardest parts of being a mother: I would say, for me the hardest part has been decision making and the responsibility of the consequences of those decisions. Ella lost 15% of her birth weight and we struggled to establish feeding. She was unable to breastfeed and we took the decision to start bottle feeding formula and expressed milk, which she initially took well to and we were allowed to take her home when she was 13 days old. At home, feeding times became increasingly stressful and erratic as she began to take less and less, most probably due to the hole in her heart which was tiring her. Her weight remained static for 4 weeks despite being on high calorie formula. We ended up having her admitted to hospital at 7 weeks old to have a nasogastric tube inserted to feed her with. Within 3 days she was already putting on weight and this has continued ever since.

On May 12th 2011 at Alder Hey Hospital, Ella underwent open heart surgery to repair her VSD (Ventricular Septal Defect - hole between the wall of the ventricles). Her op had been cancelled twice before, so it was third time lucky. I don't think I can explain how I felt, it's not something that is easily put into words. For the most part, survival mode kicks in and I pretty much ran on autopilot for the week she was in hospital. Even being a nurse and working in a clincial environment doesn’t prepare you for seeing your own child, so small and vulnerable, ventilated and hooked up to noisy machines. I remember wanting to run away but knowing I could never do that to her. I could manage about ten minutes at a time sitting and watching her. I knew she needed time to get better, but waiting was the hardest thing to do. I just wanted to scoop her up and cuddle her but I couldn't even do that. She was on ITU for two days (instead of just one) after a minor hitch that set her back 24hrs. Considering she had major surgery, she came through it very well.

After 2 days on ITU she was transferred to the ward and was discharged on day 6 post surgery. She has a 3-4 inch scar down her chest and a residual tricuspid valve leak which is being monitored. She has more energy now and has most definitely recovered much quicker than her mummy and daddy!

Following Ella’s diagnosis, I felt sure that life was never going to be the same again. This has proven to be true, but not for the reasons I worried about then. Most of the time, the worries I have and problems I have to solve are those shared by mums the world over and have more to do with motherhood than Down's Syndrome.

The best parts of being a mother: This is a hard question for me to answer. It’s only in the last few weeks that I have really begun to enjoy being a mum (typically, just before I went back to work). I have always loved Ella and loved being with her, we just didn’t get the easiest of beginnings. I feel I am only now beginning to pick myself up and dust myself off.

I do love taking her new places and showing her new things. And that first smile of the day – sends my heart fluttering every time. I feel a sense of pride when I am with her and like a part of me is missing when we are apart.

One of the rewarding things about having a baby with additional needs is that you are more aware of their achievements than you would be with a ’normal’ baby (whatever that is!). The smaller milestones that may be overlooked in other children are noticed, nurtured and valued, sometimes more so than the bigger ones.

When I look back to the sleepy, floppy baby I brought home from hospital, I can hardly believe she has come so far in just 11 months. For Ella life has, until recently been more about overcoming challenges than reaching milestones. I feel very lucky that we have met some lovely people - both professionals and other families – that we would never have met if Ella didn’t have Down’s Syndrome.

There will be hard times ahead.... there are already many hard times behind us. But I already know that the good times will always outweigh the hard times. She has taught me so much in such a short time and seeing life from a new perspective is a privilege that not many of us get the chance to experience.

Hope’s for your family: I hope.....

... Ella stays happy and healthy

... we can always be the parents that Ella deserves

... one day there will be less negativity surrounding Down’s Syndrome

... in time, I will feel ready to have another baby. I know that Ella will make the best big sister!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Babies are very resilient, there is no such thing as a routine and the first few weeks are the worst. Things will get easier! Accept offers of help, but make sure it’s on your terms and enjoy every second of your baby because time really does fly by.

Babies don’t come with an instruction manual, but you’re not supposed to know everything straight away either. If you want help, advice or answers then ask a friend, midwife or health visitor – it won’t be anything they haven’t been asked before.

Nobody likes to talk about it, but sometimes things do go wrong, life doesn’t turn out the way you had imagined and it’s hard. But as time goes on, the bad days do get fewer and further apart and through it all, life goes on.

Amy has a blog at: http://adifferentview-amy.blogspot.com

Elisabeth and Evie

2011-10-17T12:32:00.000-07:00

Name: Elisabeth

Child: Evie, 4.5 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I was not particularly maternal for most of my life, but things have a funny way of changing over time. I am one of those mid 30s late bloomers I guess! I initially approached motherhood as a task, probably because I’m an office manager by trade. There’s lots to do to get ready, and I threw myself into decorating the nursery, sorting out mountains of baby things and making sure I was stocked up with everything in advance. I also watched a whole series of One Born Every Minute to help prepare me psychologically for labour. It may sound silly, but as someone who had to turn over the channel when an ad for the show came on, being able to sit through footage of women in labour was quite an achievement.

I wasn’t really able to prepare for the reality of the birth and caring for a tiny baby though, beyond hoping for a healthy child and a “let’s see what happens” philosophy. I’m not sure it’s possible to do much more when it’s your first.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was pretty ill during and after my difficult labour, so I was kept in for two days for observation. I am a very private person by nature, so the noise of the ward really got to me. Although it was definitely special spending a lot of time alone with Evie, I was quite literally crawling the walls by the end. After I was discharged, we ended up having to wait a further 2 hours for some prescriptions. The midwife found me sitting impatiently on my bed with all my bags packed up!

I remember carrying Evie in her car seat across the foyer at St Mary’s, and being a bit freaked out by all the pregnant women waiting for their antenatal appointments. It was pouring rain outside but luckily a friend gave us a lift home. She stayed for a brew and after she left, the reality sank in and I thought: “What now?” I have a photo from that day of Rob typing one handed on his laptop, doing some work with our tiny Evie swaddled up in his arms. I was most likely conked out on the sofa in a daze!

Reality of Motherhood: Wonderful, but a bit like being hit by a truck a lot of the time. You often hear people say nothing could have prepared them for the reality of looking after a helpless, sweet but demanding newborn, and it’s true. The thing I struggled with the most initially was not being able to do simple things like wash up dishes or have a shower. I found it hugely frustrating, and craved some physical separation. But you do learn to adjust, and learn to do a lot of things one handed or with baby in a sling. In fact I am sat typing this with a wriggling, complaining Evie on my lap! But it is definitely important to try and get some childfree time for you each week, even an hour or two. It can make all the difference.

The best/worst advice: Not advice as such, but more of a mantra. When I would say I was struggling, friends kept telling me “It will get easier.” And it turned out to be true, although it didn’t help much at the time. One day (hopefully!) you will realise that your baby is taking longer between feeds in the day, or is sleeping a bit longer between nightfeeds. Or, in my case, she will eventually be content watching an episode of Waybuloo in her bouncer - which incidentally, is just long enough to whip up her baby porridge and, crucially, a strong cup of coffee for me. It’s a gradual process though; there are no quick fixes or overnight results.
I've had a few bits of unappreciated advice, but nothing I couldn't ignore. My only really negative experiences were with some of the midwives I came across. Many of them were fabulous, but there were some who really shouldn't be working in the field, in my opinion.

The hardest parts of being a mother: It’s been said a million times, but the sheer exhaustion is really hard work, especially the broken nights. As I’m the one on maternity leave, I took on a lot of the care to allow my partner to work. Sleep deprivation is like a deep fuzz that gradually clouds over your brain. You function, but you are not yourself. Adrenalin does keep you going for a while, but I read somewhere that the lack of sleep really gets to you after 4 months, and I have to agree. My mini workouts and healthy eating went back out the window and I had little motivation to get out for coffee meets or social events like I did when Evie was younger. The thing that brought it to a head was flying with Evie alone longhaul for my sister’s wedding - I was a broken woman. Babies and jet lag are not a good combination! Thankfully my partner and I are now able to share the nights and the difference it has made is HUGE! I’m starting to feel more myself, I’m much less irritable and I’m exercising again.

On a more personal level, I want to train up to a professional level in photography and it’s been really, really hard to find the time and energy to do much, although I have managed a couple of work experience days. Trying to concentrate on a manual or online tutorials with a lively baby is impossible, and I’m often too shattered to do it in the evenings. I think an outside course is going to be the only way to progress at the moment.

The best parts of being a mother: The surges of unconditional love. That first smile and giggle. Seeing her eyes light up when I come to get her in her cot at some ungodly hour. Feeling much more grown up and a real sense of purpose - it’s a big responsibility, but it has helped me to focus on what’s important. Getting compliments when we’re out walking as a family with Evie in the pram, and feeling oh-so proud.

Hopes for your family: We would love to move out of Manchester to a nice small town or village that would be a good place to raise a family. Ideally to a detached, spacious cottage on a lovely piece of land with no neighbours apart from some chickens. Need to win the lottery first though...

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Be really, really kind to yourself after the birth. It is a huge event, both emotionally and physically, and looking back now I can really see how the hormones made me feel pretty loopy - especially the postpartum surge that starts a few days after the birth.

Try and rest when your baby rests, although I know this is easier said than done.

Accept all offers of help that feel right to you (cooked meals, cleaning, an hour to let you take a bath) but equally stand strong on what feels right for you in terms of visits and needing space in those early weeks.

And finally, big yourself up every now and then. Sometimes I would stop and think: “Wow, we’ve looked after Evie for X number of weeks now - we must be doing something right!”

Sue and MaryJane

2011-10-13T04:49:00.000-07:00

Name: Sue

Child: MaryJane, 2

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I was really excited by it and loved being pregnant. I knew it would change my life and everyone tells you it will. But you just cannot put into words how it changes you. You just don't get it until you've done it. Despite reading a variety of books nothing fully prepared me.

Reality of Motherhood: Having to carve out time for yourself and your partner is one of the hardest things. You have to make it a priority otherwise it just doesn't happen! You have to remember who you both were before you were parents - that person you fell in love with is still there! My husband and I decided before becoming pregnant that we didnt want to have a child, just to put her in nursery. And we are in the fortunate postion that we can afford for me to stay at home, its quite and old fashioned way of life but I wouldnt swap it for the world.

Taking your child home for the first time: Well that was in a two seater sports car (which had a small seat in the back)! Anxious, excited and exhausted as she'd breastfed most of the night in the hospital. I remember just going to bed straight away and then feeding her whilst my fantastic husband fed me a chippy tea! Hurrah!

The best/worst advice: Stick to your guns about what you think is right for you and your child. For us it was a routine - a mixture of the Baby Whisperer and Gina Ford; she thrived on it and I knew what I was supposed to be doing and when (which helps when your structured and organized life is turned upside down!)

The hardest parts of being a mother: Being on call 24/7. And breastfeeding is difficult, I managed six months but my body didn't feel like mine until about ten months after the birth.

The best parts of being a mother:

The hugs and the kisses, the unconditional love, seeing her do something/hearing her say something for the first time- usually followed by "I did it!" and the happy and proud look on her face. I love the enhanced "team" feeling that being parents has brought between my husband and I and the whole loved-up thing of being a family. And the fact that MaryJane is the first Grandchild in the family. My parents are fantastic with her, she loves going to their house for sleepovers. Its a really special relationship between them.

Hopes for your family: I've now reached the point where I feel ready for another child and I know how much it would benefit MaryJane to have a brother or sister. I hope we can be as happy as we are now, always.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Buy a Belly Bandit!! http://www.bellybandit.co.uk/ they really work!! Rub olive oil on your expanding body parts daily, hips, thighs, bum and obviously stomach!
And see your friends a lot, go to the cinema and out for dinner with your partner as often as you can, as you probably wont have the energy to watch a film all in one sitting for a while!

And apart from all that, the golden mantra- rest, rest, rest!
As for antenatal classes- I really didn't like them! I went to the ones the hospital provided and ended up getting really upset at the "one size fits all" approach - we only went to one in the end. And dont try to do everything yourself - people want to help so let them, especially your husband or partner. Don't forget they are a new parent as well.Finally, don't cling to your birth-plan like it is some sort of holy scripture, it's just an ideal. My experience was nothing like my birth-plan!! At one point I had the midwife in a headlock, not part of my dream scenario obviously!

Sue's blog is www.oldfashionedsusie.com and she also has a new (and under development) website: www.vintagemanchester.com

Vivienne and Ed

2011-10-13T01:32:00.000-07:00

Name: Vivienne

Child: Ed, 9 months

Location: Cheshire

Expectations of motherhood: I had heard so much about how having a child changes your life.....the lack of sleep, the lack of social life.....and so I was expecting all of these things but I don t think I really understood just how much having a baby changes things until Ed was here. I was so excited to meet the baby that had been growing in my tummy all this time and I absolutely loved being pregnant, but actually I don't think I knew what to expect - all I knew was that I was excited.

Reality of motherhood: Motherhood has been all people told me and so much more! Beforehand it just didn't really sink in just how much hard work it really is - the complete and utter lack of sleep, having absolutely no time for yourself, how it changes your body(!) and how it feels to have this tiny and vulnerable person being so utterly dependent on you for their every need. And yet, for all the sleepless nights (and believe me they continue!) and the total lack of a social life for the first few months it has been totally worth it and the love you feel for your child is really and truly like no other. And you even get used to the sleepless nights after a while. After 9 months I am used to functioning on little sleep and once you get into a routine with your baby you are able to have a little time to yourself. Even if it's just 10 minutes to grab a cup of tea!

Taking your child home for the first time: It was a cold dark January night when we first brought Ed home. I couldn't wait to leave the hospital, having being there for nearly a week after a very traumatic birth (another story!) but when my partner and I got home with Ed still in his carseat, we looked at each other and said 'what do we do now'?! It was completely overwhelming having been in the protective surroundings of the hospital we were now on our own and we had no clue what to do!

That first night we did not sleep a wink and kept checking baby was still breathing, he wasn't too hot, he wasn't too cold......but we survived and the constant checking in the night has been a recurring theme since (I don t think this ever changes as my mom still checks on me at night when I go home for the weekends!)

The best/worst advice: The worst thing I could have done is the reading, reading and more reading and comparing of all the baby and parenting books. I also googled everything.
This was so bad for me as I constantly compared myself as a parent and my baby to others in these books/on the Internet and it can make you feel inadequate. So my advice would be don't read these books and instead speak to friends/family/other mums. The best advice then has come from other mums, an invaluable source of support and ideas and a godsend!

The hardest parts of being a mother: Some of the hardest parts have been the changes to my life, there are friends that you see less of and it is hard to keep in touch when you are 100% focused on your baby. It is difficult at the start to talk about anything other than babies as that is your life, so I have tried really hard not to talk about baby things all the time when I do see friends, although maybe they would say otherwise! The lack of sleep is hard but you do get used to this and I do spend less time on my appearance than I once did. Your priorities change but I don t think this is necessarily a bad thing.
And the worrying....I am the worlds worst worrier but now, having a baby, I worry even more!

The best parts of being a mother: The best bits far outweigh the bad bits, seeing Ed for the first time was amazing, and I couldn t stop looking at him at first, actually I still can't! The love you feel is truly overwhelming and it is true what they say about forgetting about the labour once you have your baby in your arms. Seeing him reach different milestones, crawling, playing, smiling. It really is amazing to think you have created this person and that you are the most important person in their life. It's quite scary really - maybe this should have gone in the hardest section too!

On a personal level I feel calmer, more patient and less likely to stress over little things unlike before. You become more accepting about how things are and realise what's important in life, although you also realise how short life really is and that also is quite scary!

Hopes for your family: All I really hope is that Ed grows to be a happy, healthy young boy and that he achieves all he wants to achieve.

I would like Ed to have a brother or sister in the future but we are incredibly lucky to have Ed and so if it happens it happens. Either way as long as my family are happy and healthy then that's all I can wish for.
What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: My advice would be don t panic! You will be fine and there is a lot of support out there if you feel you need it.
Do not read any of those parenting books. Do not google anything.
Try and get a routine going when you can, it's so much easier to work with a routine I think and, although baby does not always stick to this if you can have regular mealtimes, bath times and bedtimes it will make your life easier!
Join local mother and baby classes, these have been invaluable to me and the friends I have made at these I hope are friends for life! I was so not the type of person to go to these and definitely didn't t think I would enjoy them but going saved me in the early days when i was totally frazzled and didn't know whether I was coming or going......and there isn t a nursery rhyme out there that I do not know the words to now.

Charmaine and Maya

2011-10-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

Name: Charmaine

Child: Maya, 21 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: Being a mother meant joining this secret society that I knew little or nothing about. I had never held a newborn baby, changed a nappy or even babysat a small baby. How would I cope with poo, sick, sleepless nights and huge responsibility? Would I feel overwhelming love as soon as I set eyes on him or her? Would I ever leave the house again?

Reality of Motherhood: How to sum up on one paragraph? All I can say is, every cliche is true. All the songs I thought were a bit cheesy ring true now: 'You are the sunshine of my life', 'You are everything and everything to me. ' I still can't believe I've been pregnant and given birth to a beautiful daughter. I'd be lying if I said motherhood was fabulous all the time, it's the most emotionally and physically demanding 'job' I've ever had but it's indescribably great at the same time.

Taking your child home for the first time: Twenty minutes in freezing conditions of the hospital car park, trying to fix the car seat and £17 worth of car park fees later, we were finally home. It really was a magical time. Maya was due on Christmas day but to our relief she was born on 21st December. When we took her home and placed her Moses basket next to the Christmas tree it all looked very biblical. I'm not religious at all, but Christmas held a special significance for me that year .

The best/worst advice:
Best advice: Don't listen to advice, trust your own instincts.

Worst advice: Don't listen to advice, trust your own instincts!

The hardest parts of being a mother:
Lack of sleep (surprise!)

All the conflicting information and advice.

Not knowing why your baby is crying.

The best parts of being a mother:
For me I'm still blown away that we made this little girl and I have given birth. I am an adopted person and I love my family, but the fact that Maya is my flesh and blood is profoundly important.

Hopes for your family:
Happiness, health and all the usual things. Maya is part Jamaican and German. We aim to bring her up bilingual and help her appreciate all aspects of her cultural heritage.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums:
Try not to focus solely on the birth. For me the hardest bit was getting used to having a newborn and coping with all the demands.

Maria and Luca

2011-10-06T05:38:00.000-07:00

Name: Maria

Child: Luca, 9 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I thought I would be a real 'Gina Ford' mother! Eg. Baby in his cot, in his own room on the first night at home! Breastfeeding on a routine. Letting the baby cry.

Reality of Motherhood: I don't think I put him down for the first month. I fell in love with him as soon as he was born. He seemed so grateful to be fed and cuddled. I was reluctant to let his dad hold him. I would feel jealous and empty if I wasn't holding him! I feel like I've always known him.

Taking your child home for the first time: I was desperate to take Luca home. We were kept in hospital for 5 days because he was jittery when he was born. They were injecting him with anti-biotics every 12 hours but couldn't give me a straight answer as to why. We were on a ward with 3 other new mothers and their babies screamed all night. I didn't sleep for the 5 days. I was so worried about Luca. By day 5 I was frantic for an explanation and we were discharged when they couldn't provide one. When we got home I was worried sick. I thought I had made the wrong decision but the jittering soon stopped and I began to feel more confident.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I received was from the midwife re breastfeeding. I had read the Gina Ford book and had my head filled with routines etc. The midwives advice was to feed on demand. Me and Luca were both much happier when I started to do this. So I suppose the worst advice was to try to put a breast fed baby into a 'routine'.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Tearing myself away from Luca and leaving him in the care of other people. I found it so hard to even leave him with his grandparents (and still do!). The worry never seems to go away. Now I am back at work and still breastfeeding, I find it a real struggle. I express milk whilst I am at work but it takes me nearly half an hour and that is all I get for lunch. I have to express in my classroom which locks but when kids are running past and banging on the door, it is nerve-wracking!

The best part of being a mother: Breastfeeding. I am so glad I tried it. Luca took to it straight away and we have become so close because of it. I think of us as our own little unit; it is so special between us. Another thing is the laughter and smiles. It is amazing. I love taking him places and showing him new things. I love dressing him up.

Hopes for your family: My only hope at the moment is that he stays healthy and lives a long and happy life.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums:

I would say read the Gina Ford books if you must but keep an open mind and don't feel that it's the only way! Breastfeed if you want to and stay strong when family members tell you your baby needs a bottle etc. Get involved with your local Sure Start (whilst you can) - even just voicing your concerns to other mothers can really reassure you. Explain to your partner that although you are not at work, you now have a new job which is much more important that the washing up! Enjoy every minute of your maternity leave because it goes by in a flash. And, DO NOT let any man talk you out of having an epidural if you want one. I did.

Having a baby is the single, most important, life-changing and happiest thing I have ever achieved in my life.

Sarah and Jude

2011-10-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

Name: Sarah

Child: Jude (4 in November)
Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I was the first of all my close friends to have a baby and as an only child I'd had little, if no, experience of motherhood or babies. I also decided that NCT classes were not for me and that surely it would be easy enough following my own instincts! So I had the obvious expectations of knowing my life would change forever, we'd be tired and emotional and yet it would also turn us from a couple into a family.

Reality of Motherhood: I have had a wonderful, happy spirited son who has brought us more and more happiness as life goes along. Having Jude has been the biggest achievement of both our lives, and seeing him turn into his own person, with his likes and dislikes and sense of humour has been an absolute joy. He cheers us up when we are sad and makes us realise the real value of life. I know it sounds soppy but as children grow they give you so much back, all the effort you put in in the early months/years pays off tenfold the older they get. We love including him in everything we do and he embraces every situation he is put in. We have also made a conscious effort to stay in contact with all our friends, whether they have children or not, and still regularly go out (whether separately or together) so we haven't lost our 'pre baby' social lives altogether! Don't get me wrong, the early days were tough but the mind has a great knack for helping you forget the bad times and remember the good!

Taking your child home for the first time: I was very nervous in the early days. All the questions new mums have about 'how will he feed', 'how will he sleep' were at the very front of mind, and it was as though I had brought an alien back home. Who was this little person who had suddenly filled our house? This baby had been just a bump before and I was comfortable with that, now he was here and this was when the hard work started.

The best/worst advice: Be yourself and listen to your baby. I'm not here to offer anyone advice as I think it's up to mum to decide what is best. Although getting as much rest as possible is an obvious one! I never slept when he did in the early days and I paid for it later on! I was too high on adrenaline and too nervous to sleep so I couldn't physically switch off. I would say just really try to rest and look after yourself.

The hardest part of being a mother: Was initially the change from just being a couple to being a family. You are suddenly thrust into motherhood and it is a huge shock to the system, it took me a few months to adapt properly and really feel that I knew my son.

The best part of being a mother: The love you get back from your child and the innocence of childhood. Seeing the world through your child's eyes.

Hopes for your family:

After only wanting one child for about 3 years we are now planning for a brother or sister for Jude, fingers crossed! He's at an age where I can really see the benefit of siblings and think it would be the making of him. But as an only child with a wonderful childhood I see nothing wrong with having an only child.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums:

Don't read any books! They will just make you confused and feel like you are a bad mum. Follow your instincts, if you think what you're doing is best for your baby then it probably is. Try to have a mummy buddy who you can talk things through with - a problem shared is a problem halved. And don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it, you're not wonderwoman!

Lucy and Oliver

2011-10-05T07:19:00.000-07:00

Name: Lucy

Child: Oliver, 4 and 1/2 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I think I had fairly realisitic expectations of motherhood, having seen so many friends and family go through it. I had prepared myself for a big lifestyle change. I expected to be tired, worried about doing things wrong and permanently covered in sick. I tried to prepare myself mentally for what life would be like with a difficult baby, although I never got much further than thinking 'please God don't let me have a difficult baby'!

Reality of Motherhood: I have been blessed with a very chilled, happy little boy who rarely cries. Phew! I am tired, worried about doing things wrong and permanently covered in sick!! The thing which, although anticipated, I never really understood until having experienced it is the physical and mental impact of tiredness. Months of broken and limited sleep really takes its toll and some days the smallest thing can seem like an absolute disaster. The other thing which took me by surprise is how continuous the feeding cycle is in the early weeks. My lifestyle has of course had to change, it isn't possible to go off to the cinema or the pub on a moment's notice, there is always the little man to think about. However I am not a clingy mummy, he's been going into the creche at the gym since he was six weeks old and I left him overnight with his Daddy and Grannie at 10 weeks so that I could go to Munich to see Take That. I think allowing myself some time away from baby, knowing he is in the best care, has been very good for me.

Taking your child home for the first time: Firstly, I was pleased purely to be getting out of hospital (I'd only been in overnight but that was more than long enough!). I didn't feel as overwhelmed by the occasion as I thought I would, I was just very excited for us to start our family life together and to get to know Oliver properly, but of course a little apprehensive - how would I cope if he was 'a cryer' etc. He had taken to breast feeding very easily but even so my main concern was how I would know if he was getting enough to eat. It definitely helped knowing that a mid-wife would be calling the next day, and over the following couple of weeks so keep an eye on things. It wasn't until I started expressing and could physically see the milk that I stopped worrying that he was not getting enough to eat. The first day back Oliver's dad had baked a pie for dinner with 'Mummy' written in pastry on the top which was lovely, and he took over cooking and cleaning duties for a few weeks which meant I could focus completely on Olliver's need which was fantastic.

The best/worst advice: Best advice was to start expressing and feeding from a bottle very early on (I did one bottle a day from 8 days). It meant Oliver never had problems switching between breast and bottle. I don't think I've had too much bad advice, but people had told me to give the baby some Calpol before going for his vaccinations. Luckily I didn't use this advice as the nurse told me that there is now some scientific evidence that this reduces the effectiveness of the vaccinations.

The hardest part of being a mother: I think being permanently so tired has been the hardest thing as it throws everything out of perpsective.

The best parts of being a mother: Oliver's smile - it melts my heart every time. And just watching him grow and develop day by day, he really is a little miracle. Being parents has also brought Mark and I closer together than ever.

Hopes for your family: Mark and I are just so excited about every stage of Oliver's development and what the future holds for us. I'm looking forward to playing with him, talking with him, watching him play football with his dad, days out, family holidays etc etc but overall I just want us all to remain healthy and happy.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: 1) don't try and follow rigid routines dictated in books. The odd baby may be able to follow them but most people I know have just become frustrated and upset trying to. Whilst I have taken some very useful tips from books and used them to gain an understanding of babies' basic needs and behaviours I have found it much easier to follow Oliver's natural rhythms. 2) Remember your baby is an individual and there is no point comparing him/her to other babies. 3) When you are having a 'bad day' or melting down over something, try and sit back and ask yourself if things are really bad or if lack of sleep is just making it seem that way. 9 times out of 10 you will be able to see that if you had had a good night's sleep you wouldn't be stressing about the situation at all. Just telling myself that often helped me to feel better.

Amrick and Yuna

2011-10-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

Name: Amrick

Child: Yunalesca, aged 17 months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: Wow! My expectations of motherhood were vast and crazy, I simply couldn't wait to have my baby. I was diagnosed with quite severe PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) when I was just 18. I'd had irregular periods for about 2 years, I'd also gained a lot of weight in a very short space of time with no changes to my diet or daily activities, and my skin was terrible; I had the worst acne. It took 2 long years of diagnosis, until I was finally told I had PCOS. I was basically told that my chances of ever becoming pregnant were slim, and advised of the miscarriage rate of women with PCOS (which is relatively high in comparison to "normal" women). So, from being 18 years old, I always believed that having a baby of my own wouldn't be an option for me.

A funny question someone asked me a while ago, after Yuna was born, was "Were you upset when you were told you couldn't have children?"
I found this question funny because it's been in my heart and soul to be a mother, ever since I can remember. I had no plans of a teenage pregnancy or anything like that, but I always saw a future with a little person running about with me, laughing. Someone I could cuddle and teach, someone to put to bed at night and read stories to.
So, yes, for me, being told that I would never be a mother was a crucial point in my life, it devastated me and in combination with worsening PCOS symptoms, actually led to me becoming very depressed and secluded at one point in my life.

Anyway, one evening in mid-2009 (I was 27 years old), I was putting myself to bed as usual. Whilst I was brushing my teeth, I had the overriding urge to vomit, and let's just say, from that evening onwards, it took three months before the vomiting stopped!
I didn't think for a minute that I was pregnant, I mean, how could I be?! I actually thought there was something seriously wrong with me health-wise. I would chat with friends after they'd comment on my weight-loss, their first reaction was "...perhaps you're pregnant?"
So, one pregnancy test and visit to the GP later, I realised that yes! I was going to have a baby! I was over-joyed, elated, I felt like the luckiest person in the world, and my partner and parents were just over the moon! We all knew that whatever this baby was going to be, it was going to be lucky! I counted down the days, minutes and seconds until my due date, I drove people insane repeating "I hope this baby comes soon!" I was excited to say the least.

Reality of Motherhood: "Being a mum is the hardest day's work you'll ever do" was my mother's mantra whilst I was pregnant (along with many other, lovely things) and she wasn't joking. Being a mother is hard work. It's harder than any job or career I've completed or accomplished in my pre-parenting days. I always say to friends whom work, and don't yet have kids, "If your boss was unimpressed with your actions, they'd tell you what the problem is. With a baby, they just scream indecipherably at you until you figure it out. That's unlike any boss I've ever heard of!"
It's a full-time occupation that I believe everyone, no matter how maternal, has to learn to do. You think you know exactly how your baby is going to act, you know, you just feed and change them, pop them in bed and they'll smile softly at you and drift off to sleep. Not always the case! But as with anything in life, the more you learn, the easier the task at hand. Once you get over the initial confusions and misunderstandings, having a child of your own is a wonder and spectacle that can not be matched by anything else, ever. It's a life-affirming and beautiful experience!

Taking your child home for the first time: I couldn't wait to get out of the hospital! I just wanted to be home, in comfort with my little baby, plus my birth was a nightmare. All that, "I hope this baby arrives soon!" I spouted during the end of my pregnancy resulted in my being 2 weeks over-due before being induced. The induction didn't go too well, it took 3 days after my waters broke and being admitted to hospital, before Yuna finally decided to arrive. I was as raring to go as a new-mum could be, I bugged the midwives every few hours to let me go home and eventually they were happy with Yuna's progress so off we went. My partner Seth always likes to recount the story of when we were first putting Yuna in the car seat in the hospital car park:
I carried Yuna to the car and gave her to Seth to hold whilst I opened the door and sorted everything out. I apparently quickly backed-out of the backseat door and demanded he "remove that creature, now!" and when he looked in he couldn't see anything. So I pointed out to him the disgusting assailant, which turned out to be a very small and innocent gnat, minding it's own business. The thing is Yuna was so new, clean, soft (the softest skin! I've never felt anything like it!) so to me this little bug was infecting her space! Poor gnat.
I was so relived to finally get home, the first evening was lovely. I was incredibly tired and hungry, so we ordered-in some delicious, fresh feta salad with pitta bread, nachos and guacamole. Placed Yuna in her moses basket in the living room, and pretty much watched her every minute movement and breath, until we finally took her up to bed with us. We were filled with relief and happiness that we finally had our own little baby girl, Yunalesca.

The best/worst advice: Best advice has always come from my mum. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful mum, she's been there for me and Yuna pretty much every single day for the past 17 months, popping around before or after work on weekdays. I can't particularly pick one bit of advice as being the best, but my mum did try and tell me to stop buying neutral clothing whilst I was pregnant (we chose to not find out the sex of the baby) but I didn't listen. I didn't exactly buy a ton of stuff, but once Yuna arrived, I wasn't interested in anything I'd bought for her during pregnancy except for some soft, white terry-toweling baby-grows which I had decorated with cat appliques. I just wanted to get her in something bright and pretty, rather than the dowdy beige items I'd picked before I knew my baby was going to be Yuna! As for worst advice, I think all the advice I was given was delivered with good intent, even if I did not agree once Yuna came along. We all learn to be a parent in different ways, we do things our own way... take from the advice other's give you, what you feel comfortable with, ignore anything that doesn't feel natural to your way of parenting.

The hardest parts of being a mother:
Lack of sleep. I think in the first few months, until you can fathom a way to get a routine in place, the sleep depravation could lead you to go crazy, unless you have some (read: a lot) of help from those around you. If you're offered help, please! Take it! We all do eventually, when we learn that you can only be super-mum a certain amount of the time. You've also got to truly understand that the development of your child, mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally is now your main quest in life. It's not just about reading to them and teaching them to walk, it's about making sure they develop to be a happy and stable person, which I think is easier said than done. You don't realise how much your own personal hang-ups will effect anybody other than yourself until you have a child.
I've never been a particularly negative person, but since having Yuna I've realised that it would be unfair to her, to vocally complain to myself about my hair being thin when getting ready in the morning, or stressing that the dress I've chosen for an occasion looks wrong because I'm not the right weight. She shouldn't have to hear anything negative about my personal appearance, or anyone else's for that matter, because all it will do is spawn a very self-conscious and unhappy little girl, who will grow to be a young lady who analyses herself, unjustly, in a similar manner.I'm coming from quite a specific angle with this advice, but as someone whom suffers from a somewhat brutal case of PCOS, and having to raise a little girl, it's become obvious to me that in this day and age I need to do all I can to raise a strong, self-assured daughter, who is happy in herself, no matter what. I will always tell her the advice passed on to me from my mother, and her mum before her: "Nobody is better than you in this life" and that "it's what you experience in life that matters". I will raise my daughter knowing that to learn and love life is far more important than your appearance, monetary gain and what other's think about you.

The best parts of being a mother: It's just the gift of raising your own little human, you get to learn about the basics of life all over again. It helps you realise that life itself is more important than just the existence. You can run, be free, chat and laugh at the silliest of things. Watching your child's first reaction to something funny is amazing, you think to yourself "My god, they get it! That's amazing! They're laughing!" you probably seem like an utter idiot to anyone who has not got children themselves, but just watching your child develop, to me is astounding. Then comes the requited love from your baby, especially when they're old enough to give hugs and kisses. You know all that effort you put in, all that love and time was worth it. They love you, too! They always will. When Yuna is sick, I fondly call her "velcro-baby" because in spite of her desires to perhaps get up and play with toys, or read her books, she is just stuck to me like glue. She's only 17 months old, but I know that she believes that I, mummy, will make everything better with hugs and love, and I can't give that sort of consolation to anyone else.

Hopes for your family: I am so looking forwards to Yuna being able to talk properly, it will be a world of wonder for both she and I. Other than the obligatory "mamamama" and "dadadada" her first word was most definitely cat, or "Aaahht!" as she says. She had an orange cat toy that one day, I guess I'd placed on a shelf whilst tidying. I was holding her in my arms, her facing the opposite way to me. I was picking some washing off the radiator and heard her say "Aaahht!", it wasn't a sound I'd heard her emit before! I turned around to see the orange cat on the shelf, and gave it to her, she looked at me and said "Aaahht!" again! AMAZING! She was about 10 months old, and the very next day she started saying "ooook!" for book. Things have progressed slowly since that point, but I know her speech will blossom when she's ready, and I'm so excited. I want to talk to her about how she sees the world, from her very specific point of view. I am enthusiastic about showing her all the things her father and I love about life. Animals, wildlife, nature, art and music (although I'm not in favour of indoctrinating a child in to "cool" music, beyond their understanding).
I'm just hoping that we can weather-out the storm of life to be content and settled together, to provide Yuna with stability and happiness, and the strength to get her through any grievances that may possibly befall her in later life... from her first cut knee, heart-break and beyond.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I've seen this comment before, but, for god's sake, PUT DOWN THAT BOOK! Yes, flick through the pages, take in the fun bits, but just ignore all the horrible stuff. Most of it will never happen, some minor crappy bits may occur, but generally, your pregnancy and child-raising experiences are going to be unique to you, no book can map out your life for you. As for birthing plans, I may as well have mine framed and displayed on the wall with the legend, "Even the best laid plans..."
On our tour around the maternity unit, whilst pregnant, the midwives introduced me to the new, sparkling 'birthing room'. WOW! It was glorious; a birthing pool, TV, radio. A TOASTER AND A KETTLE. "Giving birth will be awesome!" I thought to myself. Then the day (or night, should I say) came where my waters broke, sitting on the edge of the bed after going for a midnight wee. I thought I'd forgotten to finish on the loo! Anyway, as much as I'd planned a drug-free, normal delivery, Yuna had decided it was not to be. I did give birth "naturally", but not without the help of a plethora of drugs, including a cream and drip-induction (which they hiked-up to epic proportions due to Yuna's desire not to yield), Diamorphine and Epidural. It was due to my being induced that my birthing-room dreams were quashed.
I didn't want any of these things in my birth plan, my mum gave birth to me entirely drug-free, not even gas and air, due to her being exhausted. I thought I would have enough "stuff" to tough-it-out the way she did, but after the induction I just scribbled wherever the midwife asked me to, and asked for anything to dull the pain.
My point here is that birthing plans are an exciting thing to discuss and make, but don't be surprised if... things don't go to plan! If you're induced, just go with the flow. They're inducing you for a reason (stubborn, willful, happy baby doesn't want to leave!)... If the pain gets too much, as one of my close friends says "don't be a hero" - just do whatever you feel is right and helps you have a happy and easier birth.

A big one for me is breast feeding. My mum didn't breast feed myself or my brother, but we're both pretty normal and relatively healthy. We're certainly not crazy, stupid or limbless, or anything strange like that. I think there is so much pressure on women to breast feed these days it is uncomfortable. This is coming from a mother who DID breast feed. The one thing people didn't explain to me is how gosh-darn painful it is. I seriously thought my boobs were going to fall-off, the pain was that intense. The first two weeks of breast-feeding were, to be honest, a living-hell. I almost recoiled in fear when Yuna needed her next feed, that's how intense the pain was. The first few suckles I would burst in to tears, it was just too much! Then, with the help of Lansinoh cream and, time, it became completely fine. It was pretty much exactly 2 weeks after starting breast feeding. One day, there was excruciating pain, the next... gone! Just like that. However, I think if you're having reservations about breast-feeding your child, do not be demonised. It doesn't suit every woman. I do think it is worth a go though, if you can muster the strength to do it, because it might not be painful for you, and once baby is settled on your bosom, it's a beautiful experience. You know that it is you feeding and helping your own child to thrive, and that is a very gratifying, and in some ways, selfish, feeling. It does help you feel close and comforting to your baby, but I don't think you'd be any less detached from your baby if you chose to bottle-feed. Yuna was a particularly hungry baby, whom I had to also occasionally bottle-feed with organic baby milk. The only thing I ever felt about bottle-feeding her was generally, left out, because it was my partner Seth who chose to give her this milk. I think that is always a nice experience for a father though, because they can gain the same gratification you gain by feeding their own child. Without bottle-feeding (or expressing milk) they will never have that experience.

My other advice would be go easy on yourself. You're only human. As long as you have love and understanding in your heart, you will be the best mum ever. You don't have to dance around dusting, making home-made baby food, singing the alphabet with your baby in your arms to be a good mum, you just have to make sure that no real harm comes to them, and that you know at the end of the day you tried your best. Also don't listen to other annoying mums who say, "Oh, my baby can walk a tight-rope whilst reciting the alphabet backwards" because they're full of bull-poop. Even if little Johnny can do these things, he's probably not been given time to just acclimatise to being a child, having rote-learned the alphabet, tight-rope and perhaps, piano instead. Your child is outside, digging-up worms from the garden, probably trying to eat them. Pouring juice on their head, underestimating the height of that table, getting their finger stuck in the door when trying to close it for themselves for the first time. It's your child who will have the smarts to survive life.

Amrick has her own blog

http://kittynation.wordpress.com

(and shop http://www.kittynation.com/store/).

Here are relevant links to posts:

http://kittynation.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/good-times-for-a-change/
- About Amrick's PCOS/ being pregnant
http://kittynation.wordpress.com/2011/07/11/booze-flowers-and-self-awareness/
- About motherhood, children and self-awareness
http://kittynation.wordpress.com/2010/12/16/the-beanie-birth-cd-1/
- About Amrick's birthing CD

Marlous, Ivan and Alexander

2011-10-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

Name: Marlous

Children: Ivan and Alexander (1.5 yrs)

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: My boyfriend and I had known each other three weeks when I got pregnant and we weren’t even living in the same country, so there wasn’t time to think much further than how to get us all into the delivery room. Looking back, that has been good for me. I find ‘mother’ quite a loaded term, and if I had had more time to daydream, I would probably have set myself all sorts of unobtainable standards. I have become a mother by changing a nappy at a time – sometimes full of confidence and sometimes desperately unsure of where I was going – rather than by beating myself up about whatever ideal I didn’t meet that day.

Reality of Motherhood: It is different than any other experience. You have only yourself to rely on and I find that incredibly liberating and terrifying at the same time. I love seeing these two tiny squirrels turning into little boys; how they had distinct personalities from the second they were born and how they teach themselves all the things that I thought I was supposed to teach them as a mother. Really, putting the round blocks into the round hole and using a fork to eat rice are skills I would love to take credit for, but they just watched us and started doing it when they were ready.

Taking your children home for the first time: It was dark, cold and we were in a taxi: the babes, my boyfriend, and my friend Sam, who had been with us during labour. Alex and Ivan were wrapped up in about a thousand blankets, and Sam and I held one each close to us while Omid was chatting to the driver. I remember looking outside and realising that I had completely forgotten there was a world bigger than the hospital room where I had spent the first week cosied up with my babies. I was excited and at the same time a little bit sad. My first lesson in letting them go, I suppose.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I got from a website, where a mother explained that she parents by three questions: Is it safe? Is it respectful? Is it kind? If it ticks these three boxes, my kids are allowed to do it. Which is basically the opposite from the worst advice, which came from my dad, who told my sister that by not curbing my children’s desire to touch the cd player or throw food on the floor I am abandoning them to a life of lawless savagery. After that I worried for a while that I was living by my idea of freedom more for my sake than theirs, but actually they are turning into very enterprising, yet responsible, social and considerate kids. Hopefully that will prove to be more than a phase!

The hardest parts of being a mother:

Knowing that all the life decisions I have made so far and make from now on, affect these two little people just as much as me. I have lived quite an adventurous life, with lots of spur of the moment decisions. If I hadn’t been like that, Ivan and Alex wouldn’t be here now. But it also means I am raising them with a man I am still getting to know, in a rented flat I hate, in a city where neither of us have family or close friends.

The best parts of being a mother: Sharing in their happiness. I love how they meet all the everyday stuff like saying hello in the morning, getting breakfast, bringing out the toys, going out, dancing in the living room, and on and on, with smiles and laughter. Being part of so much joy has really changed my outlook on life.

Hopes for your family: To stay a happy band of dancing, singing gypsies that offers a safe place for the four of us and the ones we love, to be who we are and develop into what we want to be. It’s not that much to ask for, is it?

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: To women expecting twins I would say: take it one day at a time and remember that it will take you longer to get some (any!) normalcy back than the mums of singletons around you, but it will come back. Also, prepare comebacks to comments such as: Which is the evil one? Are they both yours? And awww, twins, such a blessing - when you just managed to get them and yourself about decent enough to sneak out of the house for some emergency shopping, after failing for four hours.

Ruth and Martha

2011-09-28T13:14:00.000-07:00

Name: Ruth

Child: Martha, 1 yr old

Expectations of Motherhood: Its funny but now I’ve had Martha I can’t really remember what I felt like before she was in our life. We were really lucky as I had a straightforward pregnancy so I think I was just filled with excitement about having a child that we’d be able to call our daughter or son and starting our own family. There are people in my life who I admire as parents and I guess I wanted to learn from them and hoped to have a fairly relaxed approach to parenting. I wanted to try to integrate our baby into our lives without everything changing too drastically, but actually once she was here that didn’t really cross my mind and I didn’t necessarily want to do the things I couldn’t do anymore anyway.

Reality of Motherhood: We did a lot of walking for the first six months. Martha wasn’t a good sleeper and would sleep best in the pram so Pete and I walked everywhere, all the time, whatever the weather. It was exhausting, felt like we were constantly in a tag team and the sleepless nights were relentless. I used to get a feeling of dread during the evening before I went to bed, knowing that there was another really testing night ahead of us. Having said that the daily experience of feeling such love for her was wonderful. It does gets easier and generally I think I enjoy being a mum more each day. She definitely amazes me more every day.

I feel like my identity has really changed since having a child, I feel more confident in myself as a person since becoming a mum and having your own family gives you a feeling of security. It also puts things into perspective as I guess you don’t have as much time to question things, its just about getting on with each day.

It’s harder to go on holiday with a baby and the days of packing light are definitely over. I do miss being able to travel without a baby.

Taking your child/children home for the first time: I remember sitting in the back of the car with Martha, looking out of the window and thinking ‘wow - every adult walking along this road in Stockport was once a tiny perfect baby like this’. It sounds cheesy but it was like I suddenly had a better understanding of humanity and the wonder of life. It made me realise that everyone starts from the same place but it’s so much to do with the life you’re born into that will shape your direction. We found ourselves laughing at ourselves as we drove so slowly and carefully feeling much more vulnerable than we had ever done before.

There was a lovely feeling of calm in our house when we first had her home (which didn’t necessarily last). I think it was partly because of hormones and also because if we were relaxed we felt it would help her to feel the same. It was nice to be in a cocoon for the first few weeks, having some days just to ourselves but then also really loving introducing family and friends to our little girl. Also to find ourselves constantly staring at her with amazement and looking across the room at this little person thinking ‘ooh there’s three of us now!’

The best/worst advice: Lean on other people and if someone offers help then say yes even if its just to do something little. Don’t try to do it all by yourself.

I found the books too much and didn’t read them much apart from once when it left me feeling totally stressed as Martha didn’t behave in the way the booked described she should. Asking friends about how their babies have been and for any advice always felt much more reassuring.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The tiredness and having to always put your own needs aside.

The best parts of being a mother: Going into her room when she wakes up in the morning and seeing her smile when she sees you. Creeping into her room at night and watching her sleep. Seeing her learn something new. Seeing the pleasure having a child brings to the people you love. Watching her play with her cousins and my closest friend’s children. Experiencing her coming to you for comfort and security. Watching her develop her own independence and confidence as an individual. Watching her laugh at something she finds really funny. Sharing all of this with Pete…the list is endless.

Hopes for your family: That we are always able to communicate well with each other and respect each others differences. That we value each others’ company and the time we spend together. That we are gentle and patient with each other. That we learn from Martha as much as she learns from us. That relationships with family and friends always remain central to our lives. That Martha is able to think freely, grow up to be quietly confident and fulfilled in whatever she does. That she’s not afraid of trying new things. That Martha has a sister or brother in the future.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Take each day at a time and lean on your friends and family. Don’t push yourself too hard and don’t do anything you don’t feel ready to do. If you’re having a really hard day, ring someone and tell them – it feels so much better once you’ve shared it.

Supreeta and Vihaan

2011-09-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

Name: Supreeta

Child: Vihaan, 4 ½ months

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I’ve always wanted to be a mum and thought I would be a great one. I would look at cranky babies with frazzled mums and think, “Oh...I would be so much better at that!!”, or, “I would even enjoy those crazy moments and would never get frustrated or frazzled.” When I was younger I baby sat my cousins and nephews and was great at it! I had a knack of calming babies down and putting them to sleep. I loved it! It was as if I had this special power! Obviously, it would be even better when I had my own...right??!!

We waited a few years after getting married before we started to try for a baby. I miscarried my first pregnancy more than a year earlier and after months of hoping and praying, my husband and I were so thrilled when I got pregnant again. I was going to have a Summer baby and I had visions of long walks in the park, picnics, swimming classes and general maternal bliss.

I just could not wait!! Though so many women have done it before me and will do after me...I felt like the most special woman in the world, entrusted with the most precious project in the world.

Reality of Motherhood: After just seven hours of labour, my beautiful boy Vihaan, literally shot out into the world! The first moments after seeing him have to be the most uncontrolled emotion I have ever experienced. My pregnancy was closely monitored as there was a possibility of Downs Syndrome or Achondroplasia and we didn’t know for sure till the baby was born as we chose not to risk the pregnancy with any invasive tests. Most of my pregnancy was filled with anxiety and mixed emotions. So, when I saw the little soul, placed on my tummy, looking at me, a crashing wave of emotions washed over me. I have a healthy little boy who is just little like his mum and dad.

The first night on my own with my bundle in the maternity ward was lonely, scary and unexpected. How could something so little and beautiful be so unhappy and hungry? I was up feeding him every 20 minutes through the night! I was exhausted and so angry that I had to do it all by myself. How was it fair that my husband didn’t have to go through it with me? Why didn’t any of the nurses come in and take him off my hands? I mean, I had just been through such a traumatic experience and no one seemed to care! When my husband and parents came to see me the next morning, I have to say, it wasn’t my proudest moment. I was at my moodiest best.

Four months on, the proverbial emotional roller-coaster fits my first experience of motherhood to a tee. I have been frazzled yet hopeful, exhausted but exhilarated, insecure but proud, all pretty much bundled into one. It is one of the most demanding things I have EVER done. I feel like I’m constantly being measured by this invisible, larger than life yard stick. When I wasn’t able to solely breast feed, I was riddled with guilt. When I didn’t immediately know what each cry meant, I felt like a bit of a failure. But in just four months, I’ve realised I’m going to be learning for the rest of my life, how to be a better mum. I’m going to do certain things brilliantly but suck at others. I have to let my husband be a dad his own way and allow him to make up his own rules too. I CANNOT plan and control everything around my baby!

It’s taken me all this time to get comfortable taking Vihaan out without wanting to run back home when he’s fussy or crying. I have only now started enjoying being out on my own with him and going for mum and baby groups. I’m fine with that! Some people can do it better, earlier, but this is me and my baby and I need to do things in a way that suits us best!

However tough the first few weeks were, I still feel like I’ve been entrusted with the most precious project in the world and I intend to do my very very best.

Taking your child home for the first time:

I was so happy when the doctor said I would be going home that afternoon. I couldn’t wait. It was hilarious because neither my hubby nor I knew how to strap Vihaan into his car seat properly to take him out of the ward. We needed a rather pushy midwife to show us how it’s done! From the first moment I stepped out of the hospital I felt so proud to be able to call this little bundle of promise, mine.

A close friend of mine said, “it’s not labour that makes me think twice about having a second baby, it’s the first 8 to 10 weeks.” I completely understand what she meant. The first 8 to 10 weeks with the baby were so tough and so challenging. I didn’t know whether there was light at the end of the tunnel. I was sleep deprived, exhausted and overly emotional for the most part of that time. Magically, this suddenly changed as me and the baby seemed more in sync and pulling in the same direction. I now know what my baby could possibly want, for the most part, and try my best to be organised enough to give it to him on time.

The best/worst advice: There isn’t any specific bad advice I can pin-point but I think the general hard and fast rules, tick box exercises and the need to fit into a specific box that health visitors seem to insist on puts too much pressure on new mums. If my baby and I get more sleep when we co-sleep then I will try it. If I cannot breast feed, I don’t want to feel like the worst mum in the world. I do not want my baby’s existence determined by growth charts. If he’s happy and healthy he is okay! The best advice that was given to me was by my mum: “Remember to always eat first before you set off feeding the baby. You need to have strength and patience to care well for the baby and that won’t happen if you’re hungry and irritable.” Not an easy rule to follow all the time, but it is true.

The hardest parts of being a mother: For me, this is balancing being a mum with being a wife, partner, lover and just an individual. It’s tough! At the moment I’m all about being MUM but if i’m not careful I’ll lose all that made me ME before Vihaan came along. I need to enrich my life with my new role and though I believe it’s my most important priority, I believe that it can co-exist with my other facets. Making this happen, is the challenge that lies ahead.

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing my husband and me in this splendid being is the most exciting thing about Vihaan. He’s like a perfect cake, baked with such an interesting combination of mum and dad’s ingredients. The amount of warmth and unbridled love I feel for him has truly surprised me. Even at 3 am, exhausted from being up just a few hours before, seeing him smiling in his sleep with his fingers curled around mine is the purest form of happiness I have ever felt.

Hopes for your family: I hope we can provide a stable, loving, home for Vihaan, where he will grow happy and with confidence. I hope we can educate him through travel and explore the world together.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Enjoy your pregnancy and treat yourself well.

Trust that you will make a good mum. Get comfortable in your new role and take all the time that you need. Don’t get into the comparison game, you and your baby are unique.Take as many photographs as you can. They grow so fast.

Lucy, Fred and Joan

2011-09-25T03:50:00.000-07:00

Name: Lucy

Children: Joan (nearly 2), Fred (3 and a half)

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I had slightly deluded expectations of motherhood and the type of mother I wanted to be. I read lots of books about parenting and pregnancy. I wanted to make sure I bonded well with the baby and had notions of following the principles of attachment parenting styles. I knew the birth would be hard but thought after that I knew all about what was coming. I was far more prepared the second time round!

Reality of Motherhood: I had so bombarded myself with information I was completely overwhelmed when Fred was born. I had post-natal depression and felt everything I did was wrong. It was a really difficult time and I still feel guilty that I wasn't able to enjoy so much of his first months. I managed to seek help and gradually found myself enjoying being a mum. Once I had let go of all the expectations I felt more relaxed and once Fred actually starting sleeping some normality was resumed. The sleepness nights were killer, he didn't sleep for more than 4 hours until he was six months old! I started going to mother and baby groups, which meant I had more opportunity to talk to other mums and at least sit down and have a coffee. As Fred got bigger I found things easier and having more of a routine helped. I think I somehow lost myself in trying to be a perfect mum but after doing a few more things just for me and living more in the moment I loved seeing my boy develop and grow. Being a mum is very selfless and at first I didn't find it very rewarding, with my second things were different because I was more prepared for the realities. I found the jump to having two children much easier than going from none to one! I was much more relaxed and didn't feel I had to follow any rules. I was better able to adapt to what she needed and often she just had to fit in with what me and Fred were doing. As they grow and become little people I have come to appreciate what being a mother is really about. My reality now is sharing my days with two wonderful children, having as much fun and mischief as we can squeeze into our day (afterwashing, cooking etc!)

Taking your children home for the first time: This didn't happen! I had two home births so we were already at home. This is oneof my greatest joys and I have wonderful memories of having Fred and, once the midwives had left, sitting on the sofa with my husband staring at Fred and listening to him hiccup! Then the three of us just went upstairs to bed. My mum had been there for the birth too and stayed at our house because he had been born so late at night, it was really special for her to be there in the morning with us and then my sister came too! With Joan my memory is seeing my husband holding her after she was born and having Fred (who had stayed at my mum's house) come home the next day to meet his sister. Fred will sometimes point at the floor and say 'Joan born on the floor' and then 'Fred born on the sofa'! It was a great experience.

The best/worst advice: This is so difficult because everyone's different but I would say spend as much time as you can doing things for yourself before you have kids! Don't listen to anyone's advice if you don't think it's right for you. Try to listen to your instincts and if you're not sure confide in someone you know and respect. Get out and mingle with other mums as much as you can, you will make great friends and can develop a priceless network of support. Try to find out what's going on in your area, playgroups and stay-and-play sessions are often only 50p and lots of fun for the kids.

The hardest parts of being a mother: The sleepless nights in the beginning and from the birth onwards the constant worry. Feeling that what I'm doing is right for me and my family and not listen to critics.

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing them develop their individual personalities, the laughter, the innocence, the wonder, all those cheesy magical things. Someone once told me that my children would be my best teacher and that is completely true. I've learnt so much from having kids and continue to do so everyday.

Hopes for your family: That they will be happy and polite children. That we will end up living in California or New York (dream big!). Really that we carry on loving and enjoying each other.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Put your feet up whenever possible. Take lots of pictures. Do things you enjoy. Dance a lot. Use moisturiser everyday.

Mandy and Lucy

2011-09-25T03:35:00.000-07:00

Name: Mandy

Child: Lucy, aged 13

Location: Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: I had my daughter when i was 21 years old, I had absolutely no idea what to expect! Lucy was the first grandchild on either side of the family so everyone was very excited!

Taking your child: I felt excited, after eight days in hospital I couldn't wait to get home with my beautiful baby.

Reality of Motherhood: People told me it would turn my world upside down but I never felt that way. To me motherhood is a gift and one I will always appreciate being given.

The best/worst advice: The best advice I ever had was from the community midwife, she told me, "Your mum, mum in law, gran etc will tell you how they did things but your instinct will tell you what your baby needs and when it needs it." I always found that helpful.

The hardest part/s of being a mother: Easily the worry that something bad will happen to my child.

The best part/s of being a mother: The feeling of loving my child so unconditionally. The kisses, hugs and cuddles.

Hopes for your child: That my daughter will always be happy.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Enjoy every moment, even the tears and tantrums because the time will fly by!

Hannah and Eligh

2011-09-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

Name: Hannah

Child: Eligh aged 4.5 weeks

Location: Levenshulme

Expectations of Motherhood: I have wanted to have children for as long as I can remember so it's hard to put into words. I love being with children and young people. I have always felt it would be the one thing that I would do well, that I was supposed to do. I also wanted to share and 'grow' someone with Gareth, my partner, as an extension of us, someone we could share our love and life with.

Reality of Motherhood: It's really hard, they don't give much back and it's a little boring sitting around seeing all the jobs that I could/should do but can't actually get to as he's attached! In fact I just can't do anything on time or quite to plan. My life really has changed totally unlike how i envisaged it would be i.e. just the same but with a baby. Im also totally exhausted and pretty ratty (thank you Gareth, my partner, for your amazing patience).

All that said I never gave much thought to how amazing and totally flabbergasting the whole pregnancy and birth thing would be. I grew a baby, WOW! I am also enabling him to grow and nurture; I get to hug him; to watch and share every tiny new thing that happens. I get to see how much joy he's brought to Gareth and to my family and friends.

So in short It's pretty amazingly fabtastic!

Taking your child home for the first time: It was scary but probably not as scary as the thought of staying in hospital for another night. As we walked out of the hospital the world just seemed drastically altered, maybe not suprising given the I'd just had my first baby, but the outside world seemed stark, sharp, cold and grey (a wonderful Manchester summer!). My partner was carrying Eligh in the car seat and I just kept on looking at him and thinking, 'Is he warm enough?'; 'Is he going to cry?' and a million other fleeting worries and questions. I realised that as of now I was a grown up, before that i think i had been masquerading as one, that we were on our own and would have to work the answers out ourselves. Our friend came in his VW van and gave us a lift home, Eligh was in the front seat, Gareth and I sat in the backseat. I remember feeling startled and a bit over whelmed but most of all that we were travelling home in style!

The best/worst advice: People give you so much advice. The best bits are always supportive, encouraging and empowering. The worst are confusing, annoying and cloaked in 'I know better than you'ness. My favourite piece of worst advice was from a drunk man who, noting Eligh was asleep, said, 'Don't let them sleep during the day or they won't sleep at night'. It's so bad because it's total rubbish but also because I actually took it on board, in my addled post birth brain, and started worrying about it!

The hardest part/s of being a mother:
1. Sore and cracked nipples - I found myself thinking that it was actually worse than birth.
2. Changing nappies- it's so traumatic at first for everyone involved.
3. The pitch of crying when your driving and can't stop.
4. The startled crying that accompanies the changing of a nappy at 3am - it seems to reach into every part of the nighttime quietness.
5. Its 3.45am (after point 4, a feed and burp) you lay them down in their cot (for the third time) their arms fall to their side, their breathing is deep and regular. You release that you've been holding your breath and you exhale slowly. You turn away, avoiding the creeky floor board and climb into your comfy bed and pull the quilt over you. Then...they wake up and cry!

The best part/s of being a mother: Life, love and happiness.

Hopes for your family: That we will all continue to have a good life, to love each other and those in our lives and that we are happy. Also that we regain the ability to carry out a conversation that is not about poo, spew and hours of sleep gained/ lost.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mothers: Even if I said that its rock hard you probably won't believe it until your in the throws of those first few weeks when you may, in a lucid moment in between your broken sleep, cast your mind back and understand what I meant however, I would just say; you'll be ok, it will get better and you are doing brilliantly!

Also, If your breast feeding get lanolin cream, in fact get lots, you can get it on prescription from the Doctor.

So, as with all the best things it's challenging but absolutely worth it.

Aowyn and Oscar

2011-09-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

Name: Aowyn

Child: Oscar Halcyon Bell, 7 weeks

Location: Grantown On Spey (The Scottish Highlands)

Expectations of Motherhood: When I got pregnant I was quite aprehensive about becoming a mother. People constantly told me that my life was going to change and would never be the same again (which really didn't help matters!) I was pretty happy with my life as it was so why would I want it to change? - But, I had always imagined myself as a grown up person with a family at some point, and suddenly I was 34 and a grownup and no where near starting a family.

I was not yearning for a child, I was just conscious of getting older and not wanting to lose my chance, or go through the heartache and stress of trying unsuccessfully for a baby.
I imagined having a new baby was going to be like looking after a little grub that needed fed and cleaned and screamed all the time and I would be knackered and didn't have enough time for my relationship, but that somehow I would find this fulfilling.

Reality of Motherhood: My life has not suddenly changed beyond recognition, it has slightly altered in many ways. The experiences I have been through in the last 7 weeks, from the birth to getting to grips with breast feeding have made me braver and stronger. I think I am lucky, Oscar goes to bed at 7:30pm and sleeps right through until 4:30am when he wakes for his night feed - so, although I don't get lazy morning lie ins I am not having sleepless nights. The most remarkable thing, and something I did not anticipate is that Oscar had a personalty right from the beginning, so he is not a grub, he is a cool wee dude who has moved in with us! My life changing has forced me to evaluate who I think I am and I've found this empowering. Yes this is a new chapter and life will never be the same, but this is exciting, I am a woman now and I can be whoever I want to be.

Taking your child/children home for the first time: What time do you put your new baby to bed? We had no idea and so the first night we all went to bed at 11pm and he slept through until 9am. What did he want when he was crying? Through a process of elimination (nappy? food? sleep? cuddle? wind?) we would try and figure out what he wanted. We didn't have a clue really, but it was our job and we just tried to muddle on through.

The best/worst advice: A leaflet for Infacol was a godsend: For the first few days he would be writhing in agony after feeds with stomach cramps, but after we got some Infacol he could burp and we were all much happier. At 3 weeks my mother in law came to dinner and suggested (gently) that we start putting him to bed at 7:30pm, which gave me my evening back. She said not to wait until he was asleep in my arms but dictate to him when bed time was. It took one evening of upset and now 9 out of 10 times he is asleep (and snoring) by 8pm.

The hardest part of being a mother: He is completely dependent on me for food as I am breastfeeding, no matter how I feel - he has to eat. The day is broken up into two hourly cycles for feeding and sometimes just trying to get out of the house can take ages. When I can't stop him crying, but his dad can - just because he is a new face and a change of scene.

The best part/s of being a mother: Big smiley gummy grins first thing in the morning when I help him stretch his little body out of his swaddle blanket. The funny expressions he has, his drama queen crying and how I can cheer him up out of it. Getting a really good burp out of him after a feed and when we work on it together! Getting to know him and his idiosyncrasies. Looking at him while he is asleep and imagining what he will look like when he is a little boy and not a little baby. Feeling my love for him grow day by day.

Hopes for your family: Oscar is our first and I hope to have a second child in 3 years or so. I just want him to be happy, healthy and confident. I am so happy we now live where we do, he has the great outdoors to discover and beautiful thriving nature everywhere to explore and romp in - just like we did when we were both children.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Don't read any books! Don't buy any baby clothes or toys (apart from newborn baby grows). Enjoy being pregnant, don't rush the next stage, remember that being pregnant is all about YOU. Don't get too hung up on your birth plan because when it comes to it - anything can happen.

Sally and Frank

2011-09-22T05:56:00.000-07:00

Name: Sally

Child: Frankie (nearly) 6

Location: Preston

Expectations of motherhood: My pregnancy was, lets say, sooner than I had planned, and so with that my expectations were limited, I spent most of my pregnancy worrying and panicking. Retrospectively I was so underprepared and just dealt with things as they came along. Having few expectations was not necessarily a bad way to do it, it was just the way it was at the time (with intermittent ‘oh shit’ moments of course!) And sweet fantasies of what this little person was going to look like, smell like, feel like, sound like, my expectations kind of rolled from day to day.....

Reality of motherhood: Essentially the first few years you seem to be so tied up, involved, and breathe every essence of it. From the tiny routine chores to the massive overwhelming feelings of love and guilt and knackeredness; it's border line insanity. This sounds so terrible, but I think it took me until he was about 5/6 months old to realise that he wasn’t going anywhere. I was so wrapped up in the sleep patterns, teething pains, feeds and nappies... I remember sitting down one day and thinking ‘What's next? Whatever it is, Franks here, an he ain’t going anywhere!’ I just had not had the time to take it all in.

For me, as the years slide along and you can see the time going so fast, that sense of worry eases and you start to get bits of yourself back and it allows you to appreciate the journey at bit more. After spending those first years giving yourself to the baby you slowly remember that you also have to give to yourself and let your child see that, as a positive life lesson.

As Frankie is growing the problems change - the joys, and tears and laughs - but he still takes up the same amount of space in my brain as he did from day one (just in different ways). I guess it will always be that way from now on.

Taking your child home for the first time: Seems blurry. It's weird but i enjoyed the cooked bland hospital food, lack of house work and the safety of the warm night lights in the hospital ward, and, to be honest, was in no massive rush to get home.

As I believe all new Mums are, I couldn’t take my eyes off Frankie whether he was asleep, awake, feeding, whatever, and became quickly addicted to smelling the top of his soft, dark, damp little head. We drove home, midday, with the new car seat so so so slooooooowwwww because we had the most precious cargo. The house had been cleaned - and although with the greatest of intentions I am sure - it really infuriated me because Frank’s Dad had used bleach. I could smell it, and I remember thinking, ‘How rude and harsh and inconsiderate - my baby cant have products like that used in his environment!’ (jeeseeee) Over reaction, but the hormones seemed ridiculous by day three; home day!

But as I stepped into the living room i saw it was full of cards and flowers, and the moses basket was set up all ready and perfect and that made me feel proud. Frankie had fallen asleep in the car on the way home, I hadn’t imagined that he would, I had thought it would be hectic and crazy, but for the first hour or so it was just still and quiet. I found that comedown a bit intimidating, the world closed down so small. It didn’t stay quiet for long!

Best/Worst advice: I think all of the advice that comes from friends and family whether you find it useful or useless comes from a good place, and it just lands which ever way you and your baby choose to place it.

My Mum is an experienced, practicing midwife and her advice is essentially 'roll with it'. Obviously if I ask for help she’s there without fail, but I know ultimately her faith lies in nature and the waves between newborn babies and their mother. I feel lucky to be around someone like her, with such faith and commitment, but at the same time I applied pressure on myself to be the same, and I’m not sure I was self-confident enough to go with that mind set all the time. I sometimes enjoyed the simple, rigid advice that my Grandma threw out from somewhere in the late 1950s, which I am sure made my Mum silently cringe... but only for a second.

Hardest Parts of being a mother: Aside from the practicalities of the whole balancing act, controlling feelings of worry about doing the best thing for you baby/child in the long run is easily the hardest part for me. Frankie goes to his Dad’s most weekends and it's difficult coping with the empty house after the noise of the week. But I know its more important that he remains close to his Dad, and remind myself that in many ways I am lucky to have that freedom.

Best Part: Chubby cheeks, first smiles, mashing up bananas, silly words, pointless giggles, the stressed times when one small thing they do takes it all away. Sleepy sleepy cuddles, first sloppy wet kisses, wellington boots, trying not to laugh at tantrums. Realising that they’ve got you exactly where they want you and that quite frankly you don’t mind anymore, play fights, christmas mornings, paddling in the sea, sweets. Deciding that McDonald’s is officially guilt free, having your own favourite kids show, getting new pets. The bringing home of drawings, leaves, conkers and finding weird things in Frank’s pockets (like squidged up orange segments, yum.) Watching them do something kind for some one else, night time chit chats and the sound they make when scoffing their tea in........... millions and millions of tiny things make the best bits of being a Mum. At the moment I love Frank’s conversations - I am surprised at how insightful he is, but the best bit is watching him play with and develop his own sense of humour.

Hopes for your family: I hope Frank will always feel that I am here for him to come to and that we remain always best buds. I really would like to see him grow into a kind, non-judgemental, confident, ambitious and fulfilled soul.

Any advice for expectant mums: Its important to talk, don’t be shy, don’t feel judged (there is no right way to do it), remember that the sky won’t be falling down if you fuck up a few times! And take millions of photographs... they might bore your peers right now, but they’ll only increase in value to you, gold dust.

Antonia and Safina

2011-09-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

Name: Antonia

Child: Safina, 11 Weeks

Location: Preston

Expectations of Motherhood: Having spent my life up until getting pregnant focusing on getting the right qualifications to equip me for my career and having my own mother warning me to get myself sorted before thinking of starting a family, I think I actually expected it to be a lot harder than I’ve found it so far (although my baby is only 11 weeks and there’s plenty of time for things to get more difficult). My mum got pregnant at 19 and my older brother (and only sibling) followed suit, he and his wife having their first at 19 and their second only 15 months later. I grew up with financial struggle and I’ve witnessed the emotional struggle children can bring when you’re not mentally ready. So the pressure was on for me to break the mold. I wanted to as well, I had ambitions to see the world and to find a career I would actually enjoy, but from a very young age I was also extremely broody. I have found that pressure the hardest thing so far. And it’s not just pressure from my family or myself, but from society. Having gained equality (for the most part) with men, women are no longer expected to stay at home and raise a family and I feel there’s a lot of judgment towards young women who actually do choose to start a family young as a result. Why would you want to do that when you don’t have to? But motherhood is something we’re programmed to want, not to mention the risks involved with having children later in life, and I felt that pressure to deny myself of those instincts. I was 24 when I did have Safina. I had my degree, a masters, I’d travelled and had enough Friday nights drinking myself silly to last a lifetime. I was ready.

Reality of Motherhood: I expected to love my baby. It’s a no brainer really. I did not anticipate the overwhelming love I instantly felt when she was born. I couldn’t have possibly anticipated it because it’s unlike any other emotion I had ever felt. It’s made me realise how narrow of a term love really is. There should be more than one word for something that covers so many bases because the love I feel for Safina is totally different from the love I feel for my partner or my family for example. While it’s the most amazing thing, there are a whole lot of problems that come with feelings that strong.

Possessiveness for example. I’m having to force myself to take a step back now and let my partner take the reigns occasionally. It’s difficult in these early days when you’re breastfeeding because that’s a huge part of childcare that dad is excluded from, but there’s plenty of responsibility you can let them take on so that’s what I’m learning to do now.

Fear is another. Babies are so totally reliant on you and so completely trusting of you and I’m utterly terrified that something bad might happen to Safina. I have vivid nightmares about it, sometimes they’re horrible and I feel awful that my subconscious would even go there. But sometimes they’re ridiculous, like the time I dreamt she was covered in octopus ink and no matter how much I washed her, I couldn’t get it off (I’m sure a dream analyst would have a field day with that). I’ve also become hyper sensitive to anything involving children. I can’t watch charity adverts about starving or abused children anymore and a couple of news reports of abuse that’s happened locally recently have hit me harder than I ever would have expected. All this just makes me want to give Safina the best of everything and more love, support and encouragement than she’ll know what to do with. Balancing this with making sure she isn’t affected on the other end of the spectrum (spoilt, disillusioned, etc) is going to be tricky I’m sure. And that’s the real problem I suppose. I know I’m going to shape her personality in so many ways and how can I possibly know what is best for another life?

Then there’s the old parenting favourite. Guilt. Whatever I do I question whether it’s the best thing for Safina. But I really am trying to keep on top of that and making sure I remind myself that I am a person too and if I lose myself along the path of motherhood it will be more detrimental to Safina in the long run, because she’ll have a shell of a woman as her primary female role model.

Taking your child home for the first time: This is a really difficult question for me. It was only 11 weeks ago that we brought Safina home for the first time but the whole thing is really a blur. That could be partly due to the amount of drugs they had me on and the sheer sleep deprivation (I think I had about half an hour’s sleep in the three days I was in hospital). I hated the feeling of being drugged up to my eyeballs. I had this wonderful new baby and I wanted to soak up every minute with her but I just felt stoned all the time. After a couple of days I tried to wean myself off them – BIG mistake.

I was highly emotional coming home. I’d spent the day being told I could leave as soon as the doctor saw me. He hadn’t shown by 8pm and I’d been dressed and packed since early morning. I ended up telling the midwife that I would see my own GP and that I was leaving (yes I was one of those patients). So by the time I actually left the hospital I was a mess. I remember trying to get my mum to take photographs of me, Ricky and the baby outside the hospital and outside our front door and her photography skills were not to my standard. I shouted at mum, Ricky shouted at me, not exactly the fairytale arrival I’d imagined.

I also remember a distinct shift in my priorities. For me the nesting instinct kicked in early – we were sharing a house with friends when we found out I was pregnant so it became my mission to get them out (in the nicest possible way) and transform the house into a home. It was ready by the time I was about 6 months gone but by then I’d become obsessed. Even when I was in labour I tried to convince Ricky to join me in some light gardening to try and pass the time (he told me I was mental and I settled for a walk in the park). But when I finally had my baby home, none of that mattered. Needless to say the lawn hasn’t been mowed since her arrival.

The best/worst advice: The whole process from pregnancy to labour and then looking after your baby is a minefield of conflicting advice. It seems the NHS move the goalposts continually and so everyone has different ideas. Even amongst midwives advice varies. For me this made them really difficult to trust and given that I never saw the same midwife twice, I tended to find my own way. I devoured literature about pregnancy, labour and birth and was amazed at the antenatal classes (which were terrible) by how little other mums-to-be knew. It was the first time in my life I’d been the geek of the class but I found that arming myself with as much information as possible made me feel much more at ease with what was in store and while nothing can prepare you for motherhood, you can prepare yourself for labour and I actually really enjoyed mine (seriously). So the best advice definitely came from reading and listening to as much as possible and forming my own conclusions.

The worst advice I’ve had has to be over breastfeeding. I was determined I would do it but if I wasn’t so strong willed I definitely would have resorted to ‘topping up’ with formula. I knew that my body would provide Safina with what she needed but when she refused to sleep while in hospital the midwife told me she could do with a ‘comp feed’, I refused but when she became a bit jittery the midwife came down on me harder. She told me to feed the baby 20ml of formula. After five mil I cried and threw the bottle away and lied to the midwife about it (who was then happy with the baby). Since then she hasn’t had a drop of formula, in spite of various health visitors, friends and family members advising me that it would make my life easier by making her sleep longer, put weight on faster etc. It has taken time but Safina is now sleeping for longer stints and I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

The hardest part/s of being a mother: The guilt and the fear that I mentioned earlier are probably the hardest parts but I also find I miss the really small and often mundane things about my life before motherhood. Being able to take my time with my housework or cooking a meal. I miss blasting out my music and cooking up a feast while devouring the best part of a bottle of rouge. That’s how I relaxed, I’ve never really been the ‘put-your-feet-up’ type. Today wine is limited to social occasions (which are few and far between) and I’m lucky if I get time to eat, let alone cook.

The best part/s of being a mother: There are so many things, seeing Safina’s little face light up when she sees me, the sense of pride and achievement I feel when she achieves something, knowing that she’s such a perfect mix of me and her dad and that we managed to create something so awesome, but the ultimate best bit has to be the absolute unique relationship between me and Safina. Nobody else can feel what I feel, I have utter exclusivity as her mother and no one can ever come between that.

Hopes for your family: I’d like a little brother or sister for Safina, I think two would be enough for me but I know my partner would like more and I know he’d like to have a son one day – but three is my absolute limit. But besides the logistics – because I suppose you can’t really plan these things too closely and you never know what fate has in store for you – I just hope that Safina (and any future children) grow up to be well adjusted children/teenagers/adults. I want her to be confident yet modest, outgoing, intelligent, witty, creative and we’ll definitely be encouraging her to be musical. But I also want to give her the space to decide for herself who she wants to be and I just hope to be supportive in whatever path she chooses. I hope that Safina and I have a good relationship. I want to be liberal enough for her to make her mistakes while having instilled a strong moral compass which ensures she never goes too wayward. I hope she doesn’t listen to happy hardcore, wear fake tan or read the Daily Mail (although I can’t think of anyone who does all three). I hope she can come to me with her problems. Mostly I hope she is happy and comfortable in her own skin.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: I’d try my best to give minimal advice to expectant mums. Everyone who’s ever had children has something to say and when you’re pregnant you get bombarded with it. In saying that, I have already found myself rambling on to my pregnant friends about my experiences. My points of reference are usually labour – which I tell them in my opinion is not that bad. Your body is designed to do it and instinct will kick in if you don’t get yourself overly worked up. And breastfeeding – I am a fully fledged member of the brestapo now and I encourage them to at least give it a go. I also think it’s important that you build a network of other mums or pregnant ladies. Even if you had nothing in common with these people before, you will undoubtedly be able to find common ground now. You need to be brave and put yourself out there, attend classes and baby groups and don’t be a wallflower, you never know when you might need that support. I have also found it really important to look after myself, get dressed and put on a bit of make-up even if no one will see you other than your baby. It stopped me feeling like a total zombie when I was sleep deprived. Most importantly I suppose is not to lose yourself and who you were before you were a mum. You need to do what’s best for you as well as your baby.

Charlotte and Allegra

2011-09-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

Name: Charlotte

Child: Allegra Jean Simpson, 14 months

Location: Gorton, East Manchester

Expectations of Motherhood: All my life I've never once doubted that I wanted to be a mother even though I felt a bit ambivalent towards other people's children - I only really liked them if they were cute, quiet and snot-free. I started to go a bit crazy when I was 28 and still single - I was the only one of my friends who was already fretting about my biological clock. But when I did fall in love I stopped worrying about it so much because I was so happy with my relationship. Then I sort of accidentally (having not tried very hard to prevent it) got pregnant on honeymoon. The timing wasn't ideal and I was a bit wary about the whole thing but still thrilled (although I was secretly worried I might not love my baby as much as my cats). I guess I hoped I'd be a similar sort of mother to my own mum. I wanted to give my child time rather than money, to do lots of reading and creative make-your-own type activites and to bring my child up to be a Guardian-reader.

Reality of Motherhood: It was surreal to begin with - we just stumbled along in a sleep-addled haze trying not to break the baby. I was overwhelmed by how lovely our little girl was and relieved to find that that there was definitely no contest between her and the cats but I suppose when she was a newborn it was hard to know exactly who I was in love with - she was just this precious little bundle of potential. But every tiny developmental step has enabled me to know Ally a little bit more. There's no way to describe the feeling when she smiles, giggles or reaches out her arms to me. Every night I tell her I love her and one night a couple of months ago, I asked her if she loved me and she said "yeah". I cried. I don't really have any concept of motherhood. I only know what it is to be Ally's mum - and Ally is just the most amazing, fun and entertaining person. I love spending my days with her and teaching her about the world. It's such a privilege to be able to introduce someone to the sea or an elephant or Nutella for the first time and to be able to share with her everything that I love - people, books, places, foods, animals - everything is new to her and it's all tremendously exciting. I learn so much from Ally too. She is desperate to take me with her on her expeditions of discovery and destruction. Of course I'm writing this on a good day. Ally slept appallingly for the first eleven months and refused to take any food or liquid that didn't come direct from my breast so there were many, many times when my reality of motherhood was only that I physically ached, I never got to touch my husband and my kitchen, clothes, hair, face and beautiful daughter were smeared with wasted yoghurt and soggy bread. But even at its hardest, I always knew deep down that I am luckier than I ever imagined was possible.

Taking your child/children home for the first time: We had a bit of a false start as we were sent home from hospital a few hours after she was born only to be back again in A&E within 24 hours. We then stayed in a paediatric ward for four of five days because Ally had problems with her blood sugar and with latching on. The second time around I was just so happy that we had our little girl at home and we had no more silly hospital rules to obey. It was lovely.

The best/worst advice: The best advice has been practical - a breastfeeding counsellor who magically stopped feeding from hurting and, months later, a chat with a paediatrician who told me that if I wanted Ally to eat and sleep normally I'd just have to cold-turkey breastfeeding. She promised me that healthy babies will not let themselves starve or dehydrate no matter how angry they are. Tough advice to follow but it changed our lives. Conversely the worst advice came from health visitors who wouldn't engage with Ally's weaning and sleeping problems. They were so obsessed with the wonders of breastfeeding that they didn't care that I was being woken up every hour or that Ally barely ate solids at 10 months. They just kept telling me everything was going really well!

The hardest parts of being a mother: The worrying: I want to wrap her in cotton wool but I know I need to teach her to be confident and brave. Also finding yourself again. I miss reading, working and seeing films, plays, exhibitions etc whenever I feel like it. I know I need to keep up my career and my interests to set a good example to Ally - and also so that she doesn't grow up with the pressure of feeling that she is my life and my happiness depends on her. But it's so hard to conjure up the time to make it a reality.

The best parts of being a mother: Watching Ally sleep (especially those rare moments when she goes to sleep on me); going in to her first thing in the morning and seeing her grinning little face; feeling proud pretty much all the time of all the things she can do and how gorgeous she is; the fact that it's made me lift my game and use time more efficiently; having such a fulfilling extra dimension to my relationship with my husband.

Hopes for your family: I'd like Ally to have a brother or sister one day. I'd like us to move to a house with a garden, closer to our friends. I want Ally to grow up happy, healthy and good (but also keep her wicked streak!)

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums?: Go out and meet other mums. Go to groups and make the first move to make friends with people. If the people you meet seem unfriendly, keep going to different groups until you find some nice ones - I don't dare imagine how hard the last year would have been without my mum-friends!

Katie, Sam and Isabel

2011-09-15T02:53:00.000-07:00

Name: Katie

Children: Sam (3) Isabel (22 months)

Location: Crewe

Expectations of Motherhood: I suppose my expectations were a little similar to the reality, I always knew I would be a mum one day. I saw myself at home with my babies, playing, pottering about in the garden, going to playgroups, baking and generally having fun. Although, I really wasn’t prepared for 3 years of sleepless nights, being kept on my toes 24/7, the sheer emotion and how overwhelming my love would be for them!

Reality of Motherhood: It is the toughest job I have ever had, but also the best. I wouldn’t change any part of it for the world, except maybe being allowed to go the toilet without an audience!

Taking your children home for the first time: I was a new mum, very proud, very exhausted and very hungry. I didn’t have dinner at hospital as I spent all day thinking I’d be going home before lunch, in the next hour, any minute now! I remember being glad to be home, but I think I was on autopilot a little to begin with, I got something to eat, drink, had a shower etc. and the little bundle of huge responsibility we’d brought home with us didn’t really hit me until hours later.

The best/worst advice: I can’t remember any particular gems of advice I was given but I’m pretty sure that someone told me to trust my instincts somewhere along the line of my first pregnancy. It didn’t really sink in until Sam was a few months old and I don’t think I really followed that advice until Isabel was born. I was much calmer and far more confident as a second time mum, plus I didn’t really have time to worry about things, or ask ten million people so I just got on with it and did what I felt was right.

With Sam we struggled along with his feeding and routine, or what we felt was struggling. It seemed as if we weren’t doing it right, there was plenty of advice along the lines of, ‘he should be going 4 hours between feeds by now’, ‘he should be sleeping through by now’, ‘he should be having 6/7 oz of milk at each feed by now’. What we did realise after a few months was that we should trust him to follow his own instincts too. We had a very loose routine but he was the one that started making changes to it when ‘he’ felt ready and that’s the same even now. He decided when he was ready to go longer between feeds, start potty training, sleep in a bed and the transition for all of these has been far easier than we expected, because ‘he’ was ready.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Finding time for ‘you’ and to be you. As a mum, you instinctively put everyone else’s needs before your own. Some days you find that you realised you wanted to go to the toilet five hours ago and you still haven’t been yet!

The best parts of being a mother: There are so many best bits its untrue. There’s nothing like seeing all your baby’s firsts; smiling, laughing, rolling over, crawling, cruising, walking and talking, and the feeling when they give you a cuddle or a kiss of their own volition is amazing! I love watching them learn and grow. I love feeling proud of how they behave in difficult situations. I’m proud that they’ve developed their own independence but can ask for help when they need it. One of my best parts so far is watching Sam and Isabel together, playing, chatting and bonding. It makes my heart melt when they suddenly give each other a massive hug and I see just how much they adore each other.

Hopes for your family: As Sam and Isabel grow up we’ll try not to impose any expectations on them as to what they should do and what they should be, although I do wish for them to grow up to be kind, compassionate, non-judgmental, confident and to have open hearts and minds. I’d also love for them to figure out what makes them happy from an early age. It’s something I’m still figuring out…except for my family, I know they make me very happy!

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Revel in your pregnancy, if you can. It goes far too quickly and someone will press the fast forward button the moment you give birth for the first time.

Trust yourself and the fact that you will know your baby better than anyone.

Make use of your children’s centres, they’re great places and who knows how much longer they’ll be around. You’ll also make some great new friends and it’ll stop the cabin fever setting in, it also allows your child to develop lots of very important social skills.

If you can figure out a way, grow some eyes in the back of your head. You will need them the moment they become mobile!

Mary and Eleanor

2011-09-14T03:29:00.000-07:00

Name: Mary

Child: Eleanor, 11 months

Location: Stockport

Expectations of Motherhood: To spend the next twenty years or so to bringing up my children to be confident, upright, responsible, socially minded, happy, independent individuals who are not afraid to be themselves. I don't expect to "get my life back" for a while, perhaps years, but I work better when I'm busy anyway. If the last year is anything to go by motherhood will always come first from now on but as long as there's still space to be myself I don't mind.

Taking your child/children home for the first time: I wanted a home birth but had to go to hospital at the last minute. it was a big part of my birth plan to spend the first night in my own bed at home, the three of us all together, so rather resented it when they forced me into staying overnight by taking hours and hours to bring me my discharge papers. Next morning Matt and my mum came to pick me up early and I sat in the kitchen when we got back feeling rather odd emotionally and physically. All four grandparents arrived for dinner and we had champagne which, coupled with everything else, made the evening quite surreal. I remember I needed to feed her but felt too self conscious to do it in front of everyone so absented myself (rather gratefully) from the celebrations to try and get her latched on, which proved difficult. Once my mum had got her on for me and positioned us with a million cushions and pillows we took a photo so as to try and remember what proper positioning looked like. Now I can't believe looking at it how tiny and curled up she was in my arms.

Reality of Motherhood: I never realised how totally all-consuming it is. I don't know where I thought she'd be when I continued about my normal life, but as she's one of those children that wants to be held all the time and always wants to see and try out whatever you're doing it's rather limiting. For example I can't do any sewing (I previously ran a business making wedding dresses) when she's around as she wants to be involved and it's too dangerous. On the other hand I've found out how much fun simple things can be - sitting playing, watching the birds and planes, doing some gardening - and how much you can achieve in the two hours of sleep she manages a day. There's so much to teach her and I'm so proud of all the things she's learning. I've also found it quite lonely at times. When you give up work you give up the everyday social life with it, and I've realised how out of practice I am at making new friends with those I'm not forced into daily contact with!

The best/worst advice: My granny kept phoning up when Eleanor was little telling me to put her on the bottle, which made me really angry as I was having some problems feeding her anyway and feeling inadequate because of that. In hindsight I know she's from a generation with a totally different parenting style, so I should have known to take her advice with a pinch of salt, but at the time it was really hard not to doubt myself.

The best advice was "trust your instincts". It takes a bit of practice and confidence so I didn't get the hang of that till she was three months old or so, but once you realise what your instinct is, it's great. It's hard with all the advice people give you - because everyone who's had a child has a piece of advice they think is indispensable, and because they used it themselves you can't reject it out of hand. Because motherhood and how you choose to do it is so intense and personal, a rejection of your advice can feel like a criticism of how you did it - which if you're the doubting sort can make you feel like a failure and if you're the angry sort can make you feel very offended. I still haven't found the answer, now I just try and change the subject. I know I'm no better though, when I find myself trying to brainwash expectant mothers into following my ways!

The hardest parts of being a mother: Knowing that you've got responsibility for a future adult, not just a baby, and that making mistakes now can saddle them with long term issues. Not knowing the future, or what the results will be of your well-meaning tactics. It bothers me when I see her doing something she's seen me doing but I haven't actively taught her. It makes me wonder what bad habits I'm letting her think are ok. Also it can get quite boring. This morning I had to stand by while she inspected what must have been every berry on a 20m stretch of hedgerow. I wished I had a book with me, then realised I couldn't just stand about reading while she explored - I'd go into cloud cuckoo land and wouldn't notice her either eating the poisonous berries or wandering out into the traffic. So I'm going to just have to get used to it.

The best parts of being a mother: Revisiting the sheer fascination of every tiny thing around us that we've categorised as white noise. I've got a memory of when I was little, crouching by a flowerbed in the park and looking closely at the flowers. I've often wished I could get back into that zone - that feeling of wonder at everyday things - and now I can without looking like a weirdo!

Hopes for your family: I hope she carries on developing into the amazing person I can see now, and isn't knocked back by something I, or other people, thoughtlessly do or say. At the moment she's so confident socially, and loves to go up to people and make friends. I really hope she carries on with that confidence and friendliness. I hope we have at least another couple of children. I'm one of four and we all get on really well. When we all get together it's such fun and I'd love to carry that on in my family. I hope she grows up knowing how much we love her and just how incredible we think she is - I'd hate for her to doubt that.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Do trust your instincts, and be prepared for people to knock your methods. Whatever you're doing, someone will disagree. My personal soapbox is about crying: a baby's cry is a communication, not just an annoying noise. If you work to discover why they're crying and meet their needs they won't do it so much. If you leave them crying it recalibrates their evolved expectations that their needs will be met (and done over a period of time studies have shown it can lead to mental problems later in life). I feel really passionate about this issue and am the annoying woman trying to give out this piece of advice to poor unsuspecting new mums and mums-to-be!

Toni and Arlo

2011-09-14T02:49:00.000-07:00

Name: Toni

Child: Arlo aged 1

Location: Stockport

Expectations of Motherhood: I was lucky in that I got a glimpse of what it would be like to be a mother a few months before Arlo was born, when my own mum moved in with me & my boyfriend. She'd had a stroke the year before and needed full time care. She basically needed everything doing for her and it gave me a taster of what it would be like to have someone so entirely dependent upon you that you become their whole world. It can be a terrifying & often claustrophobic feeling. On the other hand, I was also excited about having the responsibility of ensuring that one little soul would have the very best start in life that I could provide.

Taking your child home for the first time: I'd been desperate to get back home after having Arlo. I hated being in hospital. Especially as I was the only breastfeeder on my ward, they all looked at me like I had two heads! Plus I was worried about leaving my other half to look after my mum (I didn't think either of them would much enjoy the experience of giving mum her bath!) But I'd ended up having an emergency caesaerian so had to stay in for a bit.

When we got home, it was like the universe had been turned upside down. Everything was exactly the same, but utterly different. I can't remember much from then, other than the hours upon hours of through the night feeding. I don't even remember eating or getting dressed. I just remember sleeping in a chair because I couldn't lie down & reading the entire Jilly Cooper back catalogue by book-light whilst Arlo fed.

Reality of Motherhood: Being a mother of a baby is the front line of parenting. If it were a war, we'd be the commandos. It is harsh, unrelenting and brutal. All the comforts you once took for granted are gone. Mealtimes are mouthfuls stolen in the few seconds your child isn't demanding your attention. Sleep is broken and taken when (and where) you can grab it and going to the toilet becomes a juggling act of child and pants. Despite all that, it's still ace.

The best/worst advice: That you don't 'own' your child - but are instead entrusted with them til they are old enough to become their own person. One of my fellow mums gave me some ace advice that I use as my parenting bottom-line: if they eat, shit & sleep, they're probably fine. It's kind of the Ray Mears approach to parenting, but I like it.

I can't think of any worst advice. Apart from the many legion of comments and looks I've gotten from people when I tell them we co-sleep and that I'm still breast-feeding. Stuff like that really makes you begin to question yourself. Hold firm to your principles! If it feels right and you and the sprog are happy, don't stop. Oh and take everything other new parents say to you about their child with bloody big piece of salt. Honestly, I swear there's some kind of competitive parenting conspiracy going on! Some (not all) of them can be right buggers for exaggerating how well they and/or the child are doing. It's alright to be struggling or if Tarquin or whatever's not crawling/rolling/eating solids yet. You don't need to lie. It's okay. We should be sticking together! I make it a policy to be brutally honest to people about how (sometimes quite badly) we're doing.

The hardest parts of being a mother: Not being able to shield them from pain is one of the hardest parts of being a mother. Even worse is the moment you first hurt them. I accidentally drew blood trimming his nails once & it got infected. I felt AWFUL. Fear of Arlo dying or something bad happening to him is probably the worst part though. The love I feel for him is bloody terrifying. It's basically feral. And there's been a fair few nights I've lain awake fretting about what horrid stuff could happen to him.

I also now can't watch the news, read the papers or watch anything even faintly gruesome or gory. I feel a bit like a gaping wound in terms of emotional susceptibility. Even Eastenders can make me bawl. Being a Mum also made me realise the strength of the feelings my own mum must have had for me and made me feel like a total shit for all the times I've let her down. The only real regret I have is that my mum never got a chance to be a more hands-on grandparent. The stroke not only paralysed the right side of her body but took away most of her speech as well. The irony of it all being that the one person who would have given me the most support ended up being the one able to do the least. That breaks my heart.

The best parts of being a mother: Seeing the personality in your child grow clearer day by day and having a physical (& very permanent!) proof of the love between me & Arlo's dad. Children can also really bring family together; quite a few of mine have come back into my life since he was born and started being more involved. Plus I've made a tons of new friends as a result of having Arlo. Not just my NCT pram mafia, but other people from the wider world (mainly twitter!!) who I doubt I'd have had the opportunity to get to know pre-child. Being a mum has totally forced me out of my previously hermit-like existence & I'm now very lucky to have rather a lot of amazing people in my life.

Hopes for your family: I hope Arlo has a happy life. I want him to have everything I didn't: stability, no financial worries, no false promises and fuck-wittery. I basically want him to feel safe and supported. I'd LOVE it if he was creative. I'm going to do all I can to make that happen but, at the same time, I really don't want him to end up like the Nicholas Hoult character in About a Boy ("killing me softleeeee"). I'm very aware could all too easily be That Mum and am trying to rein in my hippy arts and crafts sensibilities to keep that aspect in check.

What advice would you offer to new and expectant mums: Sleep now, while you still can!!! Wallow in it. Have all the lie-ins you can handle.

Try to resist the consumerist frenzy! You really don't need all the crap you think you need. I took a lot of my hormonally-driven purchases to the charity shop in the end.

Join an NCT class. The friends I made from mine are now among my best ones. You'll need their support. Even if you're not a join-er, like me, it's well worth the few weeks of excruitating group activites.